No closure

 2/1/2023

Well, our clinic did in fact confirm today that all donated embryos were used by the other couple who were recipients as well. I'm feeling empty. I really don't know our path, but there is no closure regarding more children. I can't put my finger on it. 

I'm incredibly fulfilled with my two children. But I don't know, in my heart of hearts, I know there is another. Maybe fostering is an option for the future. Maybe more embryos will fall in our lap. Maybe I'll be the one in ten million to fall pregnant naturally. Maybe maybe maybe. 

In my head I keep remembering them at my monitoring visits looking at my ovaries. They were still there. I'd figured they'd be withered away, but they are still there. Can't help but wonder if there are any eggs still kicking around. Silly of me I'm sure. I'm 43, nearing 44. I was diagnosed 9 years ago and given one in ten million odds. Seems it'd put me in the one in ten billion now, but...

I started taking a few of the supplements for egg health. Worse case, it just helps my body overall.

I keep repeating the words "Your will be done." Somewhere, somehow God has a plan. I just get frustrated not knowing.

Goodbye 2022

 Dec 31, 2022

Last day of the year. I'm feeling really sad and sentimental tonight. It was nine years ago tonight that my premature ovarian failure journey began. I remember I took a pregnancy test before taking a sip of champagne and it was positive. From there, it all unraveled. Who knew positives tests don't always mean positive. 

I wouldn't trade my journey for anything. I got my son from it, but tonight it just reminds me after our most recent loss, or miss, or whatever you want to call it, how much it sucks to not be in control. A month ago, I was going to bed hopeful and optimistic for our transfer the next day. 

Tonight, we were suppose to be in AZ visiting my in-laws, but the night before we left, my mother in law came tested positive for COVID. She's doing ok, just run down. I think us not getting out of town as we planned and not being near family compounds all the big feelings I'm having right now.

We are gearing up to move again in two months, so I stare at all the bins of baby clothes and cloth diapers and baby things I'd saved and it just sickens me to give them all away. But it's silly for me to lug them to yet another house. When I did my purge last time we moved six months ago, we got rid of a lot. I pared it all down to clothes we'd reuse and gave all the rest away. I gave away all the baby toys and gear except two bins of my favorites. We donated the crib and highchair to the church knowing we could borrow them as needed if our transfer worked. Now...now...it just seems ridiculous to hold on to it all.

I keep telling myself even if I clear it all out, if we do get blessed in some way, I can get our needs from the local buy nothing group. Lord knows I've given away hundreds of items through there amidst our move and purge...but it just seems final. It feels like I'm giving up or moving on. But my heart isn't there. I'm not ready to move on.

I thought I would be. We thought we would be. We decided to transfer saying if it doesn't work, we'd have closure. Neither of us feel it. At all. 

After the failed transfer the doctor called me. My hormone levels were perfect. My lining was perfect. The transfer was perfect. He said it just must've been the embryo. That I could obviously get pregnant and carry a pregnancy and everything else looked good. But it was our last. He said we could use an egg donor, but I said no. That's not something we can afford. I did ask if all the embryos were used that were donated in our batch. He said it would take some digging, but he'd look into it. With the holidays if we didn't hear back by mid-January to call. I don't know if that is realistic, but certainly can't hurt to follow through.

If there are none, I'm not quite sure where that leaves us. The thought of trying to match and going through it all emotionally and financially seems daunting and irresponsible...but my heart sure says otherwise. 

I don't know. I'm just feeling lonely and sad. No one knows. I can't talk about it. I just want to be angry or sad sometimes and there is no one to talk through it with. My husband and I still talk but it's more of a we just don't know how to process it talk. 

It's the holidays and we are without family. Friends all had their own plans. I guess I just feel lonely and sad. Having my own little pity party tonight.

No words

 12/17/2022

I wish I could tell you how many unpublished posts are in my queue. But, none will be published. I can't find a subscriber list and think it's nonexistent at this point, so my publishing this is purely cathartic, and I *think* safe from eyes I know. My hope is I can find solace once again in the cyber infertility world.

Long story short, after five years of not thinking we had another embryo we got a HUGE bill from our clinic. Apparently, when the clinic merged with another financial billing firm, our account must've gotten lost. No one would tell us or confirm we had an embryo left and it was assumed it was re-donated since we'd had a live birth. Until we got a bill. I called billing immediately to check if we still had the embryo and was told that IF we did they would call us immediately. If not, just disregard the bill because systems had merged and a lot of people were being billed for embryos they didn't have. No phone call. A few months later an even BIGGER bill arrived. This time taking me to collections. WHAT???

I called the billing, the clinic and emailed every single email I could find. Including our doctor directly. HE was the one who replying and cc'd everyone who was pertinent to get to the bottom of it. We DID have an embryo. They'd waive a PORTION of the bill but not all of it. We were stunned.

This was over a year ago. As we grappled with all of this, we decided just to go through with all the preliminary things to see if a transfer was possible and my overall health. We did the initial ultrasound, all the bloodwork, the sonohysterogram, mammogram, etc and all was A-ok. Perfect in fact.

It took us a year to pray over it, think over it, be of the same heart, mind and body for this, save for it (including back storage they didn't waive because we couldn't get our embryo if we didn't pay $2000 EVEN though we'd been unaware we had an embryo - still bitter about it) and we transferred. And it didn't work. We are just absolutely devastated. We found out the official beta <2 last Tuesday. 

We decided that we would do this alone. No one knew. No one. No friends. No family. Not our kids. No one. Outside voices didn't help. Opinions and thoughts others knew better clouded the only voice that we knew meant anything. And boy, did we pray. A lot. And although it was something we shared together as a couple, we also both now carry that burden and pain alone. My heart aches. I'm angry. Frustrated. I have no idea why God would bring us through all this. I keep repeating the words "Your will be done" hoping for clarity or answers and getting none. I know long term we will find the answer. We will find peace, but right now, it's just a lot of pain.

And we are walking it in isolation. We are both grieving in waves. We both have fleeting what if thoughts. What if we'd done it sooner. What if we'd push harder with the clinic earlier. I've moments berating myself for things I could have done to make it more successful, gain more weight, exercise more, did I do TOO much bedrest, not enough, did I take my meds the same time every day. My mind reiterates none of that truly mattered. God's will is God's will, but the hurt and pain remains. We both feel just complete sadness and that WHY. We both thought we'd have closure even if it didn't work knowing we gave that little baby a chance, but neither of us do. We both thought so strongly, we both KNEW we'd have another child. I can't explain it. And we won't. Grieving that loss...hurts.

My period started as a great big flag of failure and every time I change I see the bruises from injections on my stomach and bottom. A gentle (or literal painful) reminder of the journey.

So, for now, we are just processing grief in waves. Trusting in God that someday we will understand. Until then, I ask His forgiveness for my bouts of frustration and anger and barrage of questions and grief and thinking I know better than Him. 

PUPO plus one day

  Edit: I never published this blog post for fear people would read it before I was ready. After our transfer was negative, I never wanted to publish it, but I've always been transparent about our journey, so feel I should... It still hurts.

Dec. 2, 2022

Well, yesterday was the big day. My labs had come back nice from my final appointment on Weds. Lining was 10.69, estrogen was 520 and progesterone 494.

So, yesterday morning, we got the kids off to school and scurried to the doctor's office. We had one little hatching embryo. They didn't regrade it after thaw, but he said it was high quality and it was good news it was hatching. When we looked at the photo, we both kind of giggled. It looks like a snowman. We decided we'd refer to this little embryo as Frosty. 

There were two photos. The one they gave us and one slightly progressed moving out of the shell that they put up on the screen. I got in my very exposed position, he threaded the catheter, the embriologist came in, and boom. Done. It is always neat because you can see the embryo go in and snuggle down. It's a little burst of white light.

After that, I laid there for ten minutes, emptied my bladder (thank you God!) and we headed home. My husband was sweet - got everything ready for me before he went to work. Got soup ready for me to reheat in the fridge, sparkling water, tea, popcorn, a butterfinger in case I needed something sweet and off he went.

My doctor didn't want "bed rest" perse, but just to take it easy, Rest and relax. So I turned on some tv and did some work. After school, my youngest came home for a snuggle - oldest was at gym, and then they went to his baseball pizza party. I got teary eyed, my husband sent a video - he earned "Best Sportsman" for the season. Pretty much the highest honor in my opinion. He is actually REALLY talented at baseball. He's six, but clearly very talented. His understanding of the game is uncanny.

Last night I did all my meds and slept downstairs. The PIO shots are really hurting this time. I feel like it's really hard for me to get moving. My muscles are just so achy. I don't know if I'm doing them too low, or just that is how my body is responding this time. The Lovenox stung a bit, but I actually don't have any bruising this morning. I wonder if the bruising will get worse as we go because my blood will be thinner.

Today, more just relaxing and working from home. This weekend I'm sure will get a bit more hectic with kid's schedules. I'm just suppose to take it easy. Not lift more than 10 lbs for a while and not to heavy exercise, no sex until heartbeat. Walking is fine so I'll start that back up tomorrow.

All in all, pretty good. Hoping this little angel snuggles in for the long haul. We love Frosty already!

First Monitoring Visit

  Edit: I never published this blog post for fear people would read it before I was ready. After our transfer was negative, I never wanted to publish it, but I've always been transparent about our journey, so feel I should... It still hurts.

Nov. 17, 2022

Well, we're a go. I went in last week for my endometrial scratch. I loaded up on 600 mg of ibuprofen first this time and for the lady who pretty much avoids meds at all cost, I'm telling you, do it. I barely felt it this time. A pinch and a bit of a scratch but NOTHING like the pain I endured last time. 

Side note, my parents were in town and can't even make this up, as I was going out to my appointment my mom pulled out two ornaments that had been on my late grandma's tree. They were snowflakes. I didn't even think about it until my husband walked in and gave me the look. What a coincidence, or gentle message ;)

I met with my coordinator who gave me my scrip. I priced things out on GoodRX and all the fertility pharmacies I could find. The delestrogen, estrace, medrol, PIO and Lovenox (all generics) were WAY cheaper through GoodRx. If you don't use it, start. I learned about GoodRX Plus after the fact. If we get a positive, I'll enroll to see if the savings are worth it to continue.

I did order the endometrin from my clinic. They had the best price in the states. I did find an online pharmacy ivfpharmacy.com however I know not all clinics will allow you to order meds from out of country. They appear legit though and several people I know used them. They are all FDA approved meds. 

I started my period Monday the 14th and went in on the 15th for my first monitoring visit. All good to go. Lining was 4.9, estrogen <5 and progesterone .65. Started my estrace and delestrogen. Still pretty good at giving myself shots in the rear apparently ;) I was grateful my nurse ordered shorter needles for me.

Now, we just keep trucking along. Back to the clinic on Monday for my second monitoring visit. I guess they do a third then a fourth the day before transfer. That was new for me, but makes sense. Busy drinking my POM juice, NingXia Red and Red Raspberry leaf tea. 

My husband and I are trying not to get too excited, but those feelings can't help creeping in....

Here. We. Go.

 Edit: I never published this blog post for fear people would read it before I was ready. After our transfer was negative, I never wanted to publish it, but I've always been transparent about our journey, so feel I should... It still hurts.

Nov 4, 2022

I'm excited and nervous and scared and so many emotions right now. I won't hit publish on this until much later I am sure - we don't want any unsolicited opinions...but we are a go for transfer.

For over a year now, we've been grappling with what we should do. We'd reached out to our clinic on numerous occasions with no answer over the last few years. We thought our one remaining embryo had been donated, but a little over a year ago we were billed...in fact we were billed for five years. We got lost in the system. Apparently, there was a clerical error. No one knew we had an embryo left. It wasn't until we were billed and sent to collections that anyone was aware. Not the clinic. Not our coordinator. Not the doctor. Not their billing department. Not us.

Long story short, the clinic was apologetic and put a hold on our collections and any money due until we decided what to do. I had a consult last spring with the doctor and we checked everything was in working order. I had labs run at my personal doctor and a sonohysterogram to ensure everything looked good. Everything was good, but we were in the process of figuring out our living situation. Our landlords of 13 years were selling and stress was at an all time high.

This summer we started reevaluating again. It was left with both of us go into a lot of prayer. This evening, my husband who had been hesitant sat down and flat out said, that baby is ours. Call the clinic. Let's go next steps. It works or doesn't, but it is in God's hands. That baby is ours. For here or for eternity - that is for God to decide.

So, off we go. I emailed our coordinator. We will see if I have to repeat any tests since it's been over six months, but I feel at peace. Finally, I feel at peace. The last year and a half, I have been on edge, stressed and anxious. I knew in the bottom of my soul this baby was ours. I tried to look at it financially, practically, at my age, everything, but it has been a resounding THIS BABY IS YOURS from God no matter the way I looked at it. For my husband, the one who was most hesitant, to come forward with 100% certainty, cemented it.

I know it sounds insane, but this morning I put on a blend of essential oil called "Hope" and I said God, if it's meant to be it will be. I need an answer. I could not believe when my husband sat down and said the transfer, we need to do it. That baby is ours. If it works it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't, but we will know we did everything we could. I cannot fathom a life without S in it, and I cannot fathom a life not knowing we didn't try for this child too.

God is good. All in HIS hands. If it doesn't work, I've two amazing kids and am blessed. If it works, we will be blessed. God. Is. Good. Always.

Saugus Shooting

Like so many others in our community, I’ve had a difficult time this past week. My kids were ok. I hear about shootings all across the United States and as horrifying as they are, none have brought me to my knees like this one. I know it’s selfish. But, it’s more than the sheer horror of it all. It’s more than wondering if my own children will be safe tomorrow morning when I drop them off. It’s more than trying to grapple with how Gracie and Dominic’s families are coping. It’s more than trying to understand the sheer terror those kids felt. What they saw. How they’ll cope. How their lives are forever changed.

It’s a mother’s horror. It’s a friend’s disbelief. How are those feelings reconciled? If we can for a microsecond distance ourselves from the anger and hatred, as difficult as that is, what’s left is a kid. He’s not innocent. Not at all. But as a community, I think where part of the horror lies, is he was like “every kid.”

His classmates described him as “a quiet, normal student who "seemed like one of those regular kids" He ran track. He was in Boyscouts. He had a girlfriend. A family friend said “I’ve known the whole family my whole life. It’s just – it’s so surprising. You hear about things like this in the news, you don’t expect it to be your own community. He was a very quiet person, a kind person. He was respectful, how he talked about others. It could be just the relationship that he and I had together but, you know, I just wish he was willing to say that he needed some help.”

Another - “I’m bewildered and looking for answers — the question as to why all this would happen. So many questions no one has the answers to.””

"I literally thought he was a normal kid," said Brizio DelRosario, 16, who ran with Berhow on the Junior Varsity Cross Country team. "We would run together sometimes. The last time I saw him was at a race about 2 weeks ago, he was totally normal. I started next to him and he wished me luck."

"He wasn't a quiet or a weird kid," DelRosario said.

Another teammate, who asked that his name not be used, said the student, whom they called Nathan, was in a group of about 7 or 8 friends who all ran track at Saugus High and went to parties together. He said he knew Nathan "very well" and that he is "the sweetest kid you'll ever meet."

"Nathan is shy," the friend said. "I saw Nathan yesterday; we went on a hill run with maybe four guys. He was totally normal, cracking jokes as usual."

Everything said about this child…no one knew. No one. His mom showed up to the hospital thinking he was a victim…can you imagine? Can you imagine the horror to hear your child was shot – the panic, the anger, the sadness, the disbelief, to show up and be told that he was the PERPETRATOR. I can’t even for a second wrap my head around that.

No one knew. Beyond all the obvious reasons I’m horrified…I just cannot come to terms with this. No one knew. His mom. His teachers. His Boy scout’s leaders. His coaches. His girlfriend. His sister. His family. His classmates. His friends. His teammates. No one. NO ONE.

I think that is where my horror comes in the most. Over and over…people keep just saying he was “normal” he was like “every kid” he was “respectful” he was “funny” he was “kind” yet he did the unfathomable. As a society…as a mom…no one knew. How do we rectify that? It could have been any kid, and I think that is what is most horrifying. We don’t want to admit that. But, I think that is the most incomprehensible part…it could have been any kid.

I don’t know how to “fix” that. I don’t. But it is the horror that keeps me awake at night. 

Clinical Trial

10-30-2019

Well, a lot of time has passed. But, I feel like I need to return to my "journaling" about my infertility journey. A unique opportunity has come up in the last week and it's been a whirlwind of emotion. In a POF support group, someone posted information about a clinical trial for ovarian rejuvenation using PRP - Platelet Rich Plasma. I reached out to the doctor in Greece, Konstantine Pantos at the Greek Athens Clinic. I thought why not, and lo and behold, I'm being considered. Wow.

As I delved deeper into what exactly it was I was stunned to see the outcomes. How have I not heard of this? I guess since doing embryo donation, I just haven't paid as much attention? They are friggin' reversing POF. Reversing perimenopause. How are people not talking about this? At this juncture, it is only in clinical trial and a few reproduction clinics in the States offer it as an experimental procedure.

What they do, is take your blood. They spin it in a centrifuge, remove the red blood cells, and you are left with platelet rich plasma. That also means, you are left with a higher concentration of growth factors. The really cool thing about this study for all you folks who've been along the ride with me and know me...is it doesn't take any medication. It is simply, your own blood. No risk of you rejecting it. Very little risk of side effects. The only thing really noted so far is light cramping. They take your blood, prepare the PRP, inject 5 ml into your ovary, let you rest for an hour or so, then off you go. They monitor you for three months to keep an eye on your hormones and I'm assuming follicle growth. From the NCBI study -

"PRP institutes an autologous and highly concentrated solution of plasma, which is prepared from the patient’s own blood and contains a concentrated source of growth factors, namely insulin-like growth factor-1 and 2 (IGF-1, IGF-2), fibroblast growth factor (FGF), epidermal growth factor (EGF), transforming growth factor beta (TGF-b), hormones, and cytokines [12]. Considering the active factors involved, along with their potent therapeutic nature, it is not unreasonable to hypothesize that PRP treatment may assist in tissue regeneration [13], the enhancement of anabolic signalling pathways [14], cell differentiation and proliferation [15], angiogenesis initiation, and control [16]. Considering the angiogenic composition of the ovary and the pivotal influence of platelet-derived growth factors on vascular activation and stabilization, treatment with autologous PRP may be viewed as the enabler of ovarian tissue regeneration [17]. PRP contains a member of the TGF-b superfamily, growth differentiation factor 9 (GDF-9) [18]. The gdf-9 gene expression is regarded as a biomarker of oocyte maturation potential [19,20], and its mutations have been linked to premature ovarian failure [21]."

The first three woman they performed it on, all regained ovarian function. All three actually went on to conceive and have live births naturally with no reproductive intervention after the PRP. You can see their charts here. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0963689719859539 Ages 27, 40 and 46.

The next study they did had 8 woman - all 8 resumed menstruation within within one to three months.

If you google PRP ovarian rejuvenation a lot of studies are popping up. Although it is still in the clinical stage, the results are very promising. Some sources site normal ovarian function in 70% of the cases.

To be a part of the trial, I meet all the criteria except being on HRT since I succumbed to a small dose last spring. I'm hoping if I go off it, the trial continues on for at least three months for me to be a part of it. You must be HRT for three months. I stopped mine last Monday when I got word I was progressing to the next stage with a consult.

If I am accepted, the trial itself is fully paid for. I just must pay the 200 euros for the initial consult there (the skype consult is free) and for my travel. I must also agree to three months of monitoring. The good news is, even if I am given the placebo during the trial, they have agreed to give me the true procedure after the three month umbrella is lifted.

When I started investigating who does it here in the Sates, I did find several places. All treatments range from $4000 up over $10,000. The closest one to be is $4600. And, to be honest, it is actually cheaper for me to take a week long vacation to Greece with my husband, soooo...if I'm accepted, that may be the route we go. There is also something reassuring doing it with the man who was the first to perform it. I played around looking at things and can actually get a six day trip with air and hotel for around $850 on Groupon. We can book better trips including some food, tours etc for closer to $1150-$1500 which may be better to know all transfers, food, tours, etc are taken care of so I don't have to stress about it all.

So, last night, I was suppose to have my skype consult at 1:30 am. Remember, Greece is 9 hrs ahead. I had a choice 5 am or 1:30 am. My son often wakes in the morning to nurse, so thinking I was being smart, I scheduled it at 1:30. We even told him, if he woke up, Daddy would be going in because mommy would be up late and needed to get some sleep. 12:55 "Mommy, I need milk, Mommy mommy mommy." Ugh. Are you kidding??

So, I waited it out and had daddy go in and it was like World War III erupted. He ONLY wanted mommy and was having a full on freak out, tantrum. So I went in to calm him. I tried to leave at 1:20 and it resumed. He was clinging to me screaming. I finally got down the stairs, listening to it all happening upstairs at 1:27, sat down and waited.. After ten minutes, the clinic emailed me there was a medical emergency and rescheduled or 16,00 Greece time. Sure... Ok 9 am. But no, that is 7 am :(

I missed the bloody call. Ugh. So, right now, it's rescheduled for Nov 1 between 10,00 and 13,00 which is 1 am - 4 am here. Fingers crossed the forgive my stupidity and exhausted mind and let me still take the slot. I was so mad at myself that I burst out crying. Here is this great opportunity and my exhaustion. Wahhhh.

I'm just so excited about the possibility of this. If I got to do it and if it worked, I could say goodbye to the next decade of meds. I wouldn't have to stress out so much about my bones and heart. This'd completely turn this disease around for so many women.

It raises so many questions in my head though. Why is reproductive medicine the only one researching it (profits, ahem) Will insurance ever cover this? Or will they stick their heads in the sand and call it an infertility procedure versus what it actually us, ensuring a woman's organ that runs her whole hormonal system and ensures her bones, heart and other organs are healthy and strong. So much to watch unfold.

For now, please say a prayer for me. I'd love to be able to do this. I'd love to be a part of this.

Attached is one of the studies. There are so many if you dig in to it. How incredible is all of this?? I'm giddy with what this could mean for all my POF sisters out there!

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6352170/

Essential Oils

April 21, 2019

Happy Easter! I hope you all had a blessed day. He. Is. Risen.

I get a lot of messages regarding essential oils. If you've been following me for a time, you know I'm pretty much obsessed with them. We use them for everything. To support our sleep, immune systems, tummies, relaxation, stress, the list goes on...and on...and on.

People always want to know what oils I use FOR POF. Here's the thing. I don't. Way back when I was diagnosed, I started seeing a Chinese medicine doctor and he explained it so eloquently. Our bodies are pretty darn awesome. I'd been accustomed, and had been taught that you go to the doctor when something is wrong. Most people do. The problem is...something is wrong. We're slapping a bandaid on a symptom. Now, I am NOT opposed to the doctor. I am not opposed to medicines or therapies or any of that. My son was the result of science and good medicine (thank you Lord!) but I AM opposed to overuse of medications and "slapping a bandaid" on a condition that throws your body further out of line.

Essential oils are part of that mentality shift that I had that day. I started approaching my full body wellness from the perspective of taking care of myself. I equate it with a car. If you never change the oil, it runs out...the motor burns out. Investing in oil changes, inexpensive long term. If you never fill it with gas, it stops. If you never air the tires, it goes flat, bends the rims, big dollars, right?

Essential oils are an incredible support to help your body operate the way that it should. We use them to help support our immune systems before we are compromised. If your immune system is nice and strong, your IMMUNE system karate chops the germs it comes in to contact with. Will you never, ever, get sick, no. Let's be real, BUT, a strong functioning immune system means you are less susceptible, and if you DO get sick, it may not be as severe or as long. Before diagnosis, I was ill more than I was healthy. Now, not so. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've gotten sick in the last five years. My son, hasn't missed a day of school in four years. My 2 1/2 year old has missed three days (and yes, he goes to daycare!)

Why do I think that is? We try to keep their little bodies running - we use our oils to support them, we diffuse, we pay attention to washing hands, slathering them up with hand purifier, we take our probiotics daily for healthy guts (hello, 90% of immune function resides in the gut) we add elderberry syrup during icky times of the year, we try to eat healthy foods (sweet, sassy molassy, today was a disaster on that front, and the amount of tantrums and tears reminded me WHY we don't eat that much sugar in this house!! Can I get an Amen?!?) We use oils in our diffuser ever night to help support sleep because a well rested body is a healthier body. We use them when we feel unfocused or stressed and are "spiraling" to help calm down. Lower stress levels help keep our bodies healthier.

If we have minor grievances, we reach for oils to help feel better, to help relax, to help drift off to sleep. So, no, I do not use oils to cure POF. I use essential oils to help my body stay in a place of wellness. Like my Chinese medicine doctor told me...if my whole body is health, my whole body is, well, healthy.

Now, that said, I do use a variety of their oils from their hormonal support line to help support my body. I love their Sclaressence, Lady Sclaerol and Progessence Plus. They've specific supplements like FemiGen, PD 80/20, Coristop, Endoflex, etc that are formulated to help support our endocrine systems, hormonal systems, etc. I feel like that should be a whole other blog post! If you are on Facebook, find the group Lucy Libido Says. Search hormones and there is a fabulous video! Only women are allowed in that group.

We are also vigilant about the products we use. We only use Thieves household cleaner, baking soda, vinegar and castile soap. I use all of Young Living's skincare and dental care, their makeup (honestly, that make up is crazy awesome.) I use a lot of their supplements and others I've listed throughout my blog. We use BPA free plastics, our little eco egg washer minerals (make sure you get FRAGRANCE FREE!! It does 720 loads and is less that $30)

We ditched all products with fragrance. Yup, no more candles, cleaners, dryer sheets (get wool dryer balls - ahhhmazing!) We use only mineral sunscreen - Young Living has an awesome one. We also like Think Baby. We try to do organic as much as we can, but strict to the clean fifteen and dirty dozen pretty religiously. I use EWG and Think Dirty almost daily and analyze ingredients to no end. People think I'm nutty, but doctors think this crazy disease was environmental, and looking at how prevalent infertility and a host of other things like autoimmune conditions, anxiety, depression, eczema, even cancers have become, why put any darn think on my or my children's bodies that have harmful ingredients when there are safer options.

And, I'm not saying all chemicals are toxic. Chemicals are good. You drink water right? Breathe air? Chemicals. What I am saying is synthetic garbage that is formulated in factories isn't intended to be broken down by our bodies. Not at the rate we are using them. Think of your body like a washing machine. If you are doing your laundry, it may seem like you never finish, and that washer may be going constantly, but it gets through those piles (I know, doesn't seem like it.) BUT, if the entire block was dropping off their clothing, pretty soon, you'd be overrun. Even if that washer is going constantly, it will never get through all the loads of laundry. Your body is like that. It can only go through so much.

Endocrine disruptions? Medically and scientifically proven. Cancers? Medically and scientifically proven. They list ingredients that are KNOWN to cause them. Still in your products. Still in your facewash and moisturizer and antiperspirants and shampoos and hairsprays and makeup and cleaners and the list goes on. So, I decided that as long as I can control what comes in to my home, I will.

The oils are use are Young Living's. I tried a ton. Many brands and many varieties. These were the ones that number one, worked the best for me, but also the company I trusted. You can read more about them here. 

Membership with them is easy, and there are no strings. It's simply 24% off retail. No monthly orders required. No selling required. You can do both of course, but it isn't required and you never get pressure. Pressure isn't my style. Learn what membership is here. We've a boatload of educational groups and you get me as your oily guru. I love helping people and educating them and am always available. Signing up with Young Living requires a sponsor - enter me. Follow this link to sign up directly. Or, follow this link to learn more about all the kit options.

The most common way to sign up is with a premium starter kit. There are four options. Makeup (our Savvy line is incredible!) Thieves thieves everywhere. Ningxia Red. Or, oils. Oils are usually the fan favorite because the kit is a $411 value and is only $165. It already HAS the diffuser and comes with 12 oils, the hand purifier, sample pack of the cleaner and two packs of Ningxia red. So, basically the whole shebang to get started. That membership gives you 24% off retail on ALL their products, not just oils, enables you to join essential rewards which allows you to earn up to 25% back, get cheaper shipping, additional monthly free promotional oils and rewards you loyalty oils at 3,6,9 and 12 months. You can also participate in their events, and it gives you access to all our member educational groups. It's a smokin' deal.

This is the premium starter kit with oils. I suggest the desert mist diffuser. It's absolutely gorgeous. It runs ten hours (yay if you have kiddos you want to help sleep) has 11 light settings, or dark and can run intermittently or steadily. The oils included are carefully selected to help support all your physical and emotional support needs.

So, there ya have it. Essential oils rock. Young Living rocks. All their lifestyle products and supplements rock. Everything I was buying elsewhere, now here. I'm an open book about oils, so feel free to message me anytime. I'm always excited when people take a step toward better health, so when you sign up, shoot me a message so I can add you to our Facebook groups and get you your welcome gift in the mail. It has some goodies and educational materials to get you started. Tell me "blogger" and I will place a $10 account credit on your account so you can try a healthier product on me.

I'll try to include more blog posts about essential oils. I didn't realize how many people wanted to know more about them. If you want me to focus on certain aspects of them, how they work, what they are which ones I use and how, lemme know.

God bless! I hope you had an incredible Easter and am super stoked for you all to find all the benefits these beauties offer.

Bone Health

March 17, 2019

Alright, I've been honestly stressing out about all of this. It is echoing in my head. My bones depleted by 7% these last three years. Holy crud. In that time, I was basically pregnant or on hormones trying to get pregnant about a year...so I had the estrogen. Yikes. I'm also dealing with severely recessed gums. Last dentist exam instead of the usual, wow, your teeth are amazing, she said my oral hygiene wasn't as good. Excuse me? I brush a bazillion times per day, floss, use mouth wash. My gums are recessing faster. I have pockets. It's due to no estrogen.

I basically need to stick it out one more month to get the babies I donate breastmilk to, to one year. After that, I think I may need to bite the bullet and start the bioidenticals. My own son really only nurses morning and night now. When he's home, he will nurse at nap time or for emotional comfort. I think cutting back the pumping will help my body regain some nutrients. Pumping an extra 24-30 oz is a lot for a body to do. My endocrinologist did say some bone density will return once I wean.

I started taking the new calcium along with my other one. So now, I take two Young Living Super Cal Plus, two Garden of Life Raw Calcium. The Garden of life has the stronium in it, but a very, very small dose. I will start their Grow Bone once I wean. The reviews are fantastic and my endo gave me the go ahead. I also just started the Young Living BLM supplement. It has the glucosamine sulfate and collagen. I'm keeping up with the Biosil and current collagen I'm on as well. In a support group, someone mentioned taking Boron as well. Lo and behold, I did some research and very promising info. The raw calcium does have some, but since I'm doing a half dose of that, I did get a 3 mg supplement.

My sister in law suggested two workout sets, so I ordered these and these as well. The kiddos and I have been doing our exercises at night, I've been doing weights a few times a week, and I've been very diligent about making sure to at least take 20 minutes a day for a brisk walk. I'm doing jumping jacks every time I get up to get a drink or go to the bathroom from work, squatting holding my son, anything to fit in extra weight bearing exercise.

I think I feel panicky because I'm not doing everything I can, but I'm not emotionally done nursing and my son is nowhere near emotionally or physically done. I keep weighing my long term health vs where we're at now. I can't supplement with herbs or supplements, I'm nervous starting BHRT... Ugh. I just need to take a breath. The reality is, a few extra months won't do long term damage. I just need to do what I can and trust. I can start on the BHRT once I'm done donating. "Normal" women have estrogen in their blood and milk all the time...granted this isn't naturally produced, but the effects are the same. I absolutely despise I need medication. I pray for no ill effects.

I just want my body to cooperate...

On a lighter note...still meal kit obsessed! LOL We got our second Sunbasket delivery and it was delicious! Well, we all agreed the sesame crusted tuna and salmon nicoise was. I thought the blackened tempeh was ok, my husband was a hard no. Ah well. I knew it was taking a chance. I'm trying to shift more plant based. For my initial Sunbasket review go here.  So far, that is the one I've been most impressed by overall.

I'm excited to try out Hello Fresh this week. Stay tuned ;)

Infertility Warrior

March 15, 2019

When I started this journey five years ago, I was broken. Completely and utterly broken. I was an emotional and physical wreck. When they say infertility destroys you...it does. Sure, I'm still dealing with some physical ramifications of my diagnosis, but emotionally, I'm on top. I kept meaning to come on here and talk about my experience speaking at a Young Living rally back in July, and, well, life got the best of me. But, it was incredibly powerful.

I was asked to speak at a Lucy Libido rally. Lucy is a fictional character that was derived from the experiences of dozens of women who transformed their lives through emotional and physical growth. "Lucy" knew I'd had an amazing journey, resulting in my beautiful son, and asked if I'd be willing to come give a 30 minute talk. Gulp. I would be speaking at the Grammy museum in front of a few hundred women. Now, some back story...I'm an actor. So, being in front of people hiding behind a character and script, totally cool. Standing up and talking about my most private and painful journey, terrifying as hell (pardon my language.)

I was asked if I'd share my infertility journey. That was it. Ok... Well, so many directions. So, after a lot of soul searching, I told it. No holds barred. I honestly didn't know how people would react, but often, what I have to say isn't that popular.

The reality is, there is no "reason" for my infertility. I have no autoimmune issues, I have no genetic ties, I have no history of chemotherapy or radiation. I was told that it was environmental. My journey started there. What did I do? You can read back for all the details, but the honest to God truth was I simply overhauled our lives and got rid of all the junk I felt was contributing to my issues. The candles, the fragrances, the personal care products I was slathering on my body, the foods that are simply riddled with chemicals, the horrendous cleaners... I simplified. What I found was, I started feeling better. In fact, my kidney function improved. Drastically.

One of the areas I branched out into, was essential oils and wellness products. I reached for cleaner products that I knew weren't going to jack up my endocrine system more than it already was. I wanted things that didn't create or worsen my overall health.  I found a preventative approach was far more ideal than chasing symptoms later on.

I won't regurgitate my speech, but here are the bullet points.

*Get rid of the junk. ALL the junk. Focus on clean products. Plant based safe cleaners, personal care products without the junk, wholesome foods. Simply, get rid of the junk. Anything synthetically derived, in most cases, is just not good for you. Yes, we have a liver. Yes, we have kidneys, but look at your body like your laundry. If you are doing your laundry, you can get to the bottom of the pile. But if your entire block keeps dropping their laundry off...no matter how many loads you do, you can't catch up. You keep piling up all that junk in your body, it gets overrun. It's called bio-accumulation. I have medical records where I watched my kidney function improve drastically over the last several years. It was a rise from impaired kidney function to great kidney function. I believe wholeheartedly it was from removing the superfluous crud in my home.

*Take care of your body. Exercise. Eat right. Focus on whole foods. If you can't do organic, stick with non-GMO, the clean 15 and dirty dozen. Choose supplements wisely, cleanly and ones that nourish. We all need probiotics. We need antioxidants. We need omegas.

*Take care of your emotional wellness. At the rally, an amazing speaker, Dr. Benjamin Perkus, was there talking about the Aroma Freedom Technique. The reality is, if you're dealing with infertility, you have a lot of emotional baggage. We NEED a place to release it. Let it go. I love what he has to say. If that isn't your cup of tea, go to a therapist. I do. I need a place to work through all my feelings. There is nothing shameful about self care.

*You are not a victim. Listen up. You are NOT A VICTIM. I was most worried about talking about this, but DAMN! Ladies, you are the strongest, most capable, amazing women! We can choose to let our diagnosis or the cruddy hand we are dealt ruin us...or we can choose to stand up straight and make it work. You want to be a mom. You will be. Do NOT let this crappy diagnosis rob you of your happiness. Do you hear me? There are so many ways to motherhood. Natural conception, donor egg, sperm donation, foster to adopt, adoption, surrogacy, embryo donation. I believe with my entire heart and soul my son was destined to be mine. MINE. This is MY son. Mine. I would not have him without POF and I wouldn't trade that for the world. Ever.

Speaking at that rally, was exactly what I needed. I met so many incredible women and it reminded me how painful it is when you are in the trenches. I saw women sobbing in the crowd. So many women came up to me after and shared their stories. I was later asked to speak in a Facebook group of 135k plus women and once again found such amazing women. I've been asked to speak at a rally this September in San Diego. I'm working out he dates now, but have found a great sense of fulfillment.

Listen ladies, and gentlemen. Infertility bites. Ok. It bites. But, we can CHOOSE if we let it destroy us. We can choose how we react to things. We can choose if we will still be parents. Please, do not let infertility rob you of motherhood or fatherhood. Genetics are NOT the be all end all. They aren't. They simply aren't. I have a biological child. I have one through embryo donation. I will say with 100% certainty. I love both my children the same. I have the same mama bear love, devotion and bond with both children. I am grateful, yes grateful, for my POF for that reason. Do I love the side effects or health issues, no. Would I trade them? No. I will take my son over perfect health any day. Any day.

If you are still hurting...I extend my heart and ear to you. Reach out. You are a warrior and you will come out on top.

God bless.

Endocrinologist Appointment

March 8, 2019

Well, yesterday I had the dreaded endocrinologist appointment following my DEXA scan, and the results weren't good. I knew I'd lost some bone mass, but was not prepared in the slightest to have my doctor walk in and suggest osteoporosis meds. Hard pass. My mouth dropped open.

As she reviewed my history she mentioned the last time I came in I had a two year old, to which I replied and I still do! Ha! Well, a six and a two year old. Her eyes got wide so I quickly chimed in through embryo donation...ahhhh. I also said I'm still nursing him and she got a bit quiet. Apparently, that took the osteoporosis med suggestion out of play since it's contraindicated.

Her next suggestion was estrogen therapy. I reminded her of my family history of estrogen driven cancers and added that since our last meeting my mom had also had uterine cancer and female cousin (40) had breast cancer. Again, she got quiet.

She was obviously deeply concerned, and I will hand it to her. She spent a lot of time while we hashed out and weighed all the options. She doesn't want me at risk for breast cancer, but at the rate my bones are deteriorating, I'd be in grave danger. As it stands, I'm still nursing so medications and even my herbal route from before are out.

She told me, very seriously, that I needed to make sure I was getting 1200 mg of calcium and 1000-2000 of Vitamin D a day. She said it could be from food or supplement, but I needed to ensure I was getting that much.

I've been taking Young Living's Super Cal Plus. The calcium levels are lower, but my understanding is it's more bioavailable to the body. As I researched calciums, the issue is a lot of people JUST take calcium or JUST calcium and D3. As I learned more about calcium, I started to see how controversial it is. Now, the controversy seems to be because people are just taking calcium supplements. Calcium by itself isn't absorbed by your body and what happens is it floats around and gathers in your arteries. This is what causes calcification and morphs into heart disease. In order for your bones to actually absorb the calcium, there needs to be adequate levels of calcium, D3, K2 and magnesium. People tend to overlook the K2 and magnesium. The Super Cal plus has all of them. It's enriched with essential oils that help make it more bioavailable and absorb better. I also like it is an algae sourced calcium.

I've also been drinking protein shakes that are calcuim rich. I add fortified almond milk, Orgain Superfoods protein powder and one scoop of Young Living's Balance complete which is higher in the calcium and fiber.

In addition to that, I looked more into Young Living's BLM. This one has glucosamine sulfate, collagen, MSM, Manganese and essential oils. As I broke down the ingredients, glucosamine sulfate has promising research that it can help bones heal faster. I haven't tried it yet, but put it on this month's order.

Another supplement I reviewed with my endocrinologist is strontium. Now, I've researched it before, but when I looked it up, it was suggested not to take while nursing, so I haven't taken it. When I brought it up though, she right away said she knew about it, there was promising stuff she knew about people using it in Australia and that since it wasn't FDA approved (it's a supplement) she couldn't prescribe it, but was totally fine with my taking it. Score.

Now, a heads up, when you google this one, strontium ranelate will pop up with red flags...THAT is a medication. Here is the deal when it comes to drugs and pharmaceuticals. You cannot market a natural mineral (like strontium.) In order to make money, drug companies must take a chemical constituent in a naturally occurring substance, make a synthetic version and THEN patent it. Ranelic acid is the synthetic compound used to create this drug. NATURAL strontium that is used in supplements in strontium citrate. As long as you are taking more calcium than strontium citrate, there have not been ANY adverse reactions reported in over 100 years.

I dug around and found a few good sources of natural strontium. Here is one and here. I love the GARDEN OF LIFE vitamin products and use this one for my multi vitamin. Now, I use the 50 and wise version because there is no iron. I have hemochromatosis so I can't have iron. If you need iron, search one of their other varieties.

So, my battle plan is to do weights a few times of week, be diligent walking and working out and once I wean my son start a bioidentical hormone therapy. I agreed to do a very low dose BHRT with a transdermal patch. She was going to prescribe oral, but I asked if transdermal would work. I want to bypass the liver processing the meds and lower my risk of blood clot and she agreed. It was funny, but when I asked for a bioidentical hormone she said my insurance didn't cover it. I said, I'm certain it does. She went on to explain they've no compounding pharmacies and was kind enough to humor me...so I pulled up this website and showed her that the FDA actually has several approved bioidentical hormones. The crazy part is the one she was going to prescribe was on there. Yay!

Here is the website so you can reference it. There are a lot of bioidentical ones available on the market that are covered by insurance so you don't have to spend hundreds a month at a compounding pharmacy.

I'm giving a shout out to my sister in law at Pod Performance. Beth is awesome. I text her asking for some recommendations on bone building workouts that would fit in my schedule (aka, no time at all.) She gave me a few suggestions that I could do when the kids were in the tub, when I was making dinner, etc. I need to make my bone health a priority, but have been freaking out how to fit it all in. Check out her page! 

After weaning, I will also start using my strontium supplement and a few other Young Living ones that are intended to support healthy hormones like Femigen and PD80/20. PD80/20 has DHEA which is the precurser to testosterone. There have been some positive studies about that one and bone health as well.

Right now, I'm using my calcium in addition to Ningxia red, multi greens, Life 9 probiotic, sulfurzyme, omegagize fish oil, Biosil  and a great collagen called Aminosculpt. I was diligently taking my minerals, and need to start that back up. I love Vital Earth's Fulvic Humic blend. It's not salty at all!

It was a discouraging day to say the least, but at least I've a game plan. I'm really upset I have to resort to medications, but I feel incredibly blessed that I had a doctor who listened to me, respected me, agreed with my concerns and found an option that I think is the best and safest method. How awesome is that?!

We considered my starting the BHRT now, but we both were a bit leery as I'm breastfeeding. The only contraindication really seems to be that my supply could dry up. BUT, as with any med, some gets in the breast milk, and we're talking about a hormone, soooo.... Makes me nervous. I'm also a milk donor. I don't want to mess with "stuff" in my milk that is going to another child.

I talked with the baby's mom yesterday about my doctor's visit. She actually watched my oldest while I went so he didn't have to sit in the waiting room with flu and colds and everything else! I talked to her about my visit and the options presented and she was too sweet to say that if I had to stop providing milk, my health came first. I told her following through to get her babies (she has twins - the boy relies on my milk) to a year is my goal and I'd committed that to her. They turn a year April 20th! A month and a half isn't going to make or break my bone health! I DID tell her though that at a year, I'd begin weaning from the pump. I don't mind my son nursing as long as he wants, but on some days I'm producing upwards of 30 oz for her. That's a lot of milk.

Something else I talked about with my endocrinologist is the fact I'd read about how breastfeeding can lower bone density temporarily and she verified that. When I'm done nursing, some bone density should come back. Not all I've lost, but a bit. That was reassuring.

Well, I've rambled long enough. It was a very emotional day. I feel so frustrated. My health overall, is good. I feel great. I've never been healthier. I don't get sick. I've good energy. And then this... I've no control over it and it's so frustrating and disheartening. I'm very type A in control and not having it...UGH!

As always, God Bless!

Ugh Hormone Reality

October 26, 2018

Well, I bit the bullet and got my hormone panel run. I'll be honest, things have been stressful. I've been getting very little sleep, dealing with an ill fur baby, teaching several essential oil classes every week, rolling out new acting projects, working a full time job, doing the whole PTA thing, just wrapped a huge church event I was helping run AND trying to be as present as possible with my family. To say I've been stretched thin is an understatement. And, my body is apparently feeling it. Here I am educating people on healthy choices, completely running myself into the ground. Isn't that the way it goes? I make sure my kids are taken care of - good food, oiled up, adequate sleep...do I do the same for myself? Um, nope.

Oddly enough, other than a few hot flashes here and there, I've felt like my hormones were doing ok. I've attributed my lack of energy, poor focus and being short tempered to stress.  I've my little oil and supplement regimen, and apparently it's been working well enough to take the edge off, because I honestly haven't felt poorly and haven't been getting sick constantly like before. So, when I got my hormone panel, my spirits sank.

FSH 161.2
Estradiol <10 pg/ml

Right to the gut. I can't aggressively do anything homeopathic because I'm nursing. A lot of herbal supplements contain herbs I'm not comfortable using while breastfeeding. I know this is a poor excuse for not exercising or sleeping as I should, but I honestly can't find the time. It's clear I need to look at a bioidentical hormone replacement therapy of some sort. I need to think of long term health - bones, heart, mind... I'm also praying I can let my day job go or cut hours drastically. I'm on the verge of just being able to focus on essential oil education and acting. That brings such joy to me and oh man...if I could do something fulfilling with my time, that'd alleviate so much stress for me.

I do NOT want to wean. That, I am sure. I'm wondering if a hormone therapy will decrease milk supply. That will be fine for my son...I think he will still get plenty, but I'm feeling massive guilt. I've been donating milk the last year and have a long term family. There are twins, one with some physical and cognitive issues that I provide milk for everyday. I've been able to give him 16-24 oz per day and it's been beneficial for him. He doesn't tolerate formulas well. I know this may decrease my supply and I already know how stressed his mom is about trying to feed him and / or afford formulas. Ugh.

I've been crying this morning. I just feel so emotional about it all.

S, my sweet (almost) two year old is such a smart, inquisitive, headstrong little guy. He's incredibly smart, and it's been eye opening how that presents it's own challenges. People think he's three or four, but he's not even two. So, although he can communicate like an older child with full sentences and insightful questions, great memory, he even plays sports like an older child, catching, throwing, hitting, kicking, and impressively so...He'll sing songs, recite his alphabet, prayers and colors,...all these things that sound "impressive" or braggy, but my point is...he's not even two.  People don't know how to deal with him all the time, because emotionally, he's still a toddler. So, he does all these big boy things, and he has BIG feelings. Big. And, he doesn't know how to process them all the time. I think it's scary for him, so he has big reactions. I've found just holding him and hugging him until he can get control helps, but not everyone understands that. They yell or get frustrated with him and it absolutely breaks my heart. I know his emotions will catch up with that bright little mind of his, but until it does, I'm just so on edge advocating for him, making people try to understand he needs extra love and reassurance. He doesn't need grumbling and complaining and telling me he's acting out. One day that headstrong little personality will run an empire, of this I'm sure. I definitely don't need to worry about him and peer pressure...he'll tell those peers right where to go.

R, my oldest is dealing with his own set of needs. Kindergarten has been eye opening. There are a lot of children out there, I can't say mean spirited, because I don't think any child is, but who definitely have been shaped by different experiences. I feel like I'm constantly trying to encourage him to be strong in who he is, unique and proud. I've certainly gotten my first taste of having to let go and watch him struggle, and I'll be honest, it sucks. You have to let them live their life, and I need to step back and both equip him with social skills to stand up for himself, but not overstep. It's been a tightrope. He also is at an age where he is finding himself, his independence and that can have it's own set of challenges. He too, is very bright, and his TK program well equipped him, so there is a lot of review this year. The days he falls down to a lower color (behavioral chart) are the days we find he's "bored" and reviewing things. I want to swoop in there and tell the teacher to challenge him vs reprimand him, but again, gotta let the teacher do their job. Yeesh, this motherhood thing is tough.

Well, I'm clearly an emotional mess today. lol So, excuse my musings. Overall, life is good. I'm just grappling with how to take care of myself health wise in the best way possible.

I KNOW I do not want certain HRT. I am SO strongly opposed to medications derived from horse urine...from a moralistic standpoint, google how those are created. Animal cruelty plain and simple. I also don't agree with how so many synthetic hormones are metabolized in the body and not processed correctly leading to other issues and having various side effects. I know there are some good bioidenticals out there, just I'm not sure at this point if my insurance covers them.

Ah well, one foot in front of the other. I'm sure the answers will be presented. They always are. I haven't turned to prayer yet, so perhaps instead of my mind spinning...that is where I should start. Let go and let God...

Blessings.

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24, 2018

A friend posted today about National Infertility Awareness Week and I was embarrassed to admit, I'd completely forgotten it was this week. I was glad for the reminder. I never want to forget or let other people forget that part of myself. It's shaped me into who I am and has blessed me beyond measure with my son. I also want people to know it's not abnormal. It should be isolating or embarrassing. One in eight people suffer from infertility and it's still taboo. It is personal on so many levels. It's a person's inherent right to reproduce. It's biology. To not be capable..it just plain hurts. It's suffering. It's loss. It's expensive. It's difficult on a marriage. It's getting your hopes up time and time again to have them dashed. It's suffering. It's pain. It's crying. It's confusion. It's anger. It's all those things wrapped into one.

I remember the day I was told I had premature ovarian failure and it was denial. The doctor must be wrong. I asked what they'd do about it. I mean...it was medicine. There was always an answer, right? Always a treatment. Always a next step. But no, nothing. Not a thing. Nothing. I remember hanging up and sobbing. How could this be?

You only need to look back at my blog entries to relive my journey. What I want to talk about today is my silver lining, because four years ago, I would never have believed there was one.

I'm glad for my infertility. There, I said it. Do I still catch myself thinking "if only it was that easy" to get pregnant? Sure. If only it wasn't so expensive? Sure. If only it didn't require, needles and pain and contracts and heartbreak? Sure. BUT, it was MY journey to get MY son.

In the support groups and the first thing everyone asks me who is toying with the idea of embryo donation asks me is "do you love him the same?" Or, "Did you ever worry if you'd love him like your own?" I think it's a legitimate question. It's a real question. I had the same one.

Yes! Oh my goodness yes. I wish I could shout from the rooftops and take over the internet to say, yes yes yes! You will LOVE this baby. This baby IS yours. He or she IS your own. DNA makeup means nothing in the scheme of love. I grew up with step parents and siblings - they aren't my blood, but they ARE my family. My son is not my DNA, but I will tell you this with all the mama bear certainty there is in the world, he IS my son. There is not a fiber of my being that can deny that. I'm a firm believer in God, and our God is an awesome God. I know that S was part of our family from the beginning and it was God's hand that placed him here. I cannot fathom a life without him in it. Our family wouldn't be the same. He is ours and we are his.

I want to reassure any of you out there contemplating any type of adoption or donor assisted birth, it will not matter. It won't. At all. I'm a rarity that I have a biological son and an embryo donated son. The love I have for both is the same. That protectiveness? The same. The I would lay down my life for them in a second? The same. I grew them in me. I birthed them. I nursed them. I've stayed up all night when they are sick, cried with them, laughed with them, been covered in their puke, pee, poop and snot and worried relentlessly over them.

I thank God everyday for the path that was laid for me. I don't begrudge God for it. I don't get mad over it. I don't wish it differently. I can't. To wish away my struggle would be to wish away my son.

For all of you women and men out there in the thick of it, my heart is with you. It hurts. I pray you find an answer to grow your family and extend to anyone wanting to know more about embryo donation that my door is always open. Love and peace your way.

#IAm1in8

April 14, 2018

April 14, 2018

Baby boy is 17 months! Wowza! We are still breastfeeding and going strong. In fact, I'm drowning in milk. I intentionally didn't pump this time thinking it'd tame my supply, but I was wrong. So, I gave up and started pumping, just for a few minutes a day because my breasts had marks from expressing. I've a freezer full and have been blessed enough to be donating to two families. One with a NICU miracle and one with a poor sweet baby who has horrendous eczema. Her mom suffers from a hormonal imbalance, and her breast milk was passing it to her baby. She came to pick up milk just covered in scales, bleeding. I felt horrible for her and worse for her poor baby girl. Thankfully, the milk seems to be helping. I've two dear friends on bedrest - one in the hospital since 27 weeks, the other just released from the hospital on strict bedrest now 31 weeks with twins. If either needs milk, I'll help. I figure, I can introduce pumping a bit if needed. Not my ideal long term, but feasible. I've a chest freezer full so my guy will have ample supply, even if I ever need to stop. It's strange, but since I started donating, I feel it's my civic duty so I don't mind pushing it for a bit of an oversupply. I was never able to donate blood because I was too petite and have hemochromatosis which nixed my chances, so I guess breastmilk is the next best thing, right?

I'm feeling pretty good. I've found if I forget to do my regimen of progessence plus and sclaressence I tend to feel it. I've also started including vitex (20 drops of a tincture) and two capsules of organic shatavari root per day to help support my hormonal system. I'd used them previously, and thought these two would be good to start up again as symptoms started increasing. They are both breastfeeding safe (of course chat with YOUR doctor should you choose to use them.) I've found when I follow my little protocol hot flashes and night sweats are diminished. Still keeping on with my other supplements. OmegaGize, Super Cal Plus, SmartyPants prenatals, Biosil and a Fulvic humeric blend of minerals, Natural Calm, NingXia red and my probiotic Life 9. I've started sulphurzyme once a day as well as it's high in MSM and wolfberry. I've started incoporating collagen as well to help with bone health. I still haven't had my follow up dexascan, but I'm feeling strong. It'll be interesting to see what it says when I go back.

The kids are great. S is a TALKER!! Holy moly! I've never heard a kid that young chatting up a storm. Full sentences and all. He's VERY smart. And, VERY stubborn. We will have our hands full. Very head strong. I guess he had to be to survive the freeze ;) Watching my two boys together seriously has to be the most heart warming thing I've ever seen. I love watching them together. They are best friends. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing. I cannot even think of my life without the two of them in it. My oldest son is now asking for a sister. He wanted one before and apparently the dream still lives on.

Work has been going ok. It's really tough to manage everything. Sometimes I just sigh that my house isn't as clean as I'd like or I don't have the things I'd like (I'll be honest, I'm embarassed. My shoes are now 8 years old, have holes and are discolored, but I'll be damned if my kids ever think they don't have the best life ever.) I felt funny today going to my son's school. They were riding for St. Jude and all the other kids brought a bike. We didn't. He has a scooter. Living in a townhome, we don't have a yard or block for him to ride on, and it's an added expense. I was embarrassed. Silly, right? These parents are my friends, yet I still felt judged. I know...in my head. I started looking for a used bike when we got home regardless. I look at prices in MI and know it'd be sooooo much easier financially. Our life is here though. My husbands job. Acting. My kids friends.

Thankfully, I've been starting to teach more essential oil classes with great attendance. My dream is to move to JUST educating about healthier lifestyle options and acting. I tremble to think lifestyle choice could render other women infertile. It infuriates me these products are on the market and advertising is so one sided. I just put my blinders on and speak and know my truth. It's fulfilling to me hearing how beneficial they've been to people. I pray constantly others will just try something to proactively protect themselves. I also had a nice week of auditions. Nothing since, but it felt invigorating to be back out there. That is where my heart is. I feel so alive on set. Telling stories. I pray and trust I'll work back into it.

There are days I would love love love another child. Others I know how blessed I am with my two boys and how difficult another child would be time wise and financially. The reality is, that is totally in God's hands. At this point, we don't intend to transfer again and I was given less than a one in ten million chance of conceiving before and I'm sure it's only diminished. I'm trying hard to cherish every single second. I nurse S through naps, I spend time cuddling my oldest at night after prayers...and quite frankly...I'm ok with it. Before, I'd have been so panicked to get that extra bit of work in. Now, I know how important these moments are. I can stay up an extra hour at night to work if needed. Visiting my friend at the hospital on bedrest for twins should've scared me...but being there...made me sentimental about my own babies. We still have an embryo and there are days I just watch Seeley with that nagging feeling what if they'd grabbed a different straw...he'd still be frozen. Who is that child in the straw? Are they suppose to be with our family too?

I truly do love motherhood. Every stage. Sure, I get stressed. I lose my temper. I get tired, but I love it. I do. At my weakest moments, I take a breath and give myself grace. It. Is. Hard. Anyone who tells you differently is delusional, or far better than I. My husband really struggles. I don't know if he could manage another child and he's the first to admit that. At times I find myself thinking back to what I "thought" my life would be. In premarital classes we wanted four kids. We were open to adoption, fostering. If we had the money. Truly, if we didn't have financial concerns, I'd be all for more kids. For fostering. For all of it. Finances cause so much stress on a family. Marriage.

I'm getting excited to head home to Michigan this summer. We'll be there for five weeks. It's be great for the kids. Poor S has only met his family aside from Nonna and Papa once when he was tiny. We're also going to AZ over Memorial Day to spend time with my in-laws. The kiddos will love it. I dread the drive, but night time driving is the best bet and makes in manageable.

You know...life is funny. I've said it before, but I'm feeling rather sentimental tonight. When I got slapped with this diagnosis, I thought the world as I knew it was over. And, I suppose it was. But, WOW! Wow. Wow. I catch myself thanking God every day now. Had someone told me I'd find gratitude or meaning in all this back then, my eyes would have rolled so far back in my head, and I may have punched them in the face...but I have. I am so, so grateful for my son. I cannot fathom a life without him in it. At all. He is utterly perfect. I've no doubt at all, this was my path, and he was destined to be part of us. If you've been diagnosed or are considering egg or embryo donation or adoption or fostering, I implore you have an open heart. I cannot explain the immense love you feel. The blessing. The peace. Quiet yourself, pray, open your heart and mind. Maybe it's not an option for you, but maybe it is. I'm in a unique situation to tell you biological or otherwise (because I have both) you will love your child however they come. There is no "difference." There is no less love. I promise you.

I'm also grateful it opened my eyes to living consciously and taking responsibility for life choices. Are we always perfect? Nope. But every day I take care at what I bring into our home or my kids or myself and my husband come into contact with. I wasn't that vigilant before and it upsets me the outcome that could have had for our children. Shit happens. I get it, but the reality is, when I met with my geneticist, they explained that only 5-10% of cancers and health issues are genetic. The rest? Lifestyle choices and environmental toxins and factors. A whole lotta nope there. I can't limit everything, but I sure will limit what I can.

I read back through some of these blogs and I'm so aware of how much I've grown over these past four years. My life is not perfect, but I live full of gratitude now. A crappy thing turned into the most beautiful blessing I could have ever asked for.

Peace and love to you all. God bless.

16 months old!

March 13, 2018

Wowza! Our sweet boy turned 16 months old a few days ago. I'm reeling. I'm not entirely sure how he's that old already. When they say it goes fast, it goes FAST! He's a smart, inquisitive, stubborn, hilarious, delightful little man. He's running, jumping, dancing and CLIMBING...oh, so much climbing. He's very chatty and talks a lot. His vocabulary is crazy impressive. He not only repeats everything, but uses it intentionally. Sentences and all. It's nice he's so communicative because he can tell us everything he wants. And, he'll tell us over and over and over...and is not thrilled when we don't oblige ;)

He loves helping and it sweet to see him mimic chores, patterns and get things for me like his shoes when it's time to go or his oils when it's time for bed. He's obsessed with Elsa and Ana after a recent Disneyland trip and Alexa plays it on repeat all day long. If it's not playing, S continually says "Ana Ana Ana Ana" until we turn it on. Loves puppies. Puppies puppies everywhere. He loves books and imitates how his brother plays with cars and trucks with them beeping and backing up.

It's been incredible to see the boys together. Our oldest son is wonderful with him. Includes him, cares for him, helps with him. Sometimes I have to remind him to not play so hard with him, but it's hard to enforce when S is giggling uncontrollably and tackling him back. I've a feeling these two will be quite the hand full. When R is at school he'll ask over and over "Where's "R"?" and giggles uncontrollably and dances when he gets home. His favorite is playing in R's classroom when we go to pick him up.

Me, I'm glad to have gotten back into acting. I got new headshots and have been fortunate enough to have a few auditions. It feels nice to be back in the swing of things. Walking into a casting office is just invigorating. Some actors hate auditioning...I love it. Granted, I like booking and working more, but the auditioning doesn't bum me out. I'm grateful for each call. Every time I walk on a studio lot I say a big thank you to the Lord above that I'm actually doing it and pursuing the dream that seemed impossible to the girl in Michigan growing up.

Work has been tough. There's not enough hours. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I feel like I'm in this bizarre dynamic of a stay at home / work at home mom, but fill time working mom, but mom. I can't describe it. I know every mom works her tail off. I just wish I could be one or the other.

The boys go to daycare three days, so I try to fit as many hours as I can in there, but the rest are after bedtime. Once I get them fed, to bed, things cleaned up, lunches packed, the house picked up...I'm tired. Absolutely exhausted, yet I have to work. Then I'm up at night nursing, back up in the morning with the kids to do it all over.

I've been transitioning more to focusing on educating about essential oils. Fortunately, that has been covering some gaps for us financially, and, I'll be honest. I love it. Love it. I know so much of the health turmoils I faced was from the junk in my home, foods, products...I love offering an alternative to people who want safer products. My ultimate goal is to JUST act and teach about healthy choices. I'm reaching for them more and more. I've always used a ton of the oils and transitioned all my personal care, makeup, cleaners to Young Living a while ago, but I'm incorporating more and more of the supplements now. I can happily say that as everyone around us was dropping like flies, our family stayed relatively healthy. Aside from a minor cold for my baby and husband, we're all healthy as can be. And, looking at the little sleep I've gotten...three cheers for that. I also can't say enough about elderberry syrup. Legit.

The bummer is, some POF symptoms have started to creep in. More irritability, brain fog and hot flashes. My night sweats started, but I've been using a serum called Progessence Plus to support my hormonal health and they are no more. For hot flashes, I've started using Sclaressence. I either make a capsule with a drop of Sclaressence vitality and take it immediately after nursing my son in the morning, or use the Sclaressence on my ankles throughout the day if I feel I need extra support. I've kept things manageable. Oddly enough, I've turned to the oils for irritability and brain fog as well. They've a lot of emotional support oils that have been good for me to just release pent up emotion and I diffuse peppermint or rosemary and orange when I'm feeling really scattered.

Fortunately, our housing crisis was averted. We thought we were losing our lease, but our landlords opted not to sell, so we are here two more years. A rent increase, but stability. Hallelujah! It works out great because our oldest started Kindergarten next year and it will be directly across the street.

Other than that...nothing big to share. I look at my little family and think sometimes how I'd love to have another child. I know my husband isn't there now, so I keep those thoughts fleeting, but my babies are so incredibly special. If it were up to my, if we had no financial concerns, I'd absolutely have another. My oldest son asks me several times a week when his sister will arrive. I keep trying to explain to him I'm not pregnant, and he says he knows, but he's going to have a sister. Sometimes from my belly, sometimes from somewhere else... I can't help but wonder what God has in store. I'd still be very open to foster to adopt, but I'm not sure my husband would like that. Kids, let's face it, can be exhausting. A lot of children in the foster system come with issues that would require certain patience and understanding, parent visits, red tape, foster workers...it'd be a lot.

I just ask God everyday to set our path. Professionally. Personally. For our family. For our impact and outreach for others. Today though, I savor the moments with my babies. They are growing so fast, and I'm desperately trying to be present in each moment.

God bless!

Lump Update

Feb. 2, 2018

Well, the update on the lump is there is no update. They couldn't see it. At all. To tell you the truth, I went into the appointment pretty peaceful. Random moments of what if, but overall, feeling pretty good. I'd get an answer. Bad news with how to proceed, or good news to put my mind at ease. Instead...nothing. No.Thing. Grrrr.

I arrived early and met with the genetic counselor who gave me a little box to take to the lab. Because my grandma, maternal and paternal aunt, and maternal cousin have had breast cancer (cousin at 42) they decided to run a full panel of 27 genes for breast cancer, ovarian cancer and colon cancer. It was free, so I said why not. I see no disadvantage. I was able to give her the paperwork from my aunt and cousin's genetic testing as well.

I'd spoken in advance with my genetic counselor and she arranged with the lactation department to rent a pump if they needed a bilateral mammogram. She was incredibly helpful.

So, I showed up to my appointment and was ushered in by a tech all business. I told her I had a bottle if I should express milk and she said don't bother. Just put the robe on open side up and lay down. Easy enough. I felt like I had a bit of milk, but trusted her. She did a quick look at my right breast (with the lump) and left breast and said nothing abnormal. I looked at her like, are you nuts. It was two minutes total, if that.

"Well, the doctor said if it was nothing you'd be able to tell."

Silence.

"If there was a cyst or something else there, wouldn't you be able to see it?"

"Yes."

"Well, something is there. I'm a little concerned you can't see anything one way or the other."

Silence.

I asked her if I could express some milk to feel the lump better, so she excused herself for about two minutes. I emptied about 1.5 oz and she came back in. Put the wand up and said all normal. I had to literally take her hand and put it on the lump. "Do you feel that?" "Yes, it's small."

Yeah...but there. She did a quick scan again and said all clear. At this point, I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable about all this. Something should show. Something. She dismissed it as normal breast tissue or a duct.

"Well...a duct should empty and fill, right?"

"Yes."

"Why does this stay the same then? And, small and hard?"

"I don't know, but nothing shows up."

At this point, she tells me she can't do a mammogram because I'm nursing and says if I want to wean, I can come back in a few weeks and they will do one. I told her I've no desire to wean if it's not a medical necessity and she tells me...I kid you not... "Aren't you suppose to wean by one anyway?"

I literally felt my blood pressure rise. "No. They encourage you to breastfeed UNTIL one years old at a minimum, but you can nurse as long as you like."

She smirks. "Well, he's old enough, you can wean whenever."

Me shooting daggers. My internal monologue is "I don't want your parenting advice, thank you very much. Just do your job and find the damn lump." *apologies for the language*

So, what to do?? Wait and see? She said just monitor it. If it gets larger, ask my doctor for another referral. Ooookkkaaaayyyy... Very uneasy. I left. She took the initial images from her two minute ultrasound to the radiologist who saw nothing, so what else can I do?

I emailed my doctor saying they didn't see anything, did she feel it warranted a second opinion? Watching and waiting? An MRI? My aunt and cousin, both breast cancer warrior survivors really are pushing for the MRI. I went on a few forums last night trying to see people who had a lump and it not showing up on an ultrasound and it was unnerving. Advice - never go into cancer forums before bedtime. yeesh.

So, I wait for the doctor. I don't like being a "problem patient" but with my history, I'd feel much more calm with an official, it's nothing to worry about, the MRI was unnecessary than a "you should have pursued this sooner six months or a year down the road."

So, as it stands I will obsessively feel my lump assessing any changes.

Non lump related, I'm looking forward to a little family time this weekend. It's been incredibly warm here, so perhaps a nice hike.

God bless.