NEGATIVE

Nov. 30, 2015

NEGATIVE.

I'd prepared myself, but what a blow. I honestly felt at peace yesterday, but I just feel raw all over again. I know there is no rational reason why this didn't work. Ya think I could quit going over it all in my head? Yeah, you'd think...

This morning I woke up early and drove all the way to Pasadena trying to dodge morning traffic and trudged up to the third floor. Sitting in the waiting room I really took a look around. All those people. All those desperate people. All they want is babies. I felt a kinship with them. It sucks.

I was called back and went to the lab and pulled my Sharps container that was filled to the brim out of my purse.

Exhibit A:

The nurse laughed with me saying how tough us women were. She was telling me about how her husband was whining he had a headache yesterday and all I she could think was "Yeah, I do to, and a back ache, and a pulled shoulder, and and and, but I still cleaned 30 windows and cooked dinner." We laughed. She said "Good luck" and I gave a half-hearted smile.

As I went to financial to check out, the receptionist gave me a HUGE smile and asked if I'd "cheated." I said "Yes, not good news, but still keeping hope alive." She said "You must." I asked her to give my coordinator a call and see if I could get a new Sharps container from her. You know...in case. If not, I'd need it next time anyways.

I asked her if negative the plan of attack and she said a January transfer, that he won't cycle me during the holidays in December. Fair enough. She said when she called after they reviewed my labs they'd have more concrete answers.

So, I sat. And sat. And sad. She finally called just after 3:30 and confirmed it was negative. She said I would get a period and to email her my first day and they'd tell me when to start birth control. I'm so irritated I have to go back on that, but they want a bleed before my January cycle.

So. Square one.

I told my husband last night I might interview a few TCM out my way. The one I go to is an hour each way and it just eats into my weekends. And, I'm not thrilled that they kept doing "bring back menstruation" acupuncture right up until the end instead of the last day when they changed it to "hold pregnancy." They'd been giving me the incorrect herbs until that point as well. I really want to see if someone out here fits and works out financially who will also do acupuncture right after transfer.

I did ask my coordinator on the phone if they can check my progesterone midcycle next time to ensure I was getting enough to hold a pregnancy. She said they typically don't, but they'd be happy to put the order in for me.

I was also reading about endometrial scratching and embryo glue. I figure, why not discuss all options with the doctor. I'll cover those more in another blog.

For now, I told my hubby to pick up champagne on this way home from the gym. Nothing to celebrate, but I didn't drink it in a mimosa on Thanksgiving Day just in case, and I've wanted it sense. Why the hell not, right?

My mom was suggesting I drink some high caloric drinks to gain weight before the next round. I told her nonsense. How ideal it's right after Christmas. I'll put my 5-7 lbs of holiday weight to good use.

So, huge bummer, but I'll just put on my big girl panties, dust myself off and we'll start this all over again in a month. Silver lining - no hideous shots tonight. I can barely walk today, so my ass will have time to recoup in the interim. Right?

God bless.

12dp5dt

Nov. 28, 2015

Thank you for all the kind words and inspirational stories. So many people messaged me to keep hope alive of stories of negative HPTs and positive betas. Thank you. I DO know it is possible and there will always be a shred of hope I carry with me. I'm just trying to prepare myself in case there is a negative outcome. And, if there is, we'll just dust ourselves off and move forward and try again.

I will admit taking those shots last night plain sucked. I'd lie to say I wasn't bitter doing it last night. I just kept telling myself if it IS negative I only have tonight and tomorrow night left...if it does turn out to be positive, I'll happily continue for as long as necessary.

My one friend who had offered to sell me the rest of her leftover meds which I was going to buy when I got my positive texted me last night they are mine for my next cycle. I was really touched she offered to give them to me. That'll take some burden off when we begin our next round.

We also took the plunge and have our fundraisers. I'm still not ok asking people for money publicly. I just have a very difficult time asking people in that capacity. Our Bravelets fundraiser is doing double donations this Tuesday Dec. 1. Instead of a $10 donation per item, it will be $20. Considering the bracelets start at $25 not a bad deal.

And we have our Equal Exchange fundraiser as well if people are buying Christmas gifts for others.

I believe everything will work out.

I spent the greater part of last night lying awake thinking of everything I possibly did wrong. My husband and myself had a lot of tense moments the day of the transfer and an argument before. My boss, who I told I would not be working for two days sent me a rather rude email criticizing my work and I did five hours of free work for her reviewing a claim I'd submitted. Was all that anger and negativity bad for the baby? Should I not have gone to that audition? Was it not eating the stupid pineapple right away? Not listening to my TCM who told me to wait until I was stronger (bear in mind they've been saying this for two years - when, seriously will I ever be...) Was it my being too light? I've gotten back down to under 100. Day of transfer I weight myself at my friends and I was 100 lbs 8 oz with jeans and a sweatshirt on.

Probably none of the above. I know this mentally. I did use my oils liberally last night for sleep and even resorted to melatonin. Thankfully my husband let me take a nap this morning and I crashed for an hour and a half.

I'm feeling better today and more optimistic. If my beta isn't positive (like I said, shred of hope) I'm interested to hear if I can do a cycle back to back. I posted the question in my EA support forum and most people were able to do so. With the Christmas holiday, I'm not sure if it will be feasible. I just really wanted to avoid having to do another round of birth control in between. Knowing I'd have a solid bleed and start from scratch sounded promising.

On the flip side, like my husband said, if I can't do a back to back cycle, I will live it up this holiday and enjoy some spirits. Probably not the best way to physically prepare my body, lol. But, I admire his attitude.

I also have it all playing in my head what in the world should I do with our healthcare. I have to pick a plan and I was hoping to pick a low deductible plan for pregnancy. However, if I'm not pregnant, continue on the cheaper plan with the high deductible. The options for Covered CA are pretty miserable. None are good. I'm sickened how much out of pocket costs there are. I know the whole Obamacare helped a lot of people - it just really hit us hard. It raised our co-pays, deductibles and out of pockets and our premiums went up considerably in the process. So many things to think about. I still don't know what we will do for healthcare next year. I have to decide if we'll pay the big bucks for a plan that will cover pregnancy not leaving us $10,000 in out of pocket. Or pay $1000 a month for a plan that will only leave us with co-pays and no deductible. The options for self employed are grim.

Anyway, thank you again for your sweet stories. I was amazed how many of you have little miracles running around from late low betas, or slow doublers that your clinics cautioned you with not being optimistic. Amazing how life finds a way.

Monday will tell us how we'll more forward, and regardless what that news is...move forward we will. Thanks for the love.

God bless!

11dp5dt - Looking like bad news

Nov. 27, 2015

Well, it's 11dp5dt. I broke down and tested. BFN

I actually peed in a cup yesterday but couldn't get the nerve. My intention was to test when I got home from our gatherings. I knew testing before was bad. I stared at that cup on my counter forever and dumped it right down the toilet. I told my husband if it was negative I wouldn't be able to give myself my shot last night. He told me to test whenever I was ready although I knew he was chomping at the bit.

I read a bit of Nerida's book last night "God's Plan for Pregnancy" and I happened to flip to a chapter and read a paragraph saying if you were fearful of testing, that didn't lie in faith. It felt like the answer I needed. The past several days I kept chanting to myself "My Faith is Stronger Than My Fear."

Right now, I feel a little lost. Not in my faith necessarily. I prayed before testing and told God that no matter what, I loved him, I'd never forsake him and stand by him, but please please please please please...

I won't say there is a reason for this. Honestly, that's crap. There isn't one. I'm upset and sad. Really upset. Really sad. My silver lining is my husband was incredibly supportive, even more than I thought he'd be. We both were hit hard by this. I honestly didn't know how he'd feel about doing another round and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "We're doing another round. We're transferring two and if God's wants us to have twins, we're having twins."

What really sucks about all this is, it's hard enough seeing that negative after everything we've been through. It's an absolute punch in the gut because so much of my anger, tears and panic lie in the fact, I've no idea how in the hell we're going to pay for this. We scrimped and saved to put something together for the first and are still paying it off. I've honestly no clue.

I made us cinnamon rolls for breakfast with my little helper. I'm pretty certain more cinnamon, sugar and butter found it's way into his mouth than the roll. Not nutritious in the least, but it's OUR Thanksgiving and it seemed like a delicious breakfast, so we ate our sorrows away.

Afterwards my husband suggested I go for a walk. He'd stay here with Reed. Before I left, he stopped me and said WE are a family. We're not going to let this rip us apart. We're going to chose to be grateful for what we have and have FAITH that we WILL get pregnant and have another child. We both vocalized part of the grief we feel is that financial strain. It just plain sucks. To lose that baby, or embryo, or whatever anyone wants to call it is just painful enough, but knowing if we had the money we could just dust off and try this again...but we can't. It ANGERS me!

I went for a long walk and cried like a freak. My neighbors probably thing I'm a nut job. I'd regain my composure and start all over again.

I know it's ridiculous and my head tells me better, but I feel like it's my fault. My body. Of my not doing enough bedrest. Or doing TOO much. Or not insisting my TCM do acupuncture or after. Or, my stupid body that doesn't cooperate or isn't fertile. Or or or. I know in reality it probably has nothing to do with me and was probably an embryo with chromosome issues, but I'll always have that playing in the back of my mind.

My heart hurts if that embryo WAS good and my stupid body wouldn't allow it to have the life it deserved.I just honestly feel broken all over again like when I was diagnosed. It's silly and I'm ashamed but I do feel like I've let my husband down and let my kid down. My son still walks around telling me there is a baby in his belly. In fact he woke up from a nap two days ago and when I asked how his nape was he told me "My baby woke me up. She kicked me in my belly." Our friends had a baby two days ago and I was explaining his friend is now a big brother and he told me he wants to be one. ugh.

Not my most upbeat post. I'm sorry. I'm just filled with anger and sadness and confusion right now. I'm just really struggling with how we can do this again financially. How I can do it emotionally. We kind of feel like we just want to do it right away. I don't know if I want to wait, do the whole birth control again. My body never really had a full of period after it. Maybe this time I can shed my whole lining and start fresh.

I text our family the news. I just really couldn't stomach having to call everyone. Everyone just said maybe it's too early. It's 11 days past transfer or the equivalent of 16 DPO, 17 really if it was indeed a 6 day embryo. I suppose there is always a chance there will be a beta on Monday, but I know the chance is minute. A few friends called and my mom did straight away. I could tell she was crying on the other end too.

I called the clinic to come in today and get it over with, but they are closed. The thought of taking these meds and the shots especially for three more days just makes me want to vomit. My butt is sore beyond belief and I can't find a position to sleep at night. Doing it knowing there could be a baby made it bearable. Now, it just seems stupid. I'll continue on the chance there is a late implanter, but...

And, damnit, I'm having a small glass of wine with dinner. If I'm making this whole Thanksgiving dinner and there was a negative test, I'm having a drink.

Well, I typically try and keep my posts upbeat, but there ya have it. I'm a bitter, depressed mess right now. I haven't answered anyone's texts and I don't know when I intend to.

I'm so grateful and thankful for my husband and son. I swooped my little guy up for a proper snuggle straight away. I haven't been able to pick up my little guy and it felt good to carry my little koala around for a bit.

I can't stomach this is a reason for this, but the only silver lining I see was this last transfer was filled with so much tension between my husband and I. If it took this stupid experience for us to have more patience with each other and support, than I suppose that is best for our family and each other long term. That's all I got right now...

God bless!

9dp5dt

Nov. 25, 2015

Happy National Embryo Adoption Awareness Day!!!! To all the snowflakes out there - what a blessing you are!

Well, feeling pretty good. I had a bit more cramping yesterday and a bit of breast tenderness and I've been tired, but trying not to let those get me excited. I'm well aware the progesterone I'm taking could be responsible.

After dropping off my son I went for a tiny walk before work this morning and put in my headphones. On my iPod Bob Marley's "Every little thing gonna be alright" was playing. It had particular meaning because a friend who transferred a few weeks before me kept referring to our embryos as our "One Loves" and told me to play Bob Marley the day of transfer. It made me smile.

I got our turkey yesterday. 19.89 lbs. I had to laugh. I stuck under the 20 lb lifting rule...barely. Trying to Thanksgiving shop with a three year old on one of the busiest grocery shopping days of the year - I deserve an award. He actually did really well. Only a few times did he end up running too far ahead. I did end up with a cookie mix and about twelve bags of marshmallows in my cart that I didn't expect. Can't blame a kid for trying :)

Tomorrow we're celebrating with some friends for breakfast and our pastor invited us over for lunch. My husband is working, so it's little man and I. I'll cook up our feast on Friday. We like to decorate after so it'll be a nice evening.

I'm getting very aware I'm going to have to cave soon and test. lol Today is National Embryo Adoption Awareness Day and my son was born three years ago on Thanksgiving. Both could give a positive extra special meaning. We'll see.

God Bless!

8dp5dt

Nov. 24, 2015

Well, day 8 here. And NO, I haven't tested since day 5. lol I'm getting texts, calls, messages. We've such a great support network. I think I'm driving everyone mad. But, way too much riding on this for me. I just have no desire to test yet. I pray multiple times a day for God to just reveal the time I should. I know that sounds silly to some people, but I just need to be in a peaceful place.

Yesterday I did however start cramping again. After not having symptoms for four days, it was actually a welcome sign. I'm not sure what cramps mean that far after transfer - good or bad, but to feel like "something" was going on felt good.

When I dropped my son to school I kept getting little shooting pains on my lower left side or my uterus area. They'd come and go, but it got to feel more crampy throughout the day.

I had a lot of fun. I was able to go in for my son's lunch time yesterday to hang with him and bring his birthday treats for class. He was so proud to have me there. He warms my heart so. He did raise his shirt halfway through lunch and scream across the classroom "Mommy, my baby's in my belly." I've a feeling his teachers will know RIGHT away about this pregnancy :)

I hit a vein for the first time last night. I was giving the shot to myself and I did the little pullback trick and everything. I didn't really see blood, but when I removed the needle, it POURED out of me. Argh. I hope some of the meds got in me. I DID see blood in the syringe when I pulled it out. Oops. I guess I need to pull back further to draw the blood farther to see? Well, learn as I go I suppose.

It's a Tuesday, so my son is home from school - he only goes to preschool M/W/F so we're going to head to the park. I suppose I should go to the store this morning and get some Thanksgiving stuff - YIKES Thanksgiving snuck up! Thankfully I'm not cooking for our family until Friday so that baby will have time to thaw. I told my husband I'm not certain how I'm suppose to lift the turkey since it's over my "required" weight limit, but I'm sure I'll be fine.

I'm not sure how much I buy that don't lift anything anyways. I get right after transfer, but the reality is women have been lifting stuff from the beginning of time. I know pregnancy makes ligaments looser and women more prone to injury, but I've found nothing in my research how it can hurt a baby or prevent implantation. I'm trying to listen to my doctor and not lift though. My son is getting much better at understanding I can't lift him. We just do extra snuggling on the couch and floor.

Well, wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I'm sure I'll update again before then.

God bless!

6dp5dt

Nov. 22, 2015

Today was my son's birthday and I couldn't help feeling blessed from the moment I woke. What a blessing he is. I've so much to be thankful for!

Yesterday, I tested to a negative and had a complete breakdown. I mean ugly sob, breakdown. I completely freaked. I know that's silly. I know it was early. I know. But, wow! I had to go for a walk to try and regroup. Only to walk in the house and go upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom and cry again. My friend told me to get FRER as she thought they'd be better than Wondfos. I'm not convinced as both gave me the false positives prior, but I picked up a few.

Last night, I looked in my basket of books on the floor and was drawn to Nerida Walker's book "God's Plan for Pregnancy." It spoke about not relying on signs, symptoms or the natural and placing your faith in God. This whole journey my faith has been there and I was really ashamed I was so unsettled by that yesterday.

This morning, I decided not to test. I wanted my focus, my love and my gratitude to be centered on my son. When I'll test again, I honestly don't know.

I did however lose it at church - big cry. Our pastor, who ran a adoption / foster home was talking about a specific five year old child and to hear the abuse this child faced...I broke down. My husband left the sanctuary to get me a kleenex. It sickens me people who are so cruel to children can get pregnant so easily. It sickens me any child could be treated that way.

I don't have any real "symptoms" but thinking back, I don't think I had any with Reed this early either.

Boy, this whole fertility stuff is a real mind trip...

God bless!

4dp5dt

Nov. 20, 2015

Well, here I am. I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty peaceful, but very, very aware I should know something in a few days.

I totally got in my head if my POF would give a false pregnancy test, so I did test this morning. I know it was too early for a positive, but I just needed to see that stark white test to know I wouldn't get a false one. After two years of seeing a line...I cannot even stomach a false positive test after transfer. And, it was white. Thank God! NOW, the next one I'm hoping shows a line!!!

When I'll test, I've no idea. I know some women start seeing super super faint positives at 5dp5dt, but I don't know if I want to wait until I'd see a darker line. We shall see.

I will say, it's funny how when you are acutely aware of every potential sign and symptom they can manifest. Yesterday my husband put on White Angelica essential oil in our bedroom and down the hall in the office I smelled it immediately. This morning, I went to take my son to school and walked out and could smell instantly the fast food restaurants cooking breakfast. Burger King and Subway are a few blocks away.

Like a moron, I keep squeezing my boobs. I'm sure if my neighbors walked by the window they'd think I was a regular oddball, but my nipples are a bit sensitive.

All this I know is probably more progesterone induced than anything, but I see why people go absolutely bonkers in the two week wait.

My butt is feeling so so much better now that I am moving around and walking. The shot last night for some reason HURT! I don't know if he hit a nerve or a vein, but yowzers! It's funny how some nights it's completely fine and others, yikes!

Well, back to work. Keep growing and digging in, baby!

God bless!

3dp5dt

Nov. 29, 2015

Yeah, so my "I can totally wait" mentality is slowly, er quickly flying out the window. I woke up cramp free which of course sent my mind into worried overdrive. I'm being ridiculous. I went for a nice walk to try and regroup. 11 more days until beta. That is just a cruel wait. Why oh why isn't my clinic a 9 day rule like most?!? Breeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaathe! One day at a time. I keep going over in my head. I've the perfect lining. I've the perfect embryo. I've been pregnant before under NON ideal circumstances. It's all in God's hands.

I'm sure I'll be repeating all of the above about 2847 more times today.

Which brings me to...I forgot to mention. My favorite number is 47. My friend's apartment was 407. Pretty cool :)

Well, excuse me while I head off to snack on pineapple core and Brazil nuts. Not superstitious at all am I?

Pray for peace for me. Pray for success!

God Bless!

2dp5dt

Nov. 18, 2015

Well, two days in. Yesterday and today have been very, very crampy. I'm optomistic it's the wee one settling in for the long haul.

Monday, I did pretty good with the whole bed rest thing. I wasn't overly strict, but was a good couch potato. My friend got home around 8:30 that night and cooked dinner. I sat on a chair with my feet up on another chair in the kitchen and chatted with her. She was also a good sport and did my shots since it was in the left cheek. She was AWESOME! Very gentle. Barely left a mark.

I will say, bed rest and PIO shots are a pretty awful combo. What I've found makes the shots tolerable is moving around. So lying all day or lounging just makes the muscles hurt more. It's like when you work out and don't stretch. Whenever I did get up, I felt like an 80 year old woman waddling around. So, so tender.

Last night, I ended up getting an audition. I should have figured I would. Whenever I leave town or have a conflict, the calls come in. Since it wasn't until 6:15 in the evening I decided to go. The doctor had told me I could actually return to work that day since I sit behind a computer (little did he know I work from home so I'd be there anyway) so I figured going to an audition and walking that little bit wouldn't be bad. I can't help but think a little blood flow to the uterus helps anyways.

It was on the back lot at Universal and I was able to park super close to the trailer. I will say however it was not my finest moment as an actor. Super easy role. HOWEVER, I was so paranoid about my husband getting me from my friends, getting home to change, drive there, etc I gave the sides a once over and totally ignored the breakdown (a description of the character.) I've lived here 15 years and NEVER done that! Ever! I'm the epitome of professional and prepared. So, I drive all the way to town in rush hour on my day of bed rest (I was being a couch potato in my car...right?? Made sense to me) and pull into the studio, find a parking spot and turn on my phone to review the sides one last time and notice the breakdown. OOPS! I was wearing a completely inappropriate outfit.

Sh*t! I about had a panic attack in the car. I basically summoned all my "get your sh*t together" attitude, walked into the trailer restroom, tried to make things work with my hair and basically had the "just do what you came here to do pep talk." Long story short. I did the role well. This is the fourth time I've been in for this show. Casting knows me well and the whole way home I just had to keep repeating to myself she obviously likes my work. If I lose this role because I wore my damn sneakers instead of heels (which I had on and CHANGED by the way because I remembered my TCM told me to keep my feet warm and it was cold out) then I'd hope she'll continue calling me in until the role is right. I'm still irritated with myself over it. I'm always on my game when it comes to that. I totally dropped the ball.

I was able to get home in time for my son's bedtime. My husband was very sweet and carried me up the stairs so I could read him some stories before bed. My son, thought it was hilarious!

Today, my 48 hr bed rest was up, but my husband still insisted on carrying me down the stairs this morning. Once we surpassed the true 48 hrs since procedure I did climb them myself. This evening I took a super short walk to the store and it felt glorious. Tomorrow I will resume my daily walks. It really helps my tush feel better like I said before. Sitting around just makes me hurt.

I'm feeling really good about things. The cramps I feel are a good sign. I am incredibly tired. I know it's too early to be a pregnancy sign, but I think all the progesterone I'm taking is making me drag. Well, that and I'm sure the sitting around is just making me feel lazy and tired too.

My husband was saying I should test already and I had to explain it was WAY too early. I think he's just excited. Me too. Praying praying praying....

God Bless

PUPO

Nov. 16, 2015

We are PUPO!!! Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!!

The last few days were, I admit, a bit stressful and probably a bit hormonal and emotional on my part. I know my body is just rampant with hormones and to be honest, my butt is incredibly sore. The PIO injections are a little painful to do, but tolerable. It's the next day that is really killer. I think the left side is the worst because I'm not ambidextrous. Inserting it is ok, but when I pull back to check for blood I think I jostle the needle a bit too much causing bruising. With everything building up...it was a tense weekend.

Saturday I did acupuncture so they put the "hold" acupuncture on me :) They told me to finish my herbs, which I completed that night and they'd wait until I found out if (when!) I'm pregnant to adjust. They told me it is fine to take while pregnant and they are nourishing herbs to energize and strengthen me. I'm praying on that. I feel funny taking anything when pregnant. I'm hoping my body kicks in on it's own.

Sunday I went in for a massage which was glorious. Trying to explain to the masseuse why I had two large black circles drawn on my butt was interesting with her jilted English. She may have caught the grasp of what I was saying. If not, I'm sure she's seen crazier things.

Sunday night was a flurry of getting everything ready for my son and packing. We decided I'd stay at my friend's house overnight this evening and during the day tomorrow so I could get some proper rest. After my shower, it'd been raining and chilly so my husband suggested I put on my fleece pjs. I grabbed them without thinking and was wrestling with my son when I caught a glimpse of them...snowflakes!!! What a good omen. Frozen embryos are nicknamed "snowflakes" because they are frozen and each one is unique. It brought a tear to my eye!

This morning was a madhouse getting everyone out the door on time, and in fact we were late. I was soooo stressed. We made it to the clinic with one minute, that's right ONE MINUTE to spare until my OR prep. My husband dropped me at the door and I ran in while he parked. They called me back just as he walked into the waiting room.

Our transfer room was remarkably calming though. Dim lights. Relaxing music. I'd been instructed to have a full bladder and boy did I ever! The nurse told me to undress from the waist down and they'd be in to check my bladder. About five minutes later, she came in, fired up the u/s and said "wow! yes, full bladder!" So, off she and her assistant went to get the doctor. My husband and I took a moment to hole each other's hand and saw a quick prayer.

When he came in about ten fifteen minutes later he brought this beautiful photo of our little embryo! The mass on the right is our embryo. The circle to the left is it's shell. It was almost completely hatched and it's cells looked great.

He said it was PERFECT! He was thrilled with how our little bugger thawed. He gave me a big hug and answered some last minute questions.

He said it was a hatching 5AA embryo and beautiful quality!! We are so thrilled. We worried about degrading quality and instead got one awesome little snowflake to transfer!

He got me all set in the saddle (no modesty here folks) and showed us on the screen my uterus. I had a cm lining so it grew since my last appointment by almost a whole mm. He said it was a great lining and offered a cushy spot for our wee one. Once we were all set, they sent word to bring in the embryo.

A nurse came in with a long tube and cover and he inserted it into the catheter and showed us as our little babe was placed in my uterus and my hubby and I held hands and smiled in wonder. There was a gentle little flash of white. They then took the tube back to the lab to verify the embryo wasn't stuck in the tube. And that was it!

Our doctor told me to lay flat for about ten minutes, then go empty by bladder and come back for about 20 minutes to just let things settle in. They brought me a nice heated blanket and turned off the air since it was a bit chilly in there. I felt pampered.

Our doctor was wonderful. He was so warm and my husband commented how it was so nice to feel included. He looked to my husband, ensured we both saw what was going on, on the monitor. Such a warm man.

We snapped a photo (I scribbled out the office and names) and we were on our way. We had a little lunch date and he left me to nap and rest at my friends who was so cute to set out food, remotes, blankets. I'm being taken well care of.

During all of this, it's been incredibly touching and humbling. A mother's group I'm in was pulling for me and there were so many words of prayer, support, well wishes and baby dust being sent my way. An embryo group I'm in, I posted a photo of us PUPO and within hours there were almost 100 likes and so many words of encouragement. I know we live in a society nowadays where the internet can have such a bad connotation, but for journeys like this, those communities are so strong and encouraging. For something that started as isolating and desolate for us, we've found friendships and unconditional support...many of those relationships that we've taken into real life with phone calls, texts and in face meet ups. God has such an amazing way of working.

A month or so ago when my in-laws were visiting I found a medallion on my dresser when they left. It was of St. Gerard, who is the patron saint of fertility. They aren't Catholic so I was surprised...but I was raised Catholic and always still consider myself part Catholic even though my husband and I attend a Presbyterian Church. It also had special meaning to me because my dad's middle name is Gerard. I've been carrying this little medal with me to every fertility appointment and it came with us today. Ever since learning the Hail Mary when I was younger, I feel power when reaching out to Saints. I remember my mom praying to St. Joseph when they were selling my grandma's house. They buried the statue in the ground.

 So, for now, I rest, pray and wait. Our Beta is November 30. I know I'll cheat and test sooner, but I don't know when. My son's birthday is Sunday 6dp5dt (6 days past 5 day transfer) so I may be able to get a glimmer of a positive, but it's still early and I don't want to get bummed over a false negative or a real negative. I want it to be my son's happy day!

I'll keep you posted. And for everyone out there, it is National Embryo Adoption Awareness Day on November 25th!!! Get the word out what a blessing this is. So many couples who have done IVF are unaware donating their embryos is an option. What a tremendous gift to so many waiting families and what a beautiful thing to give your babes on ice a chance at life.

If I could ask anyone out there reading to offer a prayer or send a sticky baby vibe our way, I'm so grateful for it.

God bless you!! Always!

Green Light Green Light

Nov. 12, 2015

Well, yesterday I got the official green light. My lining is at a 9.1 with a great pattern. I was worried it was too skimpy, but my doctor explained the minimum they want is 8, ideal is 10 so a 9 ain't half bad. He said he looks more at the pattern, which was really good.

I did get a chance to chat with him a bit about how many embryos to transfer as well. We've decided to transfer one with the understanding that if it thaws and degrades in quality measurably that we would like a second thawed. He said we could either dispose of the one or transfer it as well. I gently assured him we'd like to transfer as well. I know all don't agree with my sentiments, but after all this praying and wanting a child, I don't feel like it's up to me to decide it's fate. If it's still alive, it deserves a chance. If it's poor quality, it will probably die or "arrest" as they like to say, on it's own. I don't feel like playing God to make it so. If it takes, than that little babe certainly deserves life and thank God I didn't stop it. Anyway, just our own personal view and decision regarding how many to transfer.

I also clarified a bit about how strict bed rest is. He basically told me it isn't lying flat all day, that I can get up, go to the bathroom, eat, stretch, more just be a couch potato and take it easy. I'm going to stay with a friend Monday and Tuesday so I can relax (she'll be at work during the day) without my nearly three year old wanting me to constantly play. Just thinking about the tears and arguments with daddy about wanting mommy (because let's be real, he'll want the parent that CAN'T be with him at all times) brought on stress. It'll actually be nice. I haven't had girl time with my friend since before we were married.

Saturday is one last acupuncture visit and I'd love love love to get in for a massage on Sunday some time to just absolutely relax every single muscle in my body.

I started my progesterone inserts last night, my steroids today and will start my PIO shots tonight. Those babies are huge and have a lot of thick oil injected into the muscle. The hubs is out of town, so I'll be wielding it myself. I did well with my estrogen shots in the tush, so I just need to think of it as the same thing.

It's all starting to become VERY REAL. I'm really excited. I'm focusing on positive outcomes and refuse to let the negative come into my mind. In four days I will be PUPO. "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise." After almost two and a half years of trying, it just gives me chills. I know some women go through so much more and for so much longer. What a journey it is. Keep the faith. I am.

God Bless!

Less Than a Week Away

Nov. 10, 2015

Well, it's really sneaking up on me! Last Weds I went in for my first ultrasound. I was a bit apprehensive about my lining. Since I'd had my period Thursday - Sunday, I was fearful there wouldn't be anything there. Surprisingly, not only did I have a lining, but it was already to 6.3mm and had a triple stripe. My doctor had told me the ideal for transfer was a bare minimum of 8mm and ideally around 12mm. We shall see tomorrow where I'm at.

My mom actually came with me to my appointment last week. She likes to "put eyes" on what is happening so she has a better idea. I think she enjoyed going with me. She was able to ask questions, see where our transfer would be done... She was also able to give me my shot. She asked the nurse to draw my circles on my butt again so she'd have something to aim for.

My meds were doubled and I was on my way. On my way home I'd scheduled my TCM appointment and I went over my dates with them. They got me into acupuncture and adjusted my herbs from the "bring back menstruation" concoction to the "hold pregnancy" concoction. I have one more appointment scheduled before the big day. They were very firm I should not do an appointment after like many women do as they felt the needles are too powerful disrupting energy channels once an embryo is placed.

That night she was rather horrified at the size of the needle and I'm not quite sure who it was more painful for...her or me to get / receive it. She poked me and asked again, "how far does this go in?" All. The. Way. *gulp* She was very gentle.

I'd done a Yoni steam and castor oil pack last Monday and I can't help but wonder if that is what helped build my lining. Unfortunately, since we've had company non stop I've been unable to repeat it. I have been guzzling my POM juice like a good little girl (POM juice helps build endometrial lining.)

Tomorrow morning I'm back to my fertility doctor to get the final go ahead. I'm praying my lining is nice and fluffy and is a perfect triple stripe. I want to talk to the doctor as well about embryos downgrading in the thaw and at one point we will move from our "transfer one" to "transfer two" stance if that happens.

So much going on!

Well, my company will be gone tonight and my hubby is out of town so I'm on my own for shots. Tonight is just the one, but tomorrow (if all goes according to plan) I'll be starting the progesterone which is the more painful of the two. Fingers and toes crossed I'm as gentle as my husband and mom were.

I'll keep you posted.

God Bless!

FET update

Nov. 1, 2015

I realize my updates are slow going. I feel like this whole process is a whole bunch of hurry up and wait and then a mad dash to get everything situated. The weeks leading up to this were a whole lot of pricing meds and waiting. At the last minute, my coordinator finally put my orders in and my meds arrived THE DAY I started taking them. Way way way too close for my Type A comfort.

Last Thursday was my baseline ultrasound. My friend thankfully agreed to watch our son so we could pay attention at the appointment and not be trying to keep him entertained the entire time. To catch you up to speed, I'd been put on birth control pills with the hopes it'd jump start a period. I was starting to panic when Thrusday arrived (my last pill was Sunday morning) and I hadn't started my period yet. When I arrived I had the tiniest bit of spotting.

The nurse practitioner that did my ultrasound explained how I only had a 1.9mm thickness so perfectly within limits for a baseline measurement. I talked to her about my fear of not having shed lining since last March and would that be bad to start a pregnancy with that old blood hanging around in there. She assured me no. I will say, however, that I was thrilled to start my period hours after I left my appointment.

While she was doing the ultra sound, I got to see my ovaries again. My one, although good size was pretty quiet, no follicles. The other actually had something going on. She didn't know if it was a cyst of follicle but they marked it to monitor. We'll see if it changes by next Weds when I go in again.

After my ultrasound I met with the coordinator. I'll keep things very PC here, but I will admit her and I clash. I'm a pretty easy going person, but she can just be rude and condescending. I finally asked her to please be patient with me. Every question I asked she was annoyed and dismissive. I said we'd never done this before so my questions were new to us.

I wanted to clarify a few things in the contracts. One, our only two options when we were done building our family (all three remain ours until we are done) were to donate them back to the clinic for either destruction or scientific study. I was unsettled with that, but she assured me since they were such great quality, they'd be donated to another couple.

My other issue was they wanted to know now how many we were transferring. I told her I'd like to discuss further with the doctor. We feel like if the embryo thaws great, we will only transfer one. If the embryo thaws and downgrades, we may consider two. We just want to be on the same page as the doctor so he and the embryologist can decide at what point we'd like another embryo thawed.

After all our contracts and releases were signed, she showed us a quick video on how to administer the shots. The needle looked ginormous. I won't lie. She had me drop my pants and put two huge circles on my butt where I should be given the shot.

I also had to sign a release. Apparently, my varicella test showed my immunity was gone. I was a bit surprised because not only did I have chicken pox when I was little, but I showed full immunity when I was pregnant with my son. It was barely under so we decided to sign a release and proceed. To get the vaccination would push our transfer three months because it is a live virus. My feeling is it's a required vax so it isn't as common as it use to be and after researching it, IF I got it, there is only a 2% chance it would affect the baby in anyway. Now, if it was rubella or something, I'd have gotten the booster.

When I got home, we heard back from my blood test. My estrogen was a bit high at 121. They doctor likes to see it under 100, but since I'd just stopped birth control they allowed me to proceed thinking it may be residual estrogen in my system. I was given the go ahead to start my meds.

We struggled a bit with the shot starting out. First, my husband didn't get anything in the needle. Thank GOD we noticed it. The second time he kept pulling bubbles. I tried and did the same. Thankfully our friends who are now pregnant with EA were still up at 10 at night and talked us through it. They told my husband to put three times the meds in the syringe then shoot the excess back into the bottle. That took care of the huge bubbles. For the remaining, we just tapped the needle like suggested. The meds aren't like normal liquids you pull into a syringe. It's in castor oil (later the progesterone is in sesame oil) so it's very thick.

I bent over and my husband geared up to play darts where the nurse had drawn the circle. The initial poke wasn't too bad, but it was a strange sensation feeling him push the needle all the way in. It's 2" long. Not a tiny poke. He slowly injected it like instructed. It wasn't too bad. Very tolerable. I will say however this was only .1 cc. When I start progesterone that is 1 cc so ten times as much. That is the one I hear is very tender, especially doing it nightly.

Well, I am actually gearing up now for a shot. Right now, I'm just on pills, shots and baby aspirin. My meds should double this coming Weds if all is progressing well and then the following week and the progesterone will be added in (shots and vaginal suppositories.)

All in all, I'm feeling very positive and excited. Everything is paid for (well, on my credit card) at this point, so it's nice to have that bit of pressure off us. For now...

My TCM got back from China today. I plan to see if I can stop in for an acupuncture session on Weds after my fertility appointment since they are in a similar area. My mom will also be in town, so I know she'll be coming with me to my appointment. She'll (I'm sure) ask every question I've never even thought of. Ha! I can just imagine my coordinator's frustration now. Makes me giggle.

God bless!