Lump Update

Feb. 2, 2018

Well, the update on the lump is there is no update. They couldn't see it. At all. To tell you the truth, I went into the appointment pretty peaceful. Random moments of what if, but overall, feeling pretty good. I'd get an answer. Bad news with how to proceed, or good news to put my mind at ease. Instead...nothing. No.Thing. Grrrr.

I arrived early and met with the genetic counselor who gave me a little box to take to the lab. Because my grandma, maternal and paternal aunt, and maternal cousin have had breast cancer (cousin at 42) they decided to run a full panel of 27 genes for breast cancer, ovarian cancer and colon cancer. It was free, so I said why not. I see no disadvantage. I was able to give her the paperwork from my aunt and cousin's genetic testing as well.

I'd spoken in advance with my genetic counselor and she arranged with the lactation department to rent a pump if they needed a bilateral mammogram. She was incredibly helpful.

So, I showed up to my appointment and was ushered in by a tech all business. I told her I had a bottle if I should express milk and she said don't bother. Just put the robe on open side up and lay down. Easy enough. I felt like I had a bit of milk, but trusted her. She did a quick look at my right breast (with the lump) and left breast and said nothing abnormal. I looked at her like, are you nuts. It was two minutes total, if that.

"Well, the doctor said if it was nothing you'd be able to tell."

Silence.

"If there was a cyst or something else there, wouldn't you be able to see it?"

"Yes."

"Well, something is there. I'm a little concerned you can't see anything one way or the other."

Silence.

I asked her if I could express some milk to feel the lump better, so she excused herself for about two minutes. I emptied about 1.5 oz and she came back in. Put the wand up and said all normal. I had to literally take her hand and put it on the lump. "Do you feel that?" "Yes, it's small."

Yeah...but there. She did a quick scan again and said all clear. At this point, I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable about all this. Something should show. Something. She dismissed it as normal breast tissue or a duct.

"Well...a duct should empty and fill, right?"

"Yes."

"Why does this stay the same then? And, small and hard?"

"I don't know, but nothing shows up."

At this point, she tells me she can't do a mammogram because I'm nursing and says if I want to wean, I can come back in a few weeks and they will do one. I told her I've no desire to wean if it's not a medical necessity and she tells me...I kid you not... "Aren't you suppose to wean by one anyway?"

I literally felt my blood pressure rise. "No. They encourage you to breastfeed UNTIL one years old at a minimum, but you can nurse as long as you like."

She smirks. "Well, he's old enough, you can wean whenever."

Me shooting daggers. My internal monologue is "I don't want your parenting advice, thank you very much. Just do your job and find the damn lump." *apologies for the language*

So, what to do?? Wait and see? She said just monitor it. If it gets larger, ask my doctor for another referral. Ooookkkaaaayyyy... Very uneasy. I left. She took the initial images from her two minute ultrasound to the radiologist who saw nothing, so what else can I do?

I emailed my doctor saying they didn't see anything, did she feel it warranted a second opinion? Watching and waiting? An MRI? My aunt and cousin, both breast cancer warrior survivors really are pushing for the MRI. I went on a few forums last night trying to see people who had a lump and it not showing up on an ultrasound and it was unnerving. Advice - never go into cancer forums before bedtime. yeesh.

So, I wait for the doctor. I don't like being a "problem patient" but with my history, I'd feel much more calm with an official, it's nothing to worry about, the MRI was unnecessary than a "you should have pursued this sooner six months or a year down the road."

So, as it stands I will obsessively feel my lump assessing any changes.

Non lump related, I'm looking forward to a little family time this weekend. It's been incredibly warm here, so perhaps a nice hike.

God bless.

Lump

Jan. 24, 2018

Ahhhh, the milk makers. Classy, right? Ok, I jest, kind of. I'm very prone to clogged ducts. I'm an oversupplier. So, when I found a lump a few weeks ago I shrugged it off. BUT, because I'm so prone to clogged ducts, I know them well. This was not so. No inflammation, no swelling, no pain, no milk backed up, no mastisis. No amount of massaging, heating, dangle feeding will make this one budge. So, may as well make sure it's nothing right?

I had a little health scare a month with a ginormous swollen lymph node. We're talking a golf ball on my neck. Mild panic around the doctors offices, sending me to the lab and xrays immediately, ushering me into specialists within 24 hrs, CTs and biopsies scheduled. Turned out, just an infection. I was able to cancel the CT and biopsy when the swelling went down on it's own considerable within 48 hrs. Within two weeks, it was gone.

So...I'm hoping this is all the same thing. It is on the same side...mental note to bring that up to the doc. Anyway, I went in today and she found the bump easily without my pointing it out. "Oh, yup. Right here. It kind of has something extending too." I felt that too, but thought it was my imagination.

It's hard. Pea size and right up against my chest wall. If you press it against the rib, it's very noticeable or dangle and press into the breast tissue. She said it could be a gamut of things. Cyst, fibrous tissue, possible even a node or duct that had a bit of infection - but I'd most likely be experiencing signs of infection, so we're thinking that's not it.

She asked if breast cancer ran in the family. Sadly, yes. Grandma, two aunts and a cousin. Any other female cancers like uterine or ovarian...well, yes, my mom. Oooookay. So, she also suggests genetic testing. My aunt and cousin didn't have the carrier for breast cancer, but my aunt on the paternal side didn't get it. I'm still optimistic I'm in the clear ;)

Because I'm breastfeeding, mammogram is ruled out. I'm under 40 with fibrous tissue and a lot of active ducts and nodes in there that'd just make it a nightmare to read. I'm grateful. I know mammograms save lives, but if we already KNOW there is a mass, unnecessary radiation doesn't sound ideal to me...and quite honestly ridiculously painful and messy - I pity the radiologist squishing all that milk out, and sounds like a barrel of clogged ducts and inflammation after. Ouch. She concurred. We'd be doing an unnecessary procedure where we know we'd move to diagnostic ultrasound anyway. (By the way, as I did some research ahead of time, most insurances now will allow breast ultra sounds once a year instead of mammograms if you know how to push the issue - no radiation and more detailed imagery. If they do require mammograms, you can always ask if your provider will do thermal imaging to lessen exposure to radiation.) So, ultrasound scheduled for next Thursday.

As I was with the nurse scheduling it, she came out and said as she was putting in the orders, she is trusting her gut...between family history and the feel, she wanted to put in an order for a diagnostic bilateral mammogram in case the u/s looks like further steps are necessary. She said it'd be good to have the order in place so they can do it immediately versus place the order, wait for her to sign off and around and around we go. They don't like to do those on nursing moms (explanation above) but she thought that'd be a necessary step at that point to see how far the growth extended to know the next plan of action. Hopefully, it will be a mute point and not required.

So, I play the waiting game again, to hopefully get the all clear :) I'm very optimistic all is fine. The lymph was a pretty horrifying sight, lol, and I remained calm throughout all that. My feeling was it's either nothing, or cancer, but caught way early with providers who were crazy proficient and moving very quickly and proactively. Same here.

Until then, toss up a few prayers for lumpy or nodey breasts. I'll slather on some peace and calming oils, have a few chats with the Big Guy upstairs and enjoy some extra cuddles and nursing sessions knowing these ladies have provided life, love and comfort to two little guys and they'll continue to do the job they were made to do as long as necessary.

God bless.

Milk Donation

Jan. 17, 2018

I touched yesterday on milk donation. I'm a chronic over producer. In the early days it irritated me. It was constant engorgement, discomfort, blocked ducts and pain. I still get annoyed time to time and wrestle with the occasional blocked duct - all you ladies out there doing the dangle feed...holla!

BUT, I realize how blessed I am. I never had to scramble for food or slave over lactation cookies (although those buggers are good, right?? or take additional supplements like fenugreek or brewers yeast.) Don't get me wrong - fed is best and thank God for formulas, right? There are kids though that can't tolerate formula or need a little extra support breast milk can provide.

I filled up my chest freezer to the brim. There ain't no more room in there. With my first son, I had to wean at 14 months and my stash got us to 18 months of liquid gold. Now that S has officially hit 14 months and I'm still going strong nursing and my health is good, I feel comfortable giving away some of that to a baby that needs it. I wrestled 46 bags out - about 250 oz and donated it today to a mom whose son was in the NICU for several months. He came very early and she's only able to produce about 1 oz at a time. I felt so good that my milk didn't go to waste as it was creeping up on the 9-12 month mark.

I didn't know about Human Milk 4 Human Babies until I was trying to donate it to anyone local and someone clued me in. Ladies - if you are an overproducer - get in there. If you are an underproducer and would like to supplement with donated milk - get in there! Search Human Milk 4 Human Babies and your state on Facebook. NO SELLING! Ugh. A nightmare of a woman in there with a sob story about needing milk for her baby was just caught accepting DONATED milk and selling it - karma baby. Karma! Makes me sick.

There are organizations you can use to donate to hospitals as well, but this mama drinks a cup of coffee in the am and uses essential oils which some programs don't allow. Heck, most don't allow any supplements aside from prenatals and some are very strict on your diet. In this group, you share honestly your lifestyle and people choose to accept your milk if it fits their stipulations. Example, some babies can't tolerate dairy, so list that as a recipient you need donated milk no dairy - or search a donor for a no dairy diet.

I'll be real with you. My child...is the result of donation. He would not EXIST without the sacrifice, heart and love of our donors. Finding this group has given me an excitement to maybe repay that in a teeny tiny microscopic way.

Human Milk 4 Human Babies!

Get in there!

Mindful Living

Jan. 16, 2018

I was heading to bed last night, and while I was praying, this blog kept coming to my mind. When I started it, it was all about healthy living and changes to support my health. It was more focused on fertility at the time, but my attitude of the TCM philosophy of whole body wellness certainly has carried over into my family's day to day life.

It's funny, but this whole health crisis has done so much good for our life. Ironic, isn't it? The thing that just devastated me...saved me. I remember HATING the phrase "everything happens for a reason" and although I don't like it, because it diminishes actual pain and hurt you are experiencing at the time, there is an element of truth to it.

Without POF, I would never have analyzed our lives and found healthier solutions. I certainly wouldn't have our son. I cannot FATHOM that! We rid our lives of so many unnecessary toxins like candles, air fresheners, cleaners, personal care products with known endocrine disruptors (HELLO INFERTILITY RED FLAG!!!) We've attempted to eat whole, organic foods, although I will admit, I am not as good as I once was in this department. Working full time, taking care of the kids, I fall prey to more packaged foods than I care to, but I AM more conscious of the ingredients that are in them at least.

Premature Ovarian failure was my wake up call. Although this blog is all about my journey with fertility and embryo donation, it started as my journey back to health and wellness, so I'm taking the reigns again...although I may not be taking back my ovaries, I am sharing how I took back my life!

Bookmark www.ewg.org This will be your new bible. Download Think Dirty on your smart phone. You will scan scan scan all your products at the store with this.

First - get rid of the crap in your home. Seriously. Get rid of it. Any candle, air freshener, fragrance warmer - trash it. TRASH it! These are the LEADING causes of infertility and indoor pollution. You want lovely scents, stick with a diffuser.

Next, get rid of your cleaners with harsh chemicals. They are bad for you. They are bad for your kids. They are bad for your pets. They are bad for the environment. You do NOT need harsh chemicals to have a safe, clean environment. Vinegar, baking soda, non toxic cleaners will be your best friend. I make no secret, I love Young Living, and Thieves cleaner is where it's at. Seriously. It's like $22 wholesale for a bottle of concentrate that makes 20 bottles. It works out to about a buck a bottle and it is SAFE. It's BY FAR the best cleaner I've ever used and if you look up clinical studies it cleans as effective as bleach, lysol or any others on the market. You will not find an organic, plant based, non toxic cleaner anywhere that cheap. It smells awesome, and my five year old is in charge of cleaning.

Your dryer sheets. Trash them. They release harmful chemicals, are horrid for the environment and have endocrine disrupting fragrances that you not only breathe in while you dry your clothes, but then you actually WEAR them against your skin. Use wool dryer balls like these. These will shorten your dry time by 15 minutes or so and reduce static cling. If you have issues with static, put a safety pin in one. If you like your clothes to smell good, drop some essential oil on there. Some of my favorites are Purification, Lavender or Orange. Buy them here.

Stick with safer laundry detergents. Thieves laundry detergent is great. Rockin Green detergent in great. We love using our Eco Egg. Make sure you get the fragrance free - it uses minerals and you can do about 720 loads for under $40. Super cheap and effective.

Essential Oils are the big thing in our family we use to support our wellness. Things like Thieves, which has clove (high on the ORAC index for antioxidant) is something we use to support our immune systems daily. These are the essential oils I hold near and dear after experimenting with a lot of brands and doing a lot of research. You can do more research on this brand here. I choose oils for my family's wellness because they can literally support every single body system naturally, effectively and safely when used properly. A brief 101 email course is here.

I always encourage people starting out to invest in a Premium Starter Kit because it's affordable and takes the guess work out of what you need starting out. It already has the diffuser, and has eleven essential oils and blends that are the most popular, daily use oils. As a wholesale member you're privvy to 24% off retail pricing on all their oils, wellness products, supplements, cleaners, personal care, makeup, etc. You also can opt to enroll in their essential reward program and can be plugged in to all our educational groups. It's the introductory offer Young Living has where you get about $360 worth of products for $160. Well worth the investment in my opinion (and by now you know how thrifty I am...) It's literally supported every single body system including our immune, respiratory, limbic, hormonal, endocrine, skeletal, muscular,etc helped promote restful sleep, supported concentration, focus, energy, mood...did I mention one of the blends is literally called Stress Away.

We also use elderberries as a way to support our immune system. I buy them whole and make syrup, but you can purchase it premade as well here. I follow the wellness mama's recipe for syrup as well as the gummies. I've tweaked her recipe to include NingXia and Thieves.

Elderberry NingXia Red Thieves gummies

1 cup elderberry syrup
1/4 cup NingXia red
1/4 cup hot water
1/4 cup gelatin powder
Thieves vitality essential oil
silicone gummy bear molds

Add gelatin to 1/4 cup room temperature NingXia Red and whisk together. Add 1/4 cup hot water to dissolve. Add one cup elderberry syrup and add five drops Thieves vitality.

This usually makes enough to fill the above gummy molds and two mini muffin pans halfway. I give my five year old three gummies, one year old one gummy, and my husband and myself have a muffin tin gummy.

As far as things I use to support my body overall, I've continued taking my Smarty Pants prenatal vitamins. I like these in particular because they use folate not folic acid. They also do not contain iron. As someone with hemochromatosis, I can't have iron.  Other pregnant and breastfeeding women supplement with other iron supplements in addition to this. Some popular ones I've heard of are Rainbow Light  or Vitmamin Code.

I take an awesome bio available calcium supplement called Super Cal Plus sourced from red algae. It's a Young Living product. I was also very happy with Garden of Life calcium. Both of those option have the appropriate D3, K2 and magnesium to make absorption of the calcium possible in your body. Do NOT take a calcium supplement without those three additional vitamins. It can lead to calcification of the arteries. Your body does not absorb in into the bones.

Another thing I've learned in regards to bone health is the important of silica. When I learned about POF and heard all the horror stories about osteopenia and osteoporosis, everyone just stressed calcium. They are all not the same (see above) but no one told me about the PRECURSOR to your bones building themselves. They need silica to convert into collagen to convert into bones. Mind blown. A lot of the meds on the market harden your bones. What does that do...well, think of a vase. You drop it. It shatters. Do you want your bones doing that? Bones should be malleable. You want them strong, but they are living.

Look into a high quality silica. I use Biosil. I buy the drops like this and put them in capsules like this. You can also buy premade capsules of Biosil like this...making my own is just more cost effective ;) You can also drink Diatomaceous Earth. That's right - dirt!! It's incredibly high in silica which is beneficial for bones, teeth, nails and hair. Also, very cheap! Be sure you get food grade! You can also mix a grass fed collagen like the gelatin powder listed in the gummy recipe to up your collagen intake as well. A lot of people are deficient in magnesium so if the calcium above still don't do the trick, I recommend epsom salt baths (magnesium is absorbed best through the skin) or using Natural Calm Magnesium. You can also get a magnesium oil to rub on your feet at night before bed.

I take a high quality fish oil. I use Young Living's OmegaGize, but you can also get a great plant based DHA/EPA called Deva that is a vegan formulation. I like the OmegaGize also has CoQ10, which was important to my health before. I do take Vitamin C from Young Living as well, but I'm sure there are some great additional ones on the market.

I have started to embrace Apple Cider Vinegar. Bragg is an excellent brand that is raw and unfilited. It has the mother in it. I didn't put a link, because it's cheaper at a grocery store than online. You can just drink a bit in warm water with honey.

I love love love Progessence Plus. It is a Young Living serum, and it contains wild yam. Do your research on wild yam and see if it'd be beneficial to you. There are several supplements they have to support hormonal health, but as a nursing mom, I choose to wait until I wean my son to do anything that'd support hormonal function. I'm trusting God is keeping things running smoothly to keep my milk coming.

Whew...I think that is all the key things. I'm sure throughout the next few days I'll keep thinking of more and come back to edit and add. We've really come to view our bodies as things we support BEFORE there are issues. I equate it to a car. You fuel it up. It runs. You change the oil. It keep ticking. You rotate and air the tires. They work. You don't...disaster. The engine burns out. You get a flat tire. A small $2 fix turns into a $2000 fix.

I encourage you to get some exercise. Get your sleep. Meditate or pray. Practice preventative care. Find your happy. I started this journey to find health and happiness, and although it's a constant journey, I've learned so much along the way about self love.

In other news, I've a chest full of milk and found a wonderful organization called Human Milk 4 Human Babies. If you are on Facebook and overproduce, or under produce, look up your state. I feel so at peace that some of my excess milk is helping a little guy who was born 12 weeks premature. There are so many babies in need and so many moms who want to help people out who don't produce enough.

God bless!

A chance meeting

Jan. 8, 2018

I'm nearing four years since my diagnosis. Last night, I went back through all my emails from my doctor to see the exact day. Jan. 14 was the day I received the email with haywire hormonal levels. New Years is always the time it's all kind of fresh in my thoughts. It was New Year's Eve I took a pregnancy test to judge if I could have a glass of champagne, so those feelings of excitement at being pregnant and then all the emotions that followed of a miscarriage, then not...to being irriversably infertile, to embryo donation to mommyhood again. Quite the journey. People offer condolenses all the time and I say "Don't." Sure, it sucked at the time, but I wouldn't have my son. I'd live that day over and over and over again knowing I get to hold this precious boy in my arms.

Yesterday in the nursery at church another mom asked me where S gets his curly hair. 

Typically, I just comment how genes are funny or something to not get into the whole thing of it in passing, but for some reason I responded “Well, he has a unique story...” and shared our journey. Her eyes filled with tears and she told me her baby now was a complete surprise, but after her first they were diagnosed with secondary infertility. They’d done ivf for their second child and they’d leftover embryos. She’d heard of EDA but couldn’t bear to give their child away and they were going to donate them to science, but after knowing me and seeing Seeley and me together she didn’t think she could. 

Their contract was up this month for storage and they had to make a decision very soon. She told me she'd never met someone who'd been involved in the process. Both of us teary eyed, I asked her to consider donation, that I couldn't fathom life without this little boy. I brushed those curly locks and said he wouldn't be alive without our donor's making a choice to donate.

She asked questions regarding our situation. If we were open, anonymous, and I answered them all. I offered to set her up in support groups for mixed or just donors if she wanted. She didn't know if there were enough recipients out there and I reassured her there were dozens of couples, women and even men waiting for every donor that opted to donate. 

Her husband and herself had been going back and forth for months and had come to the decision he would draw up the paperwork and make a decision without her knowledge so she could be at peace. After us talking, she told me she was going to talk to her husband, and she felt clear on what she should do. Tearfully, she said God put me in her path. Tearfully, I told her the Spirit prompted me to share our story, because typically, I don't tell it in passing. I’m so glad I shared with her. I’d no idea. I’m glad she was open to it, and I hope another family is blessed. I pray they donate and bless a family and allow those precious little embryos a chance at life to run and thrive like my little boy. He's such a blessing. So loved. So cherished. So full of life and love.

I'm so blessed. God is good.

How is my baby almost 13 months?

Dec. 8, 2017

Oh my gracious! How is my sweet boy almost 13 months old? I meant to update at a year and somehow another month passed. We had an incredible celebration. S had a Mickey Mouse party and was just so precious. He wasn't quite certain what to do with his cake, but flung it on his brother who didn't might licking it up in the least. These two are quite a handful. Quite the pair. I couldn't be more blessed.

It has been just incredible watching these two together. R is so, so so patient and kind with his brother. He had a birthday just 11 days after and S of course wants every single toy he grabs. Watching him graciously give everything to S is just so sweet. He has such a tender heart. And, S wants to be just like him. In every way. Their dynamic is so sweet.

He's doing great. He's settled into going to daycare a few days a week so I can work. A new teacher came in, and she has such a gentle spirit. S responds so well to her. He's running around, and WOW, such a climber. My first boy was nothing like that. S, anything he can scale, he will. He's such a determined and resolute little guy. He knows exactly what he wants and will not settle for less. He also has a little temper. If he doesn't get his way, he just throws his little body. I have to be careful he doesn't hurt himself.

On the flip side, he has such a good sense of humor. He's happy and easy going and plays well with others and quietly by himself. His happy place is outdoors and he could go for walks and play out there all day long. We have a back patio with a sliding glass door, and he always whips it wide open to go play in the sandbox. He's sleeping pretty good. The last few weeks, just one wake up per night, so that's a-ok by me. I listen to some women complain, but after R...wow. One wake up, is NICE. R would wake up 10-12 times per night. I was exhausted!!

We're still nursing and that is going strong. He is hit and miss on food. It's ironic, because early on he wanted EVERYTHING. Once he started teething though, he's become very picky. He's on the upper ranges for weight and height though, so I'm not concerned.

Our life is a bit of an upheaval right now. We are renters and our landlords told us they want to sell. We've spent the last several months looking at townhomes for purchase or places to rent. I'm praying the perfect opportunity presents itself. I'm emotional about moving. This was the place we got married, got pregnant, took our babies home. It will be hard to leave.

Work has been busy. My day job is for an inventory specialist and it's been chaotic with all the fires out here in SoCal. Young Living is going great, and I celebrated hitting Silver last month. It's been so fulfilling helping so many people find healthier options in their life. Such a God thing - I'm grateful it was placed in my path. Acting has been sloooooooow. I'm really needing to get my hair cut and some new headshots. One of my goals for the New Year.

On the baby front, I have moments where I'd really like another child. Financially, I know that isn't the most ideal situation. I think my husband is just overwhelmed by the whole idea. I'm sure as time plods on, it will be clear for both of us. Until then, I'm enjoying and thanking God for my two greatest blessings.

Health wise...I feel good. I've been trying to exercise - mostly pushing the stroller, but my hormones don't seem too wacky side effect wise. I take my progessense plus religiously as well as my Biosil, calcium (Young Living's is the bomb dot com) and prenatal (sans iron thank you very much.) I feel good. Just tired...but I credit that to the boys and work. lol

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season.

Blessings!

Almost One Year

Nov. 2, 2017

Wow. This is the one year anniversary of my due date. Granted, he decided to chill in there a little longer until eviction, but I'm amazed. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all. It still feels so vivid and recent that he was born. He's such an amazing kid. He's walking, talking more everyday. Watching him play with his big brother, honestly, it just brings tears to my eyes. They love each other so much. R, my oldest, is just incredible with him. An amazing big brother. And S, our little snowflake, just adores big brother. Always trying to do exactly what he does...which can be dangerous...literally and figuratively. I'm constantly chasing him making sure he doesn't hurt himself. He's fearless.

It's been a wild ride. I look at him everyday and thank my lucky stars. Wow, God knew what he was doing. Our life would NOT be complete without him in it. He has the most boisterous, lovely laugh, and so smart...oh, so smart. When he wakes up in the morning, when I get him out of the crib, he gives me the biggest bear hug. Feeling those arms wrapped around me...there is nothing like it.

R is thriving in school. He's in TK now and I'm shaking my head how that happened. He'll be five next month. I look at S turning one and then think, how in the world have five years gone by. I remember starting this blog four years ago, traumatized by having to wean him. Four years I've been here. Amazing. It really makes me think over this whole journey. There were some hard times. Lots of tears. But, oh so worth it. If you are reading - so. worth. it.

I'm going to make an effort to check in here more often.

God Bless!