Dear Embryo Donor

Dear Anonymous Embryo Donor,

You don't know me. I may just look like an average woman on the street. Maybe you see me hurried to get my son to school or hear my laughter ring out. You may see me smiling with friends or waiting in a grocery line. But, that isn't all of me.

You haven't seen my tears or seen me crumble in a pile asking God why. You haven't heard my prayers or glimpsed the pain in my eyes at yet another negative test. You don't know the burden on my heart or my marriage... You changed that.

You have blessed me. You have dried my eyes. You have answered my prayers. You have put a glint of happiness in my eyes and joy into my heart.

Dear donor, you have allowed me to once again feel that optimism of a positive pregnancy test. You have allowed me that moment of utter delight and tears or joy to see that flicker of a heart and hear that beautiful beat. You've given me the chance to experience the exhaustion, the sickness, the discomfort of growing a baby, and I'm grateful. You have allowed me to feel my baby move around inside me, taking my breath away with each kick. You have allowed me the utter amazement as I look at an ultrasound and count ten little fingers and ten little toes. See a little nose and mouth, legs and arms. You have given me the gift of childbirth - each mind boggling contraction bringing forth absolutely raw emotion and unmatched strength I didn't know I was capable of. You allowed me to see my incredible boy being brought into this world. To hold his slippery little body against my chest as his cord stopped pumping. For his father to cut the cord and stare at amazement at his son. To look into his big brown eyes and kiss every inch of his perfect little body. You have allowed me to feed him and sustain him. To hug him and cuddle him.

You have allowed me the honor or waking up to feed him, calm him, change him and love him. Utterly exhausted, I'm still grateful to catch a glimpse of his sweet face as he nurses by moonlight, to breathe in his unmistakable scent as I rock him to sleep, to feel that soft tickle of his hair against my chin.

You have allowed me the honor of calming him when he is tired. Hugging him when he is scared. Consoling him when he is inconsolable. You have granted me the privilege of caring for him when he is sick, fighting for him when he is helpless and loving him with every ounce of my being.

You have graced me with the gift of his laughter and his wide bright smile that lights up a room. You have let me be amazed by his strength, his easy demeanor and his endless chatter.

Dear donor, I will never be able to look you in the eyes and thank you from the very core of my being for such a selfless gift. You undoubtedly questioned what to do. You most likely wondered if a family could love your babies as much as you could. You may have considered destroying your embryos or donating them to science. You may have wavered wondering if you could do it. Let them go. You may have cried, questioned, cursed, yelled.

Thank you for your selflessness. Thank you for blessing our family with the gift of a child. Thank you for blessing our son with a life. An opportunity to grow, love, live. We will always let him know he was conceived, in love. You loved him so much you gave him an opportunity at life. He was wanted from day one. By you. By us. He will know how much we yearned for him. Prayed for him. He will know he is loved by all of us.

I look at my son and tears spring to my eyes on a daily basis knowing had you made a different decision, he would not exist. That is unfathomable to me. He is perfect. He is special. He is loved. I know with every fiber of my being our son was intended for us by God. He is with us for a reason.

Dear donor. Thank you. We love you. We pray for you.

You may look like an average man and woman on the street...but you are more. You are our angels. God bless you always.

16 weeks 1 day

May 20, 2016

I realize it's been a long time since I updated. I guess the reasoning is, not too much new stuff to chat about ;) I know they say each pregnancy is different, but this one has royally kicked my tush so far. The exhaustion and nausea were far worse. I'm not sure if it's because I'm older, the meds and supplemental hormones early on, or just this little bean, but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I started feeling better about a week ago, but have had a few set back days, but all in all, much better.

I'm also growing much faster this time. I feel like I'm definitely starting to show. I compared photos with my son at 16 weeks and I think I'm more around my 18th week marker from last time. The baby was measuring ahead at the last ultra sound so maybe that's part of it...and the fact they say you show sooner on subsequent pregnancies.

At my last appointment his heart rate was around 152, so very good. No ultra sound at that one. I chatted with my OB more about the SCH and the partial placenta previa and she expects good outcomes at my 19 week scan. I'll be in to see her once more before that one - next week - so 17 weeks.

I've cravings for meat and protein this pregnancy. Typically I love sweets, but I can take them or leave them right now. Although, ice cream always sounds good which sounds very stereotypical. I think its the cold...everything cold soothes my stomach, which is exactly what my TCM said to avoid, but at this point, being able to operate day to day is pretty important too.

And emotional...did I mention emotional?! The feel good commercials and Facebook videos get me teary eyed, slights from family or friends leave me obsessing and sad. Par for the course I suppose.

So, no big updates. My son is snuggling his baby brother everynight and singing and talking to him. Absolutely warms my heart. We think we are settled on a name. We've a lot of time to go back and forth though. We're also starting to plan how to maneuver our home to make room for another baby. So much to start to think about.

Loving the journey so far. Very excited to see this wee one growing!

God bless!

12 weeks pregnant

April 21, 2016

So, lots of excitement and updates since my last post! We got the results of our NIPT blood test...very quickly actually - within five days. All the genetic markers look great for the baby. We also found out it's a...

Our son was VERY adamant he wanted a girl, so we made a big batch of cupcakes with blue icing and got him a balloon. Between the treat and balloon...we swayed him boys were cool. Daddy after all has a brother and he'll get to play with him and teach him a whole bunch of neat stuff.

I also was finally instructed to start weaning my meds. I began a week ago Monday, limiting my estrace to 1 2mg tablet at night and .5cc of PIO nightly. Sunday was my last injection after three consecutive months. I did a happy dance!!

Today was my 12 week appointment and the little guy was hopping around in there. It's so neat to see him. I'm constantly amazed at how quickly babies develop and grow in utero. Simply amazing. He was very cooperative until they had to take the measurements of the back of the neck - then he just decided to nap or keep stretching. Once she finally got the measurements, they were around 1 ml so all good.

They did see I still had a slight SCH and a bit of placenta previa, which is probably which caused it in the beginning. Because it's still early and so slight, they think it will rectify as they pregnancy goes on and move up. If I experience another big bleed, go to the ER, but slight spotting may just be the placenta shifting.

Still on pelvic rest and can't lift things, but normal activity is fine so I'll start my walks again. It was so nice to see our little guy healthy and active. I've started feeling little movements as well. I thought it was early, but since I'm thinner and it's a second pregnancy they said it was very plausible. Here is a photo of our guy!

Today was also the day we announced our pregnancy. I'm not sure everyone caught the bit about it being embryo adoption, so we'll have to clarify at a later date, but some saw the #snowflakebaby hashtag and have followed our journey close enough to know what it meant. Our son announced in his own creative fashion :)

He's very proud of his baby brother. He picked out his boots and needed his drum stick as a pointer. Every night consists of lots of belly kisses and he makes sure to lotion my belly up and pray for baby. He will be the best big brother ever. We're feeling very blessed!

10 weeks pregnant

April 7, 2016

10 weeks preggers today! I went in for my check up yesterday and good news, it seems the SCH seems to have been reabsorbed. My OB's equipment isn't super high tech, so we'll have the technician at my NT scan in two weeks look more carefully.

The baby looks great thought. He/she was moving all around, tossing it's little arms about. It was funny, some shots looked like a little teddy bear or gummy bear...then we snapped this one. My hubby had to picstitch it together. We're calling this little babe our badger.

My doctor seems very happy. My husband and I just can't wrap our heads around how quickly the baby grows and changes. It's absolutely amazing and such a miracle. From a tiny dot to this in just a few short weeks. 

Tomorrow I go in for my genetics appointment and we are taking the NIPT to check for any genetic issues and gender. I feel very calm everything will be fine with this baby. He/she is quite the fighter. Nice and strong from the start. Hopefully we will hear back when they get the results versus making us wait until the 12 week NT scan, but either way, we will know in two weeks.

My son loves the little photos of our little "snowflake badger." The OB snapped five of them because she kept getting cute little ones, one with his/her arms crossed another looking like a giant teddy. Adorable.

The morning sickness seems worse. I just feel so icky 24/7. I emailed my RE with the results from yesterday. My OB didn't want to run another estradiol and progesterone test since we were at 10 weeks and she felt the placenta would be in full swing by now, but agreed if he wanted another test, she'd put it in. I'm waiting to hear back. I know his office usually starts tapering meds at 8 weeks and I'm at 10 now. We'll see if I'll be putting in a refill or not.

Other than that, nothing new to report. I gained 2 lbs so that is good. I'm 1/2 lb heavier than at transfer, so at least I've made my weight back. I'm getting to the point where I just look like I've eaten a gigantic meal. Not really showing, just bloated a bit. I'll have to start transitioning into maternity or more forgiving pants in a few weeks I'm sure.

So, tomorrow, on to the blood test! They'll also be running my iron and liver levels. I've hemochromatosis so they want to ensure they monitor them during the pregnancy. My iron is always super high, but last time by the time I gave birth it was lowered quite a bit, which is good.

God Bless!

7 weeks 6 days

March 23, 2016

Off to the doctor today and all looks good. Our little bean is measuring on target and has a good heart beat of 157.

I headed in for the nurse visit a bit early and had to do an automated informational gathering on a computer. It all got interesting when it started asking my history and my husbands. I was trying to explain to the nurse it really had no bearing on the baby. When we got to ethnicity it really got interesting. "Should I put African American?" Blank stare.

"You're white."

 "I understand, but the genetic mother was African American and Caucasion, so if you are trying to figure out if you need to run certain genetic markers that are prevalent in the African American community, you do."

The nurse was clueless. "Um, You're white, so put white."

Sure. I put father as African American so it's noted in the file ;)

Next, we took my blood pressure, 103/55. My blood pressure is always a bit low. No surprise there. Weight, 103 lbs...so I lost weight. Honestly, not hugely surprised. I force myself to eat throughout the day, but certainly not feeling it.

My hubby and I strolled into the examination room and they had me undress completely and put the all so glamorous tie in the back robe on. After listening to an obscenely long video on the risks of birth defects and the genetic screenings, the doctor came in.

She asked about setting up my genetic screening, but I told her I didn't think it'd work because of the donor embryo so she set up a genetic counseling. I told her from my research the only test on the market suitable for donor eggs or embryos was Maternit21. Apparently this is covered by my insurance, but I have to call and get the 411 on the price. I called the company myself and they said I could have it done third party and pay them directly, so if that is the cheaper option, I'll go that route. My OB said she couldn't order it outside of Kaiser, but fortunately my RE already agreed to.

Next, she ordered a LOT of blood tests. She also threw in my estradoil and progesterone so I didn't have to drive an hour tomorrow morning and PAY to have those hormones checked. I love my OB. Same one that I had for prenatal care with my son. She also looked over my record and said my thyroid was a bit high last time - very much in normal ranges, but too high for pregnancy, so we are having that checked to head off any issues.

Because of my "advanced maternal age" ahem, 37 at deliver, I am considered high risk. Pair that with a history of infertility and the SCH, I'm firmly in that category.  I'm not phased by that though. In my eyes, that equals extra monitoring covered by my insurance. All good by me. I want to make sure all goes well. I had low amniotic fluid last pregnancy, so I want to make sure that is monitored as well.

She then checked my cervix, felt my abdomen and off we go with the ultrasound. And TWO sacs show up. WHAT?!?!? "Whoa whoa whoa" she said, "It's the machine. It's a mirror image. Not twins."

Husband - DEEP SIGH OF RELIEF.

The nurse switched out the probe and apparently, it was a defective probe because we were back to a singleton pregnancy. The baby was noticeably bigger today and we saw that little flicker of a heartbeat. She turned it on so we could hear. That sound never gets old.

At first when she measured the baby looked 7 weeks 3 days, but she found a clearer angle and 7 weeks 6 days, right on target. She also searched for the SCH and there it was. She kind of maneuvered the probe around to get a better angle and the best measurement she could get was 2.43 cm. She told me it'd most likely be reabsorbed into the body eventually.

I asked if there was heightened risk and she pretty much said, if you were going to lose the baby, you'd have lost it. The baby survived the first bleed so chances are VERY slim you'll have any issues going forward. She also mentioned if it was a large SCH she'd be more alarmed, but since it's smaller, she thinks it'll be fine.

Although she didn't have the measurements of the first and second u/s, I did bring in the hard copy for her and she thought it looks noticeably smaller from the first one.

She told me I didn't have to be on bedrest, but that I will be on pelvic rest (sorry hubby, no sex) could not lift more than 20 lbs, should avoid running and exercise and try not to over exert myself. I asked if walking was ok and she kind of paused and said ok, but to limit it to 15-20 min of a casual stroll. No fast walking.

So, my life feels more normal again. I still want to keep reminding myself to take it easy though. I'm kind of an overachiever and I'm well aware this is NOT the time to be so. When I called my mom to update her she kept saying "don't over do it. A messy house is ok. Not cooking dinner every night is ok. Putting your feet up is ok."

So, my next appointment is in two weeks. Typically, it's four weeks, but with the SCH she does want to monitor it carefully, so I'm appreciate of the extra monitoring. AND, best part, that means I can skip the 10 week out of pocket appointment with the RE. My OB also put in a script for progesterone for me. It'll take 1-2 weeks for them to compound, but if I still need it at that point, I can switch to a covered med.

From there off to the lab. I had to do the 1 hr glucose test (which I passed with flying colors) but choking down that horrid orange drink is just disgusting. Especially when you are queasy to start. When I stood up, I almost threw up and the lab tech said "If you throw up you have to drink another one and start over." Deep breaths - out to the sunshine. I laid on the grass for 45 minutes and chatted with my mom on the phone.

Back inside I went. They drew 12 vials of blood and I was done for the day. So now, I wait. I emailed my coordinator at the fertility clinic my u/s photo and the measurement of the SCH and will send her my estradiol and progesterone tomorrow.

I had to go get my son from school. The first time I've stepped out my front door in two weeks and the furthest I've walked. And it was WONDERFUL! Sun was shining, fresh air....ahhhhhh!

The one other thing my doctor stressed was eating. Somehow I've actually lost weight instead of gained any since transfer and am down to 103. Not ideal starting technically "underweight" to begin with. I just have such a hard time eating right now. I feel so ill every time I put something in my mouth. She suggested upping my B6 to 25mg twice a day instead of once and I've a feeling if I don't gain by 10 weeks she will prescribe medication...I really don't want that. I don't like meds to begin and while pregnant, no thanks. As I down all my fertility meds...hmpfh.

So, all in all. Baby looks great. Couch rest is lifted to just taking it easy and I'm just so peaceful tonight after seeing that little bean growing so well in there. It's barely 8:30 and I am EXHAUSTED though so off to take my shot for the night and head to bed.

God bless!

Subchorionic Hematoma

March 15,

We are 6 weeks and 5 days! It was back to the doctor today and perfect timing. As soon as we pulled up to the office and I put one foot out of the car I felt a huge gush of blood. I kept hoping it was just endometrin discharge from my meds, but I could tell it was something more. I went immediately to the bathroom and gah. I'd have two liners on and it'd soaked through. Eck. Thankfully they are well stocked on pads.

I could feel a dull ache and cramping on the way and was thinking it was my jeans which are already feeling a bit tight. Can I just wear leggings or sweats this whole pregnancy? Seems legit to me, right? When I felt that gush though...

Perfect timing if it were to happen though right? And, I'd been forewarned by the doctor it'd occur again. I'd kind of lucked out until now so I thought maybe I'd be getting off easy.

It was in for the blood draw and back to waiting for my ultrasound. As soon as I got in, the doctor's assistant was scheduled to do my ultrasound today. I like her so I wasn't about complaining it was her. She found the baby right away and already I could tell he or she had grown considerably since last Thursday. Sure enough, our little snowflake was measuring right on target, 6 weeks 5 days. I could see that little flicker of a heart beat too. Always so reassuring. My husband took a little video of the heart and you can even see the little bean moving around a bit. It's so amazing so early that little life is moving, has a beating heart...just amazing.

The thing I was most relieved to see was the dark black line that was the "tear" last time looked considerably smaller to my untrained eye. She said it was a different angle, but even after she moved the wand around, it didn't look as long. It looked a tad thicker in one area, but didn't extend the whole side of the placenta.

Here are the photos. Top is 6 weeks. See the dark black line below the placenta? That is the tear. Bottom is  6 weeks 5 days. The dark line doesn't look as menacing. And, look how much the baby had grown. Amazing how quickly they grow!

She said the clot would hopefully be reabsorbed or bleed out, which it was doing now. Until it was clear, bedrest. My husband clarified what that meant. She basically said only get up to eat or go to the bathroom when I was bleeding. When I wasn't move slow, avoid lifting or straining and only do light activity. Try to limit errands to 15 minutes or so and keep my feet up. If no bleeding, I could do the stairs, incredibly slow and carefully. If I had cramping or any spotting or bleeding, no more.

They wanted me back next week for monitoring. I asked if since I had a visit scheduled with my OB next Weds if that could count as my monitoring visit since prenatal care is covered there and this is out of pocket and they said sure. As long as my OB releases photos of my u/s and my blood tests, I'm ok to go there next week. If my OB agrees to weekly monitoring, then I can do it there under my insurance, but if not, I'll still have to go back to the RE the weeks I'm not seen there. Fingers crossed my OB is cooperative. Considering it's an existing pregnancy and a complication, I'd assume it would be covered since it has nothing to do with "fertility" itself.

We've been very blessed throughout all this. I asked our prayer chain at church just for prayer throughout all this and dinner miraculously appeared on our doorstep last night. They put together a small chain to bring meals every other day so we don't have to worry about food or grocery shopping. It's amazing what a relief that is.

My husband has been diligently submitting applications on the days our son is in childcare to find in town employment. It looks like he will be leaving next week. We're still debating how to make it work, but I think I can put our son in full time daycare for the interim until everything is completely better. I know a few moms from the school would work with me to pick him up or drop him off since we are literally across the street. Our son has been doing really good understanding and having patience I can't do everything to help him.

I can't imagine this will be a long term set back. If so, I talked to my mom about coming to help for a bit and my mother in law offered as well. We'll see how the next week goes before making any arrangements. I'm optimistic it will be short lived.

Until next time - kicking my feet up, drinking lots of water, trying to relax and being grateful for this little one growing day by day.

God bless!

10dp5dt

Feb. 26, 2016

Getting so close to beta day! So many ladies go in at 9dp5dt or 10, but my clinic has been holding strict to 12, and since that is a Sunday, 13 it is. I'm feeling good though. Other than tender breasts and being incredibly tired, which I think has more to do with all the hormones than pregnancy this early in the game, I'm completely symptom free.

I haven't been too crazy testing. I test originally 4dp5dt and then again on 5 days, 7 days, 9 days. My line has always darkened. The last two days weren't crazy different, but significant enough to know it was progressing. I don't completely trust the "ink" on these Wondfos anyway. A lady in my EA forum completely freaked because hers was super light after being dark - sure enough she dipped another and it was dark again.

The top was 4 day and bottom was 9 day. I thought I was out of tests, but I found two mixed in with my old OPKs today. I might just go crazy and test again tomorrow ;) My OPKs I'll ship out to another Mama trying with hopes it'll bring her luck.

I'm down to my last Lovenox tonight. A friend had said she was sending me some, but it never arrived. Apparently her husband forgot to send them. I called around to all the area pharmacies and YOUCH! Some charge as much as $48 per vial (one vial per day.) Costco was the best bargain. I actually had my coordinator send a script for heparin because it was cheaper but figured why not give it a go with my insurance.

Turns out Lovenox IS covered, but ONLY if my Kaiser doctor prescribes it. After a bit of back and forth, she agreed to put in a prescription for two weeks. She doesn't understand my RE's decision to prescribe it to me, but honestly, she isn't a fertility doctor. He's one of the best and I trust him, so I'm going with what he says. I got the impression, I won't need it all through pregnancy, but just up until a point he feels certain my body won't reject the embryo. I'm sure I'll chat more with him in a few weeks at our first ultrasound about when that is.

I realized that I didn't tell you about my "spilling the beans" with my in-laws. Apparently, my husband who was with them for his grandma's funeral was having questions fired at him. They were unaware we'd transferred. I'd told them a month out, but with everything going on, I just think they forgot completely. Anyway, they asked when we were transferring and he said "We already have."

Then the questions started. How is it done? What is the procedure? When would we know? My poor hubby was just sitting there knowing all the while that we'd tested positive the day before. He finally text me "You have to call and tell them. I'll tell my mom you are calling to tell her about the procedure."

So, I called. When I got on the phone with her and she asked about it, I said "Well, Bryce wanted me to explain you'd be a grandma again in November."

Silence.

"Wait. What? Wait. It worked? It took?"

"Yes!"

She was overcome with emotion and having just said goodbye to a loved one, I think it was really an extra special thing for them to know a new baby would be blessing the family. Before she could tell Papa, I told her, let's FaceTime so my son could tell him. And boy did he ever. He just kept screaming "Big Brother" again into the phone.

My son is adamant we are having a girl. He tells me everyday "I want a girl." And, he's always pulling up my shirt and rubbing my belly and kissing it. I hope for his sake it's a girl...and if not, we will have several months trying to convince him how awesome a baby brother would be ;)

Anyway, just wanted to jump on and give you all an update. I'm feeling very peaceful and that God is in control. I've no fear for this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful for a nice strong beta and beautiful doubling. This little snowflake is well loved and cherished and we are so incredibly excited.

God bless!

Spilling the Beans

Feb. 21, 2015

Well, I woke up to a much stronger line. Top was yesterday, bottom was today. It darkened as it dried. I shot off a text to my hubby who is out of town who could notice right away it was darker. If man eyes can see it, everyone can see it :) I joked, do you want me to take the First Response to compare as well? "Sure!"

Instead I dug out a digital I didn't even know we had with an expiration this may and figured why not...

Undeniable.

This morning before church, my son and I called my mom to ask if they could skype however my son started screaming into the phone "Big Brother. I'm going to be a Big Brother." So...as of this moment, my mom knows, but not my step dad or sisters. She was at the bowling alley with them all when it happened. I told her she could tell, but I'd prefer to tell them myself so she swore she'd keep it under wraps until we can skype with my step dad.

Next, we Facetimed my sister and parents (dad and step mom - in case all the parental references are getting confusing) and she ran downstairs so my son could share his message. He screamed "Big Brother at them about a half dozen times." They stared clueless but I could hear my sister, who worked for years at a daycare start laughing and translate for them. Instantly, tears flooded my step mom's eyes and there were a lot of cheers!

My son recorded a special message for all his aunt's and uncles. Sadly, I don't think anyone can understand the little guy screaming Big Brother into the phone, but I did say if you need a translation let me know. We were going to try to skype or Facetime everyone individually, but I know everyone's schedules are hectic and wanted to ensure they all found out today.

I'll totally admit I let my best friend know yesterday as well as my friend who has also done EA. They both were ecstatic and my childhood friend called a flurry of emotion. I could tell she was crying.

It's funny. Last time we planned a wonderful and sentimental announcement near the end of first tri. With this one, we will do something to let people know more widespread, but for our family, we needed them to know right away as they've literally been there, praying every step of the way with us. Strength in numbers. Strength in prayers.

My husband's family doesn't know yet. He did tell me his brother does because he asked how things were going and he let him know we got a positive. As for his parents, they don't know. Today is his grandma's visitation, and the funeral is tomorrow. His parents are very peaceful with her passing. She was a strong woman of faith and her suffering is over. I know this unexpected joy would be received as good and comforting news to them.

I'm just so excited! I pray for this little baby, that he or she continues to grow strong. I pray for a great doubling beta, a strong heartbeat, a happy and healthy nine months, an uncomplicated pregnancy, a fantastic birth and a long, healthy life for this little person. That's not too much to ask for is it?? lol

We've been full of such peace and hope this time around. We've had such support and encouragement. We are blessed.

PREGNANT!!!!!

Feb. 20, 2016

We are PREGNANT!!! You're reading this blog a tad late, because I am writing it now, but am waiting to publish it until we tell everyone who needs to be told personally. I've a few family members and friends that read this, and a blog isn't the ideal way for them to hear ;) Although, I've been getting texts this morning that no one has heard from my blog and for an update...

It is 4dp5dt. We had NO intention of testing today, but my husband's grandma passed away. My husband is traveling, and since my son and I can't join him and he won't be back until next Tuesday night, we could have waited until 9dp5dt to test or wing it today. He really wanted to be the one to dip the stick this time. So, on a whim, I set some urine aside and when he woke said "Hey, almost no chance it'd register yet, but if you want to give it a try, go ahead."

At first, he was bummed because it didn't pop up right away and left the room so I could use the restroom, but as I glanced over "Baaaaaaaaaaaaaabe?!?! Grab the First Response test in the closet. There is a line. I swear there is a line."

"No way!"

I ran the test out to him and he said "There is, but it's super light." So, we dipped the First Response and again he got frustrated it didn't pop up right away. So, I came in. "It's RIGHT THERE!!" "What?" There!! That line!!"

"Well, yeah, but it's not as dark as this one."

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!"

He told me he still wasn't convinced because it was light. Hold on, let me post it in my mom group... He had to laugh because instantaneously people started chiming in their congrats. "Seeeeeeee!"

I understand his hesitation with all our false positives in the past, so we agreed we aren't telling anyone until we see it darken. I'll test again tomorrow.

It is just such a joy and relief. I had no intention to see a positive this early which is why I tested. I could have easily passed it off as too early if it was negative. The positive was just way too exciting and unexpected.

Two days ago, I did have a spot of pink blood on my liner when I changed it. I kept trying not to get my hopes up that it could be implantation spotting, but of course that's where my mind went. I've been feeling good though. No cramping since the day after transfer.

I'll keep you posted as things progress. Today, just enjoying being pregnant and singing my praises to God!

PUPO

Feb. 16, 2016

Well, we are officially PUPO again! Hopefully with a better outcome this time.

Last night I got my last acupuncture session and we had dinner outside on the patio. It was a wonderful evening with my guys. Last night was a bit restless. My son's sound machine is going downhill and decided to come on full volume at midnight so that was the first wake up. Second was him needing to go potty at 2. Third was when he decided 4:45 was an appropriate wake up time. Fourth was when he decided 5:45 was REALLY the best wake up time. At that point, I sent my hubby with him so I could get an extra 45 minutes of sleep.

I got him off to school and took a nice walk to clear my head. Had a shower, hubby made breakfast and paid a few bills, then off we went. I put on my nice little Snowflake leggings for luck :)

We had no traffic and had left with plenty of time so there was no stress upon arrival. We actually we directed to wait in the "special" waiting room. Apparently there is a side waiting room. It's fancy and secluded. I'm thinking that is where people go before procedures to limit stress.

When they called us in, my bladder was very full. I got undressed, shimmied up on the table and she took a peak "Whoa! Your bladder is VERY full!"

Um, yup. Let's get this pony show on the road. 

After about ten minutes, I told my husband I had to empty at least part of my bladder. The nurse said no doubt and it was full enough I could count between 10-15. Sure enough, still plenty full when I got back to the room.

The doctor walked in and pulled out the photo of our wee one. One beautiful, hatched little embryo that looked perfect. He held up the photo to my and asked my husband "Looks just like her, right?" I really like our doctor. After my firing a few questions at him we found out that it was thawed last night. At that time it was just hatching, and by this morning, it was fully hatched and thriving. Our little guy / gal is ready to snuggle in.

They called back to the lab and had them bring in our babe. He inserted the tube into the catheter and it was the coolest thing. Last time, there was a bit of a glimmer on the screen, but today, there was a big white snowball that shot out of the catheter and snuggled in. I looked at the time on the monitor and it said 11:24:44. Come to find out, the clock on that was all wrong, because when I looked at my phone well after it was done it was 11:09. So...who knows the for sure time. I do know, both my husband and myself thought it was a magical moment.

After the all clear our tube was empty, I was instructed to lay for about ten minutes and then empty my bladder. So, waddle waddle waddle I went and took care of it.

After I got dressed, we had a nurse snap a photo of us before heading out. Here is our baby's first photo :)

We headed from there to acupuncture. It was a new woman there today who was very sweet. She did a few points on my head, ear, arms and legs and put a head lamp over my feet. She asked if I was cold and I said a bit so she pulled out this lovely, warm, snuggly fleece that lo and behold was covered in snowflakes. It made me smile.

After acupuncture, home again home again jiggidy jig. My friend had dropped off soup for us last night, so we warmed that up and watched a few of our favorite comedy shows to just relax and laugh. My hubby was so sweet to hook me up with some warming pads for my feet to keep them toasty warm.

Snuggle in wee one. We love you already.

We are a Go!

Feb. 11, 2016

Well, we are a go. Full steam ahead. My last monitoring visit was today. My lining is 9.7mm. Not as thick as I anticipated it being, but the doctor seemed pleased. He said it was almost ideal and the pattern was beautiful.

Last night, my husband got home from his business trip and we had the one versus two conversation again. He was leaning more towards two now. When he left it was a one. I feel like there's never a perfect answer. We both decided after chatting way too late about it, to pray, sleep on it and make the call this morning.

We decided that if it was a perfect embryo we will do one. If it degrades, we will do two. I wanted to chat with the doctor for his advice about when we should move on to two.

Traffic was a nightmare and I was a few minutes late, but it didn't seem to matter. The place is always packed, no matter what time I go. Thankfully, I did get a parking spot today. Sometimes I have to park down the street and walk in.

The doctor came in and during my exam we had the chat. I told him ideally we want a singleton pregnancy. It's safer, less stress and better financially. However, we want to be smart and of course will be blessed and happy if we have twins. I told him if we had the perfect lining and the perfect embryo again we'd do one, but are open to two if the embryo isn't great. He said ok and I kind of pushed, "what is your definition of not great." He told me the embryologist would grade them after thawing.

He said we could actually make the call the day of if we wanted to if the embryo was on the verge of good/great. I asked him flat out, your recommendation, when do we move to two. He said if it's "good" do two. The difference between excellent and good is immense when it comes to embryos. So...there we have it.

I got dressed, we met up in the office with a coordinator who wasn't typically mine (she was on vacation) and he put in the chart if it's excellent, thaw one. If good to fair, have them check with him to look at it and he'd make the call to do a second. I'd said right to my husband this morning "I just wish someone could tell us what to do." And, he did. So, poof! Thank you, God.

I LOVED this coordinator today. She is actually in charge of all the nurses there and is fabulous. She was soooooo sweet. We went over my meds, she gave me a few hints to make it less painful and avoid knots of oil in my muscle (massage and heat!) She also asked if I was combining my delestrogen and PIO shots so I could take one instead of two. Um, what? This is a possibility?

She went and snagged a few syringes and needles and showed me. You draw the delestrogen and PIO like normal. Draw air into the PIO so there is a large bubble on top and remove the needle. Take the delestrogen, put the end of the needle into the PIO and squirt it in. Put the needle to inject into the PIO and get the air bubbles out like normal. How did I not think to do this? Genius! She said she'd been trying to train her nurses to do this, but they never want to tell patients thinking they'll screw it up. She told me she'd done IVF herself in her 30s and knows how painful it is so if she can eliminate some of the shots and pain, she was all for it.

She also showed me how to inject the Lovenox and Heparin. Because I am slender, she told me it may be better for me to inject on my thigh. I guess they have a real tendency to bruise and get painful and she said I'd run out of stomach. Fortunately, I've got a lotta thigh ;)

Next, I they drew my blood. The woman wasn't my normal lab tech and she went through both sides of my vein. She couldn't figure out why blood wasn't coming out. Um, pull the needle back a smidge. Bingo. Turns out my estradoil is in a much better range than last time. My coordinator emailed it was ideal. Yay!

This evening, I went to acupuncture. I got along much better with the woman who does it. She did my needles and there were a few sensitive areas today. It's funny how she can insert a needle and I get tinges or little pains in other areas. When she put the one in the middle of my rib cage, but further down my stomach it was like electricity shot through in a cross pattern. Very strange. I really relaxed today. I'm going back Monday night at 6 pm then after my transfer Tuesday.

I'm feeling really good about things. I know it's all in God's hands and I just have to trust. I've a lot of wonderful women praying and sending positive thoughts.

God bless!

My New TCM

Feb. 5, 2016

My new TCM and I didn't gel very well. She's very competent and friendly, just has some strong opinions about my treatment. I get it. She wanted me here six months ago and she wants me coming every other day. Well, I wasn't there and not gonna happen. When I tried to tell her that she just flat out said "Why?"

"Um, well, I work, and have a child to care for and no insurance coverage."

"Well, you need to."

"Um, again, I work, and have a child so I don't have childcare that often, and once again, no insurance coverage. This is expensive."

"Well, you need to."

You get the idea. We could have gone around in circles all day.

When I walked in, it was a nice clean office and had about six or so acupuncture rooms. Much nicer than my old place. She walked in and was very fluent in English. I can also tell she does indeed specializes in fertility because she read my chart and knew and understood exactly what I was doing as opposed to my other TCM's (who I adore.)

She wanted me coming every other day to stimulate my blood flow and build my uterine lining. I get it. But, I also know these visits are $65 a pop. I tried explaining to her that I'd been going to acupuncture for 2 1/2 yrs so I wasn't starting at ground zero. I made the decision to do what I can and trust it will help. Her response?

"One visit will do nothing for you."

Well, ok then. She pretty much informed me I'd be coming three times next week, the day before transfer (since they aren't open early enough for me to come that day) and then directly after transfer. I'd go home and lay flat for three days without moving and then come back in ten days in a row. Um, not gonna happen.

So, she put the needles in, pretty much all the same main points as my other TCM so it was nice to verify they both knew what they were doing. She didn't do any of the hands or head points though. What really bothered me is she never checked my pulse. Not before or after which seemed bizarre to me. After she put my needles in and put the heat lamp on, she left. No nice music like my other place. I just lay there in the dark trying to relax but becoming increasingly stressed out and upset about all the money these stupid sessions were going to take. By the time she came back in, I was over it.

I went to pay and she pushed for me to come back Saturday, Monday, Thursday, Saturday and then Monday / Tuesday. I flat out told her I can't and again she pushed me. BECAUSE! I HAVE A CHILD AND NO CHILDCARE. I WORK. AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO COME THAT MUCH! Seriously lady! I agreed to TWO visits next week and the day before and day of. All the studies I read stress the before and after transfer so I'm focusing on that.

I also told her I would not be lying flat for three days and that I'd discussed it with my doctor. She told me "That's opposite of what other doctors say." "Well, studies show lying completely still restricts blood flow and lessons implantation" To which she responded "That makes sense I agree with your doctor." I figure I'll fight the ten visits in a row battle with her later. I didn't have the energy.

I really just wanted to go back to my old TCM and have her do the after transfer visit. I'm tempted. The problem is it's an hour drive both ways there (more with traffic) and an hour visit. It's so much quicker here since she's right in town. If my husband is in town next week maybe I'll have them do my acupuncture for my Thursday visit when I have my last ultrasound.

I also had to drive back to the clinic today. The coordinator called and someone had brought in 11 Lovenox. so yay! 11 less to buy. Interesting fact, you actually insert a giant air bubble into yourself with this shot. I'm so use to making sure all the air gets out that it surprised me. I'm glad she explained it because I would have instinctually removed it. She also stocked me on syringes and needles since I was about out. I chatted with the financial folks there because I'd remembered seeing a sign that prices increase March 1. Given my beta is Feb 29...that'd suck if this was an unsuccessful transfer. Here's to hoping this little babe or babes snuggle in.

I just have to share...my shot last night, it was like a geyser. I was so relieved my son wasn't there when I did it. I must have hit a vein because when I removed the needle, the blood absolutely shot across the room. After I grabbed my alcohol swab to stop the bleeding and mop up the floor I started laughing. It was like a cheesy horror film.

I did my castor oil pack while I sat here and worked today. My abdomen feels heavy. I think it's the meds and how the lining is building so quickly, but I don't remember that feeling last time so early in the cycle.

Anyway, I'm using a gift certificate to a massage tomorrow. Now that I fought off the aggressive TCM I'm going to relax and de-stress. When I meet her head on next week I'll flat out say, this is what I can do. I think some is better than none, so let's work with it.

God bless!

Monitoring Visit 2

Feb. 4, 2016

Back to the clinic this morning. I was feeling good going in. I've been making sure to walk everyday to get the blood flowing and my son is big into the Pow Wows in the evening so lots of dancing there. I've also been drinking my POM juice, doing my femoral massage and abdomen massage and even threw in a castor oil pack and steam for good measure.

The good news is...my lining is at a 9! It was at a 9 for my last visit before transfer last time, so to be a week ahead is great news. It also had a beautiful triple stripe pattern. Yahoo! I'm to up my meds per protocol to get it nice and fluffy.

I talked to my doctor a bit about a new study that is out and how women shouldn't lay there after the procedure but get right up. Although the studies show that as best, he said he'd still like me to lay for about 10 minutes. The increase in pregnancy wasn't huge (although when you are dealing with infertility, a 5% risk looks astronomical) because he said sometimes the uterus is contracting from the catheter. My thought is, I can't control everything about this, so I'm just going to trust him. I have so far.

We did chat a bit more about bedrest though and he thinks strict bedrest is counter productive. He just told me to kind of be a couch potato and treat myself right the day of transfer and that I could get back to normal the next day if I wanted or just continue to take it easy. Getting up and walking around a bit was just fine. He said the female body isn't meant to be sedentary and that adequate blood flow is good to ensure proper implantation. I'm glad we were on the same page. Sounds good to me. My issue this go round is the NO STRESS! I had a work implosion last time and really let that stress me out to tears the day of transfer. This time. Nope.

Today I go into my new acupuncturist. We shall see how it goes.

We're still having the one versus two debate. Neither of us know at all. When I spoke to the doctor he told me frankly that he doubts there'd be any issue with my uterus that would prevent the implantation so it'd be issue with the embryo most likely to prevent a success. We're basically betting on the embryos. Do we risk just one again and have a no go and repeat this whole thing? If we transfer both and neither take, his thought is they were both duds and we saved ourselves another unsuccessful transfer? If they are both perfect...we may get twins. We put two in we've 21% chance of twins, but 70% chance of pregnancy. We put one in, we've 50%.  Decisions decisions.

We've just decided to pray about it and how we felt led jump in with two feet. As difficult as times have gotten in the past, I know there's always been a reason and I've never been dealt an issue we haven't faced head on, lived and learned from. If it's twins. It's twins and we'll count ourselves blessed.

A mommy friend who's experienced her own trials with infertility told me go for it. She said I put three in, three implanted, two had a heart beat and at the third appointment only one remained. You never know, so go for it and trust.

I had another woman in a mommy group reach out and offer me some of her unused meds as well. I am constantly surprised and humbled by people's generosity.

We haven't really told many people this time about our transfer. After the last, I just needed to experience this one privately. Well, except for all of you...and my mommy group...and my infertility groups...and... LOL You get the picture. My husband's parents at one time knew we were looking at Feb, but have never asked questions and neither of us have expounded. I just told my step mom and dad a few days ago. Other than that, a few close, close friends.

I'll keep you posted...

God Bless.

Back in the Saddle Again - Day 1

January 29, 2016

Back in the saddle, er, stirrups again. We are a go for transfer numero dos!

Sorry I've been MIA. I honestly needed a break from the whole fertility thing. The holidays were absolutely amazing and I had a really nice time kicking back with family. We hit the ground running when we got back to town and I did some travel for work. I got to go to Sundance for the first time and I loved it! My goal - make it a yearly tradition.

I'd started my birth control early Jan and my last day was the 24th. Which brings me to my baseline ultrasound this morning. I'll be completely 100% honest with you. I've been very lax, almost indifferent heading into this transfer. I know it was from not letting myself get too excited like I did the last time, but today, being there, I started to get optimistic and excited again. It really stemmed from my doctor.

He is just so wonderful. I was sitting in the stirrups for almost an hour. He sent his apologies but he was in a procedure - no biggie. I wouldn't want him rushing mine either. Caught up on Facebook. Because, what else do you do nowadays when you're killing time, right?

When he came in, even though he was running late, he was very patient with me and I never felt rushed. My lining was super thin, like he wanted it to be starting out and I had not a single follicle to be seen, which kind of reassured me this was the right thing to do. After he finished, he told me to get dressed and meet up in the other room.

I had my whole list of questions to go through with him.

#1. After reviewing my chart do you want to revise treatment at all?

No. He was happy with my lining and felt good about the protocol. I did ask if it was possible to do extra PIO everyday instead of endometrin (because it is SOOOO expensive. Think $6-$8 per pill three times a day for your whole first trimester. Ouch.) He said that he felt it absorbed better in the uterus than PIO, but once I was pregnant, he'd consider switching me to just PIO.

He did however suggest I consider Heparin or Lovenox. He said he didn't know if it'd help, but it certainly wouldn't hurt. He thought if there were any issues with implantation or my body rejecting the embryo this may take care of it. Since our embryo last time was such good quality, something to consider. Heparin is cheaper, but you take two shots. The nurse said it also burned more and caused more bruising. Lovenox is quadruple the price but in single vials. (Side note, I posted about the difference in a mom group I am in and someone was kind enough to offer to donate their meds. People truly are AMAZING and generous, especially in the infertility community.)

#2. Are we still looking at the same probabilities for success?

He said 50-60% for one embryo, 70%- a little higher for two embryos and of those about 30% chance of twins. So...doing the math - about a 21% chance of twins if we do two embryos. When I rationalize it this way - we had a 60% chance and were unsuccessful last time - 21% really shouldn't scare me.

#3. Should we monitor progesterone throughout the cycle?

Nope. He said he doubles up on progesterone with PIO and endometrin and there should be adequate amounts. Testing for progesterone is not accurate because of the way it is absorbed.

#4. What were his thoughts on embryo glue.

He basically told me he thought it was a lot of hype. It's essentially a protein mixture that the embryo is put in. He said it was a $500 additional charge and if he thought it would help he'd suggest it, but he didn't think it was worth it or would offer any advantages. I really appreciated his not trying to upsell me and being honest.

#5. His thoughts on endometrial scratching.

He said it was something he typically did after a woman had recurrent unsuccessful IVFs or miscarriages. He said he essentially roughed up the cervix and the theory was my body would go into overdrive repairing itself and building a thicker lining and be more receptive to implantation. He said he felt like it might help and certainly wouldn't hurt. He QUICKLY said, well "It WILL hurt. Very much, but it won't hurt your chances." He said if we were going to do it though, it had to be today. Gulp. How much is it? "Oh, no! I wouldn't charge you. If you want to do it, I can do it right now." Seriously? Not charge me? Sign me up.

So, off I went to undress from the waist down. Again. He said he'd insert the speculum like when you get a pap and insert a little tube so he could get in to where my uterus is. He used this little object, which felt like a daggar to scrape around the lining. And. It. Hurt. BAD. It was a minute of my gripping the table. He felt awful. He did his countdown. Thirty more seconds. Holy hell. I kept trying to consciously tell myself to relax relax relax.

When he was done, he was very apologetic and told me to lay there 5-10 minutes to gather myself and when I was ready come back into the office. After a few minutes I stood up and my legs were shaky as I readied myself.

After that, it was back to the office where I filled out some paperwork, collected my prescription, made my appointment for next week and was told what to price in case I decided to do the Lovenox or Heparin. And, I was on my merry way.

I swung into Walmart with my trusty GoodRX app, which if you don't have, you SHOULD! Way cheaper than some of the fertility pharmacies and picked up my Estrace and Medrol. My wonderful, wonderful friend was so kind to donate her unused meds from her last cycle to me so I have delestrogen, some endometrin and PIO here waiting.

This evening my coordinator called and told me my estrogen was perfect. PERFECT! It was 100 last time, so high, but they attributed it to my being on birth control. This time, coming off birth control it was 5. Just where they want it. Now to build up a nice thick lining. I'm drinking my POM juice and my son and I had a dance party to get my blood moving.

I'm just gearing up for my first shot to the tush of this cycle. All in all, feeling good. Pretty optimistic. Once my period is done, I'll do a few castor oil packs and V-steams. I'm trying out a new acupuncturist next Thursday just down the street from me. My hope is she can do two before transfer and one the day of.

We've been incredibly blessed. Every time I start to panic, I find a blessing. My friend who gave me her meds. The mom in my lovely mom group who donated her meds to me as well. A reader here (you know who you are) who found my fundraiser and donated anonymously to me. A cousin of mine donated money to us, completely shocking me. Ever since he heard what we were doing he'd been putting aside money from every paycheck. It literally brought me to tears.

It's so easy to get overwhelmed, but my life is good. I love my son. I love my husband. I laugh daily. I know, trust and believe that every need we have along the way is provided for. God is in control and he will be in control this cycle as well. The woman taking my blood today told me to relax. When I stress, my liver functions poorly and the cycles aren't as successful. I know that with my head. I will keep reminding my heart.

God Bless!

Update

Dec. 9, 2015

Not a whole lot to report on the fertility front. My period was super SUPER light, like wear a liner light. It's amazing to me that when I went to my baseline my lining was 2.4mm and I blend heavier than I am now with I had a 10mm lining. I'm trying to wrap my head around that. I was seriously prepared for the heaviest period I've ever experienced. Hm...

We were thinking of a January transfer, but I think we may actually postpone until February Timing wise, I was going to be out of town until Jan. 3, and my coordinator is out of the office on medical leave and rather unresponsive. I think I'd have had to have started my birth control pills by now to work with the time line she anticipated.

But, even more exciting, I was contacted by a producer who'd interviewed me when I was doing publicity eons ago for some films I was in and he asked me to come down to Sundance to talk on a panel. He also said he'd give me a space for free in one of the celebrity suites to chat about oils. I've always wanted to go to Sundance and my hubby and I think it's a great opportunity on all fronts for me. So...that'd put me out of town Jan 21-24 anyway so basically unavailable for a later in January transfer.

With everything going on, we chatted about it and requested that I get my baseline right after that trip putting us in an early February. transfer. I'm waiting for my coordinator to get back to us, but that makes the most sense. I figure a few more weeks is just a few more weeks. I did also ask to chat with the doctor to review if we should change up the protocol and the scratching and embryo glue. I want to get his take on all of it.

Still wrestling with the one versus two scenario. I'm thinking we should just do one again, but then I get that nagging voice telling me to go with two. I'm sure it'll be clear when we need to pull the trigger. It was last time.

I still haven't called my TCM back. I'm wrestling with trying one more local out here versus the hour drive each way to where I was going. Part of me is also just enjoying not dealing with any fertility crap right now. No herbs. No acupuncture. No special diets or supplements. I'm just really kind of relaxing and letting the chips fall where they may. I'm sure I'll feel differently the closer we get, but for now, with everything going on...I just don't have the time. Our house is chaos with workers and adjusters in and out. I think the New Year will just feel sooooo much more settled.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays!

God Bless!

NEGATIVE

Nov. 30, 2015

NEGATIVE.

I'd prepared myself, but what a blow. I honestly felt at peace yesterday, but I just feel raw all over again. I know there is no rational reason why this didn't work. Ya think I could quit going over it all in my head? Yeah, you'd think...

This morning I woke up early and drove all the way to Pasadena trying to dodge morning traffic and trudged up to the third floor. Sitting in the waiting room I really took a look around. All those people. All those desperate people. All they want is babies. I felt a kinship with them. It sucks.

I was called back and went to the lab and pulled my Sharps container that was filled to the brim out of my purse.

Exhibit A:

The nurse laughed with me saying how tough us women were. She was telling me about how her husband was whining he had a headache yesterday and all I she could think was "Yeah, I do to, and a back ache, and a pulled shoulder, and and and, but I still cleaned 30 windows and cooked dinner." We laughed. She said "Good luck" and I gave a half-hearted smile.

As I went to financial to check out, the receptionist gave me a HUGE smile and asked if I'd "cheated." I said "Yes, not good news, but still keeping hope alive." She said "You must." I asked her to give my coordinator a call and see if I could get a new Sharps container from her. You know...in case. If not, I'd need it next time anyways.

I asked her if negative the plan of attack and she said a January transfer, that he won't cycle me during the holidays in December. Fair enough. She said when she called after they reviewed my labs they'd have more concrete answers.

So, I sat. And sat. And sad. She finally called just after 3:30 and confirmed it was negative. She said I would get a period and to email her my first day and they'd tell me when to start birth control. I'm so irritated I have to go back on that, but they want a bleed before my January cycle.

So. Square one.

I told my husband last night I might interview a few TCM out my way. The one I go to is an hour each way and it just eats into my weekends. And, I'm not thrilled that they kept doing "bring back menstruation" acupuncture right up until the end instead of the last day when they changed it to "hold pregnancy." They'd been giving me the incorrect herbs until that point as well. I really want to see if someone out here fits and works out financially who will also do acupuncture right after transfer.

I did ask my coordinator on the phone if they can check my progesterone midcycle next time to ensure I was getting enough to hold a pregnancy. She said they typically don't, but they'd be happy to put the order in for me.

I was also reading about endometrial scratching and embryo glue. I figure, why not discuss all options with the doctor. I'll cover those more in another blog.

For now, I told my hubby to pick up champagne on this way home from the gym. Nothing to celebrate, but I didn't drink it in a mimosa on Thanksgiving Day just in case, and I've wanted it sense. Why the hell not, right?

My mom was suggesting I drink some high caloric drinks to gain weight before the next round. I told her nonsense. How ideal it's right after Christmas. I'll put my 5-7 lbs of holiday weight to good use.

So, huge bummer, but I'll just put on my big girl panties, dust myself off and we'll start this all over again in a month. Silver lining - no hideous shots tonight. I can barely walk today, so my ass will have time to recoup in the interim. Right?

God bless.

12dp5dt

Nov. 28, 2015

Thank you for all the kind words and inspirational stories. So many people messaged me to keep hope alive of stories of negative HPTs and positive betas. Thank you. I DO know it is possible and there will always be a shred of hope I carry with me. I'm just trying to prepare myself in case there is a negative outcome. And, if there is, we'll just dust ourselves off and move forward and try again.

I will admit taking those shots last night plain sucked. I'd lie to say I wasn't bitter doing it last night. I just kept telling myself if it IS negative I only have tonight and tomorrow night left...if it does turn out to be positive, I'll happily continue for as long as necessary.

My one friend who had offered to sell me the rest of her leftover meds which I was going to buy when I got my positive texted me last night they are mine for my next cycle. I was really touched she offered to give them to me. That'll take some burden off when we begin our next round.

We also took the plunge and have our fundraisers. I'm still not ok asking people for money publicly. I just have a very difficult time asking people in that capacity. Our Bravelets fundraiser is doing double donations this Tuesday Dec. 1. Instead of a $10 donation per item, it will be $20. Considering the bracelets start at $25 not a bad deal.

And we have our Equal Exchange fundraiser as well if people are buying Christmas gifts for others.

I believe everything will work out.

I spent the greater part of last night lying awake thinking of everything I possibly did wrong. My husband and myself had a lot of tense moments the day of the transfer and an argument before. My boss, who I told I would not be working for two days sent me a rather rude email criticizing my work and I did five hours of free work for her reviewing a claim I'd submitted. Was all that anger and negativity bad for the baby? Should I not have gone to that audition? Was it not eating the stupid pineapple right away? Not listening to my TCM who told me to wait until I was stronger (bear in mind they've been saying this for two years - when, seriously will I ever be...) Was it my being too light? I've gotten back down to under 100. Day of transfer I weight myself at my friends and I was 100 lbs 8 oz with jeans and a sweatshirt on.

Probably none of the above. I know this mentally. I did use my oils liberally last night for sleep and even resorted to melatonin. Thankfully my husband let me take a nap this morning and I crashed for an hour and a half.

I'm feeling better today and more optimistic. If my beta isn't positive (like I said, shred of hope) I'm interested to hear if I can do a cycle back to back. I posted the question in my EA support forum and most people were able to do so. With the Christmas holiday, I'm not sure if it will be feasible. I just really wanted to avoid having to do another round of birth control in between. Knowing I'd have a solid bleed and start from scratch sounded promising.

On the flip side, like my husband said, if I can't do a back to back cycle, I will live it up this holiday and enjoy some spirits. Probably not the best way to physically prepare my body, lol. But, I admire his attitude.

I also have it all playing in my head what in the world should I do with our healthcare. I have to pick a plan and I was hoping to pick a low deductible plan for pregnancy. However, if I'm not pregnant, continue on the cheaper plan with the high deductible. The options for Covered CA are pretty miserable. None are good. I'm sickened how much out of pocket costs there are. I know the whole Obamacare helped a lot of people - it just really hit us hard. It raised our co-pays, deductibles and out of pockets and our premiums went up considerably in the process. So many things to think about. I still don't know what we will do for healthcare next year. I have to decide if we'll pay the big bucks for a plan that will cover pregnancy not leaving us $10,000 in out of pocket. Or pay $1000 a month for a plan that will only leave us with co-pays and no deductible. The options for self employed are grim.

Anyway, thank you again for your sweet stories. I was amazed how many of you have little miracles running around from late low betas, or slow doublers that your clinics cautioned you with not being optimistic. Amazing how life finds a way.

Monday will tell us how we'll more forward, and regardless what that news is...move forward we will. Thanks for the love.

God bless!

11dp5dt - Looking like bad news

Nov. 27, 2015

Well, it's 11dp5dt. I broke down and tested. BFN

I actually peed in a cup yesterday but couldn't get the nerve. My intention was to test when I got home from our gatherings. I knew testing before was bad. I stared at that cup on my counter forever and dumped it right down the toilet. I told my husband if it was negative I wouldn't be able to give myself my shot last night. He told me to test whenever I was ready although I knew he was chomping at the bit.

I read a bit of Nerida's book last night "God's Plan for Pregnancy" and I happened to flip to a chapter and read a paragraph saying if you were fearful of testing, that didn't lie in faith. It felt like the answer I needed. The past several days I kept chanting to myself "My Faith is Stronger Than My Fear."

Right now, I feel a little lost. Not in my faith necessarily. I prayed before testing and told God that no matter what, I loved him, I'd never forsake him and stand by him, but please please please please please...

I won't say there is a reason for this. Honestly, that's crap. There isn't one. I'm upset and sad. Really upset. Really sad. My silver lining is my husband was incredibly supportive, even more than I thought he'd be. We both were hit hard by this. I honestly didn't know how he'd feel about doing another round and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "We're doing another round. We're transferring two and if God's wants us to have twins, we're having twins."

What really sucks about all this is, it's hard enough seeing that negative after everything we've been through. It's an absolute punch in the gut because so much of my anger, tears and panic lie in the fact, I've no idea how in the hell we're going to pay for this. We scrimped and saved to put something together for the first and are still paying it off. I've honestly no clue.

I made us cinnamon rolls for breakfast with my little helper. I'm pretty certain more cinnamon, sugar and butter found it's way into his mouth than the roll. Not nutritious in the least, but it's OUR Thanksgiving and it seemed like a delicious breakfast, so we ate our sorrows away.

Afterwards my husband suggested I go for a walk. He'd stay here with Reed. Before I left, he stopped me and said WE are a family. We're not going to let this rip us apart. We're going to chose to be grateful for what we have and have FAITH that we WILL get pregnant and have another child. We both vocalized part of the grief we feel is that financial strain. It just plain sucks. To lose that baby, or embryo, or whatever anyone wants to call it is just painful enough, but knowing if we had the money we could just dust off and try this again...but we can't. It ANGERS me!

I went for a long walk and cried like a freak. My neighbors probably thing I'm a nut job. I'd regain my composure and start all over again.

I know it's ridiculous and my head tells me better, but I feel like it's my fault. My body. Of my not doing enough bedrest. Or doing TOO much. Or not insisting my TCM do acupuncture or after. Or, my stupid body that doesn't cooperate or isn't fertile. Or or or. I know in reality it probably has nothing to do with me and was probably an embryo with chromosome issues, but I'll always have that playing in the back of my mind.

My heart hurts if that embryo WAS good and my stupid body wouldn't allow it to have the life it deserved.I just honestly feel broken all over again like when I was diagnosed. It's silly and I'm ashamed but I do feel like I've let my husband down and let my kid down. My son still walks around telling me there is a baby in his belly. In fact he woke up from a nap two days ago and when I asked how his nape was he told me "My baby woke me up. She kicked me in my belly." Our friends had a baby two days ago and I was explaining his friend is now a big brother and he told me he wants to be one. ugh.

Not my most upbeat post. I'm sorry. I'm just filled with anger and sadness and confusion right now. I'm just really struggling with how we can do this again financially. How I can do it emotionally. We kind of feel like we just want to do it right away. I don't know if I want to wait, do the whole birth control again. My body never really had a full of period after it. Maybe this time I can shed my whole lining and start fresh.

I text our family the news. I just really couldn't stomach having to call everyone. Everyone just said maybe it's too early. It's 11 days past transfer or the equivalent of 16 DPO, 17 really if it was indeed a 6 day embryo. I suppose there is always a chance there will be a beta on Monday, but I know the chance is minute. A few friends called and my mom did straight away. I could tell she was crying on the other end too.

I called the clinic to come in today and get it over with, but they are closed. The thought of taking these meds and the shots especially for three more days just makes me want to vomit. My butt is sore beyond belief and I can't find a position to sleep at night. Doing it knowing there could be a baby made it bearable. Now, it just seems stupid. I'll continue on the chance there is a late implanter, but...

And, damnit, I'm having a small glass of wine with dinner. If I'm making this whole Thanksgiving dinner and there was a negative test, I'm having a drink.

Well, I typically try and keep my posts upbeat, but there ya have it. I'm a bitter, depressed mess right now. I haven't answered anyone's texts and I don't know when I intend to.

I'm so grateful and thankful for my husband and son. I swooped my little guy up for a proper snuggle straight away. I haven't been able to pick up my little guy and it felt good to carry my little koala around for a bit.

I can't stomach this is a reason for this, but the only silver lining I see was this last transfer was filled with so much tension between my husband and I. If it took this stupid experience for us to have more patience with each other and support, than I suppose that is best for our family and each other long term. That's all I got right now...

God bless!

8dp5dt

Nov. 24, 2015

Well, day 8 here. And NO, I haven't tested since day 5. lol I'm getting texts, calls, messages. We've such a great support network. I think I'm driving everyone mad. But, way too much riding on this for me. I just have no desire to test yet. I pray multiple times a day for God to just reveal the time I should. I know that sounds silly to some people, but I just need to be in a peaceful place.

Yesterday I did however start cramping again. After not having symptoms for four days, it was actually a welcome sign. I'm not sure what cramps mean that far after transfer - good or bad, but to feel like "something" was going on felt good.

When I dropped my son to school I kept getting little shooting pains on my lower left side or my uterus area. They'd come and go, but it got to feel more crampy throughout the day.

I had a lot of fun. I was able to go in for my son's lunch time yesterday to hang with him and bring his birthday treats for class. He was so proud to have me there. He warms my heart so. He did raise his shirt halfway through lunch and scream across the classroom "Mommy, my baby's in my belly." I've a feeling his teachers will know RIGHT away about this pregnancy :)

I hit a vein for the first time last night. I was giving the shot to myself and I did the little pullback trick and everything. I didn't really see blood, but when I removed the needle, it POURED out of me. Argh. I hope some of the meds got in me. I DID see blood in the syringe when I pulled it out. Oops. I guess I need to pull back further to draw the blood farther to see? Well, learn as I go I suppose.

It's a Tuesday, so my son is home from school - he only goes to preschool M/W/F so we're going to head to the park. I suppose I should go to the store this morning and get some Thanksgiving stuff - YIKES Thanksgiving snuck up! Thankfully I'm not cooking for our family until Friday so that baby will have time to thaw. I told my husband I'm not certain how I'm suppose to lift the turkey since it's over my "required" weight limit, but I'm sure I'll be fine.

I'm not sure how much I buy that don't lift anything anyways. I get right after transfer, but the reality is women have been lifting stuff from the beginning of time. I know pregnancy makes ligaments looser and women more prone to injury, but I've found nothing in my research how it can hurt a baby or prevent implantation. I'm trying to listen to my doctor and not lift though. My son is getting much better at understanding I can't lift him. We just do extra snuggling on the couch and floor.

Well, wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I'm sure I'll update again before then.

God bless!

TCM, Moxa, and Embryos Oh My!

Sept. 28, 2015

I feel like my updates are lagging. I intended to post after my last TCM appointment, but it's been nearly two weeks since I went, so, here goes.

My appointment once again began with a flurry of back and forth between my doctors with me trying to catch random words I've picked up over the last year and a half. I had two sets of hands checking my pulses and the general consensus was it was better than the previous week. My kidney channel was still weaker than they liked. So, off to the acupuncture table.

This time, they decided to really pull out all the stops and do Moxa. Now, they told me it was sage, but as I read up on it when I got home, traditionally Moxa is done with mugwort. I'll clarify next time. Sometimes the language barrier loses a bit in translation. You can learn more about Moxa here. The basic 411 is it brings warmth to my lady bits and mugwort (if that is what they used) is great for the uterus. A lot of TCM's use it for a stagnant or "cold" uterus and considering it's been almost seven months since my last period...it's rather stagnant.

There are different ways of doing it apparently, but they had a little contraption that looked like a little house with a chimney. The moxa stick went through the chimney, and it had elastic around it to tighten it to my body. There was a little screen on the bottom, lying on my stomach to catch any ash that fell. She still put needles in all the other spots that she traditionally did it in.

After about a half hour she came in and removed the moxa and applied needles where it was and turned on the heat lamp to ensure my abdomen was still being warmed. Afterwards, she told me to drink a lot of water as it had a detoxifying effect.

Since then, I've been strict with my supplements, my essential oils and castor oil packs. I did get my second batch of Yoni Steam in the mail so I've been using that as well.

I did get an update from my clinic with the embryo adoption. I'd contacted a few attorneys that agreed a contract was out of the question without a second party and that I would need a letter of release. If the clinic did not have one or would not draft one, I could hire them to do so. I sent all that info to my coordinator who then asked for examples. I found four clinics online that posted their contracts and sent it.

A lot of the verbiage had to do with FET or IVF in general so I said I thought most would be covered in their contracts, and suggested they use a similar letter of remittance the donors use and change the language for a recipient. They contacted their legal team and all of this was approved. So, thankfully, we don't need an attorney.

I spoke with my coordinator today who said the clinic is transferring ownership to us and as soon as that is updated in their computer, we can proceed. I'm waiting on her to order medical testing so I can contact my doctor to put in the order. After that, we need to establish our timeline with the doctor for transfer. Her estimate is November transfer and we should know if we are pregnant by or during December.

I'm hoping some of my meds are covered by my insurance. There appear to be nine medications that are traditionally used for FET. Doctors usually choose a few that they are most comfortable with. All, seem to be used for HRT for POF, so I'm hoping with my pre-existing condition that some are covered. If not, I applied for a discount pharmacy card at this site http://www.npsncard.com/

You know I'll be calling every pharmacy in town and checking every price online for the best deal ;)

I've been a bit overly emotional the last few days. I think everything has kind of hit me. I know November isn't far off, but I just want to move on with our lives. I feel like we've been suspended for over two years now and I keep catching myself in "woe is me moments" and shaking them off.

We are SO blessed. This has really taught me to slow down and treasure every second with my son, my husband, family, friends... And, to not take a second of my health for granted. I know a year from now I'll be reading back over this with a baby in my arms and all these moments of doubt and grief will seem insignificant.

My in-laws are coming to town this week so my husband and myself can sneak away for two nights together. It'll be really nice to reconnect and have adult conversation away from work, stress and "infertility" junk. I don't think people outside our "community" quite grasp how draining that is. For the most part, we are really balanced and I think handling it really well, but it does take a toll.

Before we head out I'll head to acupuncture on Saturday. Once we have a for sure transfer date, I'll begin weekly sessions with them to prime the pump so to speak.

God Bless.