Renewed Hope

Dec. 7, 2014

I love the Christmas season! What a wonderful weekend. My son and I were busy crafting and playing yesterday and today was full of church, Christmas festivities and a kid's concert and church and meal. During the service, we were studying Luke and the story of the angel Gabriel visiting Mary to tell her that she would conceive Jesus. In that story, is the story of Elisabeth (Luke 1:7-1:24) who was barren and advanced in age, but became pregnant with John the Baptist. I started tearing up a bit because again, as the bible says 

"Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.: Deuteronomy 7:14

Heck, if God can give a baby to a virgin, he sure can make my ovaries squeeze out an egg, am I right?

It gives me renewed hope.

Yesterday was back to my TCM. I felt really bad because her father had passed away. I hugged her as she arrived and she began tearing up.

She felt my pulses and was pleased they were feeling stronger. According to my tongue, she could see I still had a touch of my cold. I'd stopped my herbs at the onset, so I still had a lot left. She too looked at my chart and saw a clear ovulation pattern. The problem is, now, I'm starting to doubt if it was ovulation, or perhaps slightly elevated temperatures from when I was sick. If the temps do indicate ovulation, it shows my period should be coming with the temp drop (most likely.) However, I still think it's weird I've had all fertile sings in every other area (cm, cervix position, OPKs) so I'm really not convinced I ovulated, despite the beautiful chart.

Pretty picture perfect, right? It would show a normal length LP phase (although, even if this "is" an accurate chart, I'm still thinking my actual ovulation date would be CD17) a pretty normal ovulation date, good raise of temp indicating good progesterone... We'll see. 

At my session she told me to drink more water. I drink an insane amount already, but alrighty, I'll keep on. She also told me I could begin my herbs again. During acupuncture she put a new needle in and when I asked what it was for she told me my cough. I still had a lingering tickle. During my whole session, not one cough. Pretty amazing.

And it was PAINFUL with a all capitals. Youch! The ones on my reproductive organs were insanely painful, especially my left ovary. It was a take my breath away poke! My legs and feet were also incredibly sensitive. She remarked I was extra sensitive today. Was I ever! It was kind of nice though, she let me lay there for a full hour, so I got to unwind and relax. It's been hectic, so I treasured the extra time.

I was a bit worried my cold would make me go backwards in treatment, which my body seems to do when anything is haywire, but she said I'm still gradually improving, to just keep what I'm doing.

Last night, oddly enough, I had a dream I had twins. It was a long dream figuring out how to nurse them both, but that's my practical mind at work ;) 

I will say, I've felt kind of "icky" the last few days because I've felt extremely bloated. My pants feel tight (and no it wasn't Thanksgiving catching up on me!!) and I got a few pimples, which is a first for a long time. My thought is, although as ucky as it makes me feel, it's hormones at work. Sooooo, my body making hormones equals good things.

For now, I'm just trying to focus on the holidays and treasure my family time. The reality is, no sense paying too much attention to my chart or cycle because I can't "change" it. I can just keep healthy and keep plugging along. I'm feeling great. Sleeping well. I've been focused, in good spirits and don't have any "symptoms" so I'm thankful.

God bless!

CD23 Update

Dec. 3, 2014

December already?? Gulp! How did that happen?

Well, that means we are in our 15th month of TTC. A bit unreal. I never thought I'd be that statistic.

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm feeling the holiday spirit :) I'm looking forward to visiting my family over the holidays. I've already decided I'm leaving my BBT thermometer here when we go. Those ten days will be a mystery, but I want to obsessing and trying to calculator time differences and agonizing over false heightened or false low temps because of it.

Which brings me to my update. Well, I'm CD23. According to my temps, it looks like ovulation on CD17 to me, but Fertility Friend insists on CD15. My OPKs remained positive after though (which I stopped taking on CD21 because I felt it was useless) and I had a bit of fertile CM and my cervix felt open...sooooo....back to the waiting game. Temps it was a very obvious thermal shift, other signs, not so much.

I have been nursing a cold which may have elevated my temp slightly, but I feel like it would have elevated it sooner when it started. So, I'm either 6DPO, 8DPO or not at all. Ha! Not much for clarifying there, eh?

Anyhow, I hope everyone had an incredible Thanksgiving here in the states. My in-laws were in town and it was nice to have some family time. My mother-in-law was going to go to acupuncture with me on Friday, but my TCM called last minute. Unfortunately, her father is in critical condition health wise, so lift them in prayer. I haven't called this week yet to see about rescheduling, but if I don't hear by Friday, I'll check in again. I have enough herbs to last another week because I stopped them when I got a cold.

I also rescheduled my chiropractor visit. I've been going monthly for a while now and want to push it to six weeks and then two months. My goal is to get it a quarterly visit. I just really have to budget accordingly. It's incredibly expensive right now and we don't have much income coming in. It's too bad none of this is covered by my healthcare, but we didn't have a lot of options for the "extras" through the health marketplace.

Well, I'll keep you posted over the next week if there are any telltale signs what is going on with my cycle.

God Bless!

Bleeding again

Nov. 12, 2014

So, excuse my obsessing, but here's a run down. Four days ago I noticed light pink when I wiped. If I didn't over analyze every swipe, twinge or cramp of my body, I'd have never known, but it was there. Same the following day. Then, yesterday, I started spotting, very noticeably. It was enough to wear a liner and consistent throughout the day. It was red blood. Today, the same.

As I was glancing at my chart, I noticed my temps have been consistently high, which I attributed to the time change, but the first two days after the time change, they were still low, so I went to Fertility Friend and switched my CD1 which, if you remember was about an hour of bleeding, to spotting (which it truly was, but it was the most I'd seen in over five months so I made an audible and called it CD1) and ta-da! My chart shows I ovulated between 11-14 days ago. Sooooo..... I may have actually ovulated around the time all the other spotting occurred, and this could conceivably by my "real" period.

Obviously, I will never really know, but if that IS the case, that means my numbers from CD3, were actually the middle of my cycle. An FSH of 48 mid cycle, although still high, is not as scary as CD3...but really...not so scary compared to my initial numbers anyway (gulp!)

That would also mean my LP may have extended. My longest since diagnosis has been 9. So this time, it'd be between 9-12 days. I've also had some pretty bad cramps yesterday and today, which obviously means something's working in there to cause it.

Anyway I look at it...it is what it is. I go back to TCM tomorrow. I kind of hope this is my period is now so I can just look at this as a whole new fresh cycle. It feels better in my mind than another bout of mid-cycle spotting. Either way, nothing changes I suppose. Just keep living and trusting ;)

Confusion, Frustration and Just Plain Blah

July 8, 2014

Well, it's been a while since my last post and I do apologize. I went on vacation (which was amazing and relaxing) to visit my family. 17 glorious days!! I kind of let the "baby making obsession" go out the window. I cheated more than I should have with foods, um, I ate ice cream, didn't obsess about all the organics as much at parties and get togethers and dare I say, had half a drink. Still not wild and crazy, but I "let it go" for a bit.

A few different times I sat down to write but was just feeling out of sorts and didn't. Thinking back, those are probably the times I should. A journey isn't a journey without the highs and lows. I felt very, very low a few of those days.

I intended to write before I left about my TCM appointment. I had delayed ovulation and they, and myself were attributing it to the CP last month. My TCM did say that my pulse was "nervous" and she thought perhaps I was worried about the delayed ovulation, thus making it delayed even more. Could be! At that point, I wasn't really obsessed about it, but it could have been that along with my meeting deadlines with work and packing for our trip.

Fertility Friend marked me as ovulating the day I left for my trip, but I didn't think I did. I never got much fertile CM, my cervix never opened and my temps did jump a bit, but nothing major and I think they remained up due to the three hour time difference. I was temping three hours ahead so my temps would be a bit inflated. I also didn't temp at the same time every day. Here, I temp at 4:30 am, there it was anywhere from 6-8. I decided not to obsess about it because the temps were already varying and I just wanted to sleep!

I did get another +OPK near the end of the trip and although my cervix didn't go super wide, it did get very high, soft and open a bit and then dropped down the next day as my temp shot up, so it could have been then.

In the mean time, I'm just still using the OPK's and tracking so I don't miss it. I'll take the pregnancy test every 4-5 days so if I get a positive I can quit with the herbs.

I was having quite a few days of being discouraged because of the confusion in my cycle and the OPK's remaining dark...not positive but dark. Knowing heightened LH can be caused in POF I was feeling like it was coming back full force. I also had a day or two of what I though were very, very faint positives on my pregnancy test which I attributed to low levels of HCG due to POF. I kept giving it over to God and saying I trust that He and my body are doing what it should. Good news, after my suspected O date, my LH lines have gotten lighter and the HCG test is completely negative so I think my hormones are righting.

I'll be heading back to my TCM in the next few days to have my herbs adjusted and have them see how my body is doing. I did go back to the chiropractor today and all was surprisingly well. I had to be adjusted in a few areas, but considering I've spent the last few weeks on planes, varying beds and sofas and spent a six hour flight with a toddler on my lap (and every other which way) on the plane yesterday, I was in good shape.

I was also a bit out of sorts due to the whole Hobby Lobby / Birth control debacle. I'll keep my personal views out of it because I'm of the feeling no one will change anyone's mind on the issue, but what did strike me as ironic is insurance covers terminating pregnancies but not assisting getting pregnant. I could be wrong, maybe if fertility was required to be covered and a company petitioned to "opt out" of that there would be the same public outrage, but I don't think there would be. In fact, continuing on, it's best to remove Pro-Life/Pro Choice and birth control and abortion out of this. I'm not arguing for or against, but making an observation about how some procedures regarding fertility are considered mainstream, acceptable and a necessity and others are not. A statement someone made about viagra during the conversation really hit home for me (I'll get to that in a minute.)

My frustration lies in the fact it's not just a reproductive choice for me and so many women who are infertile with POF, but a catastrophic health condition. If your ovaries don't work, they don't produce hormones which your body needs. Upon diagnosis I was faced with a list a mile long of what POF does...shortened lifespan, poor life quality, vaginal atrophy, diminished sex drive, extreme mood swings, lack of concentration, and increased risk of osteoporosis (this one was all but guaranteed to me) heart attack, stroke, and various cancers.

Health insurance options may cover birth control pills or HRT, but those don't fix the condition and also have a long list of side effects. Until real research is done on POF, there will be no treatment. And, until health insurance recognizes reproductive infertility as a health condition, there never will be research. Sure, they will do research on high cost reproductive procedures like IVF because people pay for it out of desperation regardless of coverage, but research to cure a condition to make you "operational again"...Hmph. And, if health insurance had to recognize infertility as a "health" condition, they'd most likely have to start covering infertility / fertility at some point.

As my mom says, viagra will always be covered because men run the industry and she has a point. POF is kind of the female equivalent. Someone made a flippant comment during a discussion that if men can't get it up they don't deserve to have children, and in my hormonal state I took great offense because I heard it as "I don't deserve to have children." We'll chalk my over reaction up to the POF raging hormones and I know the person didn't mean one iota of ill will, but in reality, it isn't all that far off. My belief is if abortions are covered, fertility should be. If viagra is covered and researched, POF should be researched, covered and treated as well.

I never engage in political (or religious as the case may be) conversation because I feel it's pointless arguing an issue people are already set in their ways, so forgive me if my ramblings and frustration have riled you up. Not my intention. I was just hoping to work through my feelings and maybe help people look at fertility (and its importance) in another light.  Before my diagnosis I thought of fertility coverage as a "choice" to grow your family and it never hit home that it SHOULD be a choice available, not only to grow your family but treat life altering conditions. I was ignorant. If any other organ in your body didn't function properly, it would be addressed and treated.

Stepping off soap box. <---- Maybe I can just leave my "blah" attitude at the door now and carry on.

In all truth today has been much better. As much as I miss my family, I feel optimistic about things...both my career and fertility.

Hang in there ladies!! God bless!

Happy or Sad?

May 8, 2014

It's funny. A few months ago I would have been ecstatic to get my period, and part of me still is (ok, a huge part of me still is)...but, it's surprising how quickly my expectations have multiplied. It's almost since I had a period, I just expected I'd easily fall pregnant this month. Nope.

So, today, AF arrived. This morning my temp took a drastic drop and I got that foreboding feeling. I kept trying to tell myself there was a chance it was an "implantation dip" at 9 DPO, but knowing how short my LP was last month, I figured AF was around the corner. I noticed a little spotting a bit earlier and then after lunch a very light flow started. I also had some pretty serious cramping and backache. I don't really recall serious cramping before when trying to conceive but I only actually had two cycles off birth control and then "Viola" baby! So, I've little to compare it to. Besides, my hormones were VERY out of whack starting this whole process, so I've no clue what my new normal is.

An implantation dip is a drastic dip, I think they say at least .3 degrees within the days of implantation, typically 6-12, most likely around 7-9. Some people believe in it, some don't. It happens far more on pregnancy charts.

The scientific basis is that you have another estrogen surge after ovulation around the time that progesterone, the hormone that increases your temperature in case fertilization occurs, drops. In pregnant women, sometimes that estrogen surge is stronger. Once the egg implants, it releases HCG which tells the corpus luteum to keep producing progesterone until the placenta takes over later in pregnancy. I deduce the dip appears more on pregnancy charts because it shoots back up once the corpus luteum gets the memo to up the progesterone production again.  All I know is that when I charted before I never had a dip until I conceived my son. It dipped on his chart 7 DPO and it went triphasic, meaning the temps after the dip raised above my post ovulation temperatures from days 1-6.

I'm trying to see the silver lining. I went from no period and being told (basically) I would never get one nor ovulate, to ovulating after my body geared up several times with a short LP phase of 5 days (technically since I started menstruating on day 6 it would only be five) to this cycle, my body gearing up ONCE and following through with a successful ovulation and my luteal phase extending to 8 days with my period starting 9 DPO. If my body can gear up, ovulate and extend my LP again by 3 days I will be just about "normal."

So as crummy and disappointed as I feel right now, my body is actually healing quite nicely. I will be honest though. I just want to have a good cry. It's so unfair. In the grand scheme of things, I know I've been dealt a great hand overall and I feel so incredibly selfish I'm getting so woe is me over this, but it Just. Plain. Sucks.

I'm back to my TCM on Saturday so I'll discuss with them my short LP and go over with my doctor if I should start any supplements like royal jelly to start assisting my egg health. She's back from China this week, so it'll be good to get her input on my cycles and how my pulse feels.

My OBGYN had said after 6 months she'd be happy to retest my levels to see how the TCM was working out. My last test she ran was on Jan. 25, 2014. I started acupuncture on Weds Jan. 29 and herbs the following month on Fri. Feb. 21. My six months from the diagnosing blood draw will be July 25. If no BFP by then, I will request an updated lab. This time, I want it drawn on the appropriate CD3 (cycle day 3.) That is the most accurate day to measure LH and FSH. Since I'd had no period before, we just worked with what we had.

Plodding on. Happy and sad.