National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24, 2018

A friend posted today about National Infertility Awareness Week and I was embarrassed to admit, I'd completely forgotten it was this week. I was glad for the reminder. I never want to forget or let other people forget that part of myself. It's shaped me into who I am and has blessed me beyond measure with my son. I also want people to know it's not abnormal. It should be isolating or embarrassing. One in eight people suffer from infertility and it's still taboo. It is personal on so many levels. It's a person's inherent right to reproduce. It's biology. To not be capable..it just plain hurts. It's suffering. It's loss. It's expensive. It's difficult on a marriage. It's getting your hopes up time and time again to have them dashed. It's suffering. It's pain. It's crying. It's confusion. It's anger. It's all those things wrapped into one.

I remember the day I was told I had premature ovarian failure and it was denial. The doctor must be wrong. I asked what they'd do about it. I mean...it was medicine. There was always an answer, right? Always a treatment. Always a next step. But no, nothing. Not a thing. Nothing. I remember hanging up and sobbing. How could this be?

You only need to look back at my blog entries to relive my journey. What I want to talk about today is my silver lining, because four years ago, I would never have believed there was one.

I'm glad for my infertility. There, I said it. Do I still catch myself thinking "if only it was that easy" to get pregnant? Sure. If only it wasn't so expensive? Sure. If only it didn't require, needles and pain and contracts and heartbreak? Sure. BUT, it was MY journey to get MY son.

In the support groups and the first thing everyone asks me who is toying with the idea of embryo donation asks me is "do you love him the same?" Or, "Did you ever worry if you'd love him like your own?" I think it's a legitimate question. It's a real question. I had the same one.

Yes! Oh my goodness yes. I wish I could shout from the rooftops and take over the internet to say, yes yes yes! You will LOVE this baby. This baby IS yours. He or she IS your own. DNA makeup means nothing in the scheme of love. I grew up with step parents and siblings - they aren't my blood, but they ARE my family. My son is not my DNA, but I will tell you this with all the mama bear certainty there is in the world, he IS my son. There is not a fiber of my being that can deny that. I'm a firm believer in God, and our God is an awesome God. I know that S was part of our family from the beginning and it was God's hand that placed him here. I cannot fathom a life without him in it. Our family wouldn't be the same. He is ours and we are his.

I want to reassure any of you out there contemplating any type of adoption or donor assisted birth, it will not matter. It won't. At all. I'm a rarity that I have a biological son and an embryo donated son. The love I have for both is the same. That protectiveness? The same. The I would lay down my life for them in a second? The same. I grew them in me. I birthed them. I nursed them. I've stayed up all night when they are sick, cried with them, laughed with them, been covered in their puke, pee, poop and snot and worried relentlessly over them.

I thank God everyday for the path that was laid for me. I don't begrudge God for it. I don't get mad over it. I don't wish it differently. I can't. To wish away my struggle would be to wish away my son.

For all of you women and men out there in the thick of it, my heart is with you. It hurts. I pray you find an answer to grow your family and extend to anyone wanting to know more about embryo donation that my door is always open. Love and peace your way.

#IAm1in8

April 14, 2018

April 14, 2018

Baby boy is 17 months! Wowza! We are still breastfeeding and going strong. In fact, I'm drowning in milk. I intentionally didn't pump this time thinking it'd tame my supply, but I was wrong. So, I gave up and started pumping, just for a few minutes a day because my breasts had marks from expressing. I've a freezer full and have been blessed enough to be donating to two families. One with a NICU miracle and one with a poor sweet baby who has horrendous eczema. Her mom suffers from a hormonal imbalance, and her breast milk was passing it to her baby. She came to pick up milk just covered in scales, bleeding. I felt horrible for her and worse for her poor baby girl. Thankfully, the milk seems to be helping. I've two dear friends on bedrest - one in the hospital since 27 weeks, the other just released from the hospital on strict bedrest now 31 weeks with twins. If either needs milk, I'll help. I figure, I can introduce pumping a bit if needed. Not my ideal long term, but feasible. I've a chest freezer full so my guy will have ample supply, even if I ever need to stop. It's strange, but since I started donating, I feel it's my civic duty so I don't mind pushing it for a bit of an oversupply. I was never able to donate blood because I was too petite and have hemochromatosis which nixed my chances, so I guess breastmilk is the next best thing, right?

I'm feeling pretty good. I've found if I forget to do my regimen of progessence plus and sclaressence I tend to feel it. I've also started including vitex (20 drops of a tincture) and two capsules of organic shatavari root per day to help support my hormonal system. I'd used them previously, and thought these two would be good to start up again as symptoms started increasing. They are both breastfeeding safe (of course chat with YOUR doctor should you choose to use them.) I've found when I follow my little protocol hot flashes and night sweats are diminished. Still keeping on with my other supplements. OmegaGize, Super Cal Plus, SmartyPants prenatals, Biosil and a Fulvic humeric blend of minerals, Natural Calm, NingXia red and my probiotic Life 9. I've started sulphurzyme once a day as well as it's high in MSM and wolfberry. I've started incoporating collagen as well to help with bone health. I still haven't had my follow up dexascan, but I'm feeling strong. It'll be interesting to see what it says when I go back.

The kids are great. S is a TALKER!! Holy moly! I've never heard a kid that young chatting up a storm. Full sentences and all. He's VERY smart. And, VERY stubborn. We will have our hands full. Very head strong. I guess he had to be to survive the freeze ;) Watching my two boys together seriously has to be the most heart warming thing I've ever seen. I love watching them together. They are best friends. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing. I cannot even think of my life without the two of them in it. My oldest son is now asking for a sister. He wanted one before and apparently the dream still lives on.

Work has been going ok. It's really tough to manage everything. Sometimes I just sigh that my house isn't as clean as I'd like or I don't have the things I'd like (I'll be honest, I'm embarassed. My shoes are now 8 years old, have holes and are discolored, but I'll be damned if my kids ever think they don't have the best life ever.) I felt funny today going to my son's school. They were riding for St. Jude and all the other kids brought a bike. We didn't. He has a scooter. Living in a townhome, we don't have a yard or block for him to ride on, and it's an added expense. I was embarrassed. Silly, right? These parents are my friends, yet I still felt judged. I know...in my head. I started looking for a used bike when we got home regardless. I look at prices in MI and know it'd be sooooo much easier financially. Our life is here though. My husbands job. Acting. My kids friends.

Thankfully, I've been starting to teach more essential oil classes with great attendance. My dream is to move to JUST educating about healthier lifestyle options and acting. I tremble to think lifestyle choice could render other women infertile. It infuriates me these products are on the market and advertising is so one sided. I just put my blinders on and speak and know my truth. It's fulfilling to me hearing how beneficial they've been to people. I pray constantly others will just try something to proactively protect themselves. I also had a nice week of auditions. Nothing since, but it felt invigorating to be back out there. That is where my heart is. I feel so alive on set. Telling stories. I pray and trust I'll work back into it.

There are days I would love love love another child. Others I know how blessed I am with my two boys and how difficult another child would be time wise and financially. The reality is, that is totally in God's hands. At this point, we don't intend to transfer again and I was given less than a one in ten million chance of conceiving before and I'm sure it's only diminished. I'm trying hard to cherish every single second. I nurse S through naps, I spend time cuddling my oldest at night after prayers...and quite frankly...I'm ok with it. Before, I'd have been so panicked to get that extra bit of work in. Now, I know how important these moments are. I can stay up an extra hour at night to work if needed. Visiting my friend at the hospital on bedrest for twins should've scared me...but being there...made me sentimental about my own babies. We still have an embryo and there are days I just watch Seeley with that nagging feeling what if they'd grabbed a different straw...he'd still be frozen. Who is that child in the straw? Are they suppose to be with our family too?

I truly do love motherhood. Every stage. Sure, I get stressed. I lose my temper. I get tired, but I love it. I do. At my weakest moments, I take a breath and give myself grace. It. Is. Hard. Anyone who tells you differently is delusional, or far better than I. My husband really struggles. I don't know if he could manage another child and he's the first to admit that. At times I find myself thinking back to what I "thought" my life would be. In premarital classes we wanted four kids. We were open to adoption, fostering. If we had the money. Truly, if we didn't have financial concerns, I'd be all for more kids. For fostering. For all of it. Finances cause so much stress on a family. Marriage.

I'm getting excited to head home to Michigan this summer. We'll be there for five weeks. It's be great for the kids. Poor S has only met his family aside from Nonna and Papa once when he was tiny. We're also going to AZ over Memorial Day to spend time with my in-laws. The kiddos will love it. I dread the drive, but night time driving is the best bet and makes in manageable.

You know...life is funny. I've said it before, but I'm feeling rather sentimental tonight. When I got slapped with this diagnosis, I thought the world as I knew it was over. And, I suppose it was. But, WOW! Wow. Wow. I catch myself thanking God every day now. Had someone told me I'd find gratitude or meaning in all this back then, my eyes would have rolled so far back in my head, and I may have punched them in the face...but I have. I am so, so grateful for my son. I cannot fathom a life without him in it. At all. He is utterly perfect. I've no doubt at all, this was my path, and he was destined to be part of us. If you've been diagnosed or are considering egg or embryo donation or adoption or fostering, I implore you have an open heart. I cannot explain the immense love you feel. The blessing. The peace. Quiet yourself, pray, open your heart and mind. Maybe it's not an option for you, but maybe it is. I'm in a unique situation to tell you biological or otherwise (because I have both) you will love your child however they come. There is no "difference." There is no less love. I promise you.

I'm also grateful it opened my eyes to living consciously and taking responsibility for life choices. Are we always perfect? Nope. But every day I take care at what I bring into our home or my kids or myself and my husband come into contact with. I wasn't that vigilant before and it upsets me the outcome that could have had for our children. Shit happens. I get it, but the reality is, when I met with my geneticist, they explained that only 5-10% of cancers and health issues are genetic. The rest? Lifestyle choices and environmental toxins and factors. A whole lotta nope there. I can't limit everything, but I sure will limit what I can.

I read back through some of these blogs and I'm so aware of how much I've grown over these past four years. My life is not perfect, but I live full of gratitude now. A crappy thing turned into the most beautiful blessing I could have ever asked for.

Peace and love to you all. God bless.