TTC - One year Down

Sept. 26, 2014

Well, Sept. 23 was our one year TTC (Trying To Conceive) anniversary. It's been a wild ride this year. Lots of ups and downs. The downs are rather obvious, but the ups, well, here you go...

1. I've grown closer to my Lord and Savior. I've come to the conclusion that without Him I am powerless. I'm continuing to grow in his word and have Faith. And my Faith tells me I will be a mother of CHILDREN, not CHILD.

2. I do not take my family for granted. My husband and myself have been through the ringer. We've been challenged physically, emotionally, mentally, financially and psychologically, but we've not only survived, but grown stronger. I value every single second with my son. He is truly a miracle and has been God's greatest gift to our family. Being his mother is my greatest privilege in life.

3. I've learned a wealth of information about my body. From studying Eastern medicine, to aromatherapy, crystals, yoga, meditation, chiropractic care, massages, etc. I thought I'd learned so much our first time trying, but the minimum I learned about charting, cervical mucus and cervix position was the tip of the ice berg. With my diagnosis came a whole new world, or perception of the one I was living in. I've broadened my perspective and understanding on so many conventional things in our society. It's been enlightening and invigorating.

4. We've made huge life long changes in our family to reduce toxic exposure. We eat healthier, are physically active, have done away with any toxins we can do without. I feel positive and confident that we are setting good examples for our son, and setting him off on the right foot. I wish him lifelong happiness without physically or neurological ailments that could have been prevented.

5. I've met some (excuse my language) real KICK ASS LADIES!! From my own personal friend who has struggled beside me in TCM fertility, to ladies in mother's groups to ladies in forums and online support groups. Although we may not all see eye to eye on treatments or outlooks, it's so encouraging to have people to turn to. They constantly make me think, reflect and learn. The grit, determination, faith, strength and humor of the ladies struggling with fertility is unparalleled. I've also found comfort and support within the small group of family and friends that are aware of my diagnosis. Their prayers, support and encouragement are precious and appreciated.

6. I live for the moment. True, I get caught up at times in the what if's, but the truth of the matter is, I have the here and now. I trust I WILL be pregnant, but wasting precious moments now fretting over how soon that will come has worn me down in the past and it's not worth it. My baby will come soon, and while I can, I'm enjoying spending extra time with my ONE son now before he has a sibling. Extra time with my husband NOW before we've another child. Extra time pursuing my career, before I've another year off gaining my footing again.

7. I have learned to reject my diagnosis. Who needs it. I'm a strong, healthy woman who likes being a momma, and ya know what? I pretty damn good at it. I'm just looking to add to be brood. So there!

Life is good. So, instead of grieving it's been a year, I am celebrating every positive thing that has come out of all this. It sounds cliche, but what doesn't kill you DOES make you stronger.

Acupuncture, Cockroaches and Spiritual Reading

Sept. 19, 2014

Well, it was back to acupuncture yesterday. I arrived a couple minutes early and noticed a cockroach scurrying in the hallway. Before you get the heeby jeebies, it was not in my TCM's office. They share a building with a dentist office. They hadn't arrived yet, and I was sitting in the hallway that divides the two. I saw it was hurt and had a moment of, do I squish him and put him out of his misery or try and shoo him outside. Before I made my decision they arrived.

Why do I mention the cockroach? As my TCM was taking my pulse, her husband, who translates for me was sitting at the desk transfixed on this beast in the hallway. Out of the blue he started telling me about the cockroaches anatomy and how they are pretty much invincible on the top of their bodies because their shells are almost impenetrable making them very tough to get rid of. Then he told me, that on their anatomies, insecticides work through their abdomen which is why people spray the ground. They drag their bodies over it and it ends up killing them.

He was telling me that a good pesticide is detergent or cleaner because it eats into their body and dissolves their lipids. He then proceeded to pull out a bottle of 409. He squirted the guy three times on his abdomen and within minutes, he was dead. Moral of my story?? 409 killed this impenetrable beast! It really made it sink in why we did away with cleaners in our household. It's just a small example, but think of all the cleaners we "clean" with, how many chemicals we spray in our homes with air fresheners, we burn candles, we clean our teeth, hair, faces, bodies with them. Yikes!

The visit itself went well. When she read my pulse yesterday there was no frown. She said "Ok" and proceeded to say in Chinese the diagnosis. He translated that I was getting stronger. My pulses were much better today. Not necessarily strong, but not bad. For a normal person, they were "ok" and in my book, I'll chalk that up to a win.

She did the same main points, but I saw a few things switch up. She put a needle into the top of my skull. It is suppose to draw my energy down to connect with the needles in my reproductive points to help menstruation flow. She also moved the needles in my left hand to my right, and put a needle in my ring finger in the left hand. I couldn't really get a translation what that was for, but I know we put our rings there because it's suppose to symbolically lead to our heart so my assumption is something for my Qi.

I literally felt the energy today. I had a hot flash in the middle, which normally, I'd be a bit concerned by with a POF diagnosis, but my whole body felt like it swelled up and coursed with energy. It felt like when you wear a ring in the hot summer and it feels too small...that's how my whole body felt for a minute. Very bizarre.

Afterwards, my pulse was even better. She filled me up on herbs for a week. One more acupuncture visit and a replenish of herbs next week before they go to China for three weeks. When they return, most likely back to weekly acupuncture.

On this visit, I remembered they'd told me to start taking resveratrol a few weeks back because it's a high antioxidant and is suppose to help with blood flow. It's the chemical found in grape leaves which is why sometimes you hear people say a glass or red wine will prevent heart disease. It's the resveratrol, not the wine ;)

So, I ordered some. I did a bit of research and did find that it has been linked to fertility. Basically, it helps protect the eggs from prematurely aging, as with the rest of your body. An interesting thing I found, especially for those with POF is that it helps prevent osteoperosis. When you have POF, your body literally drains your bones of calcium, which is why a calcium supplement is so important, and why doctors often prescribe HRT. The HRT helps prevent bone loss. What they are now finding is resveratrol works just as well as some HRT regimens at protecting your bones.

Here is an interesting article. There are dozens more in you goodle resveratrol and fertility of health benefits, but this one spoke specifically about HRT.

http://www.naturopathiccurrents.com/articles/resveratrol_uncovering_the_health_benefits_of_red_wine

The fertility dosage I was able to find is 400 mg, however, I hate starting at the top. I began 200 mg dose yesterday. I found a good deal at iHerb that is non GMO and guaranteed to not have chemicals and not have had any pesticide. Here is a link to that supplement. Use coupon POD190 for $5 off your first order any price of $10 off $40. The other thing I like about that site is their warehouse is climate controlled, which it isn't at other facilities like Amazon.

http://www.iherb.com/Paradise-Herbs-Resveratrol-60-Veggie-Caps/4232#p=1&oos=1&disc=0&lc=en-US&w=resveratrol&rc=443&sr=null&ic=7

(just an update to the above, that blend does not have very high resveratrol - here is the brand I use now

In other news, I read the book Inconceivable that I'd talked about ordering in a previous post. It was a nice book about someone's journey through secondary infertility. I really connected to her in parts because people automatically assume that since you had one child, it makes the diagnosis somehow easier. Not so. It's also hard to find support within the infertility community because people are struggling to have any child, and your having one is sometimes met with confusion and even hostility. It also makes you feel guilty at times that you are being so "greedy" to want another when some people have none. In this book, the author dealt with all those emotions.

I liked she explored many of the same things I'm doing and it reminded me the benefits of yoga. I'd kind of put them aside when I started meditating at night, but it reminded me that it also has to do with increased blood flow and body strength as well as quieting the mind. I've reincorporated that into my life the last few days. Just three poses really. I do them in the morning, in the afternoon if I remember and at night before bed. My son has actually started "kind of" doing them also :)

I do The Supported Shoulder Stand, The Supported Bridge Pose (both not to be done during menstruation because they are considered inverted, and during menstruation you don't want to send blood the wrong way) and The Cobra. Here is a good link to six poses and how they are good. I open my hip flexors at night during meditation similar to the Butterfly, but lying down on my towels.

http://magkaye.hubpages.com/hub/The-6-Best-Yoga-Poses-for-Fertility

I also got the first of Nerida Walker's books. Well, actually it's her second, but it arrived first, so I started reading it last night. I LOVE IT!! She really has been a blessing in my life and I'm so eager to read more and dig into the word. I've been trying to be still and rest in God's provisions for my life. I know places like Barnes and Noble and Amazon carry them, but I always buy second hand at Abe Books or Alibris.

I'm doing better. I'm still doing my "regimen" of sorts but it really has come with more of a peace. If I forget something, there is no panic, and I've eased up on taking the OPKs. I do them every 2-3 days, and they are still glaring positive at me, so my hormones are in over drive. What that means is my body really, really wants to ovulate, but things aren't really cooperating. In the mean time, trying to center myself. Miracles can happen, but they are most miraculous when the odds seem impossible I suppose. Maybe this will just make my testimony all the more powerful for someone who needs believing.

God Bless!

It's the pits.

July 16, 2014

Today has been an emotional and trying day. I tested last Saturday because AF still hasn't come and got a positive. Still faint so I was thinking the POF again and after testing again today...still faint...so back to POF fake outs. Very sad. For any other woman, seeing a faint line on there would be cause for cheer, but for me, it's a "well, it could be a super early positive pregnancy test let me wait on pins and needles for the line to darken, or my body is being stupid again." One step forward two steps back.

I feel like my body was really co-operating and it's struggling again. I'm trying so incredibly hard to stay positive, but days like today just knock me down. I want to have a good cry, but I've a ton of work, it was like WWIII trying to get my son to take a nap who just so happens to be under the weather, I feel like a giant failure in the "acting" world right now unable to even secure auditions and my husband is wanting to throw in the towel here in CA and move to somewhere less expensive (meaning no more acting for me) and I'm all kinds of emotional because my hormones are awry.

To top it off I have, I think, a UTI. I can't even go to the doctor to get it checked out (long story short, CoveredCA, or, Obamacare had a system error and cancelled our health insurance on us. They admitted the glitch and sent a notification to our insurance, but it will take 10-14 days to get fixed. In the mean time...nada insurance) without paying hundreds of dollars for a stupid sample of urine to be tested. Luckily, I have my prescription from last time I had one. It was refilled and I didn't need it. I know...never assume, but I'm in some serious pain here.

I'm posting because I know so many others of you struggle day to day with the emotional and psychological aspects of this. It just sucks.

I will tack on here that my boobs are a bit achy. Kind of hot and tingly at the nipples. I remember they use to get that way, well, they did early in pregnancy, but I recall that feeling as I approached my period before. My chart is all out of whack, but I think I may have ovulated eleven days ago. I guess I'll know for sure in the next few days if I did or my temps are just higher than normal. If my hormones are going berserk that could by what is making my temps look off. FF has me 27 dpo which is obviously not accurate.

In the mean time, I keep taking my herbs, doing my exercises, eating healthy, meditating, praying and trusting that the Lord is working all this out for me because it is not the slightest in my hands.

The Changes

Ok, here’s the deal. After being diagnosed, I googled way too much. But,  amidst my agonizing horror of how “hopeless” this disease was, I found some great uplifting stories.

#1 is Cole and her blog. If you haven’t read it. Do. I used her as a basis for everything I’m doing. She jumped in with determination to wake up her ovaries and boy did she ever. After three months, she got pregnant, twice over J She now has twins…and they said it couldn’t be done. Pshaw.

 http://one-in-ten-million.blogspot.com/

Here are the changes I made.

1.       Changed my diet. Trying to go as organic as possible, from the produce, to the grains, to the meat and dairy.

2.       After reading in her blog, and then doing further research on my own, low fat dairy is a big no-no. I kicked the skim milk to the curb and drink almond milk now. All the other dairy I eat (cheese, yogurt, etc) I try to keep organic and whole fat. At the very least I look for the hormone free label.

3.       No cold drinks. I thought the TCM was crazy at first, but it actually makes sense. Cold restricts blood flow. So, why would I put a cold drink next to my reproductive organs? Some strict people won’t even eat raw fruits and veggies, but I don’t go that far. My TCM did say I could cheat every once in a while and have ice cream as a treat.

4.       Goodbye coffee and alcohol. I’ve never been a big drinker, but occasionally would have  a glass or wine or a drink. Since my diagnosis, haven’t touched the stuff. As for coffee, I’d kicked the regular, and was sticking to decaf, but never realized how many pesticides were in the stuff. I had Bryce pick me up some organic decaf, and will allow myself that once lent is over. I gave it up for the Big Guy ;)

5.       Sadly, as I’ve moaned before, I gave up breastfeeding. The TCM philosophy is a woman gives her life force to her child when she nurses. Because I was so depleted, they pretty much told me it was wean or never have a baby again. All my other doctors, including the chiropractor had already told me that too. I didn’t take care of myself. Plain as that. Reed wasn’t sleeping (AT ALL!! – I mean I literally was getting 2-3 hrs a sleep a night for three straight months!) and I was running myself ragged working every second he slept for naps and when he went down at night. Next baby (yes, there will be a next) I plan to nurse until they want to wean, but I need to take care of myself.

6.       Gain weight. I was too thin. The day I was diagnosed, they weighed me and I was 97 lbs WITH jeans, tennis shoes and a sweatshirt on. I’m 5’4”. Way to thin. I normally bounced between 100-103 before getting pregnant before but gained a little weight that go round thinking it’d aid my fertility.  My goal is to get back up around 105.

7.       Ditched all the toxic cleaners. We bought a plant based cleaner that pretty much cleans everything because my hubby likes a clean scent. I was fine with vinegar and baking soda, but it didn’t feel clean to him. This one, smells clean and no toxicity. Deal.

8.       Drinking only filtered water. So, it’s a Brita. Probably not THE best, but better than nothing.

9.       I used to drink water out of a big plastic cup every day, but I’m not certain it was BPA free, so on to glass.

10.   Castor Oil pack – I’ve been doing castor oil packs. I will admit though that even when I THINK I ovulate I stop. I don’t want to risk doing that if there is a chance that an egg is floating around in there.

11.   Epsom Salt baths – not only is it relaxing, but it helps detoxify and the magnesium absorption aids calcium absorbtion.

12.   Yoga and meditation. So, I think the big catalyst for my POF is stress. I’m type A, make everyone happy…which means I let it all bottle up. I’m trying hard to breathe deep, focus, let stressful situations bypass me.

13.  Asking for help. I want to do everything. And, let’s be real. It’s not possible. I’m guilty of not asking, or even at times demanding my husband or other people do things to help, then getting resentful. All that negativity just eats away at me. Now, I’m getting much better at just asking for help, or letting things slide. If I don’t clean up one night – not the end of the world.

14.   Acupressure, massage and stretches. My TCM taught me some acupressure massages that are suppose to “wake up” my lady parts so I do those daily. I read one in particular is a no-no after ovulation so I’ve been sipping it. My chiropractor gave me stretches to do every day and I’ve been doing them religiously.

15.   TON of herbs and supplements. I did a TON of research. I looked at what people did before that were successful, read about what each one does, and scrounged for anything that could help. I took that list to my TCM who told me what I should or should not take. I experimented with a few they didn’t know enough about, and after three weeks decided to put my trust in them completely and take only what is recommended.

So, here is my list of what I’m taking now. For a month I took Vitex, Maca, Royal Jelly, Propolis and Bee pollen in addition, but for now, my TCM doesn’t want me to do those anymore. They said the bee products are great, but could influence my hormones too much and although I’d probably be fine, they don’t want any risks. I also took Shatavari for about a week. That one was safe while I was breastfeeding so I took a ½ teaspoon. I stopped when I weaned because I figured the herbs they were giving me would do the same things. For those of you doing maca, I found a great recipe that completely hid the horrid taste. Even my husband dug them.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8209/raw-recipe-energy-boosting-maca-truffles.html

My first pregnancy, I took Royal Jelly and swore by it, so if we can get things moving, I’ll ask to revisit that one with them. I linked the items I use, but you can find some from your preferred seller or within your price range. I searched for the ones that were least tainted by fillers and tried to buy as organic as possible.

Ubiquinol – basically a version of CoQ10. After researching it, this one is suppose to be absorbed more easily. A lot of fertility dosages said to go as high as 200 mg 3 times a day. I’m just doing 100 mg in the morning and 100 mg in the afternoon.

L-Arginine – 100 mg

Wheat Grass – 2 pills, the bottle says 5, and I may amp it up, but for now, 2 seems fine. I take one in the morning and one in the afternoon.

Spirulina  - the bottle says 6, I take four. Two in the morning and two in the afternoon.

Chlorella – the bottle says 3, I take two. One in the morning and one in the afternoon.

Wild Yam – I just started this week at my TCM’s suggestion. I’m taking the lowest dose at 425 mg and perhaps moving up to the full dose of 850 mg. Many sites say a fertility dose is 2-3 grams, but there is conflicting evidence that too much can be a contraceptive. Since I don’t know when I ovulated (or if I did) I’m sticking with the low dose. A lot of people think this is for progesterone, and it can be, however it also normalizes estrogen production.

Multi – vitamin – I’m doing a basic multi vitamin. I have hemochromatosis, which means I cannot have iron, so no prenatals for me.

Folic Acid  - 400 mg. Because I can’t take prenatals, I have to take this separately.

DHA – I take a vegan source from seaweed. I took it all throughout my pregnancy and breastfeeding and it’s a great source of Omegas. Not to be confused the DHEA which is often recommended for POF. I don’t know enough about it and was leery self prescribing this. If my labs don’t change much with the herbs, I’ll discuss it with my doctor, but for now, no gracias.

Calcium with VitaminD – Because osteoporosis is a big one with POF, I make sure to take my calcium daily. I take 600 mg in the morning and 600 mg in the afternoon.

Probiotic

Cranberry – I’m prone to UTIs, so I take one daily.

Evening Primrose – I take this up until ovulation. Because I don’t know if I ovulated, I’m not right now.

Red Raspberry LeafTea – I drink a mug up until ovulation.