No words

 12/17/2022

I wish I could tell you how many unpublished posts are in my queue. But, none will be published. I can't find a subscriber list and think it's nonexistent at this point, so my publishing this is purely cathartic, and I *think* safe from eyes I know. My hope is I can find solace once again in the cyber infertility world.

Long story short, after five years of not thinking we had another embryo we got a HUGE bill from our clinic. Apparently, when the clinic merged with another financial billing firm, our account must've gotten lost. No one would tell us or confirm we had an embryo left and it was assumed it was re-donated since we'd had a live birth. Until we got a bill. I called billing immediately to check if we still had the embryo and was told that IF we did they would call us immediately. If not, just disregard the bill because systems had merged and a lot of people were being billed for embryos they didn't have. No phone call. A few months later an even BIGGER bill arrived. This time taking me to collections. WHAT???

I called the billing, the clinic and emailed every single email I could find. Including our doctor directly. HE was the one who replying and cc'd everyone who was pertinent to get to the bottom of it. We DID have an embryo. They'd waive a PORTION of the bill but not all of it. We were stunned.

This was over a year ago. As we grappled with all of this, we decided just to go through with all the preliminary things to see if a transfer was possible and my overall health. We did the initial ultrasound, all the bloodwork, the sonohysterogram, mammogram, etc and all was A-ok. Perfect in fact.

It took us a year to pray over it, think over it, be of the same heart, mind and body for this, save for it (including back storage they didn't waive because we couldn't get our embryo if we didn't pay $2000 EVEN though we'd been unaware we had an embryo - still bitter about it) and we transferred. And it didn't work. We are just absolutely devastated. We found out the official beta <2 last Tuesday. 

We decided that we would do this alone. No one knew. No one. No friends. No family. Not our kids. No one. Outside voices didn't help. Opinions and thoughts others knew better clouded the only voice that we knew meant anything. And boy, did we pray. A lot. And although it was something we shared together as a couple, we also both now carry that burden and pain alone. My heart aches. I'm angry. Frustrated. I have no idea why God would bring us through all this. I keep repeating the words "Your will be done" hoping for clarity or answers and getting none. I know long term we will find the answer. We will find peace, but right now, it's just a lot of pain.

And we are walking it in isolation. We are both grieving in waves. We both have fleeting what if thoughts. What if we'd done it sooner. What if we'd push harder with the clinic earlier. I've moments berating myself for things I could have done to make it more successful, gain more weight, exercise more, did I do TOO much bedrest, not enough, did I take my meds the same time every day. My mind reiterates none of that truly mattered. God's will is God's will, but the hurt and pain remains. We both feel just complete sadness and that WHY. We both thought we'd have closure even if it didn't work knowing we gave that little baby a chance, but neither of us do. We both thought so strongly, we both KNEW we'd have another child. I can't explain it. And we won't. Grieving that loss...hurts.

My period started as a great big flag of failure and every time I change I see the bruises from injections on my stomach and bottom. A gentle (or literal painful) reminder of the journey.

So, for now, we are just processing grief in waves. Trusting in God that someday we will understand. Until then, I ask His forgiveness for my bouts of frustration and anger and barrage of questions and grief and thinking I know better than Him. 

Mindful Living

Jan. 16, 2018

I was heading to bed last night, and while I was praying, this blog kept coming to my mind. When I started it, it was all about healthy living and changes to support my health. It was more focused on fertility at the time, but my attitude of the TCM philosophy of whole body wellness certainly has carried over into my family's day to day life.

It's funny, but this whole health crisis has done so much good for our life. Ironic, isn't it? The thing that just devastated me...saved me. I remember HATING the phrase "everything happens for a reason" and although I don't like it, because it diminishes actual pain and hurt you are experiencing at the time, there is an element of truth to it.

Without POF, I would never have analyzed our lives and found healthier solutions. I certainly wouldn't have our son. I cannot FATHOM that! We rid our lives of so many unnecessary toxins like candles, air fresheners, cleaners, personal care products with known endocrine disruptors (HELLO INFERTILITY RED FLAG!!!) We've attempted to eat whole, organic foods, although I will admit, I am not as good as I once was in this department. Working full time, taking care of the kids, I fall prey to more packaged foods than I care to, but I AM more conscious of the ingredients that are in them at least.

Premature Ovarian failure was my wake up call. Although this blog is all about my journey with fertility and embryo donation, it started as my journey back to health and wellness, so I'm taking the reigns again...although I may not be taking back my ovaries, I am sharing how I took back my life!

Bookmark www.ewg.org This will be your new bible. Download Think Dirty on your smart phone. You will scan scan scan all your products at the store with this.

First - get rid of the crap in your home. Seriously. Get rid of it. Any candle, air freshener, fragrance warmer - trash it. TRASH it! These are the LEADING causes of infertility and indoor pollution. You want lovely scents, stick with a diffuser.

Next, get rid of your cleaners with harsh chemicals. They are bad for you. They are bad for your kids. They are bad for your pets. They are bad for the environment. You do NOT need harsh chemicals to have a safe, clean environment. Vinegar, baking soda, non toxic cleaners will be your best friend. I make no secret, I love Young Living, and Thieves cleaner is where it's at. Seriously. It's like $22 wholesale for a bottle of concentrate that makes 20 bottles. It works out to about a buck a bottle and it is SAFE. It's BY FAR the best cleaner I've ever used and if you look up clinical studies it cleans as effective as bleach, lysol or any others on the market. You will not find an organic, plant based, non toxic cleaner anywhere that cheap. It smells awesome, and my five year old is in charge of cleaning.

Your dryer sheets. Trash them. They release harmful chemicals, are horrid for the environment and have endocrine disrupting fragrances that you not only breathe in while you dry your clothes, but then you actually WEAR them against your skin. Use wool dryer balls like these. These will shorten your dry time by 15 minutes or so and reduce static cling. If you have issues with static, put a safety pin in one. If you like your clothes to smell good, drop some essential oil on there. Some of my favorites are Purification, Lavender or Orange. Buy them here.

Stick with safer laundry detergents. Thieves laundry detergent is great. Rockin Green detergent in great. We love using our Eco Egg. Make sure you get the fragrance free - it uses minerals and you can do about 720 loads for under $40. Super cheap and effective.

Essential Oils are the big thing in our family we use to support our wellness. Things like Thieves, which has clove (high on the ORAC index for antioxidant) is something we use to support our immune systems daily. These are the essential oils I hold near and dear after experimenting with a lot of brands and doing a lot of research. You can do more research on this brand here. I choose oils for my family's wellness because they can literally support every single body system naturally, effectively and safely when used properly. A brief 101 email course is here.

I always encourage people starting out to invest in a Premium Starter Kit because it's affordable and takes the guess work out of what you need starting out. It already has the diffuser, and has eleven essential oils and blends that are the most popular, daily use oils. As a wholesale member you're privvy to 24% off retail pricing on all their oils, wellness products, supplements, cleaners, personal care, makeup, etc. You also can opt to enroll in their essential reward program and can be plugged in to all our educational groups. It's the introductory offer Young Living has where you get about $360 worth of products for $160. Well worth the investment in my opinion (and by now you know how thrifty I am...) It's literally supported every single body system including our immune, respiratory, limbic, hormonal, endocrine, skeletal, muscular,etc helped promote restful sleep, supported concentration, focus, energy, mood...did I mention one of the blends is literally called Stress Away.

We also use elderberries as a way to support our immune system. I buy them whole and make syrup, but you can purchase it premade as well here. I follow the wellness mama's recipe for syrup as well as the gummies. I've tweaked her recipe to include NingXia and Thieves.

Elderberry NingXia Red Thieves gummies

1 cup elderberry syrup
1/4 cup NingXia red
1/4 cup hot water
1/4 cup gelatin powder
Thieves vitality essential oil
silicone gummy bear molds

Add gelatin to 1/4 cup room temperature NingXia Red and whisk together. Add 1/4 cup hot water to dissolve. Add one cup elderberry syrup and add five drops Thieves vitality.

This usually makes enough to fill the above gummy molds and two mini muffin pans halfway. I give my five year old three gummies, one year old one gummy, and my husband and myself have a muffin tin gummy.

As far as things I use to support my body overall, I've continued taking my Smarty Pants prenatal vitamins. I like these in particular because they use folate not folic acid. They also do not contain iron. As someone with hemochromatosis, I can't have iron.  Other pregnant and breastfeeding women supplement with other iron supplements in addition to this. Some popular ones I've heard of are Rainbow Light  or Vitmamin Code.

I take an awesome bio available calcium supplement called Super Cal Plus sourced from red algae. It's a Young Living product. I was also very happy with Garden of Life calcium. Both of those option have the appropriate D3, K2 and magnesium to make absorption of the calcium possible in your body. Do NOT take a calcium supplement without those three additional vitamins. It can lead to calcification of the arteries. Your body does not absorb in into the bones.

Another thing I've learned in regards to bone health is the important of silica. When I learned about POF and heard all the horror stories about osteopenia and osteoporosis, everyone just stressed calcium. They are all not the same (see above) but no one told me about the PRECURSOR to your bones building themselves. They need silica to convert into collagen to convert into bones. Mind blown. A lot of the meds on the market harden your bones. What does that do...well, think of a vase. You drop it. It shatters. Do you want your bones doing that? Bones should be malleable. You want them strong, but they are living.

Look into a high quality silica. I use Biosil. I buy the drops like this and put them in capsules like this. You can also buy premade capsules of Biosil like this...making my own is just more cost effective ;) You can also drink Diatomaceous Earth. That's right - dirt!! It's incredibly high in silica which is beneficial for bones, teeth, nails and hair. Also, very cheap! Be sure you get food grade! You can also mix a grass fed collagen like the gelatin powder listed in the gummy recipe to up your collagen intake as well. A lot of people are deficient in magnesium so if the calcium above still don't do the trick, I recommend epsom salt baths (magnesium is absorbed best through the skin) or using Natural Calm Magnesium. You can also get a magnesium oil to rub on your feet at night before bed.

I take a high quality fish oil. I use Young Living's OmegaGize, but you can also get a great plant based DHA/EPA called Deva that is a vegan formulation. I like the OmegaGize also has CoQ10, which was important to my health before. I do take Vitamin C from Young Living as well, but I'm sure there are some great additional ones on the market.

I have started to embrace Apple Cider Vinegar. Bragg is an excellent brand that is raw and unfilited. It has the mother in it. I didn't put a link, because it's cheaper at a grocery store than online. You can just drink a bit in warm water with honey.

I love love love Progessence Plus. It is a Young Living serum, and it contains wild yam. Do your research on wild yam and see if it'd be beneficial to you. There are several supplements they have to support hormonal health, but as a nursing mom, I choose to wait until I wean my son to do anything that'd support hormonal function. I'm trusting God is keeping things running smoothly to keep my milk coming.

Whew...I think that is all the key things. I'm sure throughout the next few days I'll keep thinking of more and come back to edit and add. We've really come to view our bodies as things we support BEFORE there are issues. I equate it to a car. You fuel it up. It runs. You change the oil. It keep ticking. You rotate and air the tires. They work. You don't...disaster. The engine burns out. You get a flat tire. A small $2 fix turns into a $2000 fix.

I encourage you to get some exercise. Get your sleep. Meditate or pray. Practice preventative care. Find your happy. I started this journey to find health and happiness, and although it's a constant journey, I've learned so much along the way about self love.

In other news, I've a chest full of milk and found a wonderful organization called Human Milk 4 Human Babies. If you are on Facebook and overproduce, or under produce, look up your state. I feel so at peace that some of my excess milk is helping a little guy who was born 12 weeks premature. There are so many babies in need and so many moms who want to help people out who don't produce enough.

God bless!

How is my baby almost 13 months?

Dec. 8, 2017

Oh my gracious! How is my sweet boy almost 13 months old? I meant to update at a year and somehow another month passed. We had an incredible celebration. S had a Mickey Mouse party and was just so precious. He wasn't quite certain what to do with his cake, but flung it on his brother who didn't might licking it up in the least. These two are quite a handful. Quite the pair. I couldn't be more blessed.

It has been just incredible watching these two together. R is so, so so patient and kind with his brother. He had a birthday just 11 days after and S of course wants every single toy he grabs. Watching him graciously give everything to S is just so sweet. He has such a tender heart. And, S wants to be just like him. In every way. Their dynamic is so sweet.

He's doing great. He's settled into going to daycare a few days a week so I can work. A new teacher came in, and she has such a gentle spirit. S responds so well to her. He's running around, and WOW, such a climber. My first boy was nothing like that. S, anything he can scale, he will. He's such a determined and resolute little guy. He knows exactly what he wants and will not settle for less. He also has a little temper. If he doesn't get his way, he just throws his little body. I have to be careful he doesn't hurt himself.

On the flip side, he has such a good sense of humor. He's happy and easy going and plays well with others and quietly by himself. His happy place is outdoors and he could go for walks and play out there all day long. We have a back patio with a sliding glass door, and he always whips it wide open to go play in the sandbox. He's sleeping pretty good. The last few weeks, just one wake up per night, so that's a-ok by me. I listen to some women complain, but after R...wow. One wake up, is NICE. R would wake up 10-12 times per night. I was exhausted!!

We're still nursing and that is going strong. He is hit and miss on food. It's ironic, because early on he wanted EVERYTHING. Once he started teething though, he's become very picky. He's on the upper ranges for weight and height though, so I'm not concerned.

Our life is a bit of an upheaval right now. We are renters and our landlords told us they want to sell. We've spent the last several months looking at townhomes for purchase or places to rent. I'm praying the perfect opportunity presents itself. I'm emotional about moving. This was the place we got married, got pregnant, took our babies home. It will be hard to leave.

Work has been busy. My day job is for an inventory specialist and it's been chaotic with all the fires out here in SoCal. Young Living is going great, and I celebrated hitting Silver last month. It's been so fulfilling helping so many people find healthier options in their life. Such a God thing - I'm grateful it was placed in my path. Acting has been sloooooooow. I'm really needing to get my hair cut and some new headshots. One of my goals for the New Year.

On the baby front, I have moments where I'd really like another child. Financially, I know that isn't the most ideal situation. I think my husband is just overwhelmed by the whole idea. I'm sure as time plods on, it will be clear for both of us. Until then, I'm enjoying and thanking God for my two greatest blessings.

Health wise...I feel good. I've been trying to exercise - mostly pushing the stroller, but my hormones don't seem too wacky side effect wise. I take my progessense plus religiously as well as my Biosil, calcium (Young Living's is the bomb dot com) and prenatal (sans iron thank you very much.) I feel good. Just tired...but I credit that to the boys and work. lol

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season.

Blessings!

Our new arrival!!

Nov. 30, 2016

I am VERY over due updating my blog. It's been hectic around here!

At my last doctor's appointment my doctor told me an induction was necessary as the placenta became less efficient after 41 weeks. I consented to it as I chatted about in my last post.

When we arrived to the induction on the 10th they didn't have a room ready so I grabbed a bite to eat and we walked around the hospital. I had high hopes I'd suddenly start labor while meandering the halls. As we got checked in, I went into my spiel with each nurse, doctor and midwife my horrible experience last time and how I really was scared for this induction and wanted a better experience. Everyone seemed receptive!

They hooked me up to the monitor and checked how dilated and effaced I was. Still around 1 1/2" - 2" dilated and the same effaced as my prior appointment. I was contracting however on a regular basis and they said that even if I had not had a reaction to Cytotec last time, they couldn't use it. Basically, I was not dilated or effaced enough for pit, but contracting too steadily for Cytotec or Cervidil. Fine by me, I'd already told them I refused the Cytotec.

I also requested no IV yet, just a block for when we needed it. My hubby was in the background setting up our little diffuser and oil selection :) And, we kept that baby working throughout the entire labor, delivery and post partum during our stay. In fact, several nurses got my contact info it was so helpful.

We agreed on a cooks balloon. Basically, it's like an empty water balloon with a spot that inflates on the inside of your cervix, and one on the outside. They would insert it, then fill it with water and the pressure would make me contract more heavily and hopefully dilate me.

Inserting it was brutal. They had a resident try and after about six failed attempts the doctor took over. She was did NOT have a delicate touch. She tried about six or seven times as well. Youch! Once it was finally inserted and filled with water, it was to stay in place for 12 hrs. During that time, I could walk around as much as I wanted and eat with hourly monitoring on and off.

Once I had an hour monitoring, my hubby and I started walking the halls. We did so on and off for about seven hours until we decided around 11 to try and get a bit of rest as the balloon would be removed at 3:50 am. Trying to get comfortable with a balloon hanging out of you and constant contractions is for the birds. I maybe got an hour rest in.

At 3:50 they came in to remove the balloon and the nurse said she'd let me rest until 6 am when the doctor would come examine me. Well, five minutes later, the doctor burst in, flipped on the lights in and in a HORRENDOUS mood gave me the most uncomfortable dilation check of my life.  I was 4 cm and about 70% effaced.She then snapped to start the pit immediately. Um...no.

"Could I take a quick shower and eat something before we start the pit? I know once it's started I can't really move or eat." She didn't take too kindly to that. Um, where did the nice receptive doctor at check in go?!? She consented to let me shower and the nurse pressed her to let me have a cold sandwhich to which she curtly said "Fine. Don't take too long in the shower and I refuse to let you sit around for breakfast at 6."

As soon as she left, I turned to my nurse and asked why the pressure to speed this along and reiterated that there was no emergency, the baby was looking great on the monitors and that I wanted this to go smoothly without risking the baby's safety or my uterus. After a frank discussion, she went back to consult the doctor and returned stating I had an option to break the water or start the pit. "Can I move around if you break the water?" The doctor said no. So...no sense in doing that.

The doctor returned in a much better mood and we discussed everything again. I consented to starting the pit at 2, but only raising it by 1, not 2, every 30-45 minutes versus 20-30 that was standard. I also asked that once contractions were steady we spread it out more allowing my body to work on it's own. She seemed irritated, but I didn't care...she agreed. So it began.

At shift change, an AWESOME midwife and nurse came on and they were 100% behind me. They actually let me call the shots when we increased the meds as long as contractions were 2-3 min apart. They also were very cool with me bouncing on my ball and moving around a bit in front of the monitor. My nurse was lovely to bring Popsicles often and ice chips and water. I also had brought in NingXia Red, which is a Young Living drink (shameless plug for YL oils which helped me immeasurably throughout labor and pregnancy which you can buy here!) and a few snacks that I ate freely. And, lo and behold, my contractions got stronger each time I ate something. Go figure. I was also applying clary sage to help intensify them.

As the day wore on, I upped the pit dose a few times and the midwife checked on me a few times. She told me when I was ready, they could break my water if I wanted to intensify things. After raising the pit once more, we decided to go ahead with that plan. I would have to lay on the bed for 30 minutes to ensure the water was clear. THAT was difficult. I had been moving to manage contractions up until this point, and once the water went, it was full steam ahead. I was at a 6 when they broke my water at 7 pm. At 7:30 I literally rolled out of bed, leaned against it and with my hypnobabies tract playing on my ipod managed to breathe and "relax" through each contraction. I will not lie. Most intense sensation I've ever felt.

My husband was awesome to rub lavender on my back and shoulders to help me relax and kept giving me cold packs for my forehead and back of neck. I vaguely remember him trying to feed me and my chasing him away. The nurse, who just came on at 7 kept trying to ask questions which I ignored every one...my husband finally told her to communicate through him, I was obviously "doing my thing." The only time I spoke to her was to request they drop the pit down a bit. She decreased it two notches. About 15 min later seeing how much pain I was in, she dropped it some more. Within minutes, I was telling her I needed to be checked.

She checked me and I was at a nine with a lip of cervix. I got to my knees just as another contraction hit and went limp over my husband's shoulders and shouted to her "I'm pushing. I'm pushing. I know I'm not suppose to, but my body is pushing." She laid me back down to check me and I was fully dilated and effaced. On the next contraction she told me to give one push. I heard her on the phone requesting the midwife and staff saying "She's a good pusher. The baby is coming."

Next thing I knew, everyone, including residents were there and I was pushing. I sputtered out to bring the mirror so I could see the baby as I knew I'd push better. He was cockeyed in there so I had to roll to one side so he could come out. And all of a sudden, there he was. The cord was wrapped around his neck, so I had to do controlled pushes and breathing until they were able to unlatch it, and out he came. Our beautiful baby boy! He arrived at 8:54 pm after a 29 hour labor.

We had skin to skin where they checked his vitals from my chest. I remember shushing him and the nurse saying no, let him cry! Since the cord had been around his neck, they wanted to ensure he "pinked" up. I love our hospital now allowed the cord to stop pulsing on it's own which was something I had requested when they asked my birth plan. Probably about 15 min later, the midwife had us both feel the cord to see if it was done pulsing and my husband clipped it. They had to take a small blood sample from it because a blood test had shown my son was at risk for anemia and jaundice.

I did start to hemorrhage, so they took my son to weigh him and attend to him while they fixed me up. The cytotec that I had wanted to avoid, I got a huge dose of as well as pit to ensure the bleeding stopped. Once I was doing better and stitched up from a tear, they brought out little guy back in and a big plate of food for me to eat.

I was shivering so badly they wrapped me in about six warm blankets and gave the baby to my husband for skin to skin. Apparently blood loss and adrenaline does that to you! It took about two hours for me to stop shaking. The nurse said I was shaking the whole bed. She did give me mad props for doing an induced delivery with no meds. And, I will say, the recovery is a ton easier without an epi. Intense as all get out during it, but after so much better.

All in all, we had an awesome experience. We had a few issues with latching during nursing which resulted in bleeding nipples (I know other mamas can relate) and severely engorged breast for the first week, but we've found our rhythm.

Our other son, finally got to meet his baby and came marching through the hospital in a lab coat wearing his stethoscope proudly carrying flowers for mommy. Watching him meet his brother and hold him was one of the most touching moments of my life to date. He's been exceptional with him.

I find myself feeling bad at times restricted to the couch or rocker nursing the baby and not giving our other son our full attention, but I'm doing the best that I can.

You know, it's funny. Three years ago when I was diagnosed with POF, I felt a part of me died. Now, looking back, I know in my heart of hearts this journey was intentional. Without it, we would not have our son. I love him so incredibly much and every tear I cried, every frantic moment, doubt and angry word I sputtered at God...it was for a reason. I believe our family is intentional and this child was meant to be with us. In my heart of hearts, I know it was all for him to be with us. I will never be upset over my diagnosis again. Do the side effects suck? Yeah. Was it worth it to welcome this child...yes. For all you women out there who feel a loss, please consider embryo donation, adoption or foster to adopt. I can attest that genetics does NOT make a family. The love you will have for your child no matter how they come, will be immeasurable. Much love to you all.

God bless.

37 weeks

Oct. 13, 2016

Full term! Well, early term, but full all the same. I had my doctor's appointment yesterday and all is well. We started the NST (non stress test) and AFI (amniotic fluid index) testing yesterday. You know, because I'm "geriatric" and because of my low fluids and resulting induction last time.

For those who've never had it done, they put on two belts, similar to what you would where during monitoring for labor. Each belt has a monitor. One measures the baby's heat beat and the other measures contractions. Each time your baby moves you press a little button.

Our guy, as I've mentioned before is quite the active fellow. After about ten minutes the nurse came to check on me and told me "Don't press the button each time he hiccups." What? I was confused. "What do you mean?" "You shouldn't be pressing it for hiccups."

*confused look* "I'm not."

"He's moving that much??" "Yup!" "Wow. Your baby is an overachiever." ...as I got another jab.

The movements can get quite uncomfortable. I wonder if it's because my placenta is in the front not cushioning my organs like it did with my son. Because, yow!

I was monitored for a bit less than 30 minutes and had had 3 contractions. If I was reading the print out right, they were about every 8 minutes or so. I'd told my doctor I'd been having them, but she wasn't concerned. I was a day away from "full term" so she said I could go anytime and the baby would be fine. I'm not certain I'll be "going" anytime soon as I was contracting with my son for over a month at regular intervals as well. I WILL say this time they are more intense. If I had to guess, I'd guess the baby will come early this time.

Next up, AFI testing. For this they lay you flat and do an ultrasound. They measure the four quadrants of your uterus, so picture a big plus sign on your abdomen. Each quadrant, they get a measurement of amniotic fluid. My fluid yesterday was 10. Not a ton, but definitely in normal ranges. The nurse said when it hits 6 is when they send you to the hospital for induction. I think I was around 4 with my son when they basically ushered me to the door and said go immediately to the hospital. My fluids two weeks ago were 11.2, so I'm thinking they should hold on until I'm full gestation. Fingers crossed :)

That is about all the excitement I have here. I've gotten a TON done around the house the past few days and we are in good shape. If I were to go into labor early, our house is clean and presentable for the baby sitter and inlaws arrival. Bag is packed. Food is well stocked.

God bless!

30 weeks 6 days

August 31, 2016

Almost to 31 weeks. Woohoo!!! We'll be hitting the road tomorrow for a long weekend with my in-laws which means a loooooong car ride. Hopefully my son is well entertained and I'm not too uncomfortable.

I'm starting to realize this pregnancy is a lot more uncomfortable than my first. Maybe I glossed over it, maybe pushed it out of my mind, but I remember feeling chipper and mobile to the very end last time. This one...I already feel like I'm waddling and carting around a full grown baby. I'm also having terrible insomnia (I got up last night and worked half the night because I was so irked just lying there) and have, apparently, restless leg syndrome this go round.

I've been doing a bit with my oils to calm down and have been doing some hypnosis with Hypnobabies at night to try and focus my mind, but I think it has more to do with I just can't get comfortable and it's just a reality of this pregnancy. I did read online that doing squats before bed helps with the RLS so I was busy squatting at 1:30 in the morning last night.

I'm still a bit paranoid of over doing too much because of the whole bed rest and limited activity for the first half of my pregnancy and the strong braxton hicks, so I try not to over exert physically, but I cannot for the life of my deal with that creepy crawly feeling in my legs and trying to get comfortable to sleep.

I also upped my magnesium so hopefully that helps. A month ago it was constant charlie horses, now, they just want to move move move.

Well, I just realized what a griping post this was. Sorry, lol. The up side is this little bugger is on the CONSTANT move. Although it can get a bit uncomfortable or even painful at times, it's so reassuring and really, a neat feeling overall. I forgot how neat it was to be able to feel his little feet drag across my belly or feel his fingers right down there in my pelvis. It truly is amazing...there is a little person in there. Quite a miracle.

A director friend of mine called today. We'd worked on a film several, well, I guess about ten years ago and she is directing a music video that deals with infertility and wanted to chat a bit. It was so nice to catch up and a rather cathartic conversation. I hope her project brings the "taboo" subject to light.

Well, I hope everyone has a blessed Labor Day.

17 weeks 1 day

May 27, 2016

Our little bambino is doing well. I was back to my OB today for a checkup. Heart rate was good at 154. We went over my weight gain, which she was happy to see went up a bit, but she wants me to focus on getting more calories. She actually said high carbs, which I wasn't expecting...I was thinking more proteins. My heart did a happy dance to hear "don't be afraid to indulge." What my mind heard? "Ice cream."

Honestly though, I remember last time I didn't start gaining weight until further into my second trimester as well and there was one week in particular it was like I packed on 6 lbs or something. The following week 1/2 lb. I know it's all so variable with water weight, time of day, yada yada yada. I've no worries. I gained enough last time and my son was a healthy weight.

The irony is, I feel like I've gained quite a bit this time. But it's just my belly is much larger than last time. I was looking at photos, and I think I'm about two weeks ahead. I know that's common with second pregnancies, but I didn't expect to pop so soon. Sometimes I get to wondering how large this baby will be. My husband and myself are rather petite, so no one was too surprised our last baby wasn't huge. BUT, these aren't my genetics. This baby could really be any size. It's so funny, but I forget.

Before transfer I always had that lingering fear that this pregnancy would feel "different" or I'd feel differently toward this baby and that isn't the case at all. Instant connection. I know this baby is ours. And, he'll always know who his mommy and daddy and brother are.

My friend who also did EA gave birth two weeks ago. It was such a joy to go see them in the hospital and spend time with them when they got home. Any baby snuggles - nothing better! I get such a chuckle because people commenting on his photo on Facebook say "Oh, he looks just like his mommy." The nurses in the hospital thought he looked just like his daddy. It's so funny people perceive what they want to see, and also I'm a big believe in epigenetics. I'm actually taking a workshop in it next month at a conference. I'm pretty excited!

I had to get my second trimester blood test for the genetic screening and thankfully I read through their paperwork because the nurse forgot to mark the "donor ovum" box. I'm not sure how much that would have screwed up the interpretation, but they were grateful I caught it. I head to the geneticist in two weeks for the anatomy scan and all my fingers and toes are crossed the SCH has resolved and the partial previa has moved up. I've been slowly doing more physically, but still trying not to push it. I'd like more liberties to do some light workouts or longer, more brisk walks. I've always been a very physical and active person and it's therapeutic for me. If not, totally fine, no need to push it, but it'll be reassuring to know it's all better.

My doctor also chatted with me about starting aspirin, but we're holding off until the SCH is cleared. Apparently since I'm an "elderly pregnant" woman and all it should help reduce the risk of preeclamsia. considering my blood pressure has been in the 84/51 to 91/54 range (you'd think I was comatose) I'm fairly certain that won't be an issue, but I'm no doctor. Another of her concerns why she'd like the baby aspirin is in my last pregnancy I was induced for low amniotic fluid. Actually, they wanted to induce me several times, but with persistent daily, then every other day NST and AFI testing, we avoided it for over four weeks. She thinks with an aspirin regimen, it may increase blood flow to the placenta and reduce the risk of low amniotic fluid. If that is the case, then bring it on. I'd rather not have that stress, concern and risk to the baby for the last month.

All in all, our wee one is doing great. I feel him squirming around in there. Sometimes more than others, nothing too consistent. I'm waiting for the punches, kicks and movement on the outside. I know how exciting that will be for my son.

Until next time...God bless!

12 weeks pregnant

April 21, 2016

So, lots of excitement and updates since my last post! We got the results of our NIPT blood test...very quickly actually - within five days. All the genetic markers look great for the baby. We also found out it's a...

Our son was VERY adamant he wanted a girl, so we made a big batch of cupcakes with blue icing and got him a balloon. Between the treat and balloon...we swayed him boys were cool. Daddy after all has a brother and he'll get to play with him and teach him a whole bunch of neat stuff.

I also was finally instructed to start weaning my meds. I began a week ago Monday, limiting my estrace to 1 2mg tablet at night and .5cc of PIO nightly. Sunday was my last injection after three consecutive months. I did a happy dance!!

Today was my 12 week appointment and the little guy was hopping around in there. It's so neat to see him. I'm constantly amazed at how quickly babies develop and grow in utero. Simply amazing. He was very cooperative until they had to take the measurements of the back of the neck - then he just decided to nap or keep stretching. Once she finally got the measurements, they were around 1 ml so all good.

They did see I still had a slight SCH and a bit of placenta previa, which is probably which caused it in the beginning. Because it's still early and so slight, they think it will rectify as they pregnancy goes on and move up. If I experience another big bleed, go to the ER, but slight spotting may just be the placenta shifting.

Still on pelvic rest and can't lift things, but normal activity is fine so I'll start my walks again. It was so nice to see our little guy healthy and active. I've started feeling little movements as well. I thought it was early, but since I'm thinner and it's a second pregnancy they said it was very plausible. Here is a photo of our guy!

Today was also the day we announced our pregnancy. I'm not sure everyone caught the bit about it being embryo adoption, so we'll have to clarify at a later date, but some saw the #snowflakebaby hashtag and have followed our journey close enough to know what it meant. Our son announced in his own creative fashion :)

He's very proud of his baby brother. He picked out his boots and needed his drum stick as a pointer. Every night consists of lots of belly kisses and he makes sure to lotion my belly up and pray for baby. He will be the best big brother ever. We're feeling very blessed!

9 weeks 1 day

April 1, 2016

Happy April Fools' Day! One year ago today (not funny) I had my meeting with my current RE for a consult and was told in no uncertain terms it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to get pregnant on my own. I left discouraged, but having left my name on their embryo donor list.

At the time we were still uncertain if that was the answer for us, and my husband was really struggling with the decision, but we knew it was something we were seriously considering and it couldn't hurt to put our names down. Fast forward one month when we made the final decision to actively pursue it and I let our coordinator know and she said she tentatively had embryos for us.

It's been a year of a lot of ups and downs, a lot of tears and laughter, but here we are. Pregnant! A few years ago I didn't even know embryo donation or adoption was a possibility. Thank God for miracles!

I'm getting excited. Next week we take our blood test to find out if we are having another boy or a little girl. Our son is still 100% wanting a girl, nothing to do with a boy. We shall see if he will be thrilled or we'll have several months of convincing him how cool a brother will be.

I'm exhausted. There's really no way around it. I feel sick most the day and am just dragging. I know that's common with first tri. I sometimes wonder if it's amplified from all the meds since I'm getting meds and I know the placenta is starting to produce on it's own as well. Is the doubling up making me feel more sick?

I'm still taking my estrogen three times a day and am taking 2 ml of progesterone in my shot every night, estrogen third nights. I know the doctor said he'd most likely start to wean me off after 8 weeks and we're here at 9. I was reading morning sickness is strongest weeks 8-10 and that certainly seems to be the case. We'll see if they start to lesson my drugs after my 10 week appointment. Until then, I'm kind of staggering through this. I know it gets better. I keep reminding myself with my son the first tri was brutal, but I loved the rest of pregnancy. I keep getting upset with myself and saying "You should be happy! You should be thrilled!" And I am!! But, oh man, I do have my moments of thinking, "I forgot how awful first tri was..."

I've an appointment next Weds with my OB, Friday with genetics to do my blood test and I've my NT scan scheduled for the 20th I believe. Crazy it's all coming up so quickly.

I haven't had any more issues with bleeding. I'm hoping my ultrasound next week reveals the SCH was reabsorbed. :)

God Bless!

7 weeks 3 days

March 20, 2016

Just checking in. Pretty much exhausted and feeling sick all the time, so that sounds like good news. My biggest struggle right now is staying hydrated. I'm not throwing up, but water and liquids just make me feel ill. I'm trying to mix it up with sparkling juice and waters. As for food, just trying to eat often and small. A slice of cheese is sometimes all I can handle, but that's ok. Just nibbling every few hours so my blood sugar doesn't drop. I just feel full, like I ate five plates at Thanksgiving and want to vomit full, All. The. Time.

As for the bed rest, or couch rest, I've let up a bit. As my doctor said, with no bleeding, I can get up on my feet and do some slight excursions or activities for 15 min or so. Although nothing crazy, I stopped by a friend's baby shower Friday night and promptly parked myself on the couch and went to a baby expo Saturday and made myself homey in a glider that was for sale. I will say I started to feel a bit crampy on the last outing, so we took it easy today. I did go to a friend's church to watch her son speak, but that was literally walking from the door to a chair and back again. I'm really hoping Weds brings good news about moving around a bit more. I miss my walks and I think they helped last pregnancy manage morning sickness.

Not a whole lot of food sounds good perse, except carbs, which I know really means I need more protein, so I've been trying to stick with protein. The only food that DOES sound good all the time in pickled green beans that my parents can. Silly, but oh my goodness. Spicy and salty...sooooo good. Thankfully they are coming to visit in a month so I'm trying to savor the two jars I have.

Other than that, waiting to go in Weds and praying to see a nice strong heartbeat and healed SCH.

God bless.

Subchorionic Hematoma

March 15,

We are 6 weeks and 5 days! It was back to the doctor today and perfect timing. As soon as we pulled up to the office and I put one foot out of the car I felt a huge gush of blood. I kept hoping it was just endometrin discharge from my meds, but I could tell it was something more. I went immediately to the bathroom and gah. I'd have two liners on and it'd soaked through. Eck. Thankfully they are well stocked on pads.

I could feel a dull ache and cramping on the way and was thinking it was my jeans which are already feeling a bit tight. Can I just wear leggings or sweats this whole pregnancy? Seems legit to me, right? When I felt that gush though...

Perfect timing if it were to happen though right? And, I'd been forewarned by the doctor it'd occur again. I'd kind of lucked out until now so I thought maybe I'd be getting off easy.

It was in for the blood draw and back to waiting for my ultrasound. As soon as I got in, the doctor's assistant was scheduled to do my ultrasound today. I like her so I wasn't about complaining it was her. She found the baby right away and already I could tell he or she had grown considerably since last Thursday. Sure enough, our little snowflake was measuring right on target, 6 weeks 5 days. I could see that little flicker of a heart beat too. Always so reassuring. My husband took a little video of the heart and you can even see the little bean moving around a bit. It's so amazing so early that little life is moving, has a beating heart...just amazing.

The thing I was most relieved to see was the dark black line that was the "tear" last time looked considerably smaller to my untrained eye. She said it was a different angle, but even after she moved the wand around, it didn't look as long. It looked a tad thicker in one area, but didn't extend the whole side of the placenta.

Here are the photos. Top is 6 weeks. See the dark black line below the placenta? That is the tear. Bottom is  6 weeks 5 days. The dark line doesn't look as menacing. And, look how much the baby had grown. Amazing how quickly they grow!

She said the clot would hopefully be reabsorbed or bleed out, which it was doing now. Until it was clear, bedrest. My husband clarified what that meant. She basically said only get up to eat or go to the bathroom when I was bleeding. When I wasn't move slow, avoid lifting or straining and only do light activity. Try to limit errands to 15 minutes or so and keep my feet up. If no bleeding, I could do the stairs, incredibly slow and carefully. If I had cramping or any spotting or bleeding, no more.

They wanted me back next week for monitoring. I asked if since I had a visit scheduled with my OB next Weds if that could count as my monitoring visit since prenatal care is covered there and this is out of pocket and they said sure. As long as my OB releases photos of my u/s and my blood tests, I'm ok to go there next week. If my OB agrees to weekly monitoring, then I can do it there under my insurance, but if not, I'll still have to go back to the RE the weeks I'm not seen there. Fingers crossed my OB is cooperative. Considering it's an existing pregnancy and a complication, I'd assume it would be covered since it has nothing to do with "fertility" itself.

We've been very blessed throughout all this. I asked our prayer chain at church just for prayer throughout all this and dinner miraculously appeared on our doorstep last night. They put together a small chain to bring meals every other day so we don't have to worry about food or grocery shopping. It's amazing what a relief that is.

My husband has been diligently submitting applications on the days our son is in childcare to find in town employment. It looks like he will be leaving next week. We're still debating how to make it work, but I think I can put our son in full time daycare for the interim until everything is completely better. I know a few moms from the school would work with me to pick him up or drop him off since we are literally across the street. Our son has been doing really good understanding and having patience I can't do everything to help him.

I can't imagine this will be a long term set back. If so, I talked to my mom about coming to help for a bit and my mother in law offered as well. We'll see how the next week goes before making any arrangements. I'm optimistic it will be short lived.

Until next time - kicking my feet up, drinking lots of water, trying to relax and being grateful for this little one growing day by day.

God bless!

Bedrest

March 11, 2016

Well, I guess this was my second day of bedrest. The good news is I've stopped bleeding entirely. My doctor did prepare me that it'd most likely happen again and there'd probably be cramping and clotting. For now though, I'm feeling good.

I feel sick every time I eat, but I was that way with my first pregnancy as well. A walk outside in the fresh air always helped, but for now, just have to suck it up. Totally fine with it. After everything, morning sickness and bedrest, not gonna complain.

My hubby is struggling a bit. Just with the "I need to work" stress - he travels out of town, but can't at least until I go back for a checkup and we are able to game plan. The reality is though, he was job hunting in town this week anyway, so while our son was at daycare he was able to turn in a few applications. It would be an answer to our prayers for him to get in town employment! For me, I work from home on the computer, so I can still work.

I had to let my agency know about the pregnancy and bedrest. I was hoping to hold off until I was undeniably showing this time because auditions disappear when they know, but out of decency, I let them know what was up. I don't want them pitching me for roles that I can't legitimately go out and audition for. I think if this rectifies soon and I can get back in the game for a month or two before I'm really showing they will still submit me. Maybe...fingers crossed.

My husband is also struggling because I think he's realizing how much of the day to day stuff I typically did. Having to do it all is kind of a rude awakening. All in all, he's handling it really well. Our son is understanding mommy needs to rest and to be careful climbing around me so baby is ok. He gave my belly a kiss goodnight. My husband's been a good sport to carry me up and down the stairs so I can shower. This will be my first night back in my bed and I cannot wait.

I'm trying to let go of the I need to do everything guilt. A friend of ours ran to Costco today and I had her pick us up several of their prepared meals to just pop in the oven. My we need to eat everything healthy attitude is a bit to the wayside right now. As much as I want healthy food, the reality is we need food on the table and I can't prepare it. If this is long term, we'll try and figure something out, but for now, prepared meals it is. It was a pizza night for dinner. I had no complaints.

Other than that, not much to update. I go back in Tuesday for an ultrasound and monitoring. Have a wonderful weekend!

God Bless!

First Beta

Feb. 29, 2016

Happy leap day! It was also beta day! Sooooo much better than the last one.

Are you ready for it? Drum. Roll. Please....

HCG 1468!
Estradiol 1344
Progesterone 52.84

My doctor said my levels were right on target and my HCG was high for my date. 13dp5dt or the equivalent of 18 days past ovulation. I'm just excited to know this little guy / gal is burrowing in and getting snugly for the long haul.

I have to go back Weds to check on doubling. Ideally, HCG doubles every 48-72 hrs; however I read that once it's over 1200 it slows down a bit. We shall see what the number is Weds - praying for good numbers.

My husband is out of town, so once I got my son dropped off to school I hopped in the car and headed to my draw. The traffic was a bit of a nightmare and it took me over an hour to get there, but I knew it'd be quick to do the blood draw and I could head home to work. The lab tech was my usual woman, so sweet.

When I went to check out the receptionist asked me if I'd cheated and this time I was able to say yes with a smile :) "Congrats! From here on out you pay out of pocket."

LOL, funny how that is the second thing out of their mouth. Yeah yeah yeah. I get it.

I was getting rather agitated I didn't hear sooner from the doctor's office. They close at 5 and it wasn't until 4:30 that I finally heard back from the nurse. I know first betas they usually make the call between noon and 1, so once it hit 4 I emailed and left a voice message. My coordinator finally called me back and gave me a long explanation for why she hadn't called sooner just leaving me on the phone rolling my eyes like "get to it already." She started with my estradiol, then my progesterone and then I hear "Where did I put your HCG, I swear it was right here."

COME ON ALREADY!!!

1468! Yippee!

So, back on Weds for a second draw, then I believe a week later for a third and then back for my first ultrasound the following week. I don't know the date for sure, but if they are working on weeks, I'd be 6 weeks 6 days for the first ultra sound on March 16.

Pray for a good doubling number for me! I'm so excited. Thank you, God! Thank you, God! Thank you, God!

10dp5dt

Feb. 26, 2016

Getting so close to beta day! So many ladies go in at 9dp5dt or 10, but my clinic has been holding strict to 12, and since that is a Sunday, 13 it is. I'm feeling good though. Other than tender breasts and being incredibly tired, which I think has more to do with all the hormones than pregnancy this early in the game, I'm completely symptom free.

I haven't been too crazy testing. I test originally 4dp5dt and then again on 5 days, 7 days, 9 days. My line has always darkened. The last two days weren't crazy different, but significant enough to know it was progressing. I don't completely trust the "ink" on these Wondfos anyway. A lady in my EA forum completely freaked because hers was super light after being dark - sure enough she dipped another and it was dark again.

The top was 4 day and bottom was 9 day. I thought I was out of tests, but I found two mixed in with my old OPKs today. I might just go crazy and test again tomorrow ;) My OPKs I'll ship out to another Mama trying with hopes it'll bring her luck.

I'm down to my last Lovenox tonight. A friend had said she was sending me some, but it never arrived. Apparently her husband forgot to send them. I called around to all the area pharmacies and YOUCH! Some charge as much as $48 per vial (one vial per day.) Costco was the best bargain. I actually had my coordinator send a script for heparin because it was cheaper but figured why not give it a go with my insurance.

Turns out Lovenox IS covered, but ONLY if my Kaiser doctor prescribes it. After a bit of back and forth, she agreed to put in a prescription for two weeks. She doesn't understand my RE's decision to prescribe it to me, but honestly, she isn't a fertility doctor. He's one of the best and I trust him, so I'm going with what he says. I got the impression, I won't need it all through pregnancy, but just up until a point he feels certain my body won't reject the embryo. I'm sure I'll chat more with him in a few weeks at our first ultrasound about when that is.

I realized that I didn't tell you about my "spilling the beans" with my in-laws. Apparently, my husband who was with them for his grandma's funeral was having questions fired at him. They were unaware we'd transferred. I'd told them a month out, but with everything going on, I just think they forgot completely. Anyway, they asked when we were transferring and he said "We already have."

Then the questions started. How is it done? What is the procedure? When would we know? My poor hubby was just sitting there knowing all the while that we'd tested positive the day before. He finally text me "You have to call and tell them. I'll tell my mom you are calling to tell her about the procedure."

So, I called. When I got on the phone with her and she asked about it, I said "Well, Bryce wanted me to explain you'd be a grandma again in November."

Silence.

"Wait. What? Wait. It worked? It took?"

"Yes!"

She was overcome with emotion and having just said goodbye to a loved one, I think it was really an extra special thing for them to know a new baby would be blessing the family. Before she could tell Papa, I told her, let's FaceTime so my son could tell him. And boy did he ever. He just kept screaming "Big Brother" again into the phone.

My son is adamant we are having a girl. He tells me everyday "I want a girl." And, he's always pulling up my shirt and rubbing my belly and kissing it. I hope for his sake it's a girl...and if not, we will have several months trying to convince him how awesome a baby brother would be ;)

Anyway, just wanted to jump on and give you all an update. I'm feeling very peaceful and that God is in control. I've no fear for this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful for a nice strong beta and beautiful doubling. This little snowflake is well loved and cherished and we are so incredibly excited.

God bless!

Spilling the Beans

Feb. 21, 2015

Well, I woke up to a much stronger line. Top was yesterday, bottom was today. It darkened as it dried. I shot off a text to my hubby who is out of town who could notice right away it was darker. If man eyes can see it, everyone can see it :) I joked, do you want me to take the First Response to compare as well? "Sure!"

Instead I dug out a digital I didn't even know we had with an expiration this may and figured why not...

Undeniable.

This morning before church, my son and I called my mom to ask if they could skype however my son started screaming into the phone "Big Brother. I'm going to be a Big Brother." So...as of this moment, my mom knows, but not my step dad or sisters. She was at the bowling alley with them all when it happened. I told her she could tell, but I'd prefer to tell them myself so she swore she'd keep it under wraps until we can skype with my step dad.

Next, we Facetimed my sister and parents (dad and step mom - in case all the parental references are getting confusing) and she ran downstairs so my son could share his message. He screamed "Big Brother at them about a half dozen times." They stared clueless but I could hear my sister, who worked for years at a daycare start laughing and translate for them. Instantly, tears flooded my step mom's eyes and there were a lot of cheers!

My son recorded a special message for all his aunt's and uncles. Sadly, I don't think anyone can understand the little guy screaming Big Brother into the phone, but I did say if you need a translation let me know. We were going to try to skype or Facetime everyone individually, but I know everyone's schedules are hectic and wanted to ensure they all found out today.

I'll totally admit I let my best friend know yesterday as well as my friend who has also done EA. They both were ecstatic and my childhood friend called a flurry of emotion. I could tell she was crying.

It's funny. Last time we planned a wonderful and sentimental announcement near the end of first tri. With this one, we will do something to let people know more widespread, but for our family, we needed them to know right away as they've literally been there, praying every step of the way with us. Strength in numbers. Strength in prayers.

My husband's family doesn't know yet. He did tell me his brother does because he asked how things were going and he let him know we got a positive. As for his parents, they don't know. Today is his grandma's visitation, and the funeral is tomorrow. His parents are very peaceful with her passing. She was a strong woman of faith and her suffering is over. I know this unexpected joy would be received as good and comforting news to them.

I'm just so excited! I pray for this little baby, that he or she continues to grow strong. I pray for a great doubling beta, a strong heartbeat, a happy and healthy nine months, an uncomplicated pregnancy, a fantastic birth and a long, healthy life for this little person. That's not too much to ask for is it?? lol

We've been full of such peace and hope this time around. We've had such support and encouragement. We are blessed.

1dp5dt

Feb. 17, 2016

Well, one day down. Almost. Feeling good. Having really bad cramps. I'm trying to remember last time if they were this bad. Since it was a negative last time, I assume it was either from the procedure or the embryo had implanted and just arrested. I'll never know. I DO know that today, I'm having really bad cramping. It started super low like little bursts and has just morphed into really bad menstrual like cramps all over. Just dull and achy. Whenever I get up, I just feel sore and like there is a lot of pressure.

Other than that, I feel good. I didn't do the whole bedrest thing this time. I took it easy yesterday and was a couch potato watching shows, but I refused to work to limit stress. It was nice! My son came and snuggled with me before bed and I read him stories on the couch. I slept downstairs as well. I did want to avoid the stairs the first day - maybe a silly precaution, but that was one thing my RE was rather adamant about and I didn't want those "what if" feelings. I will admit it was nice to sleep without my son waking me. Fell to dad last night ;) Hm...maybe I need another night without the stairs, eh?

Last night it was very sweet. My husband pulled out the photo of the embryo at dinner and explained to our son that we called it a "snowflake" and it was tiny tiny and hopefully someday would be a baby. We explained it was in mommy's tummy and mommy couldn't pick him up for a little bit. After dinner, when we were on the couch, he lifted up my shirt and laid his head on my tummy. He kissed it. Melts my heart. I hope that little guy / gal in there is snuggling in deep. He / she has an amazing big brother waiting for them.

This morning, my son came down to wake me and we snuggled and watched cartoons and I got him ready. My husband dropped him at school, but I'm picking him up tonight. I've just been working from the couch today making sure to get up every few hours to get the blood pumping.

I started the Lovenox last night. Not too bad. I will say it stings to push that needle in, but it does to the rear as well. The Lovenox goes into your fat in your stomach. You have to basically squish it up and stab it in there. I think it actually stings more because you are watching it go in and have to give it a good shove. It did bruise a tiny bit - it just looks like a blood blister. It bled more than the intramuscular ones in my butt. I'm thinking the nurse was right and I'll have to move to my legs at some point. I'll have to take a photo later into this process. My stomach will be riddled with bruised dots. lol

An amazing thing yesterday. We received an anonymous donation. It came with a beautiful hand written note. Someone's uncle had passed away. They decided to give us a portion of the estate he left as he'd have wanted to gift it to a couple seeking the adoption process. They commented how he may not have understood this method, but getting with the times and all... lol. It was neat to hear about his life and his quirky personality. I've saved it to put in a memory box for our little Snowflake. We've so many things to share with him or her when they are older about how wanted they are, how blessed we are to have them in our family.

It was really neat to get and my husband and myself continuously find ourselves thanking God and amazing at how blessed we've been. A month ago, I remember crying and not knowing how we would do all this. I honestly made a decision one day to lay it at God's feet and found peace. I will never stop being amazed at how God works. There is no problem to big or too small.

Well, gearing up for my next shot and keeping my feet up and warm while I finish out the work day and can go get my son.

God bless!

PUPO

Feb. 16, 2016

Well, we are officially PUPO again! Hopefully with a better outcome this time.

Last night I got my last acupuncture session and we had dinner outside on the patio. It was a wonderful evening with my guys. Last night was a bit restless. My son's sound machine is going downhill and decided to come on full volume at midnight so that was the first wake up. Second was him needing to go potty at 2. Third was when he decided 4:45 was an appropriate wake up time. Fourth was when he decided 5:45 was REALLY the best wake up time. At that point, I sent my hubby with him so I could get an extra 45 minutes of sleep.

I got him off to school and took a nice walk to clear my head. Had a shower, hubby made breakfast and paid a few bills, then off we went. I put on my nice little Snowflake leggings for luck :)

We had no traffic and had left with plenty of time so there was no stress upon arrival. We actually we directed to wait in the "special" waiting room. Apparently there is a side waiting room. It's fancy and secluded. I'm thinking that is where people go before procedures to limit stress.

When they called us in, my bladder was very full. I got undressed, shimmied up on the table and she took a peak "Whoa! Your bladder is VERY full!"

Um, yup. Let's get this pony show on the road. 

After about ten minutes, I told my husband I had to empty at least part of my bladder. The nurse said no doubt and it was full enough I could count between 10-15. Sure enough, still plenty full when I got back to the room.

The doctor walked in and pulled out the photo of our wee one. One beautiful, hatched little embryo that looked perfect. He held up the photo to my and asked my husband "Looks just like her, right?" I really like our doctor. After my firing a few questions at him we found out that it was thawed last night. At that time it was just hatching, and by this morning, it was fully hatched and thriving. Our little guy / gal is ready to snuggle in.

They called back to the lab and had them bring in our babe. He inserted the tube into the catheter and it was the coolest thing. Last time, there was a bit of a glimmer on the screen, but today, there was a big white snowball that shot out of the catheter and snuggled in. I looked at the time on the monitor and it said 11:24:44. Come to find out, the clock on that was all wrong, because when I looked at my phone well after it was done it was 11:09. So...who knows the for sure time. I do know, both my husband and myself thought it was a magical moment.

After the all clear our tube was empty, I was instructed to lay for about ten minutes and then empty my bladder. So, waddle waddle waddle I went and took care of it.

After I got dressed, we had a nurse snap a photo of us before heading out. Here is our baby's first photo :)

We headed from there to acupuncture. It was a new woman there today who was very sweet. She did a few points on my head, ear, arms and legs and put a head lamp over my feet. She asked if I was cold and I said a bit so she pulled out this lovely, warm, snuggly fleece that lo and behold was covered in snowflakes. It made me smile.

After acupuncture, home again home again jiggidy jig. My friend had dropped off soup for us last night, so we warmed that up and watched a few of our favorite comedy shows to just relax and laugh. My hubby was so sweet to hook me up with some warming pads for my feet to keep them toasty warm.

Snuggle in wee one. We love you already.

Blessed

Feb. 10, 2016

Today I am an overemotional, sappy, crying mess. But, today, I can't blame the meds. Well, maybe I'll blame the meds for the extra snot bubbles, gasps of air and overall magnitude of how I reacted.

There is a mom group that I've been blessed to be a part of since I was pregnant with my son. There's been highs and lows, births and deaths, disagreements, excitement, laughter and tears. I've had the good fortune of meeting some of these women outside the group here local to me and on a trip to MI 12 of us strong got together with all our little ones. And everyone, everyone is as amazing as I've thought they would be through knowing them in cyberspace. Many of them, I haven't had the good fortune to meet...yet.

Today, I literally broke down in big heaping sobs. These women got together and raised $850 for me. Somehow, someway, they not only did it from within the group, but from my personal friends and family as well. As I was reading through the list, I saw my sister, best friend and friend from highschool who I know also has had her share of heartbreak with infertility. The money, don't get me wrong is awesome. And, I'm so grateful for it, and it does relieve so much stress, but the sentiment behind it...I cannot even put into words. I'm crying again. Let me get a hold of myself...

The sweet gesture of them to do this and to write such loving, supportive things. I know so many of these ladies have their own trials, tribulations, angst or hardships...for them to come together and support me, I just, I have no words.

From day one when I was diagnosed, it was this group I turned to. Every tear, they comforted me, made me laugh, gave me courage to try the next step. It's amazing to me that a group of women, the majority I've never met have become such a strong part of my life. This was the group of kick ass (pardon my language) women that I turned to. They were there before all the support groups. They were there when my husband just didn't know how to react or comfort me. They were there when my own personal friends and family didn't know about this yet or were at a loss what to say or do. These women. These women are fabulous. If I could go to every single one of them and give them a giant, snotty faced hug, I would.

Tomorrow I head in for my final appointment before transfer. I head in knowing 176 women strong are praying and hoping and wishing me the best. That's powerful. For that, I am grateful. For that, I am blessed.

God bless!

My New TCM

Feb. 5, 2016

My new TCM and I didn't gel very well. She's very competent and friendly, just has some strong opinions about my treatment. I get it. She wanted me here six months ago and she wants me coming every other day. Well, I wasn't there and not gonna happen. When I tried to tell her that she just flat out said "Why?"

"Um, well, I work, and have a child to care for and no insurance coverage."

"Well, you need to."

"Um, again, I work, and have a child so I don't have childcare that often, and once again, no insurance coverage. This is expensive."

"Well, you need to."

You get the idea. We could have gone around in circles all day.

When I walked in, it was a nice clean office and had about six or so acupuncture rooms. Much nicer than my old place. She walked in and was very fluent in English. I can also tell she does indeed specializes in fertility because she read my chart and knew and understood exactly what I was doing as opposed to my other TCM's (who I adore.)

She wanted me coming every other day to stimulate my blood flow and build my uterine lining. I get it. But, I also know these visits are $65 a pop. I tried explaining to her that I'd been going to acupuncture for 2 1/2 yrs so I wasn't starting at ground zero. I made the decision to do what I can and trust it will help. Her response?

"One visit will do nothing for you."

Well, ok then. She pretty much informed me I'd be coming three times next week, the day before transfer (since they aren't open early enough for me to come that day) and then directly after transfer. I'd go home and lay flat for three days without moving and then come back in ten days in a row. Um, not gonna happen.

So, she put the needles in, pretty much all the same main points as my other TCM so it was nice to verify they both knew what they were doing. She didn't do any of the hands or head points though. What really bothered me is she never checked my pulse. Not before or after which seemed bizarre to me. After she put my needles in and put the heat lamp on, she left. No nice music like my other place. I just lay there in the dark trying to relax but becoming increasingly stressed out and upset about all the money these stupid sessions were going to take. By the time she came back in, I was over it.

I went to pay and she pushed for me to come back Saturday, Monday, Thursday, Saturday and then Monday / Tuesday. I flat out told her I can't and again she pushed me. BECAUSE! I HAVE A CHILD AND NO CHILDCARE. I WORK. AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO COME THAT MUCH! Seriously lady! I agreed to TWO visits next week and the day before and day of. All the studies I read stress the before and after transfer so I'm focusing on that.

I also told her I would not be lying flat for three days and that I'd discussed it with my doctor. She told me "That's opposite of what other doctors say." "Well, studies show lying completely still restricts blood flow and lessons implantation" To which she responded "That makes sense I agree with your doctor." I figure I'll fight the ten visits in a row battle with her later. I didn't have the energy.

I really just wanted to go back to my old TCM and have her do the after transfer visit. I'm tempted. The problem is it's an hour drive both ways there (more with traffic) and an hour visit. It's so much quicker here since she's right in town. If my husband is in town next week maybe I'll have them do my acupuncture for my Thursday visit when I have my last ultrasound.

I also had to drive back to the clinic today. The coordinator called and someone had brought in 11 Lovenox. so yay! 11 less to buy. Interesting fact, you actually insert a giant air bubble into yourself with this shot. I'm so use to making sure all the air gets out that it surprised me. I'm glad she explained it because I would have instinctually removed it. She also stocked me on syringes and needles since I was about out. I chatted with the financial folks there because I'd remembered seeing a sign that prices increase March 1. Given my beta is Feb 29...that'd suck if this was an unsuccessful transfer. Here's to hoping this little babe or babes snuggle in.

I just have to share...my shot last night, it was like a geyser. I was so relieved my son wasn't there when I did it. I must have hit a vein because when I removed the needle, the blood absolutely shot across the room. After I grabbed my alcohol swab to stop the bleeding and mop up the floor I started laughing. It was like a cheesy horror film.

I did my castor oil pack while I sat here and worked today. My abdomen feels heavy. I think it's the meds and how the lining is building so quickly, but I don't remember that feeling last time so early in the cycle.

Anyway, I'm using a gift certificate to a massage tomorrow. Now that I fought off the aggressive TCM I'm going to relax and de-stress. When I meet her head on next week I'll flat out say, this is what I can do. I think some is better than none, so let's work with it.

God bless!

Monitoring Visit 2

Feb. 4, 2016

Back to the clinic this morning. I was feeling good going in. I've been making sure to walk everyday to get the blood flowing and my son is big into the Pow Wows in the evening so lots of dancing there. I've also been drinking my POM juice, doing my femoral massage and abdomen massage and even threw in a castor oil pack and steam for good measure.

The good news is...my lining is at a 9! It was at a 9 for my last visit before transfer last time, so to be a week ahead is great news. It also had a beautiful triple stripe pattern. Yahoo! I'm to up my meds per protocol to get it nice and fluffy.

I talked to my doctor a bit about a new study that is out and how women shouldn't lay there after the procedure but get right up. Although the studies show that as best, he said he'd still like me to lay for about 10 minutes. The increase in pregnancy wasn't huge (although when you are dealing with infertility, a 5% risk looks astronomical) because he said sometimes the uterus is contracting from the catheter. My thought is, I can't control everything about this, so I'm just going to trust him. I have so far.

We did chat a bit more about bedrest though and he thinks strict bedrest is counter productive. He just told me to kind of be a couch potato and treat myself right the day of transfer and that I could get back to normal the next day if I wanted or just continue to take it easy. Getting up and walking around a bit was just fine. He said the female body isn't meant to be sedentary and that adequate blood flow is good to ensure proper implantation. I'm glad we were on the same page. Sounds good to me. My issue this go round is the NO STRESS! I had a work implosion last time and really let that stress me out to tears the day of transfer. This time. Nope.

Today I go into my new acupuncturist. We shall see how it goes.

We're still having the one versus two debate. Neither of us know at all. When I spoke to the doctor he told me frankly that he doubts there'd be any issue with my uterus that would prevent the implantation so it'd be issue with the embryo most likely to prevent a success. We're basically betting on the embryos. Do we risk just one again and have a no go and repeat this whole thing? If we transfer both and neither take, his thought is they were both duds and we saved ourselves another unsuccessful transfer? If they are both perfect...we may get twins. We put two in we've 21% chance of twins, but 70% chance of pregnancy. We put one in, we've 50%.  Decisions decisions.

We've just decided to pray about it and how we felt led jump in with two feet. As difficult as times have gotten in the past, I know there's always been a reason and I've never been dealt an issue we haven't faced head on, lived and learned from. If it's twins. It's twins and we'll count ourselves blessed.

A mommy friend who's experienced her own trials with infertility told me go for it. She said I put three in, three implanted, two had a heart beat and at the third appointment only one remained. You never know, so go for it and trust.

I had another woman in a mommy group reach out and offer me some of her unused meds as well. I am constantly surprised and humbled by people's generosity.

We haven't really told many people this time about our transfer. After the last, I just needed to experience this one privately. Well, except for all of you...and my mommy group...and my infertility groups...and... LOL You get the picture. My husband's parents at one time knew we were looking at Feb, but have never asked questions and neither of us have expounded. I just told my step mom and dad a few days ago. Other than that, a few close, close friends.

I'll keep you posted...

God Bless.