April 14, 2018

April 14, 2018

Baby boy is 17 months! Wowza! We are still breastfeeding and going strong. In fact, I'm drowning in milk. I intentionally didn't pump this time thinking it'd tame my supply, but I was wrong. So, I gave up and started pumping, just for a few minutes a day because my breasts had marks from expressing. I've a freezer full and have been blessed enough to be donating to two families. One with a NICU miracle and one with a poor sweet baby who has horrendous eczema. Her mom suffers from a hormonal imbalance, and her breast milk was passing it to her baby. She came to pick up milk just covered in scales, bleeding. I felt horrible for her and worse for her poor baby girl. Thankfully, the milk seems to be helping. I've two dear friends on bedrest - one in the hospital since 27 weeks, the other just released from the hospital on strict bedrest now 31 weeks with twins. If either needs milk, I'll help. I figure, I can introduce pumping a bit if needed. Not my ideal long term, but feasible. I've a chest freezer full so my guy will have ample supply, even if I ever need to stop. It's strange, but since I started donating, I feel it's my civic duty so I don't mind pushing it for a bit of an oversupply. I was never able to donate blood because I was too petite and have hemochromatosis which nixed my chances, so I guess breastmilk is the next best thing, right?

I'm feeling pretty good. I've found if I forget to do my regimen of progessence plus and sclaressence I tend to feel it. I've also started including vitex (20 drops of a tincture) and two capsules of organic shatavari root per day to help support my hormonal system. I'd used them previously, and thought these two would be good to start up again as symptoms started increasing. They are both breastfeeding safe (of course chat with YOUR doctor should you choose to use them.) I've found when I follow my little protocol hot flashes and night sweats are diminished. Still keeping on with my other supplements. OmegaGize, Super Cal Plus, SmartyPants prenatals, Biosil and a Fulvic humeric blend of minerals, Natural Calm, NingXia red and my probiotic Life 9. I've started sulphurzyme once a day as well as it's high in MSM and wolfberry. I've started incoporating collagen as well to help with bone health. I still haven't had my follow up dexascan, but I'm feeling strong. It'll be interesting to see what it says when I go back.

The kids are great. S is a TALKER!! Holy moly! I've never heard a kid that young chatting up a storm. Full sentences and all. He's VERY smart. And, VERY stubborn. We will have our hands full. Very head strong. I guess he had to be to survive the freeze ;) Watching my two boys together seriously has to be the most heart warming thing I've ever seen. I love watching them together. They are best friends. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing. I cannot even think of my life without the two of them in it. My oldest son is now asking for a sister. He wanted one before and apparently the dream still lives on.

Work has been going ok. It's really tough to manage everything. Sometimes I just sigh that my house isn't as clean as I'd like or I don't have the things I'd like (I'll be honest, I'm embarassed. My shoes are now 8 years old, have holes and are discolored, but I'll be damned if my kids ever think they don't have the best life ever.) I felt funny today going to my son's school. They were riding for St. Jude and all the other kids brought a bike. We didn't. He has a scooter. Living in a townhome, we don't have a yard or block for him to ride on, and it's an added expense. I was embarrassed. Silly, right? These parents are my friends, yet I still felt judged. I know...in my head. I started looking for a used bike when we got home regardless. I look at prices in MI and know it'd be sooooo much easier financially. Our life is here though. My husbands job. Acting. My kids friends.

Thankfully, I've been starting to teach more essential oil classes with great attendance. My dream is to move to JUST educating about healthier lifestyle options and acting. I tremble to think lifestyle choice could render other women infertile. It infuriates me these products are on the market and advertising is so one sided. I just put my blinders on and speak and know my truth. It's fulfilling to me hearing how beneficial they've been to people. I pray constantly others will just try something to proactively protect themselves. I also had a nice week of auditions. Nothing since, but it felt invigorating to be back out there. That is where my heart is. I feel so alive on set. Telling stories. I pray and trust I'll work back into it.

There are days I would love love love another child. Others I know how blessed I am with my two boys and how difficult another child would be time wise and financially. The reality is, that is totally in God's hands. At this point, we don't intend to transfer again and I was given less than a one in ten million chance of conceiving before and I'm sure it's only diminished. I'm trying hard to cherish every single second. I nurse S through naps, I spend time cuddling my oldest at night after prayers...and quite frankly...I'm ok with it. Before, I'd have been so panicked to get that extra bit of work in. Now, I know how important these moments are. I can stay up an extra hour at night to work if needed. Visiting my friend at the hospital on bedrest for twins should've scared me...but being there...made me sentimental about my own babies. We still have an embryo and there are days I just watch Seeley with that nagging feeling what if they'd grabbed a different straw...he'd still be frozen. Who is that child in the straw? Are they suppose to be with our family too?

I truly do love motherhood. Every stage. Sure, I get stressed. I lose my temper. I get tired, but I love it. I do. At my weakest moments, I take a breath and give myself grace. It. Is. Hard. Anyone who tells you differently is delusional, or far better than I. My husband really struggles. I don't know if he could manage another child and he's the first to admit that. At times I find myself thinking back to what I "thought" my life would be. In premarital classes we wanted four kids. We were open to adoption, fostering. If we had the money. Truly, if we didn't have financial concerns, I'd be all for more kids. For fostering. For all of it. Finances cause so much stress on a family. Marriage.

I'm getting excited to head home to Michigan this summer. We'll be there for five weeks. It's be great for the kids. Poor S has only met his family aside from Nonna and Papa once when he was tiny. We're also going to AZ over Memorial Day to spend time with my in-laws. The kiddos will love it. I dread the drive, but night time driving is the best bet and makes in manageable.

You know...life is funny. I've said it before, but I'm feeling rather sentimental tonight. When I got slapped with this diagnosis, I thought the world as I knew it was over. And, I suppose it was. But, WOW! Wow. Wow. I catch myself thanking God every day now. Had someone told me I'd find gratitude or meaning in all this back then, my eyes would have rolled so far back in my head, and I may have punched them in the face...but I have. I am so, so grateful for my son. I cannot fathom a life without him in it. At all. He is utterly perfect. I've no doubt at all, this was my path, and he was destined to be part of us. If you've been diagnosed or are considering egg or embryo donation or adoption or fostering, I implore you have an open heart. I cannot explain the immense love you feel. The blessing. The peace. Quiet yourself, pray, open your heart and mind. Maybe it's not an option for you, but maybe it is. I'm in a unique situation to tell you biological or otherwise (because I have both) you will love your child however they come. There is no "difference." There is no less love. I promise you.

I'm also grateful it opened my eyes to living consciously and taking responsibility for life choices. Are we always perfect? Nope. But every day I take care at what I bring into our home or my kids or myself and my husband come into contact with. I wasn't that vigilant before and it upsets me the outcome that could have had for our children. Shit happens. I get it, but the reality is, when I met with my geneticist, they explained that only 5-10% of cancers and health issues are genetic. The rest? Lifestyle choices and environmental toxins and factors. A whole lotta nope there. I can't limit everything, but I sure will limit what I can.

I read back through some of these blogs and I'm so aware of how much I've grown over these past four years. My life is not perfect, but I live full of gratitude now. A crappy thing turned into the most beautiful blessing I could have ever asked for.

Peace and love to you all. God bless.

Mindful Living

Jan. 16, 2018

I was heading to bed last night, and while I was praying, this blog kept coming to my mind. When I started it, it was all about healthy living and changes to support my health. It was more focused on fertility at the time, but my attitude of the TCM philosophy of whole body wellness certainly has carried over into my family's day to day life.

It's funny, but this whole health crisis has done so much good for our life. Ironic, isn't it? The thing that just devastated me...saved me. I remember HATING the phrase "everything happens for a reason" and although I don't like it, because it diminishes actual pain and hurt you are experiencing at the time, there is an element of truth to it.

Without POF, I would never have analyzed our lives and found healthier solutions. I certainly wouldn't have our son. I cannot FATHOM that! We rid our lives of so many unnecessary toxins like candles, air fresheners, cleaners, personal care products with known endocrine disruptors (HELLO INFERTILITY RED FLAG!!!) We've attempted to eat whole, organic foods, although I will admit, I am not as good as I once was in this department. Working full time, taking care of the kids, I fall prey to more packaged foods than I care to, but I AM more conscious of the ingredients that are in them at least.

Premature Ovarian failure was my wake up call. Although this blog is all about my journey with fertility and embryo donation, it started as my journey back to health and wellness, so I'm taking the reigns again...although I may not be taking back my ovaries, I am sharing how I took back my life!

Bookmark www.ewg.org This will be your new bible. Download Think Dirty on your smart phone. You will scan scan scan all your products at the store with this.

First - get rid of the crap in your home. Seriously. Get rid of it. Any candle, air freshener, fragrance warmer - trash it. TRASH it! These are the LEADING causes of infertility and indoor pollution. You want lovely scents, stick with a diffuser.

Next, get rid of your cleaners with harsh chemicals. They are bad for you. They are bad for your kids. They are bad for your pets. They are bad for the environment. You do NOT need harsh chemicals to have a safe, clean environment. Vinegar, baking soda, non toxic cleaners will be your best friend. I make no secret, I love Young Living, and Thieves cleaner is where it's at. Seriously. It's like $22 wholesale for a bottle of concentrate that makes 20 bottles. It works out to about a buck a bottle and it is SAFE. It's BY FAR the best cleaner I've ever used and if you look up clinical studies it cleans as effective as bleach, lysol or any others on the market. You will not find an organic, plant based, non toxic cleaner anywhere that cheap. It smells awesome, and my five year old is in charge of cleaning.

Your dryer sheets. Trash them. They release harmful chemicals, are horrid for the environment and have endocrine disrupting fragrances that you not only breathe in while you dry your clothes, but then you actually WEAR them against your skin. Use wool dryer balls like these. These will shorten your dry time by 15 minutes or so and reduce static cling. If you have issues with static, put a safety pin in one. If you like your clothes to smell good, drop some essential oil on there. Some of my favorites are Purification, Lavender or Orange. Buy them here.

Stick with safer laundry detergents. Thieves laundry detergent is great. Rockin Green detergent in great. We love using our Eco Egg. Make sure you get the fragrance free - it uses minerals and you can do about 720 loads for under $40. Super cheap and effective.

Essential Oils are the big thing in our family we use to support our wellness. Things like Thieves, which has clove (high on the ORAC index for antioxidant) is something we use to support our immune systems daily. These are the essential oils I hold near and dear after experimenting with a lot of brands and doing a lot of research. You can do more research on this brand here. I choose oils for my family's wellness because they can literally support every single body system naturally, effectively and safely when used properly. A brief 101 email course is here.

I always encourage people starting out to invest in a Premium Starter Kit because it's affordable and takes the guess work out of what you need starting out. It already has the diffuser, and has eleven essential oils and blends that are the most popular, daily use oils. As a wholesale member you're privvy to 24% off retail pricing on all their oils, wellness products, supplements, cleaners, personal care, makeup, etc. You also can opt to enroll in their essential reward program and can be plugged in to all our educational groups. It's the introductory offer Young Living has where you get about $360 worth of products for $160. Well worth the investment in my opinion (and by now you know how thrifty I am...) It's literally supported every single body system including our immune, respiratory, limbic, hormonal, endocrine, skeletal, muscular,etc helped promote restful sleep, supported concentration, focus, energy, mood...did I mention one of the blends is literally called Stress Away.

We also use elderberries as a way to support our immune system. I buy them whole and make syrup, but you can purchase it premade as well here. I follow the wellness mama's recipe for syrup as well as the gummies. I've tweaked her recipe to include NingXia and Thieves.

Elderberry NingXia Red Thieves gummies

1 cup elderberry syrup
1/4 cup NingXia red
1/4 cup hot water
1/4 cup gelatin powder
Thieves vitality essential oil
silicone gummy bear molds

Add gelatin to 1/4 cup room temperature NingXia Red and whisk together. Add 1/4 cup hot water to dissolve. Add one cup elderberry syrup and add five drops Thieves vitality.

This usually makes enough to fill the above gummy molds and two mini muffin pans halfway. I give my five year old three gummies, one year old one gummy, and my husband and myself have a muffin tin gummy.

As far as things I use to support my body overall, I've continued taking my Smarty Pants prenatal vitamins. I like these in particular because they use folate not folic acid. They also do not contain iron. As someone with hemochromatosis, I can't have iron.  Other pregnant and breastfeeding women supplement with other iron supplements in addition to this. Some popular ones I've heard of are Rainbow Light  or Vitmamin Code.

I take an awesome bio available calcium supplement called Super Cal Plus sourced from red algae. It's a Young Living product. I was also very happy with Garden of Life calcium. Both of those option have the appropriate D3, K2 and magnesium to make absorption of the calcium possible in your body. Do NOT take a calcium supplement without those three additional vitamins. It can lead to calcification of the arteries. Your body does not absorb in into the bones.

Another thing I've learned in regards to bone health is the important of silica. When I learned about POF and heard all the horror stories about osteopenia and osteoporosis, everyone just stressed calcium. They are all not the same (see above) but no one told me about the PRECURSOR to your bones building themselves. They need silica to convert into collagen to convert into bones. Mind blown. A lot of the meds on the market harden your bones. What does that do...well, think of a vase. You drop it. It shatters. Do you want your bones doing that? Bones should be malleable. You want them strong, but they are living.

Look into a high quality silica. I use Biosil. I buy the drops like this and put them in capsules like this. You can also buy premade capsules of Biosil like this...making my own is just more cost effective ;) You can also drink Diatomaceous Earth. That's right - dirt!! It's incredibly high in silica which is beneficial for bones, teeth, nails and hair. Also, very cheap! Be sure you get food grade! You can also mix a grass fed collagen like the gelatin powder listed in the gummy recipe to up your collagen intake as well. A lot of people are deficient in magnesium so if the calcium above still don't do the trick, I recommend epsom salt baths (magnesium is absorbed best through the skin) or using Natural Calm Magnesium. You can also get a magnesium oil to rub on your feet at night before bed.

I take a high quality fish oil. I use Young Living's OmegaGize, but you can also get a great plant based DHA/EPA called Deva that is a vegan formulation. I like the OmegaGize also has CoQ10, which was important to my health before. I do take Vitamin C from Young Living as well, but I'm sure there are some great additional ones on the market.

I have started to embrace Apple Cider Vinegar. Bragg is an excellent brand that is raw and unfilited. It has the mother in it. I didn't put a link, because it's cheaper at a grocery store than online. You can just drink a bit in warm water with honey.

I love love love Progessence Plus. It is a Young Living serum, and it contains wild yam. Do your research on wild yam and see if it'd be beneficial to you. There are several supplements they have to support hormonal health, but as a nursing mom, I choose to wait until I wean my son to do anything that'd support hormonal function. I'm trusting God is keeping things running smoothly to keep my milk coming.

Whew...I think that is all the key things. I'm sure throughout the next few days I'll keep thinking of more and come back to edit and add. We've really come to view our bodies as things we support BEFORE there are issues. I equate it to a car. You fuel it up. It runs. You change the oil. It keep ticking. You rotate and air the tires. They work. You don't...disaster. The engine burns out. You get a flat tire. A small $2 fix turns into a $2000 fix.

I encourage you to get some exercise. Get your sleep. Meditate or pray. Practice preventative care. Find your happy. I started this journey to find health and happiness, and although it's a constant journey, I've learned so much along the way about self love.

In other news, I've a chest full of milk and found a wonderful organization called Human Milk 4 Human Babies. If you are on Facebook and overproduce, or under produce, look up your state. I feel so at peace that some of my excess milk is helping a little guy who was born 12 weeks premature. There are so many babies in need and so many moms who want to help people out who don't produce enough.

God bless!

A chance meeting

Jan. 8, 2018

I'm nearing four years since my diagnosis. Last night, I went back through all my emails from my doctor to see the exact day. Jan. 14 was the day I received the email with haywire hormonal levels. New Years is always the time it's all kind of fresh in my thoughts. It was New Year's Eve I took a pregnancy test to judge if I could have a glass of champagne, so those feelings of excitement at being pregnant and then all the emotions that followed of a miscarriage, then not...to being irriversably infertile, to embryo donation to mommyhood again. Quite the journey. People offer condolenses all the time and I say "Don't." Sure, it sucked at the time, but I wouldn't have my son. I'd live that day over and over and over again knowing I get to hold this precious boy in my arms.

Yesterday in the nursery at church another mom asked me where S gets his curly hair. 

Typically, I just comment how genes are funny or something to not get into the whole thing of it in passing, but for some reason I responded “Well, he has a unique story...” and shared our journey. Her eyes filled with tears and she told me her baby now was a complete surprise, but after her first they were diagnosed with secondary infertility. They’d done ivf for their second child and they’d leftover embryos. She’d heard of EDA but couldn’t bear to give their child away and they were going to donate them to science, but after knowing me and seeing Seeley and me together she didn’t think she could. 

Their contract was up this month for storage and they had to make a decision very soon. She told me she'd never met someone who'd been involved in the process. Both of us teary eyed, I asked her to consider donation, that I couldn't fathom life without this little boy. I brushed those curly locks and said he wouldn't be alive without our donor's making a choice to donate.

She asked questions regarding our situation. If we were open, anonymous, and I answered them all. I offered to set her up in support groups for mixed or just donors if she wanted. She didn't know if there were enough recipients out there and I reassured her there were dozens of couples, women and even men waiting for every donor that opted to donate. 

Her husband and herself had been going back and forth for months and had come to the decision he would draw up the paperwork and make a decision without her knowledge so she could be at peace. After us talking, she told me she was going to talk to her husband, and she felt clear on what she should do. Tearfully, she said God put me in her path. Tearfully, I told her the Spirit prompted me to share our story, because typically, I don't tell it in passing. I’m so glad I shared with her. I’d no idea. I’m glad she was open to it, and I hope another family is blessed. I pray they donate and bless a family and allow those precious little embryos a chance at life to run and thrive like my little boy. He's such a blessing. So loved. So cherished. So full of life and love.

I'm so blessed. God is good.

Dear Embryo Donor

Dear Anonymous Embryo Donor,

You don't know me. I may just look like an average woman on the street. Maybe you see me hurried to get my son to school or hear my laughter ring out. You may see me smiling with friends or waiting in a grocery line. But, that isn't all of me.

You haven't seen my tears or seen me crumble in a pile asking God why. You haven't heard my prayers or glimpsed the pain in my eyes at yet another negative test. You don't know the burden on my heart or my marriage... You changed that.

You have blessed me. You have dried my eyes. You have answered my prayers. You have put a glint of happiness in my eyes and joy into my heart.

Dear donor, you have allowed me to once again feel that optimism of a positive pregnancy test. You have allowed me that moment of utter delight and tears or joy to see that flicker of a heart and hear that beautiful beat. You've given me the chance to experience the exhaustion, the sickness, the discomfort of growing a baby, and I'm grateful. You have allowed me to feel my baby move around inside me, taking my breath away with each kick. You have allowed me the utter amazement as I look at an ultrasound and count ten little fingers and ten little toes. See a little nose and mouth, legs and arms. You have given me the gift of childbirth - each mind boggling contraction bringing forth absolutely raw emotion and unmatched strength I didn't know I was capable of. You allowed me to see my incredible boy being brought into this world. To hold his slippery little body against my chest as his cord stopped pumping. For his father to cut the cord and stare at amazement at his son. To look into his big brown eyes and kiss every inch of his perfect little body. You have allowed me to feed him and sustain him. To hug him and cuddle him.

You have allowed me the honor or waking up to feed him, calm him, change him and love him. Utterly exhausted, I'm still grateful to catch a glimpse of his sweet face as he nurses by moonlight, to breathe in his unmistakable scent as I rock him to sleep, to feel that soft tickle of his hair against my chin.

You have allowed me the honor of calming him when he is tired. Hugging him when he is scared. Consoling him when he is inconsolable. You have granted me the privilege of caring for him when he is sick, fighting for him when he is helpless and loving him with every ounce of my being.

You have graced me with the gift of his laughter and his wide bright smile that lights up a room. You have let me be amazed by his strength, his easy demeanor and his endless chatter.

Dear donor, I will never be able to look you in the eyes and thank you from the very core of my being for such a selfless gift. You undoubtedly questioned what to do. You most likely wondered if a family could love your babies as much as you could. You may have considered destroying your embryos or donating them to science. You may have wavered wondering if you could do it. Let them go. You may have cried, questioned, cursed, yelled.

Thank you for your selflessness. Thank you for blessing our family with the gift of a child. Thank you for blessing our son with a life. An opportunity to grow, love, live. We will always let him know he was conceived, in love. You loved him so much you gave him an opportunity at life. He was wanted from day one. By you. By us. He will know how much we yearned for him. Prayed for him. He will know he is loved by all of us.

I look at my son and tears spring to my eyes on a daily basis knowing had you made a different decision, he would not exist. That is unfathomable to me. He is perfect. He is special. He is loved. I know with every fiber of my being our son was intended for us by God. He is with us for a reason.

Dear donor. Thank you. We love you. We pray for you.

You may look like an average man and woman on the street...but you are more. You are our angels. God bless you always.