TCM, Acupuncture and EA

Aug. 22, 2015

I had an update from my coordinator the other day for EA. Not a huge update, but she reiterated the embryos were still ours and she was just waiting on the donors to say how anonymous they wanted to be. At my prodding she said we could be cycling in October. I'm not sure how accurate that is because we have a lot of steps in the mean time, but at least I'm on her radar.

I did have my TCM appointment. My pulses weren't quite as bad as I expected them to be, especially having been sick the week prior. They said they were a little hard to find, but once they found them, not awful. They were of course WAY better AFTER my acupuncture session.

She did the double whammy on me again this time. The back and the front. I have a feeling they really, really want to see some progress with me. They also told me I need to make sure to do my herbs twice a day, I need to gain a bit of weight and increase my activity. That makes sense. I know on my "work" days I sit behind a computer for ten hours basically, so I need to take a few breaks. Even if that means sprinting up and down the stairs a few times. I need to increase circulation. Blood pumping does a body, and a reproductive system good.

I took another test and of course that same faint line was there. Drat you line! I always wanted to see a line when I was TTC before, but now I want none or a big fat bold dark pink line! Since I felt like I was in the all clear I took my laptop into the bathroom for another V-steam while my son was at school. This time was a bit more relaxing, even with my work deadlines.

After my steam, I did my castor oil pack for an hour. I plan to do this little combo weekly until a positive or a transfer is lined up. Other than that, I'm feeling ok. I had started getting horrid night sweats when I was sick, but I'm happy to report they are gone since I've gotten better :) Whew! I'll keep slathering up in my oils and taking my supplements.

Life is good though otherwise. We had a wonderful family day at a local family sports and health event. We plant to grill out, have a drink (hey, one good thing about not being preggo, right??) and enjoy the evening.

Keep the faith and God bless!

Update WAY overdue

Aug. 17, 2015

Wow!

I feel like my blog is way, way overdue. I was out of town for a month and after returning swamped catching  up with everything. Where to start...?

Well, I guess the first place to start is to tell you that no, no, I have not had a period yet. I'm on CD 148 and still, apparently going strong. I was really sick last week with the fever, aches, headache, soar throat, the whole nine yards. Part of me thinks I got hand foot and mouth because I had about a dozen canker sores in my mouth. They cleared up fast, so maybe it was just part of whatever little bug I got.

I also did the V-Steam a few weeks ago. My review is here. I didn't go into great depth my experience as a whole while I was doing it because I was trying to keep it somewhat professional since I was reviewing a product, but here goes. I had the brilliant (note sarcasm here) idea to do the steam on a Sunday evening while my son was still awake. I thought I could quietly slip into the restroom with a *gasp* magazine. It sounded blissful.

So, I got my herbs a steamin', prepared the throne and got out some magazines to sit back and relax for an hour. About five minutes into it, my son starts pounding on the door, screaming bloody murder. No fear, his dad was here. I just heard him yelling "In here buddy. Leave mom alone." Um, come get him please. So the pounding continues and the crying gets louder. I'm a bit indisposed so I'm hollering to go play with his trash trucks and singing songs with him through the door.

My husband was able to wrangle him so I delve back into my magazine for about five more minutes. And, he returns. This time with a vengeance. I'd locked the door and he was trying desperately to get in. Trying to talk him down, I tried to open the door on my end thinking, "whatever, he can just come in." I just wanted to reach at least 35 minutes doing the steam. Problem is, the door is locked. Like, from the inside too. Um....

"Babe!!!" "Babe!!!" I keep yelling and nothing. Apparently, my husband has gone out to the garage. By this point my son is full throttle. And, I'm starting to panic. I'm stripped naked from the bottom down dripping from the steam, and we're both grasping at the door. Finally my husband comes in and thinks I'm joking. Um, no. So, he got the screwdriver and can't figure how to get it off. I'm trying to talk my son off the ledge through the door and trying desperately to realign the handle on my end so I can get out. Finally...success. He'd loosened the screws so loose, the handle misaligned and locked me in. We tightened that bad boy up.

You can read about all the awesome things it did in my review...I just had to share how unglamourous those final moments were. I'm thinking the next one will be when he's sound asleep or at daycare while I work. Not exactly releasing the inner goddess in me with a laptop working while I do it, but this goddess has to take it where she can get it.

I did go to a baby expo the other day. I was working at a booth, but I was baby crazy being there to say the least. All these brand new babies and pregnant mommas. These teensy tiny little clothes. Sooooo cute. While I was there, I did a Zyto scan at our booth wondering what it'd tell me this time. Third time, and again totally accurate.

Basically the only things out of whack for me was an oil recommended for estrogen imbalance and several for releasing negative emotions and people and a few for pursuing a dream. Estrogen out of whack? Clearly yes. Me hung up on negative relationships. Check. Me striving toward a dream. Check.

Not to get into too much detail, but I put forth too much effort in some relationships. I think we all do. I'm trying really hard to put my focus on people and positivity and just release all the negative crap. I was surprised the Zyto picked that up. It's something this past week I've really been struggling with and came to terms with. In the past, I've always told my husband "I won't sink to their level or change who I am." The reality is, I don't have to change the core of my being, I just don't have to put my focus there. Allowing myself to be negatively effected by people and things is what got me to this health crisis to start with, so *breathe in* *breathe out* I've released it.

The greater purpose? Again, long story short, my parents were kind enough to allow my husband and myself an overnight trip. Our conversation initiated as a fight because he was saying he wanted to move, that my acting career had been moving slow and he was sick of living paycheck to paycheck in the most expensive city it seemed on earth. Ok, lot of valid points there, but ouch! Instant tears and instant seething anger. It evolved into a very positive conversation though.

Once I explained his job takes him out of town five days a week leaving me absolutely no time to write my projects, run the workshops I use to do where I fostered all of my casting relationships, very little time to focus on any submissions or take meetings and left me scrambling to get my hours in for my "day job" after our son went to bed. It was really eye opening to me how frustrated I'd allowed myself to get and how stagnant I felt. Instead of celebrating my auditions, I was spending my energy panicked finding a sitter rather than focusing on the role.

We decided his looking for an in town job that will allow me to meet up with some writing partners to finally get the two ideas I have rolling. We also spit balled a few things off each other. I'm not sure I've mentioned it in here, but he's a Second City grad and very funny. We spent a few hours on the beach and went for a super long walk through the cemetery game planning and dreaming again. We used to spend hours every night walking and planning and talking.

Obviously, we haven't done that since our son was born, but it really reconnected the two of us. I felt like we were a couple again and had the same focus. He also got some clarity and is refocusing on commercial acting again once he can get in town employment. That was where he was successful before and I know he will be again. I think him being in town more will relieve some strain on our relationship and allow us to reconnect more.

It also really gave us some focus on all the fertility woes and the toll they've taken. We just feel so strongly things are going to work out. In my heart of hearts it just feels like things will work out with all the fertility treatments and transfers, but if that is our reality, that is God's plan and I know we'll be doubly blessed by it.

So, all in all, an extremely accurate Zyto. I'm always amazed at how those things work. Our bodies really are miraculous and intricate things, aren't they? It's amazing how negative thoughts or needing the extra confidence to lunge ahead...your body just knows what it needs.

Tomorrow is back to my TCM for herbs and acupuncture. I've been without herbs about a week and a half now. I stuck to my two a day the whole time I was back home with family. I had very few fertile signs there if any. I DID however get rather "fertile" after doing that V-steam. I've had on and off cramping and much more cervical mucus.

On a whim I took an OPK and it was extremely positive so I took a pregnancy test since I hadn't in about a month. It came back light positive. It didn't really excite me because, let's face it, light positives and I don't have a good history. I retook it four days later. Still light positive. So, my hormones were a bit whacky, but I was also sick, and I know my body goes haywire hormonally when I get sick. I'm hoping now that I'm better it will improve.

The thing that upset me about the fake positive was, it was pretty dark for a fake out. I feel stupid because I always let that "could it be" thought flash through my mind and then instantly chastise myself. Check it out. Top was last Monday, bottom was last Friday. I haven't checked since although I'm sure I will tomorrow before heading into acupuncture as a "just in case."

On the EA front, I'm getting a wee bit agitated. After three emails, our coordinator sent me a brief email saying the embryos were still ours, but she was out of the office and would check in tomorrow on how things were progressing. That was a week ago. I tried contacting her twice to see what she learned and try to request a rough time line of things.

Once we get the final green light, I still need to get medical tests done, we need to draw up a contract and figure out our course of action since I don't cycle. I know my TCM wants to do acupuncture weekly leading up for a few months as well.

So much to think about. Well, apparently since I haven't written in six weeks I just spewed it all at you in one looooooong blog entry. I'll try to write more often. If I have a few moments to do a TCM update I will later this week.

As always, God Bless.

EA and TCM

June 6, 2015

Well, big news yesterday!! Our clinic called and we have a probable match. All the fine details need to be worked out, but if all goes according to plan, we may be adopting three beautiful little embies come August or September.

A couple is donating 7 embryos, and they are splitting them, four to a couple ahead of us in line, and three to us. God was shining down, they are three fully hatched blasts that come from a donor egg situation and have all been genetically tested. The odds of hatched blasts? Slim. The odds of embryos from a healthy, young donor egg? Slim. The odds of genetically tested embryos? Slim. The odds of all three? Nearly impossible.

Why does this all excite me so? Here's a breakdown. When a couple does IVF, a certain percentage of the eggs fertilize. Of those, some go on the grow and by day three some have arrested. Of those, some of those typically arrest by day 5. Of those, some have cells that aren't grouped correctly or may not hatch. ALL of these are hatched.

Why am I excited it was a donor egg? Many couples who go through IVF have their own set of fertility issues. Some are from older women where the eggs may not be as young. As women age, there is a higher risk that there are genetic abnormalities in the eggs. A bleak statistic is 80-90% of eggs women over 40 have aren't "good eggs." You know how I feel about statistics. I throw that out the window. I think it has more to do with overall health, but the reality is, when you're in your 20s, your eggs are more healthy.

The genetically tested? That REALLY gets me excited because we've already ruled out most genetic issues the embryos could have. Most miscarriages are caused because the embryos have genetic issues that impede implantation or correct development. Knowing the embryos don't have those issues, increases the chances of a live, healthy birth significantly.

I'll keep you posted how all this unfolds. For now, it's an exciting possibility.

I went back to TCM today. As expected, my pulse was a bit wiry. They were concerned if I'd been dealing with some emotional things or was tired. Well, yes to both. My husband has been traveling five days a week and although I'm relieved and feel blessed for the work, anyone can tell you that leaves some pressures and stresses to the parent at home who also works full time. Is what it is. I'll just keep trying to relax.

They also stressed that I need to eat more. More fats. More proteins. So, I have to concentrate on that as well. The acupuncture itself was fine. I had to chuckle. I know I've talked about what a character my male doctor is. He came in midway through my session and said, "Emily, are you Mormon." You'd be surprised how often I get asked that! I said, "No, why?" "Just wondering," and he left.

I inquired after why he asked. My friend who introduced me to him is Mormon and he went on to tell me that he used to be Mormon. The missionaries in Taiwan were the ones who taught him English. I swear this man has done everything. Black belt, pizza restaurant owner, Ex-Mormon, now Buddhist chanter, meditator and acupuncturist TCM. I love his stories!

I told him about the EA and he was confused. He thought I was attempting IVF and was trying to tell me not to waste my money right now, I wasn't ready. Once he understood it wouldn't be my eggs, he said I should want my own child. Erm. Thanks for input. I laugh it off. It's generational and cultural. He DID say however that if we go that route, they can help us with the transfer and "holding" the baby there.

All in all, is what it is. I'm home, about to make a big ole protein smoothie and catch up with work before my son wakes from his nap.

I feel good about things though. I feel like there is no pressure. If we conceive, awesome. If not, knowing we have 3 possible embryos is exciting. My husband and I both knew right away this was right for us, because we were elated with the call. It's moving faster for us than they typical couple I imagine because we had no preference for ethnicity, so we jumped in front of quite a few waiting couples. For us, a healthy baby is our priority.

We'll see if my ovaries get antsy and make one last Hail Mary ;)

God Bless!

Biting the Bullet

May 28, 2015

Sorry, I feel like I've left you hanging! I haven't posted because there isn't a huge amount to update you on. I ended up spotting for about 10 days. Looking back at the period before the cycle I actually conceived my son I did the same thing. Interesting, knowing what I know now...

I guess the big news is, that on Monday, my husband approached me and said he wanted to actively pursue embryo adoption. We both had a nice talk and feel that if God wants to bless us with a biological child, it's his time. That could be while we wait, while we draw contracts, after the birth... We don't know, but we trust it. In the mean time, we both feel like this is a good opportunity for our family.

We had an open dialog about foster to adopt too. For many reasons, we've opted at this time to not pursue it. I'm a bit bummed, but realistically, we would have to commit to family meetings with the biological family for potentially 18 months several times a week which would require my not working (which we depend on.) My son now only goes to daycare 3 days (this is when I work) so if we tried to do visits his off days, the poor kid would have his schedule revolve around car rides and waiting around for our foster child's visits. I feel bad about restricting him to that. We love our time together.

The other thing is, and I admire my husband's honesty, he would not be able to be patient and lenient with the biological family without judgement. Fostering would require us keep their reunification at the forefront and to not speak badly of them in front of the child he felt would be challenging, but more to bite his tongue in front of them and when dealing with them. I appreciated his honesty. He's a very, say what you mean kind of guy, and as much as I love him, diplomacy isn't his forte.

I do so love the idea of foster to adopt though and we're still considering it as a future option. We've talked about potentially still doing the training now to see if our views change throughout it and if we are called to pursue it. I'll keep you posted.

So, that's where we're at. Still having faith, trudging along :)

God Bless!

Back to TCM

May 14, 2015

Well, today was back to TCM. My female half of the dynamic duo was back from China, and sadly, rather depressed. I think the full gravity of her father's passing has really hit her. She teared up several times during our session.

My pulses I gather were a bit weak today. She knew right off the bat I was dealing with some emotional things. They diagnosed it as depression. I know what that means for them. Stress, emotions, etc. They told me to "relax relax relax." That seems to be the motto that surrounds me whenever I visit. She did say my tongue looked good, so I guess my body overall is doing better.

I talked to them about my osteopenia diagnosis, low estrogen and trouble sleeping and asked them to brew help for all of the above into my magical herb concoction. My male TCM explained to me that they are really trying to fortify my kidney channel which would help all of the above. The kidney channel controls the ovaries, which control the estrogen, which controls the calcium in my bones. And all of the above help sleep.

Give me an extra dose of that, please.

During my acupuncture they put on a new music mix, which, apparently was suppose to be calming and therapeutic and it could not have been further from it. It was like a combo of Chinese music and an Irish jig. I laid there eyes wide open trying to stop my feet from doing the Riverdance on the table. When she came in to adjust my needles I tried to ask her to change it, but she didn't understand me and left. Ah well. I did mention to him when I was done that I prefer the other music. This one just made me want to dance.

I'm back tracking here to my chiropractor appointment this last Monday. I told him also about the osteopenia and he said he was glad I told him but was concerned if they were putting me on any medications. I told him no that I wanted to treat holistically, bracing myself for any backlash and he gave me the thumbs up and said "good for you. That stuff is nasty. Like, really bad for you."

I've been exploring how to raise my estrogen again. I've been doing more research on phytoestrogens. Although I'm still avoiding soy because it can wreak havoc on normal hormonal function, I'm trying to introduce a few phytoestrogens to see if a higher "estrogen" level in my body can help prevent osteoperosis and consequently lower my FSH enough to let me body take over hormone production.

Some of the phytoestrogen I've been using I believe has helped improve my estradiol levels. In my opinion, the shatavari root helps as well as some of the essential ols.

I feel like this is all a wait and see thing. Some will work. Some won't. And, it's important to remember that everybody's body chemistry is different so what works for me may not work for you.

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday and it feels a little bitter sweet to me. All the hub bub about fertility declining after 35 and throw on top of it I'm technically already post menopausal and it makes me feel like it's a lost cause...and then I regroup and say "Screw it. I reject the stupid diagnosis."

I guess what it all comes down to is faith. I was talking to my friend the other night (who just adopted the embryos) and she was asking me about our plans. I told her I just didn't know. I've been praying so hard for a clear definite sign and I've felt like my faith was lacking I hadn't gotten it yet. I said I was in awe, and a bit jealous how her signs were, quite literally, undeniable.

She said something that was so reassuring to me. She said sometimes you just need to start moving ahead and that your feelings are the best indication of God speaking in your life. If we start training for fost adopt and we get that feeling in our gut it isn't right, it isn't. Or if we start the adoption process with embryos and have that sinking feeling, it isn't right. If we start either and we feel excited...Bingo.

I told her my fear pursuing anything right now is that I've put so much faith in God that I will be healed or miraculously get pregnant, that I feel like I'm saying I've lost my faith if I pursue either option. She made me feel better about it not admitting defeat or losing faith. She made a good point that we could go ahead with either and still conceive. It will never be an "end of the road" situation.

I do feel that we've a lot of wonderful options and I'm excited and really scared to explore them. I know and trust our child will find his or her way into our family. Perhaps God had bigger plans than I intended and I need to graciously accept the journey. And, by that, I mean all the things I've learned about valuing my son even more, my relationship with my husband and family, living every day as healthy as I can, as full as I can and finding a closer relationship to God.

I suppose I've rambled long enough.

God Bless!

POF and Pregnant (not me!)

May 13, 2015

I just had to jump on here and update you all with some wonderful news. The support group I am a woman announced she is pregnant this morning.

She conceived through a non medicated IVF cycle. She had only one follicle, her FSH was 29 and was given a very grim prognosis, but she is now due Jan. 20! There are several more in that same group pregnant now, or holding beautiful babies that conceived 100% naturally with no medical intervention.

For many of us, we were given a one in a million or one in ten million odds, so to have several ladies in a forum of 996 members (many of woman many of whom are NOT trying to conceive, just there for moral support of physical ailments and emotional support) is amazing!! It just goes to show there are a LOT of miracle conceptions out there and those statistics are just not accurate.

I'm hoping this bit of news brings as much joy and a smile to your face as it did to me today!

As for me, I've been spotting over a week now. Annoying to say the least, but my blood work had shown a very high FSH and a lower estradoil level so I figure my body is busy sorting stuff out. I anticipate this is either my "period" and I had a thin endometrial lining from low estrogen, or it's just breakthrough bleeding and I'll start my period in a few weeks. Who knows.

All I DO know, is I had a horrible day yesterday trying to not let the depression take over. I kept telling God I needed a in your face sign and was praying for strength and woke up to this. It completely relieved my anxiety. God is in control. Always is.

God Bless.

Doctor Consult

May 4, 2015

Well, by endocrinologist called with my results. Other than my elevated LH and FSH and low estrogen, all my labs were normal. She even commented that my iron levels, although higher than normal, were far, far lower than she anticipated. She said I'm doing an excellent job managing my hemochromatosis.

She did say her recommendation was estrogen therapy to stop the bone loss. However, she told me until we were done trying to have children, that was out of the question as HRT would do nothing to prevent my bone loss. Interesting because that is what everyone seems to recommend for POF. She said HRT was a low dose estrogen, usually given to post menopausal woman to help with symptoms like hot flashes, but it was not a high enough dose to prevent bone loss in a 35 year old woman. She would put me on birth control pills, which is a much higher dose estrogen until I was 51, at the typical menopausal age.

I think a lot of POF advocates would disagree with the above assessment as HRT is touted as helping to prevent bone loss. I honestly just don't know who or what to believe. In my heart, I don't like the idea of a lifetime of pharmaceuticals that have a list a mile long of side effects.

I did appreciate she didn't push the subject. She said I have to be ready to give up the thought of having a baby first. We scheduled a dexa scan for in two years. She said without therapy she didn't anticipate it getting better, but with calcium, vitamin D and weight bearing exercises hopefully it wouldn't worsen too much.

I did ask her about just having bone loss in the spine and she said there was a bit in my hips as well. They define bone loss as two standard deviations away from another woman my same age. So, -2 is the cut off. My hips were -2.1 and my spine -2.3. So, although it does show bone loss, I don't think it's too alarming to be so slightly below. Given my petite size and low body mass, it's typical to be on the low end of that bell curve.

I really don't like the thought of birth control for the rest of my life. I blame part of my issues on being on it for 15 years to start with. For now, I think I'll just concentrate on being healthy and supplementing. There are a few oils and supplements that are phytoestrogens that I'd like to try to incorporate (slowly so as not to disrupt a good thing I've got going here) to try and elevate my estrogen levels to prevent bone loss naturally.

But, as always, just trusting my body will get things in gear on it's own with God's healing hand.

Cycle Day 42 Check In

May 3, 2015

Just a quick check in for you. Not a whole lot has changed here. Still feeling great, sleeping well and am asymptomatic. I did get a Zyto re-do at the event the other night and am happy to report my heart and inner child (emotional blockages) are clear. I really do think opening up about our struggles helped release a lot of my inner demons and depression.

It was funny, the oil it suggested was Brain Power. I had been running around like a maniac trying to get things set for that evening, juggle work, my son's schedule and some acting things. I had 30 "points" out of line and 20 were from that. So, honestly I just laughed and felt really good about it. I knew that was only a temporary issue from stress and a crazed mind.

The other oil suggested was celery seed, which I thought was really interesting because I can usually smell it in my TCM herbs. It's usually one of the strongest herbs in there, and I remember telling my mom I couldn't smell the celery seed in this last batch. Apparently, my body missed it.

The other one was a cortisol supplement, that I too think was only a temporary issue due to stress.

All in all, my imbalances were minor, which I honestly thought they would be going in. I feel great. My breasts have been a bit tender on and off so I feel like my body is pumping some hormones. I haven't been charting, but I'm on day 42 of this cycle. For now, just plugging along to see what happens.

I go back and forth about charting the next cycle. My TCM wants me to, but I find it liberating not. Honestly, I think I may just hold off on that. I've kind of placed it in God's hands and am trusting that. I feel like charting and all the testing just kept reinstating in my mind I was "sick" versus giving it to God and trusting and expecting I am well. The trusting I am healed has manifested as my feeling good and having no symptoms. I'll go with that. As silly as it sounds, I give my body affirmations it's well and functioning properly. Good thing I've always been a good listener, eh?  ;)

My next chore is to get into a gym. Right now, I've been really conscientious about taking long and fast strolls with my son every other day or so. When I'm working, I take mini breaks and do 50 jumping jacks before sitting back behind the desk. I know it's a minor change, but I want my circulation getting blood where it needs to go (hello, ovaries that's you) and to get some more weight bearing time in for my spine.

It's curious, my aunt went in for her dexa scan after chemo and she mentioned it's good she's being monitored because her sister (my mom ) and I have early onset osteopenia, but only in the spine. Her doctor said she's not convinced we do as any shadow in the spine could register as bone loss. An injury, misalignment, anything. She said she only really went by bone loss in the ankle. My doctor didn't check for that. I do have a phone consult on Monday to go over my results, so I'll ask about the bone loss only in the spine.

Off to church. God Bless and stay strong! 

Heart Fire, Healing and Health

April 25, 2015

Well, my labs are rolling in and so far no surprises. The things I knew were high, iron and FSH, are high. The thing I knew was low, estrogen, is low. There are a few on the cusp or too high or too low, but most are smack dab in the middle. My vitamin D is on the low end of normal so I think she'll suggest a higher dose.

It was back to my TCM today for acupuncture and a reload of herbs. I brought up the osteopenia and he said he'd add some herbs for that, but it all ties into my kidney channel. The kidney channel controls bone, which is what also controls reproduction. Makes sense. It controls ovaries which control estradiol production which controls how bones absorb calcium.

He also said after looking at my tongue, that the tip was red which meant heart fire. He asked if I'd been emotional. Why yes, yes I have. He also asked if I'd had a bit of dizziness of nausea. Why yes, yes I have. I'd actually written about it a week or so ago wondering if it was one of the oils I was using.

He said it's called heart fire because ancient Chinese thought he heart controlled emotion, much like we did too. When you're sad, you are heartbroken. Same thing. It has nothing to do the with heart organ itself, but the emotions. He said he'd add some things to my herbs to calm my emotions.

When he did the acupuncture, he explained to me the fire spots that go from the tip of your middle finger to the inner arm near the elbow. They are the line of fire. The tip of your finger is wood, in the palm is fire, on the wrist is earth, near it metal and up your warm water. He put needles in the earth (ash) and water position to poor water on my emotions and depression so there was ash. Basically, to get rid of it. Pretty cool.

As long as I'm paying for this, I'm having him take care of everything. I was a bit like a porcupine today with 44 needles ranging from fertility, to depression to carpal tunnel. Those carpal tunnel ones are killers. They send shock waves up your whole hand right up your finger. I have to say I despise those ones, but I haven't been having pain anymore so I trust they are working.

He also explained to me that when my other doctor returns from China next week that her needles where too high on my abdomen. They should be one inch above my pubic bone. Apparently she was too shy to pull my pants down far enough.

When they both feel I'm ready they will do the "pregnancy hold" acupuncture which is apparently just five needles. One in the stomach, two on the calves (I think that's where he pointed) and two in the ankle. He said right now they are busy increasing energy all over, but when I'm strong enough, that will really zero in on that one area and it is powerful.

Honestly, I find TCM fascinating. It really is incredible how the whole body ties into itself. It seems rather obvious, but when you think how one small things sets off a chain reaction. Amazing.

He did ask how my temp was and I had to admit I haven't been temping. He said a mental break was good for my emotional well being, but I get the sense he'd like me to start again at some point. I will. For now, the break is good.

As I write this I'm busy doing my oil pulling. Not as bad as when I first started. I do need to start with my castor oil packs again at some point. It's really quite relaxing, I just need to get into my rythym. My husband has been traveling and between working full time, taking care of my son and keeping things moving on the acting front, I just haven't had the time. I need to change that.

My mother in law called the other day saying her sister, a nurse on a maternity ward, tracked down an OBYN at a conference who knew about POF. This doctor was adamant that the first thing I should have been tested for was celiac. That they are finding major ties between it and POF and infertility in general. I emailed my OB, who I think took a bit of offense because she instructed me to contact my regular doctor very curtly. I figure they've been testing me for everything else, one more test can't hurt.

It's not surprising really. The wheat in this country is appalling. It's nothing like the ancient wheat our ancestors use to eat. It's even harvested too early (for higher profit) making the chemical make up completely different. Makes me shudder, our food industry.

I know a lot of blood tests for celiac come up false negative and the biopsy is the only way to tell, but regardless my result (if they allow it) I may give it up for a while to see how it impacts me. A lot of women in the infertility forum have had tremendous improvement once kicking gluten. Makes me wonder...

I'm attending an essential oil event. I also want a new Zyto scan. Remember, my last one said heart (emotional) health was impaired and inner child (emotional conflict from past.) I'm curious in light on what my TCM said, what it is now.

I've also really delved back into the word. There was a passage in Nerida's book (who you know I love) that said to stop saying you have the condition you have. Your tongue is a powerful sword and what you say is, IS. So, I've been talking to my body every morning and every night. "Body, you work perfectly. Body, you are healed. Ovaries, you have plentiful eggs that are growing. Body, you hormones are the correct levels. Body, you are in line with what God said, that you should be fruitful and multiply." May sound silly, but I believe the spoken word and the mind are powerful.

God Bless.

Endocrinologist and EA Oh My!

April 22, 2015

WELCOME TO MY 100TH POST!!!

Well, shortly after I hit "post" the other day, my endocrinologist's office called to schedule me for a next day appointment. Um, either that is crazy efficient or I should be worried, right??

Well, after my appointment, I decided, they are just super efficient. I will be honest, I braced myself to go in there and fight a battle for not medicating and being pushed to take pharmaceuticals. Thankfully, my doctor was extremely like minded. Her philosophy is there are great meds on the market, yes; however they should be used with caution, sparingly and appropriately. When I'm 65, then is the time to start meds for osteoporosis. Now, she felt it was unethical because there have not been long term studies done with these medications. 5 years. Sure. 10 years. Maybe, but even then she prescribes her patients to rotate on then off the medications.

If you remember, about a year ago I spoke about a condition I have called hemochromatosis. Bascially, what it is, is my body holds on to iron. I have too much. She said that this could be exacerbating my bone loss. If iron is being "caught" by my pituitary gland, it could be disrupting endocrine function (my hormones) and basically leaching calcium.

I have a lot of strikes against me in the bone health department. My mom was diagnosed with osteoporosis at 48 which is super young. I'm slender (higher bmi equals less risk of bone loss) at 103 lbs. I have small bones to start with. With POF I have estrogen deficiency. If my thyroid or pituitary is having issues that will compound the issue.

So, I have to hand it to her, she ordered 25 blood tests. Count them. 25! After today we should really know all my hormone levels. I won't even bother type them here. I took a photo of the lab order.

In addition to all these labs she ordered a 24 hour urine collection kit. She's checking for calcium in my urine. If there is, it could be a kidney issue where they just excrete all the calcium versus my body absorbing it.

Good news is, if there is a reason for bone loss other than the above mentioned, she's being very thorough to catch it and correct it. I asked if the hemochromatosis or an underlying issue could be causing POF. Although she said she's not a reproductive endocrinologist, she doesn't believe so. She feels that my elevated FSH indicates I have no eggs.

I think we all know I think that is, well, BS, but I let it slide. I did say the fertility specialist I met with said it could absolutely be an endocrine or hormonal disruption preventing the eggs from being recruited. She kind of shrugged it off saying she can't help me conceive, but can fix my underlying issues.

My book. Score. I'm of firm mind a healthy body is a healthy body inside and out (and all around.)

My score was, I believe she said -2.4. She said it's not fair to say I have osteoporosis because it's diagnosed on a bell curve according to age. I can't be compared to those in my age. The only certain thing is I have osteopenia, which means lower bone density than what I should.

She did say I should really consider HRT unless I have a family history of breast cancer. Um, my maternal grandma and aunt had it and mom has already had numerous biopsies...yeah, I'd really like to pass. She said once we rule out all other causes, and if I'm left with estrogen deficiency alone to think it over. She DID say she'd support me treating holistically with herbs, supplements and EOs under her monitoring for a couple years. If still in two years I'm losing bone mass, she'd ask I revisit HRT again. Ok, two years out, I'll agree to consider it ;)

When I got to the lab this morning - I had to have the blood draw between 8 and 9 am, the woman checking me in said "Holy Granola! You have a LOT of labs here. Are you ok with all these?"

Well, yeah, stick me once. I'm not paying a $40 copay for each visit thank you very much. She grabbed my urine collector kit which was a sterile container to collect urine and an orange tub 3000 ml (101.44 oz.) Um, give me two or three. She looked at me blank faced like I was crazy. "It's only 24 hrs."

"Yeah, give me several." She gave me two. Full disclosure, I got home at 8:30 am. It's 1:21 pm here and I already have the first full to the 2600 ml mark. I drink a lot of water. I knew this about myself. No one believes me. I'm thinking the last eight hours or so I'm sleeping so I think it'll be enough...either that or I'll be seriously limiting my intake this evening.

She scheduled a phone consult with me in two weeks, on May 4 at noon to go over the results. My labs post immediately as entered online, so unfortunately, that leaves me way way way too much time to consult Dr. Google. Be honest, you all know him/her too.

As a result of my post the other day on Facebook, a woman approached us about EA. Her requirement is we have at least two children with her embryos. If blessed with twins straight out of the gate, awesome. But, our hesitation is if the first FET doesn't work, or if we only get one child, we would have to do it again. Which, well, it's expensive. We had a lovely correspondence, but I told her we needed some time to pray about it. In the mean time if she found a home for them, I understood, but we'd chat with her soon. If it's God's will I know they'll still be there if we decide on them.

(EDIT - after I published this, the phone rang and it was our fertility clinic. They decided if we find outside embryos they will waive the $3000 administrative fee. What??? I'm stunned. The clinic was thrilled to hear about the 6 day blasts and the excellent quality. I also found out from the woman that offered her embryos that her grandparents lived in the town my husband grew up in. Spooky coincidence. We still have to prayerfully consider this option because her only request is we have bio siblings from her set as long as embryos remain. The good news either way, if we wait, the fee is waived so we can pursue outside embryos now without that looming over us. The clinic also told me they may have an in house match available pending donor final approval. I'm a bit overwhelmed things are happening so quickly and I'm not sure we are ready to move forward yet. Many prayers and conversations for my husband and I...)

Our pastor from church, whom I spoke with his wife on Sunday about a referral for fost adopt, actually called yesterday and had written a glowing letter for us already. Incredible how quickly people offer help. He said he'd be more than happy to counsel us through the process and also with any emotions or issues that arose. He too has adopted within the foster system, older children, and has helped some people within the church as well.

So much is happening so quickly.

Well, I'm sure we'll chat before my results are all in so I can agonize over them, but for the time being, stay strong. Even with all the headway on EA and fost adopt (look at me getting all the lingo right, it's not foster to adopt, but fost adopt) my husband and I were chatting on the phone while I drove to my blood draw today. He said he was praying and he's is at utter peace for natural conception. And, you know what. I feel at peace with it too. I'll be thrilled either way however our child comes, but there's peace there.

God's in control. Always is.

God Bless.

Coming Out Aftermath and Bone Scan Results

April 20, 2015

Well, yesterday morning around 8 am I hit post. I was nervous what the outcome would be but tried to go on with my day. I glanced at Facebook quickly before leaving for church and was astounded at how many people had already responded. After church, more and more people. More and more private messages of people dealing with or having had dealt with their own struggles. Now, less than 24 hrs after hitting post, 173 people liked the status, 63 people have commented and I've received 12 messages, many of whom shared their own stories. To say this is a disease that does not resonate with people...well, that is inaccurate, plain and simple.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I do feel freer, and although I know my feelings and physical issues won't disappear overnight, I've a support system. People offered such words of encouragement and hope, people shared openly their own struggles and miracles. It was a very humbling experience.

Now, in regards to my bone scan, my spine does show thinning of the bone. How much, I don't know yet. My doctor has referred me to an endocrinologist, instructed me to get at least 1500 mg of calcium and 1000 international units of Vitamin D a day and to increase my weight bearing exercises. Dr. Google, who I know I SHOULD avoid at all costs leads me to think I have osteopenia...at least I hope it isn't as severe as osteoporosis.

Do yourself a favor...don't google it. It's rather scary. A spine collapsing when you turn over in bed. Good grief. It DOES make me want to listen to my chiropractor who on my last visit was really harping on the need for him to do an xray. I was kind of brushing him off because I don't have money, but maybe he can incorporate treatment for this.

I'll keep you posted on my endocrinologist visit. I know they don't specialize in reproductive endocrinology, but maybe they have some tips or know how for POF. Can't hurt to ask, right?

In the mean time, I did look up a site that offers holistic methods for increasing bone strength and reducing bone loss. Check it out here. It talks about several herbs that can be used so I'll talk this over with my TCM on the next visit to see if they can add some of these into my mix. This site also stressed the importance of balance and coordination exercises to prevent falls that cause fractures in the first place so makes me want to be more proactive about setting aside time for yoga and pilates and like I spoke about in a past blog, I need to be more vigilant to set aside time to do cardio exercise and weight bearing exercise. The good thing is, I've already cut caffiene and alcohol (aside from an occasional drink) out and I've never smoked.

I am going to talk to my doctor about using NTX testing which is not an xray but a blood draw that shows the current absorption rate of your bones. I also need to speak with the endocrinologist about a few more hormonal levels.

I've been concentrating on my estradiol and FSH, but for bone health, I need to be looking at testosterone, progesterone, DHEA, IGF-1, D3 in addition to the estraiol. He has a good chart for telling the ideal numbers. I know I've touched on DHEA on the past and said I wasn't comfortable taking it, but that was not knowing my DHEA numbers and not being monitored. Under an endocrinologist care, I'm open to discussing supplementing that with him or her.

Who would've thunk I'd be dealing with osteopenia / osteoporosis talk as a 35 year old woman, right? Isn't this an old lady disease? Then again, never thought I'd be told I was menopausal before my 35th birthday.

Like I say with the POF diagnosis. No thanks. I'll use this information to make smart choices going forward and trust with knowledge brings power to change my situation.

God bless.

Bone Scan

April 15, 2015

Just a quick update...

Yesterday, I went in for my bone scan. As many of you know osteoporosis is a huge concern within the POF community. Thankfully, after hearing absolute horror stories of how so many of your insurance companies wouldn't allow you scans because you weren't 65 years old yet (the age "normal" women start getting them) I had no problem at all. My OBGYN just had to put a lab request in and it was actually a "no charge" service under my health plan because it was considered preventative.

They did ask me over the phone, and in person if I was pregnant and I had to give my obligatory no (and I did take a test to make sure before I went.) It's really a quick and easy process. I laid on a table and they had an xray on top that scanned by hips and spine. They use two different x-rays to gather the probability of an osteoporosis based fracture in the next 10 years.

The technician said joking, yours will I'm sure be 0 because you are so young. I had to grimace and say, "yes, well, I'm here because I have premature ovarian failure, so although I look young, my body is menopausal." I couldn't help but see her shock. "But, you're so young!!"

"Yeah, crappy hand, huh?"

At least I could joke about it. I should have my results back in about a weeks time she said. The labs won't be posted online, but sent directly to my doctor, so I don't know how long it will take to get them from her. I'll keep you posted.

My hands off approach has been good for my mental and physical (read, emotional!!) health. I'm doing pretty good. I've a mad new passion for essential oils, which I'll have to write about in another post because it'd be a long one and have made some progress in the EA process. Again, another post for another day.

Just a reminder to all my POF sisters out there, be religious about your calcium, vitamin D and magnesium!!

God Bless!

By His Wounds You Have Been Healed

April 3, 2015

I have been humbled by the support you all have shown me. I got several messages of women going through POF who could relate to my struggles, despair and frustration. Thank you.

My mom, who reads my blog, text me that it could very well have been an in utero issue, which sent me into a tailspin panic that she somehow read I blamed her for all of this. We chatted and she knows I don't :) Love you mom! She did say however that I was born with a branchial clef sinus (kind of alike a breathing gill that didn't close) as well as no enamel on my baby teeth. Both of these were issues that had to do with in utero.

From what I could find, around week 18 it says ovaries with eggs have formed, but I'm not sure if that is when it is complete, or it all develops around that time. Around 28 days (six weeks in pregnancy terms) in utero tooth buds are formed and by eight weeks all the tooth buds of baby teeth are complete. Mineralisation starts to occur around week 14 and completes around birth. By twenty weeks permanent teeth start to develop. As far as the branchial clef sinus, I could only find that around 5 weeks major head and neck structures develop. How long they develop and when they should close, I do not know. Anyway, all interesting things.

She was a teacher so she said IF that is what happened, we'll blame her germy first grade children she was teaching that year.

I have to tell you, I have a wonderful group of mommies that I've been friends with online since being pregnant with my son. Over the last three years, we've supported each other through, deaths, miscarriages, new jobs, infertility and about every single thing you can imagine. I told them the results of my appointment, and within minutes two local women had offered me their eggs and one said she had been talking to her husband for some time about my diagnosis offered me her frozen embryos. To say I was stunned, humbled and emotional is an understatement.

I told the two women who offered their eggs that it was a painful process and I could never ask that anyone do that on my behalf. The woman who messaged me about giving me her embryos, I was speechless. She is currently pregnant now and I said as touched as I was, until she and her husband knew for sure they were done with children, I couldn't possibly accept. I asked that we revisit this over the course of the next year. I would never forgive myself if I took two of her embryos and they decided they wanted more children and her remaining ones didn't thaw properly, or I got pregnant and she didn't... Just the offer was so beautiful and it really made me grateful for all those mommas out there who have been so supportive. It made me feel like if that is a route we go, God will provide. I trust our baby or babies will come to us with ease.

As I reread my post from the other night, I want to be clear, I'm not "giving" up. I'm giving over. God is taking care of me. God is healing me. I feel like it's significant that here, on Good Friday, I am finally relinquishing control. God sent his only son to die on a cross for us. To take away our sins. To take away our diseases. To heal us.

1 Peter 2:24

He Himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. 

By His wounds you have been healed.

As we approach Easter trust...By HIS wounds YOU have been healed. Amen to that.

CD3 Results

March 26, 2015

Well, my results for my FSH and estradiol are in. Drum. Roll. Please.

Meh, forget it. It was more of a trip over a drum set, crash, scenario.

Well, my FSH actually went up a bit from 48 to 55.7. Both are way way waaaaay down from my original diagnosis reading of 136, so grateful, I suppose.

Last night, it all came to a head. I was a sobbing mess. Why why why? I eat well. I take care of myself. I don't use toxins. Was it because I was sick last week? Didn't sleep well the night before? Have been stressed? Because I had a long anovulatory cycle? And on and on and on. It just seemed so bloody unfair. My poor husband came home from a work trip and was met with me. He asked did I want to talk about it and all I could respond is "there's nothing to say. I'm sad. I'm mad. I've had it."

But, then I expounded. It wasn't fair. To me. To our son. To him. He got saddled with a broken old woman. At which point, I crumbled. Completely. Thankfully, I've a very supportive and encouraging husband who teared up immediately and said to NEVER, EVER say that again.

Basically, that was the first time I just let it all spill how incredibly guilty I feel for putting him and our family through this. I KNOW it's not my fault. I KNOW. It's hard to stop FEELING though.

The crazy thing is, I feel the same I did health wise as when I conceived our son. We got to talking that maybe this is something I've had the whole time. I went back through my old charts TTC our son. I had night sweats then as well. When they say every child is a miracle, I believe it, but in our case, he may be a miracle ten fold. I won't ever let go of God's healing hand blessing us again. I won't. I did feel though a wave of gratitude how lucky we are.

I also had a good cry about being so hard on myself for feeling guilty that I'm upset and angry. We are so blessed. We've a house. Food. Family. Other than this little debacle, our health. It felt good to just let it out, and boy, was I exhausted.

I woke up refreshed (thanks to my son sleeping in) and to my estradiol lab. That one came in lower than last time at 40. Which, is actually good news. Basically CD3 estradiol should be between 25-75, the higher the number the more indicative it is of diminished reserve. For IVF purposes I know, they like to see a lower number. My number of 40 was not only normal, but almost exactly where medically speaking it should be.

My number before of 89, which a whole lot better than ZERO, was considered high and most likely suppressing my FSH. So, my true FSH at that point, may be closer to what it read this time at 55.7.

What does all this mean? Well, I think Weds. appointment with the fertility specialist will be much more indicative of what is up with me once we can see my ovaries, follicles, lining, etc, but for now it tells me that my ovaries are working too hard still.

I panicked last night wondering if HRT was a necessity as I read over the list of what POF causes...heart attack, osteoporosis, increased risk of cancers, stroke, dementia, vaginal atrophy...and on and on. The dementia really gets me. My grandma died of Alzheimers and I know I'm at increased risk. The earlier you go through menopause, the higher your risk.

What my labs showed though was my estrogen was actually right where it should be. It may not have the same surges as a "younger" woman hormonally speaking because not as many follicles mature (each maturing follicle makes your estrogen surge to about 200 higher) but it's in a healthy level. So despite my higher labs for FSH, my estrogen in on point where HRT would put it anyway.

I feel like if I look at myself as a whole (not just fertility wise) and can keep my estrogen, calcium and vitamin D in check, there still is no need for HRT. After 15 years of taking birth control pills I don't know why I'm so resistant. I think because I partly blame them for my issues. Every drug I've taken, I've had such an exaggerated reaction. In high school when I got my wisdom teeth out they couldn't wake me from the pain killer and I spent hours throwing up and passing back out. When I was induced, the drug I was suppose to get every four hours was so strong eight hours later they still refused the second dose. When they put me on pit I contracted so long and hard they thought my uterus would rupture. I just can't help but feel my body is incredibly sensitive to drugs and they reek havoc on my system.

Anyway, thought I'd update you all. So, my labs for all intents and purposes are the same. My FSH is still around the same so not worse, definitely not better, but my estrogen is healthy.

I went to my TCM today for acupuncture because I'm actually filming Saturday when my original appointment was scheduled. He was excited I'd gotten my period.

During acupuncture he did the same fertility points, stuck with the depression points again as well and then I asked him to do some carpal tunnel points since I work so long at the computer and I've been having lingering pain. It's hard to get to sleep at night. I had to chuckle when he put them in my head. He again told me how good he was...most times those needles really hurt people but he's so gentle I barely felt it.

I almost did start laughing out loud when he was doing the points on my abdomen. The two points really hurt. It just so happens it's right, I mean RIGHT over my private parts so my pants are tucked down really far. He just blurted out "I'm nervous."

Nervous?? To do acupuncture? Yes, he said, so close to your privates. I don't want to touch it. I couldn't help but laugh. He is a doctor after all so I've never put much thought to it, but perhaps that is why my female doctor typically does the fertility stuff. She's still in China.

My pulse was much better after the session. He said the Qi may have been a little low today because I am still menstruating. The good thing is my period has been a good length. It started a bit "scanty" as they like to call it, or light, but picked up a bit. Not a heavy flow, but a consistent, red flow. There was a bit darker color, but I think from the long anovulatory cycle. He also loaded me up on herbs.

I'm really praying if I should continue this.

I did order my essential oils and will be happy to start using more of them. I think the clary sage has been helping. I've also been making sure to eat more fats which I think can only help overall.

After Weds I think I will be more in tune with my body, but I spent all night and day really trying to feel God's presence. I feel like I'm at a point where I can "give up" my efforts and trust God. I hope, pray and do believe I will conceive, but I also feel like I need to open myself that our child will come however he or she comes. I seek so hard for the answers to fertility, or how to make fostering or adoption or embryo adoption work and I need to find a calm and really allow God to PRESENT it to me. I don't know how that will happen. At times I don't believe it can, but I need to push that behind me and trust it will.

Last night all I wanted to do is scream "Why God" are you allowing this, but I know the answer. GOD isn't. God empowers me to DEAL with it. Satan, the devil, however you want to call it, is in charge of evil, sickness, death, despair. So sorry to get all biblical on you, but "Get thee behind me Satan." I'll have no part of it.

I've a renewed peace today. I've had a few moments of tears, but I'll come out ahead.

God Bless.

Bonds of Infertility

March 20, 2014

I feel like I've so much to update on. I got so busy I wasn't able to set any time aside. Forgive my rambling nature this post. I feel scattered today.

First off, instead of going to my TCM tomorrow, I went last week. My mom was in town and wanted to try acupuncture. She has a few issues with gallbladder, her upper arm had been bothering her and has tendinitis, so a ringing in her ears. She also had one nasty cold. She'd been complaining of a bit of nausea between the drainage from the cold and the pressure in her ears from flying. Best yet, my acupuncture session would be her treat.

*insert wheels peeling out of the drive*

Her treat. Yes Ma'm!

When we arrived my doctor was there to take her pulse and ask a few questions and then she went in to get poked. I asked if they'd mind my watching since I'd never actually seen it done before. Before he even started he reviewed her list of complaints. When she described the pain in her back wrapping around to the front he said "gallbladder." Apparently, that is what she'd thought it was, but her doctors said no. He, however, sat her down and pressed one pressure point on her leg. "This hurt?" It sure did! He told her that it was because that was the gallbladder point. So, she may have a few issues there afterall.

It was interesting to watch. He had such a gentle touch. He just kind of flicks the needle in. I was pretty astounded though, how far he pushed some in. I stood watching trying not to let my eyes bulge for fear my mom would react when he twisted those suckers in. "Sensitive? Does it hurt," he asked. "No." He actually gave a surprised look and went along his way flicking and pushing. He dimmed the light, set the music and we went along to do my session.

About halfway through my session I heard my mom call him from the other room, then it got quiet. He came in to check on me and adjust my needles and I asked how my mom was. "She's done." Wow, quick! "She threw up!"

"What?? Is she ok??"

"Now she is." Chuckle.

Me - groan. Poor mom!

Turns out the nausea she was battling got too much to handle when the needles opened up her energy channels. She did however say the ringing in her ears wasn't as loud and her back and shoulder felt a bit better. I hope I didn't scar her on the idea of acupuncture.

After my session he said my pulse was very good. "Very good, as in, very good for anybody? Or, very good for me?"

"Anybody. Strong. Very strong." He started going whoosh whoosh whoosh, strong! My left side was a bit weaker though so my blood needed more nourishment.

I also received my clary sage essential oil. I started putting a drop on each sole of my foot every night, but after three or four nights of not being able to sleep, I wondered if it was the oil. It's suppose to be calming, but apparently, on me, not so much. I've started putting it on my feet in the mornings with a carrier oil and it's helped. I sleep better at night. I've only been doing it for a week or so, so I don't now the effects yet. Fingers crossed.

A few things recently that really resonated. This morning, my son loves to see the garbage truck. Trash was running late, so we were killing time. It got much too late and I had to bring him into daycare so I could get some work done. As I was leaving I ran into a fellow mom who is scheduled for a C-section next week. I rarely see her because I drop off earlier. We got to chatting and she was getting so emotional talking about how difficult this pregnancy had done and how her little girl was a fighter, that I of course got emotional with her and started crying too. She asked if I planned to have more kids, and already in tears from talking to her, I broke down. I spilled our whole journey with her in the parking lot.

She wrapped me in a hug and said "Don't give up. Please don't give up. I never thought I'd get pregnant. I tried for four years to have our son. I exhausted every avenue. Like you, I did acupuncture, herbs, all the fertility treatments. My friends raised money for us to do an IVF. They started me on the medication to stop all my hormones, essentially shut my system down before restarting it to prepare for the cycle. The doctor called me and told me to sit down. They had no idea how it was even possible since they'd stopped all hormone production, but I was pregnant. We thought it was impossible to get pregnant this time around, and although we weren't preventing, we weren't trying. I said the words aloud to my husband, 'If I'm not pregnant by my 42nd birthday, we are going to start preventing to so I don't risk passing on any genetic abnormalities' and I was pregnant within weeks of vocalizing it. I feel like someone heard."

Infertility, and fertility struggles are really the pits, but one thing I've learned is there is nothing that forms a greater, tighter or more intimate bond with people who are essentially strangers than the bonds of infertility. I imagine those bonds feel much the same for cancer survivors. I found that same tight bond with other mothers when I had my son. Within struggle, there are so many wonderful, gracious and supportive people. I was so humbled to have spoken with her this morning on such a more intimate level than our casual "Hi, How are you" exchanges.

As a matter of fact, while writing this, she just text me. She had called her old fertility doctor and asked her about my issues. She said she'd be willing to see me, which she is. She closed with the text "If there is anything else, let me know. I'd be willing to go and hold your hand if it would help."

Tears. What a beautiful thing to offer.

The crazy thing is, it's the same clinic my friend went to for her IVF and the one she is scheduled at for her embryo transfer. Small world. Living in Los Angeles, there are hundreds of fertility clinics and the two women who have referred me, said to go to the same one. I'm starting to feel like I want to talk to one. I may contact them to see what labs they need so next CD3 I can have my OBGYN order them. This way, the labs will be covered by insurance, even if the consult at a fertility specialist isn't.

The other thing that struck me today was a woman in the Mothers with POI/POF group posted about how she's always been extremely thin. She gained 6 lbs at the prompting of her family and found her cycles resumed, but she felt fat so she lost the weight again and all her POF symptoms returned. I really think a lot of infertility issues have to do with weight. I know when I was diagnosed I was I believe 96 lbs which is gaunt, so extremely thin.

I will be honest that I have struggled with body image in the past. In high school I did, as well as the profession I'm in (acting) there is a pressure to be rail thin. The camera adds pounds, so everyone always wants to avoid extra weight gain. The last year or so, I can honestly say I've let go of that. I feel like I'm more secure in who I am. The reality is, this industry needs people of all sizes. As I age more, I feel ok being a bit heavier (and I know I'm not heavy, I mean carrying more weight than I use to) because I know it's better for me. I've more energy, my body works healthier, my hair has been growing in thicker, my skin is clear. My focus has been on getting healthy, and it's been liberating to let go of my inhibition.

When I conceived my son (before diagnosis) I was heavier than I had been, it being just after Christmas when I'd put on some weight and was 105. I noticed when I fall back to around 100, my cycles get more erratic than when I'm closer to that 104/105 mark. I've been consciously trying to add more fats to my diet. I think my adding coconut oil to my smoothies (something I knew to do, but never remembered until another mom in that group reminded me by posting her smoothie with coconut oil) helps me get those good fats into my diet.

I've no real update for this cycle. I'm CD 62 and I don't think I've ovulated. I will say I took an HPT on Monday and it was stark white, so that is great. That means my LH and HCG aren't inflated from POF. I've felt great too. I really feel like although this is a long cycle, there will be a strong ovulation.

As always, God bless!

Spotting, Essential Oils, Healing and Acupuncture

March 7, 2015

Well, I suppose it's time for an update. My cycle is strange. What's new, right? I thought I may have ovulated, but my temp went back down. It's had a bit of up and down, but my thought is the initial spike was from a cold. I also spotted for 12 days. Light pink or brown and only when I wiped.

I was a bit emotional this week. I won't lie. There are times I just feel like throwing in the towel, but what am I left with? Ovaries that still don't function? My body is still broken outside of the fertility side of it, so I've really no option than to plug along.

I could always go the HRT route, but I've no faith in that as a long term option. I don't want medication to be what I rely on, and I don't want medication to be what my body relies on to operate correctly. Please know, if you are reading this and on HRT or trying to decide if that is what you want, that is totally ok and you SHOULD do your research. If you opt for HRT it is a wonderful tool and medication and you need to do what is right FOR YOU!! For me, I'm more comfortable with the holistic route as long as my body is responding. If it ever stops, I'll explore HRT as an option.

On the fertility front, we are having more children. I'm convinced biologically, but I've continued my research into fostering to adopt and Embryo Adoption. In fact, my friend who I introduced to the idea of EA is transferring next month!!! The way the path was literally thrown in her face is miraculous, but that is her story to tell. I'm so thrilled and excited for them and pray for a successful transfer so they can hold their take home baby! I also ripped out an article about fostering and fostering to adopt about an informational meeting later this month.

Fostering to adopt seems like such a beautiful concept, but I don't know if I have the heart or stomach to welcome a child into our home just to see them leave. I know you must go into it with the mentality of thinking of it as temporary, but how do I explain to my two year old child their brother or sister may leave. It seems too difficult. The thing that seems even more unbearable than an adoption where the birth mom reconsiders and takes the child back is you may have this child in your custody for years and then they are reconciled. Still an option I am considering because I think so many children need good homes.

Adoption as I've said before is EXPENSIVE!! Even with tax credits, it's still not an option for us at this time.

On my biological fertility front, I was back to TCM today. He asked if I was hurried getting there because it was reflected in my pulse. I was in fact! He also asked if I have been worrying too much.., Yes, indeed. He said he both my pulse and tongue reflected that. To let go of my stress and anxiety (relax relax relax) because it was making me "depressed."

During acupuncture, he added needles to my regiment to help with the depression. A few in my wrists, legs and head. He said it was the "thirteen needles" or "thirteen points." He said it was misleading because it was more than thirteen needles, but thirteen points. Three in my head. Some in my abdomen, some in my wrists and some in my legs. These points are suppose to encourage overall energy, circulation and Qi. The ones in my temples were rather deep and I tried to ask him a question and got instant pressure. Apparently my jaw muscles were pinned up in there. Or maybe he was just sick of my asking questions and jammed some in there to shut me up ;)

I asked more about the points in my legs, the ones that extended from my inner calf to my ankle and he said it was to increase energy. He also showed me how to use my heal to drag it down over those points. He said I should be doing that every night before sleep to help with my kidney and spleen channel. He showed me how to drag my heel over the top of my foot (the bones between the big toe and one next to it) to help with depression of the liver "stress, axiety, etc" every night as well. He said it was the "lazy" way of acupressure but very effective.

The point in my foot area that was extremely tender today was in my Achilles. He had really put it in deep to help with my depression, but that is such a sensitive area! The only point on my abdomen that was tender was over my right ovary. He did the normal five pattern around my naval and then put five across just above my pubic bone. He told me the five points (which I don't remember) but I know the short term for one of them was the "catch" point telling my body to catch an egg and the "come back" point telling my ovaries to start working again. Obviously, those were laymen's terms so I'd understand.

After my session I asked him about my pulse. He said that it was weaker than he wanted, but overall not bad. My right pulse, or Qi, was stronger today than the left, or "blood." This is opposite what it was before, so I'm happy my Qi is improving. The herbs I am taking this week are suppose to help nourish my blood.

So, I was sent home with new herbs, a few new massages to incorporate into my routine, with strict rules of meditating and relaxing.

I'm starting to use some essential oils.  I'll put a drop on each foot every night in my lavender magnesium lotion that I'm already using. I'm excited to start learning more and using more essential oils. I know a lot are skeptical of them, but a lot of the medications we use are from plants, which is what these are. By applying them topically or breathing them in aromatically, they go directly into your blood stream.

If you think about it, it's very effective and makes a lot of sense. They don't have nasty biproducts and fillers that a lot of meds do. I just read an article how many hospitals are beginning to incorporate essential oils into their care. I know my sons dentist uses essential oils in the office to calm children. She works with children on the spectrum and it's been proven to calm and settle them in that setting.

So many interesting things I'm learning about. This disease has obviously been a nasty curse, but when I look at the bright side, I've learned so much about how our bodies work, how to keep them healthy, we've changed our diet, gotten rid of toxins like cleaners and personal care products that can cause harm...I feel like we've used it as incentive to make our lives healthier, teach our son to be healthy and make good long term choices. I suppose you have to look at the good with the bad.

My next project is trying to learn how to do indoor composting without a stink. If you've any tips let me know. I've explored two ways to do it, but I'm skeptical... As my son and I have been planting (he has carrots, broccoli, tomato, beans and potatoes growing) I've been really wanting to start our own compost. The organic dirt is pricey and we are literally throwing money out with the trash.

Back to the fertility front, this is the first day in almost two weeks I haven't been spotting. I did take a pregnancy test last week and I was a faint positive (not as dark as before) so my hormones are hopefully getting better. I'll go back to the take one every week or two route until I can get a clear thermal shift and know what's happening.

Every night I pray to "Let Go and Let God" and every day I struggle with that lesson. I was reading Nerida's book the other night and read something that made so much sense. Instead of praying to God to heal me, I need to demand my body to be healed because God already gave me the power to do so. God said in the bible

Mark 3:15 - And to have power to heal sicknesses, and to cast out devils

It was a moment of clarity. I keep pleading with God for a miracle when God in fact has already given me the power to do so. I decided to take a moment to remind my body. Not that I have the authority to heal, but that GOD has declared I am healed...I think it needed a reminder. So do I.

Until next time. God Bless.

Tomorrow will be a brighter day

Feb. 7, 2014

Normally I try to keep my posts uplifting, but I'm just in such a cruddy place emotionally. I just feel absolutely defeated, lost and extremely emotional. A lot is coming to a head financially, my stress level is capping out and I feel like my cycles are shifting again. It's so tough to remain optimistic.

I had a decent acupuncture session today. I was exhausted going in, and I think she could tell. I slept poorly and my son has been getting up early around 5:30 everyday. I've been staying up late working every night. It's so hard for my mind to shut off at night. I just worry which leads to insomnia which throws my cycle off. My husband is without work and has been for almost six months and our resources are running dry. I know so many can relate. It's a problem for a lot of people and I'm so sorry for others encountering it.

The told me to eat more goji berries. I told them I'd been eating powder but not as much as I should because it's pricey. I said I'll increase the dose but they were leery of it. They don't trust retailers and thought perhaps it was mixed with something else. I told them it was a reputable company, organic and 100% pure. He wanted me to eat the whole berries and when I explained my maggot experience, they suggested I wash them well and bring them next time and they will put them under their UV light while I have my session to kill any eggs. When I'm out of powder I'll do that.

During my session, she brought her husband in who will be doing my sessions while she is in China. She explained all the areas she places needles. I soooo wish I understood Chinese because she was detailing what each one does. He does speak English rather fluently, so maybe next time I'll ask him more questions about each point when he sticks me.

I was also a bit thrown because another client was there for the same time as myself and was charged half of what I was. Driving home I decided that as a client who has been with them for over a year now I have to sit down and discuss if they can work with me financially. They don't take insurance and acupuncture isn't included on my plan anyways, so I'm hoping we can reach some type of compromise.

I'm just giving it to God at this point. In my heart of hearts I know I'm suppose to be a mommy to more than just my son. He is suppose to be a big brother. He yearns for other children to play with. He's such a gentle spirit who engages all the other children around him. My hurt hurts that I've failed him, my husband and myself. I just don't understand how I can't do the only thing nature has literally designed me to do.

I'm sorry for the downer of a post. I'm just struggling. I'm crying as I type this. It seems like such a selfish thing to want in light of all the other things going on in the world. I know tomorrow will be a brighter day.

God bless.

Excellent TCM Appointment

Jan. 31, 2014

Great news today. The second my TCM doctor took my pulse she looked up surprised and started saying "hung how hung how." Translation? Very good very good!

Yay! I blurted out "I like the sound of that!" I told her I'd gotten my period the day after my last appointment. They asked the color, if clots, duration and if the flow was normal. Red, no, four days with two spotting, normal. She was thrilled.

After my session, she took my pulse again and was visibly excited. She started talking a mile a minute in Chinese. I kept looking between her and her husband hoping for a translation. He just burst out laughing and said "She's so excited. Very happy! She's flushed. Hot!" Apparently, she was getting so pumped she had to take off her sweater.

All in all. Great appointment. She leaves for China for a few months on the 10th so they want me to fit in one last appointment with her next Saturday. I was going to try switching to every other week, but I want one good last acupuncture session before she leaves. Her husband will continue to do my sessions and herbs while she's gone, but I think I will definitely switch to every other week at that point. Mainly, for financial reasons, but secondly, it's not his expertise. He's a brilliant TCM and I trust completely capable and competent with fertility issues, but a good time for me to switch. I'm already down to herbs every other day.

If this all wasn't so darn expensive, but like my husband says, it's working. As I was choking down my herbs he told me to "slam it down! They're working!" Thanks, sweetie!

Until next week, I keep doing to same old same old.

Something else I've been thinking about. I remember my friend telling me (before I was diagnosed) that she just felt awful because I was ALWAYS sick. Like constantly. I wasn't sleeping and any bug my son got...so did I. It dawned on my I've been remarkably healthy. I think I got two colds and a UTI the later part of last year. My son was out of school for throwing up, fevers, and had numerous colds. I've avoided all of it. Just goes to show you when you are stronger overall, how much better your immune system is. Pretty amazing!

God is in control. Always.

CD11 and plugging along

Jan. 28, 2014

Well, I've had a few people email me and ask if I got a CD3 check. Nope. My doctor emailed me back at around 9 pm the night of CD3 and said she'd run my FSH, but I told her I wanted it to be CD3, not 4. She didn't seem to care either way, so I asked her to order the lab so it'd be there next cycle and she agreed. So, I guess next cycle, if it arrives (I'm being positive for a BFP, not negative thinking it won't...) I will test.

As I type, I'm sitting with my castor oil pack on. This is my third night with the pack. It was nice to get back to the chiropractor this week. I was pretty misaligned. He normally can just crack me and use his super chiropractic "nail gun thingy" to get the kinks out, but he had to do some additional moves. He told me my "butt was on crooked." At least the guy has a sense of humor, right? He said that for now, six weeks was my max between visits.

I started oil pulling today. In all honesty, I did it once before and never followed through. I don't remember if I included it in my blog. Basically, you take a tablespoon of oil, I used organic coconut oil, and swish it around your mouth for 20 min then spit it out (in the garbage, it will clog your pipes.) Make sure to spit it out though because it pulled the toxins from you...you don't want to ingest them all over again. Rinse your mouth with salt water to kill any remaining bacteria and brush as normal.

The first time, I gagged. The feeling of oil with saliva building up...eek. This time, it wasn't too bad. You are suppose to do it first thing in the morning, but my son wakes me. Try swishing oil for 20 minutes with a two year old pulling at you...not gonna happen. I do it on my work days. It is suppose to help detox your body and also help with oral health. Here is a good article about it. My reasons are for detox, and, if I must admit a bit cosmetic. I feel like with the tea and herbs my pearly whites aren't as pearly. In years past I'd have pulled out the Crest white strips, but I refuse to put that crap in my body or on my teeth. Oil pulling should help restore the glisten.

As of now, I'm out of herbs. I didn't go to acupuncture this past weekend, so I didn't get a refill. I've just been continuing my supplements. I was doing a lot of reading on Pregnitude, which has helped a lot of women. In a review however, I learned (and then verified on the package) that it is 2000 mg of Myo-Inositol and 200 mcg of Folic Acid. Sooo...basically it's a heckuva lot cheaper to just buy those supplements and take it yourself. As I read more on Inositol, it's basically very helpful for PCOS, but has been shown to improve egg quality in all women. Here is an interesting article.

I also was reading more about antioxidants and their role in fertility here. This came up when someone was asking me about Ubiquinol. As I was referencing a few things on it, I read it should be taken with Lipoic Acid, which regenerates itself as well as CoQ10 (Ubiquinol) and glutathione. My feeling is I don't want a ton more supplements, but I may add Lipoic Acid because as I read, it's basically encouraged by most fertility doctors and doctors in general. I opted not to do glutathione because the lipoic acid should in and of itself regenerate glutathione which helps egg health. Please check with your doctor before trying lipoic acid. For people with diabetes it can lower blood sugar levels.

It'll be good to head back the my TCM this Saturday. I'll be CD14 so it'll be good to encourage some good blood flow to the lady parts. In the interim, I'm hoping the castor oil packs, fertility massage and fertility yoga poses are helping. I have to do the femoral massage, but it freaks me out every time. That rush of blood after I compress the artery makes me queasy. I actually took two pregnancy tests AFTER my period before I'd even do it because I get unnerved by it.

So many women ask me how much this all is. It's not cheap, but I'm getting good at managing how to pay for things and find the best deals.I do have some good links there      ---------------------------------------->

to the side of the sites I use and I've been trying to link products here and there throughout the blog. If you go to the "CHANGES" blog which was my second entry I did link all the products so you can see what I'm talking about and those are some of the best prices I'd found. Some fluctuate though so feel free to shop around.

The one big thing I do is try to buy "whole" products free of fillers. It might be more money upfront or seem like more work, but I feel like it's better for me and long term it's a TON cheaper. Products like shatavari root, wheat grass, maca, goji berry, etc are actually whole foods. There is no need to spend extra money for encapsulated products. I also buy my vitamin c, calcium and magnesium in powder form so there are no extra "fillers" added. I figure I take enough supplements that I'm already ingesting more fillers than I like.

At one point I did the math and powdered maca was pennies on the dollar compared to maca pills. I make mine into truffles to dodge the taste and I save a ton of money. Same for everything above.

Basically, I use Amazon for subscribe and save supplements that I get monthly. They have a great selection and if you subscribe you save 5% automatically and 15% if you get a delivery of five items.

I really like iHerb for some items because they refrigerate items that need to be cooled. Amazon does not. If you are new there use code POD190 for $5 off your first order of $5 or more or $10 off $40. iHerb also ships free over $20 so that is an added savings.

I like Vitacost for various reasons. Some of their prices are cheaper than Amazon, even with the subscribe and save discount. I also like if you are doing a large bulk order, they often have spend more save more sales. $10 of $65, $20 off $80, etc. If you are doing a big order, that is the place to go because shipping is free over $49, they ship same day and the added savings are impressive. If you are new there, follow this link to save $10 off your first purchase of $30 or more.

Puritan's Pride is great because it has free shipping on any order now. Score! They don't have the widest selection (outside of their brand) but if you like something in their brand, it's usually buy one get one free or buy two get three free. They also always run promotions through email or ebates for added savings and cash back. The one thing I'm not crazy about with Puritan products is a lot of them have soy fillers. I try to avoid that.

Pure Formulas is also an awesome site. I don't do a ton of shopping there because they don't carry all the brands I use, but they have free shipping on every order. If you just need to order one cheap supplement and don't want to build a cart, this is your place!

That brings me to Ebates. If you aren't a member. You need to be. This site offers cash back at almost all the places you will shop. When you are spending buco bucks, it adds up quick.

Abe Books, Amazon and Alibris all offer a good selection of used books so if you can't afford to find the books I suggest, or any fertility reading...get a used on there. I rarely pay more than $4 or $5 with shipping included for any of my reading.

My advice is to stat with what you are comfortable with. If that is an organic diet. Start there. If it's meditation. Start there. If prayer. Start there. If swapping out your deodorant for homemade. Start there. So much of this is overwhelming, but that just leads to more stress and more hormonal imbalance. I found that as I started making lifestyle changes, it just kind of snowballed and became easier and easier.

Breathe easy. God's gotcha. 

Cycle Day 1 has arrived

Jan. 18, 2015

Well, my "anniversary" came and went. To be honest, I had moments where I was struggling that day, and yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster. I was just plain irritable. Come to find out, it was PMS. I woke up with shooting cramps at 4 am and my period had started. I was surprised at how bad I cramped all day today.

The crazy thing is, I'd gone to my TCM yesterday morning and she knew I'd start. How? I was sensitive as all get out. I wasn't too sensitive on most areas, but on the point lowest below my naval closest to my pelvic, it was like she'd stabbed me. I also had pretty bad pain over my right ovary. My guess is that is the one I'd ovulated from. I started cramping during my session. She told me that because I was hurting so much in those locations I'd most likely start menstruating within a day or two. She was right!

My pulses were good after my session. I think she was busy, so I got an extra long session. I actually thought she'd forgotten about me. An hour went by and I was still lying there with needles poking out and starting to get a wee too warm under the heat lamp over my pelvis.

A breakdown of this cycle. 33 days long. Ovulation on day 19 and a whopping 14 day luteal phase as long as I ovulated when I think I did. That's great news!

I did email my doctor today. Last time she ran labs it was midcycle and the nurse had said she'd intended to do them and an office visit for a 6 month checkup. Problem was, I hadn't had a cycle to speak of for so long, we just went with my first bleed, which was only spotting and turned out to be most likely ovulation spotting as I started my period two weeks later.

I'm not sure if she'll want to see me or not. I could go either way. It'd be nice to have an accurate read of my hormones, but I also like just trusting I'm healing. I'll keep you posted.

From here, I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing. I'm skipping acupuncture next week because I'm auditioning for a play. It'd be my first time back on stage in 12 years if I get it. But, that's getting ahead of myself. I'm not sure if skipping is good or bad, but I'm really starting to just go with the flow. My herbs run out in a few days so I'll be without for over a week. I'm fine with it. Last month I ran out for a good week too. I'm starting to trust and have more confidence my body is regaining it's strength on it's own. I'm just prodding it along.

I'll start my castor oil packs and pre-O routine again soon. I'm waiting until my heavy bleeding is done though because castor oil can make the flow heavier. I really think that's helped. The last two solid periods I've had have been during the months I was vigilant with my packs until ovulation.

I just have to say my heart is heavy this evening. Someone I know lost his wife tonight from sarcoma cancer. She was such a woman of faith and did video updates, up until two days ago offering strength to all those fighting cancer. I journeyed with them over Facebook and have been faithful in my prayer over her, him and her family. I never met this woman, but I burst into tears to hear of her passing. It really puts into perspective how short our time here on earth is and how much we can chose to impact people in a positive or negative way. May we all chose to be a light to those that surround us.

God bless you through your healing and God be with you always.