March 26, 2015
Well, my results for my FSH and estradiol are in. Drum. Roll. Please.
Meh, forget it. It was more of a trip over a drum set, crash, scenario.
Well, my FSH actually went up a bit from 48 to 55.7. Both are way way waaaaay down from my original diagnosis reading of 136, so grateful, I suppose.
Last night, it all came to a head. I was a sobbing mess. Why why why? I eat well. I take care of myself. I don't use toxins. Was it because I was sick last week? Didn't sleep well the night before? Have been stressed? Because I had a long anovulatory cycle? And on and on and on. It just seemed so bloody unfair. My poor husband came home from a work trip and was met with me. He asked did I want to talk about it and all I could respond is "there's nothing to say. I'm sad. I'm mad. I've had it."
But, then I expounded. It wasn't fair. To me. To our son. To him. He got saddled with a broken old woman. At which point, I crumbled. Completely. Thankfully, I've a very supportive and encouraging husband who teared up immediately and said to NEVER, EVER say that again.
Basically, that was the first time I just let it all spill how incredibly guilty I feel for putting him and our family through this. I KNOW it's not my fault. I KNOW. It's hard to stop FEELING though.
The crazy thing is, I feel the same I did health wise as when I conceived our son. We got to talking that maybe this is something I've had the whole time. I went back through my old charts TTC our son. I had night sweats then as well. When they say every child is a miracle, I believe it, but in our case, he may be a miracle ten fold. I won't ever let go of God's healing hand blessing us again. I won't. I did feel though a wave of gratitude how lucky we are.
I also had a good cry about being so hard on myself for feeling guilty that I'm upset and angry. We are so blessed. We've a house. Food. Family. Other than this little debacle, our health. It felt good to just let it out, and boy, was I exhausted.
I woke up refreshed (thanks to my son sleeping in) and to my estradiol lab. That one came in lower than last time at 40. Which, is actually good news. Basically CD3 estradiol should be between 25-75, the higher the number the more indicative it is of diminished reserve. For IVF purposes I know, they like to see a lower number. My number of 40 was not only normal, but almost exactly where medically speaking it should be.
My number before of 89, which a whole lot better than ZERO, was considered high and most likely suppressing my FSH. So, my true FSH at that point, may be closer to what it read this time at 55.7.
What does all this mean? Well, I think Weds. appointment with the fertility specialist will be much more indicative of what is up with me once we can see my ovaries, follicles, lining, etc, but for now it tells me that my ovaries are working too hard still.
I panicked last night wondering if HRT was a necessity as I read over the list of what POF causes...heart attack, osteoporosis, increased risk of cancers, stroke, dementia, vaginal atrophy...and on and on. The dementia really gets me. My grandma died of Alzheimers and I know I'm at increased risk. The earlier you go through menopause, the higher your risk.
What my labs showed though was my estrogen was actually right where it should be. It may not have the same surges as a "younger" woman hormonally speaking because not as many follicles mature (each maturing follicle makes your estrogen surge to about 200 higher) but it's in a healthy level. So despite my higher labs for FSH, my estrogen in on point where HRT would put it anyway.
I feel like if I look at myself as a whole (not just fertility wise) and can keep my estrogen, calcium and vitamin D in check, there still is no need for HRT. After 15 years of taking birth control pills I don't know why I'm so resistant. I think because I partly blame them for my issues. Every drug I've taken, I've had such an exaggerated reaction. In high school when I got my wisdom teeth out they couldn't wake me from the pain killer and I spent hours throwing up and passing back out. When I was induced, the drug I was suppose to get every four hours was so strong eight hours later they still refused the second dose. When they put me on pit I contracted so long and hard they thought my uterus would rupture. I just can't help but feel my body is incredibly sensitive to drugs and they reek havoc on my system.
Anyway, thought I'd update you all. So, my labs for all intents and purposes are the same. My FSH is still around the same so not worse, definitely not better, but my estrogen is healthy.
I went to my TCM today for acupuncture because I'm actually filming Saturday when my original appointment was scheduled. He was excited I'd gotten my period.
During acupuncture he did the same fertility points, stuck with the depression points again as well and then I asked him to do some carpal tunnel points since I work so long at the computer and I've been having lingering pain. It's hard to get to sleep at night. I had to chuckle when he put them in my head. He again told me how good he was...most times those needles really hurt people but he's so gentle I barely felt it.
I almost did start laughing out loud when he was doing the points on my abdomen. The two points really hurt. It just so happens it's right, I mean RIGHT over my private parts so my pants are tucked down really far. He just blurted out "I'm nervous."
Nervous?? To do acupuncture? Yes, he said, so close to your privates. I don't want to touch it. I couldn't help but laugh. He is a doctor after all so I've never put much thought to it, but perhaps that is why my female doctor typically does the fertility stuff. She's still in China.
My pulse was much better after the session. He said the Qi may have been a little low today because I am still menstruating. The good thing is my period has been a good length. It started a bit "scanty" as they like to call it, or light, but picked up a bit. Not a heavy flow, but a consistent, red flow. There was a bit darker color, but I think from the long anovulatory cycle. He also loaded me up on herbs.
I'm really praying if I should continue this.
I did order my essential oils and will be happy to start using more of them. I think the clary sage has been helping. I've also been making sure to eat more fats which I think can only help overall.
After Weds I think I will be more in tune with my body, but I spent all night and day really trying to feel God's presence. I feel like I'm at a point where I can "give up" my efforts and trust God. I hope, pray and do believe I will conceive, but I also feel like I need to open myself that our child will come however he or she comes. I seek so hard for the answers to fertility, or how to make fostering or adoption or embryo adoption work and I need to find a calm and really allow God to PRESENT it to me. I don't know how that will happen. At times I don't believe it can, but I need to push that behind me and trust it will.
Last night all I wanted to do is scream "Why God" are you allowing this, but I know the answer. GOD isn't. God empowers me to DEAL with it. Satan, the devil, however you want to call it, is in charge of evil, sickness, death, despair. So sorry to get all biblical on you, but "Get thee behind me Satan." I'll have no part of it.
I've a renewed peace today. I've had a few moments of tears, but I'll come out ahead.
God Bless.
Well, my results for my FSH and estradiol are in. Drum. Roll. Please.
Meh, forget it. It was more of a trip over a drum set, crash, scenario.
Well, my FSH actually went up a bit from 48 to 55.7. Both are way way waaaaay down from my original diagnosis reading of 136, so grateful, I suppose.
Last night, it all came to a head. I was a sobbing mess. Why why why? I eat well. I take care of myself. I don't use toxins. Was it because I was sick last week? Didn't sleep well the night before? Have been stressed? Because I had a long anovulatory cycle? And on and on and on. It just seemed so bloody unfair. My poor husband came home from a work trip and was met with me. He asked did I want to talk about it and all I could respond is "there's nothing to say. I'm sad. I'm mad. I've had it."
But, then I expounded. It wasn't fair. To me. To our son. To him. He got saddled with a broken old woman. At which point, I crumbled. Completely. Thankfully, I've a very supportive and encouraging husband who teared up immediately and said to NEVER, EVER say that again.
Basically, that was the first time I just let it all spill how incredibly guilty I feel for putting him and our family through this. I KNOW it's not my fault. I KNOW. It's hard to stop FEELING though.
The crazy thing is, I feel the same I did health wise as when I conceived our son. We got to talking that maybe this is something I've had the whole time. I went back through my old charts TTC our son. I had night sweats then as well. When they say every child is a miracle, I believe it, but in our case, he may be a miracle ten fold. I won't ever let go of God's healing hand blessing us again. I won't. I did feel though a wave of gratitude how lucky we are.
I also had a good cry about being so hard on myself for feeling guilty that I'm upset and angry. We are so blessed. We've a house. Food. Family. Other than this little debacle, our health. It felt good to just let it out, and boy, was I exhausted.
I woke up refreshed (thanks to my son sleeping in) and to my estradiol lab. That one came in lower than last time at 40. Which, is actually good news. Basically CD3 estradiol should be between 25-75, the higher the number the more indicative it is of diminished reserve. For IVF purposes I know, they like to see a lower number. My number of 40 was not only normal, but almost exactly where medically speaking it should be.
My number before of 89, which a whole lot better than ZERO, was considered high and most likely suppressing my FSH. So, my true FSH at that point, may be closer to what it read this time at 55.7.
What does all this mean? Well, I think Weds. appointment with the fertility specialist will be much more indicative of what is up with me once we can see my ovaries, follicles, lining, etc, but for now it tells me that my ovaries are working too hard still.
I panicked last night wondering if HRT was a necessity as I read over the list of what POF causes...heart attack, osteoporosis, increased risk of cancers, stroke, dementia, vaginal atrophy...and on and on. The dementia really gets me. My grandma died of Alzheimers and I know I'm at increased risk. The earlier you go through menopause, the higher your risk.
What my labs showed though was my estrogen was actually right where it should be. It may not have the same surges as a "younger" woman hormonally speaking because not as many follicles mature (each maturing follicle makes your estrogen surge to about 200 higher) but it's in a healthy level. So despite my higher labs for FSH, my estrogen in on point where HRT would put it anyway.
I feel like if I look at myself as a whole (not just fertility wise) and can keep my estrogen, calcium and vitamin D in check, there still is no need for HRT. After 15 years of taking birth control pills I don't know why I'm so resistant. I think because I partly blame them for my issues. Every drug I've taken, I've had such an exaggerated reaction. In high school when I got my wisdom teeth out they couldn't wake me from the pain killer and I spent hours throwing up and passing back out. When I was induced, the drug I was suppose to get every four hours was so strong eight hours later they still refused the second dose. When they put me on pit I contracted so long and hard they thought my uterus would rupture. I just can't help but feel my body is incredibly sensitive to drugs and they reek havoc on my system.
Anyway, thought I'd update you all. So, my labs for all intents and purposes are the same. My FSH is still around the same so not worse, definitely not better, but my estrogen is healthy.
I went to my TCM today for acupuncture because I'm actually filming Saturday when my original appointment was scheduled. He was excited I'd gotten my period.
During acupuncture he did the same fertility points, stuck with the depression points again as well and then I asked him to do some carpal tunnel points since I work so long at the computer and I've been having lingering pain. It's hard to get to sleep at night. I had to chuckle when he put them in my head. He again told me how good he was...most times those needles really hurt people but he's so gentle I barely felt it.
I almost did start laughing out loud when he was doing the points on my abdomen. The two points really hurt. It just so happens it's right, I mean RIGHT over my private parts so my pants are tucked down really far. He just blurted out "I'm nervous."
Nervous?? To do acupuncture? Yes, he said, so close to your privates. I don't want to touch it. I couldn't help but laugh. He is a doctor after all so I've never put much thought to it, but perhaps that is why my female doctor typically does the fertility stuff. She's still in China.
My pulse was much better after the session. He said the Qi may have been a little low today because I am still menstruating. The good thing is my period has been a good length. It started a bit "scanty" as they like to call it, or light, but picked up a bit. Not a heavy flow, but a consistent, red flow. There was a bit darker color, but I think from the long anovulatory cycle. He also loaded me up on herbs.
I'm really praying if I should continue this.
I did order my essential oils and will be happy to start using more of them. I think the clary sage has been helping. I've also been making sure to eat more fats which I think can only help overall.
After Weds I think I will be more in tune with my body, but I spent all night and day really trying to feel God's presence. I feel like I'm at a point where I can "give up" my efforts and trust God. I hope, pray and do believe I will conceive, but I also feel like I need to open myself that our child will come however he or she comes. I seek so hard for the answers to fertility, or how to make fostering or adoption or embryo adoption work and I need to find a calm and really allow God to PRESENT it to me. I don't know how that will happen. At times I don't believe it can, but I need to push that behind me and trust it will.
Last night all I wanted to do is scream "Why God" are you allowing this, but I know the answer. GOD isn't. God empowers me to DEAL with it. Satan, the devil, however you want to call it, is in charge of evil, sickness, death, despair. So sorry to get all biblical on you, but "Get thee behind me Satan." I'll have no part of it.
I've a renewed peace today. I've had a few moments of tears, but I'll come out ahead.
God Bless.
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