16 months old!

March 13, 2018

Wowza! Our sweet boy turned 16 months old a few days ago. I'm reeling. I'm not entirely sure how he's that old already. When they say it goes fast, it goes FAST! He's a smart, inquisitive, stubborn, hilarious, delightful little man. He's running, jumping, dancing and CLIMBING...oh, so much climbing. He's very chatty and talks a lot. His vocabulary is crazy impressive. He not only repeats everything, but uses it intentionally. Sentences and all. It's nice he's so communicative because he can tell us everything he wants. And, he'll tell us over and over and over...and is not thrilled when we don't oblige ;)

He loves helping and it sweet to see him mimic chores, patterns and get things for me like his shoes when it's time to go or his oils when it's time for bed. He's obsessed with Elsa and Ana after a recent Disneyland trip and Alexa plays it on repeat all day long. If it's not playing, S continually says "Ana Ana Ana Ana" until we turn it on. Loves puppies. Puppies puppies everywhere. He loves books and imitates how his brother plays with cars and trucks with them beeping and backing up.

It's been incredible to see the boys together. Our oldest son is wonderful with him. Includes him, cares for him, helps with him. Sometimes I have to remind him to not play so hard with him, but it's hard to enforce when S is giggling uncontrollably and tackling him back. I've a feeling these two will be quite the hand full. When R is at school he'll ask over and over "Where's "R"?" and giggles uncontrollably and dances when he gets home. His favorite is playing in R's classroom when we go to pick him up.

Me, I'm glad to have gotten back into acting. I got new headshots and have been fortunate enough to have a few auditions. It feels nice to be back in the swing of things. Walking into a casting office is just invigorating. Some actors hate auditioning...I love it. Granted, I like booking and working more, but the auditioning doesn't bum me out. I'm grateful for each call. Every time I walk on a studio lot I say a big thank you to the Lord above that I'm actually doing it and pursuing the dream that seemed impossible to the girl in Michigan growing up.

Work has been tough. There's not enough hours. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I feel like I'm in this bizarre dynamic of a stay at home / work at home mom, but fill time working mom, but mom. I can't describe it. I know every mom works her tail off. I just wish I could be one or the other.

The boys go to daycare three days, so I try to fit as many hours as I can in there, but the rest are after bedtime. Once I get them fed, to bed, things cleaned up, lunches packed, the house picked up...I'm tired. Absolutely exhausted, yet I have to work. Then I'm up at night nursing, back up in the morning with the kids to do it all over.

I've been transitioning more to focusing on educating about essential oils. Fortunately, that has been covering some gaps for us financially, and, I'll be honest. I love it. Love it. I know so much of the health turmoils I faced was from the junk in my home, foods, products...I love offering an alternative to people who want safer products. My ultimate goal is to JUST act and teach about healthy choices. I'm reaching for them more and more. I've always used a ton of the oils and transitioned all my personal care, makeup, cleaners to Young Living a while ago, but I'm incorporating more and more of the supplements now. I can happily say that as everyone around us was dropping like flies, our family stayed relatively healthy. Aside from a minor cold for my baby and husband, we're all healthy as can be. And, looking at the little sleep I've gotten...three cheers for that. I also can't say enough about elderberry syrup. Legit.

The bummer is, some POF symptoms have started to creep in. More irritability, brain fog and hot flashes. My night sweats started, but I've been using a serum called Progessence Plus to support my hormonal health and they are no more. For hot flashes, I've started using Sclaressence. I either make a capsule with a drop of Sclaressence vitality and take it immediately after nursing my son in the morning, or use the Sclaressence on my ankles throughout the day if I feel I need extra support. I've kept things manageable. Oddly enough, I've turned to the oils for irritability and brain fog as well. They've a lot of emotional support oils that have been good for me to just release pent up emotion and I diffuse peppermint or rosemary and orange when I'm feeling really scattered.

Fortunately, our housing crisis was averted. We thought we were losing our lease, but our landlords opted not to sell, so we are here two more years. A rent increase, but stability. Hallelujah! It works out great because our oldest started Kindergarten next year and it will be directly across the street.

Other than that...nothing big to share. I look at my little family and think sometimes how I'd love to have another child. I know my husband isn't there now, so I keep those thoughts fleeting, but my babies are so incredibly special. If it were up to my, if we had no financial concerns, I'd absolutely have another. My oldest son asks me several times a week when his sister will arrive. I keep trying to explain to him I'm not pregnant, and he says he knows, but he's going to have a sister. Sometimes from my belly, sometimes from somewhere else... I can't help but wonder what God has in store. I'd still be very open to foster to adopt, but I'm not sure my husband would like that. Kids, let's face it, can be exhausting. A lot of children in the foster system come with issues that would require certain patience and understanding, parent visits, red tape, foster workers...it'd be a lot.

I just ask God everyday to set our path. Professionally. Personally. For our family. For our impact and outreach for others. Today though, I savor the moments with my babies. They are growing so fast, and I'm desperately trying to be present in each moment.

God bless!

Almost seven months

June 5, 2017

Wow! It's hard to believe, but we are less than a week away from 7 months. SEVEN MONTHS!! How did that happen? Our sweet boy is growing fast and he is such a sweet kid. He has the biggest belly laugh and his smile literally lights up the room. He's perfect in every way. He's a big guy! We got to his doctor's appointment tomorrow, but he's well over 19 lbs now and last appointment he was in the 96th percentile for height.

Sometimes I just catch myself staring at him and thinking about this whole journey. When I started this blog, I couldn't fathom it would end up here, but man am I blessed. I shake my head now...I wouldn't have written our story any other way.

I never mentioned his name...we'll call him S. Big brother is R. S is a delight to watch. I love this age. Watching them learn things is simply amazing to me. You can literally see the thought process in his little face as he tries something new. He's sitting up, trying to scoot around, feeding himself. Isn't it crazy how much babies learn in the first year? They go from one cell to an ENTIRE baby in 9 months...then that first year they evolve from a helpless little baby to a thinking, rationalizing little individual. Amazing.

Our boys are best buds. S screams every time his big brother leaves the room. He absolutely adores him. Just these last few weeks to the two have started playing together. Not just R entertaining his baby brother...legit playing together. I got teary eyed last night watching. I remember so distinctly R asking me for a baby and holding back tears just a few short years ago.

Adjusting to life with two has been an adventure. In a lot of ways, it was much easier than I anticipated. I think the age gap was ideal. R is old enough to be a great helped and can entertain himself when need be, and fortunately we have a pretty easy going little guy. He sleeps decent. Typically, he wakes once or twice at night. I kind of giggle listening to people get horrified he's still waking at night...but, to be honest, our first son woke anywhere from 6-12 times per night up until 14 months...sooooooo, once or twice, totally doable.

Logistically there are small challenges with time, trying to put S to bed and get R fed at the same time. Basically, what every mother struggles with. I sometimes feel bad for our older son because I know he doesn't have as much one on one time or feels left out. I really try to make sure we get quality time, especially at night once S is in bed. Story time and snuggle time are special. We finally got S accepting a bottle occasionally, so I want to make sure R and I hang a bit more. He needs that one on one time with me. Thankfully, he gets a lot of quality time with daddy.

Balancing work and finances have really been our biggest hurdles. I'm simply unable to pull as many hours so things have been tight. My husband has been working as our associate youth pastor at church and catering and bartending when shifts are available, but it is just SO tight. It is just so darn expensive here. I look at real estate listings back home and for 1/3 our rent, we could have a huge beautiful home with land. Kills me.

S starts daycare three days a week next month and just thinking about it gets me misty eyed. I simply don't want to send him...but it's one of those ya gotta do it situations in order to make ends meet. I've been really putting a lot of focus on building my Young Living oil business (shameless plug - go here for oils) so I can leave my "day job" and just be a mom, educate about oils and focus on acting again. It's been months since I've had any great auditions, and sadly, I've just not had time or energy to spend the necessary time on it. I really, really miss it. It's why I moved here. I need that little wiggle room to make it work, and quite honestly, I'm a total oil dork who loves using them and learning more about them everyday. I've taking to listening to lectures in the background while I'm working and I seriously am amazed by how powerful they are. Talk about God made everything with purpose.

As for my POF, I'm still asymptomatic. The only thing I could say I have is brain fog, but I think that is more "mom balancing 4298 things" fog than anything else. I was losing hair by the handfulls, like, horrid, and I'm not sure if that was JUST post partum hair loss or something else, because someone recommended I get a good fulvic mineral supplement and a silica supplement and my hair magically stopped falling out. My friend works for some of the leading supplement manufacturers and suggested the Vital Earth Fulvic-Humic blend and Biosil for silica.

As I researched silica, it's actually a collagen generator which is why it's so good for nail and hair health, but what's more, with my osteopenia history, it's great for bone health. Win win. I started taking a really good natural raw calcium when I was pregnant too that I like by Garden of Life. The doctor actually called me for my Dexa scan, but since I was nursing, they told me that bone loss is usually so gradual that I should call back once my son weaned and we'd do it then. I'm really hoping using the silica and raw calcium will increase my bone density.

All in all. Life is good. My boys are my world and I have to pinch myself how lucky we are.  I emailed our clinic a while back to ensure our coordinator was holding our extra embryo. We still are uncertain if we will transfer it, but I want that option available. In my heart, I know I'd transfer 100%. My husband however...still very uncertain. And, realistically, right now, financially that isn't feasible. But, it's amazing how God takes care of us. Every time I question how something will work and actually STOP trying to figure it out on my own and give it over to him...he always has a way. I mean, honestly, that's how we ended up here. I tried to "fix" my body for years, gave it over to God and he brought this amazing, incredible little boy into our lives and I would not change a single thing. So blessed.