We are a Go!

Feb. 11, 2016

Well, we are a go. Full steam ahead. My last monitoring visit was today. My lining is 9.7mm. Not as thick as I anticipated it being, but the doctor seemed pleased. He said it was almost ideal and the pattern was beautiful.

Last night, my husband got home from his business trip and we had the one versus two conversation again. He was leaning more towards two now. When he left it was a one. I feel like there's never a perfect answer. We both decided after chatting way too late about it, to pray, sleep on it and make the call this morning.

We decided that if it was a perfect embryo we will do one. If it degrades, we will do two. I wanted to chat with the doctor for his advice about when we should move on to two.

Traffic was a nightmare and I was a few minutes late, but it didn't seem to matter. The place is always packed, no matter what time I go. Thankfully, I did get a parking spot today. Sometimes I have to park down the street and walk in.

The doctor came in and during my exam we had the chat. I told him ideally we want a singleton pregnancy. It's safer, less stress and better financially. However, we want to be smart and of course will be blessed and happy if we have twins. I told him if we had the perfect lining and the perfect embryo again we'd do one, but are open to two if the embryo isn't great. He said ok and I kind of pushed, "what is your definition of not great." He told me the embryologist would grade them after thawing.

He said we could actually make the call the day of if we wanted to if the embryo was on the verge of good/great. I asked him flat out, your recommendation, when do we move to two. He said if it's "good" do two. The difference between excellent and good is immense when it comes to embryos. So...there we have it.

I got dressed, we met up in the office with a coordinator who wasn't typically mine (she was on vacation) and he put in the chart if it's excellent, thaw one. If good to fair, have them check with him to look at it and he'd make the call to do a second. I'd said right to my husband this morning "I just wish someone could tell us what to do." And, he did. So, poof! Thank you, God.

I LOVED this coordinator today. She is actually in charge of all the nurses there and is fabulous. She was soooooo sweet. We went over my meds, she gave me a few hints to make it less painful and avoid knots of oil in my muscle (massage and heat!) She also asked if I was combining my delestrogen and PIO shots so I could take one instead of two. Um, what? This is a possibility?

She went and snagged a few syringes and needles and showed me. You draw the delestrogen and PIO like normal. Draw air into the PIO so there is a large bubble on top and remove the needle. Take the delestrogen, put the end of the needle into the PIO and squirt it in. Put the needle to inject into the PIO and get the air bubbles out like normal. How did I not think to do this? Genius! She said she'd been trying to train her nurses to do this, but they never want to tell patients thinking they'll screw it up. She told me she'd done IVF herself in her 30s and knows how painful it is so if she can eliminate some of the shots and pain, she was all for it.

She also showed me how to inject the Lovenox and Heparin. Because I am slender, she told me it may be better for me to inject on my thigh. I guess they have a real tendency to bruise and get painful and she said I'd run out of stomach. Fortunately, I've got a lotta thigh ;)

Next, I they drew my blood. The woman wasn't my normal lab tech and she went through both sides of my vein. She couldn't figure out why blood wasn't coming out. Um, pull the needle back a smidge. Bingo. Turns out my estradoil is in a much better range than last time. My coordinator emailed it was ideal. Yay!

This evening, I went to acupuncture. I got along much better with the woman who does it. She did my needles and there were a few sensitive areas today. It's funny how she can insert a needle and I get tinges or little pains in other areas. When she put the one in the middle of my rib cage, but further down my stomach it was like electricity shot through in a cross pattern. Very strange. I really relaxed today. I'm going back Monday night at 6 pm then after my transfer Tuesday.

I'm feeling really good about things. I know it's all in God's hands and I just have to trust. I've a lot of wonderful women praying and sending positive thoughts.

God bless!

Monitoring Visit 2

Feb. 4, 2016

Back to the clinic this morning. I was feeling good going in. I've been making sure to walk everyday to get the blood flowing and my son is big into the Pow Wows in the evening so lots of dancing there. I've also been drinking my POM juice, doing my femoral massage and abdomen massage and even threw in a castor oil pack and steam for good measure.

The good news is...my lining is at a 9! It was at a 9 for my last visit before transfer last time, so to be a week ahead is great news. It also had a beautiful triple stripe pattern. Yahoo! I'm to up my meds per protocol to get it nice and fluffy.

I talked to my doctor a bit about a new study that is out and how women shouldn't lay there after the procedure but get right up. Although the studies show that as best, he said he'd still like me to lay for about 10 minutes. The increase in pregnancy wasn't huge (although when you are dealing with infertility, a 5% risk looks astronomical) because he said sometimes the uterus is contracting from the catheter. My thought is, I can't control everything about this, so I'm just going to trust him. I have so far.

We did chat a bit more about bedrest though and he thinks strict bedrest is counter productive. He just told me to kind of be a couch potato and treat myself right the day of transfer and that I could get back to normal the next day if I wanted or just continue to take it easy. Getting up and walking around a bit was just fine. He said the female body isn't meant to be sedentary and that adequate blood flow is good to ensure proper implantation. I'm glad we were on the same page. Sounds good to me. My issue this go round is the NO STRESS! I had a work implosion last time and really let that stress me out to tears the day of transfer. This time. Nope.

Today I go into my new acupuncturist. We shall see how it goes.

We're still having the one versus two debate. Neither of us know at all. When I spoke to the doctor he told me frankly that he doubts there'd be any issue with my uterus that would prevent the implantation so it'd be issue with the embryo most likely to prevent a success. We're basically betting on the embryos. Do we risk just one again and have a no go and repeat this whole thing? If we transfer both and neither take, his thought is they were both duds and we saved ourselves another unsuccessful transfer? If they are both perfect...we may get twins. We put two in we've 21% chance of twins, but 70% chance of pregnancy. We put one in, we've 50%.  Decisions decisions.

We've just decided to pray about it and how we felt led jump in with two feet. As difficult as times have gotten in the past, I know there's always been a reason and I've never been dealt an issue we haven't faced head on, lived and learned from. If it's twins. It's twins and we'll count ourselves blessed.

A mommy friend who's experienced her own trials with infertility told me go for it. She said I put three in, three implanted, two had a heart beat and at the third appointment only one remained. You never know, so go for it and trust.

I had another woman in a mommy group reach out and offer me some of her unused meds as well. I am constantly surprised and humbled by people's generosity.

We haven't really told many people this time about our transfer. After the last, I just needed to experience this one privately. Well, except for all of you...and my mommy group...and my infertility groups...and... LOL You get the picture. My husband's parents at one time knew we were looking at Feb, but have never asked questions and neither of us have expounded. I just told my step mom and dad a few days ago. Other than that, a few close, close friends.

I'll keep you posted...

God Bless.

Back in the Saddle Again - Day 1

January 29, 2016

Back in the saddle, er, stirrups again. We are a go for transfer numero dos!

Sorry I've been MIA. I honestly needed a break from the whole fertility thing. The holidays were absolutely amazing and I had a really nice time kicking back with family. We hit the ground running when we got back to town and I did some travel for work. I got to go to Sundance for the first time and I loved it! My goal - make it a yearly tradition.

I'd started my birth control early Jan and my last day was the 24th. Which brings me to my baseline ultrasound this morning. I'll be completely 100% honest with you. I've been very lax, almost indifferent heading into this transfer. I know it was from not letting myself get too excited like I did the last time, but today, being there, I started to get optimistic and excited again. It really stemmed from my doctor.

He is just so wonderful. I was sitting in the stirrups for almost an hour. He sent his apologies but he was in a procedure - no biggie. I wouldn't want him rushing mine either. Caught up on Facebook. Because, what else do you do nowadays when you're killing time, right?

When he came in, even though he was running late, he was very patient with me and I never felt rushed. My lining was super thin, like he wanted it to be starting out and I had not a single follicle to be seen, which kind of reassured me this was the right thing to do. After he finished, he told me to get dressed and meet up in the other room.

I had my whole list of questions to go through with him.

#1. After reviewing my chart do you want to revise treatment at all?

No. He was happy with my lining and felt good about the protocol. I did ask if it was possible to do extra PIO everyday instead of endometrin (because it is SOOOO expensive. Think $6-$8 per pill three times a day for your whole first trimester. Ouch.) He said that he felt it absorbed better in the uterus than PIO, but once I was pregnant, he'd consider switching me to just PIO.

He did however suggest I consider Heparin or Lovenox. He said he didn't know if it'd help, but it certainly wouldn't hurt. He thought if there were any issues with implantation or my body rejecting the embryo this may take care of it. Since our embryo last time was such good quality, something to consider. Heparin is cheaper, but you take two shots. The nurse said it also burned more and caused more bruising. Lovenox is quadruple the price but in single vials. (Side note, I posted about the difference in a mom group I am in and someone was kind enough to offer to donate their meds. People truly are AMAZING and generous, especially in the infertility community.)

#2. Are we still looking at the same probabilities for success?

He said 50-60% for one embryo, 70%- a little higher for two embryos and of those about 30% chance of twins. So...doing the math - about a 21% chance of twins if we do two embryos. When I rationalize it this way - we had a 60% chance and were unsuccessful last time - 21% really shouldn't scare me.

#3. Should we monitor progesterone throughout the cycle?

Nope. He said he doubles up on progesterone with PIO and endometrin and there should be adequate amounts. Testing for progesterone is not accurate because of the way it is absorbed.

#4. What were his thoughts on embryo glue.

He basically told me he thought it was a lot of hype. It's essentially a protein mixture that the embryo is put in. He said it was a $500 additional charge and if he thought it would help he'd suggest it, but he didn't think it was worth it or would offer any advantages. I really appreciated his not trying to upsell me and being honest.

#5. His thoughts on endometrial scratching.

He said it was something he typically did after a woman had recurrent unsuccessful IVFs or miscarriages. He said he essentially roughed up the cervix and the theory was my body would go into overdrive repairing itself and building a thicker lining and be more receptive to implantation. He said he felt like it might help and certainly wouldn't hurt. He QUICKLY said, well "It WILL hurt. Very much, but it won't hurt your chances." He said if we were going to do it though, it had to be today. Gulp. How much is it? "Oh, no! I wouldn't charge you. If you want to do it, I can do it right now." Seriously? Not charge me? Sign me up.

So, off I went to undress from the waist down. Again. He said he'd insert the speculum like when you get a pap and insert a little tube so he could get in to where my uterus is. He used this little object, which felt like a daggar to scrape around the lining. And. It. Hurt. BAD. It was a minute of my gripping the table. He felt awful. He did his countdown. Thirty more seconds. Holy hell. I kept trying to consciously tell myself to relax relax relax.

When he was done, he was very apologetic and told me to lay there 5-10 minutes to gather myself and when I was ready come back into the office. After a few minutes I stood up and my legs were shaky as I readied myself.

After that, it was back to the office where I filled out some paperwork, collected my prescription, made my appointment for next week and was told what to price in case I decided to do the Lovenox or Heparin. And, I was on my merry way.

I swung into Walmart with my trusty GoodRX app, which if you don't have, you SHOULD! Way cheaper than some of the fertility pharmacies and picked up my Estrace and Medrol. My wonderful, wonderful friend was so kind to donate her unused meds from her last cycle to me so I have delestrogen, some endometrin and PIO here waiting.

This evening my coordinator called and told me my estrogen was perfect. PERFECT! It was 100 last time, so high, but they attributed it to my being on birth control. This time, coming off birth control it was 5. Just where they want it. Now to build up a nice thick lining. I'm drinking my POM juice and my son and I had a dance party to get my blood moving.

I'm just gearing up for my first shot to the tush of this cycle. All in all, feeling good. Pretty optimistic. Once my period is done, I'll do a few castor oil packs and V-steams. I'm trying out a new acupuncturist next Thursday just down the street from me. My hope is she can do two before transfer and one the day of.

We've been incredibly blessed. Every time I start to panic, I find a blessing. My friend who gave me her meds. The mom in my lovely mom group who donated her meds to me as well. A reader here (you know who you are) who found my fundraiser and donated anonymously to me. A cousin of mine donated money to us, completely shocking me. Ever since he heard what we were doing he'd been putting aside money from every paycheck. It literally brought me to tears.

It's so easy to get overwhelmed, but my life is good. I love my son. I love my husband. I laugh daily. I know, trust and believe that every need we have along the way is provided for. God is in control and he will be in control this cycle as well. The woman taking my blood today told me to relax. When I stress, my liver functions poorly and the cycles aren't as successful. I know that with my head. I will keep reminding my heart.

God Bless!

Less Than a Week Away

Nov. 10, 2015

Well, it's really sneaking up on me! Last Weds I went in for my first ultrasound. I was a bit apprehensive about my lining. Since I'd had my period Thursday - Sunday, I was fearful there wouldn't be anything there. Surprisingly, not only did I have a lining, but it was already to 6.3mm and had a triple stripe. My doctor had told me the ideal for transfer was a bare minimum of 8mm and ideally around 12mm. We shall see tomorrow where I'm at.

My mom actually came with me to my appointment last week. She likes to "put eyes" on what is happening so she has a better idea. I think she enjoyed going with me. She was able to ask questions, see where our transfer would be done... She was also able to give me my shot. She asked the nurse to draw my circles on my butt again so she'd have something to aim for.

My meds were doubled and I was on my way. On my way home I'd scheduled my TCM appointment and I went over my dates with them. They got me into acupuncture and adjusted my herbs from the "bring back menstruation" concoction to the "hold pregnancy" concoction. I have one more appointment scheduled before the big day. They were very firm I should not do an appointment after like many women do as they felt the needles are too powerful disrupting energy channels once an embryo is placed.

That night she was rather horrified at the size of the needle and I'm not quite sure who it was more painful for...her or me to get / receive it. She poked me and asked again, "how far does this go in?" All. The. Way. *gulp* She was very gentle.

I'd done a Yoni steam and castor oil pack last Monday and I can't help but wonder if that is what helped build my lining. Unfortunately, since we've had company non stop I've been unable to repeat it. I have been guzzling my POM juice like a good little girl (POM juice helps build endometrial lining.)

Tomorrow morning I'm back to my fertility doctor to get the final go ahead. I'm praying my lining is nice and fluffy and is a perfect triple stripe. I want to talk to the doctor as well about embryos downgrading in the thaw and at one point we will move from our "transfer one" to "transfer two" stance if that happens.

So much going on!

Well, my company will be gone tonight and my hubby is out of town so I'm on my own for shots. Tonight is just the one, but tomorrow (if all goes according to plan) I'll be starting the progesterone which is the more painful of the two. Fingers and toes crossed I'm as gentle as my husband and mom were.

I'll keep you posted.

God Bless!

FET update

Nov. 1, 2015

I realize my updates are slow going. I feel like this whole process is a whole bunch of hurry up and wait and then a mad dash to get everything situated. The weeks leading up to this were a whole lot of pricing meds and waiting. At the last minute, my coordinator finally put my orders in and my meds arrived THE DAY I started taking them. Way way way too close for my Type A comfort.

Last Thursday was my baseline ultrasound. My friend thankfully agreed to watch our son so we could pay attention at the appointment and not be trying to keep him entertained the entire time. To catch you up to speed, I'd been put on birth control pills with the hopes it'd jump start a period. I was starting to panic when Thrusday arrived (my last pill was Sunday morning) and I hadn't started my period yet. When I arrived I had the tiniest bit of spotting.

The nurse practitioner that did my ultrasound explained how I only had a 1.9mm thickness so perfectly within limits for a baseline measurement. I talked to her about my fear of not having shed lining since last March and would that be bad to start a pregnancy with that old blood hanging around in there. She assured me no. I will say, however, that I was thrilled to start my period hours after I left my appointment.

While she was doing the ultra sound, I got to see my ovaries again. My one, although good size was pretty quiet, no follicles. The other actually had something going on. She didn't know if it was a cyst of follicle but they marked it to monitor. We'll see if it changes by next Weds when I go in again.

After my ultrasound I met with the coordinator. I'll keep things very PC here, but I will admit her and I clash. I'm a pretty easy going person, but she can just be rude and condescending. I finally asked her to please be patient with me. Every question I asked she was annoyed and dismissive. I said we'd never done this before so my questions were new to us.

I wanted to clarify a few things in the contracts. One, our only two options when we were done building our family (all three remain ours until we are done) were to donate them back to the clinic for either destruction or scientific study. I was unsettled with that, but she assured me since they were such great quality, they'd be donated to another couple.

My other issue was they wanted to know now how many we were transferring. I told her I'd like to discuss further with the doctor. We feel like if the embryo thaws great, we will only transfer one. If the embryo thaws and downgrades, we may consider two. We just want to be on the same page as the doctor so he and the embryologist can decide at what point we'd like another embryo thawed.

After all our contracts and releases were signed, she showed us a quick video on how to administer the shots. The needle looked ginormous. I won't lie. She had me drop my pants and put two huge circles on my butt where I should be given the shot.

I also had to sign a release. Apparently, my varicella test showed my immunity was gone. I was a bit surprised because not only did I have chicken pox when I was little, but I showed full immunity when I was pregnant with my son. It was barely under so we decided to sign a release and proceed. To get the vaccination would push our transfer three months because it is a live virus. My feeling is it's a required vax so it isn't as common as it use to be and after researching it, IF I got it, there is only a 2% chance it would affect the baby in anyway. Now, if it was rubella or something, I'd have gotten the booster.

When I got home, we heard back from my blood test. My estrogen was a bit high at 121. They doctor likes to see it under 100, but since I'd just stopped birth control they allowed me to proceed thinking it may be residual estrogen in my system. I was given the go ahead to start my meds.

We struggled a bit with the shot starting out. First, my husband didn't get anything in the needle. Thank GOD we noticed it. The second time he kept pulling bubbles. I tried and did the same. Thankfully our friends who are now pregnant with EA were still up at 10 at night and talked us through it. They told my husband to put three times the meds in the syringe then shoot the excess back into the bottle. That took care of the huge bubbles. For the remaining, we just tapped the needle like suggested. The meds aren't like normal liquids you pull into a syringe. It's in castor oil (later the progesterone is in sesame oil) so it's very thick.

I bent over and my husband geared up to play darts where the nurse had drawn the circle. The initial poke wasn't too bad, but it was a strange sensation feeling him push the needle all the way in. It's 2" long. Not a tiny poke. He slowly injected it like instructed. It wasn't too bad. Very tolerable. I will say however this was only .1 cc. When I start progesterone that is 1 cc so ten times as much. That is the one I hear is very tender, especially doing it nightly.

Well, I am actually gearing up now for a shot. Right now, I'm just on pills, shots and baby aspirin. My meds should double this coming Weds if all is progressing well and then the following week and the progesterone will be added in (shots and vaginal suppositories.)

All in all, I'm feeling very positive and excited. Everything is paid for (well, on my credit card) at this point, so it's nice to have that bit of pressure off us. For now...

My TCM got back from China today. I plan to see if I can stop in for an acupuncture session on Weds after my fertility appointment since they are in a similar area. My mom will also be in town, so I know she'll be coming with me to my appointment. She'll (I'm sure) ask every question I've never even thought of. Ha! I can just imagine my coordinator's frustration now. Makes me giggle.

God bless!

Transfer is Set. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

Oct. 7, 2015

Well, a bit has happened in the last few weeks. By the title, you can surmise we are A GO! Let me back track to get you all up to speed.

Last Thursday my coordinator called and verified the embryos were now in our "guardianship" or belonged to us rather. She emailed me the medical tests that we needed to get to proceed and set up a saline ultrasound and mock transfer for the following Weds (today) where she would give me my protocol and dates. First thing I did was email my doctor requesting labs be ordered so I could get my blood work done with insurance coverage. My coordinator also told me I would need to start taking a monophasic pill so I requested that order be placed through my insurance as well.

On Saturday, my husband and I went in for our labs. He had to get STD testing as well. Basically, those tests are required by the donating party and us to show that we don't have any STDs. If we didn't get the test we could "blame" I guess the embryos for us getting something. I think the clinic requires it more to cover themselves than anything.

I also went to get acupuncture that day and brought my father-in-law who was having some neck issues. I video taped his needles being placed and my son has taken great enjoyment out of watching grandpa get poked. Ha! I also had a session. I was happy that my pulses going in to my session this time were as strong as my pulses leaving my last session, so my body is stronger. Praise God! I need that in the coming months!

I also stocked up on herbs for the next month because my TCM is going to China. I talked over my upcoming November transfer and we decided as soon as he gets back to do weekly appointments. Now that I have my dates, we will schedule three. Two weeks out, one week out and that morning as long as my clinic can get me in a bit later in the morning for transfer.

Fast forward to today. I had a bit of trouble sleeping last night because so many thoughts were racing through my head. I'm crazy emotional. I ended up taking two melatonin and used my essential oils in full force to get some sleep. This morning, my in-laws who were leaving agreed to bring our son to daycare so we could get moving to our 8 am appointment. Somehow with traffic we were still ten minutes late. I called in advance and they didn't seem overly concerned.

We got there and my nerves were in full force. After signing a consent for the saline ultrasound, they led me back to exam room 3 where I disrobed from the waist down. The nurse was rather cranky to say the least. Our doctor walked in, and within one minute flat had the tube inserted. Now, when I signed the consent I saw in bold lettering it'd be good to take ibuprofen or Advil an hour before the procedure. This message was NOT relayed to me. Take my advice, if you aren't opposed to it, take the meds. It hurt! Maybe it's because my cervix is clamped so shut because of POF or what, but they had to jimmy it in there. Yowza!

Once the tube was placed, they pumped saline in so the doctor could look for any polyps or scar tissue that'd prevent proper transfer or implantation. My uterus was given the all clear and he measured where he'd deposit the embryos at transfer. He did show me both ovaries which I am happy to report are still there and still average size. He actually pointed out two potential follicles, which is more than we've ever seen :)

I won't lie, the whole birth control pills don't prevent pregnancy in POF women ran through my head. All I can think is, let that be true. If the extra estrogen does make me pop out an egg, let us time it right. As thrilled as I am with EA, au natural would still be pretty awesome!

After he was done, he told me to put on a pad and take a few extras because I would be leaking for a few hours. Lovely. At least it was just saline (although I have had some light spotting) and told me to get dressed and meet him in the conference room.

He kind of came in, said my uterus looks great and we're on schedule. Soooo.... What is the schedule? At this point, our coordinator came in and said she'd take over. He stood to go and shake my husband's hand and I was like "wait wait wait." Awkward silence. "So, um, based on the embryos, do you have any suggestions for how many we should transfer?" Silence. "Like, percentages? Statistics?" I mean, seriously, are we the only people who ask these things? Shouldn't they be prepared for this?

You know what he told me? "Transfer as many as you want kids."

Gee. Thanks. I tried to explain without sounded completely cheap that we want to maximize our chances while still being reasonable. We prefer a singleton, but prefer twins over none. He asked our coordinator the age of the egg donor and said "60% chance if you transfer one, 80% if you transfer two and about half of those cases are twins. Anything else?" And got up and left.

Sigh.

Once he left our coordinator basically said for me to start my birth control today to hopefully prompt a period. Take my last active pill the 25th, come in on the 29th for a baseline ultrasound and to start my meds. She said at that visit she would show us how to mix the meds properly and give me the shot. Apparently, I will be taking estrogen orally with a shot every three days.

Once I start progesterone, five days before transfer, I start taking progesterone shots daily which she said she needs to teach my husband to do. She said since I am so slim (5'4" 100 lbs) that she wouldn't hold any punches. It would hurt. She said if I had a bit more meat on my bones, there'd be more places to stick it, but the needle is an intramuscular needle and we'd run out of space very quickly. She said I'd be taking that at least through the first trimester and by that point, I'd have no where to sit. BUT, it was a smaaaaaall price to pay for such a large blessing. She has a point.

All I could think was though is my husband travels. I'm going to be doing some crazy gymnastics searching for a spot that isn't black and blue to stick myself when he's gone.

I did try to clarify the donor height and she said he most likely was 5'10" but she double check. We were given a pile of consent forms and told to come back on the 29th. I did ask her for my prescription, but she was very hesitant to give it to me. She said she would order it through their pharmacy. I tried to explain without fertility coverage, I want to price it everywhere and anywhere for the most cost effective place. She said she'd send me the order and I could call the other fertility pharmacies (she listed three or four) to get pricing and I could transfer it if I wanted.  I don't think she understood completely that my intention is to buy EACH one at the cheapest place, but I will fight that battle when I have to. She wants me to order everything at one. My thought is if one clinic has this one cheap and this one has that one cheap, that is my intention.

After that, we were ushered to finances. Youch! $895 for a mock transfer. sigh. My husband I could see was starting to twitch. I'm really trying not to stress about all this money. She said my meds would be about $1500 for the transfer and about $1500 more for the pregnancy. Our transfer with the discount is $2695. Thankfully, our embies are hatched already so we don't have to pay $495 for assisted hatching. Seriously, things are spinning. :(

We left and I was just kind of silent in the car. We talked a bit and I think we are set on transferring one, but I have that nagging feeling what if it doesn't work. I need to put that thought out of my head.

We drove straight to the pharmacy for me to grab my pills and I took the first one. I grimaced at the pack because I'm so anti pill. When I got home I happened to fall upon this article talking about how the pill has been shown to lower AMH and reduce ovary size. For normal women, they bounce back after 6 months to a year, for those with POI or POF, it's fertility suicide. I feel a bit miffed I'm taking the pill that could have in part led to my troubles to save my family. I keep telling myself it's for three weeks. Three weeks.

While we were there we had our medical records printed out to give to our clinic to proceed.

My mind is spinning. Such a long road it's been and now it's all happening at once. For each question that is answered about five more pop up and my coordinator seems so dismissive and short. It's frustrating. I get it's business for them day in day out, but I've never done this.

Looking at our calendar, my parents will be here for one of my appointments, and I've a feeling my mom will LOVE to come and put eyes on everything that is going on. Our transfer is the 16th. My original due date for my son was the 18th and he had a birthday on the 22nd so I could actually test that day and maybe get a result. To test and risk disappointment for his birthday or give him the grandest present...to be determined.

Well, that is my long update on how things are proceeding. I keep telling myself to keep the faith transferring one. My body snagged the embryo last time and I wasn't taking nearly as good care of myself as I am now. I'll be doing castor oil packs and steams up to transfer as well as acupuncture and herbs. My body should be primed to latch on. Right? Right??

God bless!

TCM, Moxa, and Embryos Oh My!

Sept. 28, 2015

I feel like my updates are lagging. I intended to post after my last TCM appointment, but it's been nearly two weeks since I went, so, here goes.

My appointment once again began with a flurry of back and forth between my doctors with me trying to catch random words I've picked up over the last year and a half. I had two sets of hands checking my pulses and the general consensus was it was better than the previous week. My kidney channel was still weaker than they liked. So, off to the acupuncture table.

This time, they decided to really pull out all the stops and do Moxa. Now, they told me it was sage, but as I read up on it when I got home, traditionally Moxa is done with mugwort. I'll clarify next time. Sometimes the language barrier loses a bit in translation. You can learn more about Moxa here. The basic 411 is it brings warmth to my lady bits and mugwort (if that is what they used) is great for the uterus. A lot of TCM's use it for a stagnant or "cold" uterus and considering it's been almost seven months since my last period...it's rather stagnant.

There are different ways of doing it apparently, but they had a little contraption that looked like a little house with a chimney. The moxa stick went through the chimney, and it had elastic around it to tighten it to my body. There was a little screen on the bottom, lying on my stomach to catch any ash that fell. She still put needles in all the other spots that she traditionally did it in.

After about a half hour she came in and removed the moxa and applied needles where it was and turned on the heat lamp to ensure my abdomen was still being warmed. Afterwards, she told me to drink a lot of water as it had a detoxifying effect.

Since then, I've been strict with my supplements, my essential oils and castor oil packs. I did get my second batch of Yoni Steam in the mail so I've been using that as well.

I did get an update from my clinic with the embryo adoption. I'd contacted a few attorneys that agreed a contract was out of the question without a second party and that I would need a letter of release. If the clinic did not have one or would not draft one, I could hire them to do so. I sent all that info to my coordinator who then asked for examples. I found four clinics online that posted their contracts and sent it.

A lot of the verbiage had to do with FET or IVF in general so I said I thought most would be covered in their contracts, and suggested they use a similar letter of remittance the donors use and change the language for a recipient. They contacted their legal team and all of this was approved. So, thankfully, we don't need an attorney.

I spoke with my coordinator today who said the clinic is transferring ownership to us and as soon as that is updated in their computer, we can proceed. I'm waiting on her to order medical testing so I can contact my doctor to put in the order. After that, we need to establish our timeline with the doctor for transfer. Her estimate is November transfer and we should know if we are pregnant by or during December.

I'm hoping some of my meds are covered by my insurance. There appear to be nine medications that are traditionally used for FET. Doctors usually choose a few that they are most comfortable with. All, seem to be used for HRT for POF, so I'm hoping with my pre-existing condition that some are covered. If not, I applied for a discount pharmacy card at this site http://www.npsncard.com/

You know I'll be calling every pharmacy in town and checking every price online for the best deal ;)

I've been a bit overly emotional the last few days. I think everything has kind of hit me. I know November isn't far off, but I just want to move on with our lives. I feel like we've been suspended for over two years now and I keep catching myself in "woe is me moments" and shaking them off.

We are SO blessed. This has really taught me to slow down and treasure every second with my son, my husband, family, friends... And, to not take a second of my health for granted. I know a year from now I'll be reading back over this with a baby in my arms and all these moments of doubt and grief will seem insignificant.

My in-laws are coming to town this week so my husband and myself can sneak away for two nights together. It'll be really nice to reconnect and have adult conversation away from work, stress and "infertility" junk. I don't think people outside our "community" quite grasp how draining that is. For the most part, we are really balanced and I think handling it really well, but it does take a toll.

Before we head out I'll head to acupuncture on Saturday. Once we have a for sure transfer date, I'll begin weekly sessions with them to prime the pump so to speak.

God Bless.

EA kinks

Sept. 16, 2015

Well, we have a few communication glitches in the embryo adoption world. Nothing major. The highlights were this. The embryos were NOT tested. Bummer, but ok. Our donors want complete anonymity, but were also refusing to give any medical background.

This really bummed me out and I've appealed to them through our coordinator to change that. I know they want to be anonymous, but I know nothing from a medical record if I don't have the person to apply it to. There is no context. My feeling is, every doctor's appointment I've ever gone to they ask me my and my family's medical history. I want to be the best advocate for our future child or children and I can't do that with no information about them.

I used the example of my POF and HRT with my coordinator. HRT is recommended, but after knowing my grandma and two aunts have all had breast cancer, even my doctors agreed treating in a different method made the most sense. I also used the example of my hemochromatosis. Not knowing I had that, if I would have taken prenatal pills with iron I may have harmed myself and potentially the baby. I think my coordinator understood my hesitation and has said she'd discuss it further with the donor. I told her I could care less about the physical descriptions, but a basic medical history, I felt, was imperative.

We did get some info on the egg donor they had used, so I was glad they released some of that, but again, no family medical history was disclosed.

The other issue we are dealing with now is the clinic still wants a contract, but the donor has already remitted the embryos to them, so we have no one to form a contract with. I've spoken with an attorney and they've advised me the clinic can issue us a standard release and a donation contract not only is not needed, but not possible without the second party. We shall see how the clinic responds.

I did ask them if the other couple that is receiving any of the embryos would like to have any further contract should both of us have children from the group. I think it'd be a nice option for the kids to meet on down the line.

So, we are basically, once again in a holding pattern. Waiting to be advised on legal clearance. Waiting if we can appeal for further medical history. Waiting to be told what medical tests I need to take. My coordinator guessed a November cycle. Honestly, I know the clearance, even if drafted by a lawyer can be done in an hour and my medical test results are done within 24-48 hrs, so I think this could all move much faster than anticipated. She said the other couple needed to cycle first...why, I don't know. I feel like if four embryos are assigned to them, three to us, we shouldn't be tied with each other as far as cycling goes.

Each embryo is in it's own straw so she said we could transfer 1, 2 or 3 depending on how they thaw. I said flat out no more than two.

Other than that, I'm going to try and sneak away to acupuncture tomorrow since we have a birthday party on Saturday. Hopefully things are improving. I'm still getting constant positives on my OPKs and HPTs which is frustrating and makes me feel things are still a bit awry.

I also opened a Bravelets page. Basically, it's jewelry to offer inspiration. We get $10 from each purchase for our medical bills. I love the story behind the page. If you want to buy anything to offer support to us, yourself or other families embarking on the adoption journey or needing help and inspiration through other trials, tribulations or health crises, it's a wonderful program.

You can check it out HERE and click the fundraise link at the top to open your own page to help offset expenses.

I'll keep you posted as things unfold.

God Bless!

EA Progress

Sept 8, 2015

Well, progress on the EA front! Our coordinator emailed Friday afternoon and said we are a go and she'd be contacting me this week. It's only Tuesday night and I'm trying very hard not to be too antsy and stalk her. I think out of self respect I'll wait...until at least tomorrow ;)

I did start getting a few quotes from different attorneys to draw up contracts for us. It ranges. Not a cheap process for sure. Someone did give me info for theirs which charges $500 to draw it up, but we'd have to cover the donor's as well. Most of them are in the $1000 range, although I got a quote from one attorney for $1000 flat covering ours and the donors attorney fees as well. I got a good feel from her. Maybe she's playing into my sentimentality but her closing words were "That's really exciting that you have the opportunity to adopt embryos. I think they are such special little babies waiting to get adopted." Sniff. She may be the winner for us.

I did head back to TCM on Saturday. More of the same. A lot of conversing in Chinese and furrowing of their brows that left me looking like I was watching a ping pong match, back and forth, back and forth trying to keep up with them. The consensus, no surprise, was I was still weak and need to continue daily herbs. However, the good news was I was doing better than last time. My pulses weren't horrendous, but my kidney channel (reproduction lies there) needs to be stronger.

I mosied into the acupuncture room and climbed up. Again, we started with the back. Face down I went and she poked me all around the lower back trying to get my organs working. About 35 minutes later, flip!

She did the usual spots, but did a few more on the top of my head, one on my chin (a new one!) and a few more on the leg and abdomen. About a half hour into it she came in and removed almost all of them except the abdomen and finger ones trying to center all my energy on my lady bits.

After my session, I was nice a strong. My kidney channel weaker than the others, but overall, they were happy. If only I could do it daily, maybe I'd always be strong. We went over the dates they'll be in China. She will be gone starting in two weeks, but he won't leave until Oct. 15- Nov. 1. Leading up to transfer they want me in weekly sessions to prepare my body. I was feeling a bit anxious if transfer will be after their gone, but worrying is useless. Nothing I can do to change it. Just have to trust HIS plan (big guy upstairs.)

I've run out of my Yoni steam so I'll be ordering another batch. I feel like the steam and following it with the castor oil packs has been good for me. I'll continue to do that up to transfer. In the mean time, we're still trying au natural.

Well, I should get some sleep. I just wanted to update you all on the good news with the EA moving forward. I'll let you know more details as I get them.

God Bless!

TCM, Acupuncture and EA

Aug. 22, 2015

I had an update from my coordinator the other day for EA. Not a huge update, but she reiterated the embryos were still ours and she was just waiting on the donors to say how anonymous they wanted to be. At my prodding she said we could be cycling in October. I'm not sure how accurate that is because we have a lot of steps in the mean time, but at least I'm on her radar.

I did have my TCM appointment. My pulses weren't quite as bad as I expected them to be, especially having been sick the week prior. They said they were a little hard to find, but once they found them, not awful. They were of course WAY better AFTER my acupuncture session.

She did the double whammy on me again this time. The back and the front. I have a feeling they really, really want to see some progress with me. They also told me I need to make sure to do my herbs twice a day, I need to gain a bit of weight and increase my activity. That makes sense. I know on my "work" days I sit behind a computer for ten hours basically, so I need to take a few breaks. Even if that means sprinting up and down the stairs a few times. I need to increase circulation. Blood pumping does a body, and a reproductive system good.

I took another test and of course that same faint line was there. Drat you line! I always wanted to see a line when I was TTC before, but now I want none or a big fat bold dark pink line! Since I felt like I was in the all clear I took my laptop into the bathroom for another V-steam while my son was at school. This time was a bit more relaxing, even with my work deadlines.

After my steam, I did my castor oil pack for an hour. I plan to do this little combo weekly until a positive or a transfer is lined up. Other than that, I'm feeling ok. I had started getting horrid night sweats when I was sick, but I'm happy to report they are gone since I've gotten better :) Whew! I'll keep slathering up in my oils and taking my supplements.

Life is good though otherwise. We had a wonderful family day at a local family sports and health event. We plant to grill out, have a drink (hey, one good thing about not being preggo, right??) and enjoy the evening.

Keep the faith and God bless!

Happy 4th of July, TCM update

July 4, 2015,

Happy Fourth of July!!!

Well, feverishly packing to get ready for our lengthy trip to visit my family. My son has been counting down the days to visit and I'm excited too. I had a last TCM appointment yesterday and left a bit deflated. My pulses were bad which I anticipated from lack of sleep.

They kind of sat me down for a heart to heart and said I absolutely must go back to daily herbs. I'd switched to every other day to save money and they weren't cutting it. They know my financial concerns and suggested I stop the acupuncture. When I reminded them I could be doing a FET in a few months there was a lot of back and forth quick talking in Chinese that I struggled to make out by facial expression.

Basically, they wanted me to start coming every week for new herbs and acupuncture. I'm leaving for MI though, so it was decided they'd do a super charged acupuncture session yesterday and give me a month of herbs. When I get back, they'd do weekly acupuncture to get my womb ready for transfer. They cut me a break too...half price acupuncture sessions. Thank you, God! I swear if I could get on an insurance plan that accepts acupuncture and chiropractic care, Heaven would really be smiling down on me.

For acupuncture, they did a two fold session. Normally, I just lie on my back and get the fertility acupuncture going, but yesterday, they had me start on my stomach. She put the needles on my back to really get my kidneys and kidney channel working. After a half hour she had me flip. The needles were a slightly different configuration and concentrated on pulling the menstruation energies down. She also did them straight up my scalp to the top of my head to increase Qi.

Afterwards I chatted with them a bit about my situation. Basically they said Qi is like a river behind a damn. When it breaks, it should flow quickly, freely and strongly downstream. Mine was trickling. "Soooo...basically, I'm so intuitive I'm like my environment, right?" He looked at my quizzically. "I'm in a drought. I need rainfall." For some reason, he thought that was hysterical. "Yes yes yes. Drought. You're in a drought."

Well, I was sent away and instructed to relax relax relax which is kind of MY mantra they've prescribed me. I also have a boat load of herbs to drink up. It's sad, but they don't even taste bad to me anymore. Never in a million years would I have believed them it was an acquired taste, but I drink it the same as someone would drink coffee in the morning.

I halfheartedly said maybe my body will cooperated and fall into line before our transfer and he said "I wish." Sometimes sensitivity is lost in translation, so I will interpret that as "That is my wish as well" and remove all the negative connotation I placed on it.

They insisted I give my mom a hug and discussed some health issues she was having. I had to chuckle. He said she should avoid surgery and get acupuncture, that they might help, but not as well as he would, "of course." I appreciate his confidence in himself ;)

Well, off to pack my bags. I'm really looking forward to our trip. It's the longest we've gone back, ever. Three and a half weeks. I'm not sure what will happen with our embryo adoption journey and when we'll be able to head back again, so I want Reed to get a good healthy dose of family. TV filming should be picking up right as we get back, so I won't miss but a week or two of auditions, and fortunately I can carry my "day job" with me anyway. With my husband traveling five days a week, some good family time is just what the doctor has ordered.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July! Much love.

God Bless.

Yoni Steam or "V Steam"

July 1, 2015

Well, it's been a while since I posted because I really had no new info. I spotted for a good 11 days which I'm starting to think is my "period." I spotted 10 days last time and both occurred at 45 day intervals. My gut tells me I'm just not building up enough endometrial lining to have a proper "bleed."

I know many of you will think I'm just plain batty, but hear me out. A while back in a mommy group someone posted a link of Gwyneth Paltrow and how they thought she was off her rocker for getting a V-steam. (Exactly what it sounds like folks, a vagina steam.) There was one girl who'd tried it...more about her later. As I looked more into it...it made sense to me. Maybe it's because of all the TCM, acupuncture and Eastern medicine alternatives I've been living in accordance to, but encouraging adequate blood flow down there is integral to reproductive health.

I saw the post, saw the horrified reaction to it and kind of forgot about it. Fast forward a few months. I was at a birthday party and a fellow mom asked me how my infertility issues were going. She had seen my post during National Infertility Week and messaged me privately about having to grab a cup of coffee...we needed to talk. I told her, kind of same old same old. Well, listen to this, she said.

She had been trying for several years to conceive her son. Her doctor finally ran labs on her and her FSH came back at 33. For all us POF ladies, we know what that means. POI / POF diagnosis was imminent. She scheduled a consult with a fertility doctor, but there was a three month wait so she continued her acupuncture and TCM and heard about this crazy thing called a Yoni Steam. She decided to give it a whirl...couldn't hurt. So, she went to a little spa in Korea Town and had a vagina steam. Low and behold, she conceived that cycle. Two years go by and she is trying for number two. Knows it's near impossible but thought, eh, I'll have it done again, see if it works. Has it done, and PRESTO! Now, that can be purely coincidental I know, but she told me as crazy as it sounds, seriously just try it.

So, I thought back to that thread on Facebook, searched it, found the girl who'd tried it and messaged her. She looked back through her emails to when she tried it and found out it was the month before she'd conceived her son. She says she has no clue if THAT is what did it, but the timing was uncanny.

I talked to my husband about it, expecting he'd be horrified and in stride he just said, "Do it. It can't hurt." And, he's right. I priced out two spas that do it in town and prices range from $60-$90 for a V-steam. The gal on Facebook did it herself so I started looking into that. I was worried where I'd get the proper herbs, until I ran across the site Vibrant Souls. This site not only had amazing info on the Yoni Steam (more pleasant and anatomically correct than V-steam) but also had the herbs for sale and very reasonably priced.

For $15 you get three steams and if you sign up for their monthly membership it has free shipping and their guided meditation. My friend who did it at home said she paid $5 for the herbs in store, so the price was identical, but Vibrant Souls uses all organic certified herbs in the amounts that are correct. I figure why not.

I contacted the owner and asked if I could get a sample to review for you and she's popping it in the mail. I'm really hoping I love it and I plan to sign up for the monthly membership. I figure one acupuncture session is $40 and I go twice a month. If a Yoni Steam promotes blood flow and health down there, that's a fraction of the cost to steam three times a month. Whether it miraculously causes a spontaneous pregnancy, or just prepares my womb to carry for our embryo adoption, it's a win win.

As soon as it arrives and I'm able to give it a try, I will definitely let you know how it goes and what I think. I'm really excited to try it. I've tried all other holistic routes and after seeing how beneficial they've all been, I can't help but think, as crazy as it sounds to someone not rooted in holistic treatment, that I see the vast possibilities in it.

I'll write more about it and how it benefits when I post my review.

In other news, I'm off to the chiropractor in a few minutes to get cracked before boarding a plane for a nice lengthy vacation with my son. I'm trying to fit in TCM on Friday before I go as well. I know I should probably have a nice acupuncture session and get stocked on herbs.

EA is still on stand still. I knew we wouldn't hear anything until August, but I catch myself getting nervous and excited. I started an online course in epigenetics. It's way way way above my head because it talks about all the DNA coding and how and why it varies. My interest is more in the EA aspects of how epigenetics would apply to embryo adoption and the mother carrying the baby. I was told by the instructor later lectures would be more applicable, but it was important to know the science behind it.

I feel like I'm in a Charlie Brown world with the teacher going "wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa." Thankfully, I'm doing it for knowledge, not accreditation. I can kind of pick and chose what I pay attention to. There is also a great documentary on it on youtube. Although that one covers the science of it in the beginning, it is in layman's terms ;) They get more into the EA aspects toward the end.

In a nut shell. Everyone has genetic coding, but there are things that "turn off" certain genes and "turn" others on. Although an embryo may have coding for blue eyes, they could be light or dark depending on what "turns" on that gene. So, a genetic sibling to a baby I carry may have light blue eyes and my baby have dark blue eyes because that is what I have. Same with hair, personality traits, medical issues. All very fascinating.

They are finding that for people outside EA, it is incredibly applicable that how your great grandmother ate may affect your medical issues now. Something I thought interesting in terms of POF. I personally feel that as generations from us are born we will see some adverse effects from the toxins in our environment, food and medicines. I'm excited more research in the field is being done. Diseases like Alzheimers and Diabetees they are finding may be fueled by epigenetic factors.

Any who, I went off on a nerd tangent.

As always, keep the Faith and God Bless!

·         Tap

Back to TCM

May 14, 2015

Well, today was back to TCM. My female half of the dynamic duo was back from China, and sadly, rather depressed. I think the full gravity of her father's passing has really hit her. She teared up several times during our session.

My pulses I gather were a bit weak today. She knew right off the bat I was dealing with some emotional things. They diagnosed it as depression. I know what that means for them. Stress, emotions, etc. They told me to "relax relax relax." That seems to be the motto that surrounds me whenever I visit. She did say my tongue looked good, so I guess my body overall is doing better.

I talked to them about my osteopenia diagnosis, low estrogen and trouble sleeping and asked them to brew help for all of the above into my magical herb concoction. My male TCM explained to me that they are really trying to fortify my kidney channel which would help all of the above. The kidney channel controls the ovaries, which control the estrogen, which controls the calcium in my bones. And all of the above help sleep.

Give me an extra dose of that, please.

During my acupuncture they put on a new music mix, which, apparently was suppose to be calming and therapeutic and it could not have been further from it. It was like a combo of Chinese music and an Irish jig. I laid there eyes wide open trying to stop my feet from doing the Riverdance on the table. When she came in to adjust my needles I tried to ask her to change it, but she didn't understand me and left. Ah well. I did mention to him when I was done that I prefer the other music. This one just made me want to dance.

I'm back tracking here to my chiropractor appointment this last Monday. I told him also about the osteopenia and he said he was glad I told him but was concerned if they were putting me on any medications. I told him no that I wanted to treat holistically, bracing myself for any backlash and he gave me the thumbs up and said "good for you. That stuff is nasty. Like, really bad for you."

I've been exploring how to raise my estrogen again. I've been doing more research on phytoestrogens. Although I'm still avoiding soy because it can wreak havoc on normal hormonal function, I'm trying to introduce a few phytoestrogens to see if a higher "estrogen" level in my body can help prevent osteoperosis and consequently lower my FSH enough to let me body take over hormone production.

Some of the phytoestrogen I've been using I believe has helped improve my estradiol levels. In my opinion, the shatavari root helps as well as some of the essential ols.

I feel like this is all a wait and see thing. Some will work. Some won't. And, it's important to remember that everybody's body chemistry is different so what works for me may not work for you.

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday and it feels a little bitter sweet to me. All the hub bub about fertility declining after 35 and throw on top of it I'm technically already post menopausal and it makes me feel like it's a lost cause...and then I regroup and say "Screw it. I reject the stupid diagnosis."

I guess what it all comes down to is faith. I was talking to my friend the other night (who just adopted the embryos) and she was asking me about our plans. I told her I just didn't know. I've been praying so hard for a clear definite sign and I've felt like my faith was lacking I hadn't gotten it yet. I said I was in awe, and a bit jealous how her signs were, quite literally, undeniable.

She said something that was so reassuring to me. She said sometimes you just need to start moving ahead and that your feelings are the best indication of God speaking in your life. If we start training for fost adopt and we get that feeling in our gut it isn't right, it isn't. Or if we start the adoption process with embryos and have that sinking feeling, it isn't right. If we start either and we feel excited...Bingo.

I told her my fear pursuing anything right now is that I've put so much faith in God that I will be healed or miraculously get pregnant, that I feel like I'm saying I've lost my faith if I pursue either option. She made me feel better about it not admitting defeat or losing faith. She made a good point that we could go ahead with either and still conceive. It will never be an "end of the road" situation.

I do feel that we've a lot of wonderful options and I'm excited and really scared to explore them. I know and trust our child will find his or her way into our family. Perhaps God had bigger plans than I intended and I need to graciously accept the journey. And, by that, I mean all the things I've learned about valuing my son even more, my relationship with my husband and family, living every day as healthy as I can, as full as I can and finding a closer relationship to God.

I suppose I've rambled long enough.

God Bless!

Heart Fire, Healing and Health

April 25, 2015

Well, my labs are rolling in and so far no surprises. The things I knew were high, iron and FSH, are high. The thing I knew was low, estrogen, is low. There are a few on the cusp or too high or too low, but most are smack dab in the middle. My vitamin D is on the low end of normal so I think she'll suggest a higher dose.

It was back to my TCM today for acupuncture and a reload of herbs. I brought up the osteopenia and he said he'd add some herbs for that, but it all ties into my kidney channel. The kidney channel controls bone, which is what also controls reproduction. Makes sense. It controls ovaries which control estradiol production which controls how bones absorb calcium.

He also said after looking at my tongue, that the tip was red which meant heart fire. He asked if I'd been emotional. Why yes, yes I have. He also asked if I'd had a bit of dizziness of nausea. Why yes, yes I have. I'd actually written about it a week or so ago wondering if it was one of the oils I was using.

He said it's called heart fire because ancient Chinese thought he heart controlled emotion, much like we did too. When you're sad, you are heartbroken. Same thing. It has nothing to do the with heart organ itself, but the emotions. He said he'd add some things to my herbs to calm my emotions.

When he did the acupuncture, he explained to me the fire spots that go from the tip of your middle finger to the inner arm near the elbow. They are the line of fire. The tip of your finger is wood, in the palm is fire, on the wrist is earth, near it metal and up your warm water. He put needles in the earth (ash) and water position to poor water on my emotions and depression so there was ash. Basically, to get rid of it. Pretty cool.

As long as I'm paying for this, I'm having him take care of everything. I was a bit like a porcupine today with 44 needles ranging from fertility, to depression to carpal tunnel. Those carpal tunnel ones are killers. They send shock waves up your whole hand right up your finger. I have to say I despise those ones, but I haven't been having pain anymore so I trust they are working.

He also explained to me that when my other doctor returns from China next week that her needles where too high on my abdomen. They should be one inch above my pubic bone. Apparently she was too shy to pull my pants down far enough.

When they both feel I'm ready they will do the "pregnancy hold" acupuncture which is apparently just five needles. One in the stomach, two on the calves (I think that's where he pointed) and two in the ankle. He said right now they are busy increasing energy all over, but when I'm strong enough, that will really zero in on that one area and it is powerful.

Honestly, I find TCM fascinating. It really is incredible how the whole body ties into itself. It seems rather obvious, but when you think how one small things sets off a chain reaction. Amazing.

He did ask how my temp was and I had to admit I haven't been temping. He said a mental break was good for my emotional well being, but I get the sense he'd like me to start again at some point. I will. For now, the break is good.

As I write this I'm busy doing my oil pulling. Not as bad as when I first started. I do need to start with my castor oil packs again at some point. It's really quite relaxing, I just need to get into my rythym. My husband has been traveling and between working full time, taking care of my son and keeping things moving on the acting front, I just haven't had the time. I need to change that.

My mother in law called the other day saying her sister, a nurse on a maternity ward, tracked down an OBYN at a conference who knew about POF. This doctor was adamant that the first thing I should have been tested for was celiac. That they are finding major ties between it and POF and infertility in general. I emailed my OB, who I think took a bit of offense because she instructed me to contact my regular doctor very curtly. I figure they've been testing me for everything else, one more test can't hurt.

It's not surprising really. The wheat in this country is appalling. It's nothing like the ancient wheat our ancestors use to eat. It's even harvested too early (for higher profit) making the chemical make up completely different. Makes me shudder, our food industry.

I know a lot of blood tests for celiac come up false negative and the biopsy is the only way to tell, but regardless my result (if they allow it) I may give it up for a while to see how it impacts me. A lot of women in the infertility forum have had tremendous improvement once kicking gluten. Makes me wonder...

I'm attending an essential oil event. I also want a new Zyto scan. Remember, my last one said heart (emotional) health was impaired and inner child (emotional conflict from past.) I'm curious in light on what my TCM said, what it is now.

I've also really delved back into the word. There was a passage in Nerida's book (who you know I love) that said to stop saying you have the condition you have. Your tongue is a powerful sword and what you say is, IS. So, I've been talking to my body every morning and every night. "Body, you work perfectly. Body, you are healed. Ovaries, you have plentiful eggs that are growing. Body, you hormones are the correct levels. Body, you are in line with what God said, that you should be fruitful and multiply." May sound silly, but I believe the spoken word and the mind are powerful.

God Bless.

Acu update and Embryo Adoption 101

April 9, 2015

Back to my TCM today. My pulses were good. Like, good. Not, meh, good for me, but normal. My left side was a tad weaker, but after my acupuncture session he said it was nice and strong. I told him about my no herbs theory and he wasn't too keen on it. He said, if I had to choose between one or the other to do herbs. I reminded him how he said I always responded so well to acupuncture and he said yes, but that is a temporary fix, herbs build long term strength in my body. Read between the lines...a lifetime of taking them. Sigh. I did manage to get a discount on the herbs. $10 off, but hey, $10 off.

I'm toying with the idea of asking for a month long herb concoction (remember, I only do every other day so that's only a two week prescription) and just getting acupuncture when I go for a refill once a month. I really have to sit with this though because up until now, my uterus and ovaries have not only done well, but great. They are normal size and I can't help but credit adequate blood flow as part of the reason. So many woman with POF don't even have ovaries anymore. They can shrivel up like raisins. This, I want to avoid. My ultimate goal (of course is to get a nice plum egg out of them) but long term, to keep them healthy and producing hormone on their own.

It's funny. In the midst of all my moving forward on EA, I find I'm growing more and more certain of my own body being able to ovulate, conceive and carry. I really feel the Lord at work. My body has grown so much stronger just over the course of these past few weeks.

I also tried out a gym, and I have to say, I love it. I went two nights after I read my son stories for bedtime. I did a Zumba class and a pilates class. It was fun to meet up with my friend. It was a nice adult time out with a friend, which I think is so important and has been lacking in my life, but also great for my body. I really can't help but wonder if my problems are exacerbated by the fact, I'm not getting my heart pumping as much any more. Yes, I walk, chase my son, do little things here and there, but before he was born I worked out everyday for an hour. Usually hikes, brisk walks or some sort of dance type aerobics.

If I can get the blood pumping and work on more strength training, I think that will only be beneficial, not only to long term health but getting blood to my reproductive organs. It's an added expense every month, but I'm starting to feel a legitimate one that I need. Both physically, and emotionally. I get so stressed, so so stressed, and I find just working out really helps. I know that. I've always known that, but I know think the membership fee is well worth it. And, like I said, a bit of adult time with friends a few nights a week...so worth it. They've a kid's program there as well for $10 a month. Basically, it includes care for my son for two hours every day. Even if I just used that a few times a month, well worth the $10.

My sister-in-law text me with a bunch of questions about embryo adoption and I said I'd email her all about it, but I figured why not put it here. I'm sure a lot of people have questions. Here goes, my embryo adoption 101.

The term embryo adoption is a bit of a misnomer as it isn't a "technical adoption." To adopt, would mean it's a "life" and without getting into all the logistics and politics of it, some people are uncomfortable viewing it that way.

Aside from some double donor programs (there is a donor egg and donor sperm - one with extremely high success rates if you go this route is California Conceptions with a price tag of about $12,000 for three cycles, but most people qualify for a full refund if all three are unsuccessful) the embryos are not "created" for the people adopting or receiving the donor embryos. Most are left over from IVF cycles. Left over? Well, when people go through IVF there are normally some left over embryos. Example, a woman has 15 eggs retrieved. Maybe 13 fertilize. By day 3, perhaps 10 remain growing and there are 8 left by day 5. Most women have 1 or 2 embryos implanted. That means she would have 6 or 7 remaining. These are frozen.

If a couple decides they are done having children they have options. Leave the embryos on ice (which can get extremely expensive paying $700 or so a year to keep them frozen), donate them to science, destroy them or donate them. For many people, having strived for so long with fertility issues of their own, they can't fathom destroying their embryos so decide to bless a couple who cannot conceive with these potential little blessings.

There are several ways to pursue embryo adoption. One, you can hire an agency. This is most like a normal adoption. Potential donors can pick you as the adoptee. You must complete a home study as in traditional adoption. This is the most expensive route. Many agencies charge fees up to $8000 and when you add in home studies, legal documents, shipping and the fees for the FET (frozen embryo transfer) and medications, it ends up being the same price as many traditional adoptions. The bummer is, the federal tax credit does not apply in this case as it's not considered a true adoption.

Another method of pursuing embryo adoption is a private match. There are various websites out there where you an advertise you are looking and like above, a donating family can find you. Some of these too require home studies. You can also advertise in various forums and groups (I'm on one on Facebook) for potential matches. With this you would hire an attorney to do the legal paperwork, arrange for shipping of the embryos and do the transfer at the clinic of your choosing, or travel to the clinic the embryos are at. Some clinics however charge coordinating or administrative fees for using outside donors. One clinic, the one I met with charges more for the coordinating fee than the FET itself.

The last method of embryo adoption is more aptly coined embryo donation program. It is within the clinic itself. As people's storage comes due and they don't want to keep paying, they release the embryos to the clinic. Most are anonymous donations and go to the next person in line. Some people receiving embryos have certain criteria (a certain minority for example that they want.) Some donors I'm sure have criteria as well. I've seen some want certain religions for example.

The adopting couples do know some information about the donors. If open, you can get to know the couple as much as you want. Semi-open there is usually some degree of communication as well. For closed anonymous donation type scenarios, there is usually a stat sheet with the physical description, ethnic background and medical background of the donating couple as well as most times an embryology report that lists if there was genetic testing and the amount and grades of each of the embryos. The grading scale is too complex for me to go in here, but here's a website that breaks it down in case you want to learn more.

Here is a link to Day 3 grading. And, here is a link to Day 5 grading.

Some clinics prefer day 3, some day 5. It really depends on the clinic you choose and the health of the embryos. I briefly asked at the clinic I went to, and they said sometimes they prefer day 3 if the embryo is advanced and ready to break out of the shell. In that case, they transfer earlier to avoid it arresting before day 5. I've heard other people say their clinics wait through day 5 once it officially is a blastolyst because they think the more advanced it is in development, the stronger it is and it increases the likelihood of attaching and developing properly. The argument for day 5 is, you never know if a day 3 embryo will arrest by day 5 once in you. The flip side is, do they arrest because they aren't in the environment to grow. It all comes down to how much you trust your doctor to advise you.

Most times, assisted hatching is used before transfer. This is to ensure the embryo is able to break out of it's shell. I've read that freezing an embryo before it hatches can thicken the shell which is why a lot of clinics suggest using this technology. Other clinics ensure they are hatched before freezing thinking it optimizes the chances of a successful live birth after transfer. Again, find a doctor you can trust. The assisted hatching is a small laser cut in the shell. It's brief and precise and does not harm the embryo.

All off the above can be open, semi-open or closed adoptions. It is illegal to buy an embryo or request money for one. It IS legal to ask that the adopting family pay your legal fees, storage or transportation of the embryo. If anyone EVER asks you for money for their embryo report them.

Traditionally, EA IVF is cheaper than normal IVF. I say traditionally because if you go through an agency, you could end up paying more in fees. The procedure itself however is much cheaper. The reason is you are just doing a frozen embryo transfer. You do not have to stimulate the ovaries or have eggs retrieved and it requires far less monitoring. You are just doing the last step of what would be involved in the IVF cycle which is putting the embryo in.

There is however more prep with medications to prepare your body for transfer from what I understand because you are creating the environment to be ready for transfer which does require weekly monitoring to ensure your endometrial lining is the correct thickness. IVF cycles average about $12,400 according to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. This fee does not include medications and there may be additional cost with ultra sounds, mock transfers and freezing and storing left over embryos.

A FET cycle seems to range between $3000-$5000. It's important to realize that this, as well as with IVF, does not always include everything like assisted hatching, mock transfers, consults, refreezing and it does not include any medications which can range from $1000-$3000 depending on what you need. Something else to keep in mind are the legal documents (some require you hire an attorney, some anonymous donations just require a notarized document saying you are accepting them.) Some clinics require FDA testing on the embryos, some don't unless it's donor egg or sperm. Some clinics don't include ultra sounds or pregnancy testing.

Ask a lot of questions regarding every kind of possible fee or out of pocket cost. If we do an EA through our clinic, procedures I anticipate will cost around $4200 with medications a few thousand on top of that. FDA testing would be anywhere between $400-$1000 from what I hear (if it hasn't been done) and depending on the situation if I have to hire a lawyer, or just do a notarized transfer, legal bills. For me, I'd also have to do a round of testing ahead of time, as you would with a traditional IVF of STD testing and thyroid functions to ensure the meds will be ok. This, I can have ordered through insurance, so the cost won't be as high as through a clinic. Still much cheaper than DE IVF (with a price tag between $20,000-$40,000) and traditional adoption around $25,000.

Is your head spinning yet? Mine sure was. There are a lot of great websites out there to learn more and answer your questions. If you ever consider it, please message me. I will add you to an outstanding support group to learn more on Facebook. I feel like I've learned far more through women's personal experiences than trying to navigate this alone.

As always, God Bless. Stay strong. Have faith. Always.

CD3 Results

March 26, 2015

Well, my results for my FSH and estradiol are in. Drum. Roll. Please.

Meh, forget it. It was more of a trip over a drum set, crash, scenario.

Well, my FSH actually went up a bit from 48 to 55.7. Both are way way waaaaay down from my original diagnosis reading of 136, so grateful, I suppose.

Last night, it all came to a head. I was a sobbing mess. Why why why? I eat well. I take care of myself. I don't use toxins. Was it because I was sick last week? Didn't sleep well the night before? Have been stressed? Because I had a long anovulatory cycle? And on and on and on. It just seemed so bloody unfair. My poor husband came home from a work trip and was met with me. He asked did I want to talk about it and all I could respond is "there's nothing to say. I'm sad. I'm mad. I've had it."

But, then I expounded. It wasn't fair. To me. To our son. To him. He got saddled with a broken old woman. At which point, I crumbled. Completely. Thankfully, I've a very supportive and encouraging husband who teared up immediately and said to NEVER, EVER say that again.

Basically, that was the first time I just let it all spill how incredibly guilty I feel for putting him and our family through this. I KNOW it's not my fault. I KNOW. It's hard to stop FEELING though.

The crazy thing is, I feel the same I did health wise as when I conceived our son. We got to talking that maybe this is something I've had the whole time. I went back through my old charts TTC our son. I had night sweats then as well. When they say every child is a miracle, I believe it, but in our case, he may be a miracle ten fold. I won't ever let go of God's healing hand blessing us again. I won't. I did feel though a wave of gratitude how lucky we are.

I also had a good cry about being so hard on myself for feeling guilty that I'm upset and angry. We are so blessed. We've a house. Food. Family. Other than this little debacle, our health. It felt good to just let it out, and boy, was I exhausted.

I woke up refreshed (thanks to my son sleeping in) and to my estradiol lab. That one came in lower than last time at 40. Which, is actually good news. Basically CD3 estradiol should be between 25-75, the higher the number the more indicative it is of diminished reserve. For IVF purposes I know, they like to see a lower number. My number of 40 was not only normal, but almost exactly where medically speaking it should be.

My number before of 89, which a whole lot better than ZERO, was considered high and most likely suppressing my FSH. So, my true FSH at that point, may be closer to what it read this time at 55.7.

What does all this mean? Well, I think Weds. appointment with the fertility specialist will be much more indicative of what is up with me once we can see my ovaries, follicles, lining, etc, but for now it tells me that my ovaries are working too hard still.

I panicked last night wondering if HRT was a necessity as I read over the list of what POF causes...heart attack, osteoporosis, increased risk of cancers, stroke, dementia, vaginal atrophy...and on and on. The dementia really gets me. My grandma died of Alzheimers and I know I'm at increased risk. The earlier you go through menopause, the higher your risk.

What my labs showed though was my estrogen was actually right where it should be. It may not have the same surges as a "younger" woman hormonally speaking because not as many follicles mature (each maturing follicle makes your estrogen surge to about 200 higher) but it's in a healthy level. So despite my higher labs for FSH, my estrogen in on point where HRT would put it anyway.

I feel like if I look at myself as a whole (not just fertility wise) and can keep my estrogen, calcium and vitamin D in check, there still is no need for HRT. After 15 years of taking birth control pills I don't know why I'm so resistant. I think because I partly blame them for my issues. Every drug I've taken, I've had such an exaggerated reaction. In high school when I got my wisdom teeth out they couldn't wake me from the pain killer and I spent hours throwing up and passing back out. When I was induced, the drug I was suppose to get every four hours was so strong eight hours later they still refused the second dose. When they put me on pit I contracted so long and hard they thought my uterus would rupture. I just can't help but feel my body is incredibly sensitive to drugs and they reek havoc on my system.

Anyway, thought I'd update you all. So, my labs for all intents and purposes are the same. My FSH is still around the same so not worse, definitely not better, but my estrogen is healthy.

I went to my TCM today for acupuncture because I'm actually filming Saturday when my original appointment was scheduled. He was excited I'd gotten my period.

During acupuncture he did the same fertility points, stuck with the depression points again as well and then I asked him to do some carpal tunnel points since I work so long at the computer and I've been having lingering pain. It's hard to get to sleep at night. I had to chuckle when he put them in my head. He again told me how good he was...most times those needles really hurt people but he's so gentle I barely felt it.

I almost did start laughing out loud when he was doing the points on my abdomen. The two points really hurt. It just so happens it's right, I mean RIGHT over my private parts so my pants are tucked down really far. He just blurted out "I'm nervous."

Nervous?? To do acupuncture? Yes, he said, so close to your privates. I don't want to touch it. I couldn't help but laugh. He is a doctor after all so I've never put much thought to it, but perhaps that is why my female doctor typically does the fertility stuff. She's still in China.

My pulse was much better after the session. He said the Qi may have been a little low today because I am still menstruating. The good thing is my period has been a good length. It started a bit "scanty" as they like to call it, or light, but picked up a bit. Not a heavy flow, but a consistent, red flow. There was a bit darker color, but I think from the long anovulatory cycle. He also loaded me up on herbs.

I'm really praying if I should continue this.

I did order my essential oils and will be happy to start using more of them. I think the clary sage has been helping. I've also been making sure to eat more fats which I think can only help overall.

After Weds I think I will be more in tune with my body, but I spent all night and day really trying to feel God's presence. I feel like I'm at a point where I can "give up" my efforts and trust God. I hope, pray and do believe I will conceive, but I also feel like I need to open myself that our child will come however he or she comes. I seek so hard for the answers to fertility, or how to make fostering or adoption or embryo adoption work and I need to find a calm and really allow God to PRESENT it to me. I don't know how that will happen. At times I don't believe it can, but I need to push that behind me and trust it will.

Last night all I wanted to do is scream "Why God" are you allowing this, but I know the answer. GOD isn't. God empowers me to DEAL with it. Satan, the devil, however you want to call it, is in charge of evil, sickness, death, despair. So sorry to get all biblical on you, but "Get thee behind me Satan." I'll have no part of it.

I've a renewed peace today. I've had a few moments of tears, but I'll come out ahead.

God Bless.

Bonds of Infertility

March 20, 2014

I feel like I've so much to update on. I got so busy I wasn't able to set any time aside. Forgive my rambling nature this post. I feel scattered today.

First off, instead of going to my TCM tomorrow, I went last week. My mom was in town and wanted to try acupuncture. She has a few issues with gallbladder, her upper arm had been bothering her and has tendinitis, so a ringing in her ears. She also had one nasty cold. She'd been complaining of a bit of nausea between the drainage from the cold and the pressure in her ears from flying. Best yet, my acupuncture session would be her treat.

*insert wheels peeling out of the drive*

Her treat. Yes Ma'm!

When we arrived my doctor was there to take her pulse and ask a few questions and then she went in to get poked. I asked if they'd mind my watching since I'd never actually seen it done before. Before he even started he reviewed her list of complaints. When she described the pain in her back wrapping around to the front he said "gallbladder." Apparently, that is what she'd thought it was, but her doctors said no. He, however, sat her down and pressed one pressure point on her leg. "This hurt?" It sure did! He told her that it was because that was the gallbladder point. So, she may have a few issues there afterall.

It was interesting to watch. He had such a gentle touch. He just kind of flicks the needle in. I was pretty astounded though, how far he pushed some in. I stood watching trying not to let my eyes bulge for fear my mom would react when he twisted those suckers in. "Sensitive? Does it hurt," he asked. "No." He actually gave a surprised look and went along his way flicking and pushing. He dimmed the light, set the music and we went along to do my session.

About halfway through my session I heard my mom call him from the other room, then it got quiet. He came in to check on me and adjust my needles and I asked how my mom was. "She's done." Wow, quick! "She threw up!"

"What?? Is she ok??"

"Now she is." Chuckle.

Me - groan. Poor mom!

Turns out the nausea she was battling got too much to handle when the needles opened up her energy channels. She did however say the ringing in her ears wasn't as loud and her back and shoulder felt a bit better. I hope I didn't scar her on the idea of acupuncture.

After my session he said my pulse was very good. "Very good, as in, very good for anybody? Or, very good for me?"

"Anybody. Strong. Very strong." He started going whoosh whoosh whoosh, strong! My left side was a bit weaker though so my blood needed more nourishment.

I also received my clary sage essential oil. I started putting a drop on each sole of my foot every night, but after three or four nights of not being able to sleep, I wondered if it was the oil. It's suppose to be calming, but apparently, on me, not so much. I've started putting it on my feet in the mornings with a carrier oil and it's helped. I sleep better at night. I've only been doing it for a week or so, so I don't now the effects yet. Fingers crossed.

A few things recently that really resonated. This morning, my son loves to see the garbage truck. Trash was running late, so we were killing time. It got much too late and I had to bring him into daycare so I could get some work done. As I was leaving I ran into a fellow mom who is scheduled for a C-section next week. I rarely see her because I drop off earlier. We got to chatting and she was getting so emotional talking about how difficult this pregnancy had done and how her little girl was a fighter, that I of course got emotional with her and started crying too. She asked if I planned to have more kids, and already in tears from talking to her, I broke down. I spilled our whole journey with her in the parking lot.

She wrapped me in a hug and said "Don't give up. Please don't give up. I never thought I'd get pregnant. I tried for four years to have our son. I exhausted every avenue. Like you, I did acupuncture, herbs, all the fertility treatments. My friends raised money for us to do an IVF. They started me on the medication to stop all my hormones, essentially shut my system down before restarting it to prepare for the cycle. The doctor called me and told me to sit down. They had no idea how it was even possible since they'd stopped all hormone production, but I was pregnant. We thought it was impossible to get pregnant this time around, and although we weren't preventing, we weren't trying. I said the words aloud to my husband, 'If I'm not pregnant by my 42nd birthday, we are going to start preventing to so I don't risk passing on any genetic abnormalities' and I was pregnant within weeks of vocalizing it. I feel like someone heard."

Infertility, and fertility struggles are really the pits, but one thing I've learned is there is nothing that forms a greater, tighter or more intimate bond with people who are essentially strangers than the bonds of infertility. I imagine those bonds feel much the same for cancer survivors. I found that same tight bond with other mothers when I had my son. Within struggle, there are so many wonderful, gracious and supportive people. I was so humbled to have spoken with her this morning on such a more intimate level than our casual "Hi, How are you" exchanges.

As a matter of fact, while writing this, she just text me. She had called her old fertility doctor and asked her about my issues. She said she'd be willing to see me, which she is. She closed with the text "If there is anything else, let me know. I'd be willing to go and hold your hand if it would help."

Tears. What a beautiful thing to offer.

The crazy thing is, it's the same clinic my friend went to for her IVF and the one she is scheduled at for her embryo transfer. Small world. Living in Los Angeles, there are hundreds of fertility clinics and the two women who have referred me, said to go to the same one. I'm starting to feel like I want to talk to one. I may contact them to see what labs they need so next CD3 I can have my OBGYN order them. This way, the labs will be covered by insurance, even if the consult at a fertility specialist isn't.

The other thing that struck me today was a woman in the Mothers with POI/POF group posted about how she's always been extremely thin. She gained 6 lbs at the prompting of her family and found her cycles resumed, but she felt fat so she lost the weight again and all her POF symptoms returned. I really think a lot of infertility issues have to do with weight. I know when I was diagnosed I was I believe 96 lbs which is gaunt, so extremely thin.

I will be honest that I have struggled with body image in the past. In high school I did, as well as the profession I'm in (acting) there is a pressure to be rail thin. The camera adds pounds, so everyone always wants to avoid extra weight gain. The last year or so, I can honestly say I've let go of that. I feel like I'm more secure in who I am. The reality is, this industry needs people of all sizes. As I age more, I feel ok being a bit heavier (and I know I'm not heavy, I mean carrying more weight than I use to) because I know it's better for me. I've more energy, my body works healthier, my hair has been growing in thicker, my skin is clear. My focus has been on getting healthy, and it's been liberating to let go of my inhibition.

When I conceived my son (before diagnosis) I was heavier than I had been, it being just after Christmas when I'd put on some weight and was 105. I noticed when I fall back to around 100, my cycles get more erratic than when I'm closer to that 104/105 mark. I've been consciously trying to add more fats to my diet. I think my adding coconut oil to my smoothies (something I knew to do, but never remembered until another mom in that group reminded me by posting her smoothie with coconut oil) helps me get those good fats into my diet.

I've no real update for this cycle. I'm CD 62 and I don't think I've ovulated. I will say I took an HPT on Monday and it was stark white, so that is great. That means my LH and HCG aren't inflated from POF. I've felt great too. I really feel like although this is a long cycle, there will be a strong ovulation.

As always, God bless!