We are a Go!

Feb. 11, 2016

Well, we are a go. Full steam ahead. My last monitoring visit was today. My lining is 9.7mm. Not as thick as I anticipated it being, but the doctor seemed pleased. He said it was almost ideal and the pattern was beautiful.

Last night, my husband got home from his business trip and we had the one versus two conversation again. He was leaning more towards two now. When he left it was a one. I feel like there's never a perfect answer. We both decided after chatting way too late about it, to pray, sleep on it and make the call this morning.

We decided that if it was a perfect embryo we will do one. If it degrades, we will do two. I wanted to chat with the doctor for his advice about when we should move on to two.

Traffic was a nightmare and I was a few minutes late, but it didn't seem to matter. The place is always packed, no matter what time I go. Thankfully, I did get a parking spot today. Sometimes I have to park down the street and walk in.

The doctor came in and during my exam we had the chat. I told him ideally we want a singleton pregnancy. It's safer, less stress and better financially. However, we want to be smart and of course will be blessed and happy if we have twins. I told him if we had the perfect lining and the perfect embryo again we'd do one, but are open to two if the embryo isn't great. He said ok and I kind of pushed, "what is your definition of not great." He told me the embryologist would grade them after thawing.

He said we could actually make the call the day of if we wanted to if the embryo was on the verge of good/great. I asked him flat out, your recommendation, when do we move to two. He said if it's "good" do two. The difference between excellent and good is immense when it comes to embryos. So...there we have it.

I got dressed, we met up in the office with a coordinator who wasn't typically mine (she was on vacation) and he put in the chart if it's excellent, thaw one. If good to fair, have them check with him to look at it and he'd make the call to do a second. I'd said right to my husband this morning "I just wish someone could tell us what to do." And, he did. So, poof! Thank you, God.

I LOVED this coordinator today. She is actually in charge of all the nurses there and is fabulous. She was soooooo sweet. We went over my meds, she gave me a few hints to make it less painful and avoid knots of oil in my muscle (massage and heat!) She also asked if I was combining my delestrogen and PIO shots so I could take one instead of two. Um, what? This is a possibility?

She went and snagged a few syringes and needles and showed me. You draw the delestrogen and PIO like normal. Draw air into the PIO so there is a large bubble on top and remove the needle. Take the delestrogen, put the end of the needle into the PIO and squirt it in. Put the needle to inject into the PIO and get the air bubbles out like normal. How did I not think to do this? Genius! She said she'd been trying to train her nurses to do this, but they never want to tell patients thinking they'll screw it up. She told me she'd done IVF herself in her 30s and knows how painful it is so if she can eliminate some of the shots and pain, she was all for it.

She also showed me how to inject the Lovenox and Heparin. Because I am slender, she told me it may be better for me to inject on my thigh. I guess they have a real tendency to bruise and get painful and she said I'd run out of stomach. Fortunately, I've got a lotta thigh ;)

Next, I they drew my blood. The woman wasn't my normal lab tech and she went through both sides of my vein. She couldn't figure out why blood wasn't coming out. Um, pull the needle back a smidge. Bingo. Turns out my estradoil is in a much better range than last time. My coordinator emailed it was ideal. Yay!

This evening, I went to acupuncture. I got along much better with the woman who does it. She did my needles and there were a few sensitive areas today. It's funny how she can insert a needle and I get tinges or little pains in other areas. When she put the one in the middle of my rib cage, but further down my stomach it was like electricity shot through in a cross pattern. Very strange. I really relaxed today. I'm going back Monday night at 6 pm then after my transfer Tuesday.

I'm feeling really good about things. I know it's all in God's hands and I just have to trust. I've a lot of wonderful women praying and sending positive thoughts.

God bless!

My New TCM

Feb. 5, 2016

My new TCM and I didn't gel very well. She's very competent and friendly, just has some strong opinions about my treatment. I get it. She wanted me here six months ago and she wants me coming every other day. Well, I wasn't there and not gonna happen. When I tried to tell her that she just flat out said "Why?"

"Um, well, I work, and have a child to care for and no insurance coverage."

"Well, you need to."

"Um, again, I work, and have a child so I don't have childcare that often, and once again, no insurance coverage. This is expensive."

"Well, you need to."

You get the idea. We could have gone around in circles all day.

When I walked in, it was a nice clean office and had about six or so acupuncture rooms. Much nicer than my old place. She walked in and was very fluent in English. I can also tell she does indeed specializes in fertility because she read my chart and knew and understood exactly what I was doing as opposed to my other TCM's (who I adore.)

She wanted me coming every other day to stimulate my blood flow and build my uterine lining. I get it. But, I also know these visits are $65 a pop. I tried explaining to her that I'd been going to acupuncture for 2 1/2 yrs so I wasn't starting at ground zero. I made the decision to do what I can and trust it will help. Her response?

"One visit will do nothing for you."

Well, ok then. She pretty much informed me I'd be coming three times next week, the day before transfer (since they aren't open early enough for me to come that day) and then directly after transfer. I'd go home and lay flat for three days without moving and then come back in ten days in a row. Um, not gonna happen.

So, she put the needles in, pretty much all the same main points as my other TCM so it was nice to verify they both knew what they were doing. She didn't do any of the hands or head points though. What really bothered me is she never checked my pulse. Not before or after which seemed bizarre to me. After she put my needles in and put the heat lamp on, she left. No nice music like my other place. I just lay there in the dark trying to relax but becoming increasingly stressed out and upset about all the money these stupid sessions were going to take. By the time she came back in, I was over it.

I went to pay and she pushed for me to come back Saturday, Monday, Thursday, Saturday and then Monday / Tuesday. I flat out told her I can't and again she pushed me. BECAUSE! I HAVE A CHILD AND NO CHILDCARE. I WORK. AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO COME THAT MUCH! Seriously lady! I agreed to TWO visits next week and the day before and day of. All the studies I read stress the before and after transfer so I'm focusing on that.

I also told her I would not be lying flat for three days and that I'd discussed it with my doctor. She told me "That's opposite of what other doctors say." "Well, studies show lying completely still restricts blood flow and lessons implantation" To which she responded "That makes sense I agree with your doctor." I figure I'll fight the ten visits in a row battle with her later. I didn't have the energy.

I really just wanted to go back to my old TCM and have her do the after transfer visit. I'm tempted. The problem is it's an hour drive both ways there (more with traffic) and an hour visit. It's so much quicker here since she's right in town. If my husband is in town next week maybe I'll have them do my acupuncture for my Thursday visit when I have my last ultrasound.

I also had to drive back to the clinic today. The coordinator called and someone had brought in 11 Lovenox. so yay! 11 less to buy. Interesting fact, you actually insert a giant air bubble into yourself with this shot. I'm so use to making sure all the air gets out that it surprised me. I'm glad she explained it because I would have instinctually removed it. She also stocked me on syringes and needles since I was about out. I chatted with the financial folks there because I'd remembered seeing a sign that prices increase March 1. Given my beta is Feb 29...that'd suck if this was an unsuccessful transfer. Here's to hoping this little babe or babes snuggle in.

I just have to share...my shot last night, it was like a geyser. I was so relieved my son wasn't there when I did it. I must have hit a vein because when I removed the needle, the blood absolutely shot across the room. After I grabbed my alcohol swab to stop the bleeding and mop up the floor I started laughing. It was like a cheesy horror film.

I did my castor oil pack while I sat here and worked today. My abdomen feels heavy. I think it's the meds and how the lining is building so quickly, but I don't remember that feeling last time so early in the cycle.

Anyway, I'm using a gift certificate to a massage tomorrow. Now that I fought off the aggressive TCM I'm going to relax and de-stress. When I meet her head on next week I'll flat out say, this is what I can do. I think some is better than none, so let's work with it.

God bless!

2dp5dt

Nov. 18, 2015

Well, two days in. Yesterday and today have been very, very crampy. I'm optomistic it's the wee one settling in for the long haul.

Monday, I did pretty good with the whole bed rest thing. I wasn't overly strict, but was a good couch potato. My friend got home around 8:30 that night and cooked dinner. I sat on a chair with my feet up on another chair in the kitchen and chatted with her. She was also a good sport and did my shots since it was in the left cheek. She was AWESOME! Very gentle. Barely left a mark.

I will say, bed rest and PIO shots are a pretty awful combo. What I've found makes the shots tolerable is moving around. So lying all day or lounging just makes the muscles hurt more. It's like when you work out and don't stretch. Whenever I did get up, I felt like an 80 year old woman waddling around. So, so tender.

Last night, I ended up getting an audition. I should have figured I would. Whenever I leave town or have a conflict, the calls come in. Since it wasn't until 6:15 in the evening I decided to go. The doctor had told me I could actually return to work that day since I sit behind a computer (little did he know I work from home so I'd be there anyway) so I figured going to an audition and walking that little bit wouldn't be bad. I can't help but think a little blood flow to the uterus helps anyways.

It was on the back lot at Universal and I was able to park super close to the trailer. I will say however it was not my finest moment as an actor. Super easy role. HOWEVER, I was so paranoid about my husband getting me from my friends, getting home to change, drive there, etc I gave the sides a once over and totally ignored the breakdown (a description of the character.) I've lived here 15 years and NEVER done that! Ever! I'm the epitome of professional and prepared. So, I drive all the way to town in rush hour on my day of bed rest (I was being a couch potato in my car...right?? Made sense to me) and pull into the studio, find a parking spot and turn on my phone to review the sides one last time and notice the breakdown. OOPS! I was wearing a completely inappropriate outfit.

Sh*t! I about had a panic attack in the car. I basically summoned all my "get your sh*t together" attitude, walked into the trailer restroom, tried to make things work with my hair and basically had the "just do what you came here to do pep talk." Long story short. I did the role well. This is the fourth time I've been in for this show. Casting knows me well and the whole way home I just had to keep repeating to myself she obviously likes my work. If I lose this role because I wore my damn sneakers instead of heels (which I had on and CHANGED by the way because I remembered my TCM told me to keep my feet warm and it was cold out) then I'd hope she'll continue calling me in until the role is right. I'm still irritated with myself over it. I'm always on my game when it comes to that. I totally dropped the ball.

I was able to get home in time for my son's bedtime. My husband was very sweet and carried me up the stairs so I could read him some stories before bed. My son, thought it was hilarious!

Today, my 48 hr bed rest was up, but my husband still insisted on carrying me down the stairs this morning. Once we surpassed the true 48 hrs since procedure I did climb them myself. This evening I took a super short walk to the store and it felt glorious. Tomorrow I will resume my daily walks. It really helps my tush feel better like I said before. Sitting around just makes me hurt.

I'm feeling really good about things. The cramps I feel are a good sign. I am incredibly tired. I know it's too early to be a pregnancy sign, but I think all the progesterone I'm taking is making me drag. Well, that and I'm sure the sitting around is just making me feel lazy and tired too.

My husband was saying I should test already and I had to explain it was WAY too early. I think he's just excited. Me too. Praying praying praying....

God Bless

Less Than a Week Away

Nov. 10, 2015

Well, it's really sneaking up on me! Last Weds I went in for my first ultrasound. I was a bit apprehensive about my lining. Since I'd had my period Thursday - Sunday, I was fearful there wouldn't be anything there. Surprisingly, not only did I have a lining, but it was already to 6.3mm and had a triple stripe. My doctor had told me the ideal for transfer was a bare minimum of 8mm and ideally around 12mm. We shall see tomorrow where I'm at.

My mom actually came with me to my appointment last week. She likes to "put eyes" on what is happening so she has a better idea. I think she enjoyed going with me. She was able to ask questions, see where our transfer would be done... She was also able to give me my shot. She asked the nurse to draw my circles on my butt again so she'd have something to aim for.

My meds were doubled and I was on my way. On my way home I'd scheduled my TCM appointment and I went over my dates with them. They got me into acupuncture and adjusted my herbs from the "bring back menstruation" concoction to the "hold pregnancy" concoction. I have one more appointment scheduled before the big day. They were very firm I should not do an appointment after like many women do as they felt the needles are too powerful disrupting energy channels once an embryo is placed.

That night she was rather horrified at the size of the needle and I'm not quite sure who it was more painful for...her or me to get / receive it. She poked me and asked again, "how far does this go in?" All. The. Way. *gulp* She was very gentle.

I'd done a Yoni steam and castor oil pack last Monday and I can't help but wonder if that is what helped build my lining. Unfortunately, since we've had company non stop I've been unable to repeat it. I have been guzzling my POM juice like a good little girl (POM juice helps build endometrial lining.)

Tomorrow morning I'm back to my fertility doctor to get the final go ahead. I'm praying my lining is nice and fluffy and is a perfect triple stripe. I want to talk to the doctor as well about embryos downgrading in the thaw and at one point we will move from our "transfer one" to "transfer two" stance if that happens.

So much going on!

Well, my company will be gone tonight and my hubby is out of town so I'm on my own for shots. Tonight is just the one, but tomorrow (if all goes according to plan) I'll be starting the progesterone which is the more painful of the two. Fingers and toes crossed I'm as gentle as my husband and mom were.

I'll keep you posted.

God Bless!

FET update

Nov. 1, 2015

I realize my updates are slow going. I feel like this whole process is a whole bunch of hurry up and wait and then a mad dash to get everything situated. The weeks leading up to this were a whole lot of pricing meds and waiting. At the last minute, my coordinator finally put my orders in and my meds arrived THE DAY I started taking them. Way way way too close for my Type A comfort.

Last Thursday was my baseline ultrasound. My friend thankfully agreed to watch our son so we could pay attention at the appointment and not be trying to keep him entertained the entire time. To catch you up to speed, I'd been put on birth control pills with the hopes it'd jump start a period. I was starting to panic when Thrusday arrived (my last pill was Sunday morning) and I hadn't started my period yet. When I arrived I had the tiniest bit of spotting.

The nurse practitioner that did my ultrasound explained how I only had a 1.9mm thickness so perfectly within limits for a baseline measurement. I talked to her about my fear of not having shed lining since last March and would that be bad to start a pregnancy with that old blood hanging around in there. She assured me no. I will say, however, that I was thrilled to start my period hours after I left my appointment.

While she was doing the ultra sound, I got to see my ovaries again. My one, although good size was pretty quiet, no follicles. The other actually had something going on. She didn't know if it was a cyst of follicle but they marked it to monitor. We'll see if it changes by next Weds when I go in again.

After my ultrasound I met with the coordinator. I'll keep things very PC here, but I will admit her and I clash. I'm a pretty easy going person, but she can just be rude and condescending. I finally asked her to please be patient with me. Every question I asked she was annoyed and dismissive. I said we'd never done this before so my questions were new to us.

I wanted to clarify a few things in the contracts. One, our only two options when we were done building our family (all three remain ours until we are done) were to donate them back to the clinic for either destruction or scientific study. I was unsettled with that, but she assured me since they were such great quality, they'd be donated to another couple.

My other issue was they wanted to know now how many we were transferring. I told her I'd like to discuss further with the doctor. We feel like if the embryo thaws great, we will only transfer one. If the embryo thaws and downgrades, we may consider two. We just want to be on the same page as the doctor so he and the embryologist can decide at what point we'd like another embryo thawed.

After all our contracts and releases were signed, she showed us a quick video on how to administer the shots. The needle looked ginormous. I won't lie. She had me drop my pants and put two huge circles on my butt where I should be given the shot.

I also had to sign a release. Apparently, my varicella test showed my immunity was gone. I was a bit surprised because not only did I have chicken pox when I was little, but I showed full immunity when I was pregnant with my son. It was barely under so we decided to sign a release and proceed. To get the vaccination would push our transfer three months because it is a live virus. My feeling is it's a required vax so it isn't as common as it use to be and after researching it, IF I got it, there is only a 2% chance it would affect the baby in anyway. Now, if it was rubella or something, I'd have gotten the booster.

When I got home, we heard back from my blood test. My estrogen was a bit high at 121. They doctor likes to see it under 100, but since I'd just stopped birth control they allowed me to proceed thinking it may be residual estrogen in my system. I was given the go ahead to start my meds.

We struggled a bit with the shot starting out. First, my husband didn't get anything in the needle. Thank GOD we noticed it. The second time he kept pulling bubbles. I tried and did the same. Thankfully our friends who are now pregnant with EA were still up at 10 at night and talked us through it. They told my husband to put three times the meds in the syringe then shoot the excess back into the bottle. That took care of the huge bubbles. For the remaining, we just tapped the needle like suggested. The meds aren't like normal liquids you pull into a syringe. It's in castor oil (later the progesterone is in sesame oil) so it's very thick.

I bent over and my husband geared up to play darts where the nurse had drawn the circle. The initial poke wasn't too bad, but it was a strange sensation feeling him push the needle all the way in. It's 2" long. Not a tiny poke. He slowly injected it like instructed. It wasn't too bad. Very tolerable. I will say however this was only .1 cc. When I start progesterone that is 1 cc so ten times as much. That is the one I hear is very tender, especially doing it nightly.

Well, I am actually gearing up now for a shot. Right now, I'm just on pills, shots and baby aspirin. My meds should double this coming Weds if all is progressing well and then the following week and the progesterone will be added in (shots and vaginal suppositories.)

All in all, I'm feeling very positive and excited. Everything is paid for (well, on my credit card) at this point, so it's nice to have that bit of pressure off us. For now...

My TCM got back from China today. I plan to see if I can stop in for an acupuncture session on Weds after my fertility appointment since they are in a similar area. My mom will also be in town, so I know she'll be coming with me to my appointment. She'll (I'm sure) ask every question I've never even thought of. Ha! I can just imagine my coordinator's frustration now. Makes me giggle.

God bless!

TCM, Moxa, and Embryos Oh My!

Sept. 28, 2015

I feel like my updates are lagging. I intended to post after my last TCM appointment, but it's been nearly two weeks since I went, so, here goes.

My appointment once again began with a flurry of back and forth between my doctors with me trying to catch random words I've picked up over the last year and a half. I had two sets of hands checking my pulses and the general consensus was it was better than the previous week. My kidney channel was still weaker than they liked. So, off to the acupuncture table.

This time, they decided to really pull out all the stops and do Moxa. Now, they told me it was sage, but as I read up on it when I got home, traditionally Moxa is done with mugwort. I'll clarify next time. Sometimes the language barrier loses a bit in translation. You can learn more about Moxa here. The basic 411 is it brings warmth to my lady bits and mugwort (if that is what they used) is great for the uterus. A lot of TCM's use it for a stagnant or "cold" uterus and considering it's been almost seven months since my last period...it's rather stagnant.

There are different ways of doing it apparently, but they had a little contraption that looked like a little house with a chimney. The moxa stick went through the chimney, and it had elastic around it to tighten it to my body. There was a little screen on the bottom, lying on my stomach to catch any ash that fell. She still put needles in all the other spots that she traditionally did it in.

After about a half hour she came in and removed the moxa and applied needles where it was and turned on the heat lamp to ensure my abdomen was still being warmed. Afterwards, she told me to drink a lot of water as it had a detoxifying effect.

Since then, I've been strict with my supplements, my essential oils and castor oil packs. I did get my second batch of Yoni Steam in the mail so I've been using that as well.

I did get an update from my clinic with the embryo adoption. I'd contacted a few attorneys that agreed a contract was out of the question without a second party and that I would need a letter of release. If the clinic did not have one or would not draft one, I could hire them to do so. I sent all that info to my coordinator who then asked for examples. I found four clinics online that posted their contracts and sent it.

A lot of the verbiage had to do with FET or IVF in general so I said I thought most would be covered in their contracts, and suggested they use a similar letter of remittance the donors use and change the language for a recipient. They contacted their legal team and all of this was approved. So, thankfully, we don't need an attorney.

I spoke with my coordinator today who said the clinic is transferring ownership to us and as soon as that is updated in their computer, we can proceed. I'm waiting on her to order medical testing so I can contact my doctor to put in the order. After that, we need to establish our timeline with the doctor for transfer. Her estimate is November transfer and we should know if we are pregnant by or during December.

I'm hoping some of my meds are covered by my insurance. There appear to be nine medications that are traditionally used for FET. Doctors usually choose a few that they are most comfortable with. All, seem to be used for HRT for POF, so I'm hoping with my pre-existing condition that some are covered. If not, I applied for a discount pharmacy card at this site http://www.npsncard.com/

You know I'll be calling every pharmacy in town and checking every price online for the best deal ;)

I've been a bit overly emotional the last few days. I think everything has kind of hit me. I know November isn't far off, but I just want to move on with our lives. I feel like we've been suspended for over two years now and I keep catching myself in "woe is me moments" and shaking them off.

We are SO blessed. This has really taught me to slow down and treasure every second with my son, my husband, family, friends... And, to not take a second of my health for granted. I know a year from now I'll be reading back over this with a baby in my arms and all these moments of doubt and grief will seem insignificant.

My in-laws are coming to town this week so my husband and myself can sneak away for two nights together. It'll be really nice to reconnect and have adult conversation away from work, stress and "infertility" junk. I don't think people outside our "community" quite grasp how draining that is. For the most part, we are really balanced and I think handling it really well, but it does take a toll.

Before we head out I'll head to acupuncture on Saturday. Once we have a for sure transfer date, I'll begin weekly sessions with them to prime the pump so to speak.

God Bless.

EA Progress

Sept 8, 2015

Well, progress on the EA front! Our coordinator emailed Friday afternoon and said we are a go and she'd be contacting me this week. It's only Tuesday night and I'm trying very hard not to be too antsy and stalk her. I think out of self respect I'll wait...until at least tomorrow ;)

I did start getting a few quotes from different attorneys to draw up contracts for us. It ranges. Not a cheap process for sure. Someone did give me info for theirs which charges $500 to draw it up, but we'd have to cover the donor's as well. Most of them are in the $1000 range, although I got a quote from one attorney for $1000 flat covering ours and the donors attorney fees as well. I got a good feel from her. Maybe she's playing into my sentimentality but her closing words were "That's really exciting that you have the opportunity to adopt embryos. I think they are such special little babies waiting to get adopted." Sniff. She may be the winner for us.

I did head back to TCM on Saturday. More of the same. A lot of conversing in Chinese and furrowing of their brows that left me looking like I was watching a ping pong match, back and forth, back and forth trying to keep up with them. The consensus, no surprise, was I was still weak and need to continue daily herbs. However, the good news was I was doing better than last time. My pulses weren't horrendous, but my kidney channel (reproduction lies there) needs to be stronger.

I mosied into the acupuncture room and climbed up. Again, we started with the back. Face down I went and she poked me all around the lower back trying to get my organs working. About 35 minutes later, flip!

She did the usual spots, but did a few more on the top of my head, one on my chin (a new one!) and a few more on the leg and abdomen. About a half hour into it she came in and removed almost all of them except the abdomen and finger ones trying to center all my energy on my lady bits.

After my session, I was nice a strong. My kidney channel weaker than the others, but overall, they were happy. If only I could do it daily, maybe I'd always be strong. We went over the dates they'll be in China. She will be gone starting in two weeks, but he won't leave until Oct. 15- Nov. 1. Leading up to transfer they want me in weekly sessions to prepare my body. I was feeling a bit anxious if transfer will be after their gone, but worrying is useless. Nothing I can do to change it. Just have to trust HIS plan (big guy upstairs.)

I've run out of my Yoni steam so I'll be ordering another batch. I feel like the steam and following it with the castor oil packs has been good for me. I'll continue to do that up to transfer. In the mean time, we're still trying au natural.

Well, I should get some sleep. I just wanted to update you all on the good news with the EA moving forward. I'll let you know more details as I get them.

God Bless!

TCM, Acupuncture and EA

Aug. 22, 2015

I had an update from my coordinator the other day for EA. Not a huge update, but she reiterated the embryos were still ours and she was just waiting on the donors to say how anonymous they wanted to be. At my prodding she said we could be cycling in October. I'm not sure how accurate that is because we have a lot of steps in the mean time, but at least I'm on her radar.

I did have my TCM appointment. My pulses weren't quite as bad as I expected them to be, especially having been sick the week prior. They said they were a little hard to find, but once they found them, not awful. They were of course WAY better AFTER my acupuncture session.

She did the double whammy on me again this time. The back and the front. I have a feeling they really, really want to see some progress with me. They also told me I need to make sure to do my herbs twice a day, I need to gain a bit of weight and increase my activity. That makes sense. I know on my "work" days I sit behind a computer for ten hours basically, so I need to take a few breaks. Even if that means sprinting up and down the stairs a few times. I need to increase circulation. Blood pumping does a body, and a reproductive system good.

I took another test and of course that same faint line was there. Drat you line! I always wanted to see a line when I was TTC before, but now I want none or a big fat bold dark pink line! Since I felt like I was in the all clear I took my laptop into the bathroom for another V-steam while my son was at school. This time was a bit more relaxing, even with my work deadlines.

After my steam, I did my castor oil pack for an hour. I plan to do this little combo weekly until a positive or a transfer is lined up. Other than that, I'm feeling ok. I had started getting horrid night sweats when I was sick, but I'm happy to report they are gone since I've gotten better :) Whew! I'll keep slathering up in my oils and taking my supplements.

Life is good though otherwise. We had a wonderful family day at a local family sports and health event. We plant to grill out, have a drink (hey, one good thing about not being preggo, right??) and enjoy the evening.

Keep the faith and God bless!

Update WAY overdue

Aug. 17, 2015

Wow!

I feel like my blog is way, way overdue. I was out of town for a month and after returning swamped catching  up with everything. Where to start...?

Well, I guess the first place to start is to tell you that no, no, I have not had a period yet. I'm on CD 148 and still, apparently going strong. I was really sick last week with the fever, aches, headache, soar throat, the whole nine yards. Part of me thinks I got hand foot and mouth because I had about a dozen canker sores in my mouth. They cleared up fast, so maybe it was just part of whatever little bug I got.

I also did the V-Steam a few weeks ago. My review is here. I didn't go into great depth my experience as a whole while I was doing it because I was trying to keep it somewhat professional since I was reviewing a product, but here goes. I had the brilliant (note sarcasm here) idea to do the steam on a Sunday evening while my son was still awake. I thought I could quietly slip into the restroom with a *gasp* magazine. It sounded blissful.

So, I got my herbs a steamin', prepared the throne and got out some magazines to sit back and relax for an hour. About five minutes into it, my son starts pounding on the door, screaming bloody murder. No fear, his dad was here. I just heard him yelling "In here buddy. Leave mom alone." Um, come get him please. So the pounding continues and the crying gets louder. I'm a bit indisposed so I'm hollering to go play with his trash trucks and singing songs with him through the door.

My husband was able to wrangle him so I delve back into my magazine for about five more minutes. And, he returns. This time with a vengeance. I'd locked the door and he was trying desperately to get in. Trying to talk him down, I tried to open the door on my end thinking, "whatever, he can just come in." I just wanted to reach at least 35 minutes doing the steam. Problem is, the door is locked. Like, from the inside too. Um....

"Babe!!!" "Babe!!!" I keep yelling and nothing. Apparently, my husband has gone out to the garage. By this point my son is full throttle. And, I'm starting to panic. I'm stripped naked from the bottom down dripping from the steam, and we're both grasping at the door. Finally my husband comes in and thinks I'm joking. Um, no. So, he got the screwdriver and can't figure how to get it off. I'm trying to talk my son off the ledge through the door and trying desperately to realign the handle on my end so I can get out. Finally...success. He'd loosened the screws so loose, the handle misaligned and locked me in. We tightened that bad boy up.

You can read about all the awesome things it did in my review...I just had to share how unglamourous those final moments were. I'm thinking the next one will be when he's sound asleep or at daycare while I work. Not exactly releasing the inner goddess in me with a laptop working while I do it, but this goddess has to take it where she can get it.

I did go to a baby expo the other day. I was working at a booth, but I was baby crazy being there to say the least. All these brand new babies and pregnant mommas. These teensy tiny little clothes. Sooooo cute. While I was there, I did a Zyto scan at our booth wondering what it'd tell me this time. Third time, and again totally accurate.

Basically the only things out of whack for me was an oil recommended for estrogen imbalance and several for releasing negative emotions and people and a few for pursuing a dream. Estrogen out of whack? Clearly yes. Me hung up on negative relationships. Check. Me striving toward a dream. Check.

Not to get into too much detail, but I put forth too much effort in some relationships. I think we all do. I'm trying really hard to put my focus on people and positivity and just release all the negative crap. I was surprised the Zyto picked that up. It's something this past week I've really been struggling with and came to terms with. In the past, I've always told my husband "I won't sink to their level or change who I am." The reality is, I don't have to change the core of my being, I just don't have to put my focus there. Allowing myself to be negatively effected by people and things is what got me to this health crisis to start with, so *breathe in* *breathe out* I've released it.

The greater purpose? Again, long story short, my parents were kind enough to allow my husband and myself an overnight trip. Our conversation initiated as a fight because he was saying he wanted to move, that my acting career had been moving slow and he was sick of living paycheck to paycheck in the most expensive city it seemed on earth. Ok, lot of valid points there, but ouch! Instant tears and instant seething anger. It evolved into a very positive conversation though.

Once I explained his job takes him out of town five days a week leaving me absolutely no time to write my projects, run the workshops I use to do where I fostered all of my casting relationships, very little time to focus on any submissions or take meetings and left me scrambling to get my hours in for my "day job" after our son went to bed. It was really eye opening to me how frustrated I'd allowed myself to get and how stagnant I felt. Instead of celebrating my auditions, I was spending my energy panicked finding a sitter rather than focusing on the role.

We decided his looking for an in town job that will allow me to meet up with some writing partners to finally get the two ideas I have rolling. We also spit balled a few things off each other. I'm not sure I've mentioned it in here, but he's a Second City grad and very funny. We spent a few hours on the beach and went for a super long walk through the cemetery game planning and dreaming again. We used to spend hours every night walking and planning and talking.

Obviously, we haven't done that since our son was born, but it really reconnected the two of us. I felt like we were a couple again and had the same focus. He also got some clarity and is refocusing on commercial acting again once he can get in town employment. That was where he was successful before and I know he will be again. I think him being in town more will relieve some strain on our relationship and allow us to reconnect more.

It also really gave us some focus on all the fertility woes and the toll they've taken. We just feel so strongly things are going to work out. In my heart of hearts it just feels like things will work out with all the fertility treatments and transfers, but if that is our reality, that is God's plan and I know we'll be doubly blessed by it.

So, all in all, an extremely accurate Zyto. I'm always amazed at how those things work. Our bodies really are miraculous and intricate things, aren't they? It's amazing how negative thoughts or needing the extra confidence to lunge ahead...your body just knows what it needs.

Tomorrow is back to my TCM for herbs and acupuncture. I've been without herbs about a week and a half now. I stuck to my two a day the whole time I was back home with family. I had very few fertile signs there if any. I DID however get rather "fertile" after doing that V-steam. I've had on and off cramping and much more cervical mucus.

On a whim I took an OPK and it was extremely positive so I took a pregnancy test since I hadn't in about a month. It came back light positive. It didn't really excite me because, let's face it, light positives and I don't have a good history. I retook it four days later. Still light positive. So, my hormones were a bit whacky, but I was also sick, and I know my body goes haywire hormonally when I get sick. I'm hoping now that I'm better it will improve.

The thing that upset me about the fake positive was, it was pretty dark for a fake out. I feel stupid because I always let that "could it be" thought flash through my mind and then instantly chastise myself. Check it out. Top was last Monday, bottom was last Friday. I haven't checked since although I'm sure I will tomorrow before heading into acupuncture as a "just in case."

On the EA front, I'm getting a wee bit agitated. After three emails, our coordinator sent me a brief email saying the embryos were still ours, but she was out of the office and would check in tomorrow on how things were progressing. That was a week ago. I tried contacting her twice to see what she learned and try to request a rough time line of things.

Once we get the final green light, I still need to get medical tests done, we need to draw up a contract and figure out our course of action since I don't cycle. I know my TCM wants to do acupuncture weekly leading up for a few months as well.

So much to think about. Well, apparently since I haven't written in six weeks I just spewed it all at you in one looooooong blog entry. I'll try to write more often. If I have a few moments to do a TCM update I will later this week.

As always, God Bless.

Happy 4th of July, TCM update

July 4, 2015,

Happy Fourth of July!!!

Well, feverishly packing to get ready for our lengthy trip to visit my family. My son has been counting down the days to visit and I'm excited too. I had a last TCM appointment yesterday and left a bit deflated. My pulses were bad which I anticipated from lack of sleep.

They kind of sat me down for a heart to heart and said I absolutely must go back to daily herbs. I'd switched to every other day to save money and they weren't cutting it. They know my financial concerns and suggested I stop the acupuncture. When I reminded them I could be doing a FET in a few months there was a lot of back and forth quick talking in Chinese that I struggled to make out by facial expression.

Basically, they wanted me to start coming every week for new herbs and acupuncture. I'm leaving for MI though, so it was decided they'd do a super charged acupuncture session yesterday and give me a month of herbs. When I get back, they'd do weekly acupuncture to get my womb ready for transfer. They cut me a break too...half price acupuncture sessions. Thank you, God! I swear if I could get on an insurance plan that accepts acupuncture and chiropractic care, Heaven would really be smiling down on me.

For acupuncture, they did a two fold session. Normally, I just lie on my back and get the fertility acupuncture going, but yesterday, they had me start on my stomach. She put the needles on my back to really get my kidneys and kidney channel working. After a half hour she had me flip. The needles were a slightly different configuration and concentrated on pulling the menstruation energies down. She also did them straight up my scalp to the top of my head to increase Qi.

Afterwards I chatted with them a bit about my situation. Basically they said Qi is like a river behind a damn. When it breaks, it should flow quickly, freely and strongly downstream. Mine was trickling. "Soooo...basically, I'm so intuitive I'm like my environment, right?" He looked at my quizzically. "I'm in a drought. I need rainfall." For some reason, he thought that was hysterical. "Yes yes yes. Drought. You're in a drought."

Well, I was sent away and instructed to relax relax relax which is kind of MY mantra they've prescribed me. I also have a boat load of herbs to drink up. It's sad, but they don't even taste bad to me anymore. Never in a million years would I have believed them it was an acquired taste, but I drink it the same as someone would drink coffee in the morning.

I halfheartedly said maybe my body will cooperated and fall into line before our transfer and he said "I wish." Sometimes sensitivity is lost in translation, so I will interpret that as "That is my wish as well" and remove all the negative connotation I placed on it.

They insisted I give my mom a hug and discussed some health issues she was having. I had to chuckle. He said she should avoid surgery and get acupuncture, that they might help, but not as well as he would, "of course." I appreciate his confidence in himself ;)

Well, off to pack my bags. I'm really looking forward to our trip. It's the longest we've gone back, ever. Three and a half weeks. I'm not sure what will happen with our embryo adoption journey and when we'll be able to head back again, so I want Reed to get a good healthy dose of family. TV filming should be picking up right as we get back, so I won't miss but a week or two of auditions, and fortunately I can carry my "day job" with me anyway. With my husband traveling five days a week, some good family time is just what the doctor has ordered.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July! Much love.

God Bless.

Yoni Steam or "V Steam"

July 1, 2015

Well, it's been a while since I posted because I really had no new info. I spotted for a good 11 days which I'm starting to think is my "period." I spotted 10 days last time and both occurred at 45 day intervals. My gut tells me I'm just not building up enough endometrial lining to have a proper "bleed."

I know many of you will think I'm just plain batty, but hear me out. A while back in a mommy group someone posted a link of Gwyneth Paltrow and how they thought she was off her rocker for getting a V-steam. (Exactly what it sounds like folks, a vagina steam.) There was one girl who'd tried it...more about her later. As I looked more into it...it made sense to me. Maybe it's because of all the TCM, acupuncture and Eastern medicine alternatives I've been living in accordance to, but encouraging adequate blood flow down there is integral to reproductive health.

I saw the post, saw the horrified reaction to it and kind of forgot about it. Fast forward a few months. I was at a birthday party and a fellow mom asked me how my infertility issues were going. She had seen my post during National Infertility Week and messaged me privately about having to grab a cup of coffee...we needed to talk. I told her, kind of same old same old. Well, listen to this, she said.

She had been trying for several years to conceive her son. Her doctor finally ran labs on her and her FSH came back at 33. For all us POF ladies, we know what that means. POI / POF diagnosis was imminent. She scheduled a consult with a fertility doctor, but there was a three month wait so she continued her acupuncture and TCM and heard about this crazy thing called a Yoni Steam. She decided to give it a whirl...couldn't hurt. So, she went to a little spa in Korea Town and had a vagina steam. Low and behold, she conceived that cycle. Two years go by and she is trying for number two. Knows it's near impossible but thought, eh, I'll have it done again, see if it works. Has it done, and PRESTO! Now, that can be purely coincidental I know, but she told me as crazy as it sounds, seriously just try it.

So, I thought back to that thread on Facebook, searched it, found the girl who'd tried it and messaged her. She looked back through her emails to when she tried it and found out it was the month before she'd conceived her son. She says she has no clue if THAT is what did it, but the timing was uncanny.

I talked to my husband about it, expecting he'd be horrified and in stride he just said, "Do it. It can't hurt." And, he's right. I priced out two spas that do it in town and prices range from $60-$90 for a V-steam. The gal on Facebook did it herself so I started looking into that. I was worried where I'd get the proper herbs, until I ran across the site Vibrant Souls. This site not only had amazing info on the Yoni Steam (more pleasant and anatomically correct than V-steam) but also had the herbs for sale and very reasonably priced.

For $15 you get three steams and if you sign up for their monthly membership it has free shipping and their guided meditation. My friend who did it at home said she paid $5 for the herbs in store, so the price was identical, but Vibrant Souls uses all organic certified herbs in the amounts that are correct. I figure why not.

I contacted the owner and asked if I could get a sample to review for you and she's popping it in the mail. I'm really hoping I love it and I plan to sign up for the monthly membership. I figure one acupuncture session is $40 and I go twice a month. If a Yoni Steam promotes blood flow and health down there, that's a fraction of the cost to steam three times a month. Whether it miraculously causes a spontaneous pregnancy, or just prepares my womb to carry for our embryo adoption, it's a win win.

As soon as it arrives and I'm able to give it a try, I will definitely let you know how it goes and what I think. I'm really excited to try it. I've tried all other holistic routes and after seeing how beneficial they've all been, I can't help but think, as crazy as it sounds to someone not rooted in holistic treatment, that I see the vast possibilities in it.

I'll write more about it and how it benefits when I post my review.

In other news, I'm off to the chiropractor in a few minutes to get cracked before boarding a plane for a nice lengthy vacation with my son. I'm trying to fit in TCM on Friday before I go as well. I know I should probably have a nice acupuncture session and get stocked on herbs.

EA is still on stand still. I knew we wouldn't hear anything until August, but I catch myself getting nervous and excited. I started an online course in epigenetics. It's way way way above my head because it talks about all the DNA coding and how and why it varies. My interest is more in the EA aspects of how epigenetics would apply to embryo adoption and the mother carrying the baby. I was told by the instructor later lectures would be more applicable, but it was important to know the science behind it.

I feel like I'm in a Charlie Brown world with the teacher going "wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa." Thankfully, I'm doing it for knowledge, not accreditation. I can kind of pick and chose what I pay attention to. There is also a great documentary on it on youtube. Although that one covers the science of it in the beginning, it is in layman's terms ;) They get more into the EA aspects toward the end.

In a nut shell. Everyone has genetic coding, but there are things that "turn off" certain genes and "turn" others on. Although an embryo may have coding for blue eyes, they could be light or dark depending on what "turns" on that gene. So, a genetic sibling to a baby I carry may have light blue eyes and my baby have dark blue eyes because that is what I have. Same with hair, personality traits, medical issues. All very fascinating.

They are finding that for people outside EA, it is incredibly applicable that how your great grandmother ate may affect your medical issues now. Something I thought interesting in terms of POF. I personally feel that as generations from us are born we will see some adverse effects from the toxins in our environment, food and medicines. I'm excited more research in the field is being done. Diseases like Alzheimers and Diabetees they are finding may be fueled by epigenetic factors.

Any who, I went off on a nerd tangent.

As always, keep the Faith and God Bless!

·         Tap

EA and TCM

June 6, 2015

Well, big news yesterday!! Our clinic called and we have a probable match. All the fine details need to be worked out, but if all goes according to plan, we may be adopting three beautiful little embies come August or September.

A couple is donating 7 embryos, and they are splitting them, four to a couple ahead of us in line, and three to us. God was shining down, they are three fully hatched blasts that come from a donor egg situation and have all been genetically tested. The odds of hatched blasts? Slim. The odds of embryos from a healthy, young donor egg? Slim. The odds of genetically tested embryos? Slim. The odds of all three? Nearly impossible.

Why does this all excite me so? Here's a breakdown. When a couple does IVF, a certain percentage of the eggs fertilize. Of those, some go on the grow and by day three some have arrested. Of those, some of those typically arrest by day 5. Of those, some have cells that aren't grouped correctly or may not hatch. ALL of these are hatched.

Why am I excited it was a donor egg? Many couples who go through IVF have their own set of fertility issues. Some are from older women where the eggs may not be as young. As women age, there is a higher risk that there are genetic abnormalities in the eggs. A bleak statistic is 80-90% of eggs women over 40 have aren't "good eggs." You know how I feel about statistics. I throw that out the window. I think it has more to do with overall health, but the reality is, when you're in your 20s, your eggs are more healthy.

The genetically tested? That REALLY gets me excited because we've already ruled out most genetic issues the embryos could have. Most miscarriages are caused because the embryos have genetic issues that impede implantation or correct development. Knowing the embryos don't have those issues, increases the chances of a live, healthy birth significantly.

I'll keep you posted how all this unfolds. For now, it's an exciting possibility.

I went back to TCM today. As expected, my pulse was a bit wiry. They were concerned if I'd been dealing with some emotional things or was tired. Well, yes to both. My husband has been traveling five days a week and although I'm relieved and feel blessed for the work, anyone can tell you that leaves some pressures and stresses to the parent at home who also works full time. Is what it is. I'll just keep trying to relax.

They also stressed that I need to eat more. More fats. More proteins. So, I have to concentrate on that as well. The acupuncture itself was fine. I had to chuckle. I know I've talked about what a character my male doctor is. He came in midway through my session and said, "Emily, are you Mormon." You'd be surprised how often I get asked that! I said, "No, why?" "Just wondering," and he left.

I inquired after why he asked. My friend who introduced me to him is Mormon and he went on to tell me that he used to be Mormon. The missionaries in Taiwan were the ones who taught him English. I swear this man has done everything. Black belt, pizza restaurant owner, Ex-Mormon, now Buddhist chanter, meditator and acupuncturist TCM. I love his stories!

I told him about the EA and he was confused. He thought I was attempting IVF and was trying to tell me not to waste my money right now, I wasn't ready. Once he understood it wouldn't be my eggs, he said I should want my own child. Erm. Thanks for input. I laugh it off. It's generational and cultural. He DID say however that if we go that route, they can help us with the transfer and "holding" the baby there.

All in all, is what it is. I'm home, about to make a big ole protein smoothie and catch up with work before my son wakes from his nap.

I feel good about things though. I feel like there is no pressure. If we conceive, awesome. If not, knowing we have 3 possible embryos is exciting. My husband and I both knew right away this was right for us, because we were elated with the call. It's moving faster for us than they typical couple I imagine because we had no preference for ethnicity, so we jumped in front of quite a few waiting couples. For us, a healthy baby is our priority.

We'll see if my ovaries get antsy and make one last Hail Mary ;)

God Bless!

Back to TCM

May 14, 2015

Well, today was back to TCM. My female half of the dynamic duo was back from China, and sadly, rather depressed. I think the full gravity of her father's passing has really hit her. She teared up several times during our session.

My pulses I gather were a bit weak today. She knew right off the bat I was dealing with some emotional things. They diagnosed it as depression. I know what that means for them. Stress, emotions, etc. They told me to "relax relax relax." That seems to be the motto that surrounds me whenever I visit. She did say my tongue looked good, so I guess my body overall is doing better.

I talked to them about my osteopenia diagnosis, low estrogen and trouble sleeping and asked them to brew help for all of the above into my magical herb concoction. My male TCM explained to me that they are really trying to fortify my kidney channel which would help all of the above. The kidney channel controls the ovaries, which control the estrogen, which controls the calcium in my bones. And all of the above help sleep.

Give me an extra dose of that, please.

During my acupuncture they put on a new music mix, which, apparently was suppose to be calming and therapeutic and it could not have been further from it. It was like a combo of Chinese music and an Irish jig. I laid there eyes wide open trying to stop my feet from doing the Riverdance on the table. When she came in to adjust my needles I tried to ask her to change it, but she didn't understand me and left. Ah well. I did mention to him when I was done that I prefer the other music. This one just made me want to dance.

I'm back tracking here to my chiropractor appointment this last Monday. I told him also about the osteopenia and he said he was glad I told him but was concerned if they were putting me on any medications. I told him no that I wanted to treat holistically, bracing myself for any backlash and he gave me the thumbs up and said "good for you. That stuff is nasty. Like, really bad for you."

I've been exploring how to raise my estrogen again. I've been doing more research on phytoestrogens. Although I'm still avoiding soy because it can wreak havoc on normal hormonal function, I'm trying to introduce a few phytoestrogens to see if a higher "estrogen" level in my body can help prevent osteoperosis and consequently lower my FSH enough to let me body take over hormone production.

Some of the phytoestrogen I've been using I believe has helped improve my estradiol levels. In my opinion, the shatavari root helps as well as some of the essential ols.

I feel like this is all a wait and see thing. Some will work. Some won't. And, it's important to remember that everybody's body chemistry is different so what works for me may not work for you.

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday and it feels a little bitter sweet to me. All the hub bub about fertility declining after 35 and throw on top of it I'm technically already post menopausal and it makes me feel like it's a lost cause...and then I regroup and say "Screw it. I reject the stupid diagnosis."

I guess what it all comes down to is faith. I was talking to my friend the other night (who just adopted the embryos) and she was asking me about our plans. I told her I just didn't know. I've been praying so hard for a clear definite sign and I've felt like my faith was lacking I hadn't gotten it yet. I said I was in awe, and a bit jealous how her signs were, quite literally, undeniable.

She said something that was so reassuring to me. She said sometimes you just need to start moving ahead and that your feelings are the best indication of God speaking in your life. If we start training for fost adopt and we get that feeling in our gut it isn't right, it isn't. Or if we start the adoption process with embryos and have that sinking feeling, it isn't right. If we start either and we feel excited...Bingo.

I told her my fear pursuing anything right now is that I've put so much faith in God that I will be healed or miraculously get pregnant, that I feel like I'm saying I've lost my faith if I pursue either option. She made me feel better about it not admitting defeat or losing faith. She made a good point that we could go ahead with either and still conceive. It will never be an "end of the road" situation.

I do feel that we've a lot of wonderful options and I'm excited and really scared to explore them. I know and trust our child will find his or her way into our family. Perhaps God had bigger plans than I intended and I need to graciously accept the journey. And, by that, I mean all the things I've learned about valuing my son even more, my relationship with my husband and family, living every day as healthy as I can, as full as I can and finding a closer relationship to God.

I suppose I've rambled long enough.

God Bless!

Cycle Day 42 Check In

May 3, 2015

Just a quick check in for you. Not a whole lot has changed here. Still feeling great, sleeping well and am asymptomatic. I did get a Zyto re-do at the event the other night and am happy to report my heart and inner child (emotional blockages) are clear. I really do think opening up about our struggles helped release a lot of my inner demons and depression.

It was funny, the oil it suggested was Brain Power. I had been running around like a maniac trying to get things set for that evening, juggle work, my son's schedule and some acting things. I had 30 "points" out of line and 20 were from that. So, honestly I just laughed and felt really good about it. I knew that was only a temporary issue from stress and a crazed mind.

The other oil suggested was celery seed, which I thought was really interesting because I can usually smell it in my TCM herbs. It's usually one of the strongest herbs in there, and I remember telling my mom I couldn't smell the celery seed in this last batch. Apparently, my body missed it.

The other one was a cortisol supplement, that I too think was only a temporary issue due to stress.

All in all, my imbalances were minor, which I honestly thought they would be going in. I feel great. My breasts have been a bit tender on and off so I feel like my body is pumping some hormones. I haven't been charting, but I'm on day 42 of this cycle. For now, just plugging along to see what happens.

I go back and forth about charting the next cycle. My TCM wants me to, but I find it liberating not. Honestly, I think I may just hold off on that. I've kind of placed it in God's hands and am trusting that. I feel like charting and all the testing just kept reinstating in my mind I was "sick" versus giving it to God and trusting and expecting I am well. The trusting I am healed has manifested as my feeling good and having no symptoms. I'll go with that. As silly as it sounds, I give my body affirmations it's well and functioning properly. Good thing I've always been a good listener, eh?  ;)

My next chore is to get into a gym. Right now, I've been really conscientious about taking long and fast strolls with my son every other day or so. When I'm working, I take mini breaks and do 50 jumping jacks before sitting back behind the desk. I know it's a minor change, but I want my circulation getting blood where it needs to go (hello, ovaries that's you) and to get some more weight bearing time in for my spine.

It's curious, my aunt went in for her dexa scan after chemo and she mentioned it's good she's being monitored because her sister (my mom ) and I have early onset osteopenia, but only in the spine. Her doctor said she's not convinced we do as any shadow in the spine could register as bone loss. An injury, misalignment, anything. She said she only really went by bone loss in the ankle. My doctor didn't check for that. I do have a phone consult on Monday to go over my results, so I'll ask about the bone loss only in the spine.

Off to church. God Bless and stay strong! 

Heart Fire, Healing and Health

April 25, 2015

Well, my labs are rolling in and so far no surprises. The things I knew were high, iron and FSH, are high. The thing I knew was low, estrogen, is low. There are a few on the cusp or too high or too low, but most are smack dab in the middle. My vitamin D is on the low end of normal so I think she'll suggest a higher dose.

It was back to my TCM today for acupuncture and a reload of herbs. I brought up the osteopenia and he said he'd add some herbs for that, but it all ties into my kidney channel. The kidney channel controls bone, which is what also controls reproduction. Makes sense. It controls ovaries which control estradiol production which controls how bones absorb calcium.

He also said after looking at my tongue, that the tip was red which meant heart fire. He asked if I'd been emotional. Why yes, yes I have. He also asked if I'd had a bit of dizziness of nausea. Why yes, yes I have. I'd actually written about it a week or so ago wondering if it was one of the oils I was using.

He said it's called heart fire because ancient Chinese thought he heart controlled emotion, much like we did too. When you're sad, you are heartbroken. Same thing. It has nothing to do the with heart organ itself, but the emotions. He said he'd add some things to my herbs to calm my emotions.

When he did the acupuncture, he explained to me the fire spots that go from the tip of your middle finger to the inner arm near the elbow. They are the line of fire. The tip of your finger is wood, in the palm is fire, on the wrist is earth, near it metal and up your warm water. He put needles in the earth (ash) and water position to poor water on my emotions and depression so there was ash. Basically, to get rid of it. Pretty cool.

As long as I'm paying for this, I'm having him take care of everything. I was a bit like a porcupine today with 44 needles ranging from fertility, to depression to carpal tunnel. Those carpal tunnel ones are killers. They send shock waves up your whole hand right up your finger. I have to say I despise those ones, but I haven't been having pain anymore so I trust they are working.

He also explained to me that when my other doctor returns from China next week that her needles where too high on my abdomen. They should be one inch above my pubic bone. Apparently she was too shy to pull my pants down far enough.

When they both feel I'm ready they will do the "pregnancy hold" acupuncture which is apparently just five needles. One in the stomach, two on the calves (I think that's where he pointed) and two in the ankle. He said right now they are busy increasing energy all over, but when I'm strong enough, that will really zero in on that one area and it is powerful.

Honestly, I find TCM fascinating. It really is incredible how the whole body ties into itself. It seems rather obvious, but when you think how one small things sets off a chain reaction. Amazing.

He did ask how my temp was and I had to admit I haven't been temping. He said a mental break was good for my emotional well being, but I get the sense he'd like me to start again at some point. I will. For now, the break is good.

As I write this I'm busy doing my oil pulling. Not as bad as when I first started. I do need to start with my castor oil packs again at some point. It's really quite relaxing, I just need to get into my rythym. My husband has been traveling and between working full time, taking care of my son and keeping things moving on the acting front, I just haven't had the time. I need to change that.

My mother in law called the other day saying her sister, a nurse on a maternity ward, tracked down an OBYN at a conference who knew about POF. This doctor was adamant that the first thing I should have been tested for was celiac. That they are finding major ties between it and POF and infertility in general. I emailed my OB, who I think took a bit of offense because she instructed me to contact my regular doctor very curtly. I figure they've been testing me for everything else, one more test can't hurt.

It's not surprising really. The wheat in this country is appalling. It's nothing like the ancient wheat our ancestors use to eat. It's even harvested too early (for higher profit) making the chemical make up completely different. Makes me shudder, our food industry.

I know a lot of blood tests for celiac come up false negative and the biopsy is the only way to tell, but regardless my result (if they allow it) I may give it up for a while to see how it impacts me. A lot of women in the infertility forum have had tremendous improvement once kicking gluten. Makes me wonder...

I'm attending an essential oil event. I also want a new Zyto scan. Remember, my last one said heart (emotional) health was impaired and inner child (emotional conflict from past.) I'm curious in light on what my TCM said, what it is now.

I've also really delved back into the word. There was a passage in Nerida's book (who you know I love) that said to stop saying you have the condition you have. Your tongue is a powerful sword and what you say is, IS. So, I've been talking to my body every morning and every night. "Body, you work perfectly. Body, you are healed. Ovaries, you have plentiful eggs that are growing. Body, you hormones are the correct levels. Body, you are in line with what God said, that you should be fruitful and multiply." May sound silly, but I believe the spoken word and the mind are powerful.

God Bless.

Acu update and Embryo Adoption 101

April 9, 2015

Back to my TCM today. My pulses were good. Like, good. Not, meh, good for me, but normal. My left side was a tad weaker, but after my acupuncture session he said it was nice and strong. I told him about my no herbs theory and he wasn't too keen on it. He said, if I had to choose between one or the other to do herbs. I reminded him how he said I always responded so well to acupuncture and he said yes, but that is a temporary fix, herbs build long term strength in my body. Read between the lines...a lifetime of taking them. Sigh. I did manage to get a discount on the herbs. $10 off, but hey, $10 off.

I'm toying with the idea of asking for a month long herb concoction (remember, I only do every other day so that's only a two week prescription) and just getting acupuncture when I go for a refill once a month. I really have to sit with this though because up until now, my uterus and ovaries have not only done well, but great. They are normal size and I can't help but credit adequate blood flow as part of the reason. So many woman with POF don't even have ovaries anymore. They can shrivel up like raisins. This, I want to avoid. My ultimate goal (of course is to get a nice plum egg out of them) but long term, to keep them healthy and producing hormone on their own.

It's funny. In the midst of all my moving forward on EA, I find I'm growing more and more certain of my own body being able to ovulate, conceive and carry. I really feel the Lord at work. My body has grown so much stronger just over the course of these past few weeks.

I also tried out a gym, and I have to say, I love it. I went two nights after I read my son stories for bedtime. I did a Zumba class and a pilates class. It was fun to meet up with my friend. It was a nice adult time out with a friend, which I think is so important and has been lacking in my life, but also great for my body. I really can't help but wonder if my problems are exacerbated by the fact, I'm not getting my heart pumping as much any more. Yes, I walk, chase my son, do little things here and there, but before he was born I worked out everyday for an hour. Usually hikes, brisk walks or some sort of dance type aerobics.

If I can get the blood pumping and work on more strength training, I think that will only be beneficial, not only to long term health but getting blood to my reproductive organs. It's an added expense every month, but I'm starting to feel a legitimate one that I need. Both physically, and emotionally. I get so stressed, so so stressed, and I find just working out really helps. I know that. I've always known that, but I know think the membership fee is well worth it. And, like I said, a bit of adult time with friends a few nights a week...so worth it. They've a kid's program there as well for $10 a month. Basically, it includes care for my son for two hours every day. Even if I just used that a few times a month, well worth the $10.

My sister-in-law text me with a bunch of questions about embryo adoption and I said I'd email her all about it, but I figured why not put it here. I'm sure a lot of people have questions. Here goes, my embryo adoption 101.

The term embryo adoption is a bit of a misnomer as it isn't a "technical adoption." To adopt, would mean it's a "life" and without getting into all the logistics and politics of it, some people are uncomfortable viewing it that way.

Aside from some double donor programs (there is a donor egg and donor sperm - one with extremely high success rates if you go this route is California Conceptions with a price tag of about $12,000 for three cycles, but most people qualify for a full refund if all three are unsuccessful) the embryos are not "created" for the people adopting or receiving the donor embryos. Most are left over from IVF cycles. Left over? Well, when people go through IVF there are normally some left over embryos. Example, a woman has 15 eggs retrieved. Maybe 13 fertilize. By day 3, perhaps 10 remain growing and there are 8 left by day 5. Most women have 1 or 2 embryos implanted. That means she would have 6 or 7 remaining. These are frozen.

If a couple decides they are done having children they have options. Leave the embryos on ice (which can get extremely expensive paying $700 or so a year to keep them frozen), donate them to science, destroy them or donate them. For many people, having strived for so long with fertility issues of their own, they can't fathom destroying their embryos so decide to bless a couple who cannot conceive with these potential little blessings.

There are several ways to pursue embryo adoption. One, you can hire an agency. This is most like a normal adoption. Potential donors can pick you as the adoptee. You must complete a home study as in traditional adoption. This is the most expensive route. Many agencies charge fees up to $8000 and when you add in home studies, legal documents, shipping and the fees for the FET (frozen embryo transfer) and medications, it ends up being the same price as many traditional adoptions. The bummer is, the federal tax credit does not apply in this case as it's not considered a true adoption.

Another method of pursuing embryo adoption is a private match. There are various websites out there where you an advertise you are looking and like above, a donating family can find you. Some of these too require home studies. You can also advertise in various forums and groups (I'm on one on Facebook) for potential matches. With this you would hire an attorney to do the legal paperwork, arrange for shipping of the embryos and do the transfer at the clinic of your choosing, or travel to the clinic the embryos are at. Some clinics however charge coordinating or administrative fees for using outside donors. One clinic, the one I met with charges more for the coordinating fee than the FET itself.

The last method of embryo adoption is more aptly coined embryo donation program. It is within the clinic itself. As people's storage comes due and they don't want to keep paying, they release the embryos to the clinic. Most are anonymous donations and go to the next person in line. Some people receiving embryos have certain criteria (a certain minority for example that they want.) Some donors I'm sure have criteria as well. I've seen some want certain religions for example.

The adopting couples do know some information about the donors. If open, you can get to know the couple as much as you want. Semi-open there is usually some degree of communication as well. For closed anonymous donation type scenarios, there is usually a stat sheet with the physical description, ethnic background and medical background of the donating couple as well as most times an embryology report that lists if there was genetic testing and the amount and grades of each of the embryos. The grading scale is too complex for me to go in here, but here's a website that breaks it down in case you want to learn more.

Here is a link to Day 3 grading. And, here is a link to Day 5 grading.

Some clinics prefer day 3, some day 5. It really depends on the clinic you choose and the health of the embryos. I briefly asked at the clinic I went to, and they said sometimes they prefer day 3 if the embryo is advanced and ready to break out of the shell. In that case, they transfer earlier to avoid it arresting before day 5. I've heard other people say their clinics wait through day 5 once it officially is a blastolyst because they think the more advanced it is in development, the stronger it is and it increases the likelihood of attaching and developing properly. The argument for day 5 is, you never know if a day 3 embryo will arrest by day 5 once in you. The flip side is, do they arrest because they aren't in the environment to grow. It all comes down to how much you trust your doctor to advise you.

Most times, assisted hatching is used before transfer. This is to ensure the embryo is able to break out of it's shell. I've read that freezing an embryo before it hatches can thicken the shell which is why a lot of clinics suggest using this technology. Other clinics ensure they are hatched before freezing thinking it optimizes the chances of a successful live birth after transfer. Again, find a doctor you can trust. The assisted hatching is a small laser cut in the shell. It's brief and precise and does not harm the embryo.

All off the above can be open, semi-open or closed adoptions. It is illegal to buy an embryo or request money for one. It IS legal to ask that the adopting family pay your legal fees, storage or transportation of the embryo. If anyone EVER asks you for money for their embryo report them.

Traditionally, EA IVF is cheaper than normal IVF. I say traditionally because if you go through an agency, you could end up paying more in fees. The procedure itself however is much cheaper. The reason is you are just doing a frozen embryo transfer. You do not have to stimulate the ovaries or have eggs retrieved and it requires far less monitoring. You are just doing the last step of what would be involved in the IVF cycle which is putting the embryo in.

There is however more prep with medications to prepare your body for transfer from what I understand because you are creating the environment to be ready for transfer which does require weekly monitoring to ensure your endometrial lining is the correct thickness. IVF cycles average about $12,400 according to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. This fee does not include medications and there may be additional cost with ultra sounds, mock transfers and freezing and storing left over embryos.

A FET cycle seems to range between $3000-$5000. It's important to realize that this, as well as with IVF, does not always include everything like assisted hatching, mock transfers, consults, refreezing and it does not include any medications which can range from $1000-$3000 depending on what you need. Something else to keep in mind are the legal documents (some require you hire an attorney, some anonymous donations just require a notarized document saying you are accepting them.) Some clinics require FDA testing on the embryos, some don't unless it's donor egg or sperm. Some clinics don't include ultra sounds or pregnancy testing.

Ask a lot of questions regarding every kind of possible fee or out of pocket cost. If we do an EA through our clinic, procedures I anticipate will cost around $4200 with medications a few thousand on top of that. FDA testing would be anywhere between $400-$1000 from what I hear (if it hasn't been done) and depending on the situation if I have to hire a lawyer, or just do a notarized transfer, legal bills. For me, I'd also have to do a round of testing ahead of time, as you would with a traditional IVF of STD testing and thyroid functions to ensure the meds will be ok. This, I can have ordered through insurance, so the cost won't be as high as through a clinic. Still much cheaper than DE IVF (with a price tag between $20,000-$40,000) and traditional adoption around $25,000.

Is your head spinning yet? Mine sure was. There are a lot of great websites out there to learn more and answer your questions. If you ever consider it, please message me. I will add you to an outstanding support group to learn more on Facebook. I feel like I've learned far more through women's personal experiences than trying to navigate this alone.

As always, God Bless. Stay strong. Have faith. Always.

Spotting, Essential Oils, Healing and Acupuncture

March 7, 2015

Well, I suppose it's time for an update. My cycle is strange. What's new, right? I thought I may have ovulated, but my temp went back down. It's had a bit of up and down, but my thought is the initial spike was from a cold. I also spotted for 12 days. Light pink or brown and only when I wiped.

I was a bit emotional this week. I won't lie. There are times I just feel like throwing in the towel, but what am I left with? Ovaries that still don't function? My body is still broken outside of the fertility side of it, so I've really no option than to plug along.

I could always go the HRT route, but I've no faith in that as a long term option. I don't want medication to be what I rely on, and I don't want medication to be what my body relies on to operate correctly. Please know, if you are reading this and on HRT or trying to decide if that is what you want, that is totally ok and you SHOULD do your research. If you opt for HRT it is a wonderful tool and medication and you need to do what is right FOR YOU!! For me, I'm more comfortable with the holistic route as long as my body is responding. If it ever stops, I'll explore HRT as an option.

On the fertility front, we are having more children. I'm convinced biologically, but I've continued my research into fostering to adopt and Embryo Adoption. In fact, my friend who I introduced to the idea of EA is transferring next month!!! The way the path was literally thrown in her face is miraculous, but that is her story to tell. I'm so thrilled and excited for them and pray for a successful transfer so they can hold their take home baby! I also ripped out an article about fostering and fostering to adopt about an informational meeting later this month.

Fostering to adopt seems like such a beautiful concept, but I don't know if I have the heart or stomach to welcome a child into our home just to see them leave. I know you must go into it with the mentality of thinking of it as temporary, but how do I explain to my two year old child their brother or sister may leave. It seems too difficult. The thing that seems even more unbearable than an adoption where the birth mom reconsiders and takes the child back is you may have this child in your custody for years and then they are reconciled. Still an option I am considering because I think so many children need good homes.

Adoption as I've said before is EXPENSIVE!! Even with tax credits, it's still not an option for us at this time.

On my biological fertility front, I was back to TCM today. He asked if I was hurried getting there because it was reflected in my pulse. I was in fact! He also asked if I have been worrying too much.., Yes, indeed. He said he both my pulse and tongue reflected that. To let go of my stress and anxiety (relax relax relax) because it was making me "depressed."

During acupuncture, he added needles to my regiment to help with the depression. A few in my wrists, legs and head. He said it was the "thirteen needles" or "thirteen points." He said it was misleading because it was more than thirteen needles, but thirteen points. Three in my head. Some in my abdomen, some in my wrists and some in my legs. These points are suppose to encourage overall energy, circulation and Qi. The ones in my temples were rather deep and I tried to ask him a question and got instant pressure. Apparently my jaw muscles were pinned up in there. Or maybe he was just sick of my asking questions and jammed some in there to shut me up ;)

I asked more about the points in my legs, the ones that extended from my inner calf to my ankle and he said it was to increase energy. He also showed me how to use my heal to drag it down over those points. He said I should be doing that every night before sleep to help with my kidney and spleen channel. He showed me how to drag my heel over the top of my foot (the bones between the big toe and one next to it) to help with depression of the liver "stress, axiety, etc" every night as well. He said it was the "lazy" way of acupressure but very effective.

The point in my foot area that was extremely tender today was in my Achilles. He had really put it in deep to help with my depression, but that is such a sensitive area! The only point on my abdomen that was tender was over my right ovary. He did the normal five pattern around my naval and then put five across just above my pubic bone. He told me the five points (which I don't remember) but I know the short term for one of them was the "catch" point telling my body to catch an egg and the "come back" point telling my ovaries to start working again. Obviously, those were laymen's terms so I'd understand.

After my session I asked him about my pulse. He said that it was weaker than he wanted, but overall not bad. My right pulse, or Qi, was stronger today than the left, or "blood." This is opposite what it was before, so I'm happy my Qi is improving. The herbs I am taking this week are suppose to help nourish my blood.

So, I was sent home with new herbs, a few new massages to incorporate into my routine, with strict rules of meditating and relaxing.

I'm starting to use some essential oils.  I'll put a drop on each foot every night in my lavender magnesium lotion that I'm already using. I'm excited to start learning more and using more essential oils. I know a lot are skeptical of them, but a lot of the medications we use are from plants, which is what these are. By applying them topically or breathing them in aromatically, they go directly into your blood stream.

If you think about it, it's very effective and makes a lot of sense. They don't have nasty biproducts and fillers that a lot of meds do. I just read an article how many hospitals are beginning to incorporate essential oils into their care. I know my sons dentist uses essential oils in the office to calm children. She works with children on the spectrum and it's been proven to calm and settle them in that setting.

So many interesting things I'm learning about. This disease has obviously been a nasty curse, but when I look at the bright side, I've learned so much about how our bodies work, how to keep them healthy, we've changed our diet, gotten rid of toxins like cleaners and personal care products that can cause harm...I feel like we've used it as incentive to make our lives healthier, teach our son to be healthy and make good long term choices. I suppose you have to look at the good with the bad.

My next project is trying to learn how to do indoor composting without a stink. If you've any tips let me know. I've explored two ways to do it, but I'm skeptical... As my son and I have been planting (he has carrots, broccoli, tomato, beans and potatoes growing) I've been really wanting to start our own compost. The organic dirt is pricey and we are literally throwing money out with the trash.

Back to the fertility front, this is the first day in almost two weeks I haven't been spotting. I did take a pregnancy test last week and I was a faint positive (not as dark as before) so my hormones are hopefully getting better. I'll go back to the take one every week or two route until I can get a clear thermal shift and know what's happening.

Every night I pray to "Let Go and Let God" and every day I struggle with that lesson. I was reading Nerida's book the other night and read something that made so much sense. Instead of praying to God to heal me, I need to demand my body to be healed because God already gave me the power to do so. God said in the bible

Mark 3:15 - And to have power to heal sicknesses, and to cast out devils

It was a moment of clarity. I keep pleading with God for a miracle when God in fact has already given me the power to do so. I decided to take a moment to remind my body. Not that I have the authority to heal, but that GOD has declared I am healed...I think it needed a reminder. So do I.

Until next time. God Bless.

Today WAS a Brighter Day

Feb. 21, 2015

Today WAS a brighter day. I really was struggling. I'm in better spirits now and we've a lot to catch up on!

I'll chat about today and then backtrack. Today was my TCM appointment. My female doctor was in China visiting her mom. A bit off topic, but she went back to China to tell her mom that her dad had passed while here in the US. Obviously, there is a generational and cultural gap because I know for a fact my mom would have some choice words for me if I didn't mention her husband had passed away several months previous. For them, this was the best decision, and I can imagine this has been a very difficult and emotional trip for her.

Back on topic, her husband, my other doctor treated me today. He took my pulse per usual and said it was pretty good. In his words, that means good. He's usually more of the pessimist of the two ;) I'd called him yesterday wanting to know if I should come because I believe I ovulated. I always have that nagging fear that IF I did ovulate and an egg was fertilized I don't want to disrupt the flow down there for implantation and the babe to grow. He assured me it was best to come in.

When I got there today, I asked specifics. I know when my friend got IVF, they said no acupuncture after transfer. He told me that her and I were completely different cases. That ONCE I got an official positive they would discontinue acupuncture, but for now, they were signalling my body to "catch" the egg. He told me the no-no spots that would cause miscarriage (in between your thumb and forefinger, and on your shoulder between your neck and shoulder bone.)

As he started doing the acupuncture, I noticed a different touch. She basically taps it in. He, especially on my head was very heavy handed. It didn't hurt necessarily, but it felt much deeper. I asked about specific spots today since he is fluent in English. The spots of my thumb and ring finger are to catch pregnancy and should be switched every week. If the left thumb and right ring finger are done, you swap it the following session. The spots on my head were for Qi. These were the ones he really skewered in there, and later told me is his specialty. The head is his forte. He told me a man was in there last week and he'd put a needle 3" in to assist in restoring his hearing. Say what?? <--- get it. (ah haha, attempt at pathetic humor numero uno)

He did different spots than she normally does. Some were the same, but I noticed fewer spots on my abdomen and more on my legs. He did needles all the way down between my knee and heel on my calf and did an additional on my foot. Interestingly enough, I'd just messaged a friend that did DE IVF last night asking about her needle placement after transfer and she had specifically mentioned those areas.

As he was about to leave he asked about herbs and I said I had a bit of a head cold and should I not take them this week. He said, I should take them, but he'd adjust the mix to help my sinuses. He asked if there was anything else he should know and I mentioned my back was really hurting. I don't know if I need an adjustment, pulled a muscle, slept funny (we did drive to AZ and back, the back was 9 hrs, maybe I tweaked it) or what, but last night I could not fall asleep at all I was in such discomfort.

He said. "Back pain?" Came over, lifted my pant leg. Swabbed a point with alcohol and jabbed a needle REALLY far into my thigh. "All better." Ok...we shall see. I was rather skeptical of that one because it was just ONE needle and it still hurt.

About 45 minutes later he returned. My back still hurt a bit and I thought "Hmph, guess that didn't work." Bummer! BUT, as I was coming home, I noticed it hurt less. When I got home, I bent down to touch my toes and no pain left. UNREAL!! That little jab did the trick. I was amazed!

As he was pulling the needles out of my head, out of curiosity I asked him how far he'd put them in. Ya know, thinking a few millimeters...he showed me...about an inch! An inch!! Maybe just shy and my disbelief stretched it to an inch, but just about all the way up the pokey part of the needle. Where it went, I do now know. I mean, I've a skull in there. The only think I can think is that it goes in almost perpendicular and stretches beneath the surface? No clue. I need to get someone to take a picture. He did say the head was his specialty and all.

I had a chance to chat with him more in depth about his specialty and his wife's. She apparently really excels with herbs and his forte is acupuncture. They are both good at both, but those are really where their strengths lie. I got to ask him more about his life and he explained how he taught meditation (this I knew) but he went years without sleeping. He'd sit and meditate for six hours a night. I asked if that was healthy and he said if you do it deeply, it's more restful than sleep. He also told me about his days as a Kung Fu master and I'd the great pleasure of watching him do the praying mantis pose (with about 40 needles sticking in me of course!)

I head back there in two weeks for another acupuncture session and a refill on herbs. I'm only doing those every other day, but my body still seems to be progressing. I suppose that is good that my body is starting to work on it's own.

I'll backtrack to a few nights ago. I've talked a bit before about essential oils and how I'd like to learn more. A friend text me last minute she was going to an informal gathering for essential oils and would I like to go. It was a pizookie party (think of a huge gooey chocolate chip cooked in a mini pizza pan topped with ice cream.) Kind of hard to turn down ;)

While I was there, I started chatting with the woman about infertility. I was amazed at how much she knew about the mechanics of it and various fertility issues. She didn't know POF off hand, but was well schooled in how to treat differently for someone who is ovulating and how to encourage hormone production TO ovulate for someone who isn't. It actually isn't a bad deal to do the starter kit...11 oils, an atomizer and a few promotional goodies / extras for $150. Considering one oil is usually like $25, not bad at all. I'm waiting for my friend to get her referral line in place so she gets the moola.

They also had a Zyto machine. A what? It's basically a bio-feedback machine that is hooked to your laptop. It's a giant mouse that has metal strips along your palm and fingers and it shoots electrical impulses into your body. Where you are deficient is compiled in the end. I do believe in Bio-Feedback, but I don't know enough about this machine or brand to know if it's legit. I was bracing myself for hormones awry, but surprisingly, they weren't.

The woman taking it was a bit surprised. She said most people are really out of whack with at least 40 "points" out of the area they should be. I had 31 so I was pretty well balanced. Huh? Well, good if that's true. The read out had recommended four oils. I can only remember three. One was for my heart (which I think is perfectly healthy. My blood pressure is 92/62 which I just had checked last weekend at a health fair with my mother in law and my cholesterol is great.) She said it could also be heartbreak. I'm not broken, but I've had my fair share of a heavy heart throughout this whole process. Hm. Could be true.

The second was my kidney/bladder/liver was off. Interestingly enough, that is what the TCM treat me for. The kidney channel is tied to the reproductive channel in Chinese Medicine and the liver is where you store emotional baggage and stress.

The third oil was for my "inner child." She said something emotionally scarring may have happened in childhood that made me grow up and disconnect from those raw emotions. I can't say I'm scarred from anything, but I've always been a bit of an old soul / caretaker I suppose. She said it could have been later in life too. I guess this oil is used a lot for soldiers with PTSD.

Anyway, there is a recap of my eventful week or two. Emotionally, I feel better. I still struggle which I think is normal for everyone, but I've renewed faith. Physically, I feel good. No nasty symptoms. My sleep which was really rocky for a while has started to plateau again. I think I ovulated. My temps got really low with fertile signs and then shot up. I will admit I didn't temp today because my son woke at 4 am. My cervix however still feels soft, high and open so I won't be shocked if they drop again and my body tries to reboot. I do have a feeling though that my ovaries kicked one out.

And, full disclosure, I did take a pregnancy test today. It'd be way to early to tell if I had ovulated if I was pregnant, but since I was on day CD34, I always test to be sure before an acupuncture session. It was a faint positive again, which kind of made me sad thinking my hormones could be getting wacky for a bit, but my body has a way of rebounding more quickly now.

On a quick side note, I've talked before about being a member of a few online support groups. It seems a bit surreal to find such friends and comfort online when you've never met, but I've resolved myself that that is what it is today. If I hadn't found those groups, I would not know another soul with my condition or learn how they've dealt with it from a medical stand point, emotional stand point, or a practical stand point. In these groups, I always feel a bit lost at times because I DO have a child. A lot of these women do not. I have to sensor myself a bit. I'm thrilled to announce now that there is a support group for MOMMIES WITH POF/POI.

It's nice to be able to talk openly about the heartache of wanting another child to complete your family or a brother or sister for your little one without being hushed quickly by "at least you have one. Quit complaining." Every time I saw someone shushed by those words in the group I was in I had a heavy heart. I understand that viewpoint, but it also is hurtful to the person you are saying it to. Minimizing another person's pain or grief just plain hurts. So, if you are a mommy with POF, please find us on Facebook.

It is a closed group which means you have to request to join. No one will see what you write, however if you publicize your groups, people can see you are in it. If you want to join privately, hover your mouse over the upper right of the group section on your Facebook homepage. Click "hide" or make it just so you can see it. It's a small, wonderful group of supportive mommies. Some have had babies through DE IVF, others EA, some naturally and some adopted. Please be respectful of everyone's privacy.

There are also support groups for POF and POI in general on Facebook here and here. If you want to learn more about DE (donor egg) IVF with POF or POI or EA (embryo adoption) with POF or POI, you can request to join that private group (you cannot search it) through one of the above groups.

Today we are on our way to celebrate the first birthday of our friends baby. They struggled 11 years (!!) with infertility. Numerous IUI's and two failed IVF's only to get pregnant on their own with no intervention. (I will tell you they did an all organic fertility juice cleanse and got pregnant two weeks later...) It just goes to show though, never give up hope. Your miracle could be just around the corner!

Well, as always, God be with you and comforting you through this journey.