Cycle Day 1 has arrived

Jan. 18, 2015

Well, my "anniversary" came and went. To be honest, I had moments where I was struggling that day, and yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster. I was just plain irritable. Come to find out, it was PMS. I woke up with shooting cramps at 4 am and my period had started. I was surprised at how bad I cramped all day today.

The crazy thing is, I'd gone to my TCM yesterday morning and she knew I'd start. How? I was sensitive as all get out. I wasn't too sensitive on most areas, but on the point lowest below my naval closest to my pelvic, it was like she'd stabbed me. I also had pretty bad pain over my right ovary. My guess is that is the one I'd ovulated from. I started cramping during my session. She told me that because I was hurting so much in those locations I'd most likely start menstruating within a day or two. She was right!

My pulses were good after my session. I think she was busy, so I got an extra long session. I actually thought she'd forgotten about me. An hour went by and I was still lying there with needles poking out and starting to get a wee too warm under the heat lamp over my pelvis.

A breakdown of this cycle. 33 days long. Ovulation on day 19 and a whopping 14 day luteal phase as long as I ovulated when I think I did. That's great news!

I did email my doctor today. Last time she ran labs it was midcycle and the nurse had said she'd intended to do them and an office visit for a 6 month checkup. Problem was, I hadn't had a cycle to speak of for so long, we just went with my first bleed, which was only spotting and turned out to be most likely ovulation spotting as I started my period two weeks later.

I'm not sure if she'll want to see me or not. I could go either way. It'd be nice to have an accurate read of my hormones, but I also like just trusting I'm healing. I'll keep you posted.

From here, I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing. I'm skipping acupuncture next week because I'm auditioning for a play. It'd be my first time back on stage in 12 years if I get it. But, that's getting ahead of myself. I'm not sure if skipping is good or bad, but I'm really starting to just go with the flow. My herbs run out in a few days so I'll be without for over a week. I'm fine with it. Last month I ran out for a good week too. I'm starting to trust and have more confidence my body is regaining it's strength on it's own. I'm just prodding it along.

I'll start my castor oil packs and pre-O routine again soon. I'm waiting until my heavy bleeding is done though because castor oil can make the flow heavier. I really think that's helped. The last two solid periods I've had have been during the months I was vigilant with my packs until ovulation.

I just have to say my heart is heavy this evening. Someone I know lost his wife tonight from sarcoma cancer. She was such a woman of faith and did video updates, up until two days ago offering strength to all those fighting cancer. I journeyed with them over Facebook and have been faithful in my prayer over her, him and her family. I never met this woman, but I burst into tears to hear of her passing. It really puts into perspective how short our time here on earth is and how much we can chose to impact people in a positive or negative way. May we all chose to be a light to those that surround us.

God bless you through your healing and God be with you always.

Better and Better!

Dec. 20, 2014

Well, it was back to acupuncture today and it was a resounding "hung how." Or, "very good?" She was thrilled. My pulses are better and better and both my TCM and her husband (partner in business who translates) were extremely pleased my period had returned in a normal cycle.

My cycle last month was 35 days and I had four "normal" days of blood flow and one day spotting today. When I say normal, it was well within the normal range of blood loss and lasted the appropriate amount of days. My periods up until now have been rather light blood loss. If you are curious, I looked it up. The average woman loses 4-12 tsp per cycle and bleeds about 3-5 days.

My guess is I lost on the lower end of that around 5-6 tsp and bled for a full four days, spotted one. How do I know? Another thing the menstrual cup is good for...measuring blood loss. I only used it half my cycle though and collected about 3 tsp, so I'm guessing it was around 6 tsp total lost.

My acupuncture today was nearly painless. She also skipped the spot she normally pokes on my thighs. I meant to ask her why, but completely forgot. It was nice to relax though. My son, normally an early riser decided to wake at 4:30 today. I stubbornly got it set in my mind I was not going to go in the room until 6 am. And wouldn't you believe he played, sang and talked to his stuffed animals for an hour and 15 minutes. At 5:45 he fell back asleep until just after 7, but of course I couldn't sleep worth squat. Shutting my eyes for 45 minutes during my session was heavenly.

Afterwards, she just kept saying "hung how, hung how" which if you missed my previous blogs in my pitiful American attempt at phonetically saying "very good" in Chinese.

We also had a bit of a scare the other night. Two men tried to kick in our door. Scary stuff! Thankfully, they took off when my husband went towards the door. The cracked the entire frame in half though. Yikes!

Well, as I sit and type I've a castor oil pack on my stomach to get that blood moving. I've felt great the last month! I'm really hoping this cycle was the start of all good things. I did decide to start taking shatavari root again. It's support to nourish your endocrine system and alleviate stress. Another one of those foods that really help your body regulate by prodding it along. Here is a link if you care to read more here.

Tonight is our Christmas. I just spent the last several hours getting everything perfect for Santa. I hope my son is thrilled in the morning.

I've really been reflecting on Nerida Walker and her message of resting in fruitfulness. And, I have. I had planned to temp up until I left, but I packed up my BBT thermometer. I'll resume when I return to have an accurate account to show my TCM, but it's a bit liberating to just take a break. I did take an OPK this morning to see how my resting LH was. Although it's a bit darker line than the average woman probably has this early in her cycle, it was negative, and that is what is important to me.

Well, if I don't get back on before Christmas....

Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukkah
Happy Kwanza
Happy Holidays!

POF, Ovulating and Periods

Dec. 17, 2014

Turns out, I did ovulate, and ovulated in a big way! Yesterday I started a proper period, as in, adequate flow, right color, semi normal time frame of 35 days! My chart is a bit spotty in that I don't know if I had a short LP (luteal phase) of 6-7 days or a long one of over 18. My guess is the shorter, but I have a pretty heavy bleed for such a short one. Either way, drastic improvement from my last 164 day cycle with several weeks of brown spotting. No spotting here. I got a swipe of pink the night before right before bed and woke to a bright stream.

Initially, I was falling into my depressed state, but I snapped out of it quickly. In order to get pregnant, I need my body to normalize. A regular length cycle with the proper temperature shifts, symptoms and blood flow is an excellent indication that is exactly what is happening.

I will admit (thank you God) that I do think it is my complete release to faith that has made the largest difference. I prayed about what I could physically do, and I've done it. So non-believers can choose to think those are the catalyst, but it came from some deep soul searching and prayer.

I did my castor oil packs until the first time I thought I ovulated, as well as my pelvic fertility massage, soaking my feet a couple nights in hot water and my fertility yoga, although not as often as I should have.

The rest was the same in terms of care except the cycle before this midway I had added maca and vitex back in the mix. I think that does a lot of self regulating and I'm convinced it played a large part in my cycle stabilizing. I'm definitely continuing with that.

I usually make maca balls because even the smell of maca makes me want to vomit. The taste is just horrendous. Here is the recipe I use.

Maca Truffles

When I travel at Christmas, I found some organic maca pills. I won't continue that because the price works out to be more than the homemade truffles, but click the link in case the ease of it is better than making maca truffles.

Now, I measured out how much maca is in the truffles. Based on the 1/2 cup serving and the amount I make, it equals out to be about 1 tsp per truffle so roughly 3000 mg. The pills are 500 mg. People suggest starting with small doses. Maca is an energizer, so if you take them, take them early in the day. Like Ubiquinol or CoQ10, it can keep you up at night, especially if you already are predisposed to insomnia from POF.

I'll head back to acupuncture on Saturday. I think they will be pleased with my news. I know they'd mentioned last time my pulses keep getting better and better and they anticipated I'd get my period this week. Then, it's off for a vacation with family, so I'll skip the following week of acupuncture.

I debated contacting my doctor again to get a true CD3 reading tomorrow, because my last one was actually immediately before ovulation. My FSH was in the 40s, 48 I believe which is still POF range, but if it was midcycle (which it was) it no longer is. In fact, below 40s in no longer considered POF, but POI which is Premature Ovarian Insufficiency. With POI, RE's and fertility specialists will actually work with you. We don't have insurance coverage for that, but it's good to know.

I opted not to contact her. I think she'd hassle me a bit for having my levels checked so soon and I don't want to get into the whole reason why I think it was where it was because my doctors seem to just get frustrated with my researching or asking questions. As much as she was more considerate than the last I met with, my overall impression is doctors just want to diagnosis me and move on and would rather I just accept the diagnosis and not question them.

I know I'm healing. I know my cycle is normalizing and honestly, having the number isn't going to change anything. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. I can ask her again in six months, but I rather that visit be a prenatal one anyway ;)

I've already decided my thermometer is staying here when we leave for Christmas vacation. I'll resume temping when I get home. It may throw me a curve ball, but I'm starting to get a handle on the ranges my temps should be before O and after. I just don't want to worry about temping with time changes, later and earlier rising, etc. I just want to enjoy the time with my family.

Yesterday was an amazing day. We took our son to Disneyland for his birthday/Christmas. It was my husband and my first time as well. It was an amazing day. He LOVED it! He loves Mickey and was so thrilled to see his Clubhouse gang. I dare say he has a crush in Minnie. He loved giving all the characters "high bie" aka high five. He was particularly taken with "Plupu" aka Pluto.

It's times like those I just repeat over and over "thank you thank you thank you" for all the blessings I have. I am so grateful for my life and my family. I know our family will be growing soon.

God bless!

Acu Update

Nov. 13, 2014

Well, it was back to the TCM today and they seem to feel this is my "true" period. After chatting about my flow, she felt that my body was ridding itself of old blood, hence the long spotting from before. She saw the clear thermal shift on my chart, and since this blood was, well, like blood rather than thick and brown, it was a true flow. Not heavy, but there. Today it actually got a smidge heavier. I'm thinking the acupuncture may have done that.

When they took my pulse today, they said my "blood" is actually feeling pretty healthy. I was a bit confused, but you know me...I'm good at asking questions ;)

Basically, my right wrist is my Qi and my left wrist is my blood. My blood pulses were stronger today. My Qi channel is still low.

Acupuncture, as I've said before when I'm bleeding is super sensitive. The needle that really hurt today was the one over my right ovary. The left was definitely tender, but when she put the right one in, it felt like there was tremendous pressure in that area.

After acupuncture however, my Qi, per usual, it is drastically improved. I asked them if there is anything I can do to improve my Qi. Exercise? They told me that since I already exercise and am healthy that over exercising would actually deplete me more. They encouraged me once again to improve my "nutrition."

I've learned that this doesn't mean overall nutrition to them. It means proteins. She kept telling me to eat chicken soup. A bit confused I pressed the issue and they told me, "you know, boil a chicken."

"Ahhhhh. So, you want me to eat bone broth?"

Yes! They also said to make sure I am getting plenty of calcium, eggs, fish, meat and to add protein powder to my diet. My hubby has organic protein powder, so I'll be digging into that. She also told me to start eating my goji berries again.

So, off I went to the Asian market. Now, this part, gulp, will make you queasy.  I was already thinking in my head I should have ordered more organic goji berry powder or organic goji berries from Amazon, but figured I didn't want to wait for it to arrive, so I better just get it from the store. I was a bit uneasy them probably not being organic, but for a quick fix until I get my order in, they'd have to suffice.

I went in, got my berries and headed to the car. Thankfully, I went to open it since I hadn't had lunch and thought it'd be a nice snack on the way home. AND THERE WAS A MAGGOT IN THERE!!!! I almost lost my cookies.

I went back in and tried to discretely tell the woman working there what happened. She saw the smooshed critter right there in the bag, so she gave me a new bag. I just stood there in disgust. Um, what if there's one in here. "No, no, this is fresh batch" she said pulling it out of the freezer section.

All I could think on the way home is #1, I will not be telling my husband this happened, he will be appalled (hello sweetie if you ever read this...) and #2, I am either going to freeze these suckers or gobble them up before anything can hatch. And #3 - I am buying the organic powder from now on. I know nothing is hatching in there.

So, as I type this, I'm sitting with my feet soaking and my castor oil pack doing it's thing on my belly. I feel kind if refreshed that it's a true new cycle. I mean, I guess I will never know for sure, but it feels a lot more like a true cycle than that stint of spotting did.

I've still been reading my book It Is Finished by Nerida Walker, but not as quickly as I should be. It's been insanely hectic with work. I think I mentioned before my sister-in-law and I are thinking of opening an Etsy shop for all natural beauty care products? We've been making headway on it. Stay tuned, I'll post a link when it's up and running if you want to try any of our stuff.

Until then, hang in there and God Bless.

If any of you ladies reading want to ever share your journey, don't be a stranger. I know sometimes it's easier and safe to just read others journeys, but we can all learn and encourage each other.

More Spotting, Say What?

Nov. 10, 2014

Well, I suppose an update is overdue. If you recall, last I left you, I was having the world's shortest (flow) longest (lasting) period. So, I spotted brown for three days, bled a few hrs, then spotted pink / brown on and off for nine more days. Right now, I'm on CD16 (I started CD1 the day of red blood flow, er, trickle.)

Last night, I had a miniscule bit of spotting. Not even enough for a liner, and today the same thing. Looking at my chart, I'm starting to wonder if that was just hormonal mid cycle spotting before and maybe my period is coming? Or, maybe I'm just doing the whole spotting now? Ovulating now? Tough to tell. Here is my chart thus far. If I'd been later in my cycle, I may have thought I ovulated on CD4, and for all I know, maybe I did. If CD1 wasn't CD1, it was in the middle of a long cycle.

Time will tell I suppose.

I did go in for acupuncture and an herb update last Thursday. They said my pulses were stronger. I had more "Jayu." My feeble attempt at sounding out the word they told me is Chinese for "power." My pulse after my session was even better.

Bonus, my herbs are MUCH better this time. The last batch was by far the worst I've had to choke down. With the start of the new cycle, I added vitex back into my mix. I know I'd told you I'd added maca back in a few months ago and bee pollen a while back. I also switched from an every other day dose of royal jelly to two days on, one day off with propolis instead. As always, research your bee products. I attached link to pretty reputable companies. I try to buy mine locally to support local farms, but I've resorted to the links above as well.

Before company arrived I did three days of castor oil packs and soaked my feet every night as well as doing my femoral massage at night after meditating. I stopped about a week in though because I don't want to risk doing that after ovulation.

I've also kept on researching adoption options. Conclusion, WAY WAY WAY too expensive the traditional route. We've been keeping an open mind about fostering to adopt, and more probably adopting embryos. I really like the idea of giving babies who have no chance, a chance. And, I really did love being pregnant. 

Other pluses about that would be I can control everything that goes into my body prenatally and would be able to breastfeed which is really important to me. Also turns out it's about 1/3 of the cost of adopting a child, even after adding in the medical procedures and medicines. 

As much as I look into this, I feel it's not for us just yet. I feel strongly we'll have a biological baby. But, I'll be honest, even if we do, the idea of it is not off the table for the future.

God bless! 

Acu Update and Faint Positives

Sept. 15, 2014

Well, Saturday was back to acupuncture. Good news, my pulses were stronger at the start, and even stronger after the pricks. Still not perfect, but going in the right direction. She added another needle to the formation which was about one inch above my belly button. I still haven't quite found that point in any of my fertility books or online, but she seems to know what it's for. I have to remind myself she's treating the whole body, not just fertility. She tells me every time it's to increase Qi, menstruation and pregnancy.

I had my husband snap a picture of my stomach post treatment. This time, they seem to be more red, and one actually bruised. Ironically, the only one that really hurt, you can barely see.

Here is a link that will help you identify the points and why they are stimulated. The photo of the abdomen is almost identical to where she poked me except she did the three points above my naval. About one inch above center and two pokes about two inches above and to either side.

http://www.natural-health-for-fertility.com/acupressure-for-fertility.html#.VBb9f_ldU1I

If you scroll down she also did the Epang II spots as well as one spot directly above the Yintang but into my hairline.

The following images are from the book The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis, which I've recommended time and time again. She shows ALL the various fertility points and what they do. I'm just using these images to show which my acupuncturist used.

She used the LV point, in previous visits when she KNOWS I have not ovulated, she has also used the KI4

This visit, she used the SP 10, SP 8 and ST 36, she has used numerous others on other visits, including Ki 3,Sp 6. I've used acupressure on SP 9 before under their direction.

Although they have not done acupuncture in my ear before, I do stimulate both of these spots every night during meditation. They are good for stress relief.

My acupuncturist also does two spots between my thumb and forefinger to increase Qi.

The Infertility Cure is excellent because it shows all the spots, gives detailed information about each spot, how it should be stimulated and WHEN and also discusses which spots should be used for each specific condition of infertility.

Amazing stuff! I go back next Saturday again for acupuncture and a new batch of herbs. Then back one more time. They go to China for three weeks following that and will stock me on herbs and we will decide if I need more sessions of acupuncture when they return.

In other news, I tested last week to faint positives. My in-laws, awesome as they are came to town to watch my son on Saturday night so my husband and I could do a mini overnight vacation to see a comedy fest. I decided not to use OPK's or pregnancy tests all weekend and just relax.

I did test this morning and still faint positives and a blaring positive OPK. So, I'm just riding this out. I think I'll just test OPKs every few days now since I think I'm having a POF LH surge. Best not to waste my money and no reason to create anxiety.

Although FF still has my temps as O'ing 16 days ago, I'm fairly certain I didn't. My cervix is still firm and closed, but I am assured with that since it spent the last two months wide open. My feeling is, my body is sorting itself out and regrouping. Next time it opens, I hope will be the real deal.

Until then, I've really reflected on the message about resting in the Lord, and I have. Oddly enough, I've had no anxiety about it. My baby is around the corner. I know it.

I'm Hot Hot Hot

June 5, 2014

Not only is it roasting in the triple digits here already, but turns out, I am literally hot! After my CP, I still haven't stopped bleeding so I called my TCM yesterday. We had a bit of a "loss in translation" between the phone / Chinese / English barrier so they wanted me to come in straight away. Because I didn't feel my blood loss was a lot, we agreed today would be fine.

Basically, they were under the impression I was having an active miscarriage. I kept trying to explain the test was barely visible as positive and I was having very little blood loss...just it was still red and bleeding. What they heard was positive and blood. When I got there today, I came fully prepared with my charts printed out, my barely there positive pregnancy test and a pantyliner to show them that was sufficient for my blood loss.

Ah hah. Crisis averted. They now understood...kinda. They thought the liner was for my WHOLE period, so it took a bit more explaining for them to understand that I had a few days of heavier flow, then it tapered off. Today and yesterday it actually got a bit heavier, but mostly when I used the bathroom, not during the day....make sense because I'm actively contracting the muscles to release blood. TMI I'm sure, but this blog covers all that, so why not be honest...because that is what this journey is.

My pulse and tongue showed that I was "hot." What does that mean? My blood is flowing too freely. Makes sense. We went over all my diet and analyzed what is different this cycle. The only difference is the royal jelly. We toyed with the idea of my going down to using it every other day, but my TCM said she was prescribing herbs based on me NOW, so not to change anything. The herbs would cool me to offset the royal jelly while still giving me the benefits of that supplement.

Basically, they were giving me energizing herbs and royal jelly is an energizer, so my blood really, literally, got pumping!

I also spoke with them about wild yam. They'd told me to take it several months ago, but there is so much varying information out there. I'd done a lot of research and it appears that you can use it from menstruation to ovulation to support fertility through helping ovulation. Or, you can use it ovulation to menstruation to help the luteal phase. BUT, using it throughout the entire cycle may act as birth control. Not what I want!

Now, the doses for contraceptive use are MUCH MUCH higher than what I am taking. About a sixth of the pharmaceutical dose is what I was taking, but it still made me leery month long.  They told me they are not as experienced with wild yam as their herbs (they told me they know those inside and out) but only know wild yam can help women with POF and menopausal symptoms.  Based on my research and what they DO know they suggested I use it the first half of my cycle in the small dose I've been taking and discontinue after ovulation.

Because I don't even want to risk and contraceptive use of it this cycle I'm discontinuing it CD9. For those looking at a contraceptive (I don't know how well it works, so weigh the pros and cons before using it) it's 1250 mg - 1500 mg twice a day non-stop. I was taking one 500 mg dose. You can read more about it here.

http://www.sisterzeus.com/wildyam.htm

I also asked about evening primrose oil. They said they know a little about it, that it is good to nourish the liver, but again, are not well versed enough to recommend using or not using it. For now, I won't use it. If my luteal phase doesn't seem to improve, I may revisit it with them and with their consent try it for a month. I'd used it my first time TTC with my son for increased egg white cervical mucus, but knowing what I know now, it can also help support a longer luteal phase.

I have added back into my regimen from trying for numero dose my daily juice blend of grapefruit (for increased cervical mucus and vitamin C) and POM juice (said to increase endometrial lining.) Both good for antioxidants too if anything else.

For now, I'm taking my cooling herbs and avoiding warming herbs like black pepper, cumin, etc. Still avoiding ice cream too, sigh. I did ask permission to eat some on vacation from some local ice cream parlors that make their own. They thought I was rather hysterical but agreed I can have small helpings. Between my hubby and son, that's all I'll get I'm sure ;)

I'll be going out of town for three weeks so I'll have one last visit before I go with three weeks of herbs with me. When I get back, depending on my charts, they think we will start the acupuncture. They didn't want to begin it until I can go for seven consecutive weeks. I asked a few more questions. The first four they basically redirect my energy channels to so blood and energy flood my reproductive organs. The last three sessions they tweak the energy channels to tell it to "hold on." That means to create a hospitable environment to accept and "hold on" to sperm that will fertilize the egg, and to "snag" the fertilized egg.

So, bad news, I'm bleeding too long, but good news is, in January I had no endometrial lining, so nada blood. Now, we're just tweaking things, but I'm doing well. My blood was too "high" but my Qi is still improving.

This month, my goal is to buy the Diva cup. It sounds like a good environmental purchase, but also I've limited so much toxic exposure, I'd like to stop using tampons and pads altogether. I try to buy unscented and unbleached, but I'd feel better about using the Diva cup I think. The added bonus is I can tell them exactly how heavy my flow is versus trying to gauge it by how much blood appears to be on a pad or tampon. (I'm adding this in after the fact, but I ended up getting a Sckoon cup. It's more flexible and not as long.)

For now, I'm signing off, trying to "cool" down and continuing to nourish and take care of myself.

Baby steps (literally!) ;)

**edited update - For the record, when I spoke with my TCM and they expressed concern over my bleeding, I did contact my doctor (OBGYN) too to update her on my status. She said it was most likely a chemical pregnancy with no issues. She said she'd order blood work. Since there is no trace of a positive on my test anymore, I didn't think it necessary and told her if the bleeding increased or I started cramping I would go in for the blood work and call her to schedule an appointment. 

Happy or Sad?

May 8, 2014

It's funny. A few months ago I would have been ecstatic to get my period, and part of me still is (ok, a huge part of me still is)...but, it's surprising how quickly my expectations have multiplied. It's almost since I had a period, I just expected I'd easily fall pregnant this month. Nope.

So, today, AF arrived. This morning my temp took a drastic drop and I got that foreboding feeling. I kept trying to tell myself there was a chance it was an "implantation dip" at 9 DPO, but knowing how short my LP was last month, I figured AF was around the corner. I noticed a little spotting a bit earlier and then after lunch a very light flow started. I also had some pretty serious cramping and backache. I don't really recall serious cramping before when trying to conceive but I only actually had two cycles off birth control and then "Viola" baby! So, I've little to compare it to. Besides, my hormones were VERY out of whack starting this whole process, so I've no clue what my new normal is.

An implantation dip is a drastic dip, I think they say at least .3 degrees within the days of implantation, typically 6-12, most likely around 7-9. Some people believe in it, some don't. It happens far more on pregnancy charts.

The scientific basis is that you have another estrogen surge after ovulation around the time that progesterone, the hormone that increases your temperature in case fertilization occurs, drops. In pregnant women, sometimes that estrogen surge is stronger. Once the egg implants, it releases HCG which tells the corpus luteum to keep producing progesterone until the placenta takes over later in pregnancy. I deduce the dip appears more on pregnancy charts because it shoots back up once the corpus luteum gets the memo to up the progesterone production again.  All I know is that when I charted before I never had a dip until I conceived my son. It dipped on his chart 7 DPO and it went triphasic, meaning the temps after the dip raised above my post ovulation temperatures from days 1-6.

I'm trying to see the silver lining. I went from no period and being told (basically) I would never get one nor ovulate, to ovulating after my body geared up several times with a short LP phase of 5 days (technically since I started menstruating on day 6 it would only be five) to this cycle, my body gearing up ONCE and following through with a successful ovulation and my luteal phase extending to 8 days with my period starting 9 DPO. If my body can gear up, ovulate and extend my LP again by 3 days I will be just about "normal."

So as crummy and disappointed as I feel right now, my body is actually healing quite nicely. I will be honest though. I just want to have a good cry. It's so unfair. In the grand scheme of things, I know I've been dealt a great hand overall and I feel so incredibly selfish I'm getting so woe is me over this, but it Just. Plain. Sucks.

I'm back to my TCM on Saturday so I'll discuss with them my short LP and go over with my doctor if I should start any supplements like royal jelly to start assisting my egg health. She's back from China this week, so it'll be good to get her input on my cycles and how my pulse feels.

My OBGYN had said after 6 months she'd be happy to retest my levels to see how the TCM was working out. My last test she ran was on Jan. 25, 2014. I started acupuncture on Weds Jan. 29 and herbs the following month on Fri. Feb. 21. My six months from the diagnosing blood draw will be July 25. If no BFP by then, I will request an updated lab. This time, I want it drawn on the appropriate CD3 (cycle day 3.) That is the most accurate day to measure LH and FSH. Since I'd had no period before, we just worked with what we had.

Plodding on. Happy and sad.

My Blog. My Safe Place.

April 19, 2014

Well, my flow has been rather light. Yesterday, was more like heavy spotting or super light flow and today was just a tad of spotting, and my temp went back up. I’ll test for the heck of it tomorrow, although even if I was preggers, it’d most likely be too early to register at 9 days post ovulation.

 I’m testing for nostalgia purposes really. It was two years ago exactly tomorrow that we announced we were expecting Reed. If I were to get a positive, it would just make it that more special. That, and it will be Easter Sunday. Jesus rose from the dead. My ovaries firing an egg seems rather insignificant in comparison.  

If negative, I’ll test later in the week, to be more cautious than anything. It’s most likely so low and so soon after ovulation because my hormones are wacky and trying to balance out, but there is just that inner voice telling me to test to be sure.

There is a small chance it could be implantation bleeding and if there is any chance there is a little bambino in there, I want to make sure to stop my supplements and herbs immediately. As my TCM assured me, it is safe, but I don’t like the thought of any unnecessary herb, supplement, medicine, alcohol, caffeine, whatever floating around in there longer than there needs to be once my little bean is leaching from my blood supply. 

The good thing is, until I got my first period and knew I was pre-ovulation, I’d already decided against the castor oil pack which is really the thing I was most concerned about. Once my cycles regulate, I’ll add that back in if I don’t get a positive first.

I shared in a Facebook mommy group, that has been immensely supportive of my health issues that my period came back and mommies came out of the woodwork with excitement and congratulations. One in particular encouraged me to share my journey and alternative heeling route. When I said I was a big fat chicken because not all online communities are as open minded and supportive (ironically, some of the most critical of alternative healing and the desire to beat POF are the POF support groups) she suggested I write my blog anonymous and turn off the comments if I was concerned about people getting nasty. Not a bad idea. I’m mulling over the anonymous or public…

I think I’ll keep the comments on. I want people to be free to ask questions and share their journey and experiences.  I’ll just delete the ones that get me riled up. My biggest obstacle in this whole journey was reducing stress and anxiety. I’m not going to let criticism put me back in a negative place. I’m at peace now.

I want my blog to be a safe place where people can think outside the box. If it’s not their cup of tea, I totally get it, and I really do support people using traditional means to treat their symptoms if that’s what they want to do. However, people need to understand, it treats their symptoms, and although it does lessen their risk of horrible future problems like osteoporosis, heart disease, stroke, increased cancer risk, etc (which is FANTASTIC and thank God it is out there!!) but it does not treat the disease itself. What saddens me, is when people use traditional means and become miserable and depressed because that is all they think is out there. It makes me sad to see people settle for a life without children when that is all they’ve ever dreamed about because that is what their doctor said they’d have.

There should at least be an option to explore other means. I get it won’t work for everyone, but it will work for some. When I was diagnosed, I searched high and low for hope. If my blog can be home for one single person out there…it’s served its purpose.

A Happy Dance

April 17, 2014

Well, the next best thing to a BFP! I got my period! I have NEVER been so happy to see Aunt Flo. My hubs and I did a literal dance around the room. Even our son got into the action. 

So, looking at my chart, unless I ovulated and had a SUPER long luteal phase or a SUPER short luteal phase, I ovulated somewhere in the middle there with all the signs not adding up. It’s conceivable I did 11 days ago, and just fertile signs stuck around for a few days. Long story short, it’s a bit off, but ya know what?? We gotta start somewhere! Now, my TCM have something to work with.

I’m going to call them as soon as they open today. Steady flow. No clots. Right color. Basing it on my chart, I think I’m 6 DPO, which is a super short luteal phase so my thought is my progesterone isn’t high enough to sustain it the correct length. But, my estrogen levels are obviously improving to get fertile cm, cervix changes and to build an endometrial lining. Remember, my numbers were basically zero.

The doctors told me it was impossible.

“For with God nothing shall be impossible.” –Luke 1:37

A Spot is a Spot

April 16, 2014

Squeeeeeee!

So, to the majority of ladies, this would be a big bummer and an eye roll, but to someone who was told her lady parts don’t work, it was literally enough to make me do a little dance for my hubby. Literally, I did a little dance.

I started spotting! Just a little, but it was a mix of brown and pink blood, which means older blood and some fresh blood. The first I’ve seen since having my son. My first thought was my period, but that’d make this cycle have a super short LP (which honestly, we have to start somewhere so I wouldn’t be devastated) or could it be implantation bleeding?? I’m really trying not to get my hopes up, but I guess there is a small possibility. According to my positive OPK’s and temp hike, I ovulated last Friday, which would put me 5 DPO.

If anything, things are starting to work again. At my last u/s my doctor told me, my endometrial lining was paper thin. The doctor before her had told me, basically it would be a pin drop worth of blood if I bled. And this was more than a pin drop J So, along with my fertile CM, cervix that is cooperating raising, lowering and opening, positive OPK’s that go negative when they are suppose to and temperature making a leap, I know have blood thickening up there.

Thank you God!

Just Gimme a Positive or a Period

April 6, 2014

I will admit to feeling a bit frustrated today. I’m 14 days with raised temps and still a negative pregnancy test and no period. Honestly, I’d welcome a positive or my period. It’d be a clear sign things are “healing” properly. I thought I saw a miniscule faint line on the test, but I refuse to get excited after my false positives rending a diagnosis of POF. I promised myself I wouldn’t test today. Yeah right. I’m having a cavity filled Tuesday so will be sure to test before that just in case (they use medicine) but I’ll try to withhold from testing tomorrow. I just can’t figure out if I didn’t ovulate why my temps stayed above coverline…they were all over the place before, and I didn’t get any more positive OPK’s. In fact, they’ve all been super faint. Today it started to darken slightly again, but still not enough for a positive. 

Public or Private

March 4, 2014

I just updated my Amazon shop and save. Yowzer. The supplement / vitamin junkie that I now am!!

Yesterday I had an amazing yoga session at my friend’s house. I understand why she is so sought after. It was the first time doing yoga I was able to truly center. No listening for the baby, listening to leaking faucets, noticing how the carpet needs to be vacuumed while I’m in child’s pose or having the cat sniff at my toes. So peaceful.

This morning was back to the chiropractor. Thankfully he agreed I can switch to every other week appointments because none of this is covered by insurance. (Don’t get me started. A long lecture of how this disease leads to diabetes, cancers, heart disease, osteoporosis, etc by my doctors, yet because it’s a “lady’s problem” and relates to fertility NOTHING is covered. Grrrr.) He said my body is responding well to treatments. He gave me a set of exercises to do every day to loosen my spine as well as showed me how to roll up towels to put under my lower back and at the base of my neck to help my spine realign. I’m suppose to do that for 10-15 minutes before bed every night and he said it will most likely help me sleep better too. Also, he reminded me to continue doing my back stretches with the foam roller.

My friend, amazingly gifted and well known in the blogging world wrote a very personal blog called ‘My Broken Vagina’ and I contacted her about it. As you may have guessed, these entries are still in a folder on my computer, PRIVATE. I want to post them as encouragement for all the women out there who need to hear about how to deal with POF with optimism, humor and God’s guidance, but am a big fat chicken. She was very encouraging about blogging… Maybe I’m one step closer to putting these out there for the world to see.

My hesitations? The big one. Fertility/Infertility is still so darn private. No one really talks about it. I don’t want pity, but I don’t want people “checking in” every month either. Do I really want to share with the world my husband and my, well, most private moments in hopes of a bambino? Right now, my parents, his parents, my siblings and three of my friends know about it. That. Is. It.  I haven’t wanted to share it, because to be honest, I feel broken and inadequate. Everyone has always known I want to be a mommy and everyone’s first reaction is, you can’t be infertile, you had Reed. And I want to shout, YES! I know, right?!? Only the doctors don’t believe that! I launch into my saga and all my alternative treatments.

My other hesitation…I’m an actor. Yeah, yeah, not exactly a household name, but that makes it even more sensitive to me I guess. If I was a huge actor, I’d be known and could get the word out about this issue, but I’m not. I’m an actor who has a small group of casting and an agency that roots for me and goes to bat for me day to day.

Most directors, producers, studios, networks and casting directors have never heard of me. So, what do they do when I’m up for a role?? Google me. Like everyone else in this world. Do I want the first thing that pops up to be my infertility, er, fertility journey? Or my acting reel and resume? If I get brave enough to put this out there, it must be with MY name, not a pen name. I want people to trust me with their journeys and struggles so I must trust them. I’ll keep praying about it. I can’t help but feel the Lord gave me this struggle for a reason and that purpose could be to help others find hope where they have been told there is none. 

Giving it to the Lord in prayer. He IS the ultimate healer after all.