Transfer is Set. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

Oct. 7, 2015

Well, a bit has happened in the last few weeks. By the title, you can surmise we are A GO! Let me back track to get you all up to speed.

Last Thursday my coordinator called and verified the embryos were now in our "guardianship" or belonged to us rather. She emailed me the medical tests that we needed to get to proceed and set up a saline ultrasound and mock transfer for the following Weds (today) where she would give me my protocol and dates. First thing I did was email my doctor requesting labs be ordered so I could get my blood work done with insurance coverage. My coordinator also told me I would need to start taking a monophasic pill so I requested that order be placed through my insurance as well.

On Saturday, my husband and I went in for our labs. He had to get STD testing as well. Basically, those tests are required by the donating party and us to show that we don't have any STDs. If we didn't get the test we could "blame" I guess the embryos for us getting something. I think the clinic requires it more to cover themselves than anything.

I also went to get acupuncture that day and brought my father-in-law who was having some neck issues. I video taped his needles being placed and my son has taken great enjoyment out of watching grandpa get poked. Ha! I also had a session. I was happy that my pulses going in to my session this time were as strong as my pulses leaving my last session, so my body is stronger. Praise God! I need that in the coming months!

I also stocked up on herbs for the next month because my TCM is going to China. I talked over my upcoming November transfer and we decided as soon as he gets back to do weekly appointments. Now that I have my dates, we will schedule three. Two weeks out, one week out and that morning as long as my clinic can get me in a bit later in the morning for transfer.

Fast forward to today. I had a bit of trouble sleeping last night because so many thoughts were racing through my head. I'm crazy emotional. I ended up taking two melatonin and used my essential oils in full force to get some sleep. This morning, my in-laws who were leaving agreed to bring our son to daycare so we could get moving to our 8 am appointment. Somehow with traffic we were still ten minutes late. I called in advance and they didn't seem overly concerned.

We got there and my nerves were in full force. After signing a consent for the saline ultrasound, they led me back to exam room 3 where I disrobed from the waist down. The nurse was rather cranky to say the least. Our doctor walked in, and within one minute flat had the tube inserted. Now, when I signed the consent I saw in bold lettering it'd be good to take ibuprofen or Advil an hour before the procedure. This message was NOT relayed to me. Take my advice, if you aren't opposed to it, take the meds. It hurt! Maybe it's because my cervix is clamped so shut because of POF or what, but they had to jimmy it in there. Yowza!

Once the tube was placed, they pumped saline in so the doctor could look for any polyps or scar tissue that'd prevent proper transfer or implantation. My uterus was given the all clear and he measured where he'd deposit the embryos at transfer. He did show me both ovaries which I am happy to report are still there and still average size. He actually pointed out two potential follicles, which is more than we've ever seen :)

I won't lie, the whole birth control pills don't prevent pregnancy in POF women ran through my head. All I can think is, let that be true. If the extra estrogen does make me pop out an egg, let us time it right. As thrilled as I am with EA, au natural would still be pretty awesome!

After he was done, he told me to put on a pad and take a few extras because I would be leaking for a few hours. Lovely. At least it was just saline (although I have had some light spotting) and told me to get dressed and meet him in the conference room.

He kind of came in, said my uterus looks great and we're on schedule. Soooo.... What is the schedule? At this point, our coordinator came in and said she'd take over. He stood to go and shake my husband's hand and I was like "wait wait wait." Awkward silence. "So, um, based on the embryos, do you have any suggestions for how many we should transfer?" Silence. "Like, percentages? Statistics?" I mean, seriously, are we the only people who ask these things? Shouldn't they be prepared for this?

You know what he told me? "Transfer as many as you want kids."

Gee. Thanks. I tried to explain without sounded completely cheap that we want to maximize our chances while still being reasonable. We prefer a singleton, but prefer twins over none. He asked our coordinator the age of the egg donor and said "60% chance if you transfer one, 80% if you transfer two and about half of those cases are twins. Anything else?" And got up and left.

Sigh.

Once he left our coordinator basically said for me to start my birth control today to hopefully prompt a period. Take my last active pill the 25th, come in on the 29th for a baseline ultrasound and to start my meds. She said at that visit she would show us how to mix the meds properly and give me the shot. Apparently, I will be taking estrogen orally with a shot every three days.

Once I start progesterone, five days before transfer, I start taking progesterone shots daily which she said she needs to teach my husband to do. She said since I am so slim (5'4" 100 lbs) that she wouldn't hold any punches. It would hurt. She said if I had a bit more meat on my bones, there'd be more places to stick it, but the needle is an intramuscular needle and we'd run out of space very quickly. She said I'd be taking that at least through the first trimester and by that point, I'd have no where to sit. BUT, it was a smaaaaaall price to pay for such a large blessing. She has a point.

All I could think was though is my husband travels. I'm going to be doing some crazy gymnastics searching for a spot that isn't black and blue to stick myself when he's gone.

I did try to clarify the donor height and she said he most likely was 5'10" but she double check. We were given a pile of consent forms and told to come back on the 29th. I did ask her for my prescription, but she was very hesitant to give it to me. She said she would order it through their pharmacy. I tried to explain without fertility coverage, I want to price it everywhere and anywhere for the most cost effective place. She said she'd send me the order and I could call the other fertility pharmacies (she listed three or four) to get pricing and I could transfer it if I wanted.  I don't think she understood completely that my intention is to buy EACH one at the cheapest place, but I will fight that battle when I have to. She wants me to order everything at one. My thought is if one clinic has this one cheap and this one has that one cheap, that is my intention.

After that, we were ushered to finances. Youch! $895 for a mock transfer. sigh. My husband I could see was starting to twitch. I'm really trying not to stress about all this money. She said my meds would be about $1500 for the transfer and about $1500 more for the pregnancy. Our transfer with the discount is $2695. Thankfully, our embies are hatched already so we don't have to pay $495 for assisted hatching. Seriously, things are spinning. :(

We left and I was just kind of silent in the car. We talked a bit and I think we are set on transferring one, but I have that nagging feeling what if it doesn't work. I need to put that thought out of my head.

We drove straight to the pharmacy for me to grab my pills and I took the first one. I grimaced at the pack because I'm so anti pill. When I got home I happened to fall upon this article talking about how the pill has been shown to lower AMH and reduce ovary size. For normal women, they bounce back after 6 months to a year, for those with POI or POF, it's fertility suicide. I feel a bit miffed I'm taking the pill that could have in part led to my troubles to save my family. I keep telling myself it's for three weeks. Three weeks.

While we were there we had our medical records printed out to give to our clinic to proceed.

My mind is spinning. Such a long road it's been and now it's all happening at once. For each question that is answered about five more pop up and my coordinator seems so dismissive and short. It's frustrating. I get it's business for them day in day out, but I've never done this.

Looking at our calendar, my parents will be here for one of my appointments, and I've a feeling my mom will LOVE to come and put eyes on everything that is going on. Our transfer is the 16th. My original due date for my son was the 18th and he had a birthday on the 22nd so I could actually test that day and maybe get a result. To test and risk disappointment for his birthday or give him the grandest present...to be determined.

Well, that is my long update on how things are proceeding. I keep telling myself to keep the faith transferring one. My body snagged the embryo last time and I wasn't taking nearly as good care of myself as I am now. I'll be doing castor oil packs and steams up to transfer as well as acupuncture and herbs. My body should be primed to latch on. Right? Right??

God bless!

Yoni Steam or "V Steam"

July 1, 2015

Well, it's been a while since I posted because I really had no new info. I spotted for a good 11 days which I'm starting to think is my "period." I spotted 10 days last time and both occurred at 45 day intervals. My gut tells me I'm just not building up enough endometrial lining to have a proper "bleed."

I know many of you will think I'm just plain batty, but hear me out. A while back in a mommy group someone posted a link of Gwyneth Paltrow and how they thought she was off her rocker for getting a V-steam. (Exactly what it sounds like folks, a vagina steam.) There was one girl who'd tried it...more about her later. As I looked more into it...it made sense to me. Maybe it's because of all the TCM, acupuncture and Eastern medicine alternatives I've been living in accordance to, but encouraging adequate blood flow down there is integral to reproductive health.

I saw the post, saw the horrified reaction to it and kind of forgot about it. Fast forward a few months. I was at a birthday party and a fellow mom asked me how my infertility issues were going. She had seen my post during National Infertility Week and messaged me privately about having to grab a cup of coffee...we needed to talk. I told her, kind of same old same old. Well, listen to this, she said.

She had been trying for several years to conceive her son. Her doctor finally ran labs on her and her FSH came back at 33. For all us POF ladies, we know what that means. POI / POF diagnosis was imminent. She scheduled a consult with a fertility doctor, but there was a three month wait so she continued her acupuncture and TCM and heard about this crazy thing called a Yoni Steam. She decided to give it a whirl...couldn't hurt. So, she went to a little spa in Korea Town and had a vagina steam. Low and behold, she conceived that cycle. Two years go by and she is trying for number two. Knows it's near impossible but thought, eh, I'll have it done again, see if it works. Has it done, and PRESTO! Now, that can be purely coincidental I know, but she told me as crazy as it sounds, seriously just try it.

So, I thought back to that thread on Facebook, searched it, found the girl who'd tried it and messaged her. She looked back through her emails to when she tried it and found out it was the month before she'd conceived her son. She says she has no clue if THAT is what did it, but the timing was uncanny.

I talked to my husband about it, expecting he'd be horrified and in stride he just said, "Do it. It can't hurt." And, he's right. I priced out two spas that do it in town and prices range from $60-$90 for a V-steam. The gal on Facebook did it herself so I started looking into that. I was worried where I'd get the proper herbs, until I ran across the site Vibrant Souls. This site not only had amazing info on the Yoni Steam (more pleasant and anatomically correct than V-steam) but also had the herbs for sale and very reasonably priced.

For $15 you get three steams and if you sign up for their monthly membership it has free shipping and their guided meditation. My friend who did it at home said she paid $5 for the herbs in store, so the price was identical, but Vibrant Souls uses all organic certified herbs in the amounts that are correct. I figure why not.

I contacted the owner and asked if I could get a sample to review for you and she's popping it in the mail. I'm really hoping I love it and I plan to sign up for the monthly membership. I figure one acupuncture session is $40 and I go twice a month. If a Yoni Steam promotes blood flow and health down there, that's a fraction of the cost to steam three times a month. Whether it miraculously causes a spontaneous pregnancy, or just prepares my womb to carry for our embryo adoption, it's a win win.

As soon as it arrives and I'm able to give it a try, I will definitely let you know how it goes and what I think. I'm really excited to try it. I've tried all other holistic routes and after seeing how beneficial they've all been, I can't help but think, as crazy as it sounds to someone not rooted in holistic treatment, that I see the vast possibilities in it.

I'll write more about it and how it benefits when I post my review.

In other news, I'm off to the chiropractor in a few minutes to get cracked before boarding a plane for a nice lengthy vacation with my son. I'm trying to fit in TCM on Friday before I go as well. I know I should probably have a nice acupuncture session and get stocked on herbs.

EA is still on stand still. I knew we wouldn't hear anything until August, but I catch myself getting nervous and excited. I started an online course in epigenetics. It's way way way above my head because it talks about all the DNA coding and how and why it varies. My interest is more in the EA aspects of how epigenetics would apply to embryo adoption and the mother carrying the baby. I was told by the instructor later lectures would be more applicable, but it was important to know the science behind it.

I feel like I'm in a Charlie Brown world with the teacher going "wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa." Thankfully, I'm doing it for knowledge, not accreditation. I can kind of pick and chose what I pay attention to. There is also a great documentary on it on youtube. Although that one covers the science of it in the beginning, it is in layman's terms ;) They get more into the EA aspects toward the end.

In a nut shell. Everyone has genetic coding, but there are things that "turn off" certain genes and "turn" others on. Although an embryo may have coding for blue eyes, they could be light or dark depending on what "turns" on that gene. So, a genetic sibling to a baby I carry may have light blue eyes and my baby have dark blue eyes because that is what I have. Same with hair, personality traits, medical issues. All very fascinating.

They are finding that for people outside EA, it is incredibly applicable that how your great grandmother ate may affect your medical issues now. Something I thought interesting in terms of POF. I personally feel that as generations from us are born we will see some adverse effects from the toxins in our environment, food and medicines. I'm excited more research in the field is being done. Diseases like Alzheimers and Diabetees they are finding may be fueled by epigenetic factors.

Any who, I went off on a nerd tangent.

As always, keep the Faith and God Bless!

·         Tap

Back to TCM

May 14, 2015

Well, today was back to TCM. My female half of the dynamic duo was back from China, and sadly, rather depressed. I think the full gravity of her father's passing has really hit her. She teared up several times during our session.

My pulses I gather were a bit weak today. She knew right off the bat I was dealing with some emotional things. They diagnosed it as depression. I know what that means for them. Stress, emotions, etc. They told me to "relax relax relax." That seems to be the motto that surrounds me whenever I visit. She did say my tongue looked good, so I guess my body overall is doing better.

I talked to them about my osteopenia diagnosis, low estrogen and trouble sleeping and asked them to brew help for all of the above into my magical herb concoction. My male TCM explained to me that they are really trying to fortify my kidney channel which would help all of the above. The kidney channel controls the ovaries, which control the estrogen, which controls the calcium in my bones. And all of the above help sleep.

Give me an extra dose of that, please.

During my acupuncture they put on a new music mix, which, apparently was suppose to be calming and therapeutic and it could not have been further from it. It was like a combo of Chinese music and an Irish jig. I laid there eyes wide open trying to stop my feet from doing the Riverdance on the table. When she came in to adjust my needles I tried to ask her to change it, but she didn't understand me and left. Ah well. I did mention to him when I was done that I prefer the other music. This one just made me want to dance.

I'm back tracking here to my chiropractor appointment this last Monday. I told him also about the osteopenia and he said he was glad I told him but was concerned if they were putting me on any medications. I told him no that I wanted to treat holistically, bracing myself for any backlash and he gave me the thumbs up and said "good for you. That stuff is nasty. Like, really bad for you."

I've been exploring how to raise my estrogen again. I've been doing more research on phytoestrogens. Although I'm still avoiding soy because it can wreak havoc on normal hormonal function, I'm trying to introduce a few phytoestrogens to see if a higher "estrogen" level in my body can help prevent osteoperosis and consequently lower my FSH enough to let me body take over hormone production.

Some of the phytoestrogen I've been using I believe has helped improve my estradiol levels. In my opinion, the shatavari root helps as well as some of the essential ols.

I feel like this is all a wait and see thing. Some will work. Some won't. And, it's important to remember that everybody's body chemistry is different so what works for me may not work for you.

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday and it feels a little bitter sweet to me. All the hub bub about fertility declining after 35 and throw on top of it I'm technically already post menopausal and it makes me feel like it's a lost cause...and then I regroup and say "Screw it. I reject the stupid diagnosis."

I guess what it all comes down to is faith. I was talking to my friend the other night (who just adopted the embryos) and she was asking me about our plans. I told her I just didn't know. I've been praying so hard for a clear definite sign and I've felt like my faith was lacking I hadn't gotten it yet. I said I was in awe, and a bit jealous how her signs were, quite literally, undeniable.

She said something that was so reassuring to me. She said sometimes you just need to start moving ahead and that your feelings are the best indication of God speaking in your life. If we start training for fost adopt and we get that feeling in our gut it isn't right, it isn't. Or if we start the adoption process with embryos and have that sinking feeling, it isn't right. If we start either and we feel excited...Bingo.

I told her my fear pursuing anything right now is that I've put so much faith in God that I will be healed or miraculously get pregnant, that I feel like I'm saying I've lost my faith if I pursue either option. She made me feel better about it not admitting defeat or losing faith. She made a good point that we could go ahead with either and still conceive. It will never be an "end of the road" situation.

I do feel that we've a lot of wonderful options and I'm excited and really scared to explore them. I know and trust our child will find his or her way into our family. Perhaps God had bigger plans than I intended and I need to graciously accept the journey. And, by that, I mean all the things I've learned about valuing my son even more, my relationship with my husband and family, living every day as healthy as I can, as full as I can and finding a closer relationship to God.

I suppose I've rambled long enough.

God Bless!

Heart Fire, Healing and Health

April 25, 2015

Well, my labs are rolling in and so far no surprises. The things I knew were high, iron and FSH, are high. The thing I knew was low, estrogen, is low. There are a few on the cusp or too high or too low, but most are smack dab in the middle. My vitamin D is on the low end of normal so I think she'll suggest a higher dose.

It was back to my TCM today for acupuncture and a reload of herbs. I brought up the osteopenia and he said he'd add some herbs for that, but it all ties into my kidney channel. The kidney channel controls bone, which is what also controls reproduction. Makes sense. It controls ovaries which control estradiol production which controls how bones absorb calcium.

He also said after looking at my tongue, that the tip was red which meant heart fire. He asked if I'd been emotional. Why yes, yes I have. He also asked if I'd had a bit of dizziness of nausea. Why yes, yes I have. I'd actually written about it a week or so ago wondering if it was one of the oils I was using.

He said it's called heart fire because ancient Chinese thought he heart controlled emotion, much like we did too. When you're sad, you are heartbroken. Same thing. It has nothing to do the with heart organ itself, but the emotions. He said he'd add some things to my herbs to calm my emotions.

When he did the acupuncture, he explained to me the fire spots that go from the tip of your middle finger to the inner arm near the elbow. They are the line of fire. The tip of your finger is wood, in the palm is fire, on the wrist is earth, near it metal and up your warm water. He put needles in the earth (ash) and water position to poor water on my emotions and depression so there was ash. Basically, to get rid of it. Pretty cool.

As long as I'm paying for this, I'm having him take care of everything. I was a bit like a porcupine today with 44 needles ranging from fertility, to depression to carpal tunnel. Those carpal tunnel ones are killers. They send shock waves up your whole hand right up your finger. I have to say I despise those ones, but I haven't been having pain anymore so I trust they are working.

He also explained to me that when my other doctor returns from China next week that her needles where too high on my abdomen. They should be one inch above my pubic bone. Apparently she was too shy to pull my pants down far enough.

When they both feel I'm ready they will do the "pregnancy hold" acupuncture which is apparently just five needles. One in the stomach, two on the calves (I think that's where he pointed) and two in the ankle. He said right now they are busy increasing energy all over, but when I'm strong enough, that will really zero in on that one area and it is powerful.

Honestly, I find TCM fascinating. It really is incredible how the whole body ties into itself. It seems rather obvious, but when you think how one small things sets off a chain reaction. Amazing.

He did ask how my temp was and I had to admit I haven't been temping. He said a mental break was good for my emotional well being, but I get the sense he'd like me to start again at some point. I will. For now, the break is good.

As I write this I'm busy doing my oil pulling. Not as bad as when I first started. I do need to start with my castor oil packs again at some point. It's really quite relaxing, I just need to get into my rythym. My husband has been traveling and between working full time, taking care of my son and keeping things moving on the acting front, I just haven't had the time. I need to change that.

My mother in law called the other day saying her sister, a nurse on a maternity ward, tracked down an OBYN at a conference who knew about POF. This doctor was adamant that the first thing I should have been tested for was celiac. That they are finding major ties between it and POF and infertility in general. I emailed my OB, who I think took a bit of offense because she instructed me to contact my regular doctor very curtly. I figure they've been testing me for everything else, one more test can't hurt.

It's not surprising really. The wheat in this country is appalling. It's nothing like the ancient wheat our ancestors use to eat. It's even harvested too early (for higher profit) making the chemical make up completely different. Makes me shudder, our food industry.

I know a lot of blood tests for celiac come up false negative and the biopsy is the only way to tell, but regardless my result (if they allow it) I may give it up for a while to see how it impacts me. A lot of women in the infertility forum have had tremendous improvement once kicking gluten. Makes me wonder...

I'm attending an essential oil event. I also want a new Zyto scan. Remember, my last one said heart (emotional) health was impaired and inner child (emotional conflict from past.) I'm curious in light on what my TCM said, what it is now.

I've also really delved back into the word. There was a passage in Nerida's book (who you know I love) that said to stop saying you have the condition you have. Your tongue is a powerful sword and what you say is, IS. So, I've been talking to my body every morning and every night. "Body, you work perfectly. Body, you are healed. Ovaries, you have plentiful eggs that are growing. Body, you hormones are the correct levels. Body, you are in line with what God said, that you should be fruitful and multiply." May sound silly, but I believe the spoken word and the mind are powerful.

God Bless.

CD3 Results

March 26, 2015

Well, my results for my FSH and estradiol are in. Drum. Roll. Please.

Meh, forget it. It was more of a trip over a drum set, crash, scenario.

Well, my FSH actually went up a bit from 48 to 55.7. Both are way way waaaaay down from my original diagnosis reading of 136, so grateful, I suppose.

Last night, it all came to a head. I was a sobbing mess. Why why why? I eat well. I take care of myself. I don't use toxins. Was it because I was sick last week? Didn't sleep well the night before? Have been stressed? Because I had a long anovulatory cycle? And on and on and on. It just seemed so bloody unfair. My poor husband came home from a work trip and was met with me. He asked did I want to talk about it and all I could respond is "there's nothing to say. I'm sad. I'm mad. I've had it."

But, then I expounded. It wasn't fair. To me. To our son. To him. He got saddled with a broken old woman. At which point, I crumbled. Completely. Thankfully, I've a very supportive and encouraging husband who teared up immediately and said to NEVER, EVER say that again.

Basically, that was the first time I just let it all spill how incredibly guilty I feel for putting him and our family through this. I KNOW it's not my fault. I KNOW. It's hard to stop FEELING though.

The crazy thing is, I feel the same I did health wise as when I conceived our son. We got to talking that maybe this is something I've had the whole time. I went back through my old charts TTC our son. I had night sweats then as well. When they say every child is a miracle, I believe it, but in our case, he may be a miracle ten fold. I won't ever let go of God's healing hand blessing us again. I won't. I did feel though a wave of gratitude how lucky we are.

I also had a good cry about being so hard on myself for feeling guilty that I'm upset and angry. We are so blessed. We've a house. Food. Family. Other than this little debacle, our health. It felt good to just let it out, and boy, was I exhausted.

I woke up refreshed (thanks to my son sleeping in) and to my estradiol lab. That one came in lower than last time at 40. Which, is actually good news. Basically CD3 estradiol should be between 25-75, the higher the number the more indicative it is of diminished reserve. For IVF purposes I know, they like to see a lower number. My number of 40 was not only normal, but almost exactly where medically speaking it should be.

My number before of 89, which a whole lot better than ZERO, was considered high and most likely suppressing my FSH. So, my true FSH at that point, may be closer to what it read this time at 55.7.

What does all this mean? Well, I think Weds. appointment with the fertility specialist will be much more indicative of what is up with me once we can see my ovaries, follicles, lining, etc, but for now it tells me that my ovaries are working too hard still.

I panicked last night wondering if HRT was a necessity as I read over the list of what POF causes...heart attack, osteoporosis, increased risk of cancers, stroke, dementia, vaginal atrophy...and on and on. The dementia really gets me. My grandma died of Alzheimers and I know I'm at increased risk. The earlier you go through menopause, the higher your risk.

What my labs showed though was my estrogen was actually right where it should be. It may not have the same surges as a "younger" woman hormonally speaking because not as many follicles mature (each maturing follicle makes your estrogen surge to about 200 higher) but it's in a healthy level. So despite my higher labs for FSH, my estrogen in on point where HRT would put it anyway.

I feel like if I look at myself as a whole (not just fertility wise) and can keep my estrogen, calcium and vitamin D in check, there still is no need for HRT. After 15 years of taking birth control pills I don't know why I'm so resistant. I think because I partly blame them for my issues. Every drug I've taken, I've had such an exaggerated reaction. In high school when I got my wisdom teeth out they couldn't wake me from the pain killer and I spent hours throwing up and passing back out. When I was induced, the drug I was suppose to get every four hours was so strong eight hours later they still refused the second dose. When they put me on pit I contracted so long and hard they thought my uterus would rupture. I just can't help but feel my body is incredibly sensitive to drugs and they reek havoc on my system.

Anyway, thought I'd update you all. So, my labs for all intents and purposes are the same. My FSH is still around the same so not worse, definitely not better, but my estrogen is healthy.

I went to my TCM today for acupuncture because I'm actually filming Saturday when my original appointment was scheduled. He was excited I'd gotten my period.

During acupuncture he did the same fertility points, stuck with the depression points again as well and then I asked him to do some carpal tunnel points since I work so long at the computer and I've been having lingering pain. It's hard to get to sleep at night. I had to chuckle when he put them in my head. He again told me how good he was...most times those needles really hurt people but he's so gentle I barely felt it.

I almost did start laughing out loud when he was doing the points on my abdomen. The two points really hurt. It just so happens it's right, I mean RIGHT over my private parts so my pants are tucked down really far. He just blurted out "I'm nervous."

Nervous?? To do acupuncture? Yes, he said, so close to your privates. I don't want to touch it. I couldn't help but laugh. He is a doctor after all so I've never put much thought to it, but perhaps that is why my female doctor typically does the fertility stuff. She's still in China.

My pulse was much better after the session. He said the Qi may have been a little low today because I am still menstruating. The good thing is my period has been a good length. It started a bit "scanty" as they like to call it, or light, but picked up a bit. Not a heavy flow, but a consistent, red flow. There was a bit darker color, but I think from the long anovulatory cycle. He also loaded me up on herbs.

I'm really praying if I should continue this.

I did order my essential oils and will be happy to start using more of them. I think the clary sage has been helping. I've also been making sure to eat more fats which I think can only help overall.

After Weds I think I will be more in tune with my body, but I spent all night and day really trying to feel God's presence. I feel like I'm at a point where I can "give up" my efforts and trust God. I hope, pray and do believe I will conceive, but I also feel like I need to open myself that our child will come however he or she comes. I seek so hard for the answers to fertility, or how to make fostering or adoption or embryo adoption work and I need to find a calm and really allow God to PRESENT it to me. I don't know how that will happen. At times I don't believe it can, but I need to push that behind me and trust it will.

Last night all I wanted to do is scream "Why God" are you allowing this, but I know the answer. GOD isn't. God empowers me to DEAL with it. Satan, the devil, however you want to call it, is in charge of evil, sickness, death, despair. So sorry to get all biblical on you, but "Get thee behind me Satan." I'll have no part of it.

I've a renewed peace today. I've had a few moments of tears, but I'll come out ahead.

God Bless.

Bonds of Infertility

March 20, 2014

I feel like I've so much to update on. I got so busy I wasn't able to set any time aside. Forgive my rambling nature this post. I feel scattered today.

First off, instead of going to my TCM tomorrow, I went last week. My mom was in town and wanted to try acupuncture. She has a few issues with gallbladder, her upper arm had been bothering her and has tendinitis, so a ringing in her ears. She also had one nasty cold. She'd been complaining of a bit of nausea between the drainage from the cold and the pressure in her ears from flying. Best yet, my acupuncture session would be her treat.

*insert wheels peeling out of the drive*

Her treat. Yes Ma'm!

When we arrived my doctor was there to take her pulse and ask a few questions and then she went in to get poked. I asked if they'd mind my watching since I'd never actually seen it done before. Before he even started he reviewed her list of complaints. When she described the pain in her back wrapping around to the front he said "gallbladder." Apparently, that is what she'd thought it was, but her doctors said no. He, however, sat her down and pressed one pressure point on her leg. "This hurt?" It sure did! He told her that it was because that was the gallbladder point. So, she may have a few issues there afterall.

It was interesting to watch. He had such a gentle touch. He just kind of flicks the needle in. I was pretty astounded though, how far he pushed some in. I stood watching trying not to let my eyes bulge for fear my mom would react when he twisted those suckers in. "Sensitive? Does it hurt," he asked. "No." He actually gave a surprised look and went along his way flicking and pushing. He dimmed the light, set the music and we went along to do my session.

About halfway through my session I heard my mom call him from the other room, then it got quiet. He came in to check on me and adjust my needles and I asked how my mom was. "She's done." Wow, quick! "She threw up!"

"What?? Is she ok??"

"Now she is." Chuckle.

Me - groan. Poor mom!

Turns out the nausea she was battling got too much to handle when the needles opened up her energy channels. She did however say the ringing in her ears wasn't as loud and her back and shoulder felt a bit better. I hope I didn't scar her on the idea of acupuncture.

After my session he said my pulse was very good. "Very good, as in, very good for anybody? Or, very good for me?"

"Anybody. Strong. Very strong." He started going whoosh whoosh whoosh, strong! My left side was a bit weaker though so my blood needed more nourishment.

I also received my clary sage essential oil. I started putting a drop on each sole of my foot every night, but after three or four nights of not being able to sleep, I wondered if it was the oil. It's suppose to be calming, but apparently, on me, not so much. I've started putting it on my feet in the mornings with a carrier oil and it's helped. I sleep better at night. I've only been doing it for a week or so, so I don't now the effects yet. Fingers crossed.

A few things recently that really resonated. This morning, my son loves to see the garbage truck. Trash was running late, so we were killing time. It got much too late and I had to bring him into daycare so I could get some work done. As I was leaving I ran into a fellow mom who is scheduled for a C-section next week. I rarely see her because I drop off earlier. We got to chatting and she was getting so emotional talking about how difficult this pregnancy had done and how her little girl was a fighter, that I of course got emotional with her and started crying too. She asked if I planned to have more kids, and already in tears from talking to her, I broke down. I spilled our whole journey with her in the parking lot.

She wrapped me in a hug and said "Don't give up. Please don't give up. I never thought I'd get pregnant. I tried for four years to have our son. I exhausted every avenue. Like you, I did acupuncture, herbs, all the fertility treatments. My friends raised money for us to do an IVF. They started me on the medication to stop all my hormones, essentially shut my system down before restarting it to prepare for the cycle. The doctor called me and told me to sit down. They had no idea how it was even possible since they'd stopped all hormone production, but I was pregnant. We thought it was impossible to get pregnant this time around, and although we weren't preventing, we weren't trying. I said the words aloud to my husband, 'If I'm not pregnant by my 42nd birthday, we are going to start preventing to so I don't risk passing on any genetic abnormalities' and I was pregnant within weeks of vocalizing it. I feel like someone heard."

Infertility, and fertility struggles are really the pits, but one thing I've learned is there is nothing that forms a greater, tighter or more intimate bond with people who are essentially strangers than the bonds of infertility. I imagine those bonds feel much the same for cancer survivors. I found that same tight bond with other mothers when I had my son. Within struggle, there are so many wonderful, gracious and supportive people. I was so humbled to have spoken with her this morning on such a more intimate level than our casual "Hi, How are you" exchanges.

As a matter of fact, while writing this, she just text me. She had called her old fertility doctor and asked her about my issues. She said she'd be willing to see me, which she is. She closed with the text "If there is anything else, let me know. I'd be willing to go and hold your hand if it would help."

Tears. What a beautiful thing to offer.

The crazy thing is, it's the same clinic my friend went to for her IVF and the one she is scheduled at for her embryo transfer. Small world. Living in Los Angeles, there are hundreds of fertility clinics and the two women who have referred me, said to go to the same one. I'm starting to feel like I want to talk to one. I may contact them to see what labs they need so next CD3 I can have my OBGYN order them. This way, the labs will be covered by insurance, even if the consult at a fertility specialist isn't.

The other thing that struck me today was a woman in the Mothers with POI/POF group posted about how she's always been extremely thin. She gained 6 lbs at the prompting of her family and found her cycles resumed, but she felt fat so she lost the weight again and all her POF symptoms returned. I really think a lot of infertility issues have to do with weight. I know when I was diagnosed I was I believe 96 lbs which is gaunt, so extremely thin.

I will be honest that I have struggled with body image in the past. In high school I did, as well as the profession I'm in (acting) there is a pressure to be rail thin. The camera adds pounds, so everyone always wants to avoid extra weight gain. The last year or so, I can honestly say I've let go of that. I feel like I'm more secure in who I am. The reality is, this industry needs people of all sizes. As I age more, I feel ok being a bit heavier (and I know I'm not heavy, I mean carrying more weight than I use to) because I know it's better for me. I've more energy, my body works healthier, my hair has been growing in thicker, my skin is clear. My focus has been on getting healthy, and it's been liberating to let go of my inhibition.

When I conceived my son (before diagnosis) I was heavier than I had been, it being just after Christmas when I'd put on some weight and was 105. I noticed when I fall back to around 100, my cycles get more erratic than when I'm closer to that 104/105 mark. I've been consciously trying to add more fats to my diet. I think my adding coconut oil to my smoothies (something I knew to do, but never remembered until another mom in that group reminded me by posting her smoothie with coconut oil) helps me get those good fats into my diet.

I've no real update for this cycle. I'm CD 62 and I don't think I've ovulated. I will say I took an HPT on Monday and it was stark white, so that is great. That means my LH and HCG aren't inflated from POF. I've felt great too. I really feel like although this is a long cycle, there will be a strong ovulation.

As always, God bless!

Today WAS a Brighter Day

Feb. 21, 2015

Today WAS a brighter day. I really was struggling. I'm in better spirits now and we've a lot to catch up on!

I'll chat about today and then backtrack. Today was my TCM appointment. My female doctor was in China visiting her mom. A bit off topic, but she went back to China to tell her mom that her dad had passed while here in the US. Obviously, there is a generational and cultural gap because I know for a fact my mom would have some choice words for me if I didn't mention her husband had passed away several months previous. For them, this was the best decision, and I can imagine this has been a very difficult and emotional trip for her.

Back on topic, her husband, my other doctor treated me today. He took my pulse per usual and said it was pretty good. In his words, that means good. He's usually more of the pessimist of the two ;) I'd called him yesterday wanting to know if I should come because I believe I ovulated. I always have that nagging fear that IF I did ovulate and an egg was fertilized I don't want to disrupt the flow down there for implantation and the babe to grow. He assured me it was best to come in.

When I got there today, I asked specifics. I know when my friend got IVF, they said no acupuncture after transfer. He told me that her and I were completely different cases. That ONCE I got an official positive they would discontinue acupuncture, but for now, they were signalling my body to "catch" the egg. He told me the no-no spots that would cause miscarriage (in between your thumb and forefinger, and on your shoulder between your neck and shoulder bone.)

As he started doing the acupuncture, I noticed a different touch. She basically taps it in. He, especially on my head was very heavy handed. It didn't hurt necessarily, but it felt much deeper. I asked about specific spots today since he is fluent in English. The spots of my thumb and ring finger are to catch pregnancy and should be switched every week. If the left thumb and right ring finger are done, you swap it the following session. The spots on my head were for Qi. These were the ones he really skewered in there, and later told me is his specialty. The head is his forte. He told me a man was in there last week and he'd put a needle 3" in to assist in restoring his hearing. Say what?? <--- get it. (ah haha, attempt at pathetic humor numero uno)

He did different spots than she normally does. Some were the same, but I noticed fewer spots on my abdomen and more on my legs. He did needles all the way down between my knee and heel on my calf and did an additional on my foot. Interestingly enough, I'd just messaged a friend that did DE IVF last night asking about her needle placement after transfer and she had specifically mentioned those areas.

As he was about to leave he asked about herbs and I said I had a bit of a head cold and should I not take them this week. He said, I should take them, but he'd adjust the mix to help my sinuses. He asked if there was anything else he should know and I mentioned my back was really hurting. I don't know if I need an adjustment, pulled a muscle, slept funny (we did drive to AZ and back, the back was 9 hrs, maybe I tweaked it) or what, but last night I could not fall asleep at all I was in such discomfort.

He said. "Back pain?" Came over, lifted my pant leg. Swabbed a point with alcohol and jabbed a needle REALLY far into my thigh. "All better." Ok...we shall see. I was rather skeptical of that one because it was just ONE needle and it still hurt.

About 45 minutes later he returned. My back still hurt a bit and I thought "Hmph, guess that didn't work." Bummer! BUT, as I was coming home, I noticed it hurt less. When I got home, I bent down to touch my toes and no pain left. UNREAL!! That little jab did the trick. I was amazed!

As he was pulling the needles out of my head, out of curiosity I asked him how far he'd put them in. Ya know, thinking a few millimeters...he showed me...about an inch! An inch!! Maybe just shy and my disbelief stretched it to an inch, but just about all the way up the pokey part of the needle. Where it went, I do now know. I mean, I've a skull in there. The only think I can think is that it goes in almost perpendicular and stretches beneath the surface? No clue. I need to get someone to take a picture. He did say the head was his specialty and all.

I had a chance to chat with him more in depth about his specialty and his wife's. She apparently really excels with herbs and his forte is acupuncture. They are both good at both, but those are really where their strengths lie. I got to ask him more about his life and he explained how he taught meditation (this I knew) but he went years without sleeping. He'd sit and meditate for six hours a night. I asked if that was healthy and he said if you do it deeply, it's more restful than sleep. He also told me about his days as a Kung Fu master and I'd the great pleasure of watching him do the praying mantis pose (with about 40 needles sticking in me of course!)

I head back there in two weeks for another acupuncture session and a refill on herbs. I'm only doing those every other day, but my body still seems to be progressing. I suppose that is good that my body is starting to work on it's own.

I'll backtrack to a few nights ago. I've talked a bit before about essential oils and how I'd like to learn more. A friend text me last minute she was going to an informal gathering for essential oils and would I like to go. It was a pizookie party (think of a huge gooey chocolate chip cooked in a mini pizza pan topped with ice cream.) Kind of hard to turn down ;)

While I was there, I started chatting with the woman about infertility. I was amazed at how much she knew about the mechanics of it and various fertility issues. She didn't know POF off hand, but was well schooled in how to treat differently for someone who is ovulating and how to encourage hormone production TO ovulate for someone who isn't. It actually isn't a bad deal to do the starter kit...11 oils, an atomizer and a few promotional goodies / extras for $150. Considering one oil is usually like $25, not bad at all. I'm waiting for my friend to get her referral line in place so she gets the moola.

They also had a Zyto machine. A what? It's basically a bio-feedback machine that is hooked to your laptop. It's a giant mouse that has metal strips along your palm and fingers and it shoots electrical impulses into your body. Where you are deficient is compiled in the end. I do believe in Bio-Feedback, but I don't know enough about this machine or brand to know if it's legit. I was bracing myself for hormones awry, but surprisingly, they weren't.

The woman taking it was a bit surprised. She said most people are really out of whack with at least 40 "points" out of the area they should be. I had 31 so I was pretty well balanced. Huh? Well, good if that's true. The read out had recommended four oils. I can only remember three. One was for my heart (which I think is perfectly healthy. My blood pressure is 92/62 which I just had checked last weekend at a health fair with my mother in law and my cholesterol is great.) She said it could also be heartbreak. I'm not broken, but I've had my fair share of a heavy heart throughout this whole process. Hm. Could be true.

The second was my kidney/bladder/liver was off. Interestingly enough, that is what the TCM treat me for. The kidney channel is tied to the reproductive channel in Chinese Medicine and the liver is where you store emotional baggage and stress.

The third oil was for my "inner child." She said something emotionally scarring may have happened in childhood that made me grow up and disconnect from those raw emotions. I can't say I'm scarred from anything, but I've always been a bit of an old soul / caretaker I suppose. She said it could have been later in life too. I guess this oil is used a lot for soldiers with PTSD.

Anyway, there is a recap of my eventful week or two. Emotionally, I feel better. I still struggle which I think is normal for everyone, but I've renewed faith. Physically, I feel good. No nasty symptoms. My sleep which was really rocky for a while has started to plateau again. I think I ovulated. My temps got really low with fertile signs and then shot up. I will admit I didn't temp today because my son woke at 4 am. My cervix however still feels soft, high and open so I won't be shocked if they drop again and my body tries to reboot. I do have a feeling though that my ovaries kicked one out.

And, full disclosure, I did take a pregnancy test today. It'd be way to early to tell if I had ovulated if I was pregnant, but since I was on day CD34, I always test to be sure before an acupuncture session. It was a faint positive again, which kind of made me sad thinking my hormones could be getting wacky for a bit, but my body has a way of rebounding more quickly now.

On a quick side note, I've talked before about being a member of a few online support groups. It seems a bit surreal to find such friends and comfort online when you've never met, but I've resolved myself that that is what it is today. If I hadn't found those groups, I would not know another soul with my condition or learn how they've dealt with it from a medical stand point, emotional stand point, or a practical stand point. In these groups, I always feel a bit lost at times because I DO have a child. A lot of these women do not. I have to sensor myself a bit. I'm thrilled to announce now that there is a support group for MOMMIES WITH POF/POI.

It's nice to be able to talk openly about the heartache of wanting another child to complete your family or a brother or sister for your little one without being hushed quickly by "at least you have one. Quit complaining." Every time I saw someone shushed by those words in the group I was in I had a heavy heart. I understand that viewpoint, but it also is hurtful to the person you are saying it to. Minimizing another person's pain or grief just plain hurts. So, if you are a mommy with POF, please find us on Facebook.

It is a closed group which means you have to request to join. No one will see what you write, however if you publicize your groups, people can see you are in it. If you want to join privately, hover your mouse over the upper right of the group section on your Facebook homepage. Click "hide" or make it just so you can see it. It's a small, wonderful group of supportive mommies. Some have had babies through DE IVF, others EA, some naturally and some adopted. Please be respectful of everyone's privacy.

There are also support groups for POF and POI in general on Facebook here and here. If you want to learn more about DE (donor egg) IVF with POF or POI or EA (embryo adoption) with POF or POI, you can request to join that private group (you cannot search it) through one of the above groups.

Today we are on our way to celebrate the first birthday of our friends baby. They struggled 11 years (!!) with infertility. Numerous IUI's and two failed IVF's only to get pregnant on their own with no intervention. (I will tell you they did an all organic fertility juice cleanse and got pregnant two weeks later...) It just goes to show though, never give up hope. Your miracle could be just around the corner!

Well, as always, God be with you and comforting you through this journey. 

Excellent TCM Appointment

Jan. 31, 2014

Great news today. The second my TCM doctor took my pulse she looked up surprised and started saying "hung how hung how." Translation? Very good very good!

Yay! I blurted out "I like the sound of that!" I told her I'd gotten my period the day after my last appointment. They asked the color, if clots, duration and if the flow was normal. Red, no, four days with two spotting, normal. She was thrilled.

After my session, she took my pulse again and was visibly excited. She started talking a mile a minute in Chinese. I kept looking between her and her husband hoping for a translation. He just burst out laughing and said "She's so excited. Very happy! She's flushed. Hot!" Apparently, she was getting so pumped she had to take off her sweater.

All in all. Great appointment. She leaves for China for a few months on the 10th so they want me to fit in one last appointment with her next Saturday. I was going to try switching to every other week, but I want one good last acupuncture session before she leaves. Her husband will continue to do my sessions and herbs while she's gone, but I think I will definitely switch to every other week at that point. Mainly, for financial reasons, but secondly, it's not his expertise. He's a brilliant TCM and I trust completely capable and competent with fertility issues, but a good time for me to switch. I'm already down to herbs every other day.

If this all wasn't so darn expensive, but like my husband says, it's working. As I was choking down my herbs he told me to "slam it down! They're working!" Thanks, sweetie!

Until next week, I keep doing to same old same old.

Something else I've been thinking about. I remember my friend telling me (before I was diagnosed) that she just felt awful because I was ALWAYS sick. Like constantly. I wasn't sleeping and any bug my son got...so did I. It dawned on my I've been remarkably healthy. I think I got two colds and a UTI the later part of last year. My son was out of school for throwing up, fevers, and had numerous colds. I've avoided all of it. Just goes to show you when you are stronger overall, how much better your immune system is. Pretty amazing!

God is in control. Always.

Cycle Day 1 has arrived

Jan. 18, 2015

Well, my "anniversary" came and went. To be honest, I had moments where I was struggling that day, and yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster. I was just plain irritable. Come to find out, it was PMS. I woke up with shooting cramps at 4 am and my period had started. I was surprised at how bad I cramped all day today.

The crazy thing is, I'd gone to my TCM yesterday morning and she knew I'd start. How? I was sensitive as all get out. I wasn't too sensitive on most areas, but on the point lowest below my naval closest to my pelvic, it was like she'd stabbed me. I also had pretty bad pain over my right ovary. My guess is that is the one I'd ovulated from. I started cramping during my session. She told me that because I was hurting so much in those locations I'd most likely start menstruating within a day or two. She was right!

My pulses were good after my session. I think she was busy, so I got an extra long session. I actually thought she'd forgotten about me. An hour went by and I was still lying there with needles poking out and starting to get a wee too warm under the heat lamp over my pelvis.

A breakdown of this cycle. 33 days long. Ovulation on day 19 and a whopping 14 day luteal phase as long as I ovulated when I think I did. That's great news!

I did email my doctor today. Last time she ran labs it was midcycle and the nurse had said she'd intended to do them and an office visit for a 6 month checkup. Problem was, I hadn't had a cycle to speak of for so long, we just went with my first bleed, which was only spotting and turned out to be most likely ovulation spotting as I started my period two weeks later.

I'm not sure if she'll want to see me or not. I could go either way. It'd be nice to have an accurate read of my hormones, but I also like just trusting I'm healing. I'll keep you posted.

From here, I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing. I'm skipping acupuncture next week because I'm auditioning for a play. It'd be my first time back on stage in 12 years if I get it. But, that's getting ahead of myself. I'm not sure if skipping is good or bad, but I'm really starting to just go with the flow. My herbs run out in a few days so I'll be without for over a week. I'm fine with it. Last month I ran out for a good week too. I'm starting to trust and have more confidence my body is regaining it's strength on it's own. I'm just prodding it along.

I'll start my castor oil packs and pre-O routine again soon. I'm waiting until my heavy bleeding is done though because castor oil can make the flow heavier. I really think that's helped. The last two solid periods I've had have been during the months I was vigilant with my packs until ovulation.

I just have to say my heart is heavy this evening. Someone I know lost his wife tonight from sarcoma cancer. She was such a woman of faith and did video updates, up until two days ago offering strength to all those fighting cancer. I journeyed with them over Facebook and have been faithful in my prayer over her, him and her family. I never met this woman, but I burst into tears to hear of her passing. It really puts into perspective how short our time here on earth is and how much we can chose to impact people in a positive or negative way. May we all chose to be a light to those that surround us.

God bless you through your healing and God be with you always.

Happy New Year

Jan. 6, 2015

Happy New Year!

I feel like I've been away so long from writing, but it was a nice break. It was a great time with family and not "stressing" or over-thinking fertility issues.

Where to start... Well, I'm feeling good. I went down to every other day herbs and I think that's working for me. I had my supplements carefully sorted so I continued those during my vacation. I did cheat and took a few OPK's to see where my hormones were and I did get a few positives. It was timed around other fertile signs (cm and cervix) but I stopped taking them so I'm not sure what the follow through was. I wouldn't know without my thermometer anyway. However, all fertile signs disappeared around the same time, so I'm hopeful :)

I did get an acupuncture session when I was back. Although, not exactly what you'd expect. My aunt took a certification course in acupuncture for the ear. If you look at an ear it bares an uncanny resemblance to a fetus. The theory is, there is a point in your ear for every area of your body.

She placed five needles in my ear all representing a different channel. You can see the spots above. The Shen Men is the spot I rub at night to relax and alleviate stress before bed.

I googled more about it, and here is an interesting article.

http://www.acupuncturetoday.com/abc/nadaprotocol.php

She also put on my ear a magnet that would help me mentally relax. She said it would stay about a week. When I'm started to feel stress I rub it gently. I snapped a picture. You can barely see it. Look closely, I circled the magnet under flesh colored tape. No one has noticed it so far.

My same Aunt who did my acupuncture also shared with me that a close friend also was diagnosed with POF. Her sisters were as well. She told me that this person had done DE IVF and offered if I ever wanted to talk to her, to let her know. Isn't it remarkable, I grew up knowing this women, and her children and never would have guessed her path.

I told my Aunt that if things don't happen naturally (but I'm certain they will) that we had discussed embryo adoption and I may take her up on her offer at a later juncture. This women also had one biological child before diagnosis. Amazing how many women suffer from fertility problems and just don't share. I'm guilty of it myself.

Other than that, back to acupuncture on Saturday. For now, I'm just using supplements and doing my yoga, meditation and prayer. I'll get fertility acupuncture and an updated dose of herbs on Saturday.

All in all though. Feeling good. I'm feeling strangely at peace with everything right now.

God Bless!

Acupuncture, Herbs and Healing

Nov. 21, 2014

Well, it was back to acupuncture yesterday. The good news, I was "huun how." Apparently, my translation before of "gun how" was incorrect. It's with an "H." I did however recognize "how" right off the bat!

As soon as she said it I started repeating it! "how? how? hun how?" They started laughing and she was nodding. "Yes, yes, good, stronger. Jayou!" Again, forgive my feeble attempt at phonetically translating Chinese.

My pulses were much stronger today. Yippee!! They were also pleased when I told them my period lasted 6 days and although lighter than the average Joe Schmo's flow, it was red, a consistent flow versus spotting and the heaviest it's been since Reed was born.

Win. Win.

We did acupuncture and my tenderest spot was directly over my left ovary. Last time my ovaries were tender it was my right, so I'm wondering if the ovary growing the dominant follicle each month will be more tender. I suppose we'll see as months go on (but I'm reeeeaaally hoping I get a positive before too many cycles elapse.)

It was chilly in the office today, but with the heat lamp over my abdomen, it heated up nicely in there and it was a very relaxing session. It was nice to just zone out for a bit. My pulses at the end were even stronger.

All in all, it was a good day. She said to keep on with the acupuncture and nourishing herbs. I've also been doing my castor oil packs and my femoral massages so I'm thinking that increase in circulation has been helpful.

Today is CD11 and I noticed a temp dip which coupled with a bit of fertile CM could mean my estrogen levels are rising (which builds the endometrial lining and ripens that egg!!) Fingers and toes crossed for a normal cycle!!

Back to Acu and Herbs

Oct. 24, 2014

This morning I woke up, and although I intended to take an HPT and OPK because I was heading in to acupuncture, I completely forgot. It's been nice not worrying about that stuff. I did take one with second morning urine before I left, and Hallelujah, Praise God, the HPT AND OPK WERE NEGATIVE!!! Why do I get so excited by that? It's been FIVE MONTHS (!!) since both were negative. That means great things for my hormones!

That was where my excitement ended for the day. I went in yesterday for an appointment with my TCM. I was a bit disheartened that although she said my pulses were ok, they were a bit weaker than my last visit. I feel though in context, I should rewind and give a brief overview of my week.

Without going into mind numbing detail, my husband almost lost his job this week so my stress level was a bit high to say the very least. Someone at work had falsely accused him of some things and while the "investigation" was underway, tensions were high in the household. That was resolved Weds evening.

Thursday was my appointment and it was honestly just one of those mornings where everything just was going wrong. It took me 25 minutes to get milk at the grocery store because of a faulty cash register. I was late getting on the road. Traffic was horrendous. I had a deadline to be home for my husband's workshop at school, and to top it off my TCM forgot about me. I called them and they hussled over, but my leisurely hour and a half appointment was reduced to 35 minutes.

When they read my pulse, I was frayed. As they started going on about how I should have my levels retested with the doctor because although I'm better than when I started, my channels will get stronger, than a bit weaker, than stronger, etc, but never up to perfect. Because it's been 9 months, they wanted to see the progress I'm making, I officially blurted out "Can my pulse be reading lower than it is from stress? I keep looking at the clock and I need to leave in 40 minutes."

Wide eyed they hussled me into the room and started poking me with needles as I frantically texted my husband to see if there was a workshop later in the afternoon he could take. Nope. Ugh.

She asked her questions and looked at my tongue while poking me.

To say I was trying desperately to hold back tears in an understatement. As soon as she walked out, they started pouring down my face. The gravity of what she said hit me. It's been nine months and they are feeling frustrated by lack of progress. She came back in to ask me how my appetite has been and I know she saw the tears. She didn't quite know what to say, and I felt like an idiot.

This session I kept repeating the mantra "I am healthy. I am healed" as I took deep breaths and reminding myself of some scripture passages that deal with fertility and fruitfulness. As it neared my 35 minutes, because that was all that time allowed, I was feeling a bit calmer about things. She came in to take my pulse and her eyes got wide, she gave me a smile and said "Better. Better. Good. It's good!"

We went back in the other room where I would pay and get my herbs and she told her husband, who translated to me that my pulse was a LOT stronger after my session. The circulation was much better and much stronger. They encouraged me to keep doing yoga and exercising to increase my circulation to get better blood flow to my reproductive organs, and I hustled out the door to fight traffic home with a new batch of herbs and to return next week for acupuncture.

The herbs this week are not pleasant. Sometimes it has a sweeter smell to it, but this batch smells more medicinal. It almost tastes like there is celery seed in there, but much stronger. Some batches are easier to swallow than others. This is not one of them.

I was feeling overly emotional and frustrated yesterday but I really took a moment to center myself yesterday. I feel good. I feel healthy. I've been praying and trusting and having faith this last month and it has brought me incredible peace and strength. Why was I letting my "natural" and "medical" circumstances doubt what I know to be true in my heart. I've put the negative feelings to the side and have decided to keep reminding myself and declaring to the universe, to God and everyone else that I am healed.

Last night, I started spotting. Just a tiny bit. I'm not entirely sure if that means my period is coming, or just breakthrough spotting again, but seeing my body "work" is such a wonderful thing.

In terms of my cycle, I still don't know what's happening. My temp today for instance was 97.18 at 4:10 am when I work, but I took it again at 6 am out of curiosity and it was 97.86. Make me wonder if my chart looks so erratic because the last week or so, some days I've been able to sleep until 5:15 or 5:30 which may inflate my temperatures more than I thought. If I use the BBT adjuster to allow for temping at different times, it isn't that wide a gap. My body just must run low until it hits a certain point in the morning.

So, nothing new to report really. I keep debating if I want to have the doctors run more tests. I know I don't want it midcycle because my LH and FSH will always look inflated then...they would with any woman. If I start my period, I may consider it on CD3, which is when all hormonal testing should be taken. But, in all honesty, I don't know if I want it. Will a medical measurement bring me peace or anxiety and stress? Part of me wants to just trust, know and believe that it will happen and not have any news that makes me doubt it. But, just hearing myself say that shows I must have doubt about what the numbers will present.

Anyway, I'm undecided. I see so many woman in these support groups agonize over their numbers and I can't imagine the stress being good.

God Bless!

Acu Success "Gun How"

Sept 28, 2014

Well, yesterday was my last acupuncture treatment until my TCM doctors get back from China. It was all good news!! She said my pulse was as strong when I arrived as it was AFTER my session last time.

And, after my session this time, they taught me a new word. Well, two new words. Forgive my obviously incorrect spelling, but phonetically, it's "Gun How" which means very good! Now that, THAT is something that's been a while coming.

Acupuncture yesterday was very, very tender. OUCH! It seemed every needle, except those in my head, were painful going in, painful as she came in to turn them (she usually does this three times during the session) and equally painful coming out. I also got bursts of pain throughout.

As she was putting them in, I kept wincing. "Hurt?"

Um, "yes!"

"Good. You sensitive."

I asked why that was good and she said "body might near menstruating or ovulate."

So,  a sensitive body is a good thing during this particular treatment I suppose. Makes sense.

I snapped a pic again of my abdomen. As you can see, she went a bit crazy with needles down the line from my naval. I'm thinking she REALLY wanted to send the energy down to get things moving!!

Afterwards, I was filled up on three weeks of herbs and told to eat more "nutrition." Like, veggies and fruit? Because I eat a lot. To which they responded "Meat. Fish." So...I need more proteins to gain a bit more weight.

Fish last night. Burgers today. Not much goes better with football, right? Go Lions!

Acupuncture, Cockroaches and Spiritual Reading

Sept. 19, 2014

Well, it was back to acupuncture yesterday. I arrived a couple minutes early and noticed a cockroach scurrying in the hallway. Before you get the heeby jeebies, it was not in my TCM's office. They share a building with a dentist office. They hadn't arrived yet, and I was sitting in the hallway that divides the two. I saw it was hurt and had a moment of, do I squish him and put him out of his misery or try and shoo him outside. Before I made my decision they arrived.

Why do I mention the cockroach? As my TCM was taking my pulse, her husband, who translates for me was sitting at the desk transfixed on this beast in the hallway. Out of the blue he started telling me about the cockroaches anatomy and how they are pretty much invincible on the top of their bodies because their shells are almost impenetrable making them very tough to get rid of. Then he told me, that on their anatomies, insecticides work through their abdomen which is why people spray the ground. They drag their bodies over it and it ends up killing them.

He was telling me that a good pesticide is detergent or cleaner because it eats into their body and dissolves their lipids. He then proceeded to pull out a bottle of 409. He squirted the guy three times on his abdomen and within minutes, he was dead. Moral of my story?? 409 killed this impenetrable beast! It really made it sink in why we did away with cleaners in our household. It's just a small example, but think of all the cleaners we "clean" with, how many chemicals we spray in our homes with air fresheners, we burn candles, we clean our teeth, hair, faces, bodies with them. Yikes!

The visit itself went well. When she read my pulse yesterday there was no frown. She said "Ok" and proceeded to say in Chinese the diagnosis. He translated that I was getting stronger. My pulses were much better today. Not necessarily strong, but not bad. For a normal person, they were "ok" and in my book, I'll chalk that up to a win.

She did the same main points, but I saw a few things switch up. She put a needle into the top of my skull. It is suppose to draw my energy down to connect with the needles in my reproductive points to help menstruation flow. She also moved the needles in my left hand to my right, and put a needle in my ring finger in the left hand. I couldn't really get a translation what that was for, but I know we put our rings there because it's suppose to symbolically lead to our heart so my assumption is something for my Qi.

I literally felt the energy today. I had a hot flash in the middle, which normally, I'd be a bit concerned by with a POF diagnosis, but my whole body felt like it swelled up and coursed with energy. It felt like when you wear a ring in the hot summer and it feels too small...that's how my whole body felt for a minute. Very bizarre.

Afterwards, my pulse was even better. She filled me up on herbs for a week. One more acupuncture visit and a replenish of herbs next week before they go to China for three weeks. When they return, most likely back to weekly acupuncture.

On this visit, I remembered they'd told me to start taking resveratrol a few weeks back because it's a high antioxidant and is suppose to help with blood flow. It's the chemical found in grape leaves which is why sometimes you hear people say a glass or red wine will prevent heart disease. It's the resveratrol, not the wine ;)

So, I ordered some. I did a bit of research and did find that it has been linked to fertility. Basically, it helps protect the eggs from prematurely aging, as with the rest of your body. An interesting thing I found, especially for those with POF is that it helps prevent osteoperosis. When you have POF, your body literally drains your bones of calcium, which is why a calcium supplement is so important, and why doctors often prescribe HRT. The HRT helps prevent bone loss. What they are now finding is resveratrol works just as well as some HRT regimens at protecting your bones.

Here is an interesting article. There are dozens more in you goodle resveratrol and fertility of health benefits, but this one spoke specifically about HRT.

http://www.naturopathiccurrents.com/articles/resveratrol_uncovering_the_health_benefits_of_red_wine

The fertility dosage I was able to find is 400 mg, however, I hate starting at the top. I began 200 mg dose yesterday. I found a good deal at iHerb that is non GMO and guaranteed to not have chemicals and not have had any pesticide. Here is a link to that supplement. Use coupon POD190 for $5 off your first order any price of $10 off $40. The other thing I like about that site is their warehouse is climate controlled, which it isn't at other facilities like Amazon.

http://www.iherb.com/Paradise-Herbs-Resveratrol-60-Veggie-Caps/4232#p=1&oos=1&disc=0&lc=en-US&w=resveratrol&rc=443&sr=null&ic=7

(just an update to the above, that blend does not have very high resveratrol - here is the brand I use now

In other news, I read the book Inconceivable that I'd talked about ordering in a previous post. It was a nice book about someone's journey through secondary infertility. I really connected to her in parts because people automatically assume that since you had one child, it makes the diagnosis somehow easier. Not so. It's also hard to find support within the infertility community because people are struggling to have any child, and your having one is sometimes met with confusion and even hostility. It also makes you feel guilty at times that you are being so "greedy" to want another when some people have none. In this book, the author dealt with all those emotions.

I liked she explored many of the same things I'm doing and it reminded me the benefits of yoga. I'd kind of put them aside when I started meditating at night, but it reminded me that it also has to do with increased blood flow and body strength as well as quieting the mind. I've reincorporated that into my life the last few days. Just three poses really. I do them in the morning, in the afternoon if I remember and at night before bed. My son has actually started "kind of" doing them also :)

I do The Supported Shoulder Stand, The Supported Bridge Pose (both not to be done during menstruation because they are considered inverted, and during menstruation you don't want to send blood the wrong way) and The Cobra. Here is a good link to six poses and how they are good. I open my hip flexors at night during meditation similar to the Butterfly, but lying down on my towels.

http://magkaye.hubpages.com/hub/The-6-Best-Yoga-Poses-for-Fertility

I also got the first of Nerida Walker's books. Well, actually it's her second, but it arrived first, so I started reading it last night. I LOVE IT!! She really has been a blessing in my life and I'm so eager to read more and dig into the word. I've been trying to be still and rest in God's provisions for my life. I know places like Barnes and Noble and Amazon carry them, but I always buy second hand at Abe Books or Alibris.

I'm doing better. I'm still doing my "regimen" of sorts but it really has come with more of a peace. If I forget something, there is no panic, and I've eased up on taking the OPKs. I do them every 2-3 days, and they are still glaring positive at me, so my hormones are in over drive. What that means is my body really, really wants to ovulate, but things aren't really cooperating. In the mean time, trying to center myself. Miracles can happen, but they are most miraculous when the odds seem impossible I suppose. Maybe this will just make my testimony all the more powerful for someone who needs believing.

God Bless!

Weak and Wiry

Aug. 23, 2014

Weak and Wiry. Groan. Those were the words my TCM used.

I went in this morning for my bi-weekly appointment and they frowned. I haven't started my period, my temps are being uncooperative, and my pulse was weak and wiry. Am I nervous? Worried? Stressed? Changed my diet? I just sat there stunned. Um, no. I'm always a bit worried under the surface about my fertility, but, am I now worried? Yes. Hands down, yes.

I asked, "Well, but better than when I started right?" Pause. "No, pretty close. Your Qi and blood are really low."

Gulp. Groan. Sigh. Sniff.

I had to really hold back tears this time. Seven months of treatment in and I'm back to square one? The world does not seem fair. They just keep repeating the words "relax relax relax" to me as they talk about how weak I am. Um, that's not relaxing to hear.

As they began mixing herbs, she took me to the acupuncture room and began my fertility acupuncture. Apparently, they think the needles will open my energy channels to improve my Qi and they are giving a "wake up" call to my reproductive organs. I get the impression, the focus on the herbs these next few weeks is to nourish my Qi, build my blood and send the big "WAKE UP!!"

Today, it hurt! I guess when your Qi is low it can be more painful because it's really opening things up. The ones in my head were tender, between my thumb and forefinger, I barely felt, but the ones in my abdomen? Yowie!! The legs and feet were ok. Typically, there may be a slight poke as they go in, but this time, I'd actually get sporadic bursts of pain throughout the session. It really did feel like a bolt of energy.

As I laid there I tried so hard to relax, but what did I do? Worry. Worried about the fact I ran out of organic decaf and had two cups of "normal" decaf this week. Worry about the fact we never typically eat out, but ate out three times this week, one of those being Taco Bell. Gulp. Worry about the fact I was letting financial stress get hold of me. Worry about the fact my son has peanut and nut allergies now and I have to have a Epi Pen strapped to me at all times.  Worry about I had ice cream, twice, this past week. Worry about the fact I was up late crying with my friend and comforting her through some problems.

Which one of those things set me over the edge? I had to do a mental head slap. Seriously, Em. Two cups of not organic decaf coffee aren't enough to hit rock bottom. So, last week wasn't the best. Most likely, everything came to a head and my body was tired today. That doesn't mean it's rock bottom. Just a crappy day.

My temps are just weird. Not high. Not low. In the middle. They were high but then dropped. My thinking, because I was sick, they were elevated before. According to other fertile signs, I could have ovulated last Tuesday. Or, my body is doing a fake out, which I'm rather accustomed to.

I'm suppose to go back next week for acupuncture, but I'll be out of town, so I'll go the following midweek. I'm hoping this session, getting back on track this week and being back on the fertility herbs full time now will mend whatever is broken.

My friend sent me the scripture "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not into thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and He shall direct thy path." A good reminder. Stop worrying about how to fix it. Trust it IS being fixed. My understanding is so limited and because I can't logically or scientifically figure out how things will right themselves, I start to doubt they will. But, that's what faith is, isn't it? Having no idea how it's POSSIBLE, but KNOWING it is.

In theory. Simple. In practice. Really, REALLY hard.

On the upside, we had an amazing family day. We went to a Family Sports Event for the family. It was really, quite incredible. Area vendors were there, all with activities for children. Our son jumped right in. Literally. It was a fun day!

Another woman in a Mommy Group of mine is also struggling with infertility. She kindly sent me a link to her blog. It was sad and beautiful all at the same time looking at her past entries. She tried for THREE YEARS to conceive her daughter trying various fertility treatments and the one cycle off. Wham! Pregnant. That cycle, her pulse was very weak. She'd sent it to me to be uplifting and it was such a blessing she let me in to her years of struggle. I really appreciated being part of her journey.

To all you ladies out there struggling with any kind of infertility. My heart aches with yours. Such a devastating and isolating thing. May you find peace and success growing your family in whatever way you choose. Biological child. DE IVF child. Adopted child. Fostered child.

God Bless!

Meh...Another Fake Out

Aug. 16, 2014

I'm having one of "those" days again. Just in a funk. I'm feeling better. Great actually. I finished my "get better" herbs Friday night and am back on fertility herbs. I've been sleeping excellent too.

I really thought I'd ovulated last Tuesday. The week before my temps had spiked for three days, but I'd attributed it to a low grade fever, but they they rose again on Weds. However, Weds and Thurs I was feeling a bit sick still. No appetite. Felt a bit nauseated whenever I ate. Saturday, my temps dropped low again and remain there today.

So...best guess...still waiting. A friend is going through some really horrible things personally (and health wise) and it makes me realize how petty my problems are. So, just makes me feel even more like a jacka** that I still let them get to me.

I've also been letting stress creep in on financial matters. It just seems like so much is coming due, and my husband's work has been a really slow. He's such a hard worker, and I know it bothers him in the slow times. He's been helping with our son so I can work extra hours. He traveled last week, which will be a nice check, but I forgot how much difficult it is. I miss him, and this single parenting is really tough while maintaining a full time job (with childcare three days a week it helps, but it means working a lot of hours during naps and after bedtime still) scheduling auditions, getting the cleaning, cooking, shopping and day to day things done. I really respect parents who have to do it alone day to day.

Not a whole lot else to report. It was a wonderful family day yesterday. We went to a local farm and played for a while and picked a whole variety of fresh veggies. I got some extra snuggles from my son who was a bit under the weather. I hate seeing him ill, but I did like the extra loving! He's such a busy body exploring every which way, I'm learning to take advantage of every extra moment with him! But boy, the pushing boundaries has been trying my patience. I keep reminding myself he's learning and growing, exerting his independence. Yow!

Well, here's to hoping now that I'm back on my fertility herbs it gets things moving. It's really been about three weeks now since I've been taking them, so maybe this is just the push my body needs.

God bless!

Sick Again and the Supermoon

Aug. 10, 2014

So, turns out I'm sick again. My lethargy and aches weren't in my head. I went to my TCM yesterday thinking the herbs may be worsening whatever was wrong with me, and I was right. The herbs nourish the body and everything in it...including viruses.

My TCM pretty much told me every symptom I had before I was able to get the words out of my mouth. By checking my pulses and tongue she asked if I was tired? Check. Dry mouth and thirsty? Check. Achy? Check. I also told her I'd felt like a lump was in my throat for several days. It didn't hurt, just was annoying. Yesterday my throat was a tiny bit scratchy, but that was it.

She told me in abbreviated English that "medicine" made my immunity down. Translation? The meds for the UTI did a bang up job getting rid of the UTI. It also wreaked havoc on the rest of my body.

Isn't it fascinating? Western medicine (and don't get me wrong, I love Western medicine and everything it has to offer) works in the way it targets one thing. It's amazingly exact and precise which is wonderful, but the down side is, it only has ONE medication. Eastern medicine has a different philosophy. They prescribe herbs that will treat one condition as well as all the others that may come up from treating the condition. What do I mean? I know have a mix of about 35 herbs that will treat everything wrong with my body, while boosting my immune system and organ functions. It all works TOGETHER to ensure my body heals properly all while treating what is wrong.

I don't blame Western medicine for their philosophy because the fact of the matter is, a lot of medicines are powerful and work efficiently. The reason Western medicine doesn't treat the whole body in one pill is, it's mass produced. Western medicines are researched and distributed wide spread to keep cost down and be efficient. Eastern medicines are prescribed and measured precisely for each patient. It isn't cost effective.

Anyway, good news. No UTI - thank you Western medicine (although next time my TCM said they have a great UTI herb mixture without the side effects so I think I'll try it) and thank you Eastern herbs for getting me back on my feet. It felt like when I had Epstein Bar. So far, I took two doses yesterday (and went to bed at 8:45 pm) and one dose this morning and I already have more energy. I have one week of medicinal herbs and then back to my fertility mixture.

In other news. I had a HUGE temp spike yesterday which I though may be a low grade fever, and I was right. Today it dropped back down to 97.33. So, either a fall back rise, or I didn't ovulate afterall. I've had positive OPK's for about five days now so my body is REAAAALLLLLLYYYY trying. Tonight, however, is the supermoon? What is that you ask? A supermoon is when the moon is at it's closest to earth on it's elliptical access. It will be enormous and light up the sky.

http://earthsky.org/space/what-is-a-supermoon

Since full moons are synonymous with fertility, I'm hoping that the "super" moon will literally rip one of those eggs right outta there!! Sound a little "out there?" The lunar month is what the women's cycle is based on. Some fascinating stuff. Check out this article for an overview.

http://astrology.about.com/od/themoon/a/MoonFertility.htm

I'll be honest I really started to have anxiety this morning when my temp came down and my OPK was still positive. I started having a freak out moment of this is what happened when I was diagnosed. Fortunately 1. - my HPT yesterday was almost barely non existent so it WAS the high LH surge making it turn, not residual HCG in my system, and 2. I've reminded myself I've put this in God's hands. Trying to "time" things properly for a baby is silly. I've let God know I trust we'll conceive and since he's the one in charge of releasing the eggs anyway, he'll know the "appropriate" time to do so.

In the mean time, healing and remaining optimistic.

Quick Update

Aug. 8, 2014

Well, a quick update. I skipped my TCM this week. I called and told them I had about a week of herbs leftover still so they said to just wait and come in next week when I'm out. I think that's the best bet. I think we'll have a better idea if I should start acupuncture again by that point. And...it saves me four hours of driving there, appointment and driving home in glorious LA traffic, I'm all for it.

I'm feeling pretty good. Still bloody exhausted. I'm not sure what that is all about. The last two weeks have been awful. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't get any energy, and the irony is, it's the best sleep I've had in months. I resorted to putting a mini scoop of regular coffee in with my decaf yesterday. Also, I felt really achy for several days. I thought the flu was rearing it's ugly head, but I feel better today. I didn't take herbs yesterday morning and just did a half dose at night in case I was coming down with something. I know the super herbs can grow viruses as well as heal my lady bits.

I did get a very positive OPK yesterday, and then today...the mother of all positive OPKs!! Holy crap, right!??! The test line is on the top.

My sister in law suggested I take a HPT "just in case" since I've been feeling pretty punky and it's that darn faint positive again. A dark faint, but faint. My gut tells me it's from the huge LH surge and low residual HCG. (Interesting fact, they've proven a super LH surge can show a faint on an HPT test. Kind of like OPKs look positive when you are pregnant. They didn't think it worked in reverse, but if you test at exactly the right time, you can see a faint from the super surge...)

So, either A. my body is all whacked out, or B. my body is surging (like it should) right now and may kick out an egg. I'm really thinking B this time. Maybe it's my optimism, but my temps have been low the last two weeks and yesterday I got a little temp hike, and today a major. So, my thinking is I ovulated yesterday and the OPK today was because my body still detected the surge. Also, overall, I've been sleeping pretty good and no hot flashes or problems focusing, which all tends to happen when my body goes crazy.

That dark line makes me think my body is screaming at my ovaries to just spit one out already!

The next few days, I'm sure will make things clearer, and if not...I'm pretty use to living in limbo right now ;) I'll have an answer for sure in two weeks if I ovulated or not, right?

In other news, acting has been going great recently. I've been keeping busy filming and auditioning, so it makes the "baby journey" a lot easier to swallow when I'm not being forced to think of it all the time. Good distractions. A watched pot never boils right?

**Just a quick edit. I started feeling sick again today. Achy all over. Exhausted. Constantly thirsty. I had to take a nap. I never nap on my work days. It honestly does feel like when I was pregnant with my son and had morning sickness, but according to my temperature, open cervix and negative tests, I know that isn't possible. Maybe I do have a touch of something. If I'm not better in a week or two, I'll go in and have everything checked out. I know they ran thyroid and autoimmune tests during my initial diagnosis, so I don't think it's that. Sucking it up and hoping I feel better soon. How stupid I feel a bit under the weather and I already jump to conclusions with hormones. Snap out of it, Em!

I called my TCM and am heading in tomorrow to adjust my herbs.