Heart Fire, Healing and Health

April 25, 2015

Well, my labs are rolling in and so far no surprises. The things I knew were high, iron and FSH, are high. The thing I knew was low, estrogen, is low. There are a few on the cusp or too high or too low, but most are smack dab in the middle. My vitamin D is on the low end of normal so I think she'll suggest a higher dose.

It was back to my TCM today for acupuncture and a reload of herbs. I brought up the osteopenia and he said he'd add some herbs for that, but it all ties into my kidney channel. The kidney channel controls bone, which is what also controls reproduction. Makes sense. It controls ovaries which control estradiol production which controls how bones absorb calcium.

He also said after looking at my tongue, that the tip was red which meant heart fire. He asked if I'd been emotional. Why yes, yes I have. He also asked if I'd had a bit of dizziness of nausea. Why yes, yes I have. I'd actually written about it a week or so ago wondering if it was one of the oils I was using.

He said it's called heart fire because ancient Chinese thought he heart controlled emotion, much like we did too. When you're sad, you are heartbroken. Same thing. It has nothing to do the with heart organ itself, but the emotions. He said he'd add some things to my herbs to calm my emotions.

When he did the acupuncture, he explained to me the fire spots that go from the tip of your middle finger to the inner arm near the elbow. They are the line of fire. The tip of your finger is wood, in the palm is fire, on the wrist is earth, near it metal and up your warm water. He put needles in the earth (ash) and water position to poor water on my emotions and depression so there was ash. Basically, to get rid of it. Pretty cool.

As long as I'm paying for this, I'm having him take care of everything. I was a bit like a porcupine today with 44 needles ranging from fertility, to depression to carpal tunnel. Those carpal tunnel ones are killers. They send shock waves up your whole hand right up your finger. I have to say I despise those ones, but I haven't been having pain anymore so I trust they are working.

He also explained to me that when my other doctor returns from China next week that her needles where too high on my abdomen. They should be one inch above my pubic bone. Apparently she was too shy to pull my pants down far enough.

When they both feel I'm ready they will do the "pregnancy hold" acupuncture which is apparently just five needles. One in the stomach, two on the calves (I think that's where he pointed) and two in the ankle. He said right now they are busy increasing energy all over, but when I'm strong enough, that will really zero in on that one area and it is powerful.

Honestly, I find TCM fascinating. It really is incredible how the whole body ties into itself. It seems rather obvious, but when you think how one small things sets off a chain reaction. Amazing.

He did ask how my temp was and I had to admit I haven't been temping. He said a mental break was good for my emotional well being, but I get the sense he'd like me to start again at some point. I will. For now, the break is good.

As I write this I'm busy doing my oil pulling. Not as bad as when I first started. I do need to start with my castor oil packs again at some point. It's really quite relaxing, I just need to get into my rythym. My husband has been traveling and between working full time, taking care of my son and keeping things moving on the acting front, I just haven't had the time. I need to change that.

My mother in law called the other day saying her sister, a nurse on a maternity ward, tracked down an OBYN at a conference who knew about POF. This doctor was adamant that the first thing I should have been tested for was celiac. That they are finding major ties between it and POF and infertility in general. I emailed my OB, who I think took a bit of offense because she instructed me to contact my regular doctor very curtly. I figure they've been testing me for everything else, one more test can't hurt.

It's not surprising really. The wheat in this country is appalling. It's nothing like the ancient wheat our ancestors use to eat. It's even harvested too early (for higher profit) making the chemical make up completely different. Makes me shudder, our food industry.

I know a lot of blood tests for celiac come up false negative and the biopsy is the only way to tell, but regardless my result (if they allow it) I may give it up for a while to see how it impacts me. A lot of women in the infertility forum have had tremendous improvement once kicking gluten. Makes me wonder...

I'm attending an essential oil event. I also want a new Zyto scan. Remember, my last one said heart (emotional) health was impaired and inner child (emotional conflict from past.) I'm curious in light on what my TCM said, what it is now.

I've also really delved back into the word. There was a passage in Nerida's book (who you know I love) that said to stop saying you have the condition you have. Your tongue is a powerful sword and what you say is, IS. So, I've been talking to my body every morning and every night. "Body, you work perfectly. Body, you are healed. Ovaries, you have plentiful eggs that are growing. Body, you hormones are the correct levels. Body, you are in line with what God said, that you should be fruitful and multiply." May sound silly, but I believe the spoken word and the mind are powerful.

God Bless.

Endocrinologist and EA Oh My!

April 22, 2015

WELCOME TO MY 100TH POST!!!

Well, shortly after I hit "post" the other day, my endocrinologist's office called to schedule me for a next day appointment. Um, either that is crazy efficient or I should be worried, right??

Well, after my appointment, I decided, they are just super efficient. I will be honest, I braced myself to go in there and fight a battle for not medicating and being pushed to take pharmaceuticals. Thankfully, my doctor was extremely like minded. Her philosophy is there are great meds on the market, yes; however they should be used with caution, sparingly and appropriately. When I'm 65, then is the time to start meds for osteoporosis. Now, she felt it was unethical because there have not been long term studies done with these medications. 5 years. Sure. 10 years. Maybe, but even then she prescribes her patients to rotate on then off the medications.

If you remember, about a year ago I spoke about a condition I have called hemochromatosis. Bascially, what it is, is my body holds on to iron. I have too much. She said that this could be exacerbating my bone loss. If iron is being "caught" by my pituitary gland, it could be disrupting endocrine function (my hormones) and basically leaching calcium.

I have a lot of strikes against me in the bone health department. My mom was diagnosed with osteoporosis at 48 which is super young. I'm slender (higher bmi equals less risk of bone loss) at 103 lbs. I have small bones to start with. With POF I have estrogen deficiency. If my thyroid or pituitary is having issues that will compound the issue.

So, I have to hand it to her, she ordered 25 blood tests. Count them. 25! After today we should really know all my hormone levels. I won't even bother type them here. I took a photo of the lab order.

In addition to all these labs she ordered a 24 hour urine collection kit. She's checking for calcium in my urine. If there is, it could be a kidney issue where they just excrete all the calcium versus my body absorbing it.

Good news is, if there is a reason for bone loss other than the above mentioned, she's being very thorough to catch it and correct it. I asked if the hemochromatosis or an underlying issue could be causing POF. Although she said she's not a reproductive endocrinologist, she doesn't believe so. She feels that my elevated FSH indicates I have no eggs.

I think we all know I think that is, well, BS, but I let it slide. I did say the fertility specialist I met with said it could absolutely be an endocrine or hormonal disruption preventing the eggs from being recruited. She kind of shrugged it off saying she can't help me conceive, but can fix my underlying issues.

My book. Score. I'm of firm mind a healthy body is a healthy body inside and out (and all around.)

My score was, I believe she said -2.4. She said it's not fair to say I have osteoporosis because it's diagnosed on a bell curve according to age. I can't be compared to those in my age. The only certain thing is I have osteopenia, which means lower bone density than what I should.

She did say I should really consider HRT unless I have a family history of breast cancer. Um, my maternal grandma and aunt had it and mom has already had numerous biopsies...yeah, I'd really like to pass. She said once we rule out all other causes, and if I'm left with estrogen deficiency alone to think it over. She DID say she'd support me treating holistically with herbs, supplements and EOs under her monitoring for a couple years. If still in two years I'm losing bone mass, she'd ask I revisit HRT again. Ok, two years out, I'll agree to consider it ;)

When I got to the lab this morning - I had to have the blood draw between 8 and 9 am, the woman checking me in said "Holy Granola! You have a LOT of labs here. Are you ok with all these?"

Well, yeah, stick me once. I'm not paying a $40 copay for each visit thank you very much. She grabbed my urine collector kit which was a sterile container to collect urine and an orange tub 3000 ml (101.44 oz.) Um, give me two or three. She looked at me blank faced like I was crazy. "It's only 24 hrs."

"Yeah, give me several." She gave me two. Full disclosure, I got home at 8:30 am. It's 1:21 pm here and I already have the first full to the 2600 ml mark. I drink a lot of water. I knew this about myself. No one believes me. I'm thinking the last eight hours or so I'm sleeping so I think it'll be enough...either that or I'll be seriously limiting my intake this evening.

She scheduled a phone consult with me in two weeks, on May 4 at noon to go over the results. My labs post immediately as entered online, so unfortunately, that leaves me way way way too much time to consult Dr. Google. Be honest, you all know him/her too.

As a result of my post the other day on Facebook, a woman approached us about EA. Her requirement is we have at least two children with her embryos. If blessed with twins straight out of the gate, awesome. But, our hesitation is if the first FET doesn't work, or if we only get one child, we would have to do it again. Which, well, it's expensive. We had a lovely correspondence, but I told her we needed some time to pray about it. In the mean time if she found a home for them, I understood, but we'd chat with her soon. If it's God's will I know they'll still be there if we decide on them.

(EDIT - after I published this, the phone rang and it was our fertility clinic. They decided if we find outside embryos they will waive the $3000 administrative fee. What??? I'm stunned. The clinic was thrilled to hear about the 6 day blasts and the excellent quality. I also found out from the woman that offered her embryos that her grandparents lived in the town my husband grew up in. Spooky coincidence. We still have to prayerfully consider this option because her only request is we have bio siblings from her set as long as embryos remain. The good news either way, if we wait, the fee is waived so we can pursue outside embryos now without that looming over us. The clinic also told me they may have an in house match available pending donor final approval. I'm a bit overwhelmed things are happening so quickly and I'm not sure we are ready to move forward yet. Many prayers and conversations for my husband and I...)

Our pastor from church, whom I spoke with his wife on Sunday about a referral for fost adopt, actually called yesterday and had written a glowing letter for us already. Incredible how quickly people offer help. He said he'd be more than happy to counsel us through the process and also with any emotions or issues that arose. He too has adopted within the foster system, older children, and has helped some people within the church as well.

So much is happening so quickly.

Well, I'm sure we'll chat before my results are all in so I can agonize over them, but for the time being, stay strong. Even with all the headway on EA and fost adopt (look at me getting all the lingo right, it's not foster to adopt, but fost adopt) my husband and I were chatting on the phone while I drove to my blood draw today. He said he was praying and he's is at utter peace for natural conception. And, you know what. I feel at peace with it too. I'll be thrilled either way however our child comes, but there's peace there.

God's in control. Always is.

God Bless.

Coming Out Aftermath and Bone Scan Results

April 20, 2015

Well, yesterday morning around 8 am I hit post. I was nervous what the outcome would be but tried to go on with my day. I glanced at Facebook quickly before leaving for church and was astounded at how many people had already responded. After church, more and more people. More and more private messages of people dealing with or having had dealt with their own struggles. Now, less than 24 hrs after hitting post, 173 people liked the status, 63 people have commented and I've received 12 messages, many of whom shared their own stories. To say this is a disease that does not resonate with people...well, that is inaccurate, plain and simple.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I do feel freer, and although I know my feelings and physical issues won't disappear overnight, I've a support system. People offered such words of encouragement and hope, people shared openly their own struggles and miracles. It was a very humbling experience.

Now, in regards to my bone scan, my spine does show thinning of the bone. How much, I don't know yet. My doctor has referred me to an endocrinologist, instructed me to get at least 1500 mg of calcium and 1000 international units of Vitamin D a day and to increase my weight bearing exercises. Dr. Google, who I know I SHOULD avoid at all costs leads me to think I have osteopenia...at least I hope it isn't as severe as osteoporosis.

Do yourself a favor...don't google it. It's rather scary. A spine collapsing when you turn over in bed. Good grief. It DOES make me want to listen to my chiropractor who on my last visit was really harping on the need for him to do an xray. I was kind of brushing him off because I don't have money, but maybe he can incorporate treatment for this.

I'll keep you posted on my endocrinologist visit. I know they don't specialize in reproductive endocrinology, but maybe they have some tips or know how for POF. Can't hurt to ask, right?

In the mean time, I did look up a site that offers holistic methods for increasing bone strength and reducing bone loss. Check it out here. It talks about several herbs that can be used so I'll talk this over with my TCM on the next visit to see if they can add some of these into my mix. This site also stressed the importance of balance and coordination exercises to prevent falls that cause fractures in the first place so makes me want to be more proactive about setting aside time for yoga and pilates and like I spoke about in a past blog, I need to be more vigilant to set aside time to do cardio exercise and weight bearing exercise. The good thing is, I've already cut caffiene and alcohol (aside from an occasional drink) out and I've never smoked.

I am going to talk to my doctor about using NTX testing which is not an xray but a blood draw that shows the current absorption rate of your bones. I also need to speak with the endocrinologist about a few more hormonal levels.

I've been concentrating on my estradiol and FSH, but for bone health, I need to be looking at testosterone, progesterone, DHEA, IGF-1, D3 in addition to the estraiol. He has a good chart for telling the ideal numbers. I know I've touched on DHEA on the past and said I wasn't comfortable taking it, but that was not knowing my DHEA numbers and not being monitored. Under an endocrinologist care, I'm open to discussing supplementing that with him or her.

Who would've thunk I'd be dealing with osteopenia / osteoporosis talk as a 35 year old woman, right? Isn't this an old lady disease? Then again, never thought I'd be told I was menopausal before my 35th birthday.

Like I say with the POF diagnosis. No thanks. I'll use this information to make smart choices going forward and trust with knowledge brings power to change my situation.

God bless.

National Infertility Awareness Week and Going Public with POF

This week, April 19-25 (or 20-26 depending on what site you reference) is National Infertility Awareness Week. I'm doing something a year and a half ago I thought I was incapable of. Coming forward publicly. I'm still writing this blog anonymously so I'm able to digest, rationalize, whine, be raw and honest, and live in "real time" all my trials and tribulations without censoring myself, but this is the letter below I crafted to put on to Facebook to "come out of the closet." 

I'm nervous how people will react and bracing myself for any harsh words and criticism, but after praying about it, I think there are many more women and men living in the shadows who can hopefully benefit by transparency on the matter. You've my permission to share my story or blog with others you think need some encouragement.

If you want to "come out" yourself here are some banners for Facebook. For those of you NOT struggling but want to show your support, you can go here to put a small ribbon on your profile pic.

Well, here goes. This is my announcement I will publish tomorrow... Wish me luck...

"This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. For a year and a half, I’ve carried a secret. A dark, painful secret. We are one in eight couples, we struggle with infertility.

A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) and I was told I was irreversibly infertile. I was told my ovaries did not work, nor would they ever work again. I was told I would never be able to conceive without a donor egg, and my hormones were so atrocious, I would never even be able to ovulate. My hormones were that of a 120 year old post menopausal woman.

My world, crashed. For anyone who knows me, my greatest joy, is my son. I’ve been blessed with one incredible child, but having that choice taken away to have another child, that innate right as a living being, dashed, left me devastated. Even down to single cell organisms, their purpose is to reproduce and propagate life. For those who chose not to, it is by choice. To have it taken, it hurts.

I was mad, hurt and I felt isolated. Most of all, I felt broken. The painful part of infertility is, your head can tell you one thing, but your heart says another. I didn’t feel like a woman anymore. I didn’t feel in control.  I felt like I was spiraling, and it was humbling to realize I had absolutely no control, over my body, my emotions, nothing. I felt ashamed I’d taken away my husband’s opportunity to be a father again, guilty I’d taken away my son’s right as a brother. My husband and I did the only thing we knew we could do, we turned to God and leaned on each other.

Each time I debated coming forward or sharing our journey with someone outside the small group of support we had, I got scared. The internet, although a safe haven for me during my darkest hours reading blogs of people coping and through various online support communities is also very cruel. Infertility is treated as a flippant condition full of narcissistic silly people. So, I got scared.

Scared I’d be ridiculed for choosing to pursue holistic treatment versus a lifetime of medication within the confines of Western medicine. Scared I’d be criticized for not being “grateful” enough for the one son I had and being told I was selfish for wanting more children. Scared I’d get well intentioned, unsolicited advice for how to treat or build our family.  With POF, you either have no eggs, or the pathways that recruit and grow follicles are disrupted so there is no “treatment.” There is no IVF.

Scared I’d be reminded to be happy or relieved I don’t have something serious like cancer. I know I don’t and thank God for that. But, demeaning any pain I feel still hurts, no matter how insignificant it looks from the outside. Reminding me to be grateful for the health I have in a moment of despair makes the guilt I already feel over feeling bad only magnified, because I already know how lucky I am and I’m grateful. I am.

Scared I’d be told I was narcissistic for not “just” adopting, which is easier said than done. I’ll let you in on a little secret. It’d not “just” that easy. It’s invasive, time consuming, expensive and there is often a lot of red tape and heartbreak. Most times people are exploring that option, so cut them a little slack. Contrary to public opinion, there aren’t babies lying around waiting for families. Each child that is born, thousands more parents wait to be picked as parents, both foreign and domestic.

Children waiting within the system often times need families with unique sensitivities and training to accommodate medical or psychological needs, which is incredibly rewarding, but adoptive parents need to be honest with themselves regarding their abilities and desires. Other children waiting come with large sibling sets, so a waiting family sometimes has to be willing to adopt three, four or five children at a time. All rewarding and certainly a blessing for these families, but something to be entered into with careful consideration and with your heart wide open.

You see, unless you’ve walked the walk, there’s so much you can’t understand. Infertility is an emotional and raw journey. It deals with the most intimate acts between spouses and for that reason, often whispered about in the shadows. It’s raw because it deals with real pain where you are left to grapple with decisions about your family, your livelihood.

Infertility can be expensive, and add strain to a marriage. Treatments typically aren’t covered, and in my case, my care wasn’t either because my condition was a result of “infertility.” I couldn’t even meet with a doctor who was familiar with my condition (which is too rare for the average OBGYN to be knowledgeable in it) because they were all considered “fertility” doctors and my insurance wouldn’t even cover a consult, let alone care or fertility options.

There are real physical limitations to infertility. With my condition, I left the doctor’s office with a projected 5-10 year shortened lifespan. An almost guarantee of osteoporosis and a very real heightened risk of stroke, heart disease and cancer. I would also struggle with symptoms such as night sweats, hot flashes, low libido, brain fog, extreme mood swings, bloat, and insomnia.  Imagine going through menopause…for 20 years. Diseases like PCOS and endometriosis and many others related to infertility also come with their own set of physical setbacks.

After a year and a half, with my husband by my side, I’ve decided to come forward with my journey. Why? Because. I was the one in the shadows before. I was scared. I was alone. I was weak. I was emotional. I want to let people who are struggling with this know they are not alone, and for others, I hope to offer a subtle reminder why compassion, understanding and acceptance is so important. Those with infertility don’t want pity. They don’t want suggestions. They don’t want scorn or judgment.

Over the last year and a half, I’ve grown. My health condition has made us take a serious look at our lives. POF is often times a result of chemotherapy, cancer treatments, autoimmune diseases or a genetic condition. My POF is unexplained.  Different doctors theorize it may have been in utero damage that stopped my egg production, or more probably environmental toxins and stress.

I credit everything to my Lord and Savior for giving me strength when I was weak and healing during my darkest hours. With prayer and consideration, I’ve explored Traditional Chinese Medicine and treat with prescribed herbs, acupuncture, chiropractic care, supplements, essential oils and a lot of meditation and prayer. We eat organically and whole foods, ridded our house of harmful chemicals and I started making our cleaners and personal care products. I’m monitored by my doctor with bone density scans and hormonal testing every six months or so. My decision came from not wanting to mask or treat symptoms of my disorder for the rest of my life, which would give temporary relief, but heal my body as a whole and support it’s functioning on its own.

I am asymptomatic now and my hormones have improved. Although I fluctuate between perimenopausal and menopausal, the greatest odds I’ve been given to date is a conception odds of one in a million. In fact, the last doctor I met with, said my labs were so bad, that his guess is I had this condition for years and Reed was my miracle of miracles, my one in a million.

My “healing” thus far has astounded doctors. I cycle on my own occasionally, something they said was impossible, and my estrogen level of “0” is now within low “normal” ranges. I whole heartedly believe our bodies are miraculous and their healing capabilities are beyond the scope of medical understanding. I believe God is capable of all healing and miracles.

My husband and I are on a wait list for embryo adoption, have started the process of foster to adopt and are still optimistic of another miracle through natural conception.  We trust the Lord completely that our child or children will come just the way they were intended and we will rejoice to welcome that blessing or blessings into our home, completing our family. For the time being, we enjoy every moment with our boy who brings immense joy into our lives.

To all my friends out there who struggle in the shadows, my thoughts, my prayers and all the love I can muster surround you. You are not alone and I promise I will walk this journey along side you if you need a hand to hold. Stay strong. God Bless."

Foster to Adopt

April 28, 2015

Well, it's official. The first meeting has been completed and my portion of our application is filled out. We are applying to foster to adopt. I'm a bundle of nerves and emotions preparing for potential heartbreak, but relinquishing to God's control and timing.

My husband stayed home with our son while I went to the meeting to do reconnaissance. At first, I thought it had been cancelled because at 9:50, I was still the only one there for a 10 am start. A few minutes later a couple arrived and then one man whose wife it turns out was home with his children. The woman from the agency arrived just in the knick of time.

She was a warm and very knowledgeable woman who walked us through the steps one by one. She was also very patient to listen to all my bazillion questions and what if scenarios. I was glad one other man there had questions and soon began to chime in because I felt like I was monopolizing the whole event.

A foster / adoptive mom was also there to share her experience with the process. It was helpful to get her perspective and I fear she was a bit more doom and gloom relaying experiences people within her support group have had, but the reality of it all is important to consider.

Without going into too much detail, the process can take up to 18 months to 2 years on average to finalize an adoption. My mind was reeling how I could possible "give up" "my" child after that amount of time, but when they broke down the logistics it wasn't as overwhelming and scary. Although, no matter how you look at it, it'd be a tremendous amount of heartbreak and grief.

There are two basic facets to the process. The foster side, which reunification is almost a guarantee and the adoptive side which means the bio family situation is very tumultuous. A family has 18 months to get their act together or for a relative to step in before their rights are terminated. That seems like forever to a foster family looking to adopt, but it's broken up into six month sections.

The first 6 months, the biological family, most times, the bio mom is all who is in the picture (there is exception of course, but I will refer to the bio mom as primary caregiver from here on out) has to do x,y and z. Many times rehab, counseling, leaving an abusive relationship, get a job or housing, and visit her children. If the bio mom does x,y,z there is a strong indication that there will be complete reunification.

If bio mom does none of these, it's a good indication the adoption will proceed on down the line, but she still has that next six months to turn things around. If she does not, all assistance for her to get her act together (bus tokens, counseling, government assistance) goes away and it's of her own accord to piece her life back together. If that does not occur by 18 months, her rights are terminated and an adoption can proceed. How fast that progresses is at the discretion of the courts.

All these times are approximate and there are always extenuating circumstances, but this was an example of a typical scenario. So, long story short, most times it's rather apparent early on if you have to ready your heart to say goodbye to the baby or child in your care. Still, let's be honest, no easy task.

The woman speaking was very honest about the situation many children are in. Most of them are malnourished, lagging in development from lack of stimulation and attention, some are abused and almost all neglected in some way. She said even newborns are often all of the above from lack of prenatal care and often times drug addictions, which is one of the major reasons newborn infants are taken into the foster system. Most newborns are premature.

She did say that once you remove the negativity and plant them in a thriving and loving environment with good and adequate nutrition and care, most children within a year or two are meeting their age appropriate milestones in development and social situations.

The certification process can take as little as several months to as long as we basically want it to. Once the application is turned in, background checks need to be done and the training begins. 18 hrs of foster training are required so you can learn how to deal with children's emotional, physical and psychological needs who are in the system. It also deals with how to deal with biological parents, expectations and how to prepare to give a child back, often times into a situation you know is not ideal.

First Aid, CPR and water safety are another requirement. Then comes the home assessment. A social worker comes into your home and susses out your family dynamic. All children or adults living there are interviewed. Your house is gone through with a fine tooth comb down to minute details like every item in your pantry must not be expired by even a day.

The thing I like about this agency is there are 2-3 home visits and the social worker really works with you to brainstorm how to fix things. He or she doesn't just dock you for not having outlet covers and say too bad for you. They make suggestions, look at alternative ways of storing things or locking things away and reevaluate once you make the changes.

All in all, a very valuable day. I gave my husband the info when I got home as he was hustling out the door to work. On his way he called me and we figured out our personal references. Two knew of our struggles, two did not. My boss did not either, but I called her to give her a heads up they'd be calling to verify my work. She shared she'd be happy to give a glowing reference as well and was thrilled for us. Turns out three of her nieces and nephews were adopted through foster to adopt as a sibling set.

As of now, we're entering into this both feet forward. I'm bracing myself for a wild ride. Both the adoptive mom and woman in charge said it's like a roller coaster. Once you finish the process of being certified, buckle up because it's going to get rocky. We could get a call anytime day or night for a child and they could show up with a baby and diaper bag in hand. You need diapers? Hustle to the store. Need formula? Hustle to the store. Clothes? Hustle to the store (or in our case, they'll be in boy clothing, boy or girl for a few days) ;)

My husband and I need to sit down and discuss what ages we are willing to take, any sibling sets and what qualities we absolutely will not accept. As of now, my only quality I will not is sexually aggressive. I have a small toddler and I will not stand for him to be in any situation to be abused sexually. Although my husband and I have to agree on an age, in the meeting I told her 0-2. My son has always been the oldest and I don't think it's fair to change the pecking order on him overnight. I want him to have the opportunity to be a big brother. May we reevaluate that or think twice if there is a sibling set, sure, but I feel pretty strongly about that. I think things like aggressiveness with a child as young as 0-2 can be redirected. Maybe I'll feel differently throughout the training.

It was a very educational, somewhat intimidating and rewarding day. I caught myself thinking if I got pregnant is this something I'd want to pursue, and the answer is, I think so. Maybe not during the same time as my pregnancy, but in the future, absolutely. I really do feel a calling. I think a child would bless our home, and I would hope we can be a blessing of stability and love for a child who needs it.

God bless!

Acu update and Embryo Adoption 101

April 9, 2015

Back to my TCM today. My pulses were good. Like, good. Not, meh, good for me, but normal. My left side was a tad weaker, but after my acupuncture session he said it was nice and strong. I told him about my no herbs theory and he wasn't too keen on it. He said, if I had to choose between one or the other to do herbs. I reminded him how he said I always responded so well to acupuncture and he said yes, but that is a temporary fix, herbs build long term strength in my body. Read between the lines...a lifetime of taking them. Sigh. I did manage to get a discount on the herbs. $10 off, but hey, $10 off.

I'm toying with the idea of asking for a month long herb concoction (remember, I only do every other day so that's only a two week prescription) and just getting acupuncture when I go for a refill once a month. I really have to sit with this though because up until now, my uterus and ovaries have not only done well, but great. They are normal size and I can't help but credit adequate blood flow as part of the reason. So many woman with POF don't even have ovaries anymore. They can shrivel up like raisins. This, I want to avoid. My ultimate goal (of course is to get a nice plum egg out of them) but long term, to keep them healthy and producing hormone on their own.

It's funny. In the midst of all my moving forward on EA, I find I'm growing more and more certain of my own body being able to ovulate, conceive and carry. I really feel the Lord at work. My body has grown so much stronger just over the course of these past few weeks.

I also tried out a gym, and I have to say, I love it. I went two nights after I read my son stories for bedtime. I did a Zumba class and a pilates class. It was fun to meet up with my friend. It was a nice adult time out with a friend, which I think is so important and has been lacking in my life, but also great for my body. I really can't help but wonder if my problems are exacerbated by the fact, I'm not getting my heart pumping as much any more. Yes, I walk, chase my son, do little things here and there, but before he was born I worked out everyday for an hour. Usually hikes, brisk walks or some sort of dance type aerobics.

If I can get the blood pumping and work on more strength training, I think that will only be beneficial, not only to long term health but getting blood to my reproductive organs. It's an added expense every month, but I'm starting to feel a legitimate one that I need. Both physically, and emotionally. I get so stressed, so so stressed, and I find just working out really helps. I know that. I've always known that, but I know think the membership fee is well worth it. And, like I said, a bit of adult time with friends a few nights a week...so worth it. They've a kid's program there as well for $10 a month. Basically, it includes care for my son for two hours every day. Even if I just used that a few times a month, well worth the $10.

My sister-in-law text me with a bunch of questions about embryo adoption and I said I'd email her all about it, but I figured why not put it here. I'm sure a lot of people have questions. Here goes, my embryo adoption 101.

The term embryo adoption is a bit of a misnomer as it isn't a "technical adoption." To adopt, would mean it's a "life" and without getting into all the logistics and politics of it, some people are uncomfortable viewing it that way.

Aside from some double donor programs (there is a donor egg and donor sperm - one with extremely high success rates if you go this route is California Conceptions with a price tag of about $12,000 for three cycles, but most people qualify for a full refund if all three are unsuccessful) the embryos are not "created" for the people adopting or receiving the donor embryos. Most are left over from IVF cycles. Left over? Well, when people go through IVF there are normally some left over embryos. Example, a woman has 15 eggs retrieved. Maybe 13 fertilize. By day 3, perhaps 10 remain growing and there are 8 left by day 5. Most women have 1 or 2 embryos implanted. That means she would have 6 or 7 remaining. These are frozen.

If a couple decides they are done having children they have options. Leave the embryos on ice (which can get extremely expensive paying $700 or so a year to keep them frozen), donate them to science, destroy them or donate them. For many people, having strived for so long with fertility issues of their own, they can't fathom destroying their embryos so decide to bless a couple who cannot conceive with these potential little blessings.

There are several ways to pursue embryo adoption. One, you can hire an agency. This is most like a normal adoption. Potential donors can pick you as the adoptee. You must complete a home study as in traditional adoption. This is the most expensive route. Many agencies charge fees up to $8000 and when you add in home studies, legal documents, shipping and the fees for the FET (frozen embryo transfer) and medications, it ends up being the same price as many traditional adoptions. The bummer is, the federal tax credit does not apply in this case as it's not considered a true adoption.

Another method of pursuing embryo adoption is a private match. There are various websites out there where you an advertise you are looking and like above, a donating family can find you. Some of these too require home studies. You can also advertise in various forums and groups (I'm on one on Facebook) for potential matches. With this you would hire an attorney to do the legal paperwork, arrange for shipping of the embryos and do the transfer at the clinic of your choosing, or travel to the clinic the embryos are at. Some clinics however charge coordinating or administrative fees for using outside donors. One clinic, the one I met with charges more for the coordinating fee than the FET itself.

The last method of embryo adoption is more aptly coined embryo donation program. It is within the clinic itself. As people's storage comes due and they don't want to keep paying, they release the embryos to the clinic. Most are anonymous donations and go to the next person in line. Some people receiving embryos have certain criteria (a certain minority for example that they want.) Some donors I'm sure have criteria as well. I've seen some want certain religions for example.

The adopting couples do know some information about the donors. If open, you can get to know the couple as much as you want. Semi-open there is usually some degree of communication as well. For closed anonymous donation type scenarios, there is usually a stat sheet with the physical description, ethnic background and medical background of the donating couple as well as most times an embryology report that lists if there was genetic testing and the amount and grades of each of the embryos. The grading scale is too complex for me to go in here, but here's a website that breaks it down in case you want to learn more.

Here is a link to Day 3 grading. And, here is a link to Day 5 grading.

Some clinics prefer day 3, some day 5. It really depends on the clinic you choose and the health of the embryos. I briefly asked at the clinic I went to, and they said sometimes they prefer day 3 if the embryo is advanced and ready to break out of the shell. In that case, they transfer earlier to avoid it arresting before day 5. I've heard other people say their clinics wait through day 5 once it officially is a blastolyst because they think the more advanced it is in development, the stronger it is and it increases the likelihood of attaching and developing properly. The argument for day 5 is, you never know if a day 3 embryo will arrest by day 5 once in you. The flip side is, do they arrest because they aren't in the environment to grow. It all comes down to how much you trust your doctor to advise you.

Most times, assisted hatching is used before transfer. This is to ensure the embryo is able to break out of it's shell. I've read that freezing an embryo before it hatches can thicken the shell which is why a lot of clinics suggest using this technology. Other clinics ensure they are hatched before freezing thinking it optimizes the chances of a successful live birth after transfer. Again, find a doctor you can trust. The assisted hatching is a small laser cut in the shell. It's brief and precise and does not harm the embryo.

All off the above can be open, semi-open or closed adoptions. It is illegal to buy an embryo or request money for one. It IS legal to ask that the adopting family pay your legal fees, storage or transportation of the embryo. If anyone EVER asks you for money for their embryo report them.

Traditionally, EA IVF is cheaper than normal IVF. I say traditionally because if you go through an agency, you could end up paying more in fees. The procedure itself however is much cheaper. The reason is you are just doing a frozen embryo transfer. You do not have to stimulate the ovaries or have eggs retrieved and it requires far less monitoring. You are just doing the last step of what would be involved in the IVF cycle which is putting the embryo in.

There is however more prep with medications to prepare your body for transfer from what I understand because you are creating the environment to be ready for transfer which does require weekly monitoring to ensure your endometrial lining is the correct thickness. IVF cycles average about $12,400 according to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. This fee does not include medications and there may be additional cost with ultra sounds, mock transfers and freezing and storing left over embryos.

A FET cycle seems to range between $3000-$5000. It's important to realize that this, as well as with IVF, does not always include everything like assisted hatching, mock transfers, consults, refreezing and it does not include any medications which can range from $1000-$3000 depending on what you need. Something else to keep in mind are the legal documents (some require you hire an attorney, some anonymous donations just require a notarized document saying you are accepting them.) Some clinics require FDA testing on the embryos, some don't unless it's donor egg or sperm. Some clinics don't include ultra sounds or pregnancy testing.

Ask a lot of questions regarding every kind of possible fee or out of pocket cost. If we do an EA through our clinic, procedures I anticipate will cost around $4200 with medications a few thousand on top of that. FDA testing would be anywhere between $400-$1000 from what I hear (if it hasn't been done) and depending on the situation if I have to hire a lawyer, or just do a notarized transfer, legal bills. For me, I'd also have to do a round of testing ahead of time, as you would with a traditional IVF of STD testing and thyroid functions to ensure the meds will be ok. This, I can have ordered through insurance, so the cost won't be as high as through a clinic. Still much cheaper than DE IVF (with a price tag between $20,000-$40,000) and traditional adoption around $25,000.

Is your head spinning yet? Mine sure was. There are a lot of great websites out there to learn more and answer your questions. If you ever consider it, please message me. I will add you to an outstanding support group to learn more on Facebook. I feel like I've learned far more through women's personal experiences than trying to navigate this alone.

As always, God Bless. Stay strong. Have faith. Always.

Bone Scan

April 15, 2015

Just a quick update...

Yesterday, I went in for my bone scan. As many of you know osteoporosis is a huge concern within the POF community. Thankfully, after hearing absolute horror stories of how so many of your insurance companies wouldn't allow you scans because you weren't 65 years old yet (the age "normal" women start getting them) I had no problem at all. My OBGYN just had to put a lab request in and it was actually a "no charge" service under my health plan because it was considered preventative.

They did ask me over the phone, and in person if I was pregnant and I had to give my obligatory no (and I did take a test to make sure before I went.) It's really a quick and easy process. I laid on a table and they had an xray on top that scanned by hips and spine. They use two different x-rays to gather the probability of an osteoporosis based fracture in the next 10 years.

The technician said joking, yours will I'm sure be 0 because you are so young. I had to grimace and say, "yes, well, I'm here because I have premature ovarian failure, so although I look young, my body is menopausal." I couldn't help but see her shock. "But, you're so young!!"

"Yeah, crappy hand, huh?"

At least I could joke about it. I should have my results back in about a weeks time she said. The labs won't be posted online, but sent directly to my doctor, so I don't know how long it will take to get them from her. I'll keep you posted.

My hands off approach has been good for my mental and physical (read, emotional!!) health. I'm doing pretty good. I've a mad new passion for essential oils, which I'll have to write about in another post because it'd be a long one and have made some progress in the EA process. Again, another post for another day.

Just a reminder to all my POF sisters out there, be religious about your calcium, vitamin D and magnesium!!

God Bless!

By His Wounds You Have Been Healed

April 3, 2015

I have been humbled by the support you all have shown me. I got several messages of women going through POF who could relate to my struggles, despair and frustration. Thank you.

My mom, who reads my blog, text me that it could very well have been an in utero issue, which sent me into a tailspin panic that she somehow read I blamed her for all of this. We chatted and she knows I don't :) Love you mom! She did say however that I was born with a branchial clef sinus (kind of alike a breathing gill that didn't close) as well as no enamel on my baby teeth. Both of these were issues that had to do with in utero.

From what I could find, around week 18 it says ovaries with eggs have formed, but I'm not sure if that is when it is complete, or it all develops around that time. Around 28 days (six weeks in pregnancy terms) in utero tooth buds are formed and by eight weeks all the tooth buds of baby teeth are complete. Mineralisation starts to occur around week 14 and completes around birth. By twenty weeks permanent teeth start to develop. As far as the branchial clef sinus, I could only find that around 5 weeks major head and neck structures develop. How long they develop and when they should close, I do not know. Anyway, all interesting things.

She was a teacher so she said IF that is what happened, we'll blame her germy first grade children she was teaching that year.

I have to tell you, I have a wonderful group of mommies that I've been friends with online since being pregnant with my son. Over the last three years, we've supported each other through, deaths, miscarriages, new jobs, infertility and about every single thing you can imagine. I told them the results of my appointment, and within minutes two local women had offered me their eggs and one said she had been talking to her husband for some time about my diagnosis offered me her frozen embryos. To say I was stunned, humbled and emotional is an understatement.

I told the two women who offered their eggs that it was a painful process and I could never ask that anyone do that on my behalf. The woman who messaged me about giving me her embryos, I was speechless. She is currently pregnant now and I said as touched as I was, until she and her husband knew for sure they were done with children, I couldn't possibly accept. I asked that we revisit this over the course of the next year. I would never forgive myself if I took two of her embryos and they decided they wanted more children and her remaining ones didn't thaw properly, or I got pregnant and she didn't... Just the offer was so beautiful and it really made me grateful for all those mommas out there who have been so supportive. It made me feel like if that is a route we go, God will provide. I trust our baby or babies will come to us with ease.

As I reread my post from the other night, I want to be clear, I'm not "giving" up. I'm giving over. God is taking care of me. God is healing me. I feel like it's significant that here, on Good Friday, I am finally relinquishing control. God sent his only son to die on a cross for us. To take away our sins. To take away our diseases. To heal us.

1 Peter 2:24

He Himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. 

By His wounds you have been healed.

As we approach Easter trust...By HIS wounds YOU have been healed. Amen to that.

One in a million

April 1, 2015

The funny, funny ha ha of this day has not slipped past me, but there are no jokes in this post.

As I was pulling into the appointment my husband called to tell me he got our tax info and we owed $4000. What?!?!?? That is incredulous! You are kidding me! How is that even possible? We don't have any money? Every single cent we earned last year went to bills. Everything. Apparently all the thousands I spent on medical bills and appointments don't count for anything because it was under our $12,400 married filing jointly deduction so it doesn't matter if I spent $12,399, we get the same deduction as someone who spent $0. Since I'm self employed, I was slammed with a double tax (as I always am) but I'd honestly thought our medical bills would offset some of this.

I did go through out claim with a fine tooth comb and found our accountant didn't include my husbands car deduction and our fee for paying him last year. I'm hoping those two deductions can bring it down a tad, but $4000??? And that doesn't count what we owe in quarterlies in two weeks. I want to bury my head in the sand.

So, basically, I am an emotional wreck and holding back tears walking IN to my appointment. Lovely. Fast forward to the 45 minutes I waited to see the doctor. Big ball of emotional tears. As I was ushered in, the doctor was very polite, and I could tell right away he was a nice guy. A nice guy who was about to give me bad news.

He asked a few questions and asked "Do you know what the high FSH means." Yes, doctor, yes I do. He laid out the aging egg document and basically told me the whole speech again. I have no eggs, need a donor, blah blah blah

I asked him if it was possible that I HAD eggs, but there was some sort of interruption between my brain, hormonal path, etc that was preventing the ovaries from stimulating them and he said, basically, yes, anything is possible. Shy of cutting my ovaries open and looking, they'd never know. I could have thousands of eggs, or no eggs.

He then told me about some experimental procedures they are developing for people with POF. That, I was happy to hear. He told me they are about a year out from some breakthrough new procedures. I should add these are not done within the United States. He mentioned Canada, Panama and he is actually responsible for opening a clinic in Singapore in the next year or so.

You can check these procedures out at www.ovascience.com Basically he spoke to me about two procedures. One is called Augment. In this procedure, which IS available now abroad, they take out eggs from within the ovary. They then stimulate the ovaries and harvest the mature eggs, but use the mitochondria from the eggs from within the ovary to make them better quality. This procedure would not work with a patient with POF because it isn't possible to stimulate the ovaries.

The other procedure, which is said should be releasing by the end of 2015 (internationally) or beyond is OvaPrime. In this procedure, they actually harvest a piece of your ovary. They take the eggs from within and transfer them back into the woman on to her ovaries where they can then be stimulated during the IVF process. In theory, it should help a woman who has low egg reserve increase her egg count because eggs that were not being "recruited" before will be.

He has no clue when these procedures will be offered in the US because of the FDA. I was happy to hear that there is work being done to reverse the problem with diminished egg reserve. Now, if only they can work on curing POF. Again, as with so many issues I have with the current medical system, there is research in place to alleviate symptoms (there's money there) and research in place to do IVF (there's money there) but I still have yet to hear treatment how to restore full ovarian and hormone function (no money there.)

I inquired how he thought it was possible I got POF after having just conceived so easily since I have no autoimmune or genetic markers. He said his best guess was I either had a low egg count to start because of something that happened in utero; either a toxin my mom came into contact with or a sickness she got at the exact moment eggs were forming in me as an embryo that stalled the process, or something that happened to me during the pregnancy that basically threw off my body's communication system hormonally. He said most times it comes from chemo or serious surgery scarring that disrupts the system. I didn't get into the whole environmental toxin / stress theory.

He did also say that it is extremely possible that I had few eggs before and we by some great miracle caught one. He said my son could have very well been my one in a million and a miracle of miracles.

We then proceeded to the internal ultra sound. He said that my uterus looked good, very little "activity" because of low estrogen. He then found my ovaries. One had no follicles to be found. The other he found one dark spot that "could" be a follicle but it didn't look circular like most follicles are. So, basically, I have one "maybe" follicle. His whole ultra sound was about 60 seconds long. I was then instructed to get dressed and meet him and the nurse coordinator in a different room.

When I walked in, he sympathetically told me that my best option was DE IVF. I told him it was out of the question. "Is it the money? We have options to get the price down using frozen eggs. Only around $17-$20,000 plus meds." If I wasn't holding back tears, it would have been laughter. Um, no. "Ok, because a typical DE IVF would be around $30,000-$40,000."

Good grief. I told him if we do anything it'd be embryo adoption. I inquired if their clinic has embryos and he told me, yes, a ton, but not good quality. If they were going to do it, they'd want some exceptional embryos to come available. I asked to be wait listed and he said I could give my criteria to the nurse. Criteria? What we wanted them to look like, their education, etc. Well, I don't care. I just want a healthy baby. Well then, our wait would be far less. He said if minority wasn't a concern for us, they could definitely find us an embryo.

Next, he gave me a warm hug and excused himself and the nurse told me what it would all entail. Basically, when embryos came available, I'd have to have all the STD screenings done as well as thyroid and CBC and various blood tests. Next, I'd have to do a saline sonogram and mock trial. What this is, is they insert saline into your uterus so it blows up and he can examine it for polpys, scars, etc. The mock transfer is him measuring and inserting the equipment to see how far back he'd drop the embryos.

If I wasn't cycling on my own at this point, they'd put me on birth control to prime my uterus and then induce a period. The Sono and mock would be between day 7-11. The transfer itself would entail a lot of medication. Estrogen shots would be started (I believe) five weeks ahead of time. As I got to the "ovulation" timing I'd start the progesterone shots as well. Transfer would depend on a 3 day or 5 day frozen embryo would dictate. 12 days after transfer would be my pregnancy test and then I'd (hopefully) be relinquished to my doctor after two follow up blood draws to check betas.

After all this technical mumbo jumbo, the heart of the matter is, I'm pretty raw, drained and emotionally spent. The good news? My uterus looked good. When I asked him about my ovaries he said they were surprisingly large and he'd expected them to be tiny or shriveled. He credits the acupuncture for adequate blood flow (and the nurse encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing as she was astounded at how much better my labs have gotten in the span of a year.) They both agreed that if I keep doing what I'm doing I increase my odds of both a successful conception should a miracle occur or a successful transfer and pregnancy. If I'm ever lucky enough to go in full remission (or even part) my bits are still there and functioning so that gives me some hope.

I feel a deep sadness. I feel really upset and pissed that everything I've been doing to take care of myself hasn't worked better or faster. I feel like I was diagnosed all over again.

I really don't know how to proceed. After processing this all day, I've grown resolute that it is God's will what will be done. If this has taught me anything it's that I cannot control this one bit. I've taken care of myself holistically and health wise and my ovaries and uterus still appear healthy so I'll chalk that up for a win. My husband and I had a good talk when I got home. Basically, we trust God will bring our baby to us. I don't know if that will be the "natural" way or through an embryo or adoption. I am just praying that He provide a sign or answer that is undeniable. I am full of doubt, fear and questioning everything and I honestly can't deal with any half truths or ideas.

A small part of me finds a bit of comfort to relinquish the reigns. I've tried so had mentally, physically and emotionally to "will" it to happen. Now, I can just let go. When I got home I put away my thermometer. I don't have OPKs anymore, I never reordered them. I've decided, at least for now to discontinue my Chinese herbs when I run out because it's just too much money. I will keep with acupuncture and chiropractic care as that's imperative for my longevity and health. My supplements and essential oils I'll keep to nourish my body to help avoid HRT. If the lack of herbs is a detriment I'll possibly start again in the future.

For now, I am really turning my focus to enjoy my family and son, my miracle of miracles, and to spend time on working out again (I really want to join a gym) and my acting career. I was blessed enough last week to be on set and I've missed it so. It really fulfills me and I've been lacking in that area for so long.

I am 100% giving it to God to let me know when the timing is right and in what way our child will come.

God Bless.