Spilling the Beans

Feb. 21, 2015

Well, I woke up to a much stronger line. Top was yesterday, bottom was today. It darkened as it dried. I shot off a text to my hubby who is out of town who could notice right away it was darker. If man eyes can see it, everyone can see it :) I joked, do you want me to take the First Response to compare as well? "Sure!"

Instead I dug out a digital I didn't even know we had with an expiration this may and figured why not...

Undeniable.

This morning before church, my son and I called my mom to ask if they could skype however my son started screaming into the phone "Big Brother. I'm going to be a Big Brother." So...as of this moment, my mom knows, but not my step dad or sisters. She was at the bowling alley with them all when it happened. I told her she could tell, but I'd prefer to tell them myself so she swore she'd keep it under wraps until we can skype with my step dad.

Next, we Facetimed my sister and parents (dad and step mom - in case all the parental references are getting confusing) and she ran downstairs so my son could share his message. He screamed "Big Brother at them about a half dozen times." They stared clueless but I could hear my sister, who worked for years at a daycare start laughing and translate for them. Instantly, tears flooded my step mom's eyes and there were a lot of cheers!

My son recorded a special message for all his aunt's and uncles. Sadly, I don't think anyone can understand the little guy screaming Big Brother into the phone, but I did say if you need a translation let me know. We were going to try to skype or Facetime everyone individually, but I know everyone's schedules are hectic and wanted to ensure they all found out today.

I'll totally admit I let my best friend know yesterday as well as my friend who has also done EA. They both were ecstatic and my childhood friend called a flurry of emotion. I could tell she was crying.

It's funny. Last time we planned a wonderful and sentimental announcement near the end of first tri. With this one, we will do something to let people know more widespread, but for our family, we needed them to know right away as they've literally been there, praying every step of the way with us. Strength in numbers. Strength in prayers.

My husband's family doesn't know yet. He did tell me his brother does because he asked how things were going and he let him know we got a positive. As for his parents, they don't know. Today is his grandma's visitation, and the funeral is tomorrow. His parents are very peaceful with her passing. She was a strong woman of faith and her suffering is over. I know this unexpected joy would be received as good and comforting news to them.

I'm just so excited! I pray for this little baby, that he or she continues to grow strong. I pray for a great doubling beta, a strong heartbeat, a happy and healthy nine months, an uncomplicated pregnancy, a fantastic birth and a long, healthy life for this little person. That's not too much to ask for is it?? lol

We've been full of such peace and hope this time around. We've had such support and encouragement. We are blessed.

PREGNANT!!!!!

Feb. 20, 2016

We are PREGNANT!!! You're reading this blog a tad late, because I am writing it now, but am waiting to publish it until we tell everyone who needs to be told personally. I've a few family members and friends that read this, and a blog isn't the ideal way for them to hear ;) Although, I've been getting texts this morning that no one has heard from my blog and for an update...

It is 4dp5dt. We had NO intention of testing today, but my husband's grandma passed away. My husband is traveling, and since my son and I can't join him and he won't be back until next Tuesday night, we could have waited until 9dp5dt to test or wing it today. He really wanted to be the one to dip the stick this time. So, on a whim, I set some urine aside and when he woke said "Hey, almost no chance it'd register yet, but if you want to give it a try, go ahead."

At first, he was bummed because it didn't pop up right away and left the room so I could use the restroom, but as I glanced over "Baaaaaaaaaaaaaabe?!?! Grab the First Response test in the closet. There is a line. I swear there is a line."

"No way!"

I ran the test out to him and he said "There is, but it's super light." So, we dipped the First Response and again he got frustrated it didn't pop up right away. So, I came in. "It's RIGHT THERE!!" "What?" There!! That line!!"

"Well, yeah, but it's not as dark as this one."

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!"

He told me he still wasn't convinced because it was light. Hold on, let me post it in my mom group... He had to laugh because instantaneously people started chiming in their congrats. "Seeeeeeee!"

I understand his hesitation with all our false positives in the past, so we agreed we aren't telling anyone until we see it darken. I'll test again tomorrow.

It is just such a joy and relief. I had no intention to see a positive this early which is why I tested. I could have easily passed it off as too early if it was negative. The positive was just way too exciting and unexpected.

Two days ago, I did have a spot of pink blood on my liner when I changed it. I kept trying not to get my hopes up that it could be implantation spotting, but of course that's where my mind went. I've been feeling good though. No cramping since the day after transfer.

I'll keep you posted as things progress. Today, just enjoying being pregnant and singing my praises to God!

1dp5dt

Feb. 17, 2016

Well, one day down. Almost. Feeling good. Having really bad cramps. I'm trying to remember last time if they were this bad. Since it was a negative last time, I assume it was either from the procedure or the embryo had implanted and just arrested. I'll never know. I DO know that today, I'm having really bad cramping. It started super low like little bursts and has just morphed into really bad menstrual like cramps all over. Just dull and achy. Whenever I get up, I just feel sore and like there is a lot of pressure.

Other than that, I feel good. I didn't do the whole bedrest thing this time. I took it easy yesterday and was a couch potato watching shows, but I refused to work to limit stress. It was nice! My son came and snuggled with me before bed and I read him stories on the couch. I slept downstairs as well. I did want to avoid the stairs the first day - maybe a silly precaution, but that was one thing my RE was rather adamant about and I didn't want those "what if" feelings. I will admit it was nice to sleep without my son waking me. Fell to dad last night ;) Hm...maybe I need another night without the stairs, eh?

Last night it was very sweet. My husband pulled out the photo of the embryo at dinner and explained to our son that we called it a "snowflake" and it was tiny tiny and hopefully someday would be a baby. We explained it was in mommy's tummy and mommy couldn't pick him up for a little bit. After dinner, when we were on the couch, he lifted up my shirt and laid his head on my tummy. He kissed it. Melts my heart. I hope that little guy / gal in there is snuggling in deep. He / she has an amazing big brother waiting for them.

This morning, my son came down to wake me and we snuggled and watched cartoons and I got him ready. My husband dropped him at school, but I'm picking him up tonight. I've just been working from the couch today making sure to get up every few hours to get the blood pumping.

I started the Lovenox last night. Not too bad. I will say it stings to push that needle in, but it does to the rear as well. The Lovenox goes into your fat in your stomach. You have to basically squish it up and stab it in there. I think it actually stings more because you are watching it go in and have to give it a good shove. It did bruise a tiny bit - it just looks like a blood blister. It bled more than the intramuscular ones in my butt. I'm thinking the nurse was right and I'll have to move to my legs at some point. I'll have to take a photo later into this process. My stomach will be riddled with bruised dots. lol

An amazing thing yesterday. We received an anonymous donation. It came with a beautiful hand written note. Someone's uncle had passed away. They decided to give us a portion of the estate he left as he'd have wanted to gift it to a couple seeking the adoption process. They commented how he may not have understood this method, but getting with the times and all... lol. It was neat to hear about his life and his quirky personality. I've saved it to put in a memory box for our little Snowflake. We've so many things to share with him or her when they are older about how wanted they are, how blessed we are to have them in our family.

It was really neat to get and my husband and myself continuously find ourselves thanking God and amazing at how blessed we've been. A month ago, I remember crying and not knowing how we would do all this. I honestly made a decision one day to lay it at God's feet and found peace. I will never stop being amazed at how God works. There is no problem to big or too small.

Well, gearing up for my next shot and keeping my feet up and warm while I finish out the work day and can go get my son.

God bless!

PUPO

Feb. 16, 2016

Well, we are officially PUPO again! Hopefully with a better outcome this time.

Last night I got my last acupuncture session and we had dinner outside on the patio. It was a wonderful evening with my guys. Last night was a bit restless. My son's sound machine is going downhill and decided to come on full volume at midnight so that was the first wake up. Second was him needing to go potty at 2. Third was when he decided 4:45 was an appropriate wake up time. Fourth was when he decided 5:45 was REALLY the best wake up time. At that point, I sent my hubby with him so I could get an extra 45 minutes of sleep.

I got him off to school and took a nice walk to clear my head. Had a shower, hubby made breakfast and paid a few bills, then off we went. I put on my nice little Snowflake leggings for luck :)

We had no traffic and had left with plenty of time so there was no stress upon arrival. We actually we directed to wait in the "special" waiting room. Apparently there is a side waiting room. It's fancy and secluded. I'm thinking that is where people go before procedures to limit stress.

When they called us in, my bladder was very full. I got undressed, shimmied up on the table and she took a peak "Whoa! Your bladder is VERY full!"

Um, yup. Let's get this pony show on the road. 

After about ten minutes, I told my husband I had to empty at least part of my bladder. The nurse said no doubt and it was full enough I could count between 10-15. Sure enough, still plenty full when I got back to the room.

The doctor walked in and pulled out the photo of our wee one. One beautiful, hatched little embryo that looked perfect. He held up the photo to my and asked my husband "Looks just like her, right?" I really like our doctor. After my firing a few questions at him we found out that it was thawed last night. At that time it was just hatching, and by this morning, it was fully hatched and thriving. Our little guy / gal is ready to snuggle in.

They called back to the lab and had them bring in our babe. He inserted the tube into the catheter and it was the coolest thing. Last time, there was a bit of a glimmer on the screen, but today, there was a big white snowball that shot out of the catheter and snuggled in. I looked at the time on the monitor and it said 11:24:44. Come to find out, the clock on that was all wrong, because when I looked at my phone well after it was done it was 11:09. So...who knows the for sure time. I do know, both my husband and myself thought it was a magical moment.

After the all clear our tube was empty, I was instructed to lay for about ten minutes and then empty my bladder. So, waddle waddle waddle I went and took care of it.

After I got dressed, we had a nurse snap a photo of us before heading out. Here is our baby's first photo :)

We headed from there to acupuncture. It was a new woman there today who was very sweet. She did a few points on my head, ear, arms and legs and put a head lamp over my feet. She asked if I was cold and I said a bit so she pulled out this lovely, warm, snuggly fleece that lo and behold was covered in snowflakes. It made me smile.

After acupuncture, home again home again jiggidy jig. My friend had dropped off soup for us last night, so we warmed that up and watched a few of our favorite comedy shows to just relax and laugh. My hubby was so sweet to hook me up with some warming pads for my feet to keep them toasty warm.

Snuggle in wee one. We love you already.

We are a Go!

Feb. 11, 2016

Well, we are a go. Full steam ahead. My last monitoring visit was today. My lining is 9.7mm. Not as thick as I anticipated it being, but the doctor seemed pleased. He said it was almost ideal and the pattern was beautiful.

Last night, my husband got home from his business trip and we had the one versus two conversation again. He was leaning more towards two now. When he left it was a one. I feel like there's never a perfect answer. We both decided after chatting way too late about it, to pray, sleep on it and make the call this morning.

We decided that if it was a perfect embryo we will do one. If it degrades, we will do two. I wanted to chat with the doctor for his advice about when we should move on to two.

Traffic was a nightmare and I was a few minutes late, but it didn't seem to matter. The place is always packed, no matter what time I go. Thankfully, I did get a parking spot today. Sometimes I have to park down the street and walk in.

The doctor came in and during my exam we had the chat. I told him ideally we want a singleton pregnancy. It's safer, less stress and better financially. However, we want to be smart and of course will be blessed and happy if we have twins. I told him if we had the perfect lining and the perfect embryo again we'd do one, but are open to two if the embryo isn't great. He said ok and I kind of pushed, "what is your definition of not great." He told me the embryologist would grade them after thawing.

He said we could actually make the call the day of if we wanted to if the embryo was on the verge of good/great. I asked him flat out, your recommendation, when do we move to two. He said if it's "good" do two. The difference between excellent and good is immense when it comes to embryos. So...there we have it.

I got dressed, we met up in the office with a coordinator who wasn't typically mine (she was on vacation) and he put in the chart if it's excellent, thaw one. If good to fair, have them check with him to look at it and he'd make the call to do a second. I'd said right to my husband this morning "I just wish someone could tell us what to do." And, he did. So, poof! Thank you, God.

I LOVED this coordinator today. She is actually in charge of all the nurses there and is fabulous. She was soooooo sweet. We went over my meds, she gave me a few hints to make it less painful and avoid knots of oil in my muscle (massage and heat!) She also asked if I was combining my delestrogen and PIO shots so I could take one instead of two. Um, what? This is a possibility?

She went and snagged a few syringes and needles and showed me. You draw the delestrogen and PIO like normal. Draw air into the PIO so there is a large bubble on top and remove the needle. Take the delestrogen, put the end of the needle into the PIO and squirt it in. Put the needle to inject into the PIO and get the air bubbles out like normal. How did I not think to do this? Genius! She said she'd been trying to train her nurses to do this, but they never want to tell patients thinking they'll screw it up. She told me she'd done IVF herself in her 30s and knows how painful it is so if she can eliminate some of the shots and pain, she was all for it.

She also showed me how to inject the Lovenox and Heparin. Because I am slender, she told me it may be better for me to inject on my thigh. I guess they have a real tendency to bruise and get painful and she said I'd run out of stomach. Fortunately, I've got a lotta thigh ;)

Next, I they drew my blood. The woman wasn't my normal lab tech and she went through both sides of my vein. She couldn't figure out why blood wasn't coming out. Um, pull the needle back a smidge. Bingo. Turns out my estradoil is in a much better range than last time. My coordinator emailed it was ideal. Yay!

This evening, I went to acupuncture. I got along much better with the woman who does it. She did my needles and there were a few sensitive areas today. It's funny how she can insert a needle and I get tinges or little pains in other areas. When she put the one in the middle of my rib cage, but further down my stomach it was like electricity shot through in a cross pattern. Very strange. I really relaxed today. I'm going back Monday night at 6 pm then after my transfer Tuesday.

I'm feeling really good about things. I know it's all in God's hands and I just have to trust. I've a lot of wonderful women praying and sending positive thoughts.

God bless!

Blessed

Feb. 10, 2016

Today I am an overemotional, sappy, crying mess. But, today, I can't blame the meds. Well, maybe I'll blame the meds for the extra snot bubbles, gasps of air and overall magnitude of how I reacted.

There is a mom group that I've been blessed to be a part of since I was pregnant with my son. There's been highs and lows, births and deaths, disagreements, excitement, laughter and tears. I've had the good fortune of meeting some of these women outside the group here local to me and on a trip to MI 12 of us strong got together with all our little ones. And everyone, everyone is as amazing as I've thought they would be through knowing them in cyberspace. Many of them, I haven't had the good fortune to meet...yet.

Today, I literally broke down in big heaping sobs. These women got together and raised $850 for me. Somehow, someway, they not only did it from within the group, but from my personal friends and family as well. As I was reading through the list, I saw my sister, best friend and friend from highschool who I know also has had her share of heartbreak with infertility. The money, don't get me wrong is awesome. And, I'm so grateful for it, and it does relieve so much stress, but the sentiment behind it...I cannot even put into words. I'm crying again. Let me get a hold of myself...

The sweet gesture of them to do this and to write such loving, supportive things. I know so many of these ladies have their own trials, tribulations, angst or hardships...for them to come together and support me, I just, I have no words.

From day one when I was diagnosed, it was this group I turned to. Every tear, they comforted me, made me laugh, gave me courage to try the next step. It's amazing to me that a group of women, the majority I've never met have become such a strong part of my life. This was the group of kick ass (pardon my language) women that I turned to. They were there before all the support groups. They were there when my husband just didn't know how to react or comfort me. They were there when my own personal friends and family didn't know about this yet or were at a loss what to say or do. These women. These women are fabulous. If I could go to every single one of them and give them a giant, snotty faced hug, I would.

Tomorrow I head in for my final appointment before transfer. I head in knowing 176 women strong are praying and hoping and wishing me the best. That's powerful. For that, I am grateful. For that, I am blessed.

God bless!

Why so sad?

Feb. 8, 2016

Can I blame the hormones? Yeesh! I have no idea what in the heck is wrong with me, but I sit here with tears literally streaming down my face. For. No. Reason. I just am sooooo sad today. I didn't sleep well and laid awake for several hours despite using all my go to oils and even after resorting to melatonin. It's like every thought it going through my head.

I know I can't say I feel isolated, because I know I've a few people who have offered to chat, but I really have nothing to say other than have a good cry. I'm just so emotional. I know it has to be the meds. My husband is supportive, but just not the type to deal with sadness or emotional outbursts well. He doesn't like chatting about the procedures or events of the cycle. He shows his support in other ways like putting music on so I could take a bath last night, but my getting emotional just stresses him out which stresses me out which makes me cry more.

I went back to acupuncture today and he put like four needles in my stomach and a few in my legs. When I asked why there were so few he said he doesn't specialize in fertility, but those are the main points. Oh really? Why yes, here is my $65 to guesstimate what I need. Again, the meds.

This time my breasts are more tender, my pelvis feels heavy which I can only attribute to a faster building lining. I don't remember feeling this emotional last time. Maybe I need to reread my blog. Maybe I just needed a good cry.

I guess there was no real point to this blog post other than me to journal and get a grip. Oddly enough, I do feel better now. Maybe I can focus on my work.