Bone Health

March 17, 2019

Alright, I've been honestly stressing out about all of this. It is echoing in my head. My bones depleted by 7% these last three years. Holy crud. In that time, I was basically pregnant or on hormones trying to get pregnant about a year...so I had the estrogen. Yikes. I'm also dealing with severely recessed gums. Last dentist exam instead of the usual, wow, your teeth are amazing, she said my oral hygiene wasn't as good. Excuse me? I brush a bazillion times per day, floss, use mouth wash. My gums are recessing faster. I have pockets. It's due to no estrogen.

I basically need to stick it out one more month to get the babies I donate breastmilk to, to one year. After that, I think I may need to bite the bullet and start the bioidenticals. My own son really only nurses morning and night now. When he's home, he will nurse at nap time or for emotional comfort. I think cutting back the pumping will help my body regain some nutrients. Pumping an extra 24-30 oz is a lot for a body to do. My endocrinologist did say some bone density will return once I wean.

I started taking the new calcium along with my other one. So now, I take two Young Living Super Cal Plus, two Garden of Life Raw Calcium. The Garden of life has the stronium in it, but a very, very small dose. I will start their Grow Bone once I wean. The reviews are fantastic and my endo gave me the go ahead. I also just started the Young Living BLM supplement. It has the glucosamine sulfate and collagen. I'm keeping up with the Biosil and current collagen I'm on as well. In a support group, someone mentioned taking Boron as well. Lo and behold, I did some research and very promising info. The raw calcium does have some, but since I'm doing a half dose of that, I did get a 3 mg supplement.

My sister in law suggested two workout sets, so I ordered these and these as well. The kiddos and I have been doing our exercises at night, I've been doing weights a few times a week, and I've been very diligent about making sure to at least take 20 minutes a day for a brisk walk. I'm doing jumping jacks every time I get up to get a drink or go to the bathroom from work, squatting holding my son, anything to fit in extra weight bearing exercise.

I think I feel panicky because I'm not doing everything I can, but I'm not emotionally done nursing and my son is nowhere near emotionally or physically done. I keep weighing my long term health vs where we're at now. I can't supplement with herbs or supplements, I'm nervous starting BHRT... Ugh. I just need to take a breath. The reality is, a few extra months won't do long term damage. I just need to do what I can and trust. I can start on the BHRT once I'm done donating. "Normal" women have estrogen in their blood and milk all the time...granted this isn't naturally produced, but the effects are the same. I absolutely despise I need medication. I pray for no ill effects.

I just want my body to cooperate...

On a lighter note...still meal kit obsessed! LOL We got our second Sunbasket delivery and it was delicious! Well, we all agreed the sesame crusted tuna and salmon nicoise was. I thought the blackened tempeh was ok, my husband was a hard no. Ah well. I knew it was taking a chance. I'm trying to shift more plant based. For my initial Sunbasket review go here.  So far, that is the one I've been most impressed by overall.

I'm excited to try out Hello Fresh this week. Stay tuned ;)

Endocrinologist Appointment

March 8, 2019

Well, yesterday I had the dreaded endocrinologist appointment following my DEXA scan, and the results weren't good. I knew I'd lost some bone mass, but was not prepared in the slightest to have my doctor walk in and suggest osteoporosis meds. Hard pass. My mouth dropped open.

As she reviewed my history she mentioned the last time I came in I had a two year old, to which I replied and I still do! Ha! Well, a six and a two year old. Her eyes got wide so I quickly chimed in through embryo donation...ahhhh. I also said I'm still nursing him and she got a bit quiet. Apparently, that took the osteoporosis med suggestion out of play since it's contraindicated.

Her next suggestion was estrogen therapy. I reminded her of my family history of estrogen driven cancers and added that since our last meeting my mom had also had uterine cancer and female cousin (40) had breast cancer. Again, she got quiet.

She was obviously deeply concerned, and I will hand it to her. She spent a lot of time while we hashed out and weighed all the options. She doesn't want me at risk for breast cancer, but at the rate my bones are deteriorating, I'd be in grave danger. As it stands, I'm still nursing so medications and even my herbal route from before are out.

She told me, very seriously, that I needed to make sure I was getting 1200 mg of calcium and 1000-2000 of Vitamin D a day. She said it could be from food or supplement, but I needed to ensure I was getting that much.

I've been taking Young Living's Super Cal Plus. The calcium levels are lower, but my understanding is it's more bioavailable to the body. As I researched calciums, the issue is a lot of people JUST take calcium or JUST calcium and D3. As I learned more about calcium, I started to see how controversial it is. Now, the controversy seems to be because people are just taking calcium supplements. Calcium by itself isn't absorbed by your body and what happens is it floats around and gathers in your arteries. This is what causes calcification and morphs into heart disease. In order for your bones to actually absorb the calcium, there needs to be adequate levels of calcium, D3, K2 and magnesium. People tend to overlook the K2 and magnesium. The Super Cal plus has all of them. It's enriched with essential oils that help make it more bioavailable and absorb better. I also like it is an algae sourced calcium.

I've also been drinking protein shakes that are calcuim rich. I add fortified almond milk, Orgain Superfoods protein powder and one scoop of Young Living's Balance complete which is higher in the calcium and fiber.

In addition to that, I looked more into Young Living's BLM. This one has glucosamine sulfate, collagen, MSM, Manganese and essential oils. As I broke down the ingredients, glucosamine sulfate has promising research that it can help bones heal faster. I haven't tried it yet, but put it on this month's order.

Another supplement I reviewed with my endocrinologist is strontium. Now, I've researched it before, but when I looked it up, it was suggested not to take while nursing, so I haven't taken it. When I brought it up though, she right away said she knew about it, there was promising stuff she knew about people using it in Australia and that since it wasn't FDA approved (it's a supplement) she couldn't prescribe it, but was totally fine with my taking it. Score.

Now, a heads up, when you google this one, strontium ranelate will pop up with red flags...THAT is a medication. Here is the deal when it comes to drugs and pharmaceuticals. You cannot market a natural mineral (like strontium.) In order to make money, drug companies must take a chemical constituent in a naturally occurring substance, make a synthetic version and THEN patent it. Ranelic acid is the synthetic compound used to create this drug. NATURAL strontium that is used in supplements in strontium citrate. As long as you are taking more calcium than strontium citrate, there have not been ANY adverse reactions reported in over 100 years.

I dug around and found a few good sources of natural strontium. Here is one and here. I love the GARDEN OF LIFE vitamin products and use this one for my multi vitamin. Now, I use the 50 and wise version because there is no iron. I have hemochromatosis so I can't have iron. If you need iron, search one of their other varieties.

So, my battle plan is to do weights a few times of week, be diligent walking and working out and once I wean my son start a bioidentical hormone therapy. I agreed to do a very low dose BHRT with a transdermal patch. She was going to prescribe oral, but I asked if transdermal would work. I want to bypass the liver processing the meds and lower my risk of blood clot and she agreed. It was funny, but when I asked for a bioidentical hormone she said my insurance didn't cover it. I said, I'm certain it does. She went on to explain they've no compounding pharmacies and was kind enough to humor me...so I pulled up this website and showed her that the FDA actually has several approved bioidentical hormones. The crazy part is the one she was going to prescribe was on there. Yay!

Here is the website so you can reference it. There are a lot of bioidentical ones available on the market that are covered by insurance so you don't have to spend hundreds a month at a compounding pharmacy.

I'm giving a shout out to my sister in law at Pod Performance. Beth is awesome. I text her asking for some recommendations on bone building workouts that would fit in my schedule (aka, no time at all.) She gave me a few suggestions that I could do when the kids were in the tub, when I was making dinner, etc. I need to make my bone health a priority, but have been freaking out how to fit it all in. Check out her page! 

After weaning, I will also start using my strontium supplement and a few other Young Living ones that are intended to support healthy hormones like Femigen and PD80/20. PD80/20 has DHEA which is the precurser to testosterone. There have been some positive studies about that one and bone health as well.

Right now, I'm using my calcium in addition to Ningxia red, multi greens, Life 9 probiotic, sulfurzyme, omegagize fish oil, Biosil  and a great collagen called Aminosculpt. I was diligently taking my minerals, and need to start that back up. I love Vital Earth's Fulvic Humic blend. It's not salty at all!

It was a discouraging day to say the least, but at least I've a game plan. I'm really upset I have to resort to medications, but I feel incredibly blessed that I had a doctor who listened to me, respected me, agreed with my concerns and found an option that I think is the best and safest method. How awesome is that?!

We considered my starting the BHRT now, but we both were a bit leery as I'm breastfeeding. The only contraindication really seems to be that my supply could dry up. BUT, as with any med, some gets in the breast milk, and we're talking about a hormone, soooo.... Makes me nervous. I'm also a milk donor. I don't want to mess with "stuff" in my milk that is going to another child.

I talked with the baby's mom yesterday about my doctor's visit. She actually watched my oldest while I went so he didn't have to sit in the waiting room with flu and colds and everything else! I talked to her about my visit and the options presented and she was too sweet to say that if I had to stop providing milk, my health came first. I told her following through to get her babies (she has twins - the boy relies on my milk) to a year is my goal and I'd committed that to her. They turn a year April 20th! A month and a half isn't going to make or break my bone health! I DID tell her though that at a year, I'd begin weaning from the pump. I don't mind my son nursing as long as he wants, but on some days I'm producing upwards of 30 oz for her. That's a lot of milk.

Something else I talked about with my endocrinologist is the fact I'd read about how breastfeeding can lower bone density temporarily and she verified that. When I'm done nursing, some bone density should come back. Not all I've lost, but a bit. That was reassuring.

Well, I've rambled long enough. It was a very emotional day. I feel so frustrated. My health overall, is good. I feel great. I've never been healthier. I don't get sick. I've good energy. And then this... I've no control over it and it's so frustrating and disheartening. I'm very type A in control and not having it...UGH!

As always, God Bless!

Ugh Hormone Reality

October 26, 2018

Well, I bit the bullet and got my hormone panel run. I'll be honest, things have been stressful. I've been getting very little sleep, dealing with an ill fur baby, teaching several essential oil classes every week, rolling out new acting projects, working a full time job, doing the whole PTA thing, just wrapped a huge church event I was helping run AND trying to be as present as possible with my family. To say I've been stretched thin is an understatement. And, my body is apparently feeling it. Here I am educating people on healthy choices, completely running myself into the ground. Isn't that the way it goes? I make sure my kids are taken care of - good food, oiled up, adequate sleep...do I do the same for myself? Um, nope.

Oddly enough, other than a few hot flashes here and there, I've felt like my hormones were doing ok. I've attributed my lack of energy, poor focus and being short tempered to stress.  I've my little oil and supplement regimen, and apparently it's been working well enough to take the edge off, because I honestly haven't felt poorly and haven't been getting sick constantly like before. So, when I got my hormone panel, my spirits sank.

FSH 161.2
Estradiol <10 pg/ml

Right to the gut. I can't aggressively do anything homeopathic because I'm nursing. A lot of herbal supplements contain herbs I'm not comfortable using while breastfeeding. I know this is a poor excuse for not exercising or sleeping as I should, but I honestly can't find the time. It's clear I need to look at a bioidentical hormone replacement therapy of some sort. I need to think of long term health - bones, heart, mind... I'm also praying I can let my day job go or cut hours drastically. I'm on the verge of just being able to focus on essential oil education and acting. That brings such joy to me and oh man...if I could do something fulfilling with my time, that'd alleviate so much stress for me.

I do NOT want to wean. That, I am sure. I'm wondering if a hormone therapy will decrease milk supply. That will be fine for my son...I think he will still get plenty, but I'm feeling massive guilt. I've been donating milk the last year and have a long term family. There are twins, one with some physical and cognitive issues that I provide milk for everyday. I've been able to give him 16-24 oz per day and it's been beneficial for him. He doesn't tolerate formulas well. I know this may decrease my supply and I already know how stressed his mom is about trying to feed him and / or afford formulas. Ugh.

I've been crying this morning. I just feel so emotional about it all.

S, my sweet (almost) two year old is such a smart, inquisitive, headstrong little guy. He's incredibly smart, and it's been eye opening how that presents it's own challenges. People think he's three or four, but he's not even two. So, although he can communicate like an older child with full sentences and insightful questions, great memory, he even plays sports like an older child, catching, throwing, hitting, kicking, and impressively so...He'll sing songs, recite his alphabet, prayers and colors,...all these things that sound "impressive" or braggy, but my point is...he's not even two.  People don't know how to deal with him all the time, because emotionally, he's still a toddler. So, he does all these big boy things, and he has BIG feelings. Big. And, he doesn't know how to process them all the time. I think it's scary for him, so he has big reactions. I've found just holding him and hugging him until he can get control helps, but not everyone understands that. They yell or get frustrated with him and it absolutely breaks my heart. I know his emotions will catch up with that bright little mind of his, but until it does, I'm just so on edge advocating for him, making people try to understand he needs extra love and reassurance. He doesn't need grumbling and complaining and telling me he's acting out. One day that headstrong little personality will run an empire, of this I'm sure. I definitely don't need to worry about him and peer pressure...he'll tell those peers right where to go.

R, my oldest is dealing with his own set of needs. Kindergarten has been eye opening. There are a lot of children out there, I can't say mean spirited, because I don't think any child is, but who definitely have been shaped by different experiences. I feel like I'm constantly trying to encourage him to be strong in who he is, unique and proud. I've certainly gotten my first taste of having to let go and watch him struggle, and I'll be honest, it sucks. You have to let them live their life, and I need to step back and both equip him with social skills to stand up for himself, but not overstep. It's been a tightrope. He also is at an age where he is finding himself, his independence and that can have it's own set of challenges. He too, is very bright, and his TK program well equipped him, so there is a lot of review this year. The days he falls down to a lower color (behavioral chart) are the days we find he's "bored" and reviewing things. I want to swoop in there and tell the teacher to challenge him vs reprimand him, but again, gotta let the teacher do their job. Yeesh, this motherhood thing is tough.

Well, I'm clearly an emotional mess today. lol So, excuse my musings. Overall, life is good. I'm just grappling with how to take care of myself health wise in the best way possible.

I KNOW I do not want certain HRT. I am SO strongly opposed to medications derived from horse urine...from a moralistic standpoint, google how those are created. Animal cruelty plain and simple. I also don't agree with how so many synthetic hormones are metabolized in the body and not processed correctly leading to other issues and having various side effects. I know there are some good bioidenticals out there, just I'm not sure at this point if my insurance covers them.

Ah well, one foot in front of the other. I'm sure the answers will be presented. They always are. I haven't turned to prayer yet, so perhaps instead of my mind spinning...that is where I should start. Let go and let God...

Blessings.

CD3 Results

March 26, 2015

Well, my results for my FSH and estradiol are in. Drum. Roll. Please.

Meh, forget it. It was more of a trip over a drum set, crash, scenario.

Well, my FSH actually went up a bit from 48 to 55.7. Both are way way waaaaay down from my original diagnosis reading of 136, so grateful, I suppose.

Last night, it all came to a head. I was a sobbing mess. Why why why? I eat well. I take care of myself. I don't use toxins. Was it because I was sick last week? Didn't sleep well the night before? Have been stressed? Because I had a long anovulatory cycle? And on and on and on. It just seemed so bloody unfair. My poor husband came home from a work trip and was met with me. He asked did I want to talk about it and all I could respond is "there's nothing to say. I'm sad. I'm mad. I've had it."

But, then I expounded. It wasn't fair. To me. To our son. To him. He got saddled with a broken old woman. At which point, I crumbled. Completely. Thankfully, I've a very supportive and encouraging husband who teared up immediately and said to NEVER, EVER say that again.

Basically, that was the first time I just let it all spill how incredibly guilty I feel for putting him and our family through this. I KNOW it's not my fault. I KNOW. It's hard to stop FEELING though.

The crazy thing is, I feel the same I did health wise as when I conceived our son. We got to talking that maybe this is something I've had the whole time. I went back through my old charts TTC our son. I had night sweats then as well. When they say every child is a miracle, I believe it, but in our case, he may be a miracle ten fold. I won't ever let go of God's healing hand blessing us again. I won't. I did feel though a wave of gratitude how lucky we are.

I also had a good cry about being so hard on myself for feeling guilty that I'm upset and angry. We are so blessed. We've a house. Food. Family. Other than this little debacle, our health. It felt good to just let it out, and boy, was I exhausted.

I woke up refreshed (thanks to my son sleeping in) and to my estradiol lab. That one came in lower than last time at 40. Which, is actually good news. Basically CD3 estradiol should be between 25-75, the higher the number the more indicative it is of diminished reserve. For IVF purposes I know, they like to see a lower number. My number of 40 was not only normal, but almost exactly where medically speaking it should be.

My number before of 89, which a whole lot better than ZERO, was considered high and most likely suppressing my FSH. So, my true FSH at that point, may be closer to what it read this time at 55.7.

What does all this mean? Well, I think Weds. appointment with the fertility specialist will be much more indicative of what is up with me once we can see my ovaries, follicles, lining, etc, but for now it tells me that my ovaries are working too hard still.

I panicked last night wondering if HRT was a necessity as I read over the list of what POF causes...heart attack, osteoporosis, increased risk of cancers, stroke, dementia, vaginal atrophy...and on and on. The dementia really gets me. My grandma died of Alzheimers and I know I'm at increased risk. The earlier you go through menopause, the higher your risk.

What my labs showed though was my estrogen was actually right where it should be. It may not have the same surges as a "younger" woman hormonally speaking because not as many follicles mature (each maturing follicle makes your estrogen surge to about 200 higher) but it's in a healthy level. So despite my higher labs for FSH, my estrogen in on point where HRT would put it anyway.

I feel like if I look at myself as a whole (not just fertility wise) and can keep my estrogen, calcium and vitamin D in check, there still is no need for HRT. After 15 years of taking birth control pills I don't know why I'm so resistant. I think because I partly blame them for my issues. Every drug I've taken, I've had such an exaggerated reaction. In high school when I got my wisdom teeth out they couldn't wake me from the pain killer and I spent hours throwing up and passing back out. When I was induced, the drug I was suppose to get every four hours was so strong eight hours later they still refused the second dose. When they put me on pit I contracted so long and hard they thought my uterus would rupture. I just can't help but feel my body is incredibly sensitive to drugs and they reek havoc on my system.

Anyway, thought I'd update you all. So, my labs for all intents and purposes are the same. My FSH is still around the same so not worse, definitely not better, but my estrogen is healthy.

I went to my TCM today for acupuncture because I'm actually filming Saturday when my original appointment was scheduled. He was excited I'd gotten my period.

During acupuncture he did the same fertility points, stuck with the depression points again as well and then I asked him to do some carpal tunnel points since I work so long at the computer and I've been having lingering pain. It's hard to get to sleep at night. I had to chuckle when he put them in my head. He again told me how good he was...most times those needles really hurt people but he's so gentle I barely felt it.

I almost did start laughing out loud when he was doing the points on my abdomen. The two points really hurt. It just so happens it's right, I mean RIGHT over my private parts so my pants are tucked down really far. He just blurted out "I'm nervous."

Nervous?? To do acupuncture? Yes, he said, so close to your privates. I don't want to touch it. I couldn't help but laugh. He is a doctor after all so I've never put much thought to it, but perhaps that is why my female doctor typically does the fertility stuff. She's still in China.

My pulse was much better after the session. He said the Qi may have been a little low today because I am still menstruating. The good thing is my period has been a good length. It started a bit "scanty" as they like to call it, or light, but picked up a bit. Not a heavy flow, but a consistent, red flow. There was a bit darker color, but I think from the long anovulatory cycle. He also loaded me up on herbs.

I'm really praying if I should continue this.

I did order my essential oils and will be happy to start using more of them. I think the clary sage has been helping. I've also been making sure to eat more fats which I think can only help overall.

After Weds I think I will be more in tune with my body, but I spent all night and day really trying to feel God's presence. I feel like I'm at a point where I can "give up" my efforts and trust God. I hope, pray and do believe I will conceive, but I also feel like I need to open myself that our child will come however he or she comes. I seek so hard for the answers to fertility, or how to make fostering or adoption or embryo adoption work and I need to find a calm and really allow God to PRESENT it to me. I don't know how that will happen. At times I don't believe it can, but I need to push that behind me and trust it will.

Last night all I wanted to do is scream "Why God" are you allowing this, but I know the answer. GOD isn't. God empowers me to DEAL with it. Satan, the devil, however you want to call it, is in charge of evil, sickness, death, despair. So sorry to get all biblical on you, but "Get thee behind me Satan." I'll have no part of it.

I've a renewed peace today. I've had a few moments of tears, but I'll come out ahead.

God Bless.

Acupuncture, Cockroaches and Spiritual Reading

Sept. 19, 2014

Well, it was back to acupuncture yesterday. I arrived a couple minutes early and noticed a cockroach scurrying in the hallway. Before you get the heeby jeebies, it was not in my TCM's office. They share a building with a dentist office. They hadn't arrived yet, and I was sitting in the hallway that divides the two. I saw it was hurt and had a moment of, do I squish him and put him out of his misery or try and shoo him outside. Before I made my decision they arrived.

Why do I mention the cockroach? As my TCM was taking my pulse, her husband, who translates for me was sitting at the desk transfixed on this beast in the hallway. Out of the blue he started telling me about the cockroaches anatomy and how they are pretty much invincible on the top of their bodies because their shells are almost impenetrable making them very tough to get rid of. Then he told me, that on their anatomies, insecticides work through their abdomen which is why people spray the ground. They drag their bodies over it and it ends up killing them.

He was telling me that a good pesticide is detergent or cleaner because it eats into their body and dissolves their lipids. He then proceeded to pull out a bottle of 409. He squirted the guy three times on his abdomen and within minutes, he was dead. Moral of my story?? 409 killed this impenetrable beast! It really made it sink in why we did away with cleaners in our household. It's just a small example, but think of all the cleaners we "clean" with, how many chemicals we spray in our homes with air fresheners, we burn candles, we clean our teeth, hair, faces, bodies with them. Yikes!

The visit itself went well. When she read my pulse yesterday there was no frown. She said "Ok" and proceeded to say in Chinese the diagnosis. He translated that I was getting stronger. My pulses were much better today. Not necessarily strong, but not bad. For a normal person, they were "ok" and in my book, I'll chalk that up to a win.

She did the same main points, but I saw a few things switch up. She put a needle into the top of my skull. It is suppose to draw my energy down to connect with the needles in my reproductive points to help menstruation flow. She also moved the needles in my left hand to my right, and put a needle in my ring finger in the left hand. I couldn't really get a translation what that was for, but I know we put our rings there because it's suppose to symbolically lead to our heart so my assumption is something for my Qi.

I literally felt the energy today. I had a hot flash in the middle, which normally, I'd be a bit concerned by with a POF diagnosis, but my whole body felt like it swelled up and coursed with energy. It felt like when you wear a ring in the hot summer and it feels too small...that's how my whole body felt for a minute. Very bizarre.

Afterwards, my pulse was even better. She filled me up on herbs for a week. One more acupuncture visit and a replenish of herbs next week before they go to China for three weeks. When they return, most likely back to weekly acupuncture.

On this visit, I remembered they'd told me to start taking resveratrol a few weeks back because it's a high antioxidant and is suppose to help with blood flow. It's the chemical found in grape leaves which is why sometimes you hear people say a glass or red wine will prevent heart disease. It's the resveratrol, not the wine ;)

So, I ordered some. I did a bit of research and did find that it has been linked to fertility. Basically, it helps protect the eggs from prematurely aging, as with the rest of your body. An interesting thing I found, especially for those with POF is that it helps prevent osteoperosis. When you have POF, your body literally drains your bones of calcium, which is why a calcium supplement is so important, and why doctors often prescribe HRT. The HRT helps prevent bone loss. What they are now finding is resveratrol works just as well as some HRT regimens at protecting your bones.

Here is an interesting article. There are dozens more in you goodle resveratrol and fertility of health benefits, but this one spoke specifically about HRT.

http://www.naturopathiccurrents.com/articles/resveratrol_uncovering_the_health_benefits_of_red_wine

The fertility dosage I was able to find is 400 mg, however, I hate starting at the top. I began 200 mg dose yesterday. I found a good deal at iHerb that is non GMO and guaranteed to not have chemicals and not have had any pesticide. Here is a link to that supplement. Use coupon POD190 for $5 off your first order any price of $10 off $40. The other thing I like about that site is their warehouse is climate controlled, which it isn't at other facilities like Amazon.

http://www.iherb.com/Paradise-Herbs-Resveratrol-60-Veggie-Caps/4232#p=1&oos=1&disc=0&lc=en-US&w=resveratrol&rc=443&sr=null&ic=7

(just an update to the above, that blend does not have very high resveratrol - here is the brand I use now

In other news, I read the book Inconceivable that I'd talked about ordering in a previous post. It was a nice book about someone's journey through secondary infertility. I really connected to her in parts because people automatically assume that since you had one child, it makes the diagnosis somehow easier. Not so. It's also hard to find support within the infertility community because people are struggling to have any child, and your having one is sometimes met with confusion and even hostility. It also makes you feel guilty at times that you are being so "greedy" to want another when some people have none. In this book, the author dealt with all those emotions.

I liked she explored many of the same things I'm doing and it reminded me the benefits of yoga. I'd kind of put them aside when I started meditating at night, but it reminded me that it also has to do with increased blood flow and body strength as well as quieting the mind. I've reincorporated that into my life the last few days. Just three poses really. I do them in the morning, in the afternoon if I remember and at night before bed. My son has actually started "kind of" doing them also :)

I do The Supported Shoulder Stand, The Supported Bridge Pose (both not to be done during menstruation because they are considered inverted, and during menstruation you don't want to send blood the wrong way) and The Cobra. Here is a good link to six poses and how they are good. I open my hip flexors at night during meditation similar to the Butterfly, but lying down on my towels.

http://magkaye.hubpages.com/hub/The-6-Best-Yoga-Poses-for-Fertility

I also got the first of Nerida Walker's books. Well, actually it's her second, but it arrived first, so I started reading it last night. I LOVE IT!! She really has been a blessing in my life and I'm so eager to read more and dig into the word. I've been trying to be still and rest in God's provisions for my life. I know places like Barnes and Noble and Amazon carry them, but I always buy second hand at Abe Books or Alibris.

I'm doing better. I'm still doing my "regimen" of sorts but it really has come with more of a peace. If I forget something, there is no panic, and I've eased up on taking the OPKs. I do them every 2-3 days, and they are still glaring positive at me, so my hormones are in over drive. What that means is my body really, really wants to ovulate, but things aren't really cooperating. In the mean time, trying to center myself. Miracles can happen, but they are most miraculous when the odds seem impossible I suppose. Maybe this will just make my testimony all the more powerful for someone who needs believing.

God Bless!

Document This?

Aug. 31, 2014

So, I know I've touch on it in past blogs, but I'm an actor. I've been going over and over about doing a documentary on having POF and trying to get pregnant. Of course, the goal, both on a personal level and objectively, on a professional level -------> much cooler ending with baby in tow...

Is this something you'd be interested in? What aspects would you like to know about? Follow? Would you want to see the acupuncture? Chiropractic care? An interview of my doctors? Other POF patients? Should I video blog to add that into the documentary in addition to literary blogging? If (er, when) I get pregnant, continue it on through the pregnancy?

I feel silly starting it this late in the game, but who knows, my game could go on for years. I just feel like there isn't much out there about this disease other than shut up, take your HRT and adopt or get a donor egg and give IVF a whirl. It's kind of brushed on the rug.

Any blog readers have thoughts? Suggestions?

I haven't talked to any of my providers so who knows if they'd participate...

Confusion, Frustration and Just Plain Blah

July 8, 2014

Well, it's been a while since my last post and I do apologize. I went on vacation (which was amazing and relaxing) to visit my family. 17 glorious days!! I kind of let the "baby making obsession" go out the window. I cheated more than I should have with foods, um, I ate ice cream, didn't obsess about all the organics as much at parties and get togethers and dare I say, had half a drink. Still not wild and crazy, but I "let it go" for a bit.

A few different times I sat down to write but was just feeling out of sorts and didn't. Thinking back, those are probably the times I should. A journey isn't a journey without the highs and lows. I felt very, very low a few of those days.

I intended to write before I left about my TCM appointment. I had delayed ovulation and they, and myself were attributing it to the CP last month. My TCM did say that my pulse was "nervous" and she thought perhaps I was worried about the delayed ovulation, thus making it delayed even more. Could be! At that point, I wasn't really obsessed about it, but it could have been that along with my meeting deadlines with work and packing for our trip.

Fertility Friend marked me as ovulating the day I left for my trip, but I didn't think I did. I never got much fertile CM, my cervix never opened and my temps did jump a bit, but nothing major and I think they remained up due to the three hour time difference. I was temping three hours ahead so my temps would be a bit inflated. I also didn't temp at the same time every day. Here, I temp at 4:30 am, there it was anywhere from 6-8. I decided not to obsess about it because the temps were already varying and I just wanted to sleep!

I did get another +OPK near the end of the trip and although my cervix didn't go super wide, it did get very high, soft and open a bit and then dropped down the next day as my temp shot up, so it could have been then.

In the mean time, I'm just still using the OPK's and tracking so I don't miss it. I'll take the pregnancy test every 4-5 days so if I get a positive I can quit with the herbs.

I was having quite a few days of being discouraged because of the confusion in my cycle and the OPK's remaining dark...not positive but dark. Knowing heightened LH can be caused in POF I was feeling like it was coming back full force. I also had a day or two of what I though were very, very faint positives on my pregnancy test which I attributed to low levels of HCG due to POF. I kept giving it over to God and saying I trust that He and my body are doing what it should. Good news, after my suspected O date, my LH lines have gotten lighter and the HCG test is completely negative so I think my hormones are righting.

I'll be heading back to my TCM in the next few days to have my herbs adjusted and have them see how my body is doing. I did go back to the chiropractor today and all was surprisingly well. I had to be adjusted in a few areas, but considering I've spent the last few weeks on planes, varying beds and sofas and spent a six hour flight with a toddler on my lap (and every other which way) on the plane yesterday, I was in good shape.

I was also a bit out of sorts due to the whole Hobby Lobby / Birth control debacle. I'll keep my personal views out of it because I'm of the feeling no one will change anyone's mind on the issue, but what did strike me as ironic is insurance covers terminating pregnancies but not assisting getting pregnant. I could be wrong, maybe if fertility was required to be covered and a company petitioned to "opt out" of that there would be the same public outrage, but I don't think there would be. In fact, continuing on, it's best to remove Pro-Life/Pro Choice and birth control and abortion out of this. I'm not arguing for or against, but making an observation about how some procedures regarding fertility are considered mainstream, acceptable and a necessity and others are not. A statement someone made about viagra during the conversation really hit home for me (I'll get to that in a minute.)

My frustration lies in the fact it's not just a reproductive choice for me and so many women who are infertile with POF, but a catastrophic health condition. If your ovaries don't work, they don't produce hormones which your body needs. Upon diagnosis I was faced with a list a mile long of what POF does...shortened lifespan, poor life quality, vaginal atrophy, diminished sex drive, extreme mood swings, lack of concentration, and increased risk of osteoporosis (this one was all but guaranteed to me) heart attack, stroke, and various cancers.

Health insurance options may cover birth control pills or HRT, but those don't fix the condition and also have a long list of side effects. Until real research is done on POF, there will be no treatment. And, until health insurance recognizes reproductive infertility as a health condition, there never will be research. Sure, they will do research on high cost reproductive procedures like IVF because people pay for it out of desperation regardless of coverage, but research to cure a condition to make you "operational again"...Hmph. And, if health insurance had to recognize infertility as a "health" condition, they'd most likely have to start covering infertility / fertility at some point.

As my mom says, viagra will always be covered because men run the industry and she has a point. POF is kind of the female equivalent. Someone made a flippant comment during a discussion that if men can't get it up they don't deserve to have children, and in my hormonal state I took great offense because I heard it as "I don't deserve to have children." We'll chalk my over reaction up to the POF raging hormones and I know the person didn't mean one iota of ill will, but in reality, it isn't all that far off. My belief is if abortions are covered, fertility should be. If viagra is covered and researched, POF should be researched, covered and treated as well.

I never engage in political (or religious as the case may be) conversation because I feel it's pointless arguing an issue people are already set in their ways, so forgive me if my ramblings and frustration have riled you up. Not my intention. I was just hoping to work through my feelings and maybe help people look at fertility (and its importance) in another light.  Before my diagnosis I thought of fertility coverage as a "choice" to grow your family and it never hit home that it SHOULD be a choice available, not only to grow your family but treat life altering conditions. I was ignorant. If any other organ in your body didn't function properly, it would be addressed and treated.

Stepping off soap box. <---- Maybe I can just leave my "blah" attitude at the door now and carry on.

In all truth today has been much better. As much as I miss my family, I feel optimistic about things...both my career and fertility.

Hang in there ladies!! God bless!

Almost Normal

April 26, 2014

What a busy day! My day started out right with a mommy and son date to the Mother’s Day breakfast at his daycare that he attends two day s a week. Quite the handsome little man!

Then, off to acupuncture. My doctor, Dr. Li is in China so her husband (who normally translates for her) was treating me today. I was wondering how it would go since he’s never taken my pulse and had only her notes to compare it to, but it went well. She apparently takes very detailed notes, and he’s been there translating for three months now, so I think he gets the “gist” of things.

He said compared to her notes, my pulse was much stronger today. When I pushed and prodded a bit more, he said “good.” And when I pushed and prodded even more asking about specific channels, he said that my pulse was actually almost “normal.” Almost normal! Music to my ears.

They had explained to me early on that my Chi would always be a little lower because of my small stature, so I get that. I’m not quite sure how my TCM pulse points and actual pulse / blood pressure according to Western Medicine measure up, but I’ve always had very low blood pressure. During pregnancy, my blood pressure was alarmingly low. At one visit, they retook it four times because my doctor was convinced it was wrong. She said I’d be comatose with a blood pressure reading like that. I’m not quite sure if it went up because it had been measured incorrectly the first three times, or I was getting freaked out and it spiked.

But, almost normal sounded like great news to me! He checked my tongue and nodded. I’ve never gotten more explanation that a nod when they check my tongue. I’ll inquire more next time. He reviewed her notes and put a few markings down for some slight changes to my mixture for the next two weeks.

As he was measuring the herbs out I started asking him about specific ones in the mix and could tell he was getting flustered. I was literally asking what they were, but I could tell he misunderstood that I was asking what each one DID. He told me her prescription was very scientific. Some herbs were for the heat element, some cooling, some damp, etc. He said that some herbs were only for specific organs and others were added in for other organs or to prevent a certain herb from acting on the wrong organ, etc. He said “very, very complicated.” His wife, my doctor, was the true “chemist” when it came to that so he let her be in charge of that. He said he’d only tweaked her mixture VERY slightly according to my symptoms this week.

I discussed with him my light period and he didn’t seem too concerned. He said the fact I GOT a period was a good sign. The ultimate goal is to get me to menstruate around 4-5 days. Out of curiosity I looked back at my chart from the cycle I conceived my son and I had bled for three days. I had also ovulated day 12 that cycle, so, a bit earlier than average, but totally within a normal window. Judging by my fertility signs this cycle, I anticipate ovulating around that time this cycle too (fingers crossed my ovaries kick one out!!)

For now, I’ll take “almost normal.” On my way!

Intro

Where to begin… I suppose a brief intro and overview is in order. I'm post dating this to Jan. 1, 2014, so the order of my blog posts (which I had been writing privately as a POF diary for myself initially saved to my computer) are in the correct order. For your record, it is April 24. It took me over three months to process this diagnosis and be in a positive place sharing my story. So, don't beat yourself up if you need time. I also have not shared with anyone outside my immediate family circle aside from three close friends. It's still a bit too raw and I don't want any negativity, backlash or questioning of my motives or decision for treatment from anyone, especially those that are close. I'll let you know when I am able to make that personal and public announcement outside my own blogosphere so you can share in that "journey" too. 

My name is Emily and I am blessed by one incredible son and an awesome husband. My journey with secondary infertility began at the start of this year. Or, shall I say, my knowledge of my infertility slapped me in the face. Happy New Year to you too!

My son was born November 22, 2012. He was our Turkey Baby born at 11:12 pm, just in time for me to shovel in some pie after snacking on ice chips all day long. We had no trouble conceiving him at all. Married May 2011, ditched the birth control and started trying in November and after a wonky cycle or two of my body not relying on birth control to man the ship for 14 years and regulate it's cycles, conceived on our third cycle. We got our BFP, big fat positive, on the test March 9^th, 2013. So, this baby making stuff is easy! Right?!

Gulp.

After having my son, I was just convinced that my period hadn’t returned since I was breast feeding. He was a horrible sleeper and nursed constantly through the night, so the constant nipple stimulation was keeping it at bay. Or, so I thought. My hubby and I started trying in September for a baby thinking maybe we’d just “catch that first egg.” And, we thought we had.

When we got back from our Christmas vacation, I thought before taking a sip of New Year champagne, why not take a test to make sure. And it was positive! And so were eight others over the next few days, but they never darkened and finally disappeared. I was heartbroken thinking I’d had a chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage. But, I never bled.

After going back and forth a dozen times with an incompetent midwife who assured me my test was wrong (Hello lady, I took NINE!!) and my period would come when it normally does despite my trying to explain I hadn’t had a post partum period yet so I wouldn't even know when that would be, I finally contacted another doctor. She ran an HCG test and my level was 5. Less than 4 is not pregnant. 5 is typically borderline pregnant. She told me most likely it was a CP and I’d start to bleed anytime. I didn’t.

When no period came, they started to take me a bit more seriously. She referred me to another doctor in the OBGYN department. The doctor I met with, who I shall refer to as “Jack Knob” because my other references to him aren’t PG enough for your web browsing eyes to see, came in and with no emotion took a gander at my ovaries in an ultra sound, which he said looked fine. He told me my endometrial lining was 2 mm so wouldn’t sustain the pregnancy if there was indeed a pregnancy. He assured me he’d run some tests and let me know what they said. He promised he’d call to discuss the outcome.

Well, my test did come back. My HCG level was 7 (four days later) so it was going up, but not at the rate of a viable pregnancy. And, that is just what he told me. He put it in some fancy doctor lingo in an email that took me to google to translate, but basically said the high LH as well as slightly elevated HCG in my blood had been giving me the false positives on the pregnancy tests.

I, however, saw my FSH and LH levels and about fell out of my chair. My FSH was 111.8 and my LH was 65.3. FSH in a normal, healthy woman should be UNDER 12!! 12!! Mine was 100 higher. LH levels ebb and flow. It’s the hormone that tells your egg to pop out, and that was a high number, but the two high together meant bad news. I’d gone to Google and boy, oh boy, was that a mistake. Either Premature Ovarian Failure, aka, you are done, no babies for you, or a Pituitary Tumor, aka brain tumor. Well, Happy Flippin’ New Year.

When this moron didn’t make the connection, I emailed him back saying I was alarmed by those two high numbers, much more than the HCG.  I asked to have further testing to rule out a brain tumor. He EMAILED me saying it was most likely ovarian failure and he’d repeat the tests in four weeks. Um, four weeks?? Yeah, right. I asked him to please run a prolactin test and estrogen test for me. He called and callously told me it was probably POF. When I asked what treatment there was, he said “None. Your ovaries don’t work anymore.” My response, sobbing like a baby.

My estrogen levels came back undetectable and my prolactin showed a slight elevation most likely from breastfeeding. I sought another opinion.

This time, I meant with a very frank, but nice and thorough doctor. She went through my chart with me and took a lot of information to consult with an infertility specialist friend of hers. Infertility isn’t covered by my health plan. She also did a u/s and said my lining was paper thin.

The lab results this time, absolutely devastated me. 

HCG 7

FSH  136.5

LH 98.8

AMH <.03

I was basically told I was a 100+ year old post menopausal woman. My options were egg donor or adoption. Through tears, I asked what my options were and she said birth control pills to regulate hormones. Trying to keep it together I explained that I’d researched POF and there were rare people who ovulated. Birth control would take away that possibility. She told me, sometimes women with POF do squirt out an egg here or there and maybe “God would throw me a bone.” Oddly enough, I know she meant that as my chances were nil, but I found it reassuring. Yes, he would!

My AMH levels basically said I had no eggs and no follicles left. Hmph. Since then, I’ve done a lot of research, and this isn’t exactly true. Yes, there are no follicles in the beginning stages growing, but that really doesn’t have anything to do with how many eggs you have left or their quality. The doctors assume you don’t because none are growing, but in theory, if you are under duress, your ovaries, non essential organs, are one of the first to shut down. Given my lack of sleep and high stress, it’s conceivable, that’s exactly what they did.

In my fervent research of the disease I learned that over the course of 10 years, there is a 5%-10% chance a woman can spontaneously get pregnant with POF. Yes, my numbers were way, way higher than most POF women so my chances were slimmer, but there was one. My own rational was, my doctor immediately wanted to prescribe birth control. How many women with POF follow that directive and take it? So, they are automatically removing themselves from the pool for spontaneous pregnancy. Further more, how many make fertility minded changes in their life with diet? Exercise? And, as I researched further (I'll get to that) with acupuncture, chiropractic care and herbs and supplements? How many of these women that just spontaneously got pregnant were actually trying to better their odds? If 5-10% of all women, most of whom aren't actively trying or preparing their bodies can get pregnant, my odds were looking a lot better. Because, I was doing it all!

I had her refer me to an RE who refused to see me because I didn’t have infertility insurance. When I pressed the issue saying I was at increased odds for osteoporosis, heart disease, stroke and cancer without the correct hormones in my body they woman relented a bit on the phone and admitted that yes, my “infertility” put me at severe health risk. She then gently told me, pushing for a visit was a waste of money because they would tell me my situation was helpless. She gave me the adoption or donor egg speech. The third doctor to tell me this. Sigh.

I did more research and learned about HRT, hormone replacement therapy, but I didn’t like the idea of a lifetime of pumping pharmaceuticals into my body. And then, I came across some blogs and articles about alternative, holistic approaches. The more I read, the more I was intrigued.  

Western and Eastern medicines approached reproductive issues, POF especially very differently. Western medicine, as brilliant as it is, treats the symptoms and tries to prevent future complications like osteoporosis. Eastern medicine treats the overall body and tries to correct overall health which in turn will gently prod your body into doing what it should be doing.

The first few weeks after my diagnosis, I was barely functional. I was listless and downright pissed. Yes, I was blessed with an amazing little boy, but I’d always dreamed of a big family. I had dreams for him to grow up with a brother or sister. I grew up with many and couldn’t imagine not. My husband was very supportive, but it wasn’t until the last test that the gravity of what happened sunk in. I thought he didn’t care, but in reality, he hadn’t believed it until then.

I decided to open up to my mom, and three close friends, one of whom was dealing with infertility herself. Her and I had a heart to heart and she told me about an acupuncturist / herbalist she went to. I made an appointment to join her on her next visit. They told me I was basically depleted. My pulse was extremely weak and I had depression of the liver. The liver channel isn’t the “liver” but I had a lot of anger, resentment, stress and negative emotion built up in my body blocking my hormonal flow. They told me I was extremely unhealthy and weak. They suggested I stop breastfeeding first and foremost because I was literally giving all my energy and nutrients to my baby. This was an emotional struggle. One, I will deal with in future blogs. Second, they told me to limit my stress and immediately. Third, they told me they needed to tell my ovaries to ‘wake up’ and started acupuncture that day. Once I weaned, they would give me herbs to nourish my body.

I also started seeing a chiropractor because a healthy alignment is important to your nervous and endocrine system, which is really what fires the messages for your body to produce and release hormones. After my initial consult, my spine was really out of whack. Most likely from stress, exhaustion and, his words, basically motherhood destroys the body. The nursing, crouching, cuddling, lugging kids and diaper bags and car seats around...all takes a toll.

My husband and I decided to turn our path to God. We've always had faith, but this problem was far to great for us to even think of handling on our own.

We also decided to reevaluate and take stock. My body was exhausted and weak. My son, now 13 months had yet to sleep through the night. The three months leading up to my diagnosis, I rarely slept more than 2-3 hrs a night, never more than an hour or two at a time. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was trying to work as close to full time as possible during all his naps and at night in addition to the two full work days I had while he was in daycare. We were struggling financially and my husband had been working sporadic part time jobs for the last three months of the year. I was at my breaking point, and my body just gave out.

We decided I needed to limit stress. God answered our prayers by assisting with my sons sleeping. He’s now a champ and sleeps all through the night and for lengthier naps. My husband, thankfully, got a job in town. He used to travel so when he was working, I single parented it at home. His job meant he was here to help, and a consistent income.

I began reading about all the things that affect your fertility. Diet. Toxins. The list seemed endless but I decided to make some big changes…