CD3 (maybe?) Test

Oct. 29, 2014

Well, I'm not certain it was truly CD3 yesterday, but given I have been spotting since last Thursday evening and had about a two hour flow of blood, I decided this was as close as I was getting to a cycle for now and decided to call my doctor for the test to look at hormones. It's so funny because I'd been dreading do it, but my TCM requested it on Thursday and I started spotting. Talk about God nudging me, huh? When all is said and done, I prayed and felt that I could peacefully handle the news, good or bad, and it was what was medically needed to continue treatment with my TCM.

Drum roll please...

Hormones upon diagnosis last Jan.

HCG - 7
FSH - 136
LH - 98
Estradiol - <12

Hormones yesterday Oct 28, 2014

HCG - 1
FSH - 48
LH - not taken CD3, but OPK is negative
Estradiol - 89

So, huge improvement right?

The one side of me was a bit bummed because it still is within "POF" levels, but the other side (the angel on my shoulder) is reminding me that my body has healed tremendously.

If I want to really analyze, CD3 numbers on this, as grim as they appear are better than what they were. HOWEVER, if it was an anovulatory cycle and these aren't true CD3 numbers, that is better news for me yet as any other time in the cycle these numbers could feasibly be that high even for women without POF. I'm making a conscious decision to not analyze it anymore.

For CD3, doctors like to see FSH below 9 and estradiol below 80. If above 80, it could artificially suppress the FSH number slightly. It's funny, I wanted a higher estradiol last time because it was 0 and I essentially had no estrogen in my body, so in a way, I'm glad it's higher, I just wish it were later in my cycle.

And, my levels before were POSTmenopausal and are now technically Perimenopausal (under 50) so THAT is improvement, right?? So, I've hormones more of an upper 40 / early 50 year old versus a 120 year old. Talk about winding back the clock, eh?

So, from here, I'll bring my numbers to my TCM tomorrow or Saturday depending on my husband's work schedule. I guess we just proceed with what we are doing. It seems to be working, I feel great and have no POF symptoms. I just wish it didn't come at such a high price tag. It's really been taking a toll on us financially.

At this point, I just truly do have to trust and have faith in a miracle. As much as I want to "will" it to happen, God is in control, and I trust him and him alone. It gives me comfort because if I had to trust myself to make it happen, I know my faith would falter. It's easier putting my faith in God above.

As for me emotionally, I'm going in and out of being at peace with it, and just being a bit emotional. I'm having my fair shake of "it's not fair" and "why is this happening to me" but this time, it's not nearly as devastating. Far more than those moments, I have a calm about me that things are indeed improving, and I've an odd peace that it will all work out. It will be fine.

God Bless!

Back to Acu and Herbs

Oct. 24, 2014

This morning I woke up, and although I intended to take an HPT and OPK because I was heading in to acupuncture, I completely forgot. It's been nice not worrying about that stuff. I did take one with second morning urine before I left, and Hallelujah, Praise God, the HPT AND OPK WERE NEGATIVE!!! Why do I get so excited by that? It's been FIVE MONTHS (!!) since both were negative. That means great things for my hormones!

That was where my excitement ended for the day. I went in yesterday for an appointment with my TCM. I was a bit disheartened that although she said my pulses were ok, they were a bit weaker than my last visit. I feel though in context, I should rewind and give a brief overview of my week.

Without going into mind numbing detail, my husband almost lost his job this week so my stress level was a bit high to say the very least. Someone at work had falsely accused him of some things and while the "investigation" was underway, tensions were high in the household. That was resolved Weds evening.

Thursday was my appointment and it was honestly just one of those mornings where everything just was going wrong. It took me 25 minutes to get milk at the grocery store because of a faulty cash register. I was late getting on the road. Traffic was horrendous. I had a deadline to be home for my husband's workshop at school, and to top it off my TCM forgot about me. I called them and they hussled over, but my leisurely hour and a half appointment was reduced to 35 minutes.

When they read my pulse, I was frayed. As they started going on about how I should have my levels retested with the doctor because although I'm better than when I started, my channels will get stronger, than a bit weaker, than stronger, etc, but never up to perfect. Because it's been 9 months, they wanted to see the progress I'm making, I officially blurted out "Can my pulse be reading lower than it is from stress? I keep looking at the clock and I need to leave in 40 minutes."

Wide eyed they hussled me into the room and started poking me with needles as I frantically texted my husband to see if there was a workshop later in the afternoon he could take. Nope. Ugh.

She asked her questions and looked at my tongue while poking me.

To say I was trying desperately to hold back tears in an understatement. As soon as she walked out, they started pouring down my face. The gravity of what she said hit me. It's been nine months and they are feeling frustrated by lack of progress. She came back in to ask me how my appetite has been and I know she saw the tears. She didn't quite know what to say, and I felt like an idiot.

This session I kept repeating the mantra "I am healthy. I am healed" as I took deep breaths and reminding myself of some scripture passages that deal with fertility and fruitfulness. As it neared my 35 minutes, because that was all that time allowed, I was feeling a bit calmer about things. She came in to take my pulse and her eyes got wide, she gave me a smile and said "Better. Better. Good. It's good!"

We went back in the other room where I would pay and get my herbs and she told her husband, who translated to me that my pulse was a LOT stronger after my session. The circulation was much better and much stronger. They encouraged me to keep doing yoga and exercising to increase my circulation to get better blood flow to my reproductive organs, and I hustled out the door to fight traffic home with a new batch of herbs and to return next week for acupuncture.

The herbs this week are not pleasant. Sometimes it has a sweeter smell to it, but this batch smells more medicinal. It almost tastes like there is celery seed in there, but much stronger. Some batches are easier to swallow than others. This is not one of them.

I was feeling overly emotional and frustrated yesterday but I really took a moment to center myself yesterday. I feel good. I feel healthy. I've been praying and trusting and having faith this last month and it has brought me incredible peace and strength. Why was I letting my "natural" and "medical" circumstances doubt what I know to be true in my heart. I've put the negative feelings to the side and have decided to keep reminding myself and declaring to the universe, to God and everyone else that I am healed.

Last night, I started spotting. Just a tiny bit. I'm not entirely sure if that means my period is coming, or just breakthrough spotting again, but seeing my body "work" is such a wonderful thing.

In terms of my cycle, I still don't know what's happening. My temp today for instance was 97.18 at 4:10 am when I work, but I took it again at 6 am out of curiosity and it was 97.86. Make me wonder if my chart looks so erratic because the last week or so, some days I've been able to sleep until 5:15 or 5:30 which may inflate my temperatures more than I thought. If I use the BBT adjuster to allow for temping at different times, it isn't that wide a gap. My body just must run low until it hits a certain point in the morning.

So, nothing new to report really. I keep debating if I want to have the doctors run more tests. I know I don't want it midcycle because my LH and FSH will always look inflated then...they would with any woman. If I start my period, I may consider it on CD3, which is when all hormonal testing should be taken. But, in all honesty, I don't know if I want it. Will a medical measurement bring me peace or anxiety and stress? Part of me wants to just trust, know and believe that it will happen and not have any news that makes me doubt it. But, just hearing myself say that shows I must have doubt about what the numbers will present.

Anyway, I'm undecided. I see so many woman in these support groups agonize over their numbers and I can't imagine the stress being good.

God Bless!

Possible Chemical Pregnancy

May 31, 2014

Well, the good news, I finally got a BFP. The bad, I started spotting within hours and bleeding shortly after that. I'm trying to look at the optimistic side of this. I can conceive. Whether it was egg health, poor endometrial lining, low progesterone, etc that prevented the pregnancy from "taking" I don't know. BUT, and the big BUT is, it's a step in the right direction.

I know the naysayers will say it may be the POF elevating HCG hormones, but remember, the last time, I had no endometrial lining, had not ovulated, my hormones were preventing me from ovulation and the thing that led to diagnosis was that I never did bleed.

Five months ago, I started treatment with the dismal diagnosis that I would never ovulate nor conceive. Three and a half months ago, I ovulated. Each month my LP got longer. This month, I conceived.

It was a pitiful faint line and I didn't even tell my husband because I wanted to make sure it darkened tomorrow (remember, a faint positive led to my diagnosis of POF) but when I started spotting I told him right away. I told him to not get too excited because I was spotting and my temp had dropped today, but I did get a positive pregnancy test. I said it was good news really...my body was obviously getting stronger, my eggs healthier...for whatever reason it didn't take, but we knew it COULD in the future.

I tested ridiculously early because we didn't know my actual ovulation date this month. I was either 8 days or 10-11, but I decided to test today because I'm taking herbs and wanted to discontinue at the first sight of a line.

I just called my TCM. They also agree it was most likely a chemical pregnancy, but actually seemed very happy at the news. They told me to reduce my herbs, but keep taking them. In the off chance it is a viable pregnancy, the herbs will support my system until we get a more strong positive. I am to call them with any change.

This journey is definitely a rollercoaster, but it has certainly humbled me. I said a long prayer and have put my trust in God. I have prayed for a HEALTHY pregnancy and HEALTHY baby, so if this was not a healthy egg, God and natural selection know. On the off chance it is implantation or hormone fluctuations, we will know soon enough.

For now, I am at peace knowing my body is healing. It's come SO LONG! The fact I was able to conceive defied all odds and I KNOW I will be able to conceive and go on to have a healthy baby. I know and trust.

God Bless.

Happy or Sad?

May 8, 2014

It's funny. A few months ago I would have been ecstatic to get my period, and part of me still is (ok, a huge part of me still is)...but, it's surprising how quickly my expectations have multiplied. It's almost since I had a period, I just expected I'd easily fall pregnant this month. Nope.

So, today, AF arrived. This morning my temp took a drastic drop and I got that foreboding feeling. I kept trying to tell myself there was a chance it was an "implantation dip" at 9 DPO, but knowing how short my LP was last month, I figured AF was around the corner. I noticed a little spotting a bit earlier and then after lunch a very light flow started. I also had some pretty serious cramping and backache. I don't really recall serious cramping before when trying to conceive but I only actually had two cycles off birth control and then "Viola" baby! So, I've little to compare it to. Besides, my hormones were VERY out of whack starting this whole process, so I've no clue what my new normal is.

An implantation dip is a drastic dip, I think they say at least .3 degrees within the days of implantation, typically 6-12, most likely around 7-9. Some people believe in it, some don't. It happens far more on pregnancy charts.

The scientific basis is that you have another estrogen surge after ovulation around the time that progesterone, the hormone that increases your temperature in case fertilization occurs, drops. In pregnant women, sometimes that estrogen surge is stronger. Once the egg implants, it releases HCG which tells the corpus luteum to keep producing progesterone until the placenta takes over later in pregnancy. I deduce the dip appears more on pregnancy charts because it shoots back up once the corpus luteum gets the memo to up the progesterone production again.  All I know is that when I charted before I never had a dip until I conceived my son. It dipped on his chart 7 DPO and it went triphasic, meaning the temps after the dip raised above my post ovulation temperatures from days 1-6.

I'm trying to see the silver lining. I went from no period and being told (basically) I would never get one nor ovulate, to ovulating after my body geared up several times with a short LP phase of 5 days (technically since I started menstruating on day 6 it would only be five) to this cycle, my body gearing up ONCE and following through with a successful ovulation and my luteal phase extending to 8 days with my period starting 9 DPO. If my body can gear up, ovulate and extend my LP again by 3 days I will be just about "normal."

So as crummy and disappointed as I feel right now, my body is actually healing quite nicely. I will be honest though. I just want to have a good cry. It's so unfair. In the grand scheme of things, I know I've been dealt a great hand overall and I feel so incredibly selfish I'm getting so woe is me over this, but it Just. Plain. Sucks.

I'm back to my TCM on Saturday so I'll discuss with them my short LP and go over with my doctor if I should start any supplements like royal jelly to start assisting my egg health. She's back from China this week, so it'll be good to get her input on my cycles and how my pulse feels.

My OBGYN had said after 6 months she'd be happy to retest my levels to see how the TCM was working out. My last test she ran was on Jan. 25, 2014. I started acupuncture on Weds Jan. 29 and herbs the following month on Fri. Feb. 21. My six months from the diagnosing blood draw will be July 25. If no BFP by then, I will request an updated lab. This time, I want it drawn on the appropriate CD3 (cycle day 3.) That is the most accurate day to measure LH and FSH. Since I'd had no period before, we just worked with what we had.

Plodding on. Happy and sad.

My Pep Talk Numero Dos (And a rehash for my sanity)

April 20, 2014

Happy Easter!! What an amazing day. I’ve always been humbled by God’s sacrifice to send his only son to suffer, die and be risen to redeem us from our sins, but this year it really hit home. As I sat and read Reed the Easter story, I started to cry. I was holding my own son, who is so dear to me. That sacrifice is beyond compare. I am so happy and grateful to have a Creator that loves and treasures us so much. We are saved and healed by the stripes Jesus wore.

Today my temp dropped again so I’m rather confident I’ve started a new cycle. I did take an HPT in case, and it was negative. I’ll give it one more day to make sure my temp stays low tomorrow then start doing my castor oil packs and Epsom salt baths again until I ovulate. I feel refreshed. It’s a clean slate and I feel like I’m getting a handle on how my body is working. Ever since I ovulated, my OPK tests are extremely negative barely showing a second line at all, so I feel good knowing my LH is under control. I’ve no idea where my FSH is, but knowing one hormone dropped and that I ovulated, I’m confident it’s lower. I’m also almost three months into my treatment, so more than halfway to the 150 mark where my dormant follicles should be “awake.” Yahoo!

http://natural-fertility-info.com/increase-egg-health

I believe I listed it before, but here is a link to their POF page. I started with the supplements they suggested for the first few weeks, but a few weeks into treatment I talked more with my TCM and they suggested stopping all of these and letting their herbs work their magic. Because my problem was a hormonal imbalance, they said I was very delicate, and they didn’t want anything to interfere or more importantly hurt me in anyway. After my next cycle, I may ask them more about some of the supplements suggested here like Royal jelly to help with egg health too.

http://natural-fertility-info.com/premature-ovarian-failure.html

That site listed above has been my go-to through this whole journey. I research their info on other sites too and then speak with either my doctor or TCM to verify it will help my situation, but even for knowledge sake…most every fertility supplement is broken down somewhere eon there listing both the benefits and risks, dosage sizes, and excellent explanations for how each ones can help.

As I research my POF further, I really think it was caused by adrenal fatigue. Here are few links to it…

http://natural-fertility-info.com/is-my-adrenal-health-affecting-my-fertility.html

http://wynyardchiro.com.au/the-adrenals-and-pregnancy/

At the time I was diagnosed, my son (a miserable sleeper) had been up, quite literally every night almost all night long from birth. From the months of September to January, I was lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep a night, which was interrupted – consisting of 45 minute segments. In November and December, I rarely got more than 2 hrs of sleep. My husband often traveled when he did have work, so I had no night time help and when he was in town, he often catered which meant he’d work late and then sleep.

My son would only sleep if being held or his back rubbed in the crib. With my severe lack of sleep, I was also his primary care giver and struggling to work 30 hrs a week during his naps and after he went to bed at night. Often times, because it was just me, I’d have toast or cereal at night. My healthy diet I prided myself on, went out the window the last six months before my diagnosis. 

I was also the primary bread winner, as my husband was out of work the last three months before diagnosis. We were travelling, I was sleep deprived and highly stressed. As I’m watching my hormones fall back into line, I believe without a doubt my POF was adrenal failure. My hormones were wacky and my initial tests showed elevated pitocin levels which they attributed to breast feeding. The goods news is, if it was adrenal failure, I am now sleeping a full night (8 hrs), eating almost all organic and nutritious, meditating and exercising to reduce stress and my husband now has a full time job in town to help around the house and contribute more financially. No wonder my hormones are falling back in check.

Sorry for the repetitive nature…as things are getting back into swing, I took time to review all that has happened and how far I’ve come and reassure myself that it takes time. I’ve been patient thus far, and can remain so for total healing.

Never say Never

March 7, 2014

I’m one step closer to “going live” on this blog. I’m a member of several forums and support groups and I just had a mom thank me for directing her to a website with information regarding herbs.  She said about her TEEN daughter “She is beyond the point of no return with her POF but herbal remedies might help with some of the physical issues.”

Are you kidding me right now?? Past the point of no return?? A TEEN!?!

Maybe she is. Maybe she was just born incredibly unlucky, but MAYBE SHE ISN’T!! This is why I’m so saddened by the medical profession. They don’t understand, your body is a WHOLE. Your body needs to be healthy through and through for it to function properly. How many teen girls out there are told they will never have functioning ovaries and just suck it up and get medicine for the rest of their life? It makes me sad and it makes me MAD!

No teen girl should be handed a diagnosis like that. You know what?  My numbers were past the point of no return by ALL medical stand points!! I’m one of the “worst” cases.

FSH 136.5

LH 98

Estradoil not even recognizable

AMF <.03

But, I don’t believe that nonsense. They handed me that “diagnosis” without even asking anything going on in my life. No symptoms, stresses, etc. My TCM listened to everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. They want to know all your stresses, how you handle them, any discharge, how often you have a bowel movement, what you eat, exercise, etc. The list goes on and on.

Please please please. No matter your age, NEVER let them tell you your case is hopeless. I just started reading The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis, and if you struggle with any type of infertility, please do yourself a favor and read this book. It will open you eyes. Your body is a WHOLE. It is not a part. Treat your WHOLE body right and your fertility will be restored.

God bless you. All of you out there struggling with infertility and especially this “disease.” With POF, you are written off as hopeless. Do not let them. Do not. Do not. Do not.

My LH was 98! 98!! Within a month I brought it down to not even register on an OPK. And you know what, I think I may have actually ovulated this month. My body surged last week but I never saw a temp shift. Well, two days ago, I got another positive OPK, fertile CM and a high soft cervix. This morning, my temp shifted by .38 degrees up. We will see if it stays up there and what the next two weeks brings, but six weeks ago I was told it was impossible. Hang in there!