One in a million

April 1, 2015

The funny, funny ha ha of this day has not slipped past me, but there are no jokes in this post.

As I was pulling into the appointment my husband called to tell me he got our tax info and we owed $4000. What?!?!?? That is incredulous! You are kidding me! How is that even possible? We don't have any money? Every single cent we earned last year went to bills. Everything. Apparently all the thousands I spent on medical bills and appointments don't count for anything because it was under our $12,400 married filing jointly deduction so it doesn't matter if I spent $12,399, we get the same deduction as someone who spent $0. Since I'm self employed, I was slammed with a double tax (as I always am) but I'd honestly thought our medical bills would offset some of this.

I did go through out claim with a fine tooth comb and found our accountant didn't include my husbands car deduction and our fee for paying him last year. I'm hoping those two deductions can bring it down a tad, but $4000??? And that doesn't count what we owe in quarterlies in two weeks. I want to bury my head in the sand.

So, basically, I am an emotional wreck and holding back tears walking IN to my appointment. Lovely. Fast forward to the 45 minutes I waited to see the doctor. Big ball of emotional tears. As I was ushered in, the doctor was very polite, and I could tell right away he was a nice guy. A nice guy who was about to give me bad news.

He asked a few questions and asked "Do you know what the high FSH means." Yes, doctor, yes I do. He laid out the aging egg document and basically told me the whole speech again. I have no eggs, need a donor, blah blah blah

I asked him if it was possible that I HAD eggs, but there was some sort of interruption between my brain, hormonal path, etc that was preventing the ovaries from stimulating them and he said, basically, yes, anything is possible. Shy of cutting my ovaries open and looking, they'd never know. I could have thousands of eggs, or no eggs.

He then told me about some experimental procedures they are developing for people with POF. That, I was happy to hear. He told me they are about a year out from some breakthrough new procedures. I should add these are not done within the United States. He mentioned Canada, Panama and he is actually responsible for opening a clinic in Singapore in the next year or so.

You can check these procedures out at www.ovascience.com Basically he spoke to me about two procedures. One is called Augment. In this procedure, which IS available now abroad, they take out eggs from within the ovary. They then stimulate the ovaries and harvest the mature eggs, but use the mitochondria from the eggs from within the ovary to make them better quality. This procedure would not work with a patient with POF because it isn't possible to stimulate the ovaries.

The other procedure, which is said should be releasing by the end of 2015 (internationally) or beyond is OvaPrime. In this procedure, they actually harvest a piece of your ovary. They take the eggs from within and transfer them back into the woman on to her ovaries where they can then be stimulated during the IVF process. In theory, it should help a woman who has low egg reserve increase her egg count because eggs that were not being "recruited" before will be.

He has no clue when these procedures will be offered in the US because of the FDA. I was happy to hear that there is work being done to reverse the problem with diminished egg reserve. Now, if only they can work on curing POF. Again, as with so many issues I have with the current medical system, there is research in place to alleviate symptoms (there's money there) and research in place to do IVF (there's money there) but I still have yet to hear treatment how to restore full ovarian and hormone function (no money there.)

I inquired how he thought it was possible I got POF after having just conceived so easily since I have no autoimmune or genetic markers. He said his best guess was I either had a low egg count to start because of something that happened in utero; either a toxin my mom came into contact with or a sickness she got at the exact moment eggs were forming in me as an embryo that stalled the process, or something that happened to me during the pregnancy that basically threw off my body's communication system hormonally. He said most times it comes from chemo or serious surgery scarring that disrupts the system. I didn't get into the whole environmental toxin / stress theory.

He did also say that it is extremely possible that I had few eggs before and we by some great miracle caught one. He said my son could have very well been my one in a million and a miracle of miracles.

We then proceeded to the internal ultra sound. He said that my uterus looked good, very little "activity" because of low estrogen. He then found my ovaries. One had no follicles to be found. The other he found one dark spot that "could" be a follicle but it didn't look circular like most follicles are. So, basically, I have one "maybe" follicle. His whole ultra sound was about 60 seconds long. I was then instructed to get dressed and meet him and the nurse coordinator in a different room.

When I walked in, he sympathetically told me that my best option was DE IVF. I told him it was out of the question. "Is it the money? We have options to get the price down using frozen eggs. Only around $17-$20,000 plus meds." If I wasn't holding back tears, it would have been laughter. Um, no. "Ok, because a typical DE IVF would be around $30,000-$40,000."

Good grief. I told him if we do anything it'd be embryo adoption. I inquired if their clinic has embryos and he told me, yes, a ton, but not good quality. If they were going to do it, they'd want some exceptional embryos to come available. I asked to be wait listed and he said I could give my criteria to the nurse. Criteria? What we wanted them to look like, their education, etc. Well, I don't care. I just want a healthy baby. Well then, our wait would be far less. He said if minority wasn't a concern for us, they could definitely find us an embryo.

Next, he gave me a warm hug and excused himself and the nurse told me what it would all entail. Basically, when embryos came available, I'd have to have all the STD screenings done as well as thyroid and CBC and various blood tests. Next, I'd have to do a saline sonogram and mock trial. What this is, is they insert saline into your uterus so it blows up and he can examine it for polpys, scars, etc. The mock transfer is him measuring and inserting the equipment to see how far back he'd drop the embryos.

If I wasn't cycling on my own at this point, they'd put me on birth control to prime my uterus and then induce a period. The Sono and mock would be between day 7-11. The transfer itself would entail a lot of medication. Estrogen shots would be started (I believe) five weeks ahead of time. As I got to the "ovulation" timing I'd start the progesterone shots as well. Transfer would depend on a 3 day or 5 day frozen embryo would dictate. 12 days after transfer would be my pregnancy test and then I'd (hopefully) be relinquished to my doctor after two follow up blood draws to check betas.

After all this technical mumbo jumbo, the heart of the matter is, I'm pretty raw, drained and emotionally spent. The good news? My uterus looked good. When I asked him about my ovaries he said they were surprisingly large and he'd expected them to be tiny or shriveled. He credits the acupuncture for adequate blood flow (and the nurse encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing as she was astounded at how much better my labs have gotten in the span of a year.) They both agreed that if I keep doing what I'm doing I increase my odds of both a successful conception should a miracle occur or a successful transfer and pregnancy. If I'm ever lucky enough to go in full remission (or even part) my bits are still there and functioning so that gives me some hope.

I feel a deep sadness. I feel really upset and pissed that everything I've been doing to take care of myself hasn't worked better or faster. I feel like I was diagnosed all over again.

I really don't know how to proceed. After processing this all day, I've grown resolute that it is God's will what will be done. If this has taught me anything it's that I cannot control this one bit. I've taken care of myself holistically and health wise and my ovaries and uterus still appear healthy so I'll chalk that up for a win. My husband and I had a good talk when I got home. Basically, we trust God will bring our baby to us. I don't know if that will be the "natural" way or through an embryo or adoption. I am just praying that He provide a sign or answer that is undeniable. I am full of doubt, fear and questioning everything and I honestly can't deal with any half truths or ideas.

A small part of me finds a bit of comfort to relinquish the reigns. I've tried so had mentally, physically and emotionally to "will" it to happen. Now, I can just let go. When I got home I put away my thermometer. I don't have OPKs anymore, I never reordered them. I've decided, at least for now to discontinue my Chinese herbs when I run out because it's just too much money. I will keep with acupuncture and chiropractic care as that's imperative for my longevity and health. My supplements and essential oils I'll keep to nourish my body to help avoid HRT. If the lack of herbs is a detriment I'll possibly start again in the future.

For now, I am really turning my focus to enjoy my family and son, my miracle of miracles, and to spend time on working out again (I really want to join a gym) and my acting career. I was blessed enough last week to be on set and I've missed it so. It really fulfills me and I've been lacking in that area for so long.

I am 100% giving it to God to let me know when the timing is right and in what way our child will come.

God Bless.

CD3 Results

March 26, 2015

Well, my results for my FSH and estradiol are in. Drum. Roll. Please.

Meh, forget it. It was more of a trip over a drum set, crash, scenario.

Well, my FSH actually went up a bit from 48 to 55.7. Both are way way waaaaay down from my original diagnosis reading of 136, so grateful, I suppose.

Last night, it all came to a head. I was a sobbing mess. Why why why? I eat well. I take care of myself. I don't use toxins. Was it because I was sick last week? Didn't sleep well the night before? Have been stressed? Because I had a long anovulatory cycle? And on and on and on. It just seemed so bloody unfair. My poor husband came home from a work trip and was met with me. He asked did I want to talk about it and all I could respond is "there's nothing to say. I'm sad. I'm mad. I've had it."

But, then I expounded. It wasn't fair. To me. To our son. To him. He got saddled with a broken old woman. At which point, I crumbled. Completely. Thankfully, I've a very supportive and encouraging husband who teared up immediately and said to NEVER, EVER say that again.

Basically, that was the first time I just let it all spill how incredibly guilty I feel for putting him and our family through this. I KNOW it's not my fault. I KNOW. It's hard to stop FEELING though.

The crazy thing is, I feel the same I did health wise as when I conceived our son. We got to talking that maybe this is something I've had the whole time. I went back through my old charts TTC our son. I had night sweats then as well. When they say every child is a miracle, I believe it, but in our case, he may be a miracle ten fold. I won't ever let go of God's healing hand blessing us again. I won't. I did feel though a wave of gratitude how lucky we are.

I also had a good cry about being so hard on myself for feeling guilty that I'm upset and angry. We are so blessed. We've a house. Food. Family. Other than this little debacle, our health. It felt good to just let it out, and boy, was I exhausted.

I woke up refreshed (thanks to my son sleeping in) and to my estradiol lab. That one came in lower than last time at 40. Which, is actually good news. Basically CD3 estradiol should be between 25-75, the higher the number the more indicative it is of diminished reserve. For IVF purposes I know, they like to see a lower number. My number of 40 was not only normal, but almost exactly where medically speaking it should be.

My number before of 89, which a whole lot better than ZERO, was considered high and most likely suppressing my FSH. So, my true FSH at that point, may be closer to what it read this time at 55.7.

What does all this mean? Well, I think Weds. appointment with the fertility specialist will be much more indicative of what is up with me once we can see my ovaries, follicles, lining, etc, but for now it tells me that my ovaries are working too hard still.

I panicked last night wondering if HRT was a necessity as I read over the list of what POF causes...heart attack, osteoporosis, increased risk of cancers, stroke, dementia, vaginal atrophy...and on and on. The dementia really gets me. My grandma died of Alzheimers and I know I'm at increased risk. The earlier you go through menopause, the higher your risk.

What my labs showed though was my estrogen was actually right where it should be. It may not have the same surges as a "younger" woman hormonally speaking because not as many follicles mature (each maturing follicle makes your estrogen surge to about 200 higher) but it's in a healthy level. So despite my higher labs for FSH, my estrogen in on point where HRT would put it anyway.

I feel like if I look at myself as a whole (not just fertility wise) and can keep my estrogen, calcium and vitamin D in check, there still is no need for HRT. After 15 years of taking birth control pills I don't know why I'm so resistant. I think because I partly blame them for my issues. Every drug I've taken, I've had such an exaggerated reaction. In high school when I got my wisdom teeth out they couldn't wake me from the pain killer and I spent hours throwing up and passing back out. When I was induced, the drug I was suppose to get every four hours was so strong eight hours later they still refused the second dose. When they put me on pit I contracted so long and hard they thought my uterus would rupture. I just can't help but feel my body is incredibly sensitive to drugs and they reek havoc on my system.

Anyway, thought I'd update you all. So, my labs for all intents and purposes are the same. My FSH is still around the same so not worse, definitely not better, but my estrogen is healthy.

I went to my TCM today for acupuncture because I'm actually filming Saturday when my original appointment was scheduled. He was excited I'd gotten my period.

During acupuncture he did the same fertility points, stuck with the depression points again as well and then I asked him to do some carpal tunnel points since I work so long at the computer and I've been having lingering pain. It's hard to get to sleep at night. I had to chuckle when he put them in my head. He again told me how good he was...most times those needles really hurt people but he's so gentle I barely felt it.

I almost did start laughing out loud when he was doing the points on my abdomen. The two points really hurt. It just so happens it's right, I mean RIGHT over my private parts so my pants are tucked down really far. He just blurted out "I'm nervous."

Nervous?? To do acupuncture? Yes, he said, so close to your privates. I don't want to touch it. I couldn't help but laugh. He is a doctor after all so I've never put much thought to it, but perhaps that is why my female doctor typically does the fertility stuff. She's still in China.

My pulse was much better after the session. He said the Qi may have been a little low today because I am still menstruating. The good thing is my period has been a good length. It started a bit "scanty" as they like to call it, or light, but picked up a bit. Not a heavy flow, but a consistent, red flow. There was a bit darker color, but I think from the long anovulatory cycle. He also loaded me up on herbs.

I'm really praying if I should continue this.

I did order my essential oils and will be happy to start using more of them. I think the clary sage has been helping. I've also been making sure to eat more fats which I think can only help overall.

After Weds I think I will be more in tune with my body, but I spent all night and day really trying to feel God's presence. I feel like I'm at a point where I can "give up" my efforts and trust God. I hope, pray and do believe I will conceive, but I also feel like I need to open myself that our child will come however he or she comes. I seek so hard for the answers to fertility, or how to make fostering or adoption or embryo adoption work and I need to find a calm and really allow God to PRESENT it to me. I don't know how that will happen. At times I don't believe it can, but I need to push that behind me and trust it will.

Last night all I wanted to do is scream "Why God" are you allowing this, but I know the answer. GOD isn't. God empowers me to DEAL with it. Satan, the devil, however you want to call it, is in charge of evil, sickness, death, despair. So sorry to get all biblical on you, but "Get thee behind me Satan." I'll have no part of it.

I've a renewed peace today. I've had a few moments of tears, but I'll come out ahead.

God Bless.

Biting the Bullet

March 23, 2015

Well, I'm biting the bullet. I called the clinic that both of my friends referred me too. Thankfully, with the referral they are giving me a free consultation (which normally is $350) and allowing me to order my labs through my doctor under my insurance, as long as she is willing to put them through.

I asked the secretary if the doctor deals with POF patients and she said he absolutely has and most go on to do DE IVF. Not exactly the answer I wanted to hear, but one I was expecting. My hope is that my hormones have improved enough there are other options. I think most of all though, I want to see my progress and hear a game plan. I know we won't do DE IVF. We both aren't all that jazzed about the idea OR the insanely high price tag that comes with it. We've already decided as a couple that if THAT is the only option presented, we will try naturally until we either conceive or are both on the same page to pursue EA (embryo adoption) as we feel more comfortable with that option (and price tag!)

I don't know if I'd be a candidate for mini IVF (low stimulation) or a HCG trigger if we can catch a cycle that I am ovulating normally coupled with IUI and normal intercourse. All questions I have.

Regardless, I'm kind of excited to see what my body is up to. Normally, I'd dread an update preferring the unknown, but I've an odd calm about it.

I started spotting two days ago. Today I had a short burst of red blood. I'm not sure if it's a scanty period (I hate that term by the way, but it's the medical lingo) just midcycle spotting, my period about to start...who knows.

I'll keep you posted on anything I learn.

God bless!

Bonds of Infertility

March 20, 2014

I feel like I've so much to update on. I got so busy I wasn't able to set any time aside. Forgive my rambling nature this post. I feel scattered today.

First off, instead of going to my TCM tomorrow, I went last week. My mom was in town and wanted to try acupuncture. She has a few issues with gallbladder, her upper arm had been bothering her and has tendinitis, so a ringing in her ears. She also had one nasty cold. She'd been complaining of a bit of nausea between the drainage from the cold and the pressure in her ears from flying. Best yet, my acupuncture session would be her treat.

*insert wheels peeling out of the drive*

Her treat. Yes Ma'm!

When we arrived my doctor was there to take her pulse and ask a few questions and then she went in to get poked. I asked if they'd mind my watching since I'd never actually seen it done before. Before he even started he reviewed her list of complaints. When she described the pain in her back wrapping around to the front he said "gallbladder." Apparently, that is what she'd thought it was, but her doctors said no. He, however, sat her down and pressed one pressure point on her leg. "This hurt?" It sure did! He told her that it was because that was the gallbladder point. So, she may have a few issues there afterall.

It was interesting to watch. He had such a gentle touch. He just kind of flicks the needle in. I was pretty astounded though, how far he pushed some in. I stood watching trying not to let my eyes bulge for fear my mom would react when he twisted those suckers in. "Sensitive? Does it hurt," he asked. "No." He actually gave a surprised look and went along his way flicking and pushing. He dimmed the light, set the music and we went along to do my session.

About halfway through my session I heard my mom call him from the other room, then it got quiet. He came in to check on me and adjust my needles and I asked how my mom was. "She's done." Wow, quick! "She threw up!"

"What?? Is she ok??"

"Now she is." Chuckle.

Me - groan. Poor mom!

Turns out the nausea she was battling got too much to handle when the needles opened up her energy channels. She did however say the ringing in her ears wasn't as loud and her back and shoulder felt a bit better. I hope I didn't scar her on the idea of acupuncture.

After my session he said my pulse was very good. "Very good, as in, very good for anybody? Or, very good for me?"

"Anybody. Strong. Very strong." He started going whoosh whoosh whoosh, strong! My left side was a bit weaker though so my blood needed more nourishment.

I also received my clary sage essential oil. I started putting a drop on each sole of my foot every night, but after three or four nights of not being able to sleep, I wondered if it was the oil. It's suppose to be calming, but apparently, on me, not so much. I've started putting it on my feet in the mornings with a carrier oil and it's helped. I sleep better at night. I've only been doing it for a week or so, so I don't now the effects yet. Fingers crossed.

A few things recently that really resonated. This morning, my son loves to see the garbage truck. Trash was running late, so we were killing time. It got much too late and I had to bring him into daycare so I could get some work done. As I was leaving I ran into a fellow mom who is scheduled for a C-section next week. I rarely see her because I drop off earlier. We got to chatting and she was getting so emotional talking about how difficult this pregnancy had done and how her little girl was a fighter, that I of course got emotional with her and started crying too. She asked if I planned to have more kids, and already in tears from talking to her, I broke down. I spilled our whole journey with her in the parking lot.

She wrapped me in a hug and said "Don't give up. Please don't give up. I never thought I'd get pregnant. I tried for four years to have our son. I exhausted every avenue. Like you, I did acupuncture, herbs, all the fertility treatments. My friends raised money for us to do an IVF. They started me on the medication to stop all my hormones, essentially shut my system down before restarting it to prepare for the cycle. The doctor called me and told me to sit down. They had no idea how it was even possible since they'd stopped all hormone production, but I was pregnant. We thought it was impossible to get pregnant this time around, and although we weren't preventing, we weren't trying. I said the words aloud to my husband, 'If I'm not pregnant by my 42nd birthday, we are going to start preventing to so I don't risk passing on any genetic abnormalities' and I was pregnant within weeks of vocalizing it. I feel like someone heard."

Infertility, and fertility struggles are really the pits, but one thing I've learned is there is nothing that forms a greater, tighter or more intimate bond with people who are essentially strangers than the bonds of infertility. I imagine those bonds feel much the same for cancer survivors. I found that same tight bond with other mothers when I had my son. Within struggle, there are so many wonderful, gracious and supportive people. I was so humbled to have spoken with her this morning on such a more intimate level than our casual "Hi, How are you" exchanges.

As a matter of fact, while writing this, she just text me. She had called her old fertility doctor and asked her about my issues. She said she'd be willing to see me, which she is. She closed with the text "If there is anything else, let me know. I'd be willing to go and hold your hand if it would help."

Tears. What a beautiful thing to offer.

The crazy thing is, it's the same clinic my friend went to for her IVF and the one she is scheduled at for her embryo transfer. Small world. Living in Los Angeles, there are hundreds of fertility clinics and the two women who have referred me, said to go to the same one. I'm starting to feel like I want to talk to one. I may contact them to see what labs they need so next CD3 I can have my OBGYN order them. This way, the labs will be covered by insurance, even if the consult at a fertility specialist isn't.

The other thing that struck me today was a woman in the Mothers with POI/POF group posted about how she's always been extremely thin. She gained 6 lbs at the prompting of her family and found her cycles resumed, but she felt fat so she lost the weight again and all her POF symptoms returned. I really think a lot of infertility issues have to do with weight. I know when I was diagnosed I was I believe 96 lbs which is gaunt, so extremely thin.

I will be honest that I have struggled with body image in the past. In high school I did, as well as the profession I'm in (acting) there is a pressure to be rail thin. The camera adds pounds, so everyone always wants to avoid extra weight gain. The last year or so, I can honestly say I've let go of that. I feel like I'm more secure in who I am. The reality is, this industry needs people of all sizes. As I age more, I feel ok being a bit heavier (and I know I'm not heavy, I mean carrying more weight than I use to) because I know it's better for me. I've more energy, my body works healthier, my hair has been growing in thicker, my skin is clear. My focus has been on getting healthy, and it's been liberating to let go of my inhibition.

When I conceived my son (before diagnosis) I was heavier than I had been, it being just after Christmas when I'd put on some weight and was 105. I noticed when I fall back to around 100, my cycles get more erratic than when I'm closer to that 104/105 mark. I've been consciously trying to add more fats to my diet. I think my adding coconut oil to my smoothies (something I knew to do, but never remembered until another mom in that group reminded me by posting her smoothie with coconut oil) helps me get those good fats into my diet.

I've no real update for this cycle. I'm CD 62 and I don't think I've ovulated. I will say I took an HPT on Monday and it was stark white, so that is great. That means my LH and HCG aren't inflated from POF. I've felt great too. I really feel like although this is a long cycle, there will be a strong ovulation.

As always, God bless!

Spotting, Essential Oils, Healing and Acupuncture

March 7, 2015

Well, I suppose it's time for an update. My cycle is strange. What's new, right? I thought I may have ovulated, but my temp went back down. It's had a bit of up and down, but my thought is the initial spike was from a cold. I also spotted for 12 days. Light pink or brown and only when I wiped.

I was a bit emotional this week. I won't lie. There are times I just feel like throwing in the towel, but what am I left with? Ovaries that still don't function? My body is still broken outside of the fertility side of it, so I've really no option than to plug along.

I could always go the HRT route, but I've no faith in that as a long term option. I don't want medication to be what I rely on, and I don't want medication to be what my body relies on to operate correctly. Please know, if you are reading this and on HRT or trying to decide if that is what you want, that is totally ok and you SHOULD do your research. If you opt for HRT it is a wonderful tool and medication and you need to do what is right FOR YOU!! For me, I'm more comfortable with the holistic route as long as my body is responding. If it ever stops, I'll explore HRT as an option.

On the fertility front, we are having more children. I'm convinced biologically, but I've continued my research into fostering to adopt and Embryo Adoption. In fact, my friend who I introduced to the idea of EA is transferring next month!!! The way the path was literally thrown in her face is miraculous, but that is her story to tell. I'm so thrilled and excited for them and pray for a successful transfer so they can hold their take home baby! I also ripped out an article about fostering and fostering to adopt about an informational meeting later this month.

Fostering to adopt seems like such a beautiful concept, but I don't know if I have the heart or stomach to welcome a child into our home just to see them leave. I know you must go into it with the mentality of thinking of it as temporary, but how do I explain to my two year old child their brother or sister may leave. It seems too difficult. The thing that seems even more unbearable than an adoption where the birth mom reconsiders and takes the child back is you may have this child in your custody for years and then they are reconciled. Still an option I am considering because I think so many children need good homes.

Adoption as I've said before is EXPENSIVE!! Even with tax credits, it's still not an option for us at this time.

On my biological fertility front, I was back to TCM today. He asked if I was hurried getting there because it was reflected in my pulse. I was in fact! He also asked if I have been worrying too much.., Yes, indeed. He said he both my pulse and tongue reflected that. To let go of my stress and anxiety (relax relax relax) because it was making me "depressed."

During acupuncture, he added needles to my regiment to help with the depression. A few in my wrists, legs and head. He said it was the "thirteen needles" or "thirteen points." He said it was misleading because it was more than thirteen needles, but thirteen points. Three in my head. Some in my abdomen, some in my wrists and some in my legs. These points are suppose to encourage overall energy, circulation and Qi. The ones in my temples were rather deep and I tried to ask him a question and got instant pressure. Apparently my jaw muscles were pinned up in there. Or maybe he was just sick of my asking questions and jammed some in there to shut me up ;)

I asked more about the points in my legs, the ones that extended from my inner calf to my ankle and he said it was to increase energy. He also showed me how to use my heal to drag it down over those points. He said I should be doing that every night before sleep to help with my kidney and spleen channel. He showed me how to drag my heel over the top of my foot (the bones between the big toe and one next to it) to help with depression of the liver "stress, axiety, etc" every night as well. He said it was the "lazy" way of acupressure but very effective.

The point in my foot area that was extremely tender today was in my Achilles. He had really put it in deep to help with my depression, but that is such a sensitive area! The only point on my abdomen that was tender was over my right ovary. He did the normal five pattern around my naval and then put five across just above my pubic bone. He told me the five points (which I don't remember) but I know the short term for one of them was the "catch" point telling my body to catch an egg and the "come back" point telling my ovaries to start working again. Obviously, those were laymen's terms so I'd understand.

After my session I asked him about my pulse. He said that it was weaker than he wanted, but overall not bad. My right pulse, or Qi, was stronger today than the left, or "blood." This is opposite what it was before, so I'm happy my Qi is improving. The herbs I am taking this week are suppose to help nourish my blood.

So, I was sent home with new herbs, a few new massages to incorporate into my routine, with strict rules of meditating and relaxing.

I'm starting to use some essential oils.  I'll put a drop on each foot every night in my lavender magnesium lotion that I'm already using. I'm excited to start learning more and using more essential oils. I know a lot are skeptical of them, but a lot of the medications we use are from plants, which is what these are. By applying them topically or breathing them in aromatically, they go directly into your blood stream.

If you think about it, it's very effective and makes a lot of sense. They don't have nasty biproducts and fillers that a lot of meds do. I just read an article how many hospitals are beginning to incorporate essential oils into their care. I know my sons dentist uses essential oils in the office to calm children. She works with children on the spectrum and it's been proven to calm and settle them in that setting.

So many interesting things I'm learning about. This disease has obviously been a nasty curse, but when I look at the bright side, I've learned so much about how our bodies work, how to keep them healthy, we've changed our diet, gotten rid of toxins like cleaners and personal care products that can cause harm...I feel like we've used it as incentive to make our lives healthier, teach our son to be healthy and make good long term choices. I suppose you have to look at the good with the bad.

My next project is trying to learn how to do indoor composting without a stink. If you've any tips let me know. I've explored two ways to do it, but I'm skeptical... As my son and I have been planting (he has carrots, broccoli, tomato, beans and potatoes growing) I've been really wanting to start our own compost. The organic dirt is pricey and we are literally throwing money out with the trash.

Back to the fertility front, this is the first day in almost two weeks I haven't been spotting. I did take a pregnancy test last week and I was a faint positive (not as dark as before) so my hormones are hopefully getting better. I'll go back to the take one every week or two route until I can get a clear thermal shift and know what's happening.

Every night I pray to "Let Go and Let God" and every day I struggle with that lesson. I was reading Nerida's book the other night and read something that made so much sense. Instead of praying to God to heal me, I need to demand my body to be healed because God already gave me the power to do so. God said in the bible

Mark 3:15 - And to have power to heal sicknesses, and to cast out devils

It was a moment of clarity. I keep pleading with God for a miracle when God in fact has already given me the power to do so. I decided to take a moment to remind my body. Not that I have the authority to heal, but that GOD has declared I am healed...I think it needed a reminder. So do I.

Until next time. God Bless.

Today WAS a Brighter Day

Feb. 21, 2015

Today WAS a brighter day. I really was struggling. I'm in better spirits now and we've a lot to catch up on!

I'll chat about today and then backtrack. Today was my TCM appointment. My female doctor was in China visiting her mom. A bit off topic, but she went back to China to tell her mom that her dad had passed while here in the US. Obviously, there is a generational and cultural gap because I know for a fact my mom would have some choice words for me if I didn't mention her husband had passed away several months previous. For them, this was the best decision, and I can imagine this has been a very difficult and emotional trip for her.

Back on topic, her husband, my other doctor treated me today. He took my pulse per usual and said it was pretty good. In his words, that means good. He's usually more of the pessimist of the two ;) I'd called him yesterday wanting to know if I should come because I believe I ovulated. I always have that nagging fear that IF I did ovulate and an egg was fertilized I don't want to disrupt the flow down there for implantation and the babe to grow. He assured me it was best to come in.

When I got there today, I asked specifics. I know when my friend got IVF, they said no acupuncture after transfer. He told me that her and I were completely different cases. That ONCE I got an official positive they would discontinue acupuncture, but for now, they were signalling my body to "catch" the egg. He told me the no-no spots that would cause miscarriage (in between your thumb and forefinger, and on your shoulder between your neck and shoulder bone.)

As he started doing the acupuncture, I noticed a different touch. She basically taps it in. He, especially on my head was very heavy handed. It didn't hurt necessarily, but it felt much deeper. I asked about specific spots today since he is fluent in English. The spots of my thumb and ring finger are to catch pregnancy and should be switched every week. If the left thumb and right ring finger are done, you swap it the following session. The spots on my head were for Qi. These were the ones he really skewered in there, and later told me is his specialty. The head is his forte. He told me a man was in there last week and he'd put a needle 3" in to assist in restoring his hearing. Say what?? <--- get it. (ah haha, attempt at pathetic humor numero uno)

He did different spots than she normally does. Some were the same, but I noticed fewer spots on my abdomen and more on my legs. He did needles all the way down between my knee and heel on my calf and did an additional on my foot. Interestingly enough, I'd just messaged a friend that did DE IVF last night asking about her needle placement after transfer and she had specifically mentioned those areas.

As he was about to leave he asked about herbs and I said I had a bit of a head cold and should I not take them this week. He said, I should take them, but he'd adjust the mix to help my sinuses. He asked if there was anything else he should know and I mentioned my back was really hurting. I don't know if I need an adjustment, pulled a muscle, slept funny (we did drive to AZ and back, the back was 9 hrs, maybe I tweaked it) or what, but last night I could not fall asleep at all I was in such discomfort.

He said. "Back pain?" Came over, lifted my pant leg. Swabbed a point with alcohol and jabbed a needle REALLY far into my thigh. "All better." Ok...we shall see. I was rather skeptical of that one because it was just ONE needle and it still hurt.

About 45 minutes later he returned. My back still hurt a bit and I thought "Hmph, guess that didn't work." Bummer! BUT, as I was coming home, I noticed it hurt less. When I got home, I bent down to touch my toes and no pain left. UNREAL!! That little jab did the trick. I was amazed!

As he was pulling the needles out of my head, out of curiosity I asked him how far he'd put them in. Ya know, thinking a few millimeters...he showed me...about an inch! An inch!! Maybe just shy and my disbelief stretched it to an inch, but just about all the way up the pokey part of the needle. Where it went, I do now know. I mean, I've a skull in there. The only think I can think is that it goes in almost perpendicular and stretches beneath the surface? No clue. I need to get someone to take a picture. He did say the head was his specialty and all.

I had a chance to chat with him more in depth about his specialty and his wife's. She apparently really excels with herbs and his forte is acupuncture. They are both good at both, but those are really where their strengths lie. I got to ask him more about his life and he explained how he taught meditation (this I knew) but he went years without sleeping. He'd sit and meditate for six hours a night. I asked if that was healthy and he said if you do it deeply, it's more restful than sleep. He also told me about his days as a Kung Fu master and I'd the great pleasure of watching him do the praying mantis pose (with about 40 needles sticking in me of course!)

I head back there in two weeks for another acupuncture session and a refill on herbs. I'm only doing those every other day, but my body still seems to be progressing. I suppose that is good that my body is starting to work on it's own.

I'll backtrack to a few nights ago. I've talked a bit before about essential oils and how I'd like to learn more. A friend text me last minute she was going to an informal gathering for essential oils and would I like to go. It was a pizookie party (think of a huge gooey chocolate chip cooked in a mini pizza pan topped with ice cream.) Kind of hard to turn down ;)

While I was there, I started chatting with the woman about infertility. I was amazed at how much she knew about the mechanics of it and various fertility issues. She didn't know POF off hand, but was well schooled in how to treat differently for someone who is ovulating and how to encourage hormone production TO ovulate for someone who isn't. It actually isn't a bad deal to do the starter kit...11 oils, an atomizer and a few promotional goodies / extras for $150. Considering one oil is usually like $25, not bad at all. I'm waiting for my friend to get her referral line in place so she gets the moola.

They also had a Zyto machine. A what? It's basically a bio-feedback machine that is hooked to your laptop. It's a giant mouse that has metal strips along your palm and fingers and it shoots electrical impulses into your body. Where you are deficient is compiled in the end. I do believe in Bio-Feedback, but I don't know enough about this machine or brand to know if it's legit. I was bracing myself for hormones awry, but surprisingly, they weren't.

The woman taking it was a bit surprised. She said most people are really out of whack with at least 40 "points" out of the area they should be. I had 31 so I was pretty well balanced. Huh? Well, good if that's true. The read out had recommended four oils. I can only remember three. One was for my heart (which I think is perfectly healthy. My blood pressure is 92/62 which I just had checked last weekend at a health fair with my mother in law and my cholesterol is great.) She said it could also be heartbreak. I'm not broken, but I've had my fair share of a heavy heart throughout this whole process. Hm. Could be true.

The second was my kidney/bladder/liver was off. Interestingly enough, that is what the TCM treat me for. The kidney channel is tied to the reproductive channel in Chinese Medicine and the liver is where you store emotional baggage and stress.

The third oil was for my "inner child." She said something emotionally scarring may have happened in childhood that made me grow up and disconnect from those raw emotions. I can't say I'm scarred from anything, but I've always been a bit of an old soul / caretaker I suppose. She said it could have been later in life too. I guess this oil is used a lot for soldiers with PTSD.

Anyway, there is a recap of my eventful week or two. Emotionally, I feel better. I still struggle which I think is normal for everyone, but I've renewed faith. Physically, I feel good. No nasty symptoms. My sleep which was really rocky for a while has started to plateau again. I think I ovulated. My temps got really low with fertile signs and then shot up. I will admit I didn't temp today because my son woke at 4 am. My cervix however still feels soft, high and open so I won't be shocked if they drop again and my body tries to reboot. I do have a feeling though that my ovaries kicked one out.

And, full disclosure, I did take a pregnancy test today. It'd be way to early to tell if I had ovulated if I was pregnant, but since I was on day CD34, I always test to be sure before an acupuncture session. It was a faint positive again, which kind of made me sad thinking my hormones could be getting wacky for a bit, but my body has a way of rebounding more quickly now.

On a quick side note, I've talked before about being a member of a few online support groups. It seems a bit surreal to find such friends and comfort online when you've never met, but I've resolved myself that that is what it is today. If I hadn't found those groups, I would not know another soul with my condition or learn how they've dealt with it from a medical stand point, emotional stand point, or a practical stand point. In these groups, I always feel a bit lost at times because I DO have a child. A lot of these women do not. I have to sensor myself a bit. I'm thrilled to announce now that there is a support group for MOMMIES WITH POF/POI.

It's nice to be able to talk openly about the heartache of wanting another child to complete your family or a brother or sister for your little one without being hushed quickly by "at least you have one. Quit complaining." Every time I saw someone shushed by those words in the group I was in I had a heavy heart. I understand that viewpoint, but it also is hurtful to the person you are saying it to. Minimizing another person's pain or grief just plain hurts. So, if you are a mommy with POF, please find us on Facebook.

It is a closed group which means you have to request to join. No one will see what you write, however if you publicize your groups, people can see you are in it. If you want to join privately, hover your mouse over the upper right of the group section on your Facebook homepage. Click "hide" or make it just so you can see it. It's a small, wonderful group of supportive mommies. Some have had babies through DE IVF, others EA, some naturally and some adopted. Please be respectful of everyone's privacy.

There are also support groups for POF and POI in general on Facebook here and here. If you want to learn more about DE (donor egg) IVF with POF or POI or EA (embryo adoption) with POF or POI, you can request to join that private group (you cannot search it) through one of the above groups.

Today we are on our way to celebrate the first birthday of our friends baby. They struggled 11 years (!!) with infertility. Numerous IUI's and two failed IVF's only to get pregnant on their own with no intervention. (I will tell you they did an all organic fertility juice cleanse and got pregnant two weeks later...) It just goes to show though, never give up hope. Your miracle could be just around the corner!

Well, as always, God be with you and comforting you through this journey. 

Tomorrow will be a brighter day

Feb. 7, 2014

Normally I try to keep my posts uplifting, but I'm just in such a cruddy place emotionally. I just feel absolutely defeated, lost and extremely emotional. A lot is coming to a head financially, my stress level is capping out and I feel like my cycles are shifting again. It's so tough to remain optimistic.

I had a decent acupuncture session today. I was exhausted going in, and I think she could tell. I slept poorly and my son has been getting up early around 5:30 everyday. I've been staying up late working every night. It's so hard for my mind to shut off at night. I just worry which leads to insomnia which throws my cycle off. My husband is without work and has been for almost six months and our resources are running dry. I know so many can relate. It's a problem for a lot of people and I'm so sorry for others encountering it.

The told me to eat more goji berries. I told them I'd been eating powder but not as much as I should because it's pricey. I said I'll increase the dose but they were leery of it. They don't trust retailers and thought perhaps it was mixed with something else. I told them it was a reputable company, organic and 100% pure. He wanted me to eat the whole berries and when I explained my maggot experience, they suggested I wash them well and bring them next time and they will put them under their UV light while I have my session to kill any eggs. When I'm out of powder I'll do that.

During my session, she brought her husband in who will be doing my sessions while she is in China. She explained all the areas she places needles. I soooo wish I understood Chinese because she was detailing what each one does. He does speak English rather fluently, so maybe next time I'll ask him more questions about each point when he sticks me.

I was also a bit thrown because another client was there for the same time as myself and was charged half of what I was. Driving home I decided that as a client who has been with them for over a year now I have to sit down and discuss if they can work with me financially. They don't take insurance and acupuncture isn't included on my plan anyways, so I'm hoping we can reach some type of compromise.

I'm just giving it to God at this point. In my heart of hearts I know I'm suppose to be a mommy to more than just my son. He is suppose to be a big brother. He yearns for other children to play with. He's such a gentle spirit who engages all the other children around him. My hurt hurts that I've failed him, my husband and myself. I just don't understand how I can't do the only thing nature has literally designed me to do.

I'm sorry for the downer of a post. I'm just struggling. I'm crying as I type this. It seems like such a selfish thing to want in light of all the other things going on in the world. I know tomorrow will be a brighter day.

God bless.