Dear Embryo Donor

Dear Anonymous Embryo Donor,

You don't know me. I may just look like an average woman on the street. Maybe you see me hurried to get my son to school or hear my laughter ring out. You may see me smiling with friends or waiting in a grocery line. But, that isn't all of me.

You haven't seen my tears or seen me crumble in a pile asking God why. You haven't heard my prayers or glimpsed the pain in my eyes at yet another negative test. You don't know the burden on my heart or my marriage... You changed that.

You have blessed me. You have dried my eyes. You have answered my prayers. You have put a glint of happiness in my eyes and joy into my heart.

Dear donor, you have allowed me to once again feel that optimism of a positive pregnancy test. You have allowed me that moment of utter delight and tears or joy to see that flicker of a heart and hear that beautiful beat. You've given me the chance to experience the exhaustion, the sickness, the discomfort of growing a baby, and I'm grateful. You have allowed me to feel my baby move around inside me, taking my breath away with each kick. You have allowed me the utter amazement as I look at an ultrasound and count ten little fingers and ten little toes. See a little nose and mouth, legs and arms. You have given me the gift of childbirth - each mind boggling contraction bringing forth absolutely raw emotion and unmatched strength I didn't know I was capable of. You allowed me to see my incredible boy being brought into this world. To hold his slippery little body against my chest as his cord stopped pumping. For his father to cut the cord and stare at amazement at his son. To look into his big brown eyes and kiss every inch of his perfect little body. You have allowed me to feed him and sustain him. To hug him and cuddle him.

You have allowed me the honor or waking up to feed him, calm him, change him and love him. Utterly exhausted, I'm still grateful to catch a glimpse of his sweet face as he nurses by moonlight, to breathe in his unmistakable scent as I rock him to sleep, to feel that soft tickle of his hair against my chin.

You have allowed me the honor of calming him when he is tired. Hugging him when he is scared. Consoling him when he is inconsolable. You have granted me the privilege of caring for him when he is sick, fighting for him when he is helpless and loving him with every ounce of my being.

You have graced me with the gift of his laughter and his wide bright smile that lights up a room. You have let me be amazed by his strength, his easy demeanor and his endless chatter.

Dear donor, I will never be able to look you in the eyes and thank you from the very core of my being for such a selfless gift. You undoubtedly questioned what to do. You most likely wondered if a family could love your babies as much as you could. You may have considered destroying your embryos or donating them to science. You may have wavered wondering if you could do it. Let them go. You may have cried, questioned, cursed, yelled.

Thank you for your selflessness. Thank you for blessing our family with the gift of a child. Thank you for blessing our son with a life. An opportunity to grow, love, live. We will always let him know he was conceived, in love. You loved him so much you gave him an opportunity at life. He was wanted from day one. By you. By us. He will know how much we yearned for him. Prayed for him. He will know he is loved by all of us.

I look at my son and tears spring to my eyes on a daily basis knowing had you made a different decision, he would not exist. That is unfathomable to me. He is perfect. He is special. He is loved. I know with every fiber of my being our son was intended for us by God. He is with us for a reason.

Dear donor. Thank you. We love you. We pray for you.

You may look like an average man and woman on the street...but you are more. You are our angels. God bless you always.

40 weeks 6 days

Nov. 9, 2016

Well, 41 weeks tomorrow. And, induction day. Not my ideal. But, when it comes down to it, I do know after 41 weeks there are higher risks and after all we fought for, healthy baby is priority uno. I was able to chat with my doctor though at my appointment Tuesday regarding my concerns. My last induction was a nightmare. I reacted poorly to all the meds, almost ruptured my uterus...long, painful. This time, she told us to be firm with the hospital staff we don't care how long it takes. Low and slow is the game plan.

Last time I was emergency induced for extremely low fluid. This time, the fluid is fine, baby looks fine, so if it takes longer, it takes longer. I'm arguing against cytotec and LOW LOW LOW doses of pit and taking me off when labor is established. My hubby even recorded my doctor and my discussion so if there is any issue we can play it. She said to ensure they don't give me more than 50% of the maximum dose, so no more than 10 units of pit throughout the whole process. I'm aiming for MUCH lower. I'm feeling more positive about it. Last time we rushed there, were first time parents and slightly panicked for our child's welfare. This time, we feel like we have a game plan and our OB's backing so we can talk more about options.

My in laws are in town and mother just text her plan just landed (hubby is getting her now) so our son will be well taken care of which is a giant stress relief. No worries about arranging midnight childcare or how long the process is. I did say I don't want visitors in the labor room. Once he's here, welcome all, but I really just want it to be chill. I don't want to make small talk between contractions.

We've been doing a lot of walking. Before my in-laws arrival we were doing nightly walks with our son, and since they've been here we've taken a few with him, but were fortunate enough to get a nice long hilly one in tonight. It feels so good, both to walk and enjoy the slight chill in the air. In SoCal were still in the upper 80s during the day, but at night it drops so it feels a bit like fall and I love, love love it!

It's been such a bizarre day. To begin, everyone has been beyond nasty, belligerent, judgmental and just so mean spirited regarding the election. I told Bryce I thank my lucky stars our sweet boy didn't come today. He would have been overshadowed by hate. I'm not sure how much better it will be tomorrow or the following day, but I'll be happy he has at least a scrap of distance from it all.

I've just been very emotional and hormonal. This evening, tucking my son in, I walked out of his room with a tear in my eye. Knowing it was the last time I kissed and hugged my son good night as an only child really resonated with me. I know there is so much love in my heart for our new little babe, but I somehow wonder HOW I can love another human as much as I love my one son already. I remember talking to my mom and she said your heart only grows bigger. I am so proud of him and how sweet, loving and caring he is. He will be the best big brother ever and I think one of the most exciting and emotional times in my life will be to see him walk into that hospital room and hold his baby brother for the first time.

Tomorrow I plan to have a big ole' breakfast and fuel up before the 1 pm induction. Maybe a walk in the morning and to just take it easy. I've got all my oils packed to help with the delivery and post partum, snacks for myself and hubby and son for when he visits and a little gift for him from the baby. We're ready to rock.

Well, the next time I post, I will have our sweet baby boy here with us and not jousting my bladder, ribs and various internal organs. We're so curious and excited to meet him. If I may ask for your prayers and blessings on easy and successful delivery.

God bless.

37 weeks

Oct. 13, 2016

Full term! Well, early term, but full all the same. I had my doctor's appointment yesterday and all is well. We started the NST (non stress test) and AFI (amniotic fluid index) testing yesterday. You know, because I'm "geriatric" and because of my low fluids and resulting induction last time.

For those who've never had it done, they put on two belts, similar to what you would where during monitoring for labor. Each belt has a monitor. One measures the baby's heat beat and the other measures contractions. Each time your baby moves you press a little button.

Our guy, as I've mentioned before is quite the active fellow. After about ten minutes the nurse came to check on me and told me "Don't press the button each time he hiccups." What? I was confused. "What do you mean?" "You shouldn't be pressing it for hiccups."

*confused look* "I'm not."

"He's moving that much??" "Yup!" "Wow. Your baby is an overachiever." ...as I got another jab.

The movements can get quite uncomfortable. I wonder if it's because my placenta is in the front not cushioning my organs like it did with my son. Because, yow!

I was monitored for a bit less than 30 minutes and had had 3 contractions. If I was reading the print out right, they were about every 8 minutes or so. I'd told my doctor I'd been having them, but she wasn't concerned. I was a day away from "full term" so she said I could go anytime and the baby would be fine. I'm not certain I'll be "going" anytime soon as I was contracting with my son for over a month at regular intervals as well. I WILL say this time they are more intense. If I had to guess, I'd guess the baby will come early this time.

Next up, AFI testing. For this they lay you flat and do an ultrasound. They measure the four quadrants of your uterus, so picture a big plus sign on your abdomen. Each quadrant, they get a measurement of amniotic fluid. My fluid yesterday was 10. Not a ton, but definitely in normal ranges. The nurse said when it hits 6 is when they send you to the hospital for induction. I think I was around 4 with my son when they basically ushered me to the door and said go immediately to the hospital. My fluids two weeks ago were 11.2, so I'm thinking they should hold on until I'm full gestation. Fingers crossed :)

That is about all the excitement I have here. I've gotten a TON done around the house the past few days and we are in good shape. If I were to go into labor early, our house is clean and presentable for the baby sitter and inlaws arrival. Bag is packed. Food is well stocked.

God bless!

36 weeks 1 day

October 7, 2016

We are cruising along here! I can't believe in less than a week I will technically be "full term" although we'd like to let baby bake a few weeks longer. I feel like the last month or two has been a whirlwind, but things are starting to take shape.

My older son is now settled into his big boy room. Aside from some decor we want to get done, he's got a bed, mattress and sheets, so score. The baby's room is set and ready to go. Fully stocked with laundered clothing and diapers, crib reset and bedding washed. All our baby "stuff" like swings, bouncers, blankies...all washed, all disinfected.

Now, I turn to deep cleaning the house and freezing meals. We have a bit more decorating to do in my son's room and the nursery, so fingers crossed I can get that done. I also really need to put my hospital bag together. Tonight, I'm blending my postpartum spray getting crafty with my oils. I wanted a more natural approach to assist with my healing "down there." If you want to know what oils I suggest, go here. I'm doing a blend with lavender, frankincense, clary sage and helichrysum in witch hazel.

As for the baby, he is an ACTIVE bugger. This kid never stops moving. At my appointment Weds, I had a new doctor because mine left for the rest of the month to go be with her daughter giving birth, and she asked if I'd been doing kick counts. I started laughing. There was no need because he never stopped moving. She did an u/s quickly to check my fluids and concurred. He was just go go go. She didn't take a measurement, but said they looked fine. The week prior it was 11.2 which is still in the ok range. Next week I have to start NST and AFI testing because of my "advanced age" and prior history with low fluids. Thankfully, I was able to schedule my appointment right after my normal weekly appointment.

At 35 weeks, my doctor had estimated the baby to be between 5 1/2 - 6 lbs so thought he'd be around 7 1/2 - 8 lbs at term. That's a pound heavier than my son, and I completely believe it. I can tell this bugger is larger.

I'm feeling pretty good overall. I'm still getting sick after eating, but I'm actually getting use to that. I don't remember what it feels like to eat and not feel sick. I will relish it after our little guy's arrival. My back is a bit out of wack, but that's pretty typical I think. And, the insomnia, well, again, pretty typical. The up four times a night using the bathroom paired with the unable to get to sleep bit is cutting into my zzzz's. All in all though, I've been very fortunate.

My son is PSYCHED to meet his brother. He's already talking about holding him, kissing him, helping out. I look at him and have moments of fear having to share myself with another child. I assume that's pretty typical for most moms having another baby. I worry will I have enough love to go around. I remember sharing that fear with my mom and she said your heart only grows bigger. I have to imagine that is the truth. I know how tender and loved our little snowflake is, and that love will only grow and grow from the moment I hold him in my arms.

Well, I should try to get some rest. Lots of work to get done. Tomorrow a few of my friend's are having a little sprinkle in my honor. Very sweet of them to celebrate our little man.

God Bless!

10 weeks pregnant

April 7, 2016

10 weeks preggers today! I went in for my check up yesterday and good news, it seems the SCH seems to have been reabsorbed. My OB's equipment isn't super high tech, so we'll have the technician at my NT scan in two weeks look more carefully.

The baby looks great thought. He/she was moving all around, tossing it's little arms about. It was funny, some shots looked like a little teddy bear or gummy bear...then we snapped this one. My hubby had to picstitch it together. We're calling this little babe our badger.

My doctor seems very happy. My husband and I just can't wrap our heads around how quickly the baby grows and changes. It's absolutely amazing and such a miracle. From a tiny dot to this in just a few short weeks. 

Tomorrow I go in for my genetics appointment and we are taking the NIPT to check for any genetic issues and gender. I feel very calm everything will be fine with this baby. He/she is quite the fighter. Nice and strong from the start. Hopefully we will hear back when they get the results versus making us wait until the 12 week NT scan, but either way, we will know in two weeks.

My son loves the little photos of our little "snowflake badger." The OB snapped five of them because she kept getting cute little ones, one with his/her arms crossed another looking like a giant teddy. Adorable.

The morning sickness seems worse. I just feel so icky 24/7. I emailed my RE with the results from yesterday. My OB didn't want to run another estradiol and progesterone test since we were at 10 weeks and she felt the placenta would be in full swing by now, but agreed if he wanted another test, she'd put it in. I'm waiting to hear back. I know his office usually starts tapering meds at 8 weeks and I'm at 10 now. We'll see if I'll be putting in a refill or not.

Other than that, nothing new to report. I gained 2 lbs so that is good. I'm 1/2 lb heavier than at transfer, so at least I've made my weight back. I'm getting to the point where I just look like I've eaten a gigantic meal. Not really showing, just bloated a bit. I'll have to start transitioning into maternity or more forgiving pants in a few weeks I'm sure.

So, tomorrow, on to the blood test! They'll also be running my iron and liver levels. I've hemochromatosis so they want to ensure they monitor them during the pregnancy. My iron is always super high, but last time by the time I gave birth it was lowered quite a bit, which is good.

God Bless!

Subchorionic Hematoma

March 15,

We are 6 weeks and 5 days! It was back to the doctor today and perfect timing. As soon as we pulled up to the office and I put one foot out of the car I felt a huge gush of blood. I kept hoping it was just endometrin discharge from my meds, but I could tell it was something more. I went immediately to the bathroom and gah. I'd have two liners on and it'd soaked through. Eck. Thankfully they are well stocked on pads.

I could feel a dull ache and cramping on the way and was thinking it was my jeans which are already feeling a bit tight. Can I just wear leggings or sweats this whole pregnancy? Seems legit to me, right? When I felt that gush though...

Perfect timing if it were to happen though right? And, I'd been forewarned by the doctor it'd occur again. I'd kind of lucked out until now so I thought maybe I'd be getting off easy.

It was in for the blood draw and back to waiting for my ultrasound. As soon as I got in, the doctor's assistant was scheduled to do my ultrasound today. I like her so I wasn't about complaining it was her. She found the baby right away and already I could tell he or she had grown considerably since last Thursday. Sure enough, our little snowflake was measuring right on target, 6 weeks 5 days. I could see that little flicker of a heart beat too. Always so reassuring. My husband took a little video of the heart and you can even see the little bean moving around a bit. It's so amazing so early that little life is moving, has a beating heart...just amazing.

The thing I was most relieved to see was the dark black line that was the "tear" last time looked considerably smaller to my untrained eye. She said it was a different angle, but even after she moved the wand around, it didn't look as long. It looked a tad thicker in one area, but didn't extend the whole side of the placenta.

Here are the photos. Top is 6 weeks. See the dark black line below the placenta? That is the tear. Bottom is  6 weeks 5 days. The dark line doesn't look as menacing. And, look how much the baby had grown. Amazing how quickly they grow!

She said the clot would hopefully be reabsorbed or bleed out, which it was doing now. Until it was clear, bedrest. My husband clarified what that meant. She basically said only get up to eat or go to the bathroom when I was bleeding. When I wasn't move slow, avoid lifting or straining and only do light activity. Try to limit errands to 15 minutes or so and keep my feet up. If no bleeding, I could do the stairs, incredibly slow and carefully. If I had cramping or any spotting or bleeding, no more.

They wanted me back next week for monitoring. I asked if since I had a visit scheduled with my OB next Weds if that could count as my monitoring visit since prenatal care is covered there and this is out of pocket and they said sure. As long as my OB releases photos of my u/s and my blood tests, I'm ok to go there next week. If my OB agrees to weekly monitoring, then I can do it there under my insurance, but if not, I'll still have to go back to the RE the weeks I'm not seen there. Fingers crossed my OB is cooperative. Considering it's an existing pregnancy and a complication, I'd assume it would be covered since it has nothing to do with "fertility" itself.

We've been very blessed throughout all this. I asked our prayer chain at church just for prayer throughout all this and dinner miraculously appeared on our doorstep last night. They put together a small chain to bring meals every other day so we don't have to worry about food or grocery shopping. It's amazing what a relief that is.

My husband has been diligently submitting applications on the days our son is in childcare to find in town employment. It looks like he will be leaving next week. We're still debating how to make it work, but I think I can put our son in full time daycare for the interim until everything is completely better. I know a few moms from the school would work with me to pick him up or drop him off since we are literally across the street. Our son has been doing really good understanding and having patience I can't do everything to help him.

I can't imagine this will be a long term set back. If so, I talked to my mom about coming to help for a bit and my mother in law offered as well. We'll see how the next week goes before making any arrangements. I'm optimistic it will be short lived.

Until next time - kicking my feet up, drinking lots of water, trying to relax and being grateful for this little one growing day by day.

God bless!

Bedrest

March 11, 2016

Well, I guess this was my second day of bedrest. The good news is I've stopped bleeding entirely. My doctor did prepare me that it'd most likely happen again and there'd probably be cramping and clotting. For now though, I'm feeling good.

I feel sick every time I eat, but I was that way with my first pregnancy as well. A walk outside in the fresh air always helped, but for now, just have to suck it up. Totally fine with it. After everything, morning sickness and bedrest, not gonna complain.

My hubby is struggling a bit. Just with the "I need to work" stress - he travels out of town, but can't at least until I go back for a checkup and we are able to game plan. The reality is though, he was job hunting in town this week anyway, so while our son was at daycare he was able to turn in a few applications. It would be an answer to our prayers for him to get in town employment! For me, I work from home on the computer, so I can still work.

I had to let my agency know about the pregnancy and bedrest. I was hoping to hold off until I was undeniably showing this time because auditions disappear when they know, but out of decency, I let them know what was up. I don't want them pitching me for roles that I can't legitimately go out and audition for. I think if this rectifies soon and I can get back in the game for a month or two before I'm really showing they will still submit me. Maybe...fingers crossed.

My husband is also struggling because I think he's realizing how much of the day to day stuff I typically did. Having to do it all is kind of a rude awakening. All in all, he's handling it really well. Our son is understanding mommy needs to rest and to be careful climbing around me so baby is ok. He gave my belly a kiss goodnight. My husband's been a good sport to carry me up and down the stairs so I can shower. This will be my first night back in my bed and I cannot wait.

I'm trying to let go of the I need to do everything guilt. A friend of ours ran to Costco today and I had her pick us up several of their prepared meals to just pop in the oven. My we need to eat everything healthy attitude is a bit to the wayside right now. As much as I want healthy food, the reality is we need food on the table and I can't prepare it. If this is long term, we'll try and figure something out, but for now, prepared meals it is. It was a pizza night for dinner. I had no complaints.

Other than that, not much to update. I go back in Tuesday for an ultrasound and monitoring. Have a wonderful weekend!

God Bless!

1dp5dt

Feb. 17, 2016

Well, one day down. Almost. Feeling good. Having really bad cramps. I'm trying to remember last time if they were this bad. Since it was a negative last time, I assume it was either from the procedure or the embryo had implanted and just arrested. I'll never know. I DO know that today, I'm having really bad cramping. It started super low like little bursts and has just morphed into really bad menstrual like cramps all over. Just dull and achy. Whenever I get up, I just feel sore and like there is a lot of pressure.

Other than that, I feel good. I didn't do the whole bedrest thing this time. I took it easy yesterday and was a couch potato watching shows, but I refused to work to limit stress. It was nice! My son came and snuggled with me before bed and I read him stories on the couch. I slept downstairs as well. I did want to avoid the stairs the first day - maybe a silly precaution, but that was one thing my RE was rather adamant about and I didn't want those "what if" feelings. I will admit it was nice to sleep without my son waking me. Fell to dad last night ;) Hm...maybe I need another night without the stairs, eh?

Last night it was very sweet. My husband pulled out the photo of the embryo at dinner and explained to our son that we called it a "snowflake" and it was tiny tiny and hopefully someday would be a baby. We explained it was in mommy's tummy and mommy couldn't pick him up for a little bit. After dinner, when we were on the couch, he lifted up my shirt and laid his head on my tummy. He kissed it. Melts my heart. I hope that little guy / gal in there is snuggling in deep. He / she has an amazing big brother waiting for them.

This morning, my son came down to wake me and we snuggled and watched cartoons and I got him ready. My husband dropped him at school, but I'm picking him up tonight. I've just been working from the couch today making sure to get up every few hours to get the blood pumping.

I started the Lovenox last night. Not too bad. I will say it stings to push that needle in, but it does to the rear as well. The Lovenox goes into your fat in your stomach. You have to basically squish it up and stab it in there. I think it actually stings more because you are watching it go in and have to give it a good shove. It did bruise a tiny bit - it just looks like a blood blister. It bled more than the intramuscular ones in my butt. I'm thinking the nurse was right and I'll have to move to my legs at some point. I'll have to take a photo later into this process. My stomach will be riddled with bruised dots. lol

An amazing thing yesterday. We received an anonymous donation. It came with a beautiful hand written note. Someone's uncle had passed away. They decided to give us a portion of the estate he left as he'd have wanted to gift it to a couple seeking the adoption process. They commented how he may not have understood this method, but getting with the times and all... lol. It was neat to hear about his life and his quirky personality. I've saved it to put in a memory box for our little Snowflake. We've so many things to share with him or her when they are older about how wanted they are, how blessed we are to have them in our family.

It was really neat to get and my husband and myself continuously find ourselves thanking God and amazing at how blessed we've been. A month ago, I remember crying and not knowing how we would do all this. I honestly made a decision one day to lay it at God's feet and found peace. I will never stop being amazed at how God works. There is no problem to big or too small.

Well, gearing up for my next shot and keeping my feet up and warm while I finish out the work day and can go get my son.

God bless!

4dp5dt

Nov. 20, 2015

Well, here I am. I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty peaceful, but very, very aware I should know something in a few days.

I totally got in my head if my POF would give a false pregnancy test, so I did test this morning. I know it was too early for a positive, but I just needed to see that stark white test to know I wouldn't get a false one. After two years of seeing a line...I cannot even stomach a false positive test after transfer. And, it was white. Thank God! NOW, the next one I'm hoping shows a line!!!

When I'll test, I've no idea. I know some women start seeing super super faint positives at 5dp5dt, but I don't know if I want to wait until I'd see a darker line. We shall see.

I will say, it's funny how when you are acutely aware of every potential sign and symptom they can manifest. Yesterday my husband put on White Angelica essential oil in our bedroom and down the hall in the office I smelled it immediately. This morning, I went to take my son to school and walked out and could smell instantly the fast food restaurants cooking breakfast. Burger King and Subway are a few blocks away.

Like a moron, I keep squeezing my boobs. I'm sure if my neighbors walked by the window they'd think I was a regular oddball, but my nipples are a bit sensitive.

All this I know is probably more progesterone induced than anything, but I see why people go absolutely bonkers in the two week wait.

My butt is feeling so so much better now that I am moving around and walking. The shot last night for some reason HURT! I don't know if he hit a nerve or a vein, but yowzers! It's funny how some nights it's completely fine and others, yikes!

Well, back to work. Keep growing and digging in, baby!

God bless!

PUPO

Nov. 16, 2015

We are PUPO!!! Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!!

The last few days were, I admit, a bit stressful and probably a bit hormonal and emotional on my part. I know my body is just rampant with hormones and to be honest, my butt is incredibly sore. The PIO injections are a little painful to do, but tolerable. It's the next day that is really killer. I think the left side is the worst because I'm not ambidextrous. Inserting it is ok, but when I pull back to check for blood I think I jostle the needle a bit too much causing bruising. With everything building up...it was a tense weekend.

Saturday I did acupuncture so they put the "hold" acupuncture on me :) They told me to finish my herbs, which I completed that night and they'd wait until I found out if (when!) I'm pregnant to adjust. They told me it is fine to take while pregnant and they are nourishing herbs to energize and strengthen me. I'm praying on that. I feel funny taking anything when pregnant. I'm hoping my body kicks in on it's own.

Sunday I went in for a massage which was glorious. Trying to explain to the masseuse why I had two large black circles drawn on my butt was interesting with her jilted English. She may have caught the grasp of what I was saying. If not, I'm sure she's seen crazier things.

Sunday night was a flurry of getting everything ready for my son and packing. We decided I'd stay at my friend's house overnight this evening and during the day tomorrow so I could get some proper rest. After my shower, it'd been raining and chilly so my husband suggested I put on my fleece pjs. I grabbed them without thinking and was wrestling with my son when I caught a glimpse of them...snowflakes!!! What a good omen. Frozen embryos are nicknamed "snowflakes" because they are frozen and each one is unique. It brought a tear to my eye!

This morning was a madhouse getting everyone out the door on time, and in fact we were late. I was soooo stressed. We made it to the clinic with one minute, that's right ONE MINUTE to spare until my OR prep. My husband dropped me at the door and I ran in while he parked. They called me back just as he walked into the waiting room.

Our transfer room was remarkably calming though. Dim lights. Relaxing music. I'd been instructed to have a full bladder and boy did I ever! The nurse told me to undress from the waist down and they'd be in to check my bladder. About five minutes later, she came in, fired up the u/s and said "wow! yes, full bladder!" So, off she and her assistant went to get the doctor. My husband and I took a moment to hole each other's hand and saw a quick prayer.

When he came in about ten fifteen minutes later he brought this beautiful photo of our little embryo! The mass on the right is our embryo. The circle to the left is it's shell. It was almost completely hatched and it's cells looked great.

He said it was PERFECT! He was thrilled with how our little bugger thawed. He gave me a big hug and answered some last minute questions.

He said it was a hatching 5AA embryo and beautiful quality!! We are so thrilled. We worried about degrading quality and instead got one awesome little snowflake to transfer!

He got me all set in the saddle (no modesty here folks) and showed us on the screen my uterus. I had a cm lining so it grew since my last appointment by almost a whole mm. He said it was a great lining and offered a cushy spot for our wee one. Once we were all set, they sent word to bring in the embryo.

A nurse came in with a long tube and cover and he inserted it into the catheter and showed us as our little babe was placed in my uterus and my hubby and I held hands and smiled in wonder. There was a gentle little flash of white. They then took the tube back to the lab to verify the embryo wasn't stuck in the tube. And that was it!

Our doctor told me to lay flat for about ten minutes, then go empty by bladder and come back for about 20 minutes to just let things settle in. They brought me a nice heated blanket and turned off the air since it was a bit chilly in there. I felt pampered.

Our doctor was wonderful. He was so warm and my husband commented how it was so nice to feel included. He looked to my husband, ensured we both saw what was going on, on the monitor. Such a warm man.

We snapped a photo (I scribbled out the office and names) and we were on our way. We had a little lunch date and he left me to nap and rest at my friends who was so cute to set out food, remotes, blankets. I'm being taken well care of.

During all of this, it's been incredibly touching and humbling. A mother's group I'm in was pulling for me and there were so many words of prayer, support, well wishes and baby dust being sent my way. An embryo group I'm in, I posted a photo of us PUPO and within hours there were almost 100 likes and so many words of encouragement. I know we live in a society nowadays where the internet can have such a bad connotation, but for journeys like this, those communities are so strong and encouraging. For something that started as isolating and desolate for us, we've found friendships and unconditional support...many of those relationships that we've taken into real life with phone calls, texts and in face meet ups. God has such an amazing way of working.

A month or so ago when my in-laws were visiting I found a medallion on my dresser when they left. It was of St. Gerard, who is the patron saint of fertility. They aren't Catholic so I was surprised...but I was raised Catholic and always still consider myself part Catholic even though my husband and I attend a Presbyterian Church. It also had special meaning to me because my dad's middle name is Gerard. I've been carrying this little medal with me to every fertility appointment and it came with us today. Ever since learning the Hail Mary when I was younger, I feel power when reaching out to Saints. I remember my mom praying to St. Joseph when they were selling my grandma's house. They buried the statue in the ground.

 So, for now, I rest, pray and wait. Our Beta is November 30. I know I'll cheat and test sooner, but I don't know when. My son's birthday is Sunday 6dp5dt (6 days past 5 day transfer) so I may be able to get a glimmer of a positive, but it's still early and I don't want to get bummed over a false negative or a real negative. I want it to be my son's happy day!

I'll keep you posted. And for everyone out there, it is National Embryo Adoption Awareness Day on November 25th!!! Get the word out what a blessing this is. So many couples who have done IVF are unaware donating their embryos is an option. What a tremendous gift to so many waiting families and what a beautiful thing to give your babes on ice a chance at life.

If I could ask anyone out there reading to offer a prayer or send a sticky baby vibe our way, I'm so grateful for it.

God bless you!! Always!

Renewed Hope

Dec. 7, 2014

I love the Christmas season! What a wonderful weekend. My son and I were busy crafting and playing yesterday and today was full of church, Christmas festivities and a kid's concert and church and meal. During the service, we were studying Luke and the story of the angel Gabriel visiting Mary to tell her that she would conceive Jesus. In that story, is the story of Elisabeth (Luke 1:7-1:24) who was barren and advanced in age, but became pregnant with John the Baptist. I started tearing up a bit because again, as the bible says 

"Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.: Deuteronomy 7:14

Heck, if God can give a baby to a virgin, he sure can make my ovaries squeeze out an egg, am I right?

It gives me renewed hope.

Yesterday was back to my TCM. I felt really bad because her father had passed away. I hugged her as she arrived and she began tearing up.

She felt my pulses and was pleased they were feeling stronger. According to my tongue, she could see I still had a touch of my cold. I'd stopped my herbs at the onset, so I still had a lot left. She too looked at my chart and saw a clear ovulation pattern. The problem is, now, I'm starting to doubt if it was ovulation, or perhaps slightly elevated temperatures from when I was sick. If the temps do indicate ovulation, it shows my period should be coming with the temp drop (most likely.) However, I still think it's weird I've had all fertile sings in every other area (cm, cervix position, OPKs) so I'm really not convinced I ovulated, despite the beautiful chart.

Pretty picture perfect, right? It would show a normal length LP phase (although, even if this "is" an accurate chart, I'm still thinking my actual ovulation date would be CD17) a pretty normal ovulation date, good raise of temp indicating good progesterone... We'll see. 

At my session she told me to drink more water. I drink an insane amount already, but alrighty, I'll keep on. She also told me I could begin my herbs again. During acupuncture she put a new needle in and when I asked what it was for she told me my cough. I still had a lingering tickle. During my whole session, not one cough. Pretty amazing.

And it was PAINFUL with a all capitals. Youch! The ones on my reproductive organs were insanely painful, especially my left ovary. It was a take my breath away poke! My legs and feet were also incredibly sensitive. She remarked I was extra sensitive today. Was I ever! It was kind of nice though, she let me lay there for a full hour, so I got to unwind and relax. It's been hectic, so I treasured the extra time.

I was a bit worried my cold would make me go backwards in treatment, which my body seems to do when anything is haywire, but she said I'm still gradually improving, to just keep what I'm doing.

Last night, oddly enough, I had a dream I had twins. It was a long dream figuring out how to nurse them both, but that's my practical mind at work ;) 

I will say, I've felt kind of "icky" the last few days because I've felt extremely bloated. My pants feel tight (and no it wasn't Thanksgiving catching up on me!!) and I got a few pimples, which is a first for a long time. My thought is, although as ucky as it makes me feel, it's hormones at work. Sooooo, my body making hormones equals good things.

For now, I'm just trying to focus on the holidays and treasure my family time. The reality is, no sense paying too much attention to my chart or cycle because I can't "change" it. I can just keep healthy and keep plugging along. I'm feeling great. Sleeping well. I've been focused, in good spirits and don't have any "symptoms" so I'm thankful.

God bless!

Embryo Adoption Awareness Day

Nov. 25, 2014

Happy Embryo Adoption Awareness Day!!! Did you know about it before my blog? If so, you were leaps and bounds ahead of myself. I only became aware this was an option about a month ago. I'm still struggling with if this will be our path as I feel deep rooted in my soul my body is healing and my bio baby is coming soon (say that with that deep voice from the movie previews...)

I do however think it's important to get the message out that Embryo Adoption is a beautiful, affordable choice that gives beautiful snowflakes a chance at life! I also think it's important that people who have embies on ice know there are options other than just letting them sit freezing for decades or be thawed and disposed of. So many people that have undergone IVF know the struggles of fertility and every single embryo or egg harvested is a precious life in their eyes created through a harrowing journey of often blood, sweat and tears.

Our friends who have five embryos was telling me the other day she doesn't know what to do and doesn't want to just donate them because it'd sicken her not knowing what kind of family they had. I told her about embryo adoption and she was astounded. She could choose the family her babes went to. She could even have the choice to keep in touch, or end the relationship there knowing her babies went to families with similar ideals.

A very cool option for the donor and the adoptee. So, take a moment to learn more about it. You can adopt, and still experience a pregnancy, delivery and nursing your baby.

I saw this link to a snowflake necklace and thought if I ever do decide to go this route, I will wear something like this in honor of our miracle, and to raise awareness so others can learn what a cool option this is.

In other news, two blazing OPKs. One yesterday and one this morning. The timing is right for that of a "normal" cycle if my body follows through. All other sings point to fertile too. CD15 here! Fingers crossed. We had our first son on Thanksgiving, so maybe this little one will have a little Turkey Day story in him or her too.

God Bless!

Possible Chemical Pregnancy

May 31, 2014

Well, the good news, I finally got a BFP. The bad, I started spotting within hours and bleeding shortly after that. I'm trying to look at the optimistic side of this. I can conceive. Whether it was egg health, poor endometrial lining, low progesterone, etc that prevented the pregnancy from "taking" I don't know. BUT, and the big BUT is, it's a step in the right direction.

I know the naysayers will say it may be the POF elevating HCG hormones, but remember, the last time, I had no endometrial lining, had not ovulated, my hormones were preventing me from ovulation and the thing that led to diagnosis was that I never did bleed.

Five months ago, I started treatment with the dismal diagnosis that I would never ovulate nor conceive. Three and a half months ago, I ovulated. Each month my LP got longer. This month, I conceived.

It was a pitiful faint line and I didn't even tell my husband because I wanted to make sure it darkened tomorrow (remember, a faint positive led to my diagnosis of POF) but when I started spotting I told him right away. I told him to not get too excited because I was spotting and my temp had dropped today, but I did get a positive pregnancy test. I said it was good news really...my body was obviously getting stronger, my eggs healthier...for whatever reason it didn't take, but we knew it COULD in the future.

I tested ridiculously early because we didn't know my actual ovulation date this month. I was either 8 days or 10-11, but I decided to test today because I'm taking herbs and wanted to discontinue at the first sight of a line.

I just called my TCM. They also agree it was most likely a chemical pregnancy, but actually seemed very happy at the news. They told me to reduce my herbs, but keep taking them. In the off chance it is a viable pregnancy, the herbs will support my system until we get a more strong positive. I am to call them with any change.

This journey is definitely a rollercoaster, but it has certainly humbled me. I said a long prayer and have put my trust in God. I have prayed for a HEALTHY pregnancy and HEALTHY baby, so if this was not a healthy egg, God and natural selection know. On the off chance it is implantation or hormone fluctuations, we will know soon enough.

For now, I am at peace knowing my body is healing. It's come SO LONG! The fact I was able to conceive defied all odds and I KNOW I will be able to conceive and go on to have a healthy baby. I know and trust.

God Bless.

Kicking the Cold and Determining O

May 27, 2014

I hope everyone had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend. To all the soldiers who have lost their lives and to their families, my heartfelt thank you. I cannot imagine that sacrifice.

Well, my TCM confirmed Saturday that I ovulated. Which day, we aren't entirely sure. We're waiting to see the charting pattern overall once AF arrives. According to the FAM method (Fertility Awareness Method that states three high temps after six lower you ovulated) it was last Sunday. If you base it solely on the OPK it was anywhere from Weds-Friday... Fertility Friend placed it at CD16 on Friday, but I know that isn't accurate because my cervical mucus and cervix weren't fertile. All my previous cycles I had those signs at least through ovulation and sometimes extending into the next day.

My gut tells me it was either CD13 or CD14. I typically ovulate just before I can read an OPK (I know not the norm, but I only can catch a surge in the morning, so if it began the day before when my urine was too diluted, I can't read it until the next morning) or the day of a positive OPK. I wouldn't care so much which day it was except we are working so hard on extending the LP. Ah well. I'll just rejoice I ovulated again and concern myself with that further on down the road.

So basically I'm either 9DPO, 6-7 DPO or a mere 4 DPO (which I don't believe for a chance.)

My visit with my TCM on Saturday was great. Although I have a cold (which yes, they were able to detect through my pulse, and they knew it was in my sinuses without my telling them) my pulse was still stronger than last time. Dare I say, very good :) Yahoo! How did they know about the cold? They said my pulse was floating and rapid. Interesting, huh?

Depending on when I start menstruating, they think we will begin acupuncture again next visit. I inquired more and they said four visits to get my blood flowing really well to my reproductive organs and then three sessions to "prepare for pregnancy." So, seven total. They will be weekly, however since I'm planning a three week vacation at the end of June, I'll ask if they prefer we wait to start acupuncture until I get home.

I did ask if I were to conceive before the sessions were done if it'd be detrimental to the baby or increase my chance of miscarriage, and they said no. If I were to get pregnant, that means my body is strong and ready to carry a baby, so they'd just discontinue my treatments. IF there were any problems during the pregnancy, call them and we'd address if acupuncture can help.

My last pregnancy I had low amniotic fluid and was monitored very closely my last four weeks of pregnancy. I have to remember next visit to ask them about this and if there is anything I can do to help prepare my body to avoid that, or if it were to occur next time, if there is anything they can do to address that problem.

They did give me two separate batches of herbs while I was there. One week to address my cold and the second week back to fertility. I asked why and he explained that the herbs they use for fertility are to nourish me, so if I took them while I was sick, I would be nourishing the virus too, extending how long I am sick. I never thought of it that way before. The taste is definitely different in the "cold blend." I will say, it really kicked my cold's butt though. It's Tuesday and I feel good as new. Typically, I'm prone to sinus infection and once it sets in, it's tough to kick it, so I was pleasantly surprised by that.

I'll keep you posted. For now, I'm three for three. Not bad for the woman who they told had dead ovaries ;)

Find YOUR Happiness

April 5, 2014

Well, I’m 13 days past when Fertility Friend says I ovulated. 12 days past my positive OPK. So…if I DID ovulate, anywhere from 11-13 days past ovulation, or DPO in the TTC (trying to conceive) world. Negative pregnancy test. Well, I “think” I saw a slight tinge of a line, but realistically, it’s probably my mind playing tricks on me. And, after my false positives, until I see the line progression as it gets darker, I won’t get too excited. I am excited to see that my temps stayed above cover line though. Fingers crossed.

I’m feeling a bit discouraged this morning by negativity in the POF community. Someone in one of the support groups vented about hating seeing people post pregnancy stuff on FaceBook and someone replied that they’ve deleted and lost countless friends from posting too much about pregnancy. Come on ladies!! 

Let’s throw that negativity out. Yes, we all have the right to get hurt, discouraged, fed up, etc, but the key is to feel and process those feelings and then rise above it. Faulting someone else for their happiness is silly.

Can you imagine, if you deleted all your friends in relationships if you were single? Friends that ran marathons if you were paraplegic? Friends that were chefs or foodies if you were diabetic? You’d have none left. It can get obsessive making everyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells, handle you with kid gloves or hide parts of their lives and happiness from you.

The realistic approach is EVERYONE has their own trials and tribulations. Ours may be infertility and it sucks. BIG TIME! But, there are people dealing with cancer, death of loved ones, debt, depression, abuse, etc. We just don’t know what lies in people’s hearts or in their paths. Instead of faulting people who are celebrating their pregnancies or babies, let’s rejoice with them and hope and pray that we may follow in their footsteps, sooner than later. And, if you can’t do it, just “hide” their posts. Losing friends over our own internal struggle with acceptance, or, in our case, PATH to fertility and healing is silly and selfish. Life is too short to dwell on that.

I wrote a few weeks ago about the tinge of sadness I had over a friend’s pregnancy announcement. It was short lived, and wasn’t the pregnancy itself, but the eerie coincidence of it all. If I’d let myself mull over that, I’d be surrounded by negativity. That’s NOT healthy. And, it’s not Christian. Since then, a few other friends have announced their impending bundle of joy and I can honestly say I was elated with every single one. I guess until that woman posted in that support group about “deleting friends” as they got pregnant or rejoiced in their pregnancy, it never even occurred to me how many women feel that way.

Perhaps it is different for me because I DO have a healthy baby. Perhaps I am naïve. But, I know my “loss” was real when I heard the doctor diagnose me. BUT, I refuse to accept that diagnosis. Only the Lord can see who is barren, and it says right in the bible no man or woman shall be. I trust he will honor his promise. For those of you that aren’t religious, take heart that, scientifically, our bodies were created to heal themselves.

Long post short. Rejoice with others as they rejoice. Let’s not let our own sorrows deflate others. We’re bigger than that. Allow yourself to feel sorrow and grieve, yes. However, find your own happiness. Focus on healing. Focus on health. Focus on less stress. Focus on what you LOVE.

God Bless.