POF and False Positives

July 24, 2014

I'll let you in on a little secret. Positive pregnancy tests don't even excite me anymore :( (FYI- if you want cheap Wondfo's which are the cheap HPT and OPK tests go here! This is the best price I've found and you can do combos of both or just some alone.

This was yesterday. The top one, yesterday - obviously darker than the ones preceding it (the days leading up to it) right? Nice progression, huh? The top would be 10 DPO if I ovulated.

Then, this morning. This happened.

Pretty cool, huh? Nope. I had a blood draw to check my HCG. 4. 4???? 4!?!??! Yup, 4. As in not even close to being pregnant. Seriously, how sensitive are these tests? 4 and under is not pregnant. Between 4-25 in inconclusive and 25 and over is pregnant. Do they really need to make tests THIS sensitive? I mean, I like knowing right away, just like the next gal, but come on!

I need to remind myself, to just toss them away without a second though until the line is a in your face YOU ARE PREGNANT line!

On the one hand, I'm seriously bummed. I never did let myself get excited because I thought it could just be hormones awry. On the other hand, I was actually kind of relieved my HCG was only 4. Before it was 7 so it's half. I guess that shows some improvement.

My son had a difficult time going to bed tonight. He was crying and I went in and told him it was night night time and asked if I laid down on the floor next to his crib and rubbed his belly he'd feel better. He told me yes and laid right down. As I was rubbing his belly, arm and head, I just started crying. I totally thought I'd be at peace either way, and I am...but, it just really hit me. I feel absolutely broken.

I don't think I ever understood before all this how incredibly lonely and frustrating it is for your body to be completely out of control. For all the people dealing with sickness, cancers, infertility, mental illness, it is scary. It's isolating, because you look ok on the outside and no one knows. And, even if they do, unless they are dealing with the same thing...they really, can't truly understand.

I had a moment of actual despair thinking I may never experience every moment I've shared with my son again. I have to keep believing I will. For one thing, it's made me value every single second with him. When I find myself getting tired or nearing the end of my rope, I really take a step back and realize that I can't get these moments back. Is it seriously worth me losing my temper? No. It's helped my patience parenting, being a wife, daughter, actor, employee...

You know, my husband and I from the time we were in premarital counseling always said we'd be open to adoption, but the reality is, it's near impossible unless you are wealthy. It cost more than IVF. Whenever I hear someone say "why can't they just adopt, there's so many children that need homes" I really want to smack them upside the head.

I for one would LOVE to adopt. But it cost upwards of $20,000 and beyond depending where you adopt from. We've even looked in to fostering to adopt, but I can't bear to bring a child into our home only to have the family take them away after they've been here. That scares me with adoption in the US too. In other countries that possibility is less likely.

I always thought (before) why adopt internationally when so many children need homes here. Well, they do, however it's become a business. Extremely expensive, with your odds increasing the more you "advertise" to potential mothers. Advertise? Excuse me? Yeah, you read that right.

The only silver lining of the whole adoption option is once it's said and done you can get a tax incentive to help recoup cost. However, that's after you max out all your credit cards I suppose. I know we would provide a wonderful family for a child.

I know from the bottom of my heart my journey isn't over with children. I know this is a set back and I'll bounce back. I always do.

My TCM appointment went well on Weds. They said my kidney channel was a bit weak. I asked if that could be from my UTI last week and they said that could be playing a part. They reworked my herbs to nourish my kidneys and build my blood. They also agreed with me to cut my royal jelly down to every other day, that it could have been monkeying with my hormones too much.

My TCM did give me the encouraging news that she really thought once I regulated that I would fall pregnant almost immediately. She said that everything about my pulse, health, etc showed I was the perfect example of someone who should get pregnant and carry a pregnancy very easily. I did the last time, so I'm just really trying to trust it'll happen again.

I keep reminding myself when I started there was one follicle on my ovary and my AMH was about nil at <.03. I always knew it'd take a good six months to see improvement in my egg quality. I'm approaching six months from my beginning of acupuncture at the end of this month. Next month will be my six month anniversary with herbs.

As my TCM reminded me. My body and health are like a delicate plant. You can't just throw a seed down and expect a tall plant the next day. You have to give it good soil, water, sunlight and nourishment and foster it and help it grow. Our bodies are the same way. It's a process.

I keep reminding myself how far I've come. My body was a wreck before and now I'm all in all, pretty healthy. No night sweats. My sleep has actually been very good the last three or four nights. Anxiety and depression aren't there anymore (except for my woe is me moments - see above, sigh.) My weight is back to a normal range. A tad under the norm, but good for me. I have energy.

I started reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For". It's a 40 day journey to learn what purpose does God intend to use me for. It's to take the perspective off what will make ME happy and learn what will make GOD happy and how can I do it. I think that's important for me right now.

There's a lot tumbling around in my head this evening. I'm really mentally exhausted.

To all you ladies out there going through this. I'm sorry. It sucks and we're on this journey together.

ESSENTIALly Healed

May 4, 2015

So, I've never been a big "take the medicine" kind of gal. Of course, I take it when needed, but if I have a headache, I guzzle water first and most times it's dehydration, eye strain or stress that causes it, so why not try to hydrate, alleviate eye strain or reduce stress to take care of it rather than put chemicals in my body.

Well, lesson learned. My son, who I rarely give any pain medication too unless he's hurting (obviously, I give him medication if he is hurting or suffering and I cannot alleviate it otherwise) spiked a fever on Friday. Yesterday it got worse and he was tugging on his ear so we took him to urgent care. All was clear so they thought it was possibly a virus. Well, what did I do? Right away, we offered him Tylenol, because, that's what you do, right? Well, as I researched it more...no!

A temperature is alerting your immune system to fight the germs. So, if you shut that down, your body doesn't fight as hard. So, your fever lasts longer. Gulp. I just put him down for a nap with a bit of Tylenol. Lesson learned. Until it reaches 105 (my pedi actually confirmed this) there is really no cause for concern. Children run higher temps normally, so most times there is no need for alarm. I'm not quite sure I could let it get that high without turning into a panicky mess, but I'll try and refrain from now on with the meds until it hits closer to 103. It was 102.8 when I took him in yesterday.

A friend also suggested that I use essential oils so I delved into Dr. Google again and did some research. I have been using essential oils, that my friend gave me for my insomnia and I will admit it has worked miracles for me. I'm not sure if it's the towel trick my chiropractor suggested, the meditation and prayer, acupressure points I rub before bed, the herbs my TCM gives me or the essential oil, but my sleep has been FAR better. My guess...a little of all of those.

It did get me thinking though how much I've yet to explore the benefits of essential oils. I plan to pick up some peppermint to help with my son's fever, and I'm going to research more how fertility and essential oils can go hand in hand. I'll keep you posted.

I've been doing all I can to limit and eliminate chemical exposure. I spoke about it a little in my "Changes" blog post, but we've done more since. We have no cleaners with chemicals. I've been using Better Life What-Ever. It's ranked "C" on the EWG guide, but after some careful research, the C comes from it being possibly harmful to the environment. Don't get me wrong, I love the environment, and it's much better than most other everyday cleaners, but what I really liked about this one is there is extremely low risk for cancer or developmental or reproductive toxicity. That's an A in my book.

One thing I've learned researching on the EWG is to look at the overall rating, but also why things are rated that way. Some companies use "general" ingredients so they don't get bad reviews. Other companies that are fully transparent get worse reviews because one of the ingredients may be marked higher. Example, if one uses a specific essential oil, it could get a worse review because it could be an allergen for someone or disrupt hormone. You catch my drift. Use discretion and trust your gut.

To clean my carpets I only use vinegar and water. To get out stains hydrogen peroxide. My shower, vinegar and baking soda and then finishing up with Better-Life. You can find it cheaper in store. I know Sprouts and Whole Foods carry it.

I've also ditched my normal deodorant and toothpaste for Tom's because it's healthier. It took a bit to get use to a deodorant versus an antiperspirant, but I like it fine now. I think I'll give purelygreat deodorant a try. It only has four ingredients. I tread a fine line here because I want one that really works (aka, I don't want to smell) yet that is totally risk free. I feel optimistic about this one. Anyone give it a try??


Yesterday I spent a half hour researching sunscreens. We've been using Honest for my son and it works great and has a great ranking with EWG but it's a bit tacky. We'll use up the tubes we have but I'm giving Goddess Garden a whirl because of it's great ranking, reviews and recommendation from a friend. The sunscreen I had been using for my face, had a horrid revue and I was surprised because it is marketed and advertised as good for you...I won't mention it here, but their products are considered "healthy." Do yourself a favor (or don't if you don't want to turn into a panicky mess) and go to EWG.org to research the items you use around your house and on your body. Goddess Garden is available in most health food stores, but I found it cheap at VitaCost and Amazon.

My next project will be revamping my shampoos and body lotions. I quite using hair products years ago. If you have a great suggestion for all organic and chemical free, send them my way.

All my face stuff and make up is Origins. I was surprised it doesn't have great rankings on EWG across the board, but it's more natural and I trust it more than traditional over the counter.

There's been a lot of changes in my life, and I don't say everyone MUST do this. It's a personal preference, but I feel healthier and my body has started to respond to all the changes I've been making. The important thing is to limit what exposure you can and realize that you can't eliminate it all. Or you will go NUTS! And, we're trying to eliminate STRESS number one! Don't stress about every little thing.

Today I'm 5 DPO and my temps remain high. Always hoping for that positive, but if I can get through tomorrow without a period, I'll have made it another step in my healing. (My last luteal phase ended day 6.)

I just have to throw this in here because it was so darn cute. Every morning I do my back exercises as my chiropractor said to loosen my spine (helping my endocrine and nervous system shoot the right messages for hormones) and my husband said, "Babe, look!" I turned and my son was imitating my stretches. Never to young to learn proper spine health :)

As always, God Bless and keep on plugging away! Good luck, ladies!

Cycle 2 So Far So Good

May 2, 2014

Well, all the signs are pointing to I ovulated three days ago. I was tracking everything and my temps have been up for three days, so we'll see how this all plays out. My goal (obviously BFP) but if not this cycle is to see my luteal phase improved. I'd feel better if it crept back up (or down as the case may be) to around 12 days as it was before. Although, would be lovely to get a positive for Mother's Day :)

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment to look at a mole on my collar bone. All clear. While I was there, they weighed me. I am 103 lbs now. Up 5 lbs from when it all began four months ago, so good news. I feel really healthy. My blood pressure was 95/60 so my normal. I think for fertility reasons, it'd be best if I can get my weight up to a consistent 105 lbs. I know, still a bit underweight, but I've always been of slim build. 105 was where I was when I conceived my son.

I'll keep you posted.

My Blog. My Safe Place.

April 19, 2014

Well, my flow has been rather light. Yesterday, was more like heavy spotting or super light flow and today was just a tad of spotting, and my temp went back up. I’ll test for the heck of it tomorrow, although even if I was preggers, it’d most likely be too early to register at 9 days post ovulation.

 I’m testing for nostalgia purposes really. It was two years ago exactly tomorrow that we announced we were expecting Reed. If I were to get a positive, it would just make it that more special. That, and it will be Easter Sunday. Jesus rose from the dead. My ovaries firing an egg seems rather insignificant in comparison.  

If negative, I’ll test later in the week, to be more cautious than anything. It’s most likely so low and so soon after ovulation because my hormones are wacky and trying to balance out, but there is just that inner voice telling me to test to be sure.

There is a small chance it could be implantation bleeding and if there is any chance there is a little bambino in there, I want to make sure to stop my supplements and herbs immediately. As my TCM assured me, it is safe, but I don’t like the thought of any unnecessary herb, supplement, medicine, alcohol, caffeine, whatever floating around in there longer than there needs to be once my little bean is leaching from my blood supply. 

The good thing is, until I got my first period and knew I was pre-ovulation, I’d already decided against the castor oil pack which is really the thing I was most concerned about. Once my cycles regulate, I’ll add that back in if I don’t get a positive first.

I shared in a Facebook mommy group, that has been immensely supportive of my health issues that my period came back and mommies came out of the woodwork with excitement and congratulations. One in particular encouraged me to share my journey and alternative heeling route. When I said I was a big fat chicken because not all online communities are as open minded and supportive (ironically, some of the most critical of alternative healing and the desire to beat POF are the POF support groups) she suggested I write my blog anonymous and turn off the comments if I was concerned about people getting nasty. Not a bad idea. I’m mulling over the anonymous or public…

I think I’ll keep the comments on. I want people to be free to ask questions and share their journey and experiences.  I’ll just delete the ones that get me riled up. My biggest obstacle in this whole journey was reducing stress and anxiety. I’m not going to let criticism put me back in a negative place. I’m at peace now.

I want my blog to be a safe place where people can think outside the box. If it’s not their cup of tea, I totally get it, and I really do support people using traditional means to treat their symptoms if that’s what they want to do. However, people need to understand, it treats their symptoms, and although it does lessen their risk of horrible future problems like osteoporosis, heart disease, stroke, increased cancer risk, etc (which is FANTASTIC and thank God it is out there!!) but it does not treat the disease itself. What saddens me, is when people use traditional means and become miserable and depressed because that is all they think is out there. It makes me sad to see people settle for a life without children when that is all they’ve ever dreamed about because that is what their doctor said they’d have.

There should at least be an option to explore other means. I get it won’t work for everyone, but it will work for some. When I was diagnosed, I searched high and low for hope. If my blog can be home for one single person out there…it’s served its purpose.

Be Fruitful and Multiply

March 23, 2014

I just started reading the most incredible book, “Supernatural Childbirth” by Jackie Mize. It’s a beautiful Christian book that basically states there is no such thing as infertility because God wants us to be fruitful and multiply. It has a lot of biblical passages that support that theory. I love it. I grabbed my bible and am delving in. I’m embarrassed to say, I don’t read it nearly enough.

The book also talks about how pain free childbirth is possible. In one chapter, the author talks about how she just didn’t understand how it could be possible, but the Lord told her to tighten her arm muscle. She did, and although it started to shake and she could tell it was getting exhausted, it didn’t hurt her. Her theory was that was how the muscles should contract during childbirth. This is a book I will reread when we DO get pregnant and I am preparing to give birth.

This book was the exact thing I needed. I have such a peace and calm surrounding me. I KNOW we will have another child. I KNOW it. I’ve faith and certainty.

God is good.

Weaning and Whining

Feb. 22, 2014

Well, today was one of my worst days in regards to my healing “process.” It was the first day that my son was officially weaned. And, it was miserable L For the last four days, I’d already weaned him down to this last nursing session in the morning, and it was our special time together. He’d nurse sometimes as long as a half hour, then we’d snuggle, sing or read stories after before getting ready for the day. I loved it. So did he.

This morning, I went in and he began crying immediately when I didn’t nurse him. I turned on his turtle light and distracted him with letting him push the buttons to change the colors and singing him songs. When he seemed fully awake, I turned on the light and we read some stories.

He seemed fine until nap time. My son hasn’t nursed BEFORE a nap for months now, but he was intent on it. He kept crouching into me trying to get my breast. I offered a bottle and he refused so I laid him down and he SCREAMED!! I came out, my eyes brimming, and my wonderful husband went in to give him the bottle.

My husband came downstairs, looked at me, held out his arms and we both hugged and cried. I have never had such guilt as a mommy as I did today. He kept reassuring me I was doing what is right for my healing and for our future as a family. He was so gentle making sure I know how much he supported me, yet reiterating he knew how difficult this was. He understood, as much as he was able, what a sacrifice it was and how much it hurt me. We’ve prayed so hard, and I keep asking God to bring me peace.

I watch my son playing alone sometimes as I make dinner or do chores and it breaks my heart to think he won’t ever have a sibling to play with, and I know our decision is right. Mentally, I know he is 15 months old, that we have months of frozen milk, that he is healthy and strong and has benefited from nursing to long, but emotionally, it crushes me. I had wanted to nurse him until he was ready to wean, and I feel selfish for making this decision.

When my son work from his nap, when he would typically nurse, I went in, picked him up and we danced. I hummed him a song and just danced with him laying his head on my shoulder for 15 minutes. He pulled his head up, kissed me square on the lips, and laid it back down and we danced some more. The rest of the evening he just wanted to be held and cuddled. My usually active little boy, just laid down on my lap and played in place.

I love my little boy so incredibly much. I know in a few days he will move past this, and I know my heart will hurt much longer than his. I just want him to know I can’t even fathom loving a little person more. I want to be healthy so I can be the best mommy for him long term. I want to give him a little sister or brother so when his dad and I pass on, he has family, someone to love and depend on like my husband and I do.

I know God has given me this burden for a greater purpose. I pray I can be strong, be faithful, be optimistic and be an example to others.

And…my goodness, those herbs are HORRIBLE! It’s like drinking sludge.

On a happy note, I decided to try an OPK. Since my LH was insanely high before, they just always appeared positive. And it was NEGATIVE!!! I suppose it could have been diluted urine, but I hadn’t used the bathroom in three hours and we’d taken a walk and I forgot my water bottle, so I really, really don’t think it was. If my OPK was negative, that means my hormone levels are dropping into a normal range. OPK’s don’t show positive until your LH is 25. My last blood draw, my LH was 98 (yikes!!!)

I also did a castor oil pack tonight. It was actually pretty relaxing. Normally, after Reed goes to bed, I clean, shower and work. Tonight, I put the pack on, put a heating pad over it and surfed the web on my phone and began reading a play. The thought of having 30-45 minutes three days a week to just read a book or magazine seems indulgent and divine. I haven’t done that in almost a year and a half.

I cringe going into any forums or “support groups” for POF because the only “support” I see is that people have completely accepted what the doctors have told them and are supporting each other through that horrible journey. Whenever anyone seems to mention trying to get pregnant, they give each other the same horrid adoption / egg donor speech they received. There is MORE to health than an ovary not working. I’m really starting to embrace Eastern medicine. The body as a WHOLE must be healthy for reproductive health. Western medicine has done amazing things, but I think this is one area they really need to explore. Western medicine treats POF symptoms, but not the underlying cause.

I’m feeling pretty optimistic in spite of the rough day. I just trust I will have restored health and that we will be blessed with another baby. This journey is for a purpose. I will shed light on this disease. I will let others be at peace this is not the end. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

God Bless.