Feb. 22, 2014
Well, today was one of my worst days in regards to my
healing “process.” It was the first day that my son was officially weaned. And,
it was miserable L
For the last four days, I’d already weaned him down to this last nursing
session in the morning, and it was our special time together. He’d nurse
sometimes as long as a half hour, then we’d snuggle, sing or read stories after
before getting ready for the day. I loved it. So did he.
This morning, I went in and he began crying immediately when
I didn’t nurse him. I turned on his turtle light and distracted him with
letting him push the buttons to change the colors and singing him songs. When
he seemed fully awake, I turned on the light and we read some stories.
He seemed fine until nap time. My son hasn’t nursed BEFORE a
nap for months now, but he was intent on it. He kept crouching into me trying
to get my breast. I offered a bottle and he refused so I laid him down and he
SCREAMED!! I came out, my eyes brimming, and my wonderful husband went in to
give him the bottle.
My husband came downstairs, looked at me, held out his arms and
we both hugged and cried. I have never had such guilt as a mommy as I did
today. He kept reassuring me I was doing what is right for my healing and
for our future as a family. He was so gentle making sure I know how much he
supported me, yet reiterating he knew how difficult this was. He understood, as
much as he was able, what a sacrifice it was and how much it hurt me. We’ve
prayed so hard, and I keep asking God to bring me peace.
I watch my son playing alone sometimes as I make dinner or do
chores and it breaks my heart to think he won’t ever have a sibling to play
with, and I know our decision is right. Mentally, I know he is 15 months old,
that we have months of frozen milk, that he is healthy and strong and has
benefited from nursing to long, but emotionally, it crushes me. I had wanted to
nurse him until he was ready to wean, and I feel selfish for making this
decision.
When my son work from his nap, when he would typically nurse,
I went in, picked him up and we danced. I hummed him a song and just danced
with him laying his head on my shoulder for 15 minutes. He pulled his head up,
kissed me square on the lips, and laid it back down and we danced some more.
The rest of the evening he just wanted to be held and cuddled. My usually
active little boy, just laid down on my lap and played in place.
I love my little boy so incredibly much. I know in a few
days he will move past this, and I know my heart will hurt much longer than
his. I just want him to know I can’t even fathom loving a little person more. I
want to be healthy so I can be the best mommy for him long term. I want to give
him a little sister or brother so when his dad and I pass on, he has family,
someone to love and depend on like my husband and I do.
I know God has given me this burden for a greater purpose. I
pray I can be strong, be faithful, be optimistic and be an example to others.
And…my goodness, those herbs are HORRIBLE! It’s like
drinking sludge.
On a happy note, I decided to try an OPK. Since my LH was
insanely high before, they just always appeared positive. And it was
NEGATIVE!!! I suppose it could have been diluted urine, but I hadn’t used the
bathroom in three hours and we’d taken a walk and I forgot my water bottle, so
I really, really don’t think it was. If my OPK was negative, that means my
hormone levels are dropping into a normal range. OPK’s don’t show positive until
your LH is 25. My last blood draw, my LH was 98 (yikes!!!)
I also did a castor oil pack tonight. It was actually pretty
relaxing. Normally, after Reed goes to bed, I clean, shower and work. Tonight,
I put the pack on, put a heating pad over it and surfed the web on my phone and
began reading a play. The thought of having 30-45 minutes three days a week to
just read a book or magazine seems indulgent and divine. I haven’t done that in
almost a year and a half.
I cringe going into any forums or “support groups” for POF
because the only “support” I see is that people have completely accepted what
the doctors have told them and are supporting each other through that horrible
journey. Whenever anyone seems to mention trying to get pregnant, they give
each other the same horrid adoption / egg donor speech they received. There is
MORE to health than an ovary not working. I’m really starting to embrace
Eastern medicine. The body as a WHOLE must be healthy for reproductive health.
Western medicine has done amazing things, but I think this is one area they
really need to explore. Western medicine treats POF symptoms, but not the
underlying cause.
I’m feeling pretty optimistic in spite of the rough day. I
just trust I will have restored health and that we will be blessed with another
baby. This journey is for a purpose. I will shed light on this disease. I will
let others be at peace this is not the end. There is a light at the end of the
tunnel.
God Bless.
