A chance meeting

Jan. 8, 2018

I'm nearing four years since my diagnosis. Last night, I went back through all my emails from my doctor to see the exact day. Jan. 14 was the day I received the email with haywire hormonal levels. New Years is always the time it's all kind of fresh in my thoughts. It was New Year's Eve I took a pregnancy test to judge if I could have a glass of champagne, so those feelings of excitement at being pregnant and then all the emotions that followed of a miscarriage, then not...to being irriversably infertile, to embryo donation to mommyhood again. Quite the journey. People offer condolenses all the time and I say "Don't." Sure, it sucked at the time, but I wouldn't have my son. I'd live that day over and over and over again knowing I get to hold this precious boy in my arms.

Yesterday in the nursery at church another mom asked me where S gets his curly hair. 

Typically, I just comment how genes are funny or something to not get into the whole thing of it in passing, but for some reason I responded “Well, he has a unique story...” and shared our journey. Her eyes filled with tears and she told me her baby now was a complete surprise, but after her first they were diagnosed with secondary infertility. They’d done ivf for their second child and they’d leftover embryos. She’d heard of EDA but couldn’t bear to give their child away and they were going to donate them to science, but after knowing me and seeing Seeley and me together she didn’t think she could. 

Their contract was up this month for storage and they had to make a decision very soon. She told me she'd never met someone who'd been involved in the process. Both of us teary eyed, I asked her to consider donation, that I couldn't fathom life without this little boy. I brushed those curly locks and said he wouldn't be alive without our donor's making a choice to donate.

She asked questions regarding our situation. If we were open, anonymous, and I answered them all. I offered to set her up in support groups for mixed or just donors if she wanted. She didn't know if there were enough recipients out there and I reassured her there were dozens of couples, women and even men waiting for every donor that opted to donate. 

Her husband and herself had been going back and forth for months and had come to the decision he would draw up the paperwork and make a decision without her knowledge so she could be at peace. After us talking, she told me she was going to talk to her husband, and she felt clear on what she should do. Tearfully, she said God put me in her path. Tearfully, I told her the Spirit prompted me to share our story, because typically, I don't tell it in passing. I’m so glad I shared with her. I’d no idea. I’m glad she was open to it, and I hope another family is blessed. I pray they donate and bless a family and allow those precious little embryos a chance at life to run and thrive like my little boy. He's such a blessing. So loved. So cherished. So full of life and love.

I'm so blessed. God is good.

Almost One Year

Nov. 2, 2017

Wow. This is the one year anniversary of my due date. Granted, he decided to chill in there a little longer until eviction, but I'm amazed. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all. It still feels so vivid and recent that he was born. He's such an amazing kid. He's walking, talking more everyday. Watching him play with his big brother, honestly, it just brings tears to my eyes. They love each other so much. R, my oldest, is just incredible with him. An amazing big brother. And S, our little snowflake, just adores big brother. Always trying to do exactly what he does...which can be dangerous...literally and figuratively. I'm constantly chasing him making sure he doesn't hurt himself. He's fearless.

It's been a wild ride. I look at him everyday and thank my lucky stars. Wow, God knew what he was doing. Our life would NOT be complete without him in it. He has the most boisterous, lovely laugh, and so smart...oh, so smart. When he wakes up in the morning, when I get him out of the crib, he gives me the biggest bear hug. Feeling those arms wrapped around me...there is nothing like it.

R is thriving in school. He's in TK now and I'm shaking my head how that happened. He'll be five next month. I look at S turning one and then think, how in the world have five years gone by. I remember starting this blog four years ago, traumatized by having to wean him. Four years I've been here. Amazing. It really makes me think over this whole journey. There were some hard times. Lots of tears. But, oh so worth it. If you are reading - so. worth. it.

I'm going to make an effort to check in here more often.

God Bless!

Foster to Adopt

April 28, 2015

Well, it's official. The first meeting has been completed and my portion of our application is filled out. We are applying to foster to adopt. I'm a bundle of nerves and emotions preparing for potential heartbreak, but relinquishing to God's control and timing.

My husband stayed home with our son while I went to the meeting to do reconnaissance. At first, I thought it had been cancelled because at 9:50, I was still the only one there for a 10 am start. A few minutes later a couple arrived and then one man whose wife it turns out was home with his children. The woman from the agency arrived just in the knick of time.

She was a warm and very knowledgeable woman who walked us through the steps one by one. She was also very patient to listen to all my bazillion questions and what if scenarios. I was glad one other man there had questions and soon began to chime in because I felt like I was monopolizing the whole event.

A foster / adoptive mom was also there to share her experience with the process. It was helpful to get her perspective and I fear she was a bit more doom and gloom relaying experiences people within her support group have had, but the reality of it all is important to consider.

Without going into too much detail, the process can take up to 18 months to 2 years on average to finalize an adoption. My mind was reeling how I could possible "give up" "my" child after that amount of time, but when they broke down the logistics it wasn't as overwhelming and scary. Although, no matter how you look at it, it'd be a tremendous amount of heartbreak and grief.

There are two basic facets to the process. The foster side, which reunification is almost a guarantee and the adoptive side which means the bio family situation is very tumultuous. A family has 18 months to get their act together or for a relative to step in before their rights are terminated. That seems like forever to a foster family looking to adopt, but it's broken up into six month sections.

The first 6 months, the biological family, most times, the bio mom is all who is in the picture (there is exception of course, but I will refer to the bio mom as primary caregiver from here on out) has to do x,y and z. Many times rehab, counseling, leaving an abusive relationship, get a job or housing, and visit her children. If the bio mom does x,y,z there is a strong indication that there will be complete reunification.

If bio mom does none of these, it's a good indication the adoption will proceed on down the line, but she still has that next six months to turn things around. If she does not, all assistance for her to get her act together (bus tokens, counseling, government assistance) goes away and it's of her own accord to piece her life back together. If that does not occur by 18 months, her rights are terminated and an adoption can proceed. How fast that progresses is at the discretion of the courts.

All these times are approximate and there are always extenuating circumstances, but this was an example of a typical scenario. So, long story short, most times it's rather apparent early on if you have to ready your heart to say goodbye to the baby or child in your care. Still, let's be honest, no easy task.

The woman speaking was very honest about the situation many children are in. Most of them are malnourished, lagging in development from lack of stimulation and attention, some are abused and almost all neglected in some way. She said even newborns are often all of the above from lack of prenatal care and often times drug addictions, which is one of the major reasons newborn infants are taken into the foster system. Most newborns are premature.

She did say that once you remove the negativity and plant them in a thriving and loving environment with good and adequate nutrition and care, most children within a year or two are meeting their age appropriate milestones in development and social situations.

The certification process can take as little as several months to as long as we basically want it to. Once the application is turned in, background checks need to be done and the training begins. 18 hrs of foster training are required so you can learn how to deal with children's emotional, physical and psychological needs who are in the system. It also deals with how to deal with biological parents, expectations and how to prepare to give a child back, often times into a situation you know is not ideal.

First Aid, CPR and water safety are another requirement. Then comes the home assessment. A social worker comes into your home and susses out your family dynamic. All children or adults living there are interviewed. Your house is gone through with a fine tooth comb down to minute details like every item in your pantry must not be expired by even a day.

The thing I like about this agency is there are 2-3 home visits and the social worker really works with you to brainstorm how to fix things. He or she doesn't just dock you for not having outlet covers and say too bad for you. They make suggestions, look at alternative ways of storing things or locking things away and reevaluate once you make the changes.

All in all, a very valuable day. I gave my husband the info when I got home as he was hustling out the door to work. On his way he called me and we figured out our personal references. Two knew of our struggles, two did not. My boss did not either, but I called her to give her a heads up they'd be calling to verify my work. She shared she'd be happy to give a glowing reference as well and was thrilled for us. Turns out three of her nieces and nephews were adopted through foster to adopt as a sibling set.

As of now, we're entering into this both feet forward. I'm bracing myself for a wild ride. Both the adoptive mom and woman in charge said it's like a roller coaster. Once you finish the process of being certified, buckle up because it's going to get rocky. We could get a call anytime day or night for a child and they could show up with a baby and diaper bag in hand. You need diapers? Hustle to the store. Need formula? Hustle to the store. Clothes? Hustle to the store (or in our case, they'll be in boy clothing, boy or girl for a few days) ;)

My husband and I need to sit down and discuss what ages we are willing to take, any sibling sets and what qualities we absolutely will not accept. As of now, my only quality I will not is sexually aggressive. I have a small toddler and I will not stand for him to be in any situation to be abused sexually. Although my husband and I have to agree on an age, in the meeting I told her 0-2. My son has always been the oldest and I don't think it's fair to change the pecking order on him overnight. I want him to have the opportunity to be a big brother. May we reevaluate that or think twice if there is a sibling set, sure, but I feel pretty strongly about that. I think things like aggressiveness with a child as young as 0-2 can be redirected. Maybe I'll feel differently throughout the training.

It was a very educational, somewhat intimidating and rewarding day. I caught myself thinking if I got pregnant is this something I'd want to pursue, and the answer is, I think so. Maybe not during the same time as my pregnancy, but in the future, absolutely. I really do feel a calling. I think a child would bless our home, and I would hope we can be a blessing of stability and love for a child who needs it.

God bless!

Embryo Adoption Awareness Day

Nov. 25, 2014

Happy Embryo Adoption Awareness Day!!! Did you know about it before my blog? If so, you were leaps and bounds ahead of myself. I only became aware this was an option about a month ago. I'm still struggling with if this will be our path as I feel deep rooted in my soul my body is healing and my bio baby is coming soon (say that with that deep voice from the movie previews...)

I do however think it's important to get the message out that Embryo Adoption is a beautiful, affordable choice that gives beautiful snowflakes a chance at life! I also think it's important that people who have embies on ice know there are options other than just letting them sit freezing for decades or be thawed and disposed of. So many people that have undergone IVF know the struggles of fertility and every single embryo or egg harvested is a precious life in their eyes created through a harrowing journey of often blood, sweat and tears.

Our friends who have five embryos was telling me the other day she doesn't know what to do and doesn't want to just donate them because it'd sicken her not knowing what kind of family they had. I told her about embryo adoption and she was astounded. She could choose the family her babes went to. She could even have the choice to keep in touch, or end the relationship there knowing her babies went to families with similar ideals.

A very cool option for the donor and the adoptee. So, take a moment to learn more about it. You can adopt, and still experience a pregnancy, delivery and nursing your baby.

I saw this link to a snowflake necklace and thought if I ever do decide to go this route, I will wear something like this in honor of our miracle, and to raise awareness so others can learn what a cool option this is.

In other news, two blazing OPKs. One yesterday and one this morning. The timing is right for that of a "normal" cycle if my body follows through. All other sings point to fertile too. CD15 here! Fingers crossed. We had our first son on Thanksgiving, so maybe this little one will have a little Turkey Day story in him or her too.

God Bless!

Embryo Adoption

Nov. 17, 2014

In my last few posts I've talked about Embryo adoption. I was shocked to log on to Facebook today and see this article scrolling across my feed. For any of you that are interested in it...check it out :)


http://www.people.com/article/embryo-adoption-liz-krainman

More Spotting, Say What?

Nov. 10, 2014

Well, I suppose an update is overdue. If you recall, last I left you, I was having the world's shortest (flow) longest (lasting) period. So, I spotted brown for three days, bled a few hrs, then spotted pink / brown on and off for nine more days. Right now, I'm on CD16 (I started CD1 the day of red blood flow, er, trickle.)

Last night, I had a miniscule bit of spotting. Not even enough for a liner, and today the same thing. Looking at my chart, I'm starting to wonder if that was just hormonal mid cycle spotting before and maybe my period is coming? Or, maybe I'm just doing the whole spotting now? Ovulating now? Tough to tell. Here is my chart thus far. If I'd been later in my cycle, I may have thought I ovulated on CD4, and for all I know, maybe I did. If CD1 wasn't CD1, it was in the middle of a long cycle.

Time will tell I suppose.

I did go in for acupuncture and an herb update last Thursday. They said my pulses were stronger. I had more "Jayu." My feeble attempt at sounding out the word they told me is Chinese for "power." My pulse after my session was even better.

Bonus, my herbs are MUCH better this time. The last batch was by far the worst I've had to choke down. With the start of the new cycle, I added vitex back into my mix. I know I'd told you I'd added maca back in a few months ago and bee pollen a while back. I also switched from an every other day dose of royal jelly to two days on, one day off with propolis instead. As always, research your bee products. I attached link to pretty reputable companies. I try to buy mine locally to support local farms, but I've resorted to the links above as well.

Before company arrived I did three days of castor oil packs and soaked my feet every night as well as doing my femoral massage at night after meditating. I stopped about a week in though because I don't want to risk doing that after ovulation.

I've also kept on researching adoption options. Conclusion, WAY WAY WAY too expensive the traditional route. We've been keeping an open mind about fostering to adopt, and more probably adopting embryos. I really like the idea of giving babies who have no chance, a chance. And, I really did love being pregnant. 

Other pluses about that would be I can control everything that goes into my body prenatally and would be able to breastfeed which is really important to me. Also turns out it's about 1/3 of the cost of adopting a child, even after adding in the medical procedures and medicines. 

As much as I look into this, I feel it's not for us just yet. I feel strongly we'll have a biological baby. But, I'll be honest, even if we do, the idea of it is not off the table for the future.

God bless! 

Acu update, Spotting and Investigating Adoption

Oct. 30, 2014

Well, onwards and upwards. It was back to TCM today to share with them the "period" and my new labs. They were happy with the progress. Although they'd have liked heavier blood flow, something is better than nothing. My sentiments exactly. My pulse was a bit stronger today, and nice and strong after my session.

She told me a peculiar thing though. To keep my feet warm. I had no idea that could alter a menstrual cycle, but she showed me how she always wore pantyhose even with sandals because your feet should always stay warm. Out of curiosity, I googled it. Apparently when you bleed you are most vulnerable so TCM says to not go barefoot and avoid swimming in cold water. Here is a link.

https://www.acufinder.com/Acupuncture+Information/Detail/ABCs+of+Fertility+Acupuncture,+Babies,+Chinese+Medicine+-+Part+1

I go around barefoot all the time, so I guess I'll be more conscious of that. I do love my slippers in the winter though, so just another excuse to get my annual pair of Snoozies. Have you tried this things?? You will fall in love.

My session was definitely more relaxed today. I was early, no stressors and I could just lay there. It heart like the dickens though. I won't like. The needles over my ovaries felt like daggers going in! "Hurt?" she asked. "Yes!!" I asked if it was because I was bleeding and she said yes. I'm very sensitive right now because of it. Sweet sassy molassy! She was right!

She was also happy with my labs. Although no beautiful numbers, they were drastically better than last time. And the beauty is, it was done naturally coaxing my body back into health without meds to mask symptoms. I like that.

Something else I feel I should share, full disclosure and all, is I started sending away for information on adoption. The cost of it all makes me want to cry, but we've never been opposed to adopting. I found a few nice Christian agencies (not that we are opposed to others, but these are non profit and I've moral issues with going some of the larger ones that work for profit) in this area. Some of which foster to adopt.

Fostering to adopt is something I'm not certain we want. The big reason - my heart can only handle so much heartache and bringing a child into our family that could leave would devastate me.

Adopting costs upwards of $35,000. A lot of agencies look a lot lower until you read into the "additional" costs. An adoption that looks to be $25,000 after the agency "fees" in usually about $10,000 more. It's all very overwhelming.

I did email our accountant though to discuss the adoption tax credits and how they are applied, so I do know we could get tax dollars back the year it is finalized. There are also numerous grants for me to research if we do decide to proceed in this direction.

There is also the adoption to adopt an embryo. I know my doctors had told me DE IVF, which is donor egg IVF with the egg fertilized with my husbands sperm, but I didn't realize how many families have undergone IVF and are putting their other embies up for adoption. I like that. Because otherwise, those little babes would never have a chance. But again, it is about a $10,000 fee to adopt them (none of which goes to the family by the way - just the agencies!!) and then you pay for the IVF procedure.

The funny thing is, before I never wanted to look seriously into the matter because I felt I was "giving" up on conceiving, but now all of a sudden, I don't feel that way at all. I feel very at peace with we will have another biological child, but this whole journey, with all my prayer, has also given me a certain peace bringing a child into our home another way. I just wish it wasn't so much money. It's staggering really.

So, after all that rambling, I don't know if adoption is a realistic avenue for our family, but I want to research it as best I can. I know we've a spot in our heart and family for a child. I've an odd peace we will conceive and have a healthy baby, but I've always been a bit type "A" in preparing for every outcome.

So, it is CD5 and I'm very optimistic this cycle. I feel good. I'm encouraged my estrogen levels are higher increasing my odds to ovulate, and I'm ensuring I eat well, get good rest and do my best to center myself mentally and spiritually.

Since I KNEW I had not ovulated recently and am not pregnant, I started my castor oil pack yesterday. I did it while I was working. Thankfully my husband was at class, otherwise I'm sure he'd have given me a strange look to come down stairs and find me without pants sitting on a garbage bag (to catch castor oil) with a pack sitting on my stomach! I also started taking my evening primrose and red raspberry leaf tea again. I never do when I even think I may have ovulated because I want to avoid uterine contractions.

I also got an early Christmas present. A nutribullet!! I've been juicing for the past few months, but my motor was shot and it's been tough to schedule with my friend juicing, so I researched different options and decided on the nutribullet because I think drinking the fiber is important too. So, I've been downing my organic veggies for easy absorption the past few days. Nice thing is, my family is hooked too, so it's a good way to get a variety of vitamins and minerals down the hatch. I know proper eating is essential to fertility!!

I've also been listening to Nerida Walker a lot. I play her in the background while I work to center myself when I need to. I think her ministry is amazing!

Off topic, I've continued making my homemade items and I'm falling in love with all of them. My sister-in-law has been doing the same. We've tossed around the idea of starting to sell some small scale to see how people like them. Who knew all these health problems would open so many doors, right? She has three kids and we're both adamant we give our kids the best outlook at a healthy future. I don't want my child to ever suffer health problems from exposure to toxins like I have. I know they come into contact with thousands a day, so if I can do a small part to limit that, you can be assured I will!

God Bless!

POF and False Positives

July 24, 2014

I'll let you in on a little secret. Positive pregnancy tests don't even excite me anymore :( (FYI- if you want cheap Wondfo's which are the cheap HPT and OPK tests go here! This is the best price I've found and you can do combos of both or just some alone.

This was yesterday. The top one, yesterday - obviously darker than the ones preceding it (the days leading up to it) right? Nice progression, huh? The top would be 10 DPO if I ovulated.

Then, this morning. This happened.

Pretty cool, huh? Nope. I had a blood draw to check my HCG. 4. 4???? 4!?!??! Yup, 4. As in not even close to being pregnant. Seriously, how sensitive are these tests? 4 and under is not pregnant. Between 4-25 in inconclusive and 25 and over is pregnant. Do they really need to make tests THIS sensitive? I mean, I like knowing right away, just like the next gal, but come on!

I need to remind myself, to just toss them away without a second though until the line is a in your face YOU ARE PREGNANT line!

On the one hand, I'm seriously bummed. I never did let myself get excited because I thought it could just be hormones awry. On the other hand, I was actually kind of relieved my HCG was only 4. Before it was 7 so it's half. I guess that shows some improvement.

My son had a difficult time going to bed tonight. He was crying and I went in and told him it was night night time and asked if I laid down on the floor next to his crib and rubbed his belly he'd feel better. He told me yes and laid right down. As I was rubbing his belly, arm and head, I just started crying. I totally thought I'd be at peace either way, and I am...but, it just really hit me. I feel absolutely broken.

I don't think I ever understood before all this how incredibly lonely and frustrating it is for your body to be completely out of control. For all the people dealing with sickness, cancers, infertility, mental illness, it is scary. It's isolating, because you look ok on the outside and no one knows. And, even if they do, unless they are dealing with the same thing...they really, can't truly understand.

I had a moment of actual despair thinking I may never experience every moment I've shared with my son again. I have to keep believing I will. For one thing, it's made me value every single second with him. When I find myself getting tired or nearing the end of my rope, I really take a step back and realize that I can't get these moments back. Is it seriously worth me losing my temper? No. It's helped my patience parenting, being a wife, daughter, actor, employee...

You know, my husband and I from the time we were in premarital counseling always said we'd be open to adoption, but the reality is, it's near impossible unless you are wealthy. It cost more than IVF. Whenever I hear someone say "why can't they just adopt, there's so many children that need homes" I really want to smack them upside the head.

I for one would LOVE to adopt. But it cost upwards of $20,000 and beyond depending where you adopt from. We've even looked in to fostering to adopt, but I can't bear to bring a child into our home only to have the family take them away after they've been here. That scares me with adoption in the US too. In other countries that possibility is less likely.

I always thought (before) why adopt internationally when so many children need homes here. Well, they do, however it's become a business. Extremely expensive, with your odds increasing the more you "advertise" to potential mothers. Advertise? Excuse me? Yeah, you read that right.

The only silver lining of the whole adoption option is once it's said and done you can get a tax incentive to help recoup cost. However, that's after you max out all your credit cards I suppose. I know we would provide a wonderful family for a child.

I know from the bottom of my heart my journey isn't over with children. I know this is a set back and I'll bounce back. I always do.

My TCM appointment went well on Weds. They said my kidney channel was a bit weak. I asked if that could be from my UTI last week and they said that could be playing a part. They reworked my herbs to nourish my kidneys and build my blood. They also agreed with me to cut my royal jelly down to every other day, that it could have been monkeying with my hormones too much.

My TCM did give me the encouraging news that she really thought once I regulated that I would fall pregnant almost immediately. She said that everything about my pulse, health, etc showed I was the perfect example of someone who should get pregnant and carry a pregnancy very easily. I did the last time, so I'm just really trying to trust it'll happen again.

I keep reminding myself when I started there was one follicle on my ovary and my AMH was about nil at <.03. I always knew it'd take a good six months to see improvement in my egg quality. I'm approaching six months from my beginning of acupuncture at the end of this month. Next month will be my six month anniversary with herbs.

As my TCM reminded me. My body and health are like a delicate plant. You can't just throw a seed down and expect a tall plant the next day. You have to give it good soil, water, sunlight and nourishment and foster it and help it grow. Our bodies are the same way. It's a process.

I keep reminding myself how far I've come. My body was a wreck before and now I'm all in all, pretty healthy. No night sweats. My sleep has actually been very good the last three or four nights. Anxiety and depression aren't there anymore (except for my woe is me moments - see above, sigh.) My weight is back to a normal range. A tad under the norm, but good for me. I have energy.

I started reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For". It's a 40 day journey to learn what purpose does God intend to use me for. It's to take the perspective off what will make ME happy and learn what will make GOD happy and how can I do it. I think that's important for me right now.

There's a lot tumbling around in my head this evening. I'm really mentally exhausted.

To all you ladies out there going through this. I'm sorry. It sucks and we're on this journey together.