Weak and Wiry

Aug. 23, 2014

Weak and Wiry. Groan. Those were the words my TCM used.

I went in this morning for my bi-weekly appointment and they frowned. I haven't started my period, my temps are being uncooperative, and my pulse was weak and wiry. Am I nervous? Worried? Stressed? Changed my diet? I just sat there stunned. Um, no. I'm always a bit worried under the surface about my fertility, but, am I now worried? Yes. Hands down, yes.

I asked, "Well, but better than when I started right?" Pause. "No, pretty close. Your Qi and blood are really low."

Gulp. Groan. Sigh. Sniff.

I had to really hold back tears this time. Seven months of treatment in and I'm back to square one? The world does not seem fair. They just keep repeating the words "relax relax relax" to me as they talk about how weak I am. Um, that's not relaxing to hear.

As they began mixing herbs, she took me to the acupuncture room and began my fertility acupuncture. Apparently, they think the needles will open my energy channels to improve my Qi and they are giving a "wake up" call to my reproductive organs. I get the impression, the focus on the herbs these next few weeks is to nourish my Qi, build my blood and send the big "WAKE UP!!"

Today, it hurt! I guess when your Qi is low it can be more painful because it's really opening things up. The ones in my head were tender, between my thumb and forefinger, I barely felt, but the ones in my abdomen? Yowie!! The legs and feet were ok. Typically, there may be a slight poke as they go in, but this time, I'd actually get sporadic bursts of pain throughout the session. It really did feel like a bolt of energy.

As I laid there I tried so hard to relax, but what did I do? Worry. Worried about the fact I ran out of organic decaf and had two cups of "normal" decaf this week. Worry about the fact we never typically eat out, but ate out three times this week, one of those being Taco Bell. Gulp. Worry about the fact I was letting financial stress get hold of me. Worry about the fact my son has peanut and nut allergies now and I have to have a Epi Pen strapped to me at all times.  Worry about I had ice cream, twice, this past week. Worry about the fact I was up late crying with my friend and comforting her through some problems.

Which one of those things set me over the edge? I had to do a mental head slap. Seriously, Em. Two cups of not organic decaf coffee aren't enough to hit rock bottom. So, last week wasn't the best. Most likely, everything came to a head and my body was tired today. That doesn't mean it's rock bottom. Just a crappy day.

My temps are just weird. Not high. Not low. In the middle. They were high but then dropped. My thinking, because I was sick, they were elevated before. According to other fertile signs, I could have ovulated last Tuesday. Or, my body is doing a fake out, which I'm rather accustomed to.

I'm suppose to go back next week for acupuncture, but I'll be out of town, so I'll go the following midweek. I'm hoping this session, getting back on track this week and being back on the fertility herbs full time now will mend whatever is broken.

My friend sent me the scripture "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not into thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and He shall direct thy path." A good reminder. Stop worrying about how to fix it. Trust it IS being fixed. My understanding is so limited and because I can't logically or scientifically figure out how things will right themselves, I start to doubt they will. But, that's what faith is, isn't it? Having no idea how it's POSSIBLE, but KNOWING it is.

In theory. Simple. In practice. Really, REALLY hard.

On the upside, we had an amazing family day. We went to a Family Sports Event for the family. It was really, quite incredible. Area vendors were there, all with activities for children. Our son jumped right in. Literally. It was a fun day!

Another woman in a Mommy Group of mine is also struggling with infertility. She kindly sent me a link to her blog. It was sad and beautiful all at the same time looking at her past entries. She tried for THREE YEARS to conceive her daughter trying various fertility treatments and the one cycle off. Wham! Pregnant. That cycle, her pulse was very weak. She'd sent it to me to be uplifting and it was such a blessing she let me in to her years of struggle. I really appreciated being part of her journey.

To all you ladies out there struggling with any kind of infertility. My heart aches with yours. Such a devastating and isolating thing. May you find peace and success growing your family in whatever way you choose. Biological child. DE IVF child. Adopted child. Fostered child.

God Bless!

BFN and Why That Makes Me Happy!

Aug. 18, 2014

Happy? Well, kind of. I took my obligatory pregnancy test that I take every few weeks waiting for my period to start and it was stark white. In the TTC world, that's awful. However, when you've been staring at phantom fake out "positive" lines for the past few months knowing your hormones are out of whack, all white means my body has stabilized. So, hoping the next one I get is the real deal!

My temp spiked again today, so I'm not quite sure that is about. I did have restless sleep. The first night in a long time actually, but it had more to do with my waking every ten minutes thinking I was late to my audition and didn't have my lines memorized. So, not POF related. Completely my overactive mind on that one.

So, we'll see how my temps progress. Could have been a fluke from waking so much. Could have been that I actually did ovulate last Tuesday. It's a crap shoot. I'll keep you posted.

Meh...Another Fake Out

Aug. 16, 2014

I'm having one of "those" days again. Just in a funk. I'm feeling better. Great actually. I finished my "get better" herbs Friday night and am back on fertility herbs. I've been sleeping excellent too.

I really thought I'd ovulated last Tuesday. The week before my temps had spiked for three days, but I'd attributed it to a low grade fever, but they they rose again on Weds. However, Weds and Thurs I was feeling a bit sick still. No appetite. Felt a bit nauseated whenever I ate. Saturday, my temps dropped low again and remain there today.

So...best guess...still waiting. A friend is going through some really horrible things personally (and health wise) and it makes me realize how petty my problems are. So, just makes me feel even more like a jacka** that I still let them get to me.

I've also been letting stress creep in on financial matters. It just seems like so much is coming due, and my husband's work has been a really slow. He's such a hard worker, and I know it bothers him in the slow times. He's been helping with our son so I can work extra hours. He traveled last week, which will be a nice check, but I forgot how much difficult it is. I miss him, and this single parenting is really tough while maintaining a full time job (with childcare three days a week it helps, but it means working a lot of hours during naps and after bedtime still) scheduling auditions, getting the cleaning, cooking, shopping and day to day things done. I really respect parents who have to do it alone day to day.

Not a whole lot else to report. It was a wonderful family day yesterday. We went to a local farm and played for a while and picked a whole variety of fresh veggies. I got some extra snuggles from my son who was a bit under the weather. I hate seeing him ill, but I did like the extra loving! He's such a busy body exploring every which way, I'm learning to take advantage of every extra moment with him! But boy, the pushing boundaries has been trying my patience. I keep reminding myself he's learning and growing, exerting his independence. Yow!

Well, here's to hoping now that I'm back on my fertility herbs it gets things moving. It's really been about three weeks now since I've been taking them, so maybe this is just the push my body needs.

God bless!

Sick Again and the Supermoon

Aug. 10, 2014

So, turns out I'm sick again. My lethargy and aches weren't in my head. I went to my TCM yesterday thinking the herbs may be worsening whatever was wrong with me, and I was right. The herbs nourish the body and everything in it...including viruses.

My TCM pretty much told me every symptom I had before I was able to get the words out of my mouth. By checking my pulses and tongue she asked if I was tired? Check. Dry mouth and thirsty? Check. Achy? Check. I also told her I'd felt like a lump was in my throat for several days. It didn't hurt, just was annoying. Yesterday my throat was a tiny bit scratchy, but that was it.

She told me in abbreviated English that "medicine" made my immunity down. Translation? The meds for the UTI did a bang up job getting rid of the UTI. It also wreaked havoc on the rest of my body.

Isn't it fascinating? Western medicine (and don't get me wrong, I love Western medicine and everything it has to offer) works in the way it targets one thing. It's amazingly exact and precise which is wonderful, but the down side is, it only has ONE medication. Eastern medicine has a different philosophy. They prescribe herbs that will treat one condition as well as all the others that may come up from treating the condition. What do I mean? I know have a mix of about 35 herbs that will treat everything wrong with my body, while boosting my immune system and organ functions. It all works TOGETHER to ensure my body heals properly all while treating what is wrong.

I don't blame Western medicine for their philosophy because the fact of the matter is, a lot of medicines are powerful and work efficiently. The reason Western medicine doesn't treat the whole body in one pill is, it's mass produced. Western medicines are researched and distributed wide spread to keep cost down and be efficient. Eastern medicines are prescribed and measured precisely for each patient. It isn't cost effective.

Anyway, good news. No UTI - thank you Western medicine (although next time my TCM said they have a great UTI herb mixture without the side effects so I think I'll try it) and thank you Eastern herbs for getting me back on my feet. It felt like when I had Epstein Bar. So far, I took two doses yesterday (and went to bed at 8:45 pm) and one dose this morning and I already have more energy. I have one week of medicinal herbs and then back to my fertility mixture.

In other news. I had a HUGE temp spike yesterday which I though may be a low grade fever, and I was right. Today it dropped back down to 97.33. So, either a fall back rise, or I didn't ovulate afterall. I've had positive OPK's for about five days now so my body is REAAAALLLLLLYYYY trying. Tonight, however, is the supermoon? What is that you ask? A supermoon is when the moon is at it's closest to earth on it's elliptical access. It will be enormous and light up the sky.

http://earthsky.org/space/what-is-a-supermoon

Since full moons are synonymous with fertility, I'm hoping that the "super" moon will literally rip one of those eggs right outta there!! Sound a little "out there?" The lunar month is what the women's cycle is based on. Some fascinating stuff. Check out this article for an overview.

http://astrology.about.com/od/themoon/a/MoonFertility.htm

I'll be honest I really started to have anxiety this morning when my temp came down and my OPK was still positive. I started having a freak out moment of this is what happened when I was diagnosed. Fortunately 1. - my HPT yesterday was almost barely non existent so it WAS the high LH surge making it turn, not residual HCG in my system, and 2. I've reminded myself I've put this in God's hands. Trying to "time" things properly for a baby is silly. I've let God know I trust we'll conceive and since he's the one in charge of releasing the eggs anyway, he'll know the "appropriate" time to do so.

In the mean time, healing and remaining optimistic.

Quick Update

Aug. 8, 2014

Well, a quick update. I skipped my TCM this week. I called and told them I had about a week of herbs leftover still so they said to just wait and come in next week when I'm out. I think that's the best bet. I think we'll have a better idea if I should start acupuncture again by that point. And...it saves me four hours of driving there, appointment and driving home in glorious LA traffic, I'm all for it.

I'm feeling pretty good. Still bloody exhausted. I'm not sure what that is all about. The last two weeks have been awful. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't get any energy, and the irony is, it's the best sleep I've had in months. I resorted to putting a mini scoop of regular coffee in with my decaf yesterday. Also, I felt really achy for several days. I thought the flu was rearing it's ugly head, but I feel better today. I didn't take herbs yesterday morning and just did a half dose at night in case I was coming down with something. I know the super herbs can grow viruses as well as heal my lady bits.

I did get a very positive OPK yesterday, and then today...the mother of all positive OPKs!! Holy crap, right!??! The test line is on the top.

My sister in law suggested I take a HPT "just in case" since I've been feeling pretty punky and it's that darn faint positive again. A dark faint, but faint. My gut tells me it's from the huge LH surge and low residual HCG. (Interesting fact, they've proven a super LH surge can show a faint on an HPT test. Kind of like OPKs look positive when you are pregnant. They didn't think it worked in reverse, but if you test at exactly the right time, you can see a faint from the super surge...)

So, either A. my body is all whacked out, or B. my body is surging (like it should) right now and may kick out an egg. I'm really thinking B this time. Maybe it's my optimism, but my temps have been low the last two weeks and yesterday I got a little temp hike, and today a major. So, my thinking is I ovulated yesterday and the OPK today was because my body still detected the surge. Also, overall, I've been sleeping pretty good and no hot flashes or problems focusing, which all tends to happen when my body goes crazy.

That dark line makes me think my body is screaming at my ovaries to just spit one out already!

The next few days, I'm sure will make things clearer, and if not...I'm pretty use to living in limbo right now ;) I'll have an answer for sure in two weeks if I ovulated or not, right?

In other news, acting has been going great recently. I've been keeping busy filming and auditioning, so it makes the "baby journey" a lot easier to swallow when I'm not being forced to think of it all the time. Good distractions. A watched pot never boils right?

**Just a quick edit. I started feeling sick again today. Achy all over. Exhausted. Constantly thirsty. I had to take a nap. I never nap on my work days. It honestly does feel like when I was pregnant with my son and had morning sickness, but according to my temperature, open cervix and negative tests, I know that isn't possible. Maybe I do have a touch of something. If I'm not better in a week or two, I'll go in and have everything checked out. I know they ran thyroid and autoimmune tests during my initial diagnosis, so I don't think it's that. Sucking it up and hoping I feel better soon. How stupid I feel a bit under the weather and I already jump to conclusions with hormones. Snap out of it, Em!

I called my TCM and am heading in tomorrow to adjust my herbs.

Back on Herbs and Feeling Good

Aug. 4, 2014

Back on the herb bandwagon. Well, if I'm totally honest, I started to wean back on them two days ago taking a half dose halfway between my UTI dosage. Today is the first day taking a full dose twice a day.

I've been sleeping great. I hope this continues because it makes my life so much more pleasant being well rested. And my son, a perpetual 5:30 riser, has decided to sleep in until 6:15 or 6:30 now, so let me pause from typing and knock on every wooden surface in the house.

I went to the chiropractor this morning and he said I'm doing great. Two minor adjustments was all I needed. I did ask him about the pressure points around my neck that you aren't suppose to touch during pregnancy. He seemed to think that continuing treatment even though I'm actively trying to conceive shouldn't hurt my chances. He said it'd just keep my nervous system and endocrine system in better shape allowing my hormones to flow more freely. I'm a bit leery of it though so I'll try and keep my appointments in the two weeks leading up to ovulation just in case. I know it's all probably not that big of a deal, heck, my first pregnancy I was probably begging for shoulder rubs ignorant of the fact, it's supposedly a no no.

If only I'd ovulate... I did get a positive OPK today and my fertile signs are there, so I'm doing a silent cheer hoping my ovaries spit out an egg. In the next several days I'll know based on my temps.

My friend I mentioned that is now pregnant has generously offered to give me her stash of fertility supplements. I know you ladies can relate - $$$ - so I was thrilled and am happily taking them off her hands. I'll have to take stock of what they are because my Amazon Subscribe and Save shipment window for changing closes tomorrow. And, if you ladies are getting supplements, that is one of the best things I've found. If you get a delivery of over five items, it's all 15% off. If less than 5, 5% off. Added bonus, all free shipping.

I've found a few things cheaper, and Pure Formulas is awesome because it all ships free, no matter the size of your order. No tax either. If you do opt for there, follow this link so I can earn money off future orders. Gulp. I'll need it. I'm not sure if they ship internationally though...

http://www.pureformulas.com/?pdRewardsRef=RACULR

VitaCost and iHerb are other good discount sites, but the downside with those is you need to have a certain amount to get free shipping. iHerb is the better deal usually because it ships free after $20 purchase and has nice add ons for $1. I've links to both of those with coupons, also.

Here is a link to $10 off for VitaCost
http://goo.gl/GNrWsK

Here is a link for up to $10 off your first order at iHerb
http://www.iherb.com?rcode=POD190

For the majority of my items, I do find the Amazon Subscribe and Save the best deal, but only when I get 5 or more per month. AND, lesson learned. Amazon does not refrigerate their items, so things like Probiotics are best bought at a place like iHerb which does.

And, it goes without saying, use supplements with caution. All of mine were cleared by either my doctor or TCM. I did a lot of research in the beginning and brought all my lists in to review with them.

I go back to the TCM on Weds. I'll be curious to see if they start my acupuncture sessions again without the return of my period, or just do herbs for another two weeks and reassess. I still have a good week of herbs left so my guess is they'll make a few changes and add a few to the mix.

I'll keep you all posted. Have a great week all. I'm feeling so at peace right now. God bless!

So far so good

July 31, 2014

Well, I've been off herbs for almost a week now and so far so good. I've been sleeping great. I woke up a few times last night, but the night before I slept from 10:30-5:30 without waking up at all. I literally cannot remember the last time I've slept that long and hard. It was heavenly!!! My sleep started improving about five days before stopping herbs, so I don't think it was the herbs adversely affecting it. I also haven't been having any mini hot flashes. I was getting them here and there - nothing drastic like they use to be, but enough to unnerve me.

My hormones seem to be cooperating. My temp had been elevated for about a month and over the last week, just before discontinuing herbs, my temps have been dropping. I've also been getting fertile cm and cervix. I took a HPT test today to see and hardly any line at all. It looked more like an evap after it'd been sitting out for an hour so I think the low HCG has dropped even lower, or disappeared in my system. We'll see over the next few days if I ovulate and can verify it with a temp hike.

All in all. Doing pretty good. I was worried taking a break from the herbs would slow my progress, but maybe my body needed a break from everything. Or, maybe my body is just on an upswing and it'd be working even better with the herbs. Either way, I feel like conquering the horrid UTI and healing my body of that is the most important for overall health (and fertility health.) Who knows how long I'd been battling it.

I must also add my super exciting news. A friend of mine who has been battling infertility is pregnant. She is the one who introduced me to my TCM. She went to them her first round of IVF and got pregnant. Her second round, she didn't, and didn't get pregnant. Although they pulled some eggs, the quality wasn't great. Her third round, she did acupuncture and herbs for a six or seven month round and they pulled 18 mature eggs, 15 fertilized which were all viable at day 5. At transfer day there was a near perfect one and one pretty darn close. Her u/s is next week.

Her doctor was amazed at the difference the eight months made between transfers and asked what they'd done. Fasting. Prayer. TCM and acupuncture. He was baffled and told her she could be a donor. For any naysayers, there is something to this. The only difference between round 2 and 3 was TCM and acupuncture. The faith, prayer and fasting were there all along. The bible tells us to prepare our fields.

I never knew it'd be in the form of needles and a sludge concoction of herbs, but hey, I'm busy preparing my field. ;)