Renewed Hope

Dec. 7, 2014

I love the Christmas season! What a wonderful weekend. My son and I were busy crafting and playing yesterday and today was full of church, Christmas festivities and a kid's concert and church and meal. During the service, we were studying Luke and the story of the angel Gabriel visiting Mary to tell her that she would conceive Jesus. In that story, is the story of Elisabeth (Luke 1:7-1:24) who was barren and advanced in age, but became pregnant with John the Baptist. I started tearing up a bit because again, as the bible says 

"Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.: Deuteronomy 7:14

Heck, if God can give a baby to a virgin, he sure can make my ovaries squeeze out an egg, am I right?

It gives me renewed hope.

Yesterday was back to my TCM. I felt really bad because her father had passed away. I hugged her as she arrived and she began tearing up.

She felt my pulses and was pleased they were feeling stronger. According to my tongue, she could see I still had a touch of my cold. I'd stopped my herbs at the onset, so I still had a lot left. She too looked at my chart and saw a clear ovulation pattern. The problem is, now, I'm starting to doubt if it was ovulation, or perhaps slightly elevated temperatures from when I was sick. If the temps do indicate ovulation, it shows my period should be coming with the temp drop (most likely.) However, I still think it's weird I've had all fertile sings in every other area (cm, cervix position, OPKs) so I'm really not convinced I ovulated, despite the beautiful chart.

Pretty picture perfect, right? It would show a normal length LP phase (although, even if this "is" an accurate chart, I'm still thinking my actual ovulation date would be CD17) a pretty normal ovulation date, good raise of temp indicating good progesterone... We'll see. 

At my session she told me to drink more water. I drink an insane amount already, but alrighty, I'll keep on. She also told me I could begin my herbs again. During acupuncture she put a new needle in and when I asked what it was for she told me my cough. I still had a lingering tickle. During my whole session, not one cough. Pretty amazing.

And it was PAINFUL with a all capitals. Youch! The ones on my reproductive organs were insanely painful, especially my left ovary. It was a take my breath away poke! My legs and feet were also incredibly sensitive. She remarked I was extra sensitive today. Was I ever! It was kind of nice though, she let me lay there for a full hour, so I got to unwind and relax. It's been hectic, so I treasured the extra time.

I was a bit worried my cold would make me go backwards in treatment, which my body seems to do when anything is haywire, but she said I'm still gradually improving, to just keep what I'm doing.

Last night, oddly enough, I had a dream I had twins. It was a long dream figuring out how to nurse them both, but that's my practical mind at work ;) 

I will say, I've felt kind of "icky" the last few days because I've felt extremely bloated. My pants feel tight (and no it wasn't Thanksgiving catching up on me!!) and I got a few pimples, which is a first for a long time. My thought is, although as ucky as it makes me feel, it's hormones at work. Sooooo, my body making hormones equals good things.

For now, I'm just trying to focus on the holidays and treasure my family time. The reality is, no sense paying too much attention to my chart or cycle because I can't "change" it. I can just keep healthy and keep plugging along. I'm feeling great. Sleeping well. I've been focused, in good spirits and don't have any "symptoms" so I'm thankful.

God bless!

High Anxiety and Pushing Through

April 28, 3014

Ug. Last night I slept horribly. Up every 20-30 minutes. I tried back tracking to the last time I slept poorly, last week and realized I’d eaten the same thing that night. I’d made a batch of chocolate chip peanut butter oatmeal cookies and subbed coconut oil for the butter. Out of curiosity, I went AGAIN, to Google. Coconut oil gives your body a jump start, so if you are prone or easily susceptible to things like that it isn’t recommended before bed. Who knew? I guess that’s an easy fix at least.

I think partly because I am sleep deprived, I have some high anxiety and stress today. I’m suppose to avoid it at all costs, but with the first of the month coming, and staring at this pile of bills, the reality of all my “treatments” and how much it all costs is really stressing me out. That combined with I updated our CoveredCA plan with my husband’s new job and our health insurance is jumping by $180 each month.

I think I will talk to by chiropractor tomorrow and let him know I will have to cut back to visits every three weeks versus two. I know he won’t be thrilled about that. He was very hesitant to go from weekly to bi-weekly, but the reality is, none of this is covered by insurance. Between the chiropractor visits, herbs and supplements… Yikes! At least right now, I’m not getting acupuncture also.

I need to just keep repeating “Let go and let God.” I know these treatments are helping me body to work correctly on it’s own. The goal is to use these as short term solutions to assist my body in doing it all on its own. The expense, in the long run is minimal when you think of all the money I will save from a lifetime of HRT and further health complications.

And, to top it off I am bloated and just plain cranky. I've gained a little weight since beginning all of my treatment and weaning, which I am happy about, but as a woman, we get caught in this rut of hating to do that. Sad, isn't it? I was sick, literally sickly thin, and yet, I'm still far underweight by the "doctor's scale" and I feel gross because I've gained a few pounds. I'll chalk it up to the bloated feeling today making me feel this way. Honestly, I should be happy about about that. It's hormones that make you retain water in your cycle right? Cranky is a flux of hormones, right? I should embrace this feeling. Me, my bad attitude and my extra water just means things are a workin'. Pardon me while I unbotton my top button...

Suck it up, Em. Keep plowing through.

My Pep Talk Numero Dos (And a rehash for my sanity)

April 20, 2014

Happy Easter!! What an amazing day. I’ve always been humbled by God’s sacrifice to send his only son to suffer, die and be risen to redeem us from our sins, but this year it really hit home. As I sat and read Reed the Easter story, I started to cry. I was holding my own son, who is so dear to me. That sacrifice is beyond compare. I am so happy and grateful to have a Creator that loves and treasures us so much. We are saved and healed by the stripes Jesus wore.

Today my temp dropped again so I’m rather confident I’ve started a new cycle. I did take an HPT in case, and it was negative. I’ll give it one more day to make sure my temp stays low tomorrow then start doing my castor oil packs and Epsom salt baths again until I ovulate. I feel refreshed. It’s a clean slate and I feel like I’m getting a handle on how my body is working. Ever since I ovulated, my OPK tests are extremely negative barely showing a second line at all, so I feel good knowing my LH is under control. I’ve no idea where my FSH is, but knowing one hormone dropped and that I ovulated, I’m confident it’s lower. I’m also almost three months into my treatment, so more than halfway to the 150 mark where my dormant follicles should be “awake.” Yahoo!

http://natural-fertility-info.com/increase-egg-health

I believe I listed it before, but here is a link to their POF page. I started with the supplements they suggested for the first few weeks, but a few weeks into treatment I talked more with my TCM and they suggested stopping all of these and letting their herbs work their magic. Because my problem was a hormonal imbalance, they said I was very delicate, and they didn’t want anything to interfere or more importantly hurt me in anyway. After my next cycle, I may ask them more about some of the supplements suggested here like Royal jelly to help with egg health too.

http://natural-fertility-info.com/premature-ovarian-failure.html

That site listed above has been my go-to through this whole journey. I research their info on other sites too and then speak with either my doctor or TCM to verify it will help my situation, but even for knowledge sake…most every fertility supplement is broken down somewhere eon there listing both the benefits and risks, dosage sizes, and excellent explanations for how each ones can help.

As I research my POF further, I really think it was caused by adrenal fatigue. Here are few links to it…

http://natural-fertility-info.com/is-my-adrenal-health-affecting-my-fertility.html

http://wynyardchiro.com.au/the-adrenals-and-pregnancy/

At the time I was diagnosed, my son (a miserable sleeper) had been up, quite literally every night almost all night long from birth. From the months of September to January, I was lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep a night, which was interrupted – consisting of 45 minute segments. In November and December, I rarely got more than 2 hrs of sleep. My husband often traveled when he did have work, so I had no night time help and when he was in town, he often catered which meant he’d work late and then sleep.

My son would only sleep if being held or his back rubbed in the crib. With my severe lack of sleep, I was also his primary care giver and struggling to work 30 hrs a week during his naps and after he went to bed at night. Often times, because it was just me, I’d have toast or cereal at night. My healthy diet I prided myself on, went out the window the last six months before my diagnosis. 

I was also the primary bread winner, as my husband was out of work the last three months before diagnosis. We were travelling, I was sleep deprived and highly stressed. As I’m watching my hormones fall back into line, I believe without a doubt my POF was adrenal failure. My hormones were wacky and my initial tests showed elevated pitocin levels which they attributed to breast feeding. The goods news is, if it was adrenal failure, I am now sleeping a full night (8 hrs), eating almost all organic and nutritious, meditating and exercising to reduce stress and my husband now has a full time job in town to help around the house and contribute more financially. No wonder my hormones are falling back in check.

Sorry for the repetitive nature…as things are getting back into swing, I took time to review all that has happened and how far I’ve come and reassure myself that it takes time. I’ve been patient thus far, and can remain so for total healing.

Game On ~ The Herbs Commence

Feb. 21, 2014

My last day of acupuncture…for now. Today was surprisingly relaxing. Normally I can’t tune out everything going on around me, but today, it was peaceful. She said my pulse was good. That’s a first. Normally, it’s getting “better” but she actually seemed pleased at how strong it was before she put the needles in.

Normally, they hurt for a second going in, but today I barely felt the ones on my abdomen at all. I wonder if that is because my energy paths were opening already? Now, the ones on my feet really hurt. She said that was the one to reduce stress. Um, yeah. I guess those ones would still be killers. It was a bit of a stressful week. Family drama.

As soon as the needles were in, she dimmed the lights, put on the wonderful heat lamp and set the music and left and I dare say I almost fell asleep. A good rest at least.

Afterwards, they confirmed that I’m done with acupuncture for now and she seemed rather sure my period would start as soon as I’m entirely done breastfeeding. They wanted to start me on herbs to replenish my system and regulate my hormones, but hesitated until I’d weaned Reed.  I reassured them I wouldn’t start the herbs until I was done and that the last four days I’d gone down to one feeding, that I’d be ok to stop. I hated saying those words, but realistically, I knew if I waited until next week, I’d still be upset over it, Reed probably wouldn’t wean on his own by then, and one extra week of breastfeeding wasn’t going to affect him much either way.

They asked about my hormone levels at my last testing and since it was only a month ago they said they’d use those as the starting point. Surprisingly, she didn’t seem phased as I muttered my levels. They just said they’d like them retested at some point to see how the herbs were working. For about 15 minutes she was busy writing, every now and then asking a question or two, and then she got up and went to her herbs “dresser.”

I watched in awe as she pulled out bottle after bottle. Why I thought there’d be a mixture of a few herbs, I have no idea. She must have pulled out 25 bottles. She began precisely measuring them out using a scale. When she was done, her husband handed them to me and told me to take them twice a day, three scoops each time. In a little warm water.

Alrighty – game on! I decided since I was starting my herbs, I might as well start my “regimen” or supplements. When I got home I pulled out my geriatric vitamin organizer. After lunch, I warmed my water, poured my herbs and drank, er, gagged it down. My husband was dry heaving just watching me. Not a cocktail I’d recommend.