Here. We. Go.

 Edit: I never published this blog post for fear people would read it before I was ready. After our transfer was negative, I never wanted to publish it, but I've always been transparent about our journey, so feel I should... It still hurts.

Nov 4, 2022

I'm excited and nervous and scared and so many emotions right now. I won't hit publish on this until much later I am sure - we don't want any unsolicited opinions...but we are a go for transfer.

For over a year now, we've been grappling with what we should do. We'd reached out to our clinic on numerous occasions with no answer over the last few years. We thought our one remaining embryo had been donated, but a little over a year ago we were billed...in fact we were billed for five years. We got lost in the system. Apparently, there was a clerical error. No one knew we had an embryo left. It wasn't until we were billed and sent to collections that anyone was aware. Not the clinic. Not our coordinator. Not the doctor. Not their billing department. Not us.

Long story short, the clinic was apologetic and put a hold on our collections and any money due until we decided what to do. I had a consult last spring with the doctor and we checked everything was in working order. I had labs run at my personal doctor and a sonohysterogram to ensure everything looked good. Everything was good, but we were in the process of figuring out our living situation. Our landlords of 13 years were selling and stress was at an all time high.

This summer we started reevaluating again. It was left with both of us go into a lot of prayer. This evening, my husband who had been hesitant sat down and flat out said, that baby is ours. Call the clinic. Let's go next steps. It works or doesn't, but it is in God's hands. That baby is ours. For here or for eternity - that is for God to decide.

So, off we go. I emailed our coordinator. We will see if I have to repeat any tests since it's been over six months, but I feel at peace. Finally, I feel at peace. The last year and a half, I have been on edge, stressed and anxious. I knew in the bottom of my soul this baby was ours. I tried to look at it financially, practically, at my age, everything, but it has been a resounding THIS BABY IS YOURS from God no matter the way I looked at it. For my husband, the one who was most hesitant, to come forward with 100% certainty, cemented it.

I know it sounds insane, but this morning I put on a blend of essential oil called "Hope" and I said God, if it's meant to be it will be. I need an answer. I could not believe when my husband sat down and said the transfer, we need to do it. That baby is ours. If it works it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't, but we will know we did everything we could. I cannot fathom a life without S in it, and I cannot fathom a life not knowing we didn't try for this child too.

God is good. All in HIS hands. If it doesn't work, I've two amazing kids and am blessed. If it works, we will be blessed. God. Is. Good. Always.