A chance meeting

Jan. 8, 2018

I'm nearing four years since my diagnosis. Last night, I went back through all my emails from my doctor to see the exact day. Jan. 14 was the day I received the email with haywire hormonal levels. New Years is always the time it's all kind of fresh in my thoughts. It was New Year's Eve I took a pregnancy test to judge if I could have a glass of champagne, so those feelings of excitement at being pregnant and then all the emotions that followed of a miscarriage, then not...to being irriversably infertile, to embryo donation to mommyhood again. Quite the journey. People offer condolenses all the time and I say "Don't." Sure, it sucked at the time, but I wouldn't have my son. I'd live that day over and over and over again knowing I get to hold this precious boy in my arms.

Yesterday in the nursery at church another mom asked me where S gets his curly hair. 

Typically, I just comment how genes are funny or something to not get into the whole thing of it in passing, but for some reason I responded “Well, he has a unique story...” and shared our journey. Her eyes filled with tears and she told me her baby now was a complete surprise, but after her first they were diagnosed with secondary infertility. They’d done ivf for their second child and they’d leftover embryos. She’d heard of EDA but couldn’t bear to give their child away and they were going to donate them to science, but after knowing me and seeing Seeley and me together she didn’t think she could. 

Their contract was up this month for storage and they had to make a decision very soon. She told me she'd never met someone who'd been involved in the process. Both of us teary eyed, I asked her to consider donation, that I couldn't fathom life without this little boy. I brushed those curly locks and said he wouldn't be alive without our donor's making a choice to donate.

She asked questions regarding our situation. If we were open, anonymous, and I answered them all. I offered to set her up in support groups for mixed or just donors if she wanted. She didn't know if there were enough recipients out there and I reassured her there were dozens of couples, women and even men waiting for every donor that opted to donate. 

Her husband and herself had been going back and forth for months and had come to the decision he would draw up the paperwork and make a decision without her knowledge so she could be at peace. After us talking, she told me she was going to talk to her husband, and she felt clear on what she should do. Tearfully, she said God put me in her path. Tearfully, I told her the Spirit prompted me to share our story, because typically, I don't tell it in passing. I’m so glad I shared with her. I’d no idea. I’m glad she was open to it, and I hope another family is blessed. I pray they donate and bless a family and allow those precious little embryos a chance at life to run and thrive like my little boy. He's such a blessing. So loved. So cherished. So full of life and love.

I'm so blessed. God is good.

Dear Embryo Donor

Dear Anonymous Embryo Donor,

You don't know me. I may just look like an average woman on the street. Maybe you see me hurried to get my son to school or hear my laughter ring out. You may see me smiling with friends or waiting in a grocery line. But, that isn't all of me.

You haven't seen my tears or seen me crumble in a pile asking God why. You haven't heard my prayers or glimpsed the pain in my eyes at yet another negative test. You don't know the burden on my heart or my marriage... You changed that.

You have blessed me. You have dried my eyes. You have answered my prayers. You have put a glint of happiness in my eyes and joy into my heart.

Dear donor, you have allowed me to once again feel that optimism of a positive pregnancy test. You have allowed me that moment of utter delight and tears or joy to see that flicker of a heart and hear that beautiful beat. You've given me the chance to experience the exhaustion, the sickness, the discomfort of growing a baby, and I'm grateful. You have allowed me to feel my baby move around inside me, taking my breath away with each kick. You have allowed me the utter amazement as I look at an ultrasound and count ten little fingers and ten little toes. See a little nose and mouth, legs and arms. You have given me the gift of childbirth - each mind boggling contraction bringing forth absolutely raw emotion and unmatched strength I didn't know I was capable of. You allowed me to see my incredible boy being brought into this world. To hold his slippery little body against my chest as his cord stopped pumping. For his father to cut the cord and stare at amazement at his son. To look into his big brown eyes and kiss every inch of his perfect little body. You have allowed me to feed him and sustain him. To hug him and cuddle him.

You have allowed me the honor or waking up to feed him, calm him, change him and love him. Utterly exhausted, I'm still grateful to catch a glimpse of his sweet face as he nurses by moonlight, to breathe in his unmistakable scent as I rock him to sleep, to feel that soft tickle of his hair against my chin.

You have allowed me the honor of calming him when he is tired. Hugging him when he is scared. Consoling him when he is inconsolable. You have granted me the privilege of caring for him when he is sick, fighting for him when he is helpless and loving him with every ounce of my being.

You have graced me with the gift of his laughter and his wide bright smile that lights up a room. You have let me be amazed by his strength, his easy demeanor and his endless chatter.

Dear donor, I will never be able to look you in the eyes and thank you from the very core of my being for such a selfless gift. You undoubtedly questioned what to do. You most likely wondered if a family could love your babies as much as you could. You may have considered destroying your embryos or donating them to science. You may have wavered wondering if you could do it. Let them go. You may have cried, questioned, cursed, yelled.

Thank you for your selflessness. Thank you for blessing our family with the gift of a child. Thank you for blessing our son with a life. An opportunity to grow, love, live. We will always let him know he was conceived, in love. You loved him so much you gave him an opportunity at life. He was wanted from day one. By you. By us. He will know how much we yearned for him. Prayed for him. He will know he is loved by all of us.

I look at my son and tears spring to my eyes on a daily basis knowing had you made a different decision, he would not exist. That is unfathomable to me. He is perfect. He is special. He is loved. I know with every fiber of my being our son was intended for us by God. He is with us for a reason.

Dear donor. Thank you. We love you. We pray for you.

You may look like an average man and woman on the street...but you are more. You are our angels. God bless you always.