Goodbye 2022

 Dec 31, 2022

Last day of the year. I'm feeling really sad and sentimental tonight. It was nine years ago tonight that my premature ovarian failure journey began. I remember I took a pregnancy test before taking a sip of champagne and it was positive. From there, it all unraveled. Who knew positives tests don't always mean positive. 

I wouldn't trade my journey for anything. I got my son from it, but tonight it just reminds me after our most recent loss, or miss, or whatever you want to call it, how much it sucks to not be in control. A month ago, I was going to bed hopeful and optimistic for our transfer the next day. 

Tonight, we were suppose to be in AZ visiting my in-laws, but the night before we left, my mother in law came tested positive for COVID. She's doing ok, just run down. I think us not getting out of town as we planned and not being near family compounds all the big feelings I'm having right now.

We are gearing up to move again in two months, so I stare at all the bins of baby clothes and cloth diapers and baby things I'd saved and it just sickens me to give them all away. But it's silly for me to lug them to yet another house. When I did my purge last time we moved six months ago, we got rid of a lot. I pared it all down to clothes we'd reuse and gave all the rest away. I gave away all the baby toys and gear except two bins of my favorites. We donated the crib and highchair to the church knowing we could borrow them as needed if our transfer worked. Now...now...it just seems ridiculous to hold on to it all.

I keep telling myself even if I clear it all out, if we do get blessed in some way, I can get our needs from the local buy nothing group. Lord knows I've given away hundreds of items through there amidst our move and purge...but it just seems final. It feels like I'm giving up or moving on. But my heart isn't there. I'm not ready to move on.

I thought I would be. We thought we would be. We decided to transfer saying if it doesn't work, we'd have closure. Neither of us feel it. At all. 

After the failed transfer the doctor called me. My hormone levels were perfect. My lining was perfect. The transfer was perfect. He said it just must've been the embryo. That I could obviously get pregnant and carry a pregnancy and everything else looked good. But it was our last. He said we could use an egg donor, but I said no. That's not something we can afford. I did ask if all the embryos were used that were donated in our batch. He said it would take some digging, but he'd look into it. With the holidays if we didn't hear back by mid-January to call. I don't know if that is realistic, but certainly can't hurt to follow through.

If there are none, I'm not quite sure where that leaves us. The thought of trying to match and going through it all emotionally and financially seems daunting and irresponsible...but my heart sure says otherwise. 

I don't know. I'm just feeling lonely and sad. No one knows. I can't talk about it. I just want to be angry or sad sometimes and there is no one to talk through it with. My husband and I still talk but it's more of a we just don't know how to process it talk. 

It's the holidays and we are without family. Friends all had their own plans. I guess I just feel lonely and sad. Having my own little pity party tonight.

No words

 12/17/2022

I wish I could tell you how many unpublished posts are in my queue. But, none will be published. I can't find a subscriber list and think it's nonexistent at this point, so my publishing this is purely cathartic, and I *think* safe from eyes I know. My hope is I can find solace once again in the cyber infertility world.

Long story short, after five years of not thinking we had another embryo we got a HUGE bill from our clinic. Apparently, when the clinic merged with another financial billing firm, our account must've gotten lost. No one would tell us or confirm we had an embryo left and it was assumed it was re-donated since we'd had a live birth. Until we got a bill. I called billing immediately to check if we still had the embryo and was told that IF we did they would call us immediately. If not, just disregard the bill because systems had merged and a lot of people were being billed for embryos they didn't have. No phone call. A few months later an even BIGGER bill arrived. This time taking me to collections. WHAT???

I called the billing, the clinic and emailed every single email I could find. Including our doctor directly. HE was the one who replying and cc'd everyone who was pertinent to get to the bottom of it. We DID have an embryo. They'd waive a PORTION of the bill but not all of it. We were stunned.

This was over a year ago. As we grappled with all of this, we decided just to go through with all the preliminary things to see if a transfer was possible and my overall health. We did the initial ultrasound, all the bloodwork, the sonohysterogram, mammogram, etc and all was A-ok. Perfect in fact.

It took us a year to pray over it, think over it, be of the same heart, mind and body for this, save for it (including back storage they didn't waive because we couldn't get our embryo if we didn't pay $2000 EVEN though we'd been unaware we had an embryo - still bitter about it) and we transferred. And it didn't work. We are just absolutely devastated. We found out the official beta <2 last Tuesday. 

We decided that we would do this alone. No one knew. No one. No friends. No family. Not our kids. No one. Outside voices didn't help. Opinions and thoughts others knew better clouded the only voice that we knew meant anything. And boy, did we pray. A lot. And although it was something we shared together as a couple, we also both now carry that burden and pain alone. My heart aches. I'm angry. Frustrated. I have no idea why God would bring us through all this. I keep repeating the words "Your will be done" hoping for clarity or answers and getting none. I know long term we will find the answer. We will find peace, but right now, it's just a lot of pain.

And we are walking it in isolation. We are both grieving in waves. We both have fleeting what if thoughts. What if we'd done it sooner. What if we'd push harder with the clinic earlier. I've moments berating myself for things I could have done to make it more successful, gain more weight, exercise more, did I do TOO much bedrest, not enough, did I take my meds the same time every day. My mind reiterates none of that truly mattered. God's will is God's will, but the hurt and pain remains. We both feel just complete sadness and that WHY. We both thought we'd have closure even if it didn't work knowing we gave that little baby a chance, but neither of us do. We both thought so strongly, we both KNEW we'd have another child. I can't explain it. And we won't. Grieving that loss...hurts.

My period started as a great big flag of failure and every time I change I see the bruises from injections on my stomach and bottom. A gentle (or literal painful) reminder of the journey.

So, for now, we are just processing grief in waves. Trusting in God that someday we will understand. Until then, I ask His forgiveness for my bouts of frustration and anger and barrage of questions and grief and thinking I know better than Him. 

Essential Oils

April 21, 2019

Happy Easter! I hope you all had a blessed day. He. Is. Risen.

I get a lot of messages regarding essential oils. If you've been following me for a time, you know I'm pretty much obsessed with them. We use them for everything. To support our sleep, immune systems, tummies, relaxation, stress, the list goes on...and on...and on.

People always want to know what oils I use FOR POF. Here's the thing. I don't. Way back when I was diagnosed, I started seeing a Chinese medicine doctor and he explained it so eloquently. Our bodies are pretty darn awesome. I'd been accustomed, and had been taught that you go to the doctor when something is wrong. Most people do. The problem is...something is wrong. We're slapping a bandaid on a symptom. Now, I am NOT opposed to the doctor. I am not opposed to medicines or therapies or any of that. My son was the result of science and good medicine (thank you Lord!) but I AM opposed to overuse of medications and "slapping a bandaid" on a condition that throws your body further out of line.

Essential oils are part of that mentality shift that I had that day. I started approaching my full body wellness from the perspective of taking care of myself. I equate it with a car. If you never change the oil, it runs out...the motor burns out. Investing in oil changes, inexpensive long term. If you never fill it with gas, it stops. If you never air the tires, it goes flat, bends the rims, big dollars, right?

Essential oils are an incredible support to help your body operate the way that it should. We use them to help support our immune systems before we are compromised. If your immune system is nice and strong, your IMMUNE system karate chops the germs it comes in to contact with. Will you never, ever, get sick, no. Let's be real, BUT, a strong functioning immune system means you are less susceptible, and if you DO get sick, it may not be as severe or as long. Before diagnosis, I was ill more than I was healthy. Now, not so. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've gotten sick in the last five years. My son, hasn't missed a day of school in four years. My 2 1/2 year old has missed three days (and yes, he goes to daycare!)

Why do I think that is? We try to keep their little bodies running - we use our oils to support them, we diffuse, we pay attention to washing hands, slathering them up with hand purifier, we take our probiotics daily for healthy guts (hello, 90% of immune function resides in the gut) we add elderberry syrup during icky times of the year, we try to eat healthy foods (sweet, sassy molassy, today was a disaster on that front, and the amount of tantrums and tears reminded me WHY we don't eat that much sugar in this house!! Can I get an Amen?!?) We use oils in our diffuser ever night to help support sleep because a well rested body is a healthier body. We use them when we feel unfocused or stressed and are "spiraling" to help calm down. Lower stress levels help keep our bodies healthier.

If we have minor grievances, we reach for oils to help feel better, to help relax, to help drift off to sleep. So, no, I do not use oils to cure POF. I use essential oils to help my body stay in a place of wellness. Like my Chinese medicine doctor told me...if my whole body is health, my whole body is, well, healthy.

Now, that said, I do use a variety of their oils from their hormonal support line to help support my body. I love their Sclaressence, Lady Sclaerol and Progessence Plus. They've specific supplements like FemiGen, PD 80/20, Coristop, Endoflex, etc that are formulated to help support our endocrine systems, hormonal systems, etc. I feel like that should be a whole other blog post! If you are on Facebook, find the group Lucy Libido Says. Search hormones and there is a fabulous video! Only women are allowed in that group.

We are also vigilant about the products we use. We only use Thieves household cleaner, baking soda, vinegar and castile soap. I use all of Young Living's skincare and dental care, their makeup (honestly, that make up is crazy awesome.) I use a lot of their supplements and others I've listed throughout my blog. We use BPA free plastics, our little eco egg washer minerals (make sure you get FRAGRANCE FREE!! It does 720 loads and is less that $30)

We ditched all products with fragrance. Yup, no more candles, cleaners, dryer sheets (get wool dryer balls - ahhhmazing!) We use only mineral sunscreen - Young Living has an awesome one. We also like Think Baby. We try to do organic as much as we can, but strict to the clean fifteen and dirty dozen pretty religiously. I use EWG and Think Dirty almost daily and analyze ingredients to no end. People think I'm nutty, but doctors think this crazy disease was environmental, and looking at how prevalent infertility and a host of other things like autoimmune conditions, anxiety, depression, eczema, even cancers have become, why put any darn think on my or my children's bodies that have harmful ingredients when there are safer options.

And, I'm not saying all chemicals are toxic. Chemicals are good. You drink water right? Breathe air? Chemicals. What I am saying is synthetic garbage that is formulated in factories isn't intended to be broken down by our bodies. Not at the rate we are using them. Think of your body like a washing machine. If you are doing your laundry, it may seem like you never finish, and that washer may be going constantly, but it gets through those piles (I know, doesn't seem like it.) BUT, if the entire block was dropping off their clothing, pretty soon, you'd be overrun. Even if that washer is going constantly, it will never get through all the loads of laundry. Your body is like that. It can only go through so much.

Endocrine disruptions? Medically and scientifically proven. Cancers? Medically and scientifically proven. They list ingredients that are KNOWN to cause them. Still in your products. Still in your facewash and moisturizer and antiperspirants and shampoos and hairsprays and makeup and cleaners and the list goes on. So, I decided that as long as I can control what comes in to my home, I will.

The oils are use are Young Living's. I tried a ton. Many brands and many varieties. These were the ones that number one, worked the best for me, but also the company I trusted. You can read more about them here. 

Membership with them is easy, and there are no strings. It's simply 24% off retail. No monthly orders required. No selling required. You can do both of course, but it isn't required and you never get pressure. Pressure isn't my style. Learn what membership is here. We've a boatload of educational groups and you get me as your oily guru. I love helping people and educating them and am always available. Signing up with Young Living requires a sponsor - enter me. Follow this link to sign up directly. Or, follow this link to learn more about all the kit options.

The most common way to sign up is with a premium starter kit. There are four options. Makeup (our Savvy line is incredible!) Thieves thieves everywhere. Ningxia Red. Or, oils. Oils are usually the fan favorite because the kit is a $411 value and is only $165. It already HAS the diffuser and comes with 12 oils, the hand purifier, sample pack of the cleaner and two packs of Ningxia red. So, basically the whole shebang to get started. That membership gives you 24% off retail on ALL their products, not just oils, enables you to join essential rewards which allows you to earn up to 25% back, get cheaper shipping, additional monthly free promotional oils and rewards you loyalty oils at 3,6,9 and 12 months. You can also participate in their events, and it gives you access to all our member educational groups. It's a smokin' deal.

This is the premium starter kit with oils. I suggest the desert mist diffuser. It's absolutely gorgeous. It runs ten hours (yay if you have kiddos you want to help sleep) has 11 light settings, or dark and can run intermittently or steadily. The oils included are carefully selected to help support all your physical and emotional support needs.

So, there ya have it. Essential oils rock. Young Living rocks. All their lifestyle products and supplements rock. Everything I was buying elsewhere, now here. I'm an open book about oils, so feel free to message me anytime. I'm always excited when people take a step toward better health, so when you sign up, shoot me a message so I can add you to our Facebook groups and get you your welcome gift in the mail. It has some goodies and educational materials to get you started. Tell me "blogger" and I will place a $10 account credit on your account so you can try a healthier product on me.

I'll try to include more blog posts about essential oils. I didn't realize how many people wanted to know more about them. If you want me to focus on certain aspects of them, how they work, what they are which ones I use and how, lemme know.

God bless! I hope you had an incredible Easter and am super stoked for you all to find all the benefits these beauties offer.

April 14, 2018

April 14, 2018

Baby boy is 17 months! Wowza! We are still breastfeeding and going strong. In fact, I'm drowning in milk. I intentionally didn't pump this time thinking it'd tame my supply, but I was wrong. So, I gave up and started pumping, just for a few minutes a day because my breasts had marks from expressing. I've a freezer full and have been blessed enough to be donating to two families. One with a NICU miracle and one with a poor sweet baby who has horrendous eczema. Her mom suffers from a hormonal imbalance, and her breast milk was passing it to her baby. She came to pick up milk just covered in scales, bleeding. I felt horrible for her and worse for her poor baby girl. Thankfully, the milk seems to be helping. I've two dear friends on bedrest - one in the hospital since 27 weeks, the other just released from the hospital on strict bedrest now 31 weeks with twins. If either needs milk, I'll help. I figure, I can introduce pumping a bit if needed. Not my ideal long term, but feasible. I've a chest freezer full so my guy will have ample supply, even if I ever need to stop. It's strange, but since I started donating, I feel it's my civic duty so I don't mind pushing it for a bit of an oversupply. I was never able to donate blood because I was too petite and have hemochromatosis which nixed my chances, so I guess breastmilk is the next best thing, right?

I'm feeling pretty good. I've found if I forget to do my regimen of progessence plus and sclaressence I tend to feel it. I've also started including vitex (20 drops of a tincture) and two capsules of organic shatavari root per day to help support my hormonal system. I'd used them previously, and thought these two would be good to start up again as symptoms started increasing. They are both breastfeeding safe (of course chat with YOUR doctor should you choose to use them.) I've found when I follow my little protocol hot flashes and night sweats are diminished. Still keeping on with my other supplements. OmegaGize, Super Cal Plus, SmartyPants prenatals, Biosil and a Fulvic humeric blend of minerals, Natural Calm, NingXia red and my probiotic Life 9. I've started sulphurzyme once a day as well as it's high in MSM and wolfberry. I've started incoporating collagen as well to help with bone health. I still haven't had my follow up dexascan, but I'm feeling strong. It'll be interesting to see what it says when I go back.

The kids are great. S is a TALKER!! Holy moly! I've never heard a kid that young chatting up a storm. Full sentences and all. He's VERY smart. And, VERY stubborn. We will have our hands full. Very head strong. I guess he had to be to survive the freeze ;) Watching my two boys together seriously has to be the most heart warming thing I've ever seen. I love watching them together. They are best friends. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing. I cannot even think of my life without the two of them in it. My oldest son is now asking for a sister. He wanted one before and apparently the dream still lives on.

Work has been going ok. It's really tough to manage everything. Sometimes I just sigh that my house isn't as clean as I'd like or I don't have the things I'd like (I'll be honest, I'm embarassed. My shoes are now 8 years old, have holes and are discolored, but I'll be damned if my kids ever think they don't have the best life ever.) I felt funny today going to my son's school. They were riding for St. Jude and all the other kids brought a bike. We didn't. He has a scooter. Living in a townhome, we don't have a yard or block for him to ride on, and it's an added expense. I was embarrassed. Silly, right? These parents are my friends, yet I still felt judged. I know...in my head. I started looking for a used bike when we got home regardless. I look at prices in MI and know it'd be sooooo much easier financially. Our life is here though. My husbands job. Acting. My kids friends.

Thankfully, I've been starting to teach more essential oil classes with great attendance. My dream is to move to JUST educating about healthier lifestyle options and acting. I tremble to think lifestyle choice could render other women infertile. It infuriates me these products are on the market and advertising is so one sided. I just put my blinders on and speak and know my truth. It's fulfilling to me hearing how beneficial they've been to people. I pray constantly others will just try something to proactively protect themselves. I also had a nice week of auditions. Nothing since, but it felt invigorating to be back out there. That is where my heart is. I feel so alive on set. Telling stories. I pray and trust I'll work back into it.

There are days I would love love love another child. Others I know how blessed I am with my two boys and how difficult another child would be time wise and financially. The reality is, that is totally in God's hands. At this point, we don't intend to transfer again and I was given less than a one in ten million chance of conceiving before and I'm sure it's only diminished. I'm trying hard to cherish every single second. I nurse S through naps, I spend time cuddling my oldest at night after prayers...and quite frankly...I'm ok with it. Before, I'd have been so panicked to get that extra bit of work in. Now, I know how important these moments are. I can stay up an extra hour at night to work if needed. Visiting my friend at the hospital on bedrest for twins should've scared me...but being there...made me sentimental about my own babies. We still have an embryo and there are days I just watch Seeley with that nagging feeling what if they'd grabbed a different straw...he'd still be frozen. Who is that child in the straw? Are they suppose to be with our family too?

I truly do love motherhood. Every stage. Sure, I get stressed. I lose my temper. I get tired, but I love it. I do. At my weakest moments, I take a breath and give myself grace. It. Is. Hard. Anyone who tells you differently is delusional, or far better than I. My husband really struggles. I don't know if he could manage another child and he's the first to admit that. At times I find myself thinking back to what I "thought" my life would be. In premarital classes we wanted four kids. We were open to adoption, fostering. If we had the money. Truly, if we didn't have financial concerns, I'd be all for more kids. For fostering. For all of it. Finances cause so much stress on a family. Marriage.

I'm getting excited to head home to Michigan this summer. We'll be there for five weeks. It's be great for the kids. Poor S has only met his family aside from Nonna and Papa once when he was tiny. We're also going to AZ over Memorial Day to spend time with my in-laws. The kiddos will love it. I dread the drive, but night time driving is the best bet and makes in manageable.

You know...life is funny. I've said it before, but I'm feeling rather sentimental tonight. When I got slapped with this diagnosis, I thought the world as I knew it was over. And, I suppose it was. But, WOW! Wow. Wow. I catch myself thanking God every day now. Had someone told me I'd find gratitude or meaning in all this back then, my eyes would have rolled so far back in my head, and I may have punched them in the face...but I have. I am so, so grateful for my son. I cannot fathom a life without him in it. At all. He is utterly perfect. I've no doubt at all, this was my path, and he was destined to be part of us. If you've been diagnosed or are considering egg or embryo donation or adoption or fostering, I implore you have an open heart. I cannot explain the immense love you feel. The blessing. The peace. Quiet yourself, pray, open your heart and mind. Maybe it's not an option for you, but maybe it is. I'm in a unique situation to tell you biological or otherwise (because I have both) you will love your child however they come. There is no "difference." There is no less love. I promise you.

I'm also grateful it opened my eyes to living consciously and taking responsibility for life choices. Are we always perfect? Nope. But every day I take care at what I bring into our home or my kids or myself and my husband come into contact with. I wasn't that vigilant before and it upsets me the outcome that could have had for our children. Shit happens. I get it, but the reality is, when I met with my geneticist, they explained that only 5-10% of cancers and health issues are genetic. The rest? Lifestyle choices and environmental toxins and factors. A whole lotta nope there. I can't limit everything, but I sure will limit what I can.

I read back through some of these blogs and I'm so aware of how much I've grown over these past four years. My life is not perfect, but I live full of gratitude now. A crappy thing turned into the most beautiful blessing I could have ever asked for.

Peace and love to you all. God bless.

16 months old!

March 13, 2018

Wowza! Our sweet boy turned 16 months old a few days ago. I'm reeling. I'm not entirely sure how he's that old already. When they say it goes fast, it goes FAST! He's a smart, inquisitive, stubborn, hilarious, delightful little man. He's running, jumping, dancing and CLIMBING...oh, so much climbing. He's very chatty and talks a lot. His vocabulary is crazy impressive. He not only repeats everything, but uses it intentionally. Sentences and all. It's nice he's so communicative because he can tell us everything he wants. And, he'll tell us over and over and over...and is not thrilled when we don't oblige ;)

He loves helping and it sweet to see him mimic chores, patterns and get things for me like his shoes when it's time to go or his oils when it's time for bed. He's obsessed with Elsa and Ana after a recent Disneyland trip and Alexa plays it on repeat all day long. If it's not playing, S continually says "Ana Ana Ana Ana" until we turn it on. Loves puppies. Puppies puppies everywhere. He loves books and imitates how his brother plays with cars and trucks with them beeping and backing up.

It's been incredible to see the boys together. Our oldest son is wonderful with him. Includes him, cares for him, helps with him. Sometimes I have to remind him to not play so hard with him, but it's hard to enforce when S is giggling uncontrollably and tackling him back. I've a feeling these two will be quite the hand full. When R is at school he'll ask over and over "Where's "R"?" and giggles uncontrollably and dances when he gets home. His favorite is playing in R's classroom when we go to pick him up.

Me, I'm glad to have gotten back into acting. I got new headshots and have been fortunate enough to have a few auditions. It feels nice to be back in the swing of things. Walking into a casting office is just invigorating. Some actors hate auditioning...I love it. Granted, I like booking and working more, but the auditioning doesn't bum me out. I'm grateful for each call. Every time I walk on a studio lot I say a big thank you to the Lord above that I'm actually doing it and pursuing the dream that seemed impossible to the girl in Michigan growing up.

Work has been tough. There's not enough hours. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I feel like I'm in this bizarre dynamic of a stay at home / work at home mom, but fill time working mom, but mom. I can't describe it. I know every mom works her tail off. I just wish I could be one or the other.

The boys go to daycare three days, so I try to fit as many hours as I can in there, but the rest are after bedtime. Once I get them fed, to bed, things cleaned up, lunches packed, the house picked up...I'm tired. Absolutely exhausted, yet I have to work. Then I'm up at night nursing, back up in the morning with the kids to do it all over.

I've been transitioning more to focusing on educating about essential oils. Fortunately, that has been covering some gaps for us financially, and, I'll be honest. I love it. Love it. I know so much of the health turmoils I faced was from the junk in my home, foods, products...I love offering an alternative to people who want safer products. My ultimate goal is to JUST act and teach about healthy choices. I'm reaching for them more and more. I've always used a ton of the oils and transitioned all my personal care, makeup, cleaners to Young Living a while ago, but I'm incorporating more and more of the supplements now. I can happily say that as everyone around us was dropping like flies, our family stayed relatively healthy. Aside from a minor cold for my baby and husband, we're all healthy as can be. And, looking at the little sleep I've gotten...three cheers for that. I also can't say enough about elderberry syrup. Legit.

The bummer is, some POF symptoms have started to creep in. More irritability, brain fog and hot flashes. My night sweats started, but I've been using a serum called Progessence Plus to support my hormonal health and they are no more. For hot flashes, I've started using Sclaressence. I either make a capsule with a drop of Sclaressence vitality and take it immediately after nursing my son in the morning, or use the Sclaressence on my ankles throughout the day if I feel I need extra support. I've kept things manageable. Oddly enough, I've turned to the oils for irritability and brain fog as well. They've a lot of emotional support oils that have been good for me to just release pent up emotion and I diffuse peppermint or rosemary and orange when I'm feeling really scattered.

Fortunately, our housing crisis was averted. We thought we were losing our lease, but our landlords opted not to sell, so we are here two more years. A rent increase, but stability. Hallelujah! It works out great because our oldest started Kindergarten next year and it will be directly across the street.

Other than that...nothing big to share. I look at my little family and think sometimes how I'd love to have another child. I know my husband isn't there now, so I keep those thoughts fleeting, but my babies are so incredibly special. If it were up to my, if we had no financial concerns, I'd absolutely have another. My oldest son asks me several times a week when his sister will arrive. I keep trying to explain to him I'm not pregnant, and he says he knows, but he's going to have a sister. Sometimes from my belly, sometimes from somewhere else... I can't help but wonder what God has in store. I'd still be very open to foster to adopt, but I'm not sure my husband would like that. Kids, let's face it, can be exhausting. A lot of children in the foster system come with issues that would require certain patience and understanding, parent visits, red tape, foster workers...it'd be a lot.

I just ask God everyday to set our path. Professionally. Personally. For our family. For our impact and outreach for others. Today though, I savor the moments with my babies. They are growing so fast, and I'm desperately trying to be present in each moment.

God bless!

Lump Update

Feb. 2, 2018

Well, the update on the lump is there is no update. They couldn't see it. At all. To tell you the truth, I went into the appointment pretty peaceful. Random moments of what if, but overall, feeling pretty good. I'd get an answer. Bad news with how to proceed, or good news to put my mind at ease. Instead...nothing. No.Thing. Grrrr.

I arrived early and met with the genetic counselor who gave me a little box to take to the lab. Because my grandma, maternal and paternal aunt, and maternal cousin have had breast cancer (cousin at 42) they decided to run a full panel of 27 genes for breast cancer, ovarian cancer and colon cancer. It was free, so I said why not. I see no disadvantage. I was able to give her the paperwork from my aunt and cousin's genetic testing as well.

I'd spoken in advance with my genetic counselor and she arranged with the lactation department to rent a pump if they needed a bilateral mammogram. She was incredibly helpful.

So, I showed up to my appointment and was ushered in by a tech all business. I told her I had a bottle if I should express milk and she said don't bother. Just put the robe on open side up and lay down. Easy enough. I felt like I had a bit of milk, but trusted her. She did a quick look at my right breast (with the lump) and left breast and said nothing abnormal. I looked at her like, are you nuts. It was two minutes total, if that.

"Well, the doctor said if it was nothing you'd be able to tell."

Silence.

"If there was a cyst or something else there, wouldn't you be able to see it?"

"Yes."

"Well, something is there. I'm a little concerned you can't see anything one way or the other."

Silence.

I asked her if I could express some milk to feel the lump better, so she excused herself for about two minutes. I emptied about 1.5 oz and she came back in. Put the wand up and said all normal. I had to literally take her hand and put it on the lump. "Do you feel that?" "Yes, it's small."

Yeah...but there. She did a quick scan again and said all clear. At this point, I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable about all this. Something should show. Something. She dismissed it as normal breast tissue or a duct.

"Well...a duct should empty and fill, right?"

"Yes."

"Why does this stay the same then? And, small and hard?"

"I don't know, but nothing shows up."

At this point, she tells me she can't do a mammogram because I'm nursing and says if I want to wean, I can come back in a few weeks and they will do one. I told her I've no desire to wean if it's not a medical necessity and she tells me...I kid you not... "Aren't you suppose to wean by one anyway?"

I literally felt my blood pressure rise. "No. They encourage you to breastfeed UNTIL one years old at a minimum, but you can nurse as long as you like."

She smirks. "Well, he's old enough, you can wean whenever."

Me shooting daggers. My internal monologue is "I don't want your parenting advice, thank you very much. Just do your job and find the damn lump." *apologies for the language*

So, what to do?? Wait and see? She said just monitor it. If it gets larger, ask my doctor for another referral. Ooookkkaaaayyyy... Very uneasy. I left. She took the initial images from her two minute ultrasound to the radiologist who saw nothing, so what else can I do?

I emailed my doctor saying they didn't see anything, did she feel it warranted a second opinion? Watching and waiting? An MRI? My aunt and cousin, both breast cancer warrior survivors really are pushing for the MRI. I went on a few forums last night trying to see people who had a lump and it not showing up on an ultrasound and it was unnerving. Advice - never go into cancer forums before bedtime. yeesh.

So, I wait for the doctor. I don't like being a "problem patient" but with my history, I'd feel much more calm with an official, it's nothing to worry about, the MRI was unnecessary than a "you should have pursued this sooner six months or a year down the road."

So, as it stands I will obsessively feel my lump assessing any changes.

Non lump related, I'm looking forward to a little family time this weekend. It's been incredibly warm here, so perhaps a nice hike.

God bless.

Milk Donation

Jan. 17, 2018

I touched yesterday on milk donation. I'm a chronic over producer. In the early days it irritated me. It was constant engorgement, discomfort, blocked ducts and pain. I still get annoyed time to time and wrestle with the occasional blocked duct - all you ladies out there doing the dangle feed...holla!

BUT, I realize how blessed I am. I never had to scramble for food or slave over lactation cookies (although those buggers are good, right?? or take additional supplements like fenugreek or brewers yeast.) Don't get me wrong - fed is best and thank God for formulas, right? There are kids though that can't tolerate formula or need a little extra support breast milk can provide.

I filled up my chest freezer to the brim. There ain't no more room in there. With my first son, I had to wean at 14 months and my stash got us to 18 months of liquid gold. Now that S has officially hit 14 months and I'm still going strong nursing and my health is good, I feel comfortable giving away some of that to a baby that needs it. I wrestled 46 bags out - about 250 oz and donated it today to a mom whose son was in the NICU for several months. He came very early and she's only able to produce about 1 oz at a time. I felt so good that my milk didn't go to waste as it was creeping up on the 9-12 month mark.

I didn't know about Human Milk 4 Human Babies until I was trying to donate it to anyone local and someone clued me in. Ladies - if you are an overproducer - get in there. If you are an underproducer and would like to supplement with donated milk - get in there! Search Human Milk 4 Human Babies and your state on Facebook. NO SELLING! Ugh. A nightmare of a woman in there with a sob story about needing milk for her baby was just caught accepting DONATED milk and selling it - karma baby. Karma! Makes me sick.

There are organizations you can use to donate to hospitals as well, but this mama drinks a cup of coffee in the am and uses essential oils which some programs don't allow. Heck, most don't allow any supplements aside from prenatals and some are very strict on your diet. In this group, you share honestly your lifestyle and people choose to accept your milk if it fits their stipulations. Example, some babies can't tolerate dairy, so list that as a recipient you need donated milk no dairy - or search a donor for a no dairy diet.

I'll be real with you. My child...is the result of donation. He would not EXIST without the sacrifice, heart and love of our donors. Finding this group has given me an excitement to maybe repay that in a teeny tiny microscopic way.

Human Milk 4 Human Babies!

Get in there!

A chance meeting

Jan. 8, 2018

I'm nearing four years since my diagnosis. Last night, I went back through all my emails from my doctor to see the exact day. Jan. 14 was the day I received the email with haywire hormonal levels. New Years is always the time it's all kind of fresh in my thoughts. It was New Year's Eve I took a pregnancy test to judge if I could have a glass of champagne, so those feelings of excitement at being pregnant and then all the emotions that followed of a miscarriage, then not...to being irriversably infertile, to embryo donation to mommyhood again. Quite the journey. People offer condolenses all the time and I say "Don't." Sure, it sucked at the time, but I wouldn't have my son. I'd live that day over and over and over again knowing I get to hold this precious boy in my arms.

Yesterday in the nursery at church another mom asked me where S gets his curly hair. 

Typically, I just comment how genes are funny or something to not get into the whole thing of it in passing, but for some reason I responded “Well, he has a unique story...” and shared our journey. Her eyes filled with tears and she told me her baby now was a complete surprise, but after her first they were diagnosed with secondary infertility. They’d done ivf for their second child and they’d leftover embryos. She’d heard of EDA but couldn’t bear to give their child away and they were going to donate them to science, but after knowing me and seeing Seeley and me together she didn’t think she could. 

Their contract was up this month for storage and they had to make a decision very soon. She told me she'd never met someone who'd been involved in the process. Both of us teary eyed, I asked her to consider donation, that I couldn't fathom life without this little boy. I brushed those curly locks and said he wouldn't be alive without our donor's making a choice to donate.

She asked questions regarding our situation. If we were open, anonymous, and I answered them all. I offered to set her up in support groups for mixed or just donors if she wanted. She didn't know if there were enough recipients out there and I reassured her there were dozens of couples, women and even men waiting for every donor that opted to donate. 

Her husband and herself had been going back and forth for months and had come to the decision he would draw up the paperwork and make a decision without her knowledge so she could be at peace. After us talking, she told me she was going to talk to her husband, and she felt clear on what she should do. Tearfully, she said God put me in her path. Tearfully, I told her the Spirit prompted me to share our story, because typically, I don't tell it in passing. I’m so glad I shared with her. I’d no idea. I’m glad she was open to it, and I hope another family is blessed. I pray they donate and bless a family and allow those precious little embryos a chance at life to run and thrive like my little boy. He's such a blessing. So loved. So cherished. So full of life and love.

I'm so blessed. God is good.

How is my baby almost 13 months?

Dec. 8, 2017

Oh my gracious! How is my sweet boy almost 13 months old? I meant to update at a year and somehow another month passed. We had an incredible celebration. S had a Mickey Mouse party and was just so precious. He wasn't quite certain what to do with his cake, but flung it on his brother who didn't might licking it up in the least. These two are quite a handful. Quite the pair. I couldn't be more blessed.

It has been just incredible watching these two together. R is so, so so patient and kind with his brother. He had a birthday just 11 days after and S of course wants every single toy he grabs. Watching him graciously give everything to S is just so sweet. He has such a tender heart. And, S wants to be just like him. In every way. Their dynamic is so sweet.

He's doing great. He's settled into going to daycare a few days a week so I can work. A new teacher came in, and she has such a gentle spirit. S responds so well to her. He's running around, and WOW, such a climber. My first boy was nothing like that. S, anything he can scale, he will. He's such a determined and resolute little guy. He knows exactly what he wants and will not settle for less. He also has a little temper. If he doesn't get his way, he just throws his little body. I have to be careful he doesn't hurt himself.

On the flip side, he has such a good sense of humor. He's happy and easy going and plays well with others and quietly by himself. His happy place is outdoors and he could go for walks and play out there all day long. We have a back patio with a sliding glass door, and he always whips it wide open to go play in the sandbox. He's sleeping pretty good. The last few weeks, just one wake up per night, so that's a-ok by me. I listen to some women complain, but after R...wow. One wake up, is NICE. R would wake up 10-12 times per night. I was exhausted!!

We're still nursing and that is going strong. He is hit and miss on food. It's ironic, because early on he wanted EVERYTHING. Once he started teething though, he's become very picky. He's on the upper ranges for weight and height though, so I'm not concerned.

Our life is a bit of an upheaval right now. We are renters and our landlords told us they want to sell. We've spent the last several months looking at townhomes for purchase or places to rent. I'm praying the perfect opportunity presents itself. I'm emotional about moving. This was the place we got married, got pregnant, took our babies home. It will be hard to leave.

Work has been busy. My day job is for an inventory specialist and it's been chaotic with all the fires out here in SoCal. Young Living is going great, and I celebrated hitting Silver last month. It's been so fulfilling helping so many people find healthier options in their life. Such a God thing - I'm grateful it was placed in my path. Acting has been sloooooooow. I'm really needing to get my hair cut and some new headshots. One of my goals for the New Year.

On the baby front, I have moments where I'd really like another child. Financially, I know that isn't the most ideal situation. I think my husband is just overwhelmed by the whole idea. I'm sure as time plods on, it will be clear for both of us. Until then, I'm enjoying and thanking God for my two greatest blessings.

Health wise...I feel good. I've been trying to exercise - mostly pushing the stroller, but my hormones don't seem too wacky side effect wise. I take my progessense plus religiously as well as my Biosil, calcium (Young Living's is the bomb dot com) and prenatal (sans iron thank you very much.) I feel good. Just tired...but I credit that to the boys and work. lol

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season.

Blessings!

Almost One Year

Nov. 2, 2017

Wow. This is the one year anniversary of my due date. Granted, he decided to chill in there a little longer until eviction, but I'm amazed. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all. It still feels so vivid and recent that he was born. He's such an amazing kid. He's walking, talking more everyday. Watching him play with his big brother, honestly, it just brings tears to my eyes. They love each other so much. R, my oldest, is just incredible with him. An amazing big brother. And S, our little snowflake, just adores big brother. Always trying to do exactly what he does...which can be dangerous...literally and figuratively. I'm constantly chasing him making sure he doesn't hurt himself. He's fearless.

It's been a wild ride. I look at him everyday and thank my lucky stars. Wow, God knew what he was doing. Our life would NOT be complete without him in it. He has the most boisterous, lovely laugh, and so smart...oh, so smart. When he wakes up in the morning, when I get him out of the crib, he gives me the biggest bear hug. Feeling those arms wrapped around me...there is nothing like it.

R is thriving in school. He's in TK now and I'm shaking my head how that happened. He'll be five next month. I look at S turning one and then think, how in the world have five years gone by. I remember starting this blog four years ago, traumatized by having to wean him. Four years I've been here. Amazing. It really makes me think over this whole journey. There were some hard times. Lots of tears. But, oh so worth it. If you are reading - so. worth. it.

I'm going to make an effort to check in here more often.

God Bless!

Almost seven months

June 5, 2017

Wow! It's hard to believe, but we are less than a week away from 7 months. SEVEN MONTHS!! How did that happen? Our sweet boy is growing fast and he is such a sweet kid. He has the biggest belly laugh and his smile literally lights up the room. He's perfect in every way. He's a big guy! We got to his doctor's appointment tomorrow, but he's well over 19 lbs now and last appointment he was in the 96th percentile for height.

Sometimes I just catch myself staring at him and thinking about this whole journey. When I started this blog, I couldn't fathom it would end up here, but man am I blessed. I shake my head now...I wouldn't have written our story any other way.

I never mentioned his name...we'll call him S. Big brother is R. S is a delight to watch. I love this age. Watching them learn things is simply amazing to me. You can literally see the thought process in his little face as he tries something new. He's sitting up, trying to scoot around, feeding himself. Isn't it crazy how much babies learn in the first year? They go from one cell to an ENTIRE baby in 9 months...then that first year they evolve from a helpless little baby to a thinking, rationalizing little individual. Amazing.

Our boys are best buds. S screams every time his big brother leaves the room. He absolutely adores him. Just these last few weeks to the two have started playing together. Not just R entertaining his baby brother...legit playing together. I got teary eyed last night watching. I remember so distinctly R asking me for a baby and holding back tears just a few short years ago.

Adjusting to life with two has been an adventure. In a lot of ways, it was much easier than I anticipated. I think the age gap was ideal. R is old enough to be a great helped and can entertain himself when need be, and fortunately we have a pretty easy going little guy. He sleeps decent. Typically, he wakes once or twice at night. I kind of giggle listening to people get horrified he's still waking at night...but, to be honest, our first son woke anywhere from 6-12 times per night up until 14 months...sooooooo, once or twice, totally doable.

Logistically there are small challenges with time, trying to put S to bed and get R fed at the same time. Basically, what every mother struggles with. I sometimes feel bad for our older son because I know he doesn't have as much one on one time or feels left out. I really try to make sure we get quality time, especially at night once S is in bed. Story time and snuggle time are special. We finally got S accepting a bottle occasionally, so I want to make sure R and I hang a bit more. He needs that one on one time with me. Thankfully, he gets a lot of quality time with daddy.

Balancing work and finances have really been our biggest hurdles. I'm simply unable to pull as many hours so things have been tight. My husband has been working as our associate youth pastor at church and catering and bartending when shifts are available, but it is just SO tight. It is just so darn expensive here. I look at real estate listings back home and for 1/3 our rent, we could have a huge beautiful home with land. Kills me.

S starts daycare three days a week next month and just thinking about it gets me misty eyed. I simply don't want to send him...but it's one of those ya gotta do it situations in order to make ends meet. I've been really putting a lot of focus on building my Young Living oil business (shameless plug - go here for oils) so I can leave my "day job" and just be a mom, educate about oils and focus on acting again. It's been months since I've had any great auditions, and sadly, I've just not had time or energy to spend the necessary time on it. I really, really miss it. It's why I moved here. I need that little wiggle room to make it work, and quite honestly, I'm a total oil dork who loves using them and learning more about them everyday. I've taking to listening to lectures in the background while I'm working and I seriously am amazed by how powerful they are. Talk about God made everything with purpose.

As for my POF, I'm still asymptomatic. The only thing I could say I have is brain fog, but I think that is more "mom balancing 4298 things" fog than anything else. I was losing hair by the handfulls, like, horrid, and I'm not sure if that was JUST post partum hair loss or something else, because someone recommended I get a good fulvic mineral supplement and a silica supplement and my hair magically stopped falling out. My friend works for some of the leading supplement manufacturers and suggested the Vital Earth Fulvic-Humic blend and Biosil for silica.

As I researched silica, it's actually a collagen generator which is why it's so good for nail and hair health, but what's more, with my osteopenia history, it's great for bone health. Win win. I started taking a really good natural raw calcium when I was pregnant too that I like by Garden of Life. The doctor actually called me for my Dexa scan, but since I was nursing, they told me that bone loss is usually so gradual that I should call back once my son weaned and we'd do it then. I'm really hoping using the silica and raw calcium will increase my bone density.

All in all. Life is good. My boys are my world and I have to pinch myself how lucky we are.  I emailed our clinic a while back to ensure our coordinator was holding our extra embryo. We still are uncertain if we will transfer it, but I want that option available. In my heart, I know I'd transfer 100%. My husband however...still very uncertain. And, realistically, right now, financially that isn't feasible. But, it's amazing how God takes care of us. Every time I question how something will work and actually STOP trying to figure it out on my own and give it over to him...he always has a way. I mean, honestly, that's how we ended up here. I tried to "fix" my body for years, gave it over to God and he brought this amazing, incredible little boy into our lives and I would not change a single thing. So blessed.

Dear Embryo Donor

Dear Anonymous Embryo Donor,

You don't know me. I may just look like an average woman on the street. Maybe you see me hurried to get my son to school or hear my laughter ring out. You may see me smiling with friends or waiting in a grocery line. But, that isn't all of me.

You haven't seen my tears or seen me crumble in a pile asking God why. You haven't heard my prayers or glimpsed the pain in my eyes at yet another negative test. You don't know the burden on my heart or my marriage... You changed that.

You have blessed me. You have dried my eyes. You have answered my prayers. You have put a glint of happiness in my eyes and joy into my heart.

Dear donor, you have allowed me to once again feel that optimism of a positive pregnancy test. You have allowed me that moment of utter delight and tears or joy to see that flicker of a heart and hear that beautiful beat. You've given me the chance to experience the exhaustion, the sickness, the discomfort of growing a baby, and I'm grateful. You have allowed me to feel my baby move around inside me, taking my breath away with each kick. You have allowed me the utter amazement as I look at an ultrasound and count ten little fingers and ten little toes. See a little nose and mouth, legs and arms. You have given me the gift of childbirth - each mind boggling contraction bringing forth absolutely raw emotion and unmatched strength I didn't know I was capable of. You allowed me to see my incredible boy being brought into this world. To hold his slippery little body against my chest as his cord stopped pumping. For his father to cut the cord and stare at amazement at his son. To look into his big brown eyes and kiss every inch of his perfect little body. You have allowed me to feed him and sustain him. To hug him and cuddle him.

You have allowed me the honor or waking up to feed him, calm him, change him and love him. Utterly exhausted, I'm still grateful to catch a glimpse of his sweet face as he nurses by moonlight, to breathe in his unmistakable scent as I rock him to sleep, to feel that soft tickle of his hair against my chin.

You have allowed me the honor of calming him when he is tired. Hugging him when he is scared. Consoling him when he is inconsolable. You have granted me the privilege of caring for him when he is sick, fighting for him when he is helpless and loving him with every ounce of my being.

You have graced me with the gift of his laughter and his wide bright smile that lights up a room. You have let me be amazed by his strength, his easy demeanor and his endless chatter.

Dear donor, I will never be able to look you in the eyes and thank you from the very core of my being for such a selfless gift. You undoubtedly questioned what to do. You most likely wondered if a family could love your babies as much as you could. You may have considered destroying your embryos or donating them to science. You may have wavered wondering if you could do it. Let them go. You may have cried, questioned, cursed, yelled.

Thank you for your selflessness. Thank you for blessing our family with the gift of a child. Thank you for blessing our son with a life. An opportunity to grow, love, live. We will always let him know he was conceived, in love. You loved him so much you gave him an opportunity at life. He was wanted from day one. By you. By us. He will know how much we yearned for him. Prayed for him. He will know he is loved by all of us.

I look at my son and tears spring to my eyes on a daily basis knowing had you made a different decision, he would not exist. That is unfathomable to me. He is perfect. He is special. He is loved. I know with every fiber of my being our son was intended for us by God. He is with us for a reason.

Dear donor. Thank you. We love you. We pray for you.

You may look like an average man and woman on the street...but you are more. You are our angels. God bless you always.

Our new arrival!!

Nov. 30, 2016

I am VERY over due updating my blog. It's been hectic around here!

At my last doctor's appointment my doctor told me an induction was necessary as the placenta became less efficient after 41 weeks. I consented to it as I chatted about in my last post.

When we arrived to the induction on the 10th they didn't have a room ready so I grabbed a bite to eat and we walked around the hospital. I had high hopes I'd suddenly start labor while meandering the halls. As we got checked in, I went into my spiel with each nurse, doctor and midwife my horrible experience last time and how I really was scared for this induction and wanted a better experience. Everyone seemed receptive!

They hooked me up to the monitor and checked how dilated and effaced I was. Still around 1 1/2" - 2" dilated and the same effaced as my prior appointment. I was contracting however on a regular basis and they said that even if I had not had a reaction to Cytotec last time, they couldn't use it. Basically, I was not dilated or effaced enough for pit, but contracting too steadily for Cytotec or Cervidil. Fine by me, I'd already told them I refused the Cytotec.

I also requested no IV yet, just a block for when we needed it. My hubby was in the background setting up our little diffuser and oil selection :) And, we kept that baby working throughout the entire labor, delivery and post partum during our stay. In fact, several nurses got my contact info it was so helpful.

We agreed on a cooks balloon. Basically, it's like an empty water balloon with a spot that inflates on the inside of your cervix, and one on the outside. They would insert it, then fill it with water and the pressure would make me contract more heavily and hopefully dilate me.

Inserting it was brutal. They had a resident try and after about six failed attempts the doctor took over. She was did NOT have a delicate touch. She tried about six or seven times as well. Youch! Once it was finally inserted and filled with water, it was to stay in place for 12 hrs. During that time, I could walk around as much as I wanted and eat with hourly monitoring on and off.

Once I had an hour monitoring, my hubby and I started walking the halls. We did so on and off for about seven hours until we decided around 11 to try and get a bit of rest as the balloon would be removed at 3:50 am. Trying to get comfortable with a balloon hanging out of you and constant contractions is for the birds. I maybe got an hour rest in.

At 3:50 they came in to remove the balloon and the nurse said she'd let me rest until 6 am when the doctor would come examine me. Well, five minutes later, the doctor burst in, flipped on the lights in and in a HORRENDOUS mood gave me the most uncomfortable dilation check of my life.  I was 4 cm and about 70% effaced.She then snapped to start the pit immediately. Um...no.

"Could I take a quick shower and eat something before we start the pit? I know once it's started I can't really move or eat." She didn't take too kindly to that. Um, where did the nice receptive doctor at check in go?!? She consented to let me shower and the nurse pressed her to let me have a cold sandwhich to which she curtly said "Fine. Don't take too long in the shower and I refuse to let you sit around for breakfast at 6."

As soon as she left, I turned to my nurse and asked why the pressure to speed this along and reiterated that there was no emergency, the baby was looking great on the monitors and that I wanted this to go smoothly without risking the baby's safety or my uterus. After a frank discussion, she went back to consult the doctor and returned stating I had an option to break the water or start the pit. "Can I move around if you break the water?" The doctor said no. So...no sense in doing that.

The doctor returned in a much better mood and we discussed everything again. I consented to starting the pit at 2, but only raising it by 1, not 2, every 30-45 minutes versus 20-30 that was standard. I also asked that once contractions were steady we spread it out more allowing my body to work on it's own. She seemed irritated, but I didn't care...she agreed. So it began.

At shift change, an AWESOME midwife and nurse came on and they were 100% behind me. They actually let me call the shots when we increased the meds as long as contractions were 2-3 min apart. They also were very cool with me bouncing on my ball and moving around a bit in front of the monitor. My nurse was lovely to bring Popsicles often and ice chips and water. I also had brought in NingXia Red, which is a Young Living drink (shameless plug for YL oils which helped me immeasurably throughout labor and pregnancy which you can buy here!) and a few snacks that I ate freely. And, lo and behold, my contractions got stronger each time I ate something. Go figure. I was also applying clary sage to help intensify them.

As the day wore on, I upped the pit dose a few times and the midwife checked on me a few times. She told me when I was ready, they could break my water if I wanted to intensify things. After raising the pit once more, we decided to go ahead with that plan. I would have to lay on the bed for 30 minutes to ensure the water was clear. THAT was difficult. I had been moving to manage contractions up until this point, and once the water went, it was full steam ahead. I was at a 6 when they broke my water at 7 pm. At 7:30 I literally rolled out of bed, leaned against it and with my hypnobabies tract playing on my ipod managed to breathe and "relax" through each contraction. I will not lie. Most intense sensation I've ever felt.

My husband was awesome to rub lavender on my back and shoulders to help me relax and kept giving me cold packs for my forehead and back of neck. I vaguely remember him trying to feed me and my chasing him away. The nurse, who just came on at 7 kept trying to ask questions which I ignored every one...my husband finally told her to communicate through him, I was obviously "doing my thing." The only time I spoke to her was to request they drop the pit down a bit. She decreased it two notches. About 15 min later seeing how much pain I was in, she dropped it some more. Within minutes, I was telling her I needed to be checked.

She checked me and I was at a nine with a lip of cervix. I got to my knees just as another contraction hit and went limp over my husband's shoulders and shouted to her "I'm pushing. I'm pushing. I know I'm not suppose to, but my body is pushing." She laid me back down to check me and I was fully dilated and effaced. On the next contraction she told me to give one push. I heard her on the phone requesting the midwife and staff saying "She's a good pusher. The baby is coming."

Next thing I knew, everyone, including residents were there and I was pushing. I sputtered out to bring the mirror so I could see the baby as I knew I'd push better. He was cockeyed in there so I had to roll to one side so he could come out. And all of a sudden, there he was. The cord was wrapped around his neck, so I had to do controlled pushes and breathing until they were able to unlatch it, and out he came. Our beautiful baby boy! He arrived at 8:54 pm after a 29 hour labor.

We had skin to skin where they checked his vitals from my chest. I remember shushing him and the nurse saying no, let him cry! Since the cord had been around his neck, they wanted to ensure he "pinked" up. I love our hospital now allowed the cord to stop pulsing on it's own which was something I had requested when they asked my birth plan. Probably about 15 min later, the midwife had us both feel the cord to see if it was done pulsing and my husband clipped it. They had to take a small blood sample from it because a blood test had shown my son was at risk for anemia and jaundice.

I did start to hemorrhage, so they took my son to weigh him and attend to him while they fixed me up. The cytotec that I had wanted to avoid, I got a huge dose of as well as pit to ensure the bleeding stopped. Once I was doing better and stitched up from a tear, they brought out little guy back in and a big plate of food for me to eat.

I was shivering so badly they wrapped me in about six warm blankets and gave the baby to my husband for skin to skin. Apparently blood loss and adrenaline does that to you! It took about two hours for me to stop shaking. The nurse said I was shaking the whole bed. She did give me mad props for doing an induced delivery with no meds. And, I will say, the recovery is a ton easier without an epi. Intense as all get out during it, but after so much better.

All in all, we had an awesome experience. We had a few issues with latching during nursing which resulted in bleeding nipples (I know other mamas can relate) and severely engorged breast for the first week, but we've found our rhythm.

Our other son, finally got to meet his baby and came marching through the hospital in a lab coat wearing his stethoscope proudly carrying flowers for mommy. Watching him meet his brother and hold him was one of the most touching moments of my life to date. He's been exceptional with him.

I find myself feeling bad at times restricted to the couch or rocker nursing the baby and not giving our other son our full attention, but I'm doing the best that I can.

You know, it's funny. Three years ago when I was diagnosed with POF, I felt a part of me died. Now, looking back, I know in my heart of hearts this journey was intentional. Without it, we would not have our son. I love him so incredibly much and every tear I cried, every frantic moment, doubt and angry word I sputtered at God...it was for a reason. I believe our family is intentional and this child was meant to be with us. In my heart of hearts, I know it was all for him to be with us. I will never be upset over my diagnosis again. Do the side effects suck? Yeah. Was it worth it to welcome this child...yes. For all you women out there who feel a loss, please consider embryo donation, adoption or foster to adopt. I can attest that genetics does NOT make a family. The love you will have for your child no matter how they come, will be immeasurable. Much love to you all.

God bless.

40 weeks 6 days

Nov. 9, 2016

Well, 41 weeks tomorrow. And, induction day. Not my ideal. But, when it comes down to it, I do know after 41 weeks there are higher risks and after all we fought for, healthy baby is priority uno. I was able to chat with my doctor though at my appointment Tuesday regarding my concerns. My last induction was a nightmare. I reacted poorly to all the meds, almost ruptured my uterus...long, painful. This time, she told us to be firm with the hospital staff we don't care how long it takes. Low and slow is the game plan.

Last time I was emergency induced for extremely low fluid. This time, the fluid is fine, baby looks fine, so if it takes longer, it takes longer. I'm arguing against cytotec and LOW LOW LOW doses of pit and taking me off when labor is established. My hubby even recorded my doctor and my discussion so if there is any issue we can play it. She said to ensure they don't give me more than 50% of the maximum dose, so no more than 10 units of pit throughout the whole process. I'm aiming for MUCH lower. I'm feeling more positive about it. Last time we rushed there, were first time parents and slightly panicked for our child's welfare. This time, we feel like we have a game plan and our OB's backing so we can talk more about options.

My in laws are in town and mother just text her plan just landed (hubby is getting her now) so our son will be well taken care of which is a giant stress relief. No worries about arranging midnight childcare or how long the process is. I did say I don't want visitors in the labor room. Once he's here, welcome all, but I really just want it to be chill. I don't want to make small talk between contractions.

We've been doing a lot of walking. Before my in-laws arrival we were doing nightly walks with our son, and since they've been here we've taken a few with him, but were fortunate enough to get a nice long hilly one in tonight. It feels so good, both to walk and enjoy the slight chill in the air. In SoCal were still in the upper 80s during the day, but at night it drops so it feels a bit like fall and I love, love love it!

It's been such a bizarre day. To begin, everyone has been beyond nasty, belligerent, judgmental and just so mean spirited regarding the election. I told Bryce I thank my lucky stars our sweet boy didn't come today. He would have been overshadowed by hate. I'm not sure how much better it will be tomorrow or the following day, but I'll be happy he has at least a scrap of distance from it all.

I've just been very emotional and hormonal. This evening, tucking my son in, I walked out of his room with a tear in my eye. Knowing it was the last time I kissed and hugged my son good night as an only child really resonated with me. I know there is so much love in my heart for our new little babe, but I somehow wonder HOW I can love another human as much as I love my one son already. I remember talking to my mom and she said your heart only grows bigger. I am so proud of him and how sweet, loving and caring he is. He will be the best big brother ever and I think one of the most exciting and emotional times in my life will be to see him walk into that hospital room and hold his baby brother for the first time.

Tomorrow I plan to have a big ole' breakfast and fuel up before the 1 pm induction. Maybe a walk in the morning and to just take it easy. I've got all my oils packed to help with the delivery and post partum, snacks for myself and hubby and son for when he visits and a little gift for him from the baby. We're ready to rock.

Well, the next time I post, I will have our sweet baby boy here with us and not jousting my bladder, ribs and various internal organs. We're so curious and excited to meet him. If I may ask for your prayers and blessings on easy and successful delivery.

God bless.

39 weeks 1 day

Oct. 28, 2016

It was back to the doctor today for NST and AFI. Apparently, my contractions are still every 6 minutes going strong. He was a bit more active today and my fluid was the highest it's been at 13.6, so all is well. When she was checking the fluid, the tech pointed out why I've been contracting with no progress. Apparently, his head is a bit to the right of my pelvis so he's kind of missing the entry and not fully engaged. Until he straightens out, I'll just continue this unending pattern. My body is trying to labor basically, but baby isn't in place. She said I'm probably at least a week away...unless I go home and do some serious dancing and hip swivels. lol The reality is they are present, sometimes uncomfortable, but not painful. If it was seriously painful I'd have been swiveling and doing lunges on my way out the building.

Well, I did grab the exercise ball from the garage when I got home to blow up. I'm debating not doing anything to actively encourage it though until after Halloween. Sounds silly, but I really hope he isn't born on Halloween. It's such a fun kid's night and I don't want him always overshadowed with it. And, to be honest, we have a fall festival at church tomorrow night with trunk or treat that I'm suppose to work, I'm suppose to be cooking cupcakes for church Sunday and the big Halloween potluck and trick or treat Monday night my son is looking forward to going to with all his buddies. I want him to have a fun Halloween. I'm saying all this in theory...our little snowflake staying cozy until next Tuesday wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Maybe I'll start swiveling my hips after trick or treating Monday ;) Or, maybe he'll surprise us earlier. Who knows.

The good thing is, he's doing well. He seems happy as can be in there. Myself, I'm definitely to the point of uncomfortable. I have to do the roll to get up out of bed or off the couch and I apparently have developed reflux at night. I can't lay flat or stomach acid comes up. Pairing that with four or five bathroom trips per night, my sleep is out the window. Small price to pay though, right?

I had an awesome day with my son yesterday. My husband was working and I decided it would be a fun day for just us two. We stayed in our jammies late and read books and played trucks. Went for a beautiful walk in the somewhat cooler morning weather, made lunch together, snuggled and napped. Then, we did pumpkins at night and my husband brought home pizza for dinner. It was really nice to hang with him. I know he won't be the "only child" much longer and my time with just him will be fleeting. He will always be my special baby...it just takes my breath away to think he'll be four soon. They say it goes fast, and wow, does it ever. I look at him and literally get teary eyed. I love him so much. I'm so proud of what a sweet boy he's grown into and his sensitive, heart. He's such a lover. He will honestly be the best, most protective, caring big brother ever. Our little guy is so lucky to have him.

God bless!

38 weeks 6 days

Oct. 26. 2016

One day shy of 39 weeks! I had my weekly appointment today and my NST / AFI appointment. All is well. Baby was sleeping so an apple juice and granola snack later and a little vibrator jab to the tummy and he woke up. I'm consistently contracting every 6 minutes, but I've just come to the plain ole conclusion I'm one of those lucky women who just contract for months before the big show. I guess my body needs lots of practice. What is that called, prodromal labor?

I'll be honest, I left a bit defeated. Last week with contractions every 3 minutes I was checked to be told I was barely dilated and 30% effaced, -2 position. This week, different doctor, 1 1/2 cm dilated, not effaced and -3 position...sooooo....less dilated. Less dropped. Ugh. Goes to show you how different doctors are.

I'm feeling a bit down I guess because I've just been feeling so sick. All day, every day. It was just when I ate before, now it's like this ongoing nausea, hot flashes, constant pressure and contractions. I can't sleep and am incredibly low energy. Where is this energy surge people speak of? I think I hit it early for a month or two and cleaned like a vixen, now I just want to curl up. I feel awful, because I know that sounds less than grateful for where I am right now despite everything, so, my apologies and embarrassment. I just really, really, really don't want to be induced. I had such a horrible experience last time and each day we march on near my due date I hit a stage of panic. I'm sure that isn't helping. I just need to relax.

Good news is when I expressed to my doctor (who was back today) that I really did NOT want to be induced she said we didn't even need to have that discussion yet because everything looked good. We scheduled my post term appointment for 40 weeks 5 days and I think I can eek by until that one without uttering the word again. So, that is good news. Last pregnancy, she was pushing induction every appointment. My husband said our babies just like to snuggle with me and I have a warm welcoming environment ;)

I've started rubbing on my oils and drinking my red raspberry leaf tea to help prime the pump. I am up to bi-weekly NST / AFI now. I go back Friday. But, my fluid has remained between 10 and 11.5 so all is good there. Baby is active.

I'm just plain in a cruddy mood. I think lack of sleep has a lot to do with it and not feeling well. But, all in all, everything is good. My son is getting pumped for Halloween and I promised him we'd carve pumpkins tomorrow. I do love the fall and the weather has been a bit cooler in the evenings so we've been going for walks which is nice.

I'll keep ya posted!

God Bless!

36 weeks 1 day

October 7, 2016

We are cruising along here! I can't believe in less than a week I will technically be "full term" although we'd like to let baby bake a few weeks longer. I feel like the last month or two has been a whirlwind, but things are starting to take shape.

My older son is now settled into his big boy room. Aside from some decor we want to get done, he's got a bed, mattress and sheets, so score. The baby's room is set and ready to go. Fully stocked with laundered clothing and diapers, crib reset and bedding washed. All our baby "stuff" like swings, bouncers, blankies...all washed, all disinfected.

Now, I turn to deep cleaning the house and freezing meals. We have a bit more decorating to do in my son's room and the nursery, so fingers crossed I can get that done. I also really need to put my hospital bag together. Tonight, I'm blending my postpartum spray getting crafty with my oils. I wanted a more natural approach to assist with my healing "down there." If you want to know what oils I suggest, go here. I'm doing a blend with lavender, frankincense, clary sage and helichrysum in witch hazel.

As for the baby, he is an ACTIVE bugger. This kid never stops moving. At my appointment Weds, I had a new doctor because mine left for the rest of the month to go be with her daughter giving birth, and she asked if I'd been doing kick counts. I started laughing. There was no need because he never stopped moving. She did an u/s quickly to check my fluids and concurred. He was just go go go. She didn't take a measurement, but said they looked fine. The week prior it was 11.2 which is still in the ok range. Next week I have to start NST and AFI testing because of my "advanced age" and prior history with low fluids. Thankfully, I was able to schedule my appointment right after my normal weekly appointment.

At 35 weeks, my doctor had estimated the baby to be between 5 1/2 - 6 lbs so thought he'd be around 7 1/2 - 8 lbs at term. That's a pound heavier than my son, and I completely believe it. I can tell this bugger is larger.

I'm feeling pretty good overall. I'm still getting sick after eating, but I'm actually getting use to that. I don't remember what it feels like to eat and not feel sick. I will relish it after our little guy's arrival. My back is a bit out of wack, but that's pretty typical I think. And, the insomnia, well, again, pretty typical. The up four times a night using the bathroom paired with the unable to get to sleep bit is cutting into my zzzz's. All in all though, I've been very fortunate.

My son is PSYCHED to meet his brother. He's already talking about holding him, kissing him, helping out. I look at him and have moments of fear having to share myself with another child. I assume that's pretty typical for most moms having another baby. I worry will I have enough love to go around. I remember sharing that fear with my mom and she said your heart only grows bigger. I have to imagine that is the truth. I know how tender and loved our little snowflake is, and that love will only grow and grow from the moment I hold him in my arms.

Well, I should try to get some rest. Lots of work to get done. Tomorrow a few of my friend's are having a little sprinkle in my honor. Very sweet of them to celebrate our little man.

God Bless!

32 weeks 6 days

Sept. 14, 2016

We're still rolling along here! Things are good. I had an appointment today and the baby looked great. I asked the nurse to put me in the room with the u/s because last time the doctor mentioned whenever I was in there she'd take a quick look at my fluids. They looked great. Lots of pockets of amniotic fluid. Last pregnancy they tried induction around 36 weeks for low fluid, so I just want to keep an eye on it.

Baby is still head down and I can feel exactly where his tush is...and his knees and feet giving nice sharp jabs. He's a very active little guy.

She mentioned I looked like I was measuring small, but when she measured me I was actually ahead, so it must be either the way I'm carrying or his positioning. I still feel huge. HUGE! The braxton hicks contractions are still there and still pretty strong, but she did an u/s today so if my cervix was shortening I'm sure she'd have mentioned it.

I've been struggling with not feeling very well again, especially after eating, but at least it's mainly when I eat and not all the time now. Tired, yup. But, I think that is typical with any woman at this point in pregnancy who is also working full time, running after a toddler and completely redoing their living arrangements, lol. I don't think that is indicative of much at all.

Back I go in two weeks for my last check up with my normal doctor until I have her replacement while she's visiting her daughter and start my weekly appointments. How is it we've neared that time already??? Until then, finalizing our list of people to help watch our son when labor hits while my in-laws travel here, finish up my son's big boy room and the nursery re-transformation, finish up gifting and selling all our stuff to make room, do a big cleaning and cooking spree... Let's just say, I'll keep myself busy.

God Bless.

30 weeks 6 days

August 31, 2016

Almost to 31 weeks. Woohoo!!! We'll be hitting the road tomorrow for a long weekend with my in-laws which means a loooooong car ride. Hopefully my son is well entertained and I'm not too uncomfortable.

I'm starting to realize this pregnancy is a lot more uncomfortable than my first. Maybe I glossed over it, maybe pushed it out of my mind, but I remember feeling chipper and mobile to the very end last time. This one...I already feel like I'm waddling and carting around a full grown baby. I'm also having terrible insomnia (I got up last night and worked half the night because I was so irked just lying there) and have, apparently, restless leg syndrome this go round.

I've been doing a bit with my oils to calm down and have been doing some hypnosis with Hypnobabies at night to try and focus my mind, but I think it has more to do with I just can't get comfortable and it's just a reality of this pregnancy. I did read online that doing squats before bed helps with the RLS so I was busy squatting at 1:30 in the morning last night.

I'm still a bit paranoid of over doing too much because of the whole bed rest and limited activity for the first half of my pregnancy and the strong braxton hicks, so I try not to over exert physically, but I cannot for the life of my deal with that creepy crawly feeling in my legs and trying to get comfortable to sleep.

I also upped my magnesium so hopefully that helps. A month ago it was constant charlie horses, now, they just want to move move move.

Well, I just realized what a griping post this was. Sorry, lol. The up side is this little bugger is on the CONSTANT move. Although it can get a bit uncomfortable or even painful at times, it's so reassuring and really, a neat feeling overall. I forgot how neat it was to be able to feel his little feet drag across my belly or feel his fingers right down there in my pelvis. It truly is amazing...there is a little person in there. Quite a miracle.

A director friend of mine called today. We'd worked on a film several, well, I guess about ten years ago and she is directing a music video that deals with infertility and wanted to chat a bit. It was so nice to catch up and a rather cathartic conversation. I hope her project brings the "taboo" subject to light.

Well, I hope everyone has a blessed Labor Day.

30 weeks 4 days

Aug. 29, 2016

I'm trying to be better about updates :) The baby is doing great. He's now measuring a bit ahead of the game and the doctor made note I was ALL baby. He was actually poking her back when she was taking measurements today as she literally was asking if I feel him. Um...that giant foot that just moved about an inch out of my belly all Alien style...yeah, he's active.

My blood pressure was way low today 85/48. It's always on the low side, but today lower than normal. The nurse said drink water...I lifted my 32 oz water bottle and said this is number three and it's 10:30 am. I'm well hydrated. The doctor just said to feel free to season liberally with salt and spice.

I also asked her about the braxton hicks being so intense and she said as long as there isn't spotting and I can't time them, no worries there. That's reassuring because they've been way more intense than I ever remember them with my son.

She did mention at 37 weeks because I'm, ahem, "old" we'll start NST and AFI testing. My fluids were low last time, so that'll be reassuring to me. She will be out of town the month of October, so I'll be seeing someone else.

Other than that, nothing new to report. I feel so much bigger this time around, but I guess that's pretty normal. And, not knowing this little bugger's genetics, I may be cooking a bigger baby too ;)

God Bless!