April 1, 2015
The funny, funny ha ha of this day has not slipped past me, but there are no jokes in this post.
As I was pulling into the appointment my husband called to tell me he got our tax info and we owed $4000. What?!?!?? That is incredulous! You are kidding me! How is that even possible? We don't have any money? Every single cent we earned last year went to bills. Everything. Apparently all the thousands I spent on medical bills and appointments don't count for anything because it was under our $12,400 married filing jointly deduction so it doesn't matter if I spent $12,399, we get the same deduction as someone who spent $0. Since I'm self employed, I was slammed with a double tax (as I always am) but I'd honestly thought our medical bills would offset some of this.
I did go through out claim with a fine tooth comb and found our accountant didn't include my husbands car deduction and our fee for paying him last year. I'm hoping those two deductions can bring it down a tad, but $4000??? And that doesn't count what we owe in quarterlies in two weeks. I want to bury my head in the sand.
So, basically, I am an emotional wreck and holding back tears walking IN to my appointment. Lovely. Fast forward to the 45 minutes I waited to see the doctor. Big ball of emotional tears. As I was ushered in, the doctor was very polite, and I could tell right away he was a nice guy. A nice guy who was about to give me bad news.
He asked a few questions and asked "Do you know what the high FSH means." Yes, doctor, yes I do. He laid out the aging egg document and basically told me the whole speech again. I have no eggs, need a donor, blah blah blah
I asked him if it was possible that I HAD eggs, but there was some sort of interruption between my brain, hormonal path, etc that was preventing the ovaries from stimulating them and he said, basically, yes, anything is possible. Shy of cutting my ovaries open and looking, they'd never know. I could have thousands of eggs, or no eggs.
He then told me about some experimental procedures they are developing for people with POF. That, I was happy to hear. He told me they are about a year out from some breakthrough new procedures. I should add these are not done within the United States. He mentioned Canada, Panama and he is actually responsible for opening a clinic in Singapore in the next year or so.
You can check these procedures out at www.ovascience.com Basically he spoke to me about two procedures. One is called Augment. In this procedure, which IS available now abroad, they take out eggs from within the ovary. They then stimulate the ovaries and harvest the mature eggs, but use the mitochondria from the eggs from within the ovary to make them better quality. This procedure would not work with a patient with POF because it isn't possible to stimulate the ovaries.
The other procedure, which is said should be releasing by the end of 2015 (internationally) or beyond is OvaPrime. In this procedure, they actually harvest a piece of your ovary. They take the eggs from within and transfer them back into the woman on to her ovaries where they can then be stimulated during the IVF process. In theory, it should help a woman who has low egg reserve increase her egg count because eggs that were not being "recruited" before will be.
He has no clue when these procedures will be offered in the US because of the FDA. I was happy to hear that there is work being done to reverse the problem with diminished egg reserve. Now, if only they can work on curing POF. Again, as with so many issues I have with the current medical system, there is research in place to alleviate symptoms (there's money there) and research in place to do IVF (there's money there) but I still have yet to hear treatment how to restore full ovarian and hormone function (no money there.)
I inquired how he thought it was possible I got POF after having just conceived so easily since I have no autoimmune or genetic markers. He said his best guess was I either had a low egg count to start because of something that happened in utero; either a toxin my mom came into contact with or a sickness she got at the exact moment eggs were forming in me as an embryo that stalled the process, or something that happened to me during the pregnancy that basically threw off my body's communication system hormonally. He said most times it comes from chemo or serious surgery scarring that disrupts the system. I didn't get into the whole environmental toxin / stress theory.
He did also say that it is extremely possible that I had few eggs before and we by some great miracle caught one. He said my son could have very well been my one in a million and a miracle of miracles.
We then proceeded to the internal ultra sound. He said that my uterus looked good, very little "activity" because of low estrogen. He then found my ovaries. One had no follicles to be found. The other he found one dark spot that "could" be a follicle but it didn't look circular like most follicles are. So, basically, I have one "maybe" follicle. His whole ultra sound was about 60 seconds long. I was then instructed to get dressed and meet him and the nurse coordinator in a different room.
When I walked in, he sympathetically told me that my best option was DE IVF. I told him it was out of the question. "Is it the money? We have options to get the price down using frozen eggs. Only around $17-$20,000 plus meds." If I wasn't holding back tears, it would have been laughter. Um, no. "Ok, because a typical DE IVF would be around $30,000-$40,000."
Good grief. I told him if we do anything it'd be embryo adoption. I inquired if their clinic has embryos and he told me, yes, a ton, but not good quality. If they were going to do it, they'd want some exceptional embryos to come available. I asked to be wait listed and he said I could give my criteria to the nurse. Criteria? What we wanted them to look like, their education, etc. Well, I don't care. I just want a healthy baby. Well then, our wait would be far less. He said if minority wasn't a concern for us, they could definitely find us an embryo.
Next, he gave me a warm hug and excused himself and the nurse told me what it would all entail. Basically, when embryos came available, I'd have to have all the STD screenings done as well as thyroid and CBC and various blood tests. Next, I'd have to do a saline sonogram and mock trial. What this is, is they insert saline into your uterus so it blows up and he can examine it for polpys, scars, etc. The mock transfer is him measuring and inserting the equipment to see how far back he'd drop the embryos.
If I wasn't cycling on my own at this point, they'd put me on birth control to prime my uterus and then induce a period. The Sono and mock would be between day 7-11. The transfer itself would entail a lot of medication. Estrogen shots would be started (I believe) five weeks ahead of time. As I got to the "ovulation" timing I'd start the progesterone shots as well. Transfer would depend on a 3 day or 5 day frozen embryo would dictate. 12 days after transfer would be my pregnancy test and then I'd (hopefully) be relinquished to my doctor after two follow up blood draws to check betas.
After all this technical mumbo jumbo, the heart of the matter is, I'm pretty raw, drained and emotionally spent. The good news? My uterus looked good. When I asked him about my ovaries he said they were surprisingly large and he'd expected them to be tiny or shriveled. He credits the acupuncture for adequate blood flow (and the nurse encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing as she was astounded at how much better my labs have gotten in the span of a year.) They both agreed that if I keep doing what I'm doing I increase my odds of both a successful conception should a miracle occur or a successful transfer and pregnancy. If I'm ever lucky enough to go in full remission (or even part) my bits are still there and functioning so that gives me some hope.
I feel a deep sadness. I feel really upset and pissed that everything I've been doing to take care of myself hasn't worked better or faster. I feel like I was diagnosed all over again.
I really don't know how to proceed. After processing this all day, I've grown resolute that it is God's will what will be done. If this has taught me anything it's that I cannot control this one bit. I've taken care of myself holistically and health wise and my ovaries and uterus still appear healthy so I'll chalk that up for a win. My husband and I had a good talk when I got home. Basically, we trust God will bring our baby to us. I don't know if that will be the "natural" way or through an embryo or adoption. I am just praying that He provide a sign or answer that is undeniable. I am full of doubt, fear and questioning everything and I honestly can't deal with any half truths or ideas.
A small part of me finds a bit of comfort to relinquish the reigns. I've tried so had mentally, physically and emotionally to "will" it to happen. Now, I can just let go. When I got home I put away my thermometer. I don't have OPKs anymore, I never reordered them. I've decided, at least for now to discontinue my Chinese herbs when I run out because it's just too much money. I will keep with acupuncture and chiropractic care as that's imperative for my longevity and health. My supplements and essential oils I'll keep to nourish my body to help avoid HRT. If the lack of herbs is a detriment I'll possibly start again in the future.
For now, I am really turning my focus to enjoy my family and son, my miracle of miracles, and to spend time on working out again (I really want to join a gym) and my acting career. I was blessed enough last week to be on set and I've missed it so. It really fulfills me and I've been lacking in that area for so long.
I am 100% giving it to God to let me know when the timing is right and in what way our child will come.
God Bless.
The funny, funny ha ha of this day has not slipped past me, but there are no jokes in this post.
As I was pulling into the appointment my husband called to tell me he got our tax info and we owed $4000. What?!?!?? That is incredulous! You are kidding me! How is that even possible? We don't have any money? Every single cent we earned last year went to bills. Everything. Apparently all the thousands I spent on medical bills and appointments don't count for anything because it was under our $12,400 married filing jointly deduction so it doesn't matter if I spent $12,399, we get the same deduction as someone who spent $0. Since I'm self employed, I was slammed with a double tax (as I always am) but I'd honestly thought our medical bills would offset some of this.
I did go through out claim with a fine tooth comb and found our accountant didn't include my husbands car deduction and our fee for paying him last year. I'm hoping those two deductions can bring it down a tad, but $4000??? And that doesn't count what we owe in quarterlies in two weeks. I want to bury my head in the sand.
So, basically, I am an emotional wreck and holding back tears walking IN to my appointment. Lovely. Fast forward to the 45 minutes I waited to see the doctor. Big ball of emotional tears. As I was ushered in, the doctor was very polite, and I could tell right away he was a nice guy. A nice guy who was about to give me bad news.
He asked a few questions and asked "Do you know what the high FSH means." Yes, doctor, yes I do. He laid out the aging egg document and basically told me the whole speech again. I have no eggs, need a donor, blah blah blah
I asked him if it was possible that I HAD eggs, but there was some sort of interruption between my brain, hormonal path, etc that was preventing the ovaries from stimulating them and he said, basically, yes, anything is possible. Shy of cutting my ovaries open and looking, they'd never know. I could have thousands of eggs, or no eggs.
He then told me about some experimental procedures they are developing for people with POF. That, I was happy to hear. He told me they are about a year out from some breakthrough new procedures. I should add these are not done within the United States. He mentioned Canada, Panama and he is actually responsible for opening a clinic in Singapore in the next year or so.
You can check these procedures out at www.ovascience.com Basically he spoke to me about two procedures. One is called Augment. In this procedure, which IS available now abroad, they take out eggs from within the ovary. They then stimulate the ovaries and harvest the mature eggs, but use the mitochondria from the eggs from within the ovary to make them better quality. This procedure would not work with a patient with POF because it isn't possible to stimulate the ovaries.
The other procedure, which is said should be releasing by the end of 2015 (internationally) or beyond is OvaPrime. In this procedure, they actually harvest a piece of your ovary. They take the eggs from within and transfer them back into the woman on to her ovaries where they can then be stimulated during the IVF process. In theory, it should help a woman who has low egg reserve increase her egg count because eggs that were not being "recruited" before will be.
He has no clue when these procedures will be offered in the US because of the FDA. I was happy to hear that there is work being done to reverse the problem with diminished egg reserve. Now, if only they can work on curing POF. Again, as with so many issues I have with the current medical system, there is research in place to alleviate symptoms (there's money there) and research in place to do IVF (there's money there) but I still have yet to hear treatment how to restore full ovarian and hormone function (no money there.)
I inquired how he thought it was possible I got POF after having just conceived so easily since I have no autoimmune or genetic markers. He said his best guess was I either had a low egg count to start because of something that happened in utero; either a toxin my mom came into contact with or a sickness she got at the exact moment eggs were forming in me as an embryo that stalled the process, or something that happened to me during the pregnancy that basically threw off my body's communication system hormonally. He said most times it comes from chemo or serious surgery scarring that disrupts the system. I didn't get into the whole environmental toxin / stress theory.
He did also say that it is extremely possible that I had few eggs before and we by some great miracle caught one. He said my son could have very well been my one in a million and a miracle of miracles.
We then proceeded to the internal ultra sound. He said that my uterus looked good, very little "activity" because of low estrogen. He then found my ovaries. One had no follicles to be found. The other he found one dark spot that "could" be a follicle but it didn't look circular like most follicles are. So, basically, I have one "maybe" follicle. His whole ultra sound was about 60 seconds long. I was then instructed to get dressed and meet him and the nurse coordinator in a different room.
When I walked in, he sympathetically told me that my best option was DE IVF. I told him it was out of the question. "Is it the money? We have options to get the price down using frozen eggs. Only around $17-$20,000 plus meds." If I wasn't holding back tears, it would have been laughter. Um, no. "Ok, because a typical DE IVF would be around $30,000-$40,000."
Good grief. I told him if we do anything it'd be embryo adoption. I inquired if their clinic has embryos and he told me, yes, a ton, but not good quality. If they were going to do it, they'd want some exceptional embryos to come available. I asked to be wait listed and he said I could give my criteria to the nurse. Criteria? What we wanted them to look like, their education, etc. Well, I don't care. I just want a healthy baby. Well then, our wait would be far less. He said if minority wasn't a concern for us, they could definitely find us an embryo.
Next, he gave me a warm hug and excused himself and the nurse told me what it would all entail. Basically, when embryos came available, I'd have to have all the STD screenings done as well as thyroid and CBC and various blood tests. Next, I'd have to do a saline sonogram and mock trial. What this is, is they insert saline into your uterus so it blows up and he can examine it for polpys, scars, etc. The mock transfer is him measuring and inserting the equipment to see how far back he'd drop the embryos.
If I wasn't cycling on my own at this point, they'd put me on birth control to prime my uterus and then induce a period. The Sono and mock would be between day 7-11. The transfer itself would entail a lot of medication. Estrogen shots would be started (I believe) five weeks ahead of time. As I got to the "ovulation" timing I'd start the progesterone shots as well. Transfer would depend on a 3 day or 5 day frozen embryo would dictate. 12 days after transfer would be my pregnancy test and then I'd (hopefully) be relinquished to my doctor after two follow up blood draws to check betas.
After all this technical mumbo jumbo, the heart of the matter is, I'm pretty raw, drained and emotionally spent. The good news? My uterus looked good. When I asked him about my ovaries he said they were surprisingly large and he'd expected them to be tiny or shriveled. He credits the acupuncture for adequate blood flow (and the nurse encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing as she was astounded at how much better my labs have gotten in the span of a year.) They both agreed that if I keep doing what I'm doing I increase my odds of both a successful conception should a miracle occur or a successful transfer and pregnancy. If I'm ever lucky enough to go in full remission (or even part) my bits are still there and functioning so that gives me some hope.
I feel a deep sadness. I feel really upset and pissed that everything I've been doing to take care of myself hasn't worked better or faster. I feel like I was diagnosed all over again.
I really don't know how to proceed. After processing this all day, I've grown resolute that it is God's will what will be done. If this has taught me anything it's that I cannot control this one bit. I've taken care of myself holistically and health wise and my ovaries and uterus still appear healthy so I'll chalk that up for a win. My husband and I had a good talk when I got home. Basically, we trust God will bring our baby to us. I don't know if that will be the "natural" way or through an embryo or adoption. I am just praying that He provide a sign or answer that is undeniable. I am full of doubt, fear and questioning everything and I honestly can't deal with any half truths or ideas.
A small part of me finds a bit of comfort to relinquish the reigns. I've tried so had mentally, physically and emotionally to "will" it to happen. Now, I can just let go. When I got home I put away my thermometer. I don't have OPKs anymore, I never reordered them. I've decided, at least for now to discontinue my Chinese herbs when I run out because it's just too much money. I will keep with acupuncture and chiropractic care as that's imperative for my longevity and health. My supplements and essential oils I'll keep to nourish my body to help avoid HRT. If the lack of herbs is a detriment I'll possibly start again in the future.
For now, I am really turning my focus to enjoy my family and son, my miracle of miracles, and to spend time on working out again (I really want to join a gym) and my acting career. I was blessed enough last week to be on set and I've missed it so. It really fulfills me and I've been lacking in that area for so long.
I am 100% giving it to God to let me know when the timing is right and in what way our child will come.
God Bless.
