April 14, 2018

April 14, 2018

Baby boy is 17 months! Wowza! We are still breastfeeding and going strong. In fact, I'm drowning in milk. I intentionally didn't pump this time thinking it'd tame my supply, but I was wrong. So, I gave up and started pumping, just for a few minutes a day because my breasts had marks from expressing. I've a freezer full and have been blessed enough to be donating to two families. One with a NICU miracle and one with a poor sweet baby who has horrendous eczema. Her mom suffers from a hormonal imbalance, and her breast milk was passing it to her baby. She came to pick up milk just covered in scales, bleeding. I felt horrible for her and worse for her poor baby girl. Thankfully, the milk seems to be helping. I've two dear friends on bedrest - one in the hospital since 27 weeks, the other just released from the hospital on strict bedrest now 31 weeks with twins. If either needs milk, I'll help. I figure, I can introduce pumping a bit if needed. Not my ideal long term, but feasible. I've a chest freezer full so my guy will have ample supply, even if I ever need to stop. It's strange, but since I started donating, I feel it's my civic duty so I don't mind pushing it for a bit of an oversupply. I was never able to donate blood because I was too petite and have hemochromatosis which nixed my chances, so I guess breastmilk is the next best thing, right?

I'm feeling pretty good. I've found if I forget to do my regimen of progessence plus and sclaressence I tend to feel it. I've also started including vitex (20 drops of a tincture) and two capsules of organic shatavari root per day to help support my hormonal system. I'd used them previously, and thought these two would be good to start up again as symptoms started increasing. They are both breastfeeding safe (of course chat with YOUR doctor should you choose to use them.) I've found when I follow my little protocol hot flashes and night sweats are diminished. Still keeping on with my other supplements. OmegaGize, Super Cal Plus, SmartyPants prenatals, Biosil and a Fulvic humeric blend of minerals, Natural Calm, NingXia red and my probiotic Life 9. I've started sulphurzyme once a day as well as it's high in MSM and wolfberry. I've started incoporating collagen as well to help with bone health. I still haven't had my follow up dexascan, but I'm feeling strong. It'll be interesting to see what it says when I go back.

The kids are great. S is a TALKER!! Holy moly! I've never heard a kid that young chatting up a storm. Full sentences and all. He's VERY smart. And, VERY stubborn. We will have our hands full. Very head strong. I guess he had to be to survive the freeze ;) Watching my two boys together seriously has to be the most heart warming thing I've ever seen. I love watching them together. They are best friends. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing. I cannot even think of my life without the two of them in it. My oldest son is now asking for a sister. He wanted one before and apparently the dream still lives on.

Work has been going ok. It's really tough to manage everything. Sometimes I just sigh that my house isn't as clean as I'd like or I don't have the things I'd like (I'll be honest, I'm embarassed. My shoes are now 8 years old, have holes and are discolored, but I'll be damned if my kids ever think they don't have the best life ever.) I felt funny today going to my son's school. They were riding for St. Jude and all the other kids brought a bike. We didn't. He has a scooter. Living in a townhome, we don't have a yard or block for him to ride on, and it's an added expense. I was embarrassed. Silly, right? These parents are my friends, yet I still felt judged. I know...in my head. I started looking for a used bike when we got home regardless. I look at prices in MI and know it'd be sooooo much easier financially. Our life is here though. My husbands job. Acting. My kids friends.

Thankfully, I've been starting to teach more essential oil classes with great attendance. My dream is to move to JUST educating about healthier lifestyle options and acting. I tremble to think lifestyle choice could render other women infertile. It infuriates me these products are on the market and advertising is so one sided. I just put my blinders on and speak and know my truth. It's fulfilling to me hearing how beneficial they've been to people. I pray constantly others will just try something to proactively protect themselves. I also had a nice week of auditions. Nothing since, but it felt invigorating to be back out there. That is where my heart is. I feel so alive on set. Telling stories. I pray and trust I'll work back into it.

There are days I would love love love another child. Others I know how blessed I am with my two boys and how difficult another child would be time wise and financially. The reality is, that is totally in God's hands. At this point, we don't intend to transfer again and I was given less than a one in ten million chance of conceiving before and I'm sure it's only diminished. I'm trying hard to cherish every single second. I nurse S through naps, I spend time cuddling my oldest at night after prayers...and quite frankly...I'm ok with it. Before, I'd have been so panicked to get that extra bit of work in. Now, I know how important these moments are. I can stay up an extra hour at night to work if needed. Visiting my friend at the hospital on bedrest for twins should've scared me...but being there...made me sentimental about my own babies. We still have an embryo and there are days I just watch Seeley with that nagging feeling what if they'd grabbed a different straw...he'd still be frozen. Who is that child in the straw? Are they suppose to be with our family too?

I truly do love motherhood. Every stage. Sure, I get stressed. I lose my temper. I get tired, but I love it. I do. At my weakest moments, I take a breath and give myself grace. It. Is. Hard. Anyone who tells you differently is delusional, or far better than I. My husband really struggles. I don't know if he could manage another child and he's the first to admit that. At times I find myself thinking back to what I "thought" my life would be. In premarital classes we wanted four kids. We were open to adoption, fostering. If we had the money. Truly, if we didn't have financial concerns, I'd be all for more kids. For fostering. For all of it. Finances cause so much stress on a family. Marriage.

I'm getting excited to head home to Michigan this summer. We'll be there for five weeks. It's be great for the kids. Poor S has only met his family aside from Nonna and Papa once when he was tiny. We're also going to AZ over Memorial Day to spend time with my in-laws. The kiddos will love it. I dread the drive, but night time driving is the best bet and makes in manageable.

You know...life is funny. I've said it before, but I'm feeling rather sentimental tonight. When I got slapped with this diagnosis, I thought the world as I knew it was over. And, I suppose it was. But, WOW! Wow. Wow. I catch myself thanking God every day now. Had someone told me I'd find gratitude or meaning in all this back then, my eyes would have rolled so far back in my head, and I may have punched them in the face...but I have. I am so, so grateful for my son. I cannot fathom a life without him in it. At all. He is utterly perfect. I've no doubt at all, this was my path, and he was destined to be part of us. If you've been diagnosed or are considering egg or embryo donation or adoption or fostering, I implore you have an open heart. I cannot explain the immense love you feel. The blessing. The peace. Quiet yourself, pray, open your heart and mind. Maybe it's not an option for you, but maybe it is. I'm in a unique situation to tell you biological or otherwise (because I have both) you will love your child however they come. There is no "difference." There is no less love. I promise you.

I'm also grateful it opened my eyes to living consciously and taking responsibility for life choices. Are we always perfect? Nope. But every day I take care at what I bring into our home or my kids or myself and my husband come into contact with. I wasn't that vigilant before and it upsets me the outcome that could have had for our children. Shit happens. I get it, but the reality is, when I met with my geneticist, they explained that only 5-10% of cancers and health issues are genetic. The rest? Lifestyle choices and environmental toxins and factors. A whole lotta nope there. I can't limit everything, but I sure will limit what I can.

I read back through some of these blogs and I'm so aware of how much I've grown over these past four years. My life is not perfect, but I live full of gratitude now. A crappy thing turned into the most beautiful blessing I could have ever asked for.

Peace and love to you all. God bless.

Lump

Jan. 24, 2018

Ahhhh, the milk makers. Classy, right? Ok, I jest, kind of. I'm very prone to clogged ducts. I'm an oversupplier. So, when I found a lump a few weeks ago I shrugged it off. BUT, because I'm so prone to clogged ducts, I know them well. This was not so. No inflammation, no swelling, no pain, no milk backed up, no mastisis. No amount of massaging, heating, dangle feeding will make this one budge. So, may as well make sure it's nothing right?

I had a little health scare a month with a ginormous swollen lymph node. We're talking a golf ball on my neck. Mild panic around the doctors offices, sending me to the lab and xrays immediately, ushering me into specialists within 24 hrs, CTs and biopsies scheduled. Turned out, just an infection. I was able to cancel the CT and biopsy when the swelling went down on it's own considerable within 48 hrs. Within two weeks, it was gone.

So...I'm hoping this is all the same thing. It is on the same side...mental note to bring that up to the doc. Anyway, I went in today and she found the bump easily without my pointing it out. "Oh, yup. Right here. It kind of has something extending too." I felt that too, but thought it was my imagination.

It's hard. Pea size and right up against my chest wall. If you press it against the rib, it's very noticeable or dangle and press into the breast tissue. She said it could be a gamut of things. Cyst, fibrous tissue, possible even a node or duct that had a bit of infection - but I'd most likely be experiencing signs of infection, so we're thinking that's not it.

She asked if breast cancer ran in the family. Sadly, yes. Grandma, two aunts and a cousin. Any other female cancers like uterine or ovarian...well, yes, my mom. Oooookay. So, she also suggests genetic testing. My aunt and cousin didn't have the carrier for breast cancer, but my aunt on the paternal side didn't get it. I'm still optimistic I'm in the clear ;)

Because I'm breastfeeding, mammogram is ruled out. I'm under 40 with fibrous tissue and a lot of active ducts and nodes in there that'd just make it a nightmare to read. I'm grateful. I know mammograms save lives, but if we already KNOW there is a mass, unnecessary radiation doesn't sound ideal to me...and quite honestly ridiculously painful and messy - I pity the radiologist squishing all that milk out, and sounds like a barrel of clogged ducts and inflammation after. Ouch. She concurred. We'd be doing an unnecessary procedure where we know we'd move to diagnostic ultrasound anyway. (By the way, as I did some research ahead of time, most insurances now will allow breast ultra sounds once a year instead of mammograms if you know how to push the issue - no radiation and more detailed imagery. If they do require mammograms, you can always ask if your provider will do thermal imaging to lessen exposure to radiation.) So, ultrasound scheduled for next Thursday.

As I was with the nurse scheduling it, she came out and said as she was putting in the orders, she is trusting her gut...between family history and the feel, she wanted to put in an order for a diagnostic bilateral mammogram in case the u/s looks like further steps are necessary. She said it'd be good to have the order in place so they can do it immediately versus place the order, wait for her to sign off and around and around we go. They don't like to do those on nursing moms (explanation above) but she thought that'd be a necessary step at that point to see how far the growth extended to know the next plan of action. Hopefully, it will be a mute point and not required.

So, I play the waiting game again, to hopefully get the all clear :) I'm very optimistic all is fine. The lymph was a pretty horrifying sight, lol, and I remained calm throughout all that. My feeling was it's either nothing, or cancer, but caught way early with providers who were crazy proficient and moving very quickly and proactively. Same here.

Until then, toss up a few prayers for lumpy or nodey breasts. I'll slather on some peace and calming oils, have a few chats with the Big Guy upstairs and enjoy some extra cuddles and nursing sessions knowing these ladies have provided life, love and comfort to two little guys and they'll continue to do the job they were made to do as long as necessary.

God bless.

Milk Donation

Jan. 17, 2018

I touched yesterday on milk donation. I'm a chronic over producer. In the early days it irritated me. It was constant engorgement, discomfort, blocked ducts and pain. I still get annoyed time to time and wrestle with the occasional blocked duct - all you ladies out there doing the dangle feed...holla!

BUT, I realize how blessed I am. I never had to scramble for food or slave over lactation cookies (although those buggers are good, right?? or take additional supplements like fenugreek or brewers yeast.) Don't get me wrong - fed is best and thank God for formulas, right? There are kids though that can't tolerate formula or need a little extra support breast milk can provide.

I filled up my chest freezer to the brim. There ain't no more room in there. With my first son, I had to wean at 14 months and my stash got us to 18 months of liquid gold. Now that S has officially hit 14 months and I'm still going strong nursing and my health is good, I feel comfortable giving away some of that to a baby that needs it. I wrestled 46 bags out - about 250 oz and donated it today to a mom whose son was in the NICU for several months. He came very early and she's only able to produce about 1 oz at a time. I felt so good that my milk didn't go to waste as it was creeping up on the 9-12 month mark.

I didn't know about Human Milk 4 Human Babies until I was trying to donate it to anyone local and someone clued me in. Ladies - if you are an overproducer - get in there. If you are an underproducer and would like to supplement with donated milk - get in there! Search Human Milk 4 Human Babies and your state on Facebook. NO SELLING! Ugh. A nightmare of a woman in there with a sob story about needing milk for her baby was just caught accepting DONATED milk and selling it - karma baby. Karma! Makes me sick.

There are organizations you can use to donate to hospitals as well, but this mama drinks a cup of coffee in the am and uses essential oils which some programs don't allow. Heck, most don't allow any supplements aside from prenatals and some are very strict on your diet. In this group, you share honestly your lifestyle and people choose to accept your milk if it fits their stipulations. Example, some babies can't tolerate dairy, so list that as a recipient you need donated milk no dairy - or search a donor for a no dairy diet.

I'll be real with you. My child...is the result of donation. He would not EXIST without the sacrifice, heart and love of our donors. Finding this group has given me an excitement to maybe repay that in a teeny tiny microscopic way.

Human Milk 4 Human Babies!

Get in there!

Mindful Living

Jan. 16, 2018

I was heading to bed last night, and while I was praying, this blog kept coming to my mind. When I started it, it was all about healthy living and changes to support my health. It was more focused on fertility at the time, but my attitude of the TCM philosophy of whole body wellness certainly has carried over into my family's day to day life.

It's funny, but this whole health crisis has done so much good for our life. Ironic, isn't it? The thing that just devastated me...saved me. I remember HATING the phrase "everything happens for a reason" and although I don't like it, because it diminishes actual pain and hurt you are experiencing at the time, there is an element of truth to it.

Without POF, I would never have analyzed our lives and found healthier solutions. I certainly wouldn't have our son. I cannot FATHOM that! We rid our lives of so many unnecessary toxins like candles, air fresheners, cleaners, personal care products with known endocrine disruptors (HELLO INFERTILITY RED FLAG!!!) We've attempted to eat whole, organic foods, although I will admit, I am not as good as I once was in this department. Working full time, taking care of the kids, I fall prey to more packaged foods than I care to, but I AM more conscious of the ingredients that are in them at least.

Premature Ovarian failure was my wake up call. Although this blog is all about my journey with fertility and embryo donation, it started as my journey back to health and wellness, so I'm taking the reigns again...although I may not be taking back my ovaries, I am sharing how I took back my life!

Bookmark www.ewg.org This will be your new bible. Download Think Dirty on your smart phone. You will scan scan scan all your products at the store with this.

First - get rid of the crap in your home. Seriously. Get rid of it. Any candle, air freshener, fragrance warmer - trash it. TRASH it! These are the LEADING causes of infertility and indoor pollution. You want lovely scents, stick with a diffuser.

Next, get rid of your cleaners with harsh chemicals. They are bad for you. They are bad for your kids. They are bad for your pets. They are bad for the environment. You do NOT need harsh chemicals to have a safe, clean environment. Vinegar, baking soda, non toxic cleaners will be your best friend. I make no secret, I love Young Living, and Thieves cleaner is where it's at. Seriously. It's like $22 wholesale for a bottle of concentrate that makes 20 bottles. It works out to about a buck a bottle and it is SAFE. It's BY FAR the best cleaner I've ever used and if you look up clinical studies it cleans as effective as bleach, lysol or any others on the market. You will not find an organic, plant based, non toxic cleaner anywhere that cheap. It smells awesome, and my five year old is in charge of cleaning.

Your dryer sheets. Trash them. They release harmful chemicals, are horrid for the environment and have endocrine disrupting fragrances that you not only breathe in while you dry your clothes, but then you actually WEAR them against your skin. Use wool dryer balls like these. These will shorten your dry time by 15 minutes or so and reduce static cling. If you have issues with static, put a safety pin in one. If you like your clothes to smell good, drop some essential oil on there. Some of my favorites are Purification, Lavender or Orange. Buy them here.

Stick with safer laundry detergents. Thieves laundry detergent is great. Rockin Green detergent in great. We love using our Eco Egg. Make sure you get the fragrance free - it uses minerals and you can do about 720 loads for under $40. Super cheap and effective.

Essential Oils are the big thing in our family we use to support our wellness. Things like Thieves, which has clove (high on the ORAC index for antioxidant) is something we use to support our immune systems daily. These are the essential oils I hold near and dear after experimenting with a lot of brands and doing a lot of research. You can do more research on this brand here. I choose oils for my family's wellness because they can literally support every single body system naturally, effectively and safely when used properly. A brief 101 email course is here.

I always encourage people starting out to invest in a Premium Starter Kit because it's affordable and takes the guess work out of what you need starting out. It already has the diffuser, and has eleven essential oils and blends that are the most popular, daily use oils. As a wholesale member you're privvy to 24% off retail pricing on all their oils, wellness products, supplements, cleaners, personal care, makeup, etc. You also can opt to enroll in their essential reward program and can be plugged in to all our educational groups. It's the introductory offer Young Living has where you get about $360 worth of products for $160. Well worth the investment in my opinion (and by now you know how thrifty I am...) It's literally supported every single body system including our immune, respiratory, limbic, hormonal, endocrine, skeletal, muscular,etc helped promote restful sleep, supported concentration, focus, energy, mood...did I mention one of the blends is literally called Stress Away.

We also use elderberries as a way to support our immune system. I buy them whole and make syrup, but you can purchase it premade as well here. I follow the wellness mama's recipe for syrup as well as the gummies. I've tweaked her recipe to include NingXia and Thieves.

Elderberry NingXia Red Thieves gummies

1 cup elderberry syrup
1/4 cup NingXia red
1/4 cup hot water
1/4 cup gelatin powder
Thieves vitality essential oil
silicone gummy bear molds

Add gelatin to 1/4 cup room temperature NingXia Red and whisk together. Add 1/4 cup hot water to dissolve. Add one cup elderberry syrup and add five drops Thieves vitality.

This usually makes enough to fill the above gummy molds and two mini muffin pans halfway. I give my five year old three gummies, one year old one gummy, and my husband and myself have a muffin tin gummy.

As far as things I use to support my body overall, I've continued taking my Smarty Pants prenatal vitamins. I like these in particular because they use folate not folic acid. They also do not contain iron. As someone with hemochromatosis, I can't have iron.  Other pregnant and breastfeeding women supplement with other iron supplements in addition to this. Some popular ones I've heard of are Rainbow Light  or Vitmamin Code.

I take an awesome bio available calcium supplement called Super Cal Plus sourced from red algae. It's a Young Living product. I was also very happy with Garden of Life calcium. Both of those option have the appropriate D3, K2 and magnesium to make absorption of the calcium possible in your body. Do NOT take a calcium supplement without those three additional vitamins. It can lead to calcification of the arteries. Your body does not absorb in into the bones.

Another thing I've learned in regards to bone health is the important of silica. When I learned about POF and heard all the horror stories about osteopenia and osteoporosis, everyone just stressed calcium. They are all not the same (see above) but no one told me about the PRECURSOR to your bones building themselves. They need silica to convert into collagen to convert into bones. Mind blown. A lot of the meds on the market harden your bones. What does that do...well, think of a vase. You drop it. It shatters. Do you want your bones doing that? Bones should be malleable. You want them strong, but they are living.

Look into a high quality silica. I use Biosil. I buy the drops like this and put them in capsules like this. You can also buy premade capsules of Biosil like this...making my own is just more cost effective ;) You can also drink Diatomaceous Earth. That's right - dirt!! It's incredibly high in silica which is beneficial for bones, teeth, nails and hair. Also, very cheap! Be sure you get food grade! You can also mix a grass fed collagen like the gelatin powder listed in the gummy recipe to up your collagen intake as well. A lot of people are deficient in magnesium so if the calcium above still don't do the trick, I recommend epsom salt baths (magnesium is absorbed best through the skin) or using Natural Calm Magnesium. You can also get a magnesium oil to rub on your feet at night before bed.

I take a high quality fish oil. I use Young Living's OmegaGize, but you can also get a great plant based DHA/EPA called Deva that is a vegan formulation. I like the OmegaGize also has CoQ10, which was important to my health before. I do take Vitamin C from Young Living as well, but I'm sure there are some great additional ones on the market.

I have started to embrace Apple Cider Vinegar. Bragg is an excellent brand that is raw and unfilited. It has the mother in it. I didn't put a link, because it's cheaper at a grocery store than online. You can just drink a bit in warm water with honey.

I love love love Progessence Plus. It is a Young Living serum, and it contains wild yam. Do your research on wild yam and see if it'd be beneficial to you. There are several supplements they have to support hormonal health, but as a nursing mom, I choose to wait until I wean my son to do anything that'd support hormonal function. I'm trusting God is keeping things running smoothly to keep my milk coming.

Whew...I think that is all the key things. I'm sure throughout the next few days I'll keep thinking of more and come back to edit and add. We've really come to view our bodies as things we support BEFORE there are issues. I equate it to a car. You fuel it up. It runs. You change the oil. It keep ticking. You rotate and air the tires. They work. You don't...disaster. The engine burns out. You get a flat tire. A small $2 fix turns into a $2000 fix.

I encourage you to get some exercise. Get your sleep. Meditate or pray. Practice preventative care. Find your happy. I started this journey to find health and happiness, and although it's a constant journey, I've learned so much along the way about self love.

In other news, I've a chest full of milk and found a wonderful organization called Human Milk 4 Human Babies. If you are on Facebook and overproduce, or under produce, look up your state. I feel so at peace that some of my excess milk is helping a little guy who was born 12 weeks premature. There are so many babies in need and so many moms who want to help people out who don't produce enough.

God bless!

Game On ~ The Herbs Commence

Feb. 21, 2014

My last day of acupuncture…for now. Today was surprisingly relaxing. Normally I can’t tune out everything going on around me, but today, it was peaceful. She said my pulse was good. That’s a first. Normally, it’s getting “better” but she actually seemed pleased at how strong it was before she put the needles in.

Normally, they hurt for a second going in, but today I barely felt the ones on my abdomen at all. I wonder if that is because my energy paths were opening already? Now, the ones on my feet really hurt. She said that was the one to reduce stress. Um, yeah. I guess those ones would still be killers. It was a bit of a stressful week. Family drama.

As soon as the needles were in, she dimmed the lights, put on the wonderful heat lamp and set the music and left and I dare say I almost fell asleep. A good rest at least.

Afterwards, they confirmed that I’m done with acupuncture for now and she seemed rather sure my period would start as soon as I’m entirely done breastfeeding. They wanted to start me on herbs to replenish my system and regulate my hormones, but hesitated until I’d weaned Reed.  I reassured them I wouldn’t start the herbs until I was done and that the last four days I’d gone down to one feeding, that I’d be ok to stop. I hated saying those words, but realistically, I knew if I waited until next week, I’d still be upset over it, Reed probably wouldn’t wean on his own by then, and one extra week of breastfeeding wasn’t going to affect him much either way.

They asked about my hormone levels at my last testing and since it was only a month ago they said they’d use those as the starting point. Surprisingly, she didn’t seem phased as I muttered my levels. They just said they’d like them retested at some point to see how the herbs were working. For about 15 minutes she was busy writing, every now and then asking a question or two, and then she got up and went to her herbs “dresser.”

I watched in awe as she pulled out bottle after bottle. Why I thought there’d be a mixture of a few herbs, I have no idea. She must have pulled out 25 bottles. She began precisely measuring them out using a scale. When she was done, her husband handed them to me and told me to take them twice a day, three scoops each time. In a little warm water.

Alrighty – game on! I decided since I was starting my herbs, I might as well start my “regimen” or supplements. When I got home I pulled out my geriatric vitamin organizer. After lunch, I warmed my water, poured my herbs and drank, er, gagged it down. My husband was dry heaving just watching me. Not a cocktail I’d recommend. 

Intro

Where to begin… I suppose a brief intro and overview is in order. I'm post dating this to Jan. 1, 2014, so the order of my blog posts (which I had been writing privately as a POF diary for myself initially saved to my computer) are in the correct order. For your record, it is April 24. It took me over three months to process this diagnosis and be in a positive place sharing my story. So, don't beat yourself up if you need time. I also have not shared with anyone outside my immediate family circle aside from three close friends. It's still a bit too raw and I don't want any negativity, backlash or questioning of my motives or decision for treatment from anyone, especially those that are close. I'll let you know when I am able to make that personal and public announcement outside my own blogosphere so you can share in that "journey" too. 

My name is Emily and I am blessed by one incredible son and an awesome husband. My journey with secondary infertility began at the start of this year. Or, shall I say, my knowledge of my infertility slapped me in the face. Happy New Year to you too!

My son was born November 22, 2012. He was our Turkey Baby born at 11:12 pm, just in time for me to shovel in some pie after snacking on ice chips all day long. We had no trouble conceiving him at all. Married May 2011, ditched the birth control and started trying in November and after a wonky cycle or two of my body not relying on birth control to man the ship for 14 years and regulate it's cycles, conceived on our third cycle. We got our BFP, big fat positive, on the test March 9^th, 2013. So, this baby making stuff is easy! Right?!

Gulp.

After having my son, I was just convinced that my period hadn’t returned since I was breast feeding. He was a horrible sleeper and nursed constantly through the night, so the constant nipple stimulation was keeping it at bay. Or, so I thought. My hubby and I started trying in September for a baby thinking maybe we’d just “catch that first egg.” And, we thought we had.

When we got back from our Christmas vacation, I thought before taking a sip of New Year champagne, why not take a test to make sure. And it was positive! And so were eight others over the next few days, but they never darkened and finally disappeared. I was heartbroken thinking I’d had a chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage. But, I never bled.

After going back and forth a dozen times with an incompetent midwife who assured me my test was wrong (Hello lady, I took NINE!!) and my period would come when it normally does despite my trying to explain I hadn’t had a post partum period yet so I wouldn't even know when that would be, I finally contacted another doctor. She ran an HCG test and my level was 5. Less than 4 is not pregnant. 5 is typically borderline pregnant. She told me most likely it was a CP and I’d start to bleed anytime. I didn’t.

When no period came, they started to take me a bit more seriously. She referred me to another doctor in the OBGYN department. The doctor I met with, who I shall refer to as “Jack Knob” because my other references to him aren’t PG enough for your web browsing eyes to see, came in and with no emotion took a gander at my ovaries in an ultra sound, which he said looked fine. He told me my endometrial lining was 2 mm so wouldn’t sustain the pregnancy if there was indeed a pregnancy. He assured me he’d run some tests and let me know what they said. He promised he’d call to discuss the outcome.

Well, my test did come back. My HCG level was 7 (four days later) so it was going up, but not at the rate of a viable pregnancy. And, that is just what he told me. He put it in some fancy doctor lingo in an email that took me to google to translate, but basically said the high LH as well as slightly elevated HCG in my blood had been giving me the false positives on the pregnancy tests.

I, however, saw my FSH and LH levels and about fell out of my chair. My FSH was 111.8 and my LH was 65.3. FSH in a normal, healthy woman should be UNDER 12!! 12!! Mine was 100 higher. LH levels ebb and flow. It’s the hormone that tells your egg to pop out, and that was a high number, but the two high together meant bad news. I’d gone to Google and boy, oh boy, was that a mistake. Either Premature Ovarian Failure, aka, you are done, no babies for you, or a Pituitary Tumor, aka brain tumor. Well, Happy Flippin’ New Year.

When this moron didn’t make the connection, I emailed him back saying I was alarmed by those two high numbers, much more than the HCG.  I asked to have further testing to rule out a brain tumor. He EMAILED me saying it was most likely ovarian failure and he’d repeat the tests in four weeks. Um, four weeks?? Yeah, right. I asked him to please run a prolactin test and estrogen test for me. He called and callously told me it was probably POF. When I asked what treatment there was, he said “None. Your ovaries don’t work anymore.” My response, sobbing like a baby.

My estrogen levels came back undetectable and my prolactin showed a slight elevation most likely from breastfeeding. I sought another opinion.

This time, I meant with a very frank, but nice and thorough doctor. She went through my chart with me and took a lot of information to consult with an infertility specialist friend of hers. Infertility isn’t covered by my health plan. She also did a u/s and said my lining was paper thin.

The lab results this time, absolutely devastated me. 

HCG 7

FSH  136.5

LH 98.8

AMH <.03

I was basically told I was a 100+ year old post menopausal woman. My options were egg donor or adoption. Through tears, I asked what my options were and she said birth control pills to regulate hormones. Trying to keep it together I explained that I’d researched POF and there were rare people who ovulated. Birth control would take away that possibility. She told me, sometimes women with POF do squirt out an egg here or there and maybe “God would throw me a bone.” Oddly enough, I know she meant that as my chances were nil, but I found it reassuring. Yes, he would!

My AMH levels basically said I had no eggs and no follicles left. Hmph. Since then, I’ve done a lot of research, and this isn’t exactly true. Yes, there are no follicles in the beginning stages growing, but that really doesn’t have anything to do with how many eggs you have left or their quality. The doctors assume you don’t because none are growing, but in theory, if you are under duress, your ovaries, non essential organs, are one of the first to shut down. Given my lack of sleep and high stress, it’s conceivable, that’s exactly what they did.

In my fervent research of the disease I learned that over the course of 10 years, there is a 5%-10% chance a woman can spontaneously get pregnant with POF. Yes, my numbers were way, way higher than most POF women so my chances were slimmer, but there was one. My own rational was, my doctor immediately wanted to prescribe birth control. How many women with POF follow that directive and take it? So, they are automatically removing themselves from the pool for spontaneous pregnancy. Further more, how many make fertility minded changes in their life with diet? Exercise? And, as I researched further (I'll get to that) with acupuncture, chiropractic care and herbs and supplements? How many of these women that just spontaneously got pregnant were actually trying to better their odds? If 5-10% of all women, most of whom aren't actively trying or preparing their bodies can get pregnant, my odds were looking a lot better. Because, I was doing it all!

I had her refer me to an RE who refused to see me because I didn’t have infertility insurance. When I pressed the issue saying I was at increased odds for osteoporosis, heart disease, stroke and cancer without the correct hormones in my body they woman relented a bit on the phone and admitted that yes, my “infertility” put me at severe health risk. She then gently told me, pushing for a visit was a waste of money because they would tell me my situation was helpless. She gave me the adoption or donor egg speech. The third doctor to tell me this. Sigh.

I did more research and learned about HRT, hormone replacement therapy, but I didn’t like the idea of a lifetime of pumping pharmaceuticals into my body. And then, I came across some blogs and articles about alternative, holistic approaches. The more I read, the more I was intrigued.  

Western and Eastern medicines approached reproductive issues, POF especially very differently. Western medicine, as brilliant as it is, treats the symptoms and tries to prevent future complications like osteoporosis. Eastern medicine treats the overall body and tries to correct overall health which in turn will gently prod your body into doing what it should be doing.

The first few weeks after my diagnosis, I was barely functional. I was listless and downright pissed. Yes, I was blessed with an amazing little boy, but I’d always dreamed of a big family. I had dreams for him to grow up with a brother or sister. I grew up with many and couldn’t imagine not. My husband was very supportive, but it wasn’t until the last test that the gravity of what happened sunk in. I thought he didn’t care, but in reality, he hadn’t believed it until then.

I decided to open up to my mom, and three close friends, one of whom was dealing with infertility herself. Her and I had a heart to heart and she told me about an acupuncturist / herbalist she went to. I made an appointment to join her on her next visit. They told me I was basically depleted. My pulse was extremely weak and I had depression of the liver. The liver channel isn’t the “liver” but I had a lot of anger, resentment, stress and negative emotion built up in my body blocking my hormonal flow. They told me I was extremely unhealthy and weak. They suggested I stop breastfeeding first and foremost because I was literally giving all my energy and nutrients to my baby. This was an emotional struggle. One, I will deal with in future blogs. Second, they told me to limit my stress and immediately. Third, they told me they needed to tell my ovaries to ‘wake up’ and started acupuncture that day. Once I weaned, they would give me herbs to nourish my body.

I also started seeing a chiropractor because a healthy alignment is important to your nervous and endocrine system, which is really what fires the messages for your body to produce and release hormones. After my initial consult, my spine was really out of whack. Most likely from stress, exhaustion and, his words, basically motherhood destroys the body. The nursing, crouching, cuddling, lugging kids and diaper bags and car seats around...all takes a toll.

My husband and I decided to turn our path to God. We've always had faith, but this problem was far to great for us to even think of handling on our own.

We also decided to reevaluate and take stock. My body was exhausted and weak. My son, now 13 months had yet to sleep through the night. The three months leading up to my diagnosis, I rarely slept more than 2-3 hrs a night, never more than an hour or two at a time. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was trying to work as close to full time as possible during all his naps and at night in addition to the two full work days I had while he was in daycare. We were struggling financially and my husband had been working sporadic part time jobs for the last three months of the year. I was at my breaking point, and my body just gave out.

We decided I needed to limit stress. God answered our prayers by assisting with my sons sleeping. He’s now a champ and sleeps all through the night and for lengthier naps. My husband, thankfully, got a job in town. He used to travel so when he was working, I single parented it at home. His job meant he was here to help, and a consistent income.

I began reading about all the things that affect your fertility. Diet. Toxins. The list seemed endless but I decided to make some big changes…