No closure

 2/1/2023

Well, our clinic did in fact confirm today that all donated embryos were used by the other couple who were recipients as well. I'm feeling empty. I really don't know our path, but there is no closure regarding more children. I can't put my finger on it. 

I'm incredibly fulfilled with my two children. But I don't know, in my heart of hearts, I know there is another. Maybe fostering is an option for the future. Maybe more embryos will fall in our lap. Maybe I'll be the one in ten million to fall pregnant naturally. Maybe maybe maybe. 

In my head I keep remembering them at my monitoring visits looking at my ovaries. They were still there. I'd figured they'd be withered away, but they are still there. Can't help but wonder if there are any eggs still kicking around. Silly of me I'm sure. I'm 43, nearing 44. I was diagnosed 9 years ago and given one in ten million odds. Seems it'd put me in the one in ten billion now, but...

I started taking a few of the supplements for egg health. Worse case, it just helps my body overall.

I keep repeating the words "Your will be done." Somewhere, somehow God has a plan. I just get frustrated not knowing.

Goodbye 2022

 Dec 31, 2022

Last day of the year. I'm feeling really sad and sentimental tonight. It was nine years ago tonight that my premature ovarian failure journey began. I remember I took a pregnancy test before taking a sip of champagne and it was positive. From there, it all unraveled. Who knew positives tests don't always mean positive. 

I wouldn't trade my journey for anything. I got my son from it, but tonight it just reminds me after our most recent loss, or miss, or whatever you want to call it, how much it sucks to not be in control. A month ago, I was going to bed hopeful and optimistic for our transfer the next day. 

Tonight, we were suppose to be in AZ visiting my in-laws, but the night before we left, my mother in law came tested positive for COVID. She's doing ok, just run down. I think us not getting out of town as we planned and not being near family compounds all the big feelings I'm having right now.

We are gearing up to move again in two months, so I stare at all the bins of baby clothes and cloth diapers and baby things I'd saved and it just sickens me to give them all away. But it's silly for me to lug them to yet another house. When I did my purge last time we moved six months ago, we got rid of a lot. I pared it all down to clothes we'd reuse and gave all the rest away. I gave away all the baby toys and gear except two bins of my favorites. We donated the crib and highchair to the church knowing we could borrow them as needed if our transfer worked. Now...now...it just seems ridiculous to hold on to it all.

I keep telling myself even if I clear it all out, if we do get blessed in some way, I can get our needs from the local buy nothing group. Lord knows I've given away hundreds of items through there amidst our move and purge...but it just seems final. It feels like I'm giving up or moving on. But my heart isn't there. I'm not ready to move on.

I thought I would be. We thought we would be. We decided to transfer saying if it doesn't work, we'd have closure. Neither of us feel it. At all. 

After the failed transfer the doctor called me. My hormone levels were perfect. My lining was perfect. The transfer was perfect. He said it just must've been the embryo. That I could obviously get pregnant and carry a pregnancy and everything else looked good. But it was our last. He said we could use an egg donor, but I said no. That's not something we can afford. I did ask if all the embryos were used that were donated in our batch. He said it would take some digging, but he'd look into it. With the holidays if we didn't hear back by mid-January to call. I don't know if that is realistic, but certainly can't hurt to follow through.

If there are none, I'm not quite sure where that leaves us. The thought of trying to match and going through it all emotionally and financially seems daunting and irresponsible...but my heart sure says otherwise. 

I don't know. I'm just feeling lonely and sad. No one knows. I can't talk about it. I just want to be angry or sad sometimes and there is no one to talk through it with. My husband and I still talk but it's more of a we just don't know how to process it talk. 

It's the holidays and we are without family. Friends all had their own plans. I guess I just feel lonely and sad. Having my own little pity party tonight.

No words

 12/17/2022

I wish I could tell you how many unpublished posts are in my queue. But, none will be published. I can't find a subscriber list and think it's nonexistent at this point, so my publishing this is purely cathartic, and I *think* safe from eyes I know. My hope is I can find solace once again in the cyber infertility world.

Long story short, after five years of not thinking we had another embryo we got a HUGE bill from our clinic. Apparently, when the clinic merged with another financial billing firm, our account must've gotten lost. No one would tell us or confirm we had an embryo left and it was assumed it was re-donated since we'd had a live birth. Until we got a bill. I called billing immediately to check if we still had the embryo and was told that IF we did they would call us immediately. If not, just disregard the bill because systems had merged and a lot of people were being billed for embryos they didn't have. No phone call. A few months later an even BIGGER bill arrived. This time taking me to collections. WHAT???

I called the billing, the clinic and emailed every single email I could find. Including our doctor directly. HE was the one who replying and cc'd everyone who was pertinent to get to the bottom of it. We DID have an embryo. They'd waive a PORTION of the bill but not all of it. We were stunned.

This was over a year ago. As we grappled with all of this, we decided just to go through with all the preliminary things to see if a transfer was possible and my overall health. We did the initial ultrasound, all the bloodwork, the sonohysterogram, mammogram, etc and all was A-ok. Perfect in fact.

It took us a year to pray over it, think over it, be of the same heart, mind and body for this, save for it (including back storage they didn't waive because we couldn't get our embryo if we didn't pay $2000 EVEN though we'd been unaware we had an embryo - still bitter about it) and we transferred. And it didn't work. We are just absolutely devastated. We found out the official beta <2 last Tuesday. 

We decided that we would do this alone. No one knew. No one. No friends. No family. Not our kids. No one. Outside voices didn't help. Opinions and thoughts others knew better clouded the only voice that we knew meant anything. And boy, did we pray. A lot. And although it was something we shared together as a couple, we also both now carry that burden and pain alone. My heart aches. I'm angry. Frustrated. I have no idea why God would bring us through all this. I keep repeating the words "Your will be done" hoping for clarity or answers and getting none. I know long term we will find the answer. We will find peace, but right now, it's just a lot of pain.

And we are walking it in isolation. We are both grieving in waves. We both have fleeting what if thoughts. What if we'd done it sooner. What if we'd push harder with the clinic earlier. I've moments berating myself for things I could have done to make it more successful, gain more weight, exercise more, did I do TOO much bedrest, not enough, did I take my meds the same time every day. My mind reiterates none of that truly mattered. God's will is God's will, but the hurt and pain remains. We both feel just complete sadness and that WHY. We both thought we'd have closure even if it didn't work knowing we gave that little baby a chance, but neither of us do. We both thought so strongly, we both KNEW we'd have another child. I can't explain it. And we won't. Grieving that loss...hurts.

My period started as a great big flag of failure and every time I change I see the bruises from injections on my stomach and bottom. A gentle (or literal painful) reminder of the journey.

So, for now, we are just processing grief in waves. Trusting in God that someday we will understand. Until then, I ask His forgiveness for my bouts of frustration and anger and barrage of questions and grief and thinking I know better than Him. 

PUPO plus one day

  Edit: I never published this blog post for fear people would read it before I was ready. After our transfer was negative, I never wanted to publish it, but I've always been transparent about our journey, so feel I should... It still hurts.

Dec. 2, 2022

Well, yesterday was the big day. My labs had come back nice from my final appointment on Weds. Lining was 10.69, estrogen was 520 and progesterone 494.

So, yesterday morning, we got the kids off to school and scurried to the doctor's office. We had one little hatching embryo. They didn't regrade it after thaw, but he said it was high quality and it was good news it was hatching. When we looked at the photo, we both kind of giggled. It looks like a snowman. We decided we'd refer to this little embryo as Frosty. 

There were two photos. The one they gave us and one slightly progressed moving out of the shell that they put up on the screen. I got in my very exposed position, he threaded the catheter, the embriologist came in, and boom. Done. It is always neat because you can see the embryo go in and snuggle down. It's a little burst of white light.

After that, I laid there for ten minutes, emptied my bladder (thank you God!) and we headed home. My husband was sweet - got everything ready for me before he went to work. Got soup ready for me to reheat in the fridge, sparkling water, tea, popcorn, a butterfinger in case I needed something sweet and off he went.

My doctor didn't want "bed rest" perse, but just to take it easy, Rest and relax. So I turned on some tv and did some work. After school, my youngest came home for a snuggle - oldest was at gym, and then they went to his baseball pizza party. I got teary eyed, my husband sent a video - he earned "Best Sportsman" for the season. Pretty much the highest honor in my opinion. He is actually REALLY talented at baseball. He's six, but clearly very talented. His understanding of the game is uncanny.

Last night I did all my meds and slept downstairs. The PIO shots are really hurting this time. I feel like it's really hard for me to get moving. My muscles are just so achy. I don't know if I'm doing them too low, or just that is how my body is responding this time. The Lovenox stung a bit, but I actually don't have any bruising this morning. I wonder if the bruising will get worse as we go because my blood will be thinner.

Today, more just relaxing and working from home. This weekend I'm sure will get a bit more hectic with kid's schedules. I'm just suppose to take it easy. Not lift more than 10 lbs for a while and not to heavy exercise, no sex until heartbeat. Walking is fine so I'll start that back up tomorrow.

All in all, pretty good. Hoping this little angel snuggles in for the long haul. We love Frosty already!

First Monitoring Visit

  Edit: I never published this blog post for fear people would read it before I was ready. After our transfer was negative, I never wanted to publish it, but I've always been transparent about our journey, so feel I should... It still hurts.

Nov. 17, 2022

Well, we're a go. I went in last week for my endometrial scratch. I loaded up on 600 mg of ibuprofen first this time and for the lady who pretty much avoids meds at all cost, I'm telling you, do it. I barely felt it this time. A pinch and a bit of a scratch but NOTHING like the pain I endured last time. 

Side note, my parents were in town and can't even make this up, as I was going out to my appointment my mom pulled out two ornaments that had been on my late grandma's tree. They were snowflakes. I didn't even think about it until my husband walked in and gave me the look. What a coincidence, or gentle message ;)

I met with my coordinator who gave me my scrip. I priced things out on GoodRX and all the fertility pharmacies I could find. The delestrogen, estrace, medrol, PIO and Lovenox (all generics) were WAY cheaper through GoodRx. If you don't use it, start. I learned about GoodRX Plus after the fact. If we get a positive, I'll enroll to see if the savings are worth it to continue.

I did order the endometrin from my clinic. They had the best price in the states. I did find an online pharmacy ivfpharmacy.com however I know not all clinics will allow you to order meds from out of country. They appear legit though and several people I know used them. They are all FDA approved meds. 

I started my period Monday the 14th and went in on the 15th for my first monitoring visit. All good to go. Lining was 4.9, estrogen <5 and progesterone .65. Started my estrace and delestrogen. Still pretty good at giving myself shots in the rear apparently ;) I was grateful my nurse ordered shorter needles for me.

Now, we just keep trucking along. Back to the clinic on Monday for my second monitoring visit. I guess they do a third then a fourth the day before transfer. That was new for me, but makes sense. Busy drinking my POM juice, NingXia Red and Red Raspberry leaf tea. 

My husband and I are trying not to get too excited, but those feelings can't help creeping in....

Here. We. Go.

 Edit: I never published this blog post for fear people would read it before I was ready. After our transfer was negative, I never wanted to publish it, but I've always been transparent about our journey, so feel I should... It still hurts.

Nov 4, 2022

I'm excited and nervous and scared and so many emotions right now. I won't hit publish on this until much later I am sure - we don't want any unsolicited opinions...but we are a go for transfer.

For over a year now, we've been grappling with what we should do. We'd reached out to our clinic on numerous occasions with no answer over the last few years. We thought our one remaining embryo had been donated, but a little over a year ago we were billed...in fact we were billed for five years. We got lost in the system. Apparently, there was a clerical error. No one knew we had an embryo left. It wasn't until we were billed and sent to collections that anyone was aware. Not the clinic. Not our coordinator. Not the doctor. Not their billing department. Not us.

Long story short, the clinic was apologetic and put a hold on our collections and any money due until we decided what to do. I had a consult last spring with the doctor and we checked everything was in working order. I had labs run at my personal doctor and a sonohysterogram to ensure everything looked good. Everything was good, but we were in the process of figuring out our living situation. Our landlords of 13 years were selling and stress was at an all time high.

This summer we started reevaluating again. It was left with both of us go into a lot of prayer. This evening, my husband who had been hesitant sat down and flat out said, that baby is ours. Call the clinic. Let's go next steps. It works or doesn't, but it is in God's hands. That baby is ours. For here or for eternity - that is for God to decide.

So, off we go. I emailed our coordinator. We will see if I have to repeat any tests since it's been over six months, but I feel at peace. Finally, I feel at peace. The last year and a half, I have been on edge, stressed and anxious. I knew in the bottom of my soul this baby was ours. I tried to look at it financially, practically, at my age, everything, but it has been a resounding THIS BABY IS YOURS from God no matter the way I looked at it. For my husband, the one who was most hesitant, to come forward with 100% certainty, cemented it.

I know it sounds insane, but this morning I put on a blend of essential oil called "Hope" and I said God, if it's meant to be it will be. I need an answer. I could not believe when my husband sat down and said the transfer, we need to do it. That baby is ours. If it works it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't, but we will know we did everything we could. I cannot fathom a life without S in it, and I cannot fathom a life not knowing we didn't try for this child too.

God is good. All in HIS hands. If it doesn't work, I've two amazing kids and am blessed. If it works, we will be blessed. God. Is. Good. Always.

Saugus Shooting

Like so many others in our community, I’ve had a difficult time this past week. My kids were ok. I hear about shootings all across the United States and as horrifying as they are, none have brought me to my knees like this one. I know it’s selfish. But, it’s more than the sheer horror of it all. It’s more than wondering if my own children will be safe tomorrow morning when I drop them off. It’s more than trying to grapple with how Gracie and Dominic’s families are coping. It’s more than trying to understand the sheer terror those kids felt. What they saw. How they’ll cope. How their lives are forever changed.

It’s a mother’s horror. It’s a friend’s disbelief. How are those feelings reconciled? If we can for a microsecond distance ourselves from the anger and hatred, as difficult as that is, what’s left is a kid. He’s not innocent. Not at all. But as a community, I think where part of the horror lies, is he was like “every kid.”

His classmates described him as “a quiet, normal student who "seemed like one of those regular kids" He ran track. He was in Boyscouts. He had a girlfriend. A family friend said “I’ve known the whole family my whole life. It’s just – it’s so surprising. You hear about things like this in the news, you don’t expect it to be your own community. He was a very quiet person, a kind person. He was respectful, how he talked about others. It could be just the relationship that he and I had together but, you know, I just wish he was willing to say that he needed some help.”

Another - “I’m bewildered and looking for answers — the question as to why all this would happen. So many questions no one has the answers to.””

"I literally thought he was a normal kid," said Brizio DelRosario, 16, who ran with Berhow on the Junior Varsity Cross Country team. "We would run together sometimes. The last time I saw him was at a race about 2 weeks ago, he was totally normal. I started next to him and he wished me luck."

"He wasn't a quiet or a weird kid," DelRosario said.

Another teammate, who asked that his name not be used, said the student, whom they called Nathan, was in a group of about 7 or 8 friends who all ran track at Saugus High and went to parties together. He said he knew Nathan "very well" and that he is "the sweetest kid you'll ever meet."

"Nathan is shy," the friend said. "I saw Nathan yesterday; we went on a hill run with maybe four guys. He was totally normal, cracking jokes as usual."

Everything said about this child…no one knew. No one. His mom showed up to the hospital thinking he was a victim…can you imagine? Can you imagine the horror to hear your child was shot – the panic, the anger, the sadness, the disbelief, to show up and be told that he was the PERPETRATOR. I can’t even for a second wrap my head around that.

No one knew. Beyond all the obvious reasons I’m horrified…I just cannot come to terms with this. No one knew. His mom. His teachers. His Boy scout’s leaders. His coaches. His girlfriend. His sister. His family. His classmates. His friends. His teammates. No one. NO ONE.

I think that is where my horror comes in the most. Over and over…people keep just saying he was “normal” he was like “every kid” he was “respectful” he was “funny” he was “kind” yet he did the unfathomable. As a society…as a mom…no one knew. How do we rectify that? It could have been any kid, and I think that is what is most horrifying. We don’t want to admit that. But, I think that is the most incomprehensible part…it could have been any kid.

I don’t know how to “fix” that. I don’t. But it is the horror that keeps me awake at night.