Essential Oils

April 21, 2019

Happy Easter! I hope you all had a blessed day. He. Is. Risen.

I get a lot of messages regarding essential oils. If you've been following me for a time, you know I'm pretty much obsessed with them. We use them for everything. To support our sleep, immune systems, tummies, relaxation, stress, the list goes on...and on...and on.

People always want to know what oils I use FOR POF. Here's the thing. I don't. Way back when I was diagnosed, I started seeing a Chinese medicine doctor and he explained it so eloquently. Our bodies are pretty darn awesome. I'd been accustomed, and had been taught that you go to the doctor when something is wrong. Most people do. The problem is...something is wrong. We're slapping a bandaid on a symptom. Now, I am NOT opposed to the doctor. I am not opposed to medicines or therapies or any of that. My son was the result of science and good medicine (thank you Lord!) but I AM opposed to overuse of medications and "slapping a bandaid" on a condition that throws your body further out of line.

Essential oils are part of that mentality shift that I had that day. I started approaching my full body wellness from the perspective of taking care of myself. I equate it with a car. If you never change the oil, it runs out...the motor burns out. Investing in oil changes, inexpensive long term. If you never fill it with gas, it stops. If you never air the tires, it goes flat, bends the rims, big dollars, right?

Essential oils are an incredible support to help your body operate the way that it should. We use them to help support our immune systems before we are compromised. If your immune system is nice and strong, your IMMUNE system karate chops the germs it comes in to contact with. Will you never, ever, get sick, no. Let's be real, BUT, a strong functioning immune system means you are less susceptible, and if you DO get sick, it may not be as severe or as long. Before diagnosis, I was ill more than I was healthy. Now, not so. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've gotten sick in the last five years. My son, hasn't missed a day of school in four years. My 2 1/2 year old has missed three days (and yes, he goes to daycare!)

Why do I think that is? We try to keep their little bodies running - we use our oils to support them, we diffuse, we pay attention to washing hands, slathering them up with hand purifier, we take our probiotics daily for healthy guts (hello, 90% of immune function resides in the gut) we add elderberry syrup during icky times of the year, we try to eat healthy foods (sweet, sassy molassy, today was a disaster on that front, and the amount of tantrums and tears reminded me WHY we don't eat that much sugar in this house!! Can I get an Amen?!?) We use oils in our diffuser ever night to help support sleep because a well rested body is a healthier body. We use them when we feel unfocused or stressed and are "spiraling" to help calm down. Lower stress levels help keep our bodies healthier.

If we have minor grievances, we reach for oils to help feel better, to help relax, to help drift off to sleep. So, no, I do not use oils to cure POF. I use essential oils to help my body stay in a place of wellness. Like my Chinese medicine doctor told me...if my whole body is health, my whole body is, well, healthy.

Now, that said, I do use a variety of their oils from their hormonal support line to help support my body. I love their Sclaressence, Lady Sclaerol and Progessence Plus. They've specific supplements like FemiGen, PD 80/20, Coristop, Endoflex, etc that are formulated to help support our endocrine systems, hormonal systems, etc. I feel like that should be a whole other blog post! If you are on Facebook, find the group Lucy Libido Says. Search hormones and there is a fabulous video! Only women are allowed in that group.

We are also vigilant about the products we use. We only use Thieves household cleaner, baking soda, vinegar and castile soap. I use all of Young Living's skincare and dental care, their makeup (honestly, that make up is crazy awesome.) I use a lot of their supplements and others I've listed throughout my blog. We use BPA free plastics, our little eco egg washer minerals (make sure you get FRAGRANCE FREE!! It does 720 loads and is less that $30)

We ditched all products with fragrance. Yup, no more candles, cleaners, dryer sheets (get wool dryer balls - ahhhmazing!) We use only mineral sunscreen - Young Living has an awesome one. We also like Think Baby. We try to do organic as much as we can, but strict to the clean fifteen and dirty dozen pretty religiously. I use EWG and Think Dirty almost daily and analyze ingredients to no end. People think I'm nutty, but doctors think this crazy disease was environmental, and looking at how prevalent infertility and a host of other things like autoimmune conditions, anxiety, depression, eczema, even cancers have become, why put any darn think on my or my children's bodies that have harmful ingredients when there are safer options.

And, I'm not saying all chemicals are toxic. Chemicals are good. You drink water right? Breathe air? Chemicals. What I am saying is synthetic garbage that is formulated in factories isn't intended to be broken down by our bodies. Not at the rate we are using them. Think of your body like a washing machine. If you are doing your laundry, it may seem like you never finish, and that washer may be going constantly, but it gets through those piles (I know, doesn't seem like it.) BUT, if the entire block was dropping off their clothing, pretty soon, you'd be overrun. Even if that washer is going constantly, it will never get through all the loads of laundry. Your body is like that. It can only go through so much.

Endocrine disruptions? Medically and scientifically proven. Cancers? Medically and scientifically proven. They list ingredients that are KNOWN to cause them. Still in your products. Still in your facewash and moisturizer and antiperspirants and shampoos and hairsprays and makeup and cleaners and the list goes on. So, I decided that as long as I can control what comes in to my home, I will.

The oils are use are Young Living's. I tried a ton. Many brands and many varieties. These were the ones that number one, worked the best for me, but also the company I trusted. You can read more about them here. 

Membership with them is easy, and there are no strings. It's simply 24% off retail. No monthly orders required. No selling required. You can do both of course, but it isn't required and you never get pressure. Pressure isn't my style. Learn what membership is here. We've a boatload of educational groups and you get me as your oily guru. I love helping people and educating them and am always available. Signing up with Young Living requires a sponsor - enter me. Follow this link to sign up directly. Or, follow this link to learn more about all the kit options.

The most common way to sign up is with a premium starter kit. There are four options. Makeup (our Savvy line is incredible!) Thieves thieves everywhere. Ningxia Red. Or, oils. Oils are usually the fan favorite because the kit is a $411 value and is only $165. It already HAS the diffuser and comes with 12 oils, the hand purifier, sample pack of the cleaner and two packs of Ningxia red. So, basically the whole shebang to get started. That membership gives you 24% off retail on ALL their products, not just oils, enables you to join essential rewards which allows you to earn up to 25% back, get cheaper shipping, additional monthly free promotional oils and rewards you loyalty oils at 3,6,9 and 12 months. You can also participate in their events, and it gives you access to all our member educational groups. It's a smokin' deal.

This is the premium starter kit with oils. I suggest the desert mist diffuser. It's absolutely gorgeous. It runs ten hours (yay if you have kiddos you want to help sleep) has 11 light settings, or dark and can run intermittently or steadily. The oils included are carefully selected to help support all your physical and emotional support needs.

So, there ya have it. Essential oils rock. Young Living rocks. All their lifestyle products and supplements rock. Everything I was buying elsewhere, now here. I'm an open book about oils, so feel free to message me anytime. I'm always excited when people take a step toward better health, so when you sign up, shoot me a message so I can add you to our Facebook groups and get you your welcome gift in the mail. It has some goodies and educational materials to get you started. Tell me "blogger" and I will place a $10 account credit on your account so you can try a healthier product on me.

I'll try to include more blog posts about essential oils. I didn't realize how many people wanted to know more about them. If you want me to focus on certain aspects of them, how they work, what they are which ones I use and how, lemme know.

God bless! I hope you had an incredible Easter and am super stoked for you all to find all the benefits these beauties offer.

Bone Health

March 17, 2019

Alright, I've been honestly stressing out about all of this. It is echoing in my head. My bones depleted by 7% these last three years. Holy crud. In that time, I was basically pregnant or on hormones trying to get pregnant about a year...so I had the estrogen. Yikes. I'm also dealing with severely recessed gums. Last dentist exam instead of the usual, wow, your teeth are amazing, she said my oral hygiene wasn't as good. Excuse me? I brush a bazillion times per day, floss, use mouth wash. My gums are recessing faster. I have pockets. It's due to no estrogen.

I basically need to stick it out one more month to get the babies I donate breastmilk to, to one year. After that, I think I may need to bite the bullet and start the bioidenticals. My own son really only nurses morning and night now. When he's home, he will nurse at nap time or for emotional comfort. I think cutting back the pumping will help my body regain some nutrients. Pumping an extra 24-30 oz is a lot for a body to do. My endocrinologist did say some bone density will return once I wean.

I started taking the new calcium along with my other one. So now, I take two Young Living Super Cal Plus, two Garden of Life Raw Calcium. The Garden of life has the stronium in it, but a very, very small dose. I will start their Grow Bone once I wean. The reviews are fantastic and my endo gave me the go ahead. I also just started the Young Living BLM supplement. It has the glucosamine sulfate and collagen. I'm keeping up with the Biosil and current collagen I'm on as well. In a support group, someone mentioned taking Boron as well. Lo and behold, I did some research and very promising info. The raw calcium does have some, but since I'm doing a half dose of that, I did get a 3 mg supplement.

My sister in law suggested two workout sets, so I ordered these and these as well. The kiddos and I have been doing our exercises at night, I've been doing weights a few times a week, and I've been very diligent about making sure to at least take 20 minutes a day for a brisk walk. I'm doing jumping jacks every time I get up to get a drink or go to the bathroom from work, squatting holding my son, anything to fit in extra weight bearing exercise.

I think I feel panicky because I'm not doing everything I can, but I'm not emotionally done nursing and my son is nowhere near emotionally or physically done. I keep weighing my long term health vs where we're at now. I can't supplement with herbs or supplements, I'm nervous starting BHRT... Ugh. I just need to take a breath. The reality is, a few extra months won't do long term damage. I just need to do what I can and trust. I can start on the BHRT once I'm done donating. "Normal" women have estrogen in their blood and milk all the time...granted this isn't naturally produced, but the effects are the same. I absolutely despise I need medication. I pray for no ill effects.

I just want my body to cooperate...

On a lighter note...still meal kit obsessed! LOL We got our second Sunbasket delivery and it was delicious! Well, we all agreed the sesame crusted tuna and salmon nicoise was. I thought the blackened tempeh was ok, my husband was a hard no. Ah well. I knew it was taking a chance. I'm trying to shift more plant based. For my initial Sunbasket review go here.  So far, that is the one I've been most impressed by overall.

I'm excited to try out Hello Fresh this week. Stay tuned ;)

Infertility Warrior

March 15, 2019

When I started this journey five years ago, I was broken. Completely and utterly broken. I was an emotional and physical wreck. When they say infertility destroys you...it does. Sure, I'm still dealing with some physical ramifications of my diagnosis, but emotionally, I'm on top. I kept meaning to come on here and talk about my experience speaking at a Young Living rally back in July, and, well, life got the best of me. But, it was incredibly powerful.

I was asked to speak at a Lucy Libido rally. Lucy is a fictional character that was derived from the experiences of dozens of women who transformed their lives through emotional and physical growth. "Lucy" knew I'd had an amazing journey, resulting in my beautiful son, and asked if I'd be willing to come give a 30 minute talk. Gulp. I would be speaking at the Grammy museum in front of a few hundred women. Now, some back story...I'm an actor. So, being in front of people hiding behind a character and script, totally cool. Standing up and talking about my most private and painful journey, terrifying as hell (pardon my language.)

I was asked if I'd share my infertility journey. That was it. Ok... Well, so many directions. So, after a lot of soul searching, I told it. No holds barred. I honestly didn't know how people would react, but often, what I have to say isn't that popular.

The reality is, there is no "reason" for my infertility. I have no autoimmune issues, I have no genetic ties, I have no history of chemotherapy or radiation. I was told that it was environmental. My journey started there. What did I do? You can read back for all the details, but the honest to God truth was I simply overhauled our lives and got rid of all the junk I felt was contributing to my issues. The candles, the fragrances, the personal care products I was slathering on my body, the foods that are simply riddled with chemicals, the horrendous cleaners... I simplified. What I found was, I started feeling better. In fact, my kidney function improved. Drastically.

One of the areas I branched out into, was essential oils and wellness products. I reached for cleaner products that I knew weren't going to jack up my endocrine system more than it already was. I wanted things that didn't create or worsen my overall health.  I found a preventative approach was far more ideal than chasing symptoms later on.

I won't regurgitate my speech, but here are the bullet points.

*Get rid of the junk. ALL the junk. Focus on clean products. Plant based safe cleaners, personal care products without the junk, wholesome foods. Simply, get rid of the junk. Anything synthetically derived, in most cases, is just not good for you. Yes, we have a liver. Yes, we have kidneys, but look at your body like your laundry. If you are doing your laundry, you can get to the bottom of the pile. But if your entire block keeps dropping their laundry off...no matter how many loads you do, you can't catch up. You keep piling up all that junk in your body, it gets overrun. It's called bio-accumulation. I have medical records where I watched my kidney function improve drastically over the last several years. It was a rise from impaired kidney function to great kidney function. I believe wholeheartedly it was from removing the superfluous crud in my home.

*Take care of your body. Exercise. Eat right. Focus on whole foods. If you can't do organic, stick with non-GMO, the clean 15 and dirty dozen. Choose supplements wisely, cleanly and ones that nourish. We all need probiotics. We need antioxidants. We need omegas.

*Take care of your emotional wellness. At the rally, an amazing speaker, Dr. Benjamin Perkus, was there talking about the Aroma Freedom Technique. The reality is, if you're dealing with infertility, you have a lot of emotional baggage. We NEED a place to release it. Let it go. I love what he has to say. If that isn't your cup of tea, go to a therapist. I do. I need a place to work through all my feelings. There is nothing shameful about self care.

*You are not a victim. Listen up. You are NOT A VICTIM. I was most worried about talking about this, but DAMN! Ladies, you are the strongest, most capable, amazing women! We can choose to let our diagnosis or the cruddy hand we are dealt ruin us...or we can choose to stand up straight and make it work. You want to be a mom. You will be. Do NOT let this crappy diagnosis rob you of your happiness. Do you hear me? There are so many ways to motherhood. Natural conception, donor egg, sperm donation, foster to adopt, adoption, surrogacy, embryo donation. I believe with my entire heart and soul my son was destined to be mine. MINE. This is MY son. Mine. I would not have him without POF and I wouldn't trade that for the world. Ever.

Speaking at that rally, was exactly what I needed. I met so many incredible women and it reminded me how painful it is when you are in the trenches. I saw women sobbing in the crowd. So many women came up to me after and shared their stories. I was later asked to speak in a Facebook group of 135k plus women and once again found such amazing women. I've been asked to speak at a rally this September in San Diego. I'm working out he dates now, but have found a great sense of fulfillment.

Listen ladies, and gentlemen. Infertility bites. Ok. It bites. But, we can CHOOSE if we let it destroy us. We can choose how we react to things. We can choose if we will still be parents. Please, do not let infertility rob you of motherhood or fatherhood. Genetics are NOT the be all end all. They aren't. They simply aren't. I have a biological child. I have one through embryo donation. I will say with 100% certainty. I love both my children the same. I have the same mama bear love, devotion and bond with both children. I am grateful, yes grateful, for my POF for that reason. Do I love the side effects or health issues, no. Would I trade them? No. I will take my son over perfect health any day. Any day.

If you are still hurting...I extend my heart and ear to you. Reach out. You are a warrior and you will come out on top.

God bless.

Endocrinologist Appointment

March 8, 2019

Well, yesterday I had the dreaded endocrinologist appointment following my DEXA scan, and the results weren't good. I knew I'd lost some bone mass, but was not prepared in the slightest to have my doctor walk in and suggest osteoporosis meds. Hard pass. My mouth dropped open.

As she reviewed my history she mentioned the last time I came in I had a two year old, to which I replied and I still do! Ha! Well, a six and a two year old. Her eyes got wide so I quickly chimed in through embryo donation...ahhhh. I also said I'm still nursing him and she got a bit quiet. Apparently, that took the osteoporosis med suggestion out of play since it's contraindicated.

Her next suggestion was estrogen therapy. I reminded her of my family history of estrogen driven cancers and added that since our last meeting my mom had also had uterine cancer and female cousin (40) had breast cancer. Again, she got quiet.

She was obviously deeply concerned, and I will hand it to her. She spent a lot of time while we hashed out and weighed all the options. She doesn't want me at risk for breast cancer, but at the rate my bones are deteriorating, I'd be in grave danger. As it stands, I'm still nursing so medications and even my herbal route from before are out.

She told me, very seriously, that I needed to make sure I was getting 1200 mg of calcium and 1000-2000 of Vitamin D a day. She said it could be from food or supplement, but I needed to ensure I was getting that much.

I've been taking Young Living's Super Cal Plus. The calcium levels are lower, but my understanding is it's more bioavailable to the body. As I researched calciums, the issue is a lot of people JUST take calcium or JUST calcium and D3. As I learned more about calcium, I started to see how controversial it is. Now, the controversy seems to be because people are just taking calcium supplements. Calcium by itself isn't absorbed by your body and what happens is it floats around and gathers in your arteries. This is what causes calcification and morphs into heart disease. In order for your bones to actually absorb the calcium, there needs to be adequate levels of calcium, D3, K2 and magnesium. People tend to overlook the K2 and magnesium. The Super Cal plus has all of them. It's enriched with essential oils that help make it more bioavailable and absorb better. I also like it is an algae sourced calcium.

I've also been drinking protein shakes that are calcuim rich. I add fortified almond milk, Orgain Superfoods protein powder and one scoop of Young Living's Balance complete which is higher in the calcium and fiber.

In addition to that, I looked more into Young Living's BLM. This one has glucosamine sulfate, collagen, MSM, Manganese and essential oils. As I broke down the ingredients, glucosamine sulfate has promising research that it can help bones heal faster. I haven't tried it yet, but put it on this month's order.

Another supplement I reviewed with my endocrinologist is strontium. Now, I've researched it before, but when I looked it up, it was suggested not to take while nursing, so I haven't taken it. When I brought it up though, she right away said she knew about it, there was promising stuff she knew about people using it in Australia and that since it wasn't FDA approved (it's a supplement) she couldn't prescribe it, but was totally fine with my taking it. Score.

Now, a heads up, when you google this one, strontium ranelate will pop up with red flags...THAT is a medication. Here is the deal when it comes to drugs and pharmaceuticals. You cannot market a natural mineral (like strontium.) In order to make money, drug companies must take a chemical constituent in a naturally occurring substance, make a synthetic version and THEN patent it. Ranelic acid is the synthetic compound used to create this drug. NATURAL strontium that is used in supplements in strontium citrate. As long as you are taking more calcium than strontium citrate, there have not been ANY adverse reactions reported in over 100 years.

I dug around and found a few good sources of natural strontium. Here is one and here. I love the GARDEN OF LIFE vitamin products and use this one for my multi vitamin. Now, I use the 50 and wise version because there is no iron. I have hemochromatosis so I can't have iron. If you need iron, search one of their other varieties.

So, my battle plan is to do weights a few times of week, be diligent walking and working out and once I wean my son start a bioidentical hormone therapy. I agreed to do a very low dose BHRT with a transdermal patch. She was going to prescribe oral, but I asked if transdermal would work. I want to bypass the liver processing the meds and lower my risk of blood clot and she agreed. It was funny, but when I asked for a bioidentical hormone she said my insurance didn't cover it. I said, I'm certain it does. She went on to explain they've no compounding pharmacies and was kind enough to humor me...so I pulled up this website and showed her that the FDA actually has several approved bioidentical hormones. The crazy part is the one she was going to prescribe was on there. Yay!

Here is the website so you can reference it. There are a lot of bioidentical ones available on the market that are covered by insurance so you don't have to spend hundreds a month at a compounding pharmacy.

I'm giving a shout out to my sister in law at Pod Performance. Beth is awesome. I text her asking for some recommendations on bone building workouts that would fit in my schedule (aka, no time at all.) She gave me a few suggestions that I could do when the kids were in the tub, when I was making dinner, etc. I need to make my bone health a priority, but have been freaking out how to fit it all in. Check out her page! 

After weaning, I will also start using my strontium supplement and a few other Young Living ones that are intended to support healthy hormones like Femigen and PD80/20. PD80/20 has DHEA which is the precurser to testosterone. There have been some positive studies about that one and bone health as well.

Right now, I'm using my calcium in addition to Ningxia red, multi greens, Life 9 probiotic, sulfurzyme, omegagize fish oil, Biosil  and a great collagen called Aminosculpt. I was diligently taking my minerals, and need to start that back up. I love Vital Earth's Fulvic Humic blend. It's not salty at all!

It was a discouraging day to say the least, but at least I've a game plan. I'm really upset I have to resort to medications, but I feel incredibly blessed that I had a doctor who listened to me, respected me, agreed with my concerns and found an option that I think is the best and safest method. How awesome is that?!

We considered my starting the BHRT now, but we both were a bit leery as I'm breastfeeding. The only contraindication really seems to be that my supply could dry up. BUT, as with any med, some gets in the breast milk, and we're talking about a hormone, soooo.... Makes me nervous. I'm also a milk donor. I don't want to mess with "stuff" in my milk that is going to another child.

I talked with the baby's mom yesterday about my doctor's visit. She actually watched my oldest while I went so he didn't have to sit in the waiting room with flu and colds and everything else! I talked to her about my visit and the options presented and she was too sweet to say that if I had to stop providing milk, my health came first. I told her following through to get her babies (she has twins - the boy relies on my milk) to a year is my goal and I'd committed that to her. They turn a year April 20th! A month and a half isn't going to make or break my bone health! I DID tell her though that at a year, I'd begin weaning from the pump. I don't mind my son nursing as long as he wants, but on some days I'm producing upwards of 30 oz for her. That's a lot of milk.

Something else I talked about with my endocrinologist is the fact I'd read about how breastfeeding can lower bone density temporarily and she verified that. When I'm done nursing, some bone density should come back. Not all I've lost, but a bit. That was reassuring.

Well, I've rambled long enough. It was a very emotional day. I feel so frustrated. My health overall, is good. I feel great. I've never been healthier. I don't get sick. I've good energy. And then this... I've no control over it and it's so frustrating and disheartening. I'm very type A in control and not having it...UGH!

As always, God Bless!

Ugh Hormone Reality

October 26, 2018

Well, I bit the bullet and got my hormone panel run. I'll be honest, things have been stressful. I've been getting very little sleep, dealing with an ill fur baby, teaching several essential oil classes every week, rolling out new acting projects, working a full time job, doing the whole PTA thing, just wrapped a huge church event I was helping run AND trying to be as present as possible with my family. To say I've been stretched thin is an understatement. And, my body is apparently feeling it. Here I am educating people on healthy choices, completely running myself into the ground. Isn't that the way it goes? I make sure my kids are taken care of - good food, oiled up, adequate sleep...do I do the same for myself? Um, nope.

Oddly enough, other than a few hot flashes here and there, I've felt like my hormones were doing ok. I've attributed my lack of energy, poor focus and being short tempered to stress.  I've my little oil and supplement regimen, and apparently it's been working well enough to take the edge off, because I honestly haven't felt poorly and haven't been getting sick constantly like before. So, when I got my hormone panel, my spirits sank.

FSH 161.2
Estradiol <10 pg/ml

Right to the gut. I can't aggressively do anything homeopathic because I'm nursing. A lot of herbal supplements contain herbs I'm not comfortable using while breastfeeding. I know this is a poor excuse for not exercising or sleeping as I should, but I honestly can't find the time. It's clear I need to look at a bioidentical hormone replacement therapy of some sort. I need to think of long term health - bones, heart, mind... I'm also praying I can let my day job go or cut hours drastically. I'm on the verge of just being able to focus on essential oil education and acting. That brings such joy to me and oh man...if I could do something fulfilling with my time, that'd alleviate so much stress for me.

I do NOT want to wean. That, I am sure. I'm wondering if a hormone therapy will decrease milk supply. That will be fine for my son...I think he will still get plenty, but I'm feeling massive guilt. I've been donating milk the last year and have a long term family. There are twins, one with some physical and cognitive issues that I provide milk for everyday. I've been able to give him 16-24 oz per day and it's been beneficial for him. He doesn't tolerate formulas well. I know this may decrease my supply and I already know how stressed his mom is about trying to feed him and / or afford formulas. Ugh.

I've been crying this morning. I just feel so emotional about it all.

S, my sweet (almost) two year old is such a smart, inquisitive, headstrong little guy. He's incredibly smart, and it's been eye opening how that presents it's own challenges. People think he's three or four, but he's not even two. So, although he can communicate like an older child with full sentences and insightful questions, great memory, he even plays sports like an older child, catching, throwing, hitting, kicking, and impressively so...He'll sing songs, recite his alphabet, prayers and colors,...all these things that sound "impressive" or braggy, but my point is...he's not even two.  People don't know how to deal with him all the time, because emotionally, he's still a toddler. So, he does all these big boy things, and he has BIG feelings. Big. And, he doesn't know how to process them all the time. I think it's scary for him, so he has big reactions. I've found just holding him and hugging him until he can get control helps, but not everyone understands that. They yell or get frustrated with him and it absolutely breaks my heart. I know his emotions will catch up with that bright little mind of his, but until it does, I'm just so on edge advocating for him, making people try to understand he needs extra love and reassurance. He doesn't need grumbling and complaining and telling me he's acting out. One day that headstrong little personality will run an empire, of this I'm sure. I definitely don't need to worry about him and peer pressure...he'll tell those peers right where to go.

R, my oldest is dealing with his own set of needs. Kindergarten has been eye opening. There are a lot of children out there, I can't say mean spirited, because I don't think any child is, but who definitely have been shaped by different experiences. I feel like I'm constantly trying to encourage him to be strong in who he is, unique and proud. I've certainly gotten my first taste of having to let go and watch him struggle, and I'll be honest, it sucks. You have to let them live their life, and I need to step back and both equip him with social skills to stand up for himself, but not overstep. It's been a tightrope. He also is at an age where he is finding himself, his independence and that can have it's own set of challenges. He too, is very bright, and his TK program well equipped him, so there is a lot of review this year. The days he falls down to a lower color (behavioral chart) are the days we find he's "bored" and reviewing things. I want to swoop in there and tell the teacher to challenge him vs reprimand him, but again, gotta let the teacher do their job. Yeesh, this motherhood thing is tough.

Well, I'm clearly an emotional mess today. lol So, excuse my musings. Overall, life is good. I'm just grappling with how to take care of myself health wise in the best way possible.

I KNOW I do not want certain HRT. I am SO strongly opposed to medications derived from horse urine...from a moralistic standpoint, google how those are created. Animal cruelty plain and simple. I also don't agree with how so many synthetic hormones are metabolized in the body and not processed correctly leading to other issues and having various side effects. I know there are some good bioidenticals out there, just I'm not sure at this point if my insurance covers them.

Ah well, one foot in front of the other. I'm sure the answers will be presented. They always are. I haven't turned to prayer yet, so perhaps instead of my mind spinning...that is where I should start. Let go and let God...

Blessings.

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24, 2018

A friend posted today about National Infertility Awareness Week and I was embarrassed to admit, I'd completely forgotten it was this week. I was glad for the reminder. I never want to forget or let other people forget that part of myself. It's shaped me into who I am and has blessed me beyond measure with my son. I also want people to know it's not abnormal. It should be isolating or embarrassing. One in eight people suffer from infertility and it's still taboo. It is personal on so many levels. It's a person's inherent right to reproduce. It's biology. To not be capable..it just plain hurts. It's suffering. It's loss. It's expensive. It's difficult on a marriage. It's getting your hopes up time and time again to have them dashed. It's suffering. It's pain. It's crying. It's confusion. It's anger. It's all those things wrapped into one.

I remember the day I was told I had premature ovarian failure and it was denial. The doctor must be wrong. I asked what they'd do about it. I mean...it was medicine. There was always an answer, right? Always a treatment. Always a next step. But no, nothing. Not a thing. Nothing. I remember hanging up and sobbing. How could this be?

You only need to look back at my blog entries to relive my journey. What I want to talk about today is my silver lining, because four years ago, I would never have believed there was one.

I'm glad for my infertility. There, I said it. Do I still catch myself thinking "if only it was that easy" to get pregnant? Sure. If only it wasn't so expensive? Sure. If only it didn't require, needles and pain and contracts and heartbreak? Sure. BUT, it was MY journey to get MY son.

In the support groups and the first thing everyone asks me who is toying with the idea of embryo donation asks me is "do you love him the same?" Or, "Did you ever worry if you'd love him like your own?" I think it's a legitimate question. It's a real question. I had the same one.

Yes! Oh my goodness yes. I wish I could shout from the rooftops and take over the internet to say, yes yes yes! You will LOVE this baby. This baby IS yours. He or she IS your own. DNA makeup means nothing in the scheme of love. I grew up with step parents and siblings - they aren't my blood, but they ARE my family. My son is not my DNA, but I will tell you this with all the mama bear certainty there is in the world, he IS my son. There is not a fiber of my being that can deny that. I'm a firm believer in God, and our God is an awesome God. I know that S was part of our family from the beginning and it was God's hand that placed him here. I cannot fathom a life without him in it. Our family wouldn't be the same. He is ours and we are his.

I want to reassure any of you out there contemplating any type of adoption or donor assisted birth, it will not matter. It won't. At all. I'm a rarity that I have a biological son and an embryo donated son. The love I have for both is the same. That protectiveness? The same. The I would lay down my life for them in a second? The same. I grew them in me. I birthed them. I nursed them. I've stayed up all night when they are sick, cried with them, laughed with them, been covered in their puke, pee, poop and snot and worried relentlessly over them.

I thank God everyday for the path that was laid for me. I don't begrudge God for it. I don't get mad over it. I don't wish it differently. I can't. To wish away my struggle would be to wish away my son.

For all of you women and men out there in the thick of it, my heart is with you. It hurts. I pray you find an answer to grow your family and extend to anyone wanting to know more about embryo donation that my door is always open. Love and peace your way.

#IAm1in8

April 14, 2018

April 14, 2018

Baby boy is 17 months! Wowza! We are still breastfeeding and going strong. In fact, I'm drowning in milk. I intentionally didn't pump this time thinking it'd tame my supply, but I was wrong. So, I gave up and started pumping, just for a few minutes a day because my breasts had marks from expressing. I've a freezer full and have been blessed enough to be donating to two families. One with a NICU miracle and one with a poor sweet baby who has horrendous eczema. Her mom suffers from a hormonal imbalance, and her breast milk was passing it to her baby. She came to pick up milk just covered in scales, bleeding. I felt horrible for her and worse for her poor baby girl. Thankfully, the milk seems to be helping. I've two dear friends on bedrest - one in the hospital since 27 weeks, the other just released from the hospital on strict bedrest now 31 weeks with twins. If either needs milk, I'll help. I figure, I can introduce pumping a bit if needed. Not my ideal long term, but feasible. I've a chest freezer full so my guy will have ample supply, even if I ever need to stop. It's strange, but since I started donating, I feel it's my civic duty so I don't mind pushing it for a bit of an oversupply. I was never able to donate blood because I was too petite and have hemochromatosis which nixed my chances, so I guess breastmilk is the next best thing, right?

I'm feeling pretty good. I've found if I forget to do my regimen of progessence plus and sclaressence I tend to feel it. I've also started including vitex (20 drops of a tincture) and two capsules of organic shatavari root per day to help support my hormonal system. I'd used them previously, and thought these two would be good to start up again as symptoms started increasing. They are both breastfeeding safe (of course chat with YOUR doctor should you choose to use them.) I've found when I follow my little protocol hot flashes and night sweats are diminished. Still keeping on with my other supplements. OmegaGize, Super Cal Plus, SmartyPants prenatals, Biosil and a Fulvic humeric blend of minerals, Natural Calm, NingXia red and my probiotic Life 9. I've started sulphurzyme once a day as well as it's high in MSM and wolfberry. I've started incoporating collagen as well to help with bone health. I still haven't had my follow up dexascan, but I'm feeling strong. It'll be interesting to see what it says when I go back.

The kids are great. S is a TALKER!! Holy moly! I've never heard a kid that young chatting up a storm. Full sentences and all. He's VERY smart. And, VERY stubborn. We will have our hands full. Very head strong. I guess he had to be to survive the freeze ;) Watching my two boys together seriously has to be the most heart warming thing I've ever seen. I love watching them together. They are best friends. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing. I cannot even think of my life without the two of them in it. My oldest son is now asking for a sister. He wanted one before and apparently the dream still lives on.

Work has been going ok. It's really tough to manage everything. Sometimes I just sigh that my house isn't as clean as I'd like or I don't have the things I'd like (I'll be honest, I'm embarassed. My shoes are now 8 years old, have holes and are discolored, but I'll be damned if my kids ever think they don't have the best life ever.) I felt funny today going to my son's school. They were riding for St. Jude and all the other kids brought a bike. We didn't. He has a scooter. Living in a townhome, we don't have a yard or block for him to ride on, and it's an added expense. I was embarrassed. Silly, right? These parents are my friends, yet I still felt judged. I know...in my head. I started looking for a used bike when we got home regardless. I look at prices in MI and know it'd be sooooo much easier financially. Our life is here though. My husbands job. Acting. My kids friends.

Thankfully, I've been starting to teach more essential oil classes with great attendance. My dream is to move to JUST educating about healthier lifestyle options and acting. I tremble to think lifestyle choice could render other women infertile. It infuriates me these products are on the market and advertising is so one sided. I just put my blinders on and speak and know my truth. It's fulfilling to me hearing how beneficial they've been to people. I pray constantly others will just try something to proactively protect themselves. I also had a nice week of auditions. Nothing since, but it felt invigorating to be back out there. That is where my heart is. I feel so alive on set. Telling stories. I pray and trust I'll work back into it.

There are days I would love love love another child. Others I know how blessed I am with my two boys and how difficult another child would be time wise and financially. The reality is, that is totally in God's hands. At this point, we don't intend to transfer again and I was given less than a one in ten million chance of conceiving before and I'm sure it's only diminished. I'm trying hard to cherish every single second. I nurse S through naps, I spend time cuddling my oldest at night after prayers...and quite frankly...I'm ok with it. Before, I'd have been so panicked to get that extra bit of work in. Now, I know how important these moments are. I can stay up an extra hour at night to work if needed. Visiting my friend at the hospital on bedrest for twins should've scared me...but being there...made me sentimental about my own babies. We still have an embryo and there are days I just watch Seeley with that nagging feeling what if they'd grabbed a different straw...he'd still be frozen. Who is that child in the straw? Are they suppose to be with our family too?

I truly do love motherhood. Every stage. Sure, I get stressed. I lose my temper. I get tired, but I love it. I do. At my weakest moments, I take a breath and give myself grace. It. Is. Hard. Anyone who tells you differently is delusional, or far better than I. My husband really struggles. I don't know if he could manage another child and he's the first to admit that. At times I find myself thinking back to what I "thought" my life would be. In premarital classes we wanted four kids. We were open to adoption, fostering. If we had the money. Truly, if we didn't have financial concerns, I'd be all for more kids. For fostering. For all of it. Finances cause so much stress on a family. Marriage.

I'm getting excited to head home to Michigan this summer. We'll be there for five weeks. It's be great for the kids. Poor S has only met his family aside from Nonna and Papa once when he was tiny. We're also going to AZ over Memorial Day to spend time with my in-laws. The kiddos will love it. I dread the drive, but night time driving is the best bet and makes in manageable.

You know...life is funny. I've said it before, but I'm feeling rather sentimental tonight. When I got slapped with this diagnosis, I thought the world as I knew it was over. And, I suppose it was. But, WOW! Wow. Wow. I catch myself thanking God every day now. Had someone told me I'd find gratitude or meaning in all this back then, my eyes would have rolled so far back in my head, and I may have punched them in the face...but I have. I am so, so grateful for my son. I cannot fathom a life without him in it. At all. He is utterly perfect. I've no doubt at all, this was my path, and he was destined to be part of us. If you've been diagnosed or are considering egg or embryo donation or adoption or fostering, I implore you have an open heart. I cannot explain the immense love you feel. The blessing. The peace. Quiet yourself, pray, open your heart and mind. Maybe it's not an option for you, but maybe it is. I'm in a unique situation to tell you biological or otherwise (because I have both) you will love your child however they come. There is no "difference." There is no less love. I promise you.

I'm also grateful it opened my eyes to living consciously and taking responsibility for life choices. Are we always perfect? Nope. But every day I take care at what I bring into our home or my kids or myself and my husband come into contact with. I wasn't that vigilant before and it upsets me the outcome that could have had for our children. Shit happens. I get it, but the reality is, when I met with my geneticist, they explained that only 5-10% of cancers and health issues are genetic. The rest? Lifestyle choices and environmental toxins and factors. A whole lotta nope there. I can't limit everything, but I sure will limit what I can.

I read back through some of these blogs and I'm so aware of how much I've grown over these past four years. My life is not perfect, but I live full of gratitude now. A crappy thing turned into the most beautiful blessing I could have ever asked for.

Peace and love to you all. God bless.

16 months old!

March 13, 2018

Wowza! Our sweet boy turned 16 months old a few days ago. I'm reeling. I'm not entirely sure how he's that old already. When they say it goes fast, it goes FAST! He's a smart, inquisitive, stubborn, hilarious, delightful little man. He's running, jumping, dancing and CLIMBING...oh, so much climbing. He's very chatty and talks a lot. His vocabulary is crazy impressive. He not only repeats everything, but uses it intentionally. Sentences and all. It's nice he's so communicative because he can tell us everything he wants. And, he'll tell us over and over and over...and is not thrilled when we don't oblige ;)

He loves helping and it sweet to see him mimic chores, patterns and get things for me like his shoes when it's time to go or his oils when it's time for bed. He's obsessed with Elsa and Ana after a recent Disneyland trip and Alexa plays it on repeat all day long. If it's not playing, S continually says "Ana Ana Ana Ana" until we turn it on. Loves puppies. Puppies puppies everywhere. He loves books and imitates how his brother plays with cars and trucks with them beeping and backing up.

It's been incredible to see the boys together. Our oldest son is wonderful with him. Includes him, cares for him, helps with him. Sometimes I have to remind him to not play so hard with him, but it's hard to enforce when S is giggling uncontrollably and tackling him back. I've a feeling these two will be quite the hand full. When R is at school he'll ask over and over "Where's "R"?" and giggles uncontrollably and dances when he gets home. His favorite is playing in R's classroom when we go to pick him up.

Me, I'm glad to have gotten back into acting. I got new headshots and have been fortunate enough to have a few auditions. It feels nice to be back in the swing of things. Walking into a casting office is just invigorating. Some actors hate auditioning...I love it. Granted, I like booking and working more, but the auditioning doesn't bum me out. I'm grateful for each call. Every time I walk on a studio lot I say a big thank you to the Lord above that I'm actually doing it and pursuing the dream that seemed impossible to the girl in Michigan growing up.

Work has been tough. There's not enough hours. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I feel like I'm in this bizarre dynamic of a stay at home / work at home mom, but fill time working mom, but mom. I can't describe it. I know every mom works her tail off. I just wish I could be one or the other.

The boys go to daycare three days, so I try to fit as many hours as I can in there, but the rest are after bedtime. Once I get them fed, to bed, things cleaned up, lunches packed, the house picked up...I'm tired. Absolutely exhausted, yet I have to work. Then I'm up at night nursing, back up in the morning with the kids to do it all over.

I've been transitioning more to focusing on educating about essential oils. Fortunately, that has been covering some gaps for us financially, and, I'll be honest. I love it. Love it. I know so much of the health turmoils I faced was from the junk in my home, foods, products...I love offering an alternative to people who want safer products. My ultimate goal is to JUST act and teach about healthy choices. I'm reaching for them more and more. I've always used a ton of the oils and transitioned all my personal care, makeup, cleaners to Young Living a while ago, but I'm incorporating more and more of the supplements now. I can happily say that as everyone around us was dropping like flies, our family stayed relatively healthy. Aside from a minor cold for my baby and husband, we're all healthy as can be. And, looking at the little sleep I've gotten...three cheers for that. I also can't say enough about elderberry syrup. Legit.

The bummer is, some POF symptoms have started to creep in. More irritability, brain fog and hot flashes. My night sweats started, but I've been using a serum called Progessence Plus to support my hormonal health and they are no more. For hot flashes, I've started using Sclaressence. I either make a capsule with a drop of Sclaressence vitality and take it immediately after nursing my son in the morning, or use the Sclaressence on my ankles throughout the day if I feel I need extra support. I've kept things manageable. Oddly enough, I've turned to the oils for irritability and brain fog as well. They've a lot of emotional support oils that have been good for me to just release pent up emotion and I diffuse peppermint or rosemary and orange when I'm feeling really scattered.

Fortunately, our housing crisis was averted. We thought we were losing our lease, but our landlords opted not to sell, so we are here two more years. A rent increase, but stability. Hallelujah! It works out great because our oldest started Kindergarten next year and it will be directly across the street.

Other than that...nothing big to share. I look at my little family and think sometimes how I'd love to have another child. I know my husband isn't there now, so I keep those thoughts fleeting, but my babies are so incredibly special. If it were up to my, if we had no financial concerns, I'd absolutely have another. My oldest son asks me several times a week when his sister will arrive. I keep trying to explain to him I'm not pregnant, and he says he knows, but he's going to have a sister. Sometimes from my belly, sometimes from somewhere else... I can't help but wonder what God has in store. I'd still be very open to foster to adopt, but I'm not sure my husband would like that. Kids, let's face it, can be exhausting. A lot of children in the foster system come with issues that would require certain patience and understanding, parent visits, red tape, foster workers...it'd be a lot.

I just ask God everyday to set our path. Professionally. Personally. For our family. For our impact and outreach for others. Today though, I savor the moments with my babies. They are growing so fast, and I'm desperately trying to be present in each moment.

God bless!

Lump Update

Feb. 2, 2018

Well, the update on the lump is there is no update. They couldn't see it. At all. To tell you the truth, I went into the appointment pretty peaceful. Random moments of what if, but overall, feeling pretty good. I'd get an answer. Bad news with how to proceed, or good news to put my mind at ease. Instead...nothing. No.Thing. Grrrr.

I arrived early and met with the genetic counselor who gave me a little box to take to the lab. Because my grandma, maternal and paternal aunt, and maternal cousin have had breast cancer (cousin at 42) they decided to run a full panel of 27 genes for breast cancer, ovarian cancer and colon cancer. It was free, so I said why not. I see no disadvantage. I was able to give her the paperwork from my aunt and cousin's genetic testing as well.

I'd spoken in advance with my genetic counselor and she arranged with the lactation department to rent a pump if they needed a bilateral mammogram. She was incredibly helpful.

So, I showed up to my appointment and was ushered in by a tech all business. I told her I had a bottle if I should express milk and she said don't bother. Just put the robe on open side up and lay down. Easy enough. I felt like I had a bit of milk, but trusted her. She did a quick look at my right breast (with the lump) and left breast and said nothing abnormal. I looked at her like, are you nuts. It was two minutes total, if that.

"Well, the doctor said if it was nothing you'd be able to tell."

Silence.

"If there was a cyst or something else there, wouldn't you be able to see it?"

"Yes."

"Well, something is there. I'm a little concerned you can't see anything one way or the other."

Silence.

I asked her if I could express some milk to feel the lump better, so she excused herself for about two minutes. I emptied about 1.5 oz and she came back in. Put the wand up and said all normal. I had to literally take her hand and put it on the lump. "Do you feel that?" "Yes, it's small."

Yeah...but there. She did a quick scan again and said all clear. At this point, I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable about all this. Something should show. Something. She dismissed it as normal breast tissue or a duct.

"Well...a duct should empty and fill, right?"

"Yes."

"Why does this stay the same then? And, small and hard?"

"I don't know, but nothing shows up."

At this point, she tells me she can't do a mammogram because I'm nursing and says if I want to wean, I can come back in a few weeks and they will do one. I told her I've no desire to wean if it's not a medical necessity and she tells me...I kid you not... "Aren't you suppose to wean by one anyway?"

I literally felt my blood pressure rise. "No. They encourage you to breastfeed UNTIL one years old at a minimum, but you can nurse as long as you like."

She smirks. "Well, he's old enough, you can wean whenever."

Me shooting daggers. My internal monologue is "I don't want your parenting advice, thank you very much. Just do your job and find the damn lump." *apologies for the language*

So, what to do?? Wait and see? She said just monitor it. If it gets larger, ask my doctor for another referral. Ooookkkaaaayyyy... Very uneasy. I left. She took the initial images from her two minute ultrasound to the radiologist who saw nothing, so what else can I do?

I emailed my doctor saying they didn't see anything, did she feel it warranted a second opinion? Watching and waiting? An MRI? My aunt and cousin, both breast cancer warrior survivors really are pushing for the MRI. I went on a few forums last night trying to see people who had a lump and it not showing up on an ultrasound and it was unnerving. Advice - never go into cancer forums before bedtime. yeesh.

So, I wait for the doctor. I don't like being a "problem patient" but with my history, I'd feel much more calm with an official, it's nothing to worry about, the MRI was unnecessary than a "you should have pursued this sooner six months or a year down the road."

So, as it stands I will obsessively feel my lump assessing any changes.

Non lump related, I'm looking forward to a little family time this weekend. It's been incredibly warm here, so perhaps a nice hike.

God bless.

Mindful Living

Jan. 16, 2018

I was heading to bed last night, and while I was praying, this blog kept coming to my mind. When I started it, it was all about healthy living and changes to support my health. It was more focused on fertility at the time, but my attitude of the TCM philosophy of whole body wellness certainly has carried over into my family's day to day life.

It's funny, but this whole health crisis has done so much good for our life. Ironic, isn't it? The thing that just devastated me...saved me. I remember HATING the phrase "everything happens for a reason" and although I don't like it, because it diminishes actual pain and hurt you are experiencing at the time, there is an element of truth to it.

Without POF, I would never have analyzed our lives and found healthier solutions. I certainly wouldn't have our son. I cannot FATHOM that! We rid our lives of so many unnecessary toxins like candles, air fresheners, cleaners, personal care products with known endocrine disruptors (HELLO INFERTILITY RED FLAG!!!) We've attempted to eat whole, organic foods, although I will admit, I am not as good as I once was in this department. Working full time, taking care of the kids, I fall prey to more packaged foods than I care to, but I AM more conscious of the ingredients that are in them at least.

Premature Ovarian failure was my wake up call. Although this blog is all about my journey with fertility and embryo donation, it started as my journey back to health and wellness, so I'm taking the reigns again...although I may not be taking back my ovaries, I am sharing how I took back my life!

Bookmark www.ewg.org This will be your new bible. Download Think Dirty on your smart phone. You will scan scan scan all your products at the store with this.

First - get rid of the crap in your home. Seriously. Get rid of it. Any candle, air freshener, fragrance warmer - trash it. TRASH it! These are the LEADING causes of infertility and indoor pollution. You want lovely scents, stick with a diffuser.

Next, get rid of your cleaners with harsh chemicals. They are bad for you. They are bad for your kids. They are bad for your pets. They are bad for the environment. You do NOT need harsh chemicals to have a safe, clean environment. Vinegar, baking soda, non toxic cleaners will be your best friend. I make no secret, I love Young Living, and Thieves cleaner is where it's at. Seriously. It's like $22 wholesale for a bottle of concentrate that makes 20 bottles. It works out to about a buck a bottle and it is SAFE. It's BY FAR the best cleaner I've ever used and if you look up clinical studies it cleans as effective as bleach, lysol or any others on the market. You will not find an organic, plant based, non toxic cleaner anywhere that cheap. It smells awesome, and my five year old is in charge of cleaning.

Your dryer sheets. Trash them. They release harmful chemicals, are horrid for the environment and have endocrine disrupting fragrances that you not only breathe in while you dry your clothes, but then you actually WEAR them against your skin. Use wool dryer balls like these. These will shorten your dry time by 15 minutes or so and reduce static cling. If you have issues with static, put a safety pin in one. If you like your clothes to smell good, drop some essential oil on there. Some of my favorites are Purification, Lavender or Orange. Buy them here.

Stick with safer laundry detergents. Thieves laundry detergent is great. Rockin Green detergent in great. We love using our Eco Egg. Make sure you get the fragrance free - it uses minerals and you can do about 720 loads for under $40. Super cheap and effective.

Essential Oils are the big thing in our family we use to support our wellness. Things like Thieves, which has clove (high on the ORAC index for antioxidant) is something we use to support our immune systems daily. These are the essential oils I hold near and dear after experimenting with a lot of brands and doing a lot of research. You can do more research on this brand here. I choose oils for my family's wellness because they can literally support every single body system naturally, effectively and safely when used properly. A brief 101 email course is here.

I always encourage people starting out to invest in a Premium Starter Kit because it's affordable and takes the guess work out of what you need starting out. It already has the diffuser, and has eleven essential oils and blends that are the most popular, daily use oils. As a wholesale member you're privvy to 24% off retail pricing on all their oils, wellness products, supplements, cleaners, personal care, makeup, etc. You also can opt to enroll in their essential reward program and can be plugged in to all our educational groups. It's the introductory offer Young Living has where you get about $360 worth of products for $160. Well worth the investment in my opinion (and by now you know how thrifty I am...) It's literally supported every single body system including our immune, respiratory, limbic, hormonal, endocrine, skeletal, muscular,etc helped promote restful sleep, supported concentration, focus, energy, mood...did I mention one of the blends is literally called Stress Away.

We also use elderberries as a way to support our immune system. I buy them whole and make syrup, but you can purchase it premade as well here. I follow the wellness mama's recipe for syrup as well as the gummies. I've tweaked her recipe to include NingXia and Thieves.

Elderberry NingXia Red Thieves gummies

1 cup elderberry syrup
1/4 cup NingXia red
1/4 cup hot water
1/4 cup gelatin powder
Thieves vitality essential oil
silicone gummy bear molds

Add gelatin to 1/4 cup room temperature NingXia Red and whisk together. Add 1/4 cup hot water to dissolve. Add one cup elderberry syrup and add five drops Thieves vitality.

This usually makes enough to fill the above gummy molds and two mini muffin pans halfway. I give my five year old three gummies, one year old one gummy, and my husband and myself have a muffin tin gummy.

As far as things I use to support my body overall, I've continued taking my Smarty Pants prenatal vitamins. I like these in particular because they use folate not folic acid. They also do not contain iron. As someone with hemochromatosis, I can't have iron.  Other pregnant and breastfeeding women supplement with other iron supplements in addition to this. Some popular ones I've heard of are Rainbow Light  or Vitmamin Code.

I take an awesome bio available calcium supplement called Super Cal Plus sourced from red algae. It's a Young Living product. I was also very happy with Garden of Life calcium. Both of those option have the appropriate D3, K2 and magnesium to make absorption of the calcium possible in your body. Do NOT take a calcium supplement without those three additional vitamins. It can lead to calcification of the arteries. Your body does not absorb in into the bones.

Another thing I've learned in regards to bone health is the important of silica. When I learned about POF and heard all the horror stories about osteopenia and osteoporosis, everyone just stressed calcium. They are all not the same (see above) but no one told me about the PRECURSOR to your bones building themselves. They need silica to convert into collagen to convert into bones. Mind blown. A lot of the meds on the market harden your bones. What does that do...well, think of a vase. You drop it. It shatters. Do you want your bones doing that? Bones should be malleable. You want them strong, but they are living.

Look into a high quality silica. I use Biosil. I buy the drops like this and put them in capsules like this. You can also buy premade capsules of Biosil like this...making my own is just more cost effective ;) You can also drink Diatomaceous Earth. That's right - dirt!! It's incredibly high in silica which is beneficial for bones, teeth, nails and hair. Also, very cheap! Be sure you get food grade! You can also mix a grass fed collagen like the gelatin powder listed in the gummy recipe to up your collagen intake as well. A lot of people are deficient in magnesium so if the calcium above still don't do the trick, I recommend epsom salt baths (magnesium is absorbed best through the skin) or using Natural Calm Magnesium. You can also get a magnesium oil to rub on your feet at night before bed.

I take a high quality fish oil. I use Young Living's OmegaGize, but you can also get a great plant based DHA/EPA called Deva that is a vegan formulation. I like the OmegaGize also has CoQ10, which was important to my health before. I do take Vitamin C from Young Living as well, but I'm sure there are some great additional ones on the market.

I have started to embrace Apple Cider Vinegar. Bragg is an excellent brand that is raw and unfilited. It has the mother in it. I didn't put a link, because it's cheaper at a grocery store than online. You can just drink a bit in warm water with honey.

I love love love Progessence Plus. It is a Young Living serum, and it contains wild yam. Do your research on wild yam and see if it'd be beneficial to you. There are several supplements they have to support hormonal health, but as a nursing mom, I choose to wait until I wean my son to do anything that'd support hormonal function. I'm trusting God is keeping things running smoothly to keep my milk coming.

Whew...I think that is all the key things. I'm sure throughout the next few days I'll keep thinking of more and come back to edit and add. We've really come to view our bodies as things we support BEFORE there are issues. I equate it to a car. You fuel it up. It runs. You change the oil. It keep ticking. You rotate and air the tires. They work. You don't...disaster. The engine burns out. You get a flat tire. A small $2 fix turns into a $2000 fix.

I encourage you to get some exercise. Get your sleep. Meditate or pray. Practice preventative care. Find your happy. I started this journey to find health and happiness, and although it's a constant journey, I've learned so much along the way about self love.

In other news, I've a chest full of milk and found a wonderful organization called Human Milk 4 Human Babies. If you are on Facebook and overproduce, or under produce, look up your state. I feel so at peace that some of my excess milk is helping a little guy who was born 12 weeks premature. There are so many babies in need and so many moms who want to help people out who don't produce enough.

God bless!

A chance meeting

Jan. 8, 2018

I'm nearing four years since my diagnosis. Last night, I went back through all my emails from my doctor to see the exact day. Jan. 14 was the day I received the email with haywire hormonal levels. New Years is always the time it's all kind of fresh in my thoughts. It was New Year's Eve I took a pregnancy test to judge if I could have a glass of champagne, so those feelings of excitement at being pregnant and then all the emotions that followed of a miscarriage, then not...to being irriversably infertile, to embryo donation to mommyhood again. Quite the journey. People offer condolenses all the time and I say "Don't." Sure, it sucked at the time, but I wouldn't have my son. I'd live that day over and over and over again knowing I get to hold this precious boy in my arms.

Yesterday in the nursery at church another mom asked me where S gets his curly hair. 

Typically, I just comment how genes are funny or something to not get into the whole thing of it in passing, but for some reason I responded “Well, he has a unique story...” and shared our journey. Her eyes filled with tears and she told me her baby now was a complete surprise, but after her first they were diagnosed with secondary infertility. They’d done ivf for their second child and they’d leftover embryos. She’d heard of EDA but couldn’t bear to give their child away and they were going to donate them to science, but after knowing me and seeing Seeley and me together she didn’t think she could. 

Their contract was up this month for storage and they had to make a decision very soon. She told me she'd never met someone who'd been involved in the process. Both of us teary eyed, I asked her to consider donation, that I couldn't fathom life without this little boy. I brushed those curly locks and said he wouldn't be alive without our donor's making a choice to donate.

She asked questions regarding our situation. If we were open, anonymous, and I answered them all. I offered to set her up in support groups for mixed or just donors if she wanted. She didn't know if there were enough recipients out there and I reassured her there were dozens of couples, women and even men waiting for every donor that opted to donate. 

Her husband and herself had been going back and forth for months and had come to the decision he would draw up the paperwork and make a decision without her knowledge so she could be at peace. After us talking, she told me she was going to talk to her husband, and she felt clear on what she should do. Tearfully, she said God put me in her path. Tearfully, I told her the Spirit prompted me to share our story, because typically, I don't tell it in passing. I’m so glad I shared with her. I’d no idea. I’m glad she was open to it, and I hope another family is blessed. I pray they donate and bless a family and allow those precious little embryos a chance at life to run and thrive like my little boy. He's such a blessing. So loved. So cherished. So full of life and love.

I'm so blessed. God is good.

Our new arrival!!

Nov. 30, 2016

I am VERY over due updating my blog. It's been hectic around here!

At my last doctor's appointment my doctor told me an induction was necessary as the placenta became less efficient after 41 weeks. I consented to it as I chatted about in my last post.

When we arrived to the induction on the 10th they didn't have a room ready so I grabbed a bite to eat and we walked around the hospital. I had high hopes I'd suddenly start labor while meandering the halls. As we got checked in, I went into my spiel with each nurse, doctor and midwife my horrible experience last time and how I really was scared for this induction and wanted a better experience. Everyone seemed receptive!

They hooked me up to the monitor and checked how dilated and effaced I was. Still around 1 1/2" - 2" dilated and the same effaced as my prior appointment. I was contracting however on a regular basis and they said that even if I had not had a reaction to Cytotec last time, they couldn't use it. Basically, I was not dilated or effaced enough for pit, but contracting too steadily for Cytotec or Cervidil. Fine by me, I'd already told them I refused the Cytotec.

I also requested no IV yet, just a block for when we needed it. My hubby was in the background setting up our little diffuser and oil selection :) And, we kept that baby working throughout the entire labor, delivery and post partum during our stay. In fact, several nurses got my contact info it was so helpful.

We agreed on a cooks balloon. Basically, it's like an empty water balloon with a spot that inflates on the inside of your cervix, and one on the outside. They would insert it, then fill it with water and the pressure would make me contract more heavily and hopefully dilate me.

Inserting it was brutal. They had a resident try and after about six failed attempts the doctor took over. She was did NOT have a delicate touch. She tried about six or seven times as well. Youch! Once it was finally inserted and filled with water, it was to stay in place for 12 hrs. During that time, I could walk around as much as I wanted and eat with hourly monitoring on and off.

Once I had an hour monitoring, my hubby and I started walking the halls. We did so on and off for about seven hours until we decided around 11 to try and get a bit of rest as the balloon would be removed at 3:50 am. Trying to get comfortable with a balloon hanging out of you and constant contractions is for the birds. I maybe got an hour rest in.

At 3:50 they came in to remove the balloon and the nurse said she'd let me rest until 6 am when the doctor would come examine me. Well, five minutes later, the doctor burst in, flipped on the lights in and in a HORRENDOUS mood gave me the most uncomfortable dilation check of my life.  I was 4 cm and about 70% effaced.She then snapped to start the pit immediately. Um...no.

"Could I take a quick shower and eat something before we start the pit? I know once it's started I can't really move or eat." She didn't take too kindly to that. Um, where did the nice receptive doctor at check in go?!? She consented to let me shower and the nurse pressed her to let me have a cold sandwhich to which she curtly said "Fine. Don't take too long in the shower and I refuse to let you sit around for breakfast at 6."

As soon as she left, I turned to my nurse and asked why the pressure to speed this along and reiterated that there was no emergency, the baby was looking great on the monitors and that I wanted this to go smoothly without risking the baby's safety or my uterus. After a frank discussion, she went back to consult the doctor and returned stating I had an option to break the water or start the pit. "Can I move around if you break the water?" The doctor said no. So...no sense in doing that.

The doctor returned in a much better mood and we discussed everything again. I consented to starting the pit at 2, but only raising it by 1, not 2, every 30-45 minutes versus 20-30 that was standard. I also asked that once contractions were steady we spread it out more allowing my body to work on it's own. She seemed irritated, but I didn't care...she agreed. So it began.

At shift change, an AWESOME midwife and nurse came on and they were 100% behind me. They actually let me call the shots when we increased the meds as long as contractions were 2-3 min apart. They also were very cool with me bouncing on my ball and moving around a bit in front of the monitor. My nurse was lovely to bring Popsicles often and ice chips and water. I also had brought in NingXia Red, which is a Young Living drink (shameless plug for YL oils which helped me immeasurably throughout labor and pregnancy which you can buy here!) and a few snacks that I ate freely. And, lo and behold, my contractions got stronger each time I ate something. Go figure. I was also applying clary sage to help intensify them.

As the day wore on, I upped the pit dose a few times and the midwife checked on me a few times. She told me when I was ready, they could break my water if I wanted to intensify things. After raising the pit once more, we decided to go ahead with that plan. I would have to lay on the bed for 30 minutes to ensure the water was clear. THAT was difficult. I had been moving to manage contractions up until this point, and once the water went, it was full steam ahead. I was at a 6 when they broke my water at 7 pm. At 7:30 I literally rolled out of bed, leaned against it and with my hypnobabies tract playing on my ipod managed to breathe and "relax" through each contraction. I will not lie. Most intense sensation I've ever felt.

My husband was awesome to rub lavender on my back and shoulders to help me relax and kept giving me cold packs for my forehead and back of neck. I vaguely remember him trying to feed me and my chasing him away. The nurse, who just came on at 7 kept trying to ask questions which I ignored every one...my husband finally told her to communicate through him, I was obviously "doing my thing." The only time I spoke to her was to request they drop the pit down a bit. She decreased it two notches. About 15 min later seeing how much pain I was in, she dropped it some more. Within minutes, I was telling her I needed to be checked.

She checked me and I was at a nine with a lip of cervix. I got to my knees just as another contraction hit and went limp over my husband's shoulders and shouted to her "I'm pushing. I'm pushing. I know I'm not suppose to, but my body is pushing." She laid me back down to check me and I was fully dilated and effaced. On the next contraction she told me to give one push. I heard her on the phone requesting the midwife and staff saying "She's a good pusher. The baby is coming."

Next thing I knew, everyone, including residents were there and I was pushing. I sputtered out to bring the mirror so I could see the baby as I knew I'd push better. He was cockeyed in there so I had to roll to one side so he could come out. And all of a sudden, there he was. The cord was wrapped around his neck, so I had to do controlled pushes and breathing until they were able to unlatch it, and out he came. Our beautiful baby boy! He arrived at 8:54 pm after a 29 hour labor.

We had skin to skin where they checked his vitals from my chest. I remember shushing him and the nurse saying no, let him cry! Since the cord had been around his neck, they wanted to ensure he "pinked" up. I love our hospital now allowed the cord to stop pulsing on it's own which was something I had requested when they asked my birth plan. Probably about 15 min later, the midwife had us both feel the cord to see if it was done pulsing and my husband clipped it. They had to take a small blood sample from it because a blood test had shown my son was at risk for anemia and jaundice.

I did start to hemorrhage, so they took my son to weigh him and attend to him while they fixed me up. The cytotec that I had wanted to avoid, I got a huge dose of as well as pit to ensure the bleeding stopped. Once I was doing better and stitched up from a tear, they brought out little guy back in and a big plate of food for me to eat.

I was shivering so badly they wrapped me in about six warm blankets and gave the baby to my husband for skin to skin. Apparently blood loss and adrenaline does that to you! It took about two hours for me to stop shaking. The nurse said I was shaking the whole bed. She did give me mad props for doing an induced delivery with no meds. And, I will say, the recovery is a ton easier without an epi. Intense as all get out during it, but after so much better.

All in all, we had an awesome experience. We had a few issues with latching during nursing which resulted in bleeding nipples (I know other mamas can relate) and severely engorged breast for the first week, but we've found our rhythm.

Our other son, finally got to meet his baby and came marching through the hospital in a lab coat wearing his stethoscope proudly carrying flowers for mommy. Watching him meet his brother and hold him was one of the most touching moments of my life to date. He's been exceptional with him.

I find myself feeling bad at times restricted to the couch or rocker nursing the baby and not giving our other son our full attention, but I'm doing the best that I can.

You know, it's funny. Three years ago when I was diagnosed with POF, I felt a part of me died. Now, looking back, I know in my heart of hearts this journey was intentional. Without it, we would not have our son. I love him so incredibly much and every tear I cried, every frantic moment, doubt and angry word I sputtered at God...it was for a reason. I believe our family is intentional and this child was meant to be with us. In my heart of hearts, I know it was all for him to be with us. I will never be upset over my diagnosis again. Do the side effects suck? Yeah. Was it worth it to welcome this child...yes. For all you women out there who feel a loss, please consider embryo donation, adoption or foster to adopt. I can attest that genetics does NOT make a family. The love you will have for your child no matter how they come, will be immeasurable. Much love to you all.

God bless.

32 weeks 6 days

Sept. 14, 2016

We're still rolling along here! Things are good. I had an appointment today and the baby looked great. I asked the nurse to put me in the room with the u/s because last time the doctor mentioned whenever I was in there she'd take a quick look at my fluids. They looked great. Lots of pockets of amniotic fluid. Last pregnancy they tried induction around 36 weeks for low fluid, so I just want to keep an eye on it.

Baby is still head down and I can feel exactly where his tush is...and his knees and feet giving nice sharp jabs. He's a very active little guy.

She mentioned I looked like I was measuring small, but when she measured me I was actually ahead, so it must be either the way I'm carrying or his positioning. I still feel huge. HUGE! The braxton hicks contractions are still there and still pretty strong, but she did an u/s today so if my cervix was shortening I'm sure she'd have mentioned it.

I've been struggling with not feeling very well again, especially after eating, but at least it's mainly when I eat and not all the time now. Tired, yup. But, I think that is typical with any woman at this point in pregnancy who is also working full time, running after a toddler and completely redoing their living arrangements, lol. I don't think that is indicative of much at all.

Back I go in two weeks for my last check up with my normal doctor until I have her replacement while she's visiting her daughter and start my weekly appointments. How is it we've neared that time already??? Until then, finalizing our list of people to help watch our son when labor hits while my in-laws travel here, finish up my son's big boy room and the nursery re-transformation, finish up gifting and selling all our stuff to make room, do a big cleaning and cooking spree... Let's just say, I'll keep myself busy.

God Bless.

30 weeks 4 days

Aug. 29, 2016

I'm trying to be better about updates :) The baby is doing great. He's now measuring a bit ahead of the game and the doctor made note I was ALL baby. He was actually poking her back when she was taking measurements today as she literally was asking if I feel him. Um...that giant foot that just moved about an inch out of my belly all Alien style...yeah, he's active.

My blood pressure was way low today 85/48. It's always on the low side, but today lower than normal. The nurse said drink water...I lifted my 32 oz water bottle and said this is number three and it's 10:30 am. I'm well hydrated. The doctor just said to feel free to season liberally with salt and spice.

I also asked her about the braxton hicks being so intense and she said as long as there isn't spotting and I can't time them, no worries there. That's reassuring because they've been way more intense than I ever remember them with my son.

She did mention at 37 weeks because I'm, ahem, "old" we'll start NST and AFI testing. My fluids were low last time, so that'll be reassuring to me. She will be out of town the month of October, so I'll be seeing someone else.

Other than that, nothing new to report. I feel so much bigger this time around, but I guess that's pretty normal. And, not knowing this little bugger's genetics, I may be cooking a bigger baby too ;)

God Bless!