CD3 Results

March 26, 2015

Well, my results for my FSH and estradiol are in. Drum. Roll. Please.

Meh, forget it. It was more of a trip over a drum set, crash, scenario.

Well, my FSH actually went up a bit from 48 to 55.7. Both are way way waaaaay down from my original diagnosis reading of 136, so grateful, I suppose.

Last night, it all came to a head. I was a sobbing mess. Why why why? I eat well. I take care of myself. I don't use toxins. Was it because I was sick last week? Didn't sleep well the night before? Have been stressed? Because I had a long anovulatory cycle? And on and on and on. It just seemed so bloody unfair. My poor husband came home from a work trip and was met with me. He asked did I want to talk about it and all I could respond is "there's nothing to say. I'm sad. I'm mad. I've had it."

But, then I expounded. It wasn't fair. To me. To our son. To him. He got saddled with a broken old woman. At which point, I crumbled. Completely. Thankfully, I've a very supportive and encouraging husband who teared up immediately and said to NEVER, EVER say that again.

Basically, that was the first time I just let it all spill how incredibly guilty I feel for putting him and our family through this. I KNOW it's not my fault. I KNOW. It's hard to stop FEELING though.

The crazy thing is, I feel the same I did health wise as when I conceived our son. We got to talking that maybe this is something I've had the whole time. I went back through my old charts TTC our son. I had night sweats then as well. When they say every child is a miracle, I believe it, but in our case, he may be a miracle ten fold. I won't ever let go of God's healing hand blessing us again. I won't. I did feel though a wave of gratitude how lucky we are.

I also had a good cry about being so hard on myself for feeling guilty that I'm upset and angry. We are so blessed. We've a house. Food. Family. Other than this little debacle, our health. It felt good to just let it out, and boy, was I exhausted.

I woke up refreshed (thanks to my son sleeping in) and to my estradiol lab. That one came in lower than last time at 40. Which, is actually good news. Basically CD3 estradiol should be between 25-75, the higher the number the more indicative it is of diminished reserve. For IVF purposes I know, they like to see a lower number. My number of 40 was not only normal, but almost exactly where medically speaking it should be.

My number before of 89, which a whole lot better than ZERO, was considered high and most likely suppressing my FSH. So, my true FSH at that point, may be closer to what it read this time at 55.7.

What does all this mean? Well, I think Weds. appointment with the fertility specialist will be much more indicative of what is up with me once we can see my ovaries, follicles, lining, etc, but for now it tells me that my ovaries are working too hard still.

I panicked last night wondering if HRT was a necessity as I read over the list of what POF causes...heart attack, osteoporosis, increased risk of cancers, stroke, dementia, vaginal atrophy...and on and on. The dementia really gets me. My grandma died of Alzheimers and I know I'm at increased risk. The earlier you go through menopause, the higher your risk.

What my labs showed though was my estrogen was actually right where it should be. It may not have the same surges as a "younger" woman hormonally speaking because not as many follicles mature (each maturing follicle makes your estrogen surge to about 200 higher) but it's in a healthy level. So despite my higher labs for FSH, my estrogen in on point where HRT would put it anyway.

I feel like if I look at myself as a whole (not just fertility wise) and can keep my estrogen, calcium and vitamin D in check, there still is no need for HRT. After 15 years of taking birth control pills I don't know why I'm so resistant. I think because I partly blame them for my issues. Every drug I've taken, I've had such an exaggerated reaction. In high school when I got my wisdom teeth out they couldn't wake me from the pain killer and I spent hours throwing up and passing back out. When I was induced, the drug I was suppose to get every four hours was so strong eight hours later they still refused the second dose. When they put me on pit I contracted so long and hard they thought my uterus would rupture. I just can't help but feel my body is incredibly sensitive to drugs and they reek havoc on my system.

Anyway, thought I'd update you all. So, my labs for all intents and purposes are the same. My FSH is still around the same so not worse, definitely not better, but my estrogen is healthy.

I went to my TCM today for acupuncture because I'm actually filming Saturday when my original appointment was scheduled. He was excited I'd gotten my period.

During acupuncture he did the same fertility points, stuck with the depression points again as well and then I asked him to do some carpal tunnel points since I work so long at the computer and I've been having lingering pain. It's hard to get to sleep at night. I had to chuckle when he put them in my head. He again told me how good he was...most times those needles really hurt people but he's so gentle I barely felt it.

I almost did start laughing out loud when he was doing the points on my abdomen. The two points really hurt. It just so happens it's right, I mean RIGHT over my private parts so my pants are tucked down really far. He just blurted out "I'm nervous."

Nervous?? To do acupuncture? Yes, he said, so close to your privates. I don't want to touch it. I couldn't help but laugh. He is a doctor after all so I've never put much thought to it, but perhaps that is why my female doctor typically does the fertility stuff. She's still in China.

My pulse was much better after the session. He said the Qi may have been a little low today because I am still menstruating. The good thing is my period has been a good length. It started a bit "scanty" as they like to call it, or light, but picked up a bit. Not a heavy flow, but a consistent, red flow. There was a bit darker color, but I think from the long anovulatory cycle. He also loaded me up on herbs.

I'm really praying if I should continue this.

I did order my essential oils and will be happy to start using more of them. I think the clary sage has been helping. I've also been making sure to eat more fats which I think can only help overall.

After Weds I think I will be more in tune with my body, but I spent all night and day really trying to feel God's presence. I feel like I'm at a point where I can "give up" my efforts and trust God. I hope, pray and do believe I will conceive, but I also feel like I need to open myself that our child will come however he or she comes. I seek so hard for the answers to fertility, or how to make fostering or adoption or embryo adoption work and I need to find a calm and really allow God to PRESENT it to me. I don't know how that will happen. At times I don't believe it can, but I need to push that behind me and trust it will.

Last night all I wanted to do is scream "Why God" are you allowing this, but I know the answer. GOD isn't. God empowers me to DEAL with it. Satan, the devil, however you want to call it, is in charge of evil, sickness, death, despair. So sorry to get all biblical on you, but "Get thee behind me Satan." I'll have no part of it.

I've a renewed peace today. I've had a few moments of tears, but I'll come out ahead.

God Bless.

Biting the Bullet

March 23, 2015

Well, I'm biting the bullet. I called the clinic that both of my friends referred me too. Thankfully, with the referral they are giving me a free consultation (which normally is $350) and allowing me to order my labs through my doctor under my insurance, as long as she is willing to put them through.

I asked the secretary if the doctor deals with POF patients and she said he absolutely has and most go on to do DE IVF. Not exactly the answer I wanted to hear, but one I was expecting. My hope is that my hormones have improved enough there are other options. I think most of all though, I want to see my progress and hear a game plan. I know we won't do DE IVF. We both aren't all that jazzed about the idea OR the insanely high price tag that comes with it. We've already decided as a couple that if THAT is the only option presented, we will try naturally until we either conceive or are both on the same page to pursue EA (embryo adoption) as we feel more comfortable with that option (and price tag!)

I don't know if I'd be a candidate for mini IVF (low stimulation) or a HCG trigger if we can catch a cycle that I am ovulating normally coupled with IUI and normal intercourse. All questions I have.

Regardless, I'm kind of excited to see what my body is up to. Normally, I'd dread an update preferring the unknown, but I've an odd calm about it.

I started spotting two days ago. Today I had a short burst of red blood. I'm not sure if it's a scanty period (I hate that term by the way, but it's the medical lingo) just midcycle spotting, my period about to start...who knows.

I'll keep you posted on anything I learn.

God bless!

Bonds of Infertility

March 20, 2014

I feel like I've so much to update on. I got so busy I wasn't able to set any time aside. Forgive my rambling nature this post. I feel scattered today.

First off, instead of going to my TCM tomorrow, I went last week. My mom was in town and wanted to try acupuncture. She has a few issues with gallbladder, her upper arm had been bothering her and has tendinitis, so a ringing in her ears. She also had one nasty cold. She'd been complaining of a bit of nausea between the drainage from the cold and the pressure in her ears from flying. Best yet, my acupuncture session would be her treat.

*insert wheels peeling out of the drive*

Her treat. Yes Ma'm!

When we arrived my doctor was there to take her pulse and ask a few questions and then she went in to get poked. I asked if they'd mind my watching since I'd never actually seen it done before. Before he even started he reviewed her list of complaints. When she described the pain in her back wrapping around to the front he said "gallbladder." Apparently, that is what she'd thought it was, but her doctors said no. He, however, sat her down and pressed one pressure point on her leg. "This hurt?" It sure did! He told her that it was because that was the gallbladder point. So, she may have a few issues there afterall.

It was interesting to watch. He had such a gentle touch. He just kind of flicks the needle in. I was pretty astounded though, how far he pushed some in. I stood watching trying not to let my eyes bulge for fear my mom would react when he twisted those suckers in. "Sensitive? Does it hurt," he asked. "No." He actually gave a surprised look and went along his way flicking and pushing. He dimmed the light, set the music and we went along to do my session.

About halfway through my session I heard my mom call him from the other room, then it got quiet. He came in to check on me and adjust my needles and I asked how my mom was. "She's done." Wow, quick! "She threw up!"

"What?? Is she ok??"

"Now she is." Chuckle.

Me - groan. Poor mom!

Turns out the nausea she was battling got too much to handle when the needles opened up her energy channels. She did however say the ringing in her ears wasn't as loud and her back and shoulder felt a bit better. I hope I didn't scar her on the idea of acupuncture.

After my session he said my pulse was very good. "Very good, as in, very good for anybody? Or, very good for me?"

"Anybody. Strong. Very strong." He started going whoosh whoosh whoosh, strong! My left side was a bit weaker though so my blood needed more nourishment.

I also received my clary sage essential oil. I started putting a drop on each sole of my foot every night, but after three or four nights of not being able to sleep, I wondered if it was the oil. It's suppose to be calming, but apparently, on me, not so much. I've started putting it on my feet in the mornings with a carrier oil and it's helped. I sleep better at night. I've only been doing it for a week or so, so I don't now the effects yet. Fingers crossed.

A few things recently that really resonated. This morning, my son loves to see the garbage truck. Trash was running late, so we were killing time. It got much too late and I had to bring him into daycare so I could get some work done. As I was leaving I ran into a fellow mom who is scheduled for a C-section next week. I rarely see her because I drop off earlier. We got to chatting and she was getting so emotional talking about how difficult this pregnancy had done and how her little girl was a fighter, that I of course got emotional with her and started crying too. She asked if I planned to have more kids, and already in tears from talking to her, I broke down. I spilled our whole journey with her in the parking lot.

She wrapped me in a hug and said "Don't give up. Please don't give up. I never thought I'd get pregnant. I tried for four years to have our son. I exhausted every avenue. Like you, I did acupuncture, herbs, all the fertility treatments. My friends raised money for us to do an IVF. They started me on the medication to stop all my hormones, essentially shut my system down before restarting it to prepare for the cycle. The doctor called me and told me to sit down. They had no idea how it was even possible since they'd stopped all hormone production, but I was pregnant. We thought it was impossible to get pregnant this time around, and although we weren't preventing, we weren't trying. I said the words aloud to my husband, 'If I'm not pregnant by my 42nd birthday, we are going to start preventing to so I don't risk passing on any genetic abnormalities' and I was pregnant within weeks of vocalizing it. I feel like someone heard."

Infertility, and fertility struggles are really the pits, but one thing I've learned is there is nothing that forms a greater, tighter or more intimate bond with people who are essentially strangers than the bonds of infertility. I imagine those bonds feel much the same for cancer survivors. I found that same tight bond with other mothers when I had my son. Within struggle, there are so many wonderful, gracious and supportive people. I was so humbled to have spoken with her this morning on such a more intimate level than our casual "Hi, How are you" exchanges.

As a matter of fact, while writing this, she just text me. She had called her old fertility doctor and asked her about my issues. She said she'd be willing to see me, which she is. She closed with the text "If there is anything else, let me know. I'd be willing to go and hold your hand if it would help."

Tears. What a beautiful thing to offer.

The crazy thing is, it's the same clinic my friend went to for her IVF and the one she is scheduled at for her embryo transfer. Small world. Living in Los Angeles, there are hundreds of fertility clinics and the two women who have referred me, said to go to the same one. I'm starting to feel like I want to talk to one. I may contact them to see what labs they need so next CD3 I can have my OBGYN order them. This way, the labs will be covered by insurance, even if the consult at a fertility specialist isn't.

The other thing that struck me today was a woman in the Mothers with POI/POF group posted about how she's always been extremely thin. She gained 6 lbs at the prompting of her family and found her cycles resumed, but she felt fat so she lost the weight again and all her POF symptoms returned. I really think a lot of infertility issues have to do with weight. I know when I was diagnosed I was I believe 96 lbs which is gaunt, so extremely thin.

I will be honest that I have struggled with body image in the past. In high school I did, as well as the profession I'm in (acting) there is a pressure to be rail thin. The camera adds pounds, so everyone always wants to avoid extra weight gain. The last year or so, I can honestly say I've let go of that. I feel like I'm more secure in who I am. The reality is, this industry needs people of all sizes. As I age more, I feel ok being a bit heavier (and I know I'm not heavy, I mean carrying more weight than I use to) because I know it's better for me. I've more energy, my body works healthier, my hair has been growing in thicker, my skin is clear. My focus has been on getting healthy, and it's been liberating to let go of my inhibition.

When I conceived my son (before diagnosis) I was heavier than I had been, it being just after Christmas when I'd put on some weight and was 105. I noticed when I fall back to around 100, my cycles get more erratic than when I'm closer to that 104/105 mark. I've been consciously trying to add more fats to my diet. I think my adding coconut oil to my smoothies (something I knew to do, but never remembered until another mom in that group reminded me by posting her smoothie with coconut oil) helps me get those good fats into my diet.

I've no real update for this cycle. I'm CD 62 and I don't think I've ovulated. I will say I took an HPT on Monday and it was stark white, so that is great. That means my LH and HCG aren't inflated from POF. I've felt great too. I really feel like although this is a long cycle, there will be a strong ovulation.

As always, God bless!

Spotting, Essential Oils, Healing and Acupuncture

March 7, 2015

Well, I suppose it's time for an update. My cycle is strange. What's new, right? I thought I may have ovulated, but my temp went back down. It's had a bit of up and down, but my thought is the initial spike was from a cold. I also spotted for 12 days. Light pink or brown and only when I wiped.

I was a bit emotional this week. I won't lie. There are times I just feel like throwing in the towel, but what am I left with? Ovaries that still don't function? My body is still broken outside of the fertility side of it, so I've really no option than to plug along.

I could always go the HRT route, but I've no faith in that as a long term option. I don't want medication to be what I rely on, and I don't want medication to be what my body relies on to operate correctly. Please know, if you are reading this and on HRT or trying to decide if that is what you want, that is totally ok and you SHOULD do your research. If you opt for HRT it is a wonderful tool and medication and you need to do what is right FOR YOU!! For me, I'm more comfortable with the holistic route as long as my body is responding. If it ever stops, I'll explore HRT as an option.

On the fertility front, we are having more children. I'm convinced biologically, but I've continued my research into fostering to adopt and Embryo Adoption. In fact, my friend who I introduced to the idea of EA is transferring next month!!! The way the path was literally thrown in her face is miraculous, but that is her story to tell. I'm so thrilled and excited for them and pray for a successful transfer so they can hold their take home baby! I also ripped out an article about fostering and fostering to adopt about an informational meeting later this month.

Fostering to adopt seems like such a beautiful concept, but I don't know if I have the heart or stomach to welcome a child into our home just to see them leave. I know you must go into it with the mentality of thinking of it as temporary, but how do I explain to my two year old child their brother or sister may leave. It seems too difficult. The thing that seems even more unbearable than an adoption where the birth mom reconsiders and takes the child back is you may have this child in your custody for years and then they are reconciled. Still an option I am considering because I think so many children need good homes.

Adoption as I've said before is EXPENSIVE!! Even with tax credits, it's still not an option for us at this time.

On my biological fertility front, I was back to TCM today. He asked if I was hurried getting there because it was reflected in my pulse. I was in fact! He also asked if I have been worrying too much.., Yes, indeed. He said he both my pulse and tongue reflected that. To let go of my stress and anxiety (relax relax relax) because it was making me "depressed."

During acupuncture, he added needles to my regiment to help with the depression. A few in my wrists, legs and head. He said it was the "thirteen needles" or "thirteen points." He said it was misleading because it was more than thirteen needles, but thirteen points. Three in my head. Some in my abdomen, some in my wrists and some in my legs. These points are suppose to encourage overall energy, circulation and Qi. The ones in my temples were rather deep and I tried to ask him a question and got instant pressure. Apparently my jaw muscles were pinned up in there. Or maybe he was just sick of my asking questions and jammed some in there to shut me up ;)

I asked more about the points in my legs, the ones that extended from my inner calf to my ankle and he said it was to increase energy. He also showed me how to use my heal to drag it down over those points. He said I should be doing that every night before sleep to help with my kidney and spleen channel. He showed me how to drag my heel over the top of my foot (the bones between the big toe and one next to it) to help with depression of the liver "stress, axiety, etc" every night as well. He said it was the "lazy" way of acupressure but very effective.

The point in my foot area that was extremely tender today was in my Achilles. He had really put it in deep to help with my depression, but that is such a sensitive area! The only point on my abdomen that was tender was over my right ovary. He did the normal five pattern around my naval and then put five across just above my pubic bone. He told me the five points (which I don't remember) but I know the short term for one of them was the "catch" point telling my body to catch an egg and the "come back" point telling my ovaries to start working again. Obviously, those were laymen's terms so I'd understand.

After my session I asked him about my pulse. He said that it was weaker than he wanted, but overall not bad. My right pulse, or Qi, was stronger today than the left, or "blood." This is opposite what it was before, so I'm happy my Qi is improving. The herbs I am taking this week are suppose to help nourish my blood.

So, I was sent home with new herbs, a few new massages to incorporate into my routine, with strict rules of meditating and relaxing.

I'm starting to use some essential oils.  I'll put a drop on each foot every night in my lavender magnesium lotion that I'm already using. I'm excited to start learning more and using more essential oils. I know a lot are skeptical of them, but a lot of the medications we use are from plants, which is what these are. By applying them topically or breathing them in aromatically, they go directly into your blood stream.

If you think about it, it's very effective and makes a lot of sense. They don't have nasty biproducts and fillers that a lot of meds do. I just read an article how many hospitals are beginning to incorporate essential oils into their care. I know my sons dentist uses essential oils in the office to calm children. She works with children on the spectrum and it's been proven to calm and settle them in that setting.

So many interesting things I'm learning about. This disease has obviously been a nasty curse, but when I look at the bright side, I've learned so much about how our bodies work, how to keep them healthy, we've changed our diet, gotten rid of toxins like cleaners and personal care products that can cause harm...I feel like we've used it as incentive to make our lives healthier, teach our son to be healthy and make good long term choices. I suppose you have to look at the good with the bad.

My next project is trying to learn how to do indoor composting without a stink. If you've any tips let me know. I've explored two ways to do it, but I'm skeptical... As my son and I have been planting (he has carrots, broccoli, tomato, beans and potatoes growing) I've been really wanting to start our own compost. The organic dirt is pricey and we are literally throwing money out with the trash.

Back to the fertility front, this is the first day in almost two weeks I haven't been spotting. I did take a pregnancy test last week and I was a faint positive (not as dark as before) so my hormones are hopefully getting better. I'll go back to the take one every week or two route until I can get a clear thermal shift and know what's happening.

Every night I pray to "Let Go and Let God" and every day I struggle with that lesson. I was reading Nerida's book the other night and read something that made so much sense. Instead of praying to God to heal me, I need to demand my body to be healed because God already gave me the power to do so. God said in the bible

Mark 3:15 - And to have power to heal sicknesses, and to cast out devils

It was a moment of clarity. I keep pleading with God for a miracle when God in fact has already given me the power to do so. I decided to take a moment to remind my body. Not that I have the authority to heal, but that GOD has declared I am healed...I think it needed a reminder. So do I.

Until next time. God Bless.