Intro

Where to begin… I suppose a brief intro and overview is in order. I'm post dating this to Jan. 1, 2014, so the order of my blog posts (which I had been writing privately as a POF diary for myself initially saved to my computer) are in the correct order. For your record, it is April 24. It took me over three months to process this diagnosis and be in a positive place sharing my story. So, don't beat yourself up if you need time. I also have not shared with anyone outside my immediate family circle aside from three close friends. It's still a bit too raw and I don't want any negativity, backlash or questioning of my motives or decision for treatment from anyone, especially those that are close. I'll let you know when I am able to make that personal and public announcement outside my own blogosphere so you can share in that "journey" too. 

My name is Emily and I am blessed by one incredible son and an awesome husband. My journey with secondary infertility began at the start of this year. Or, shall I say, my knowledge of my infertility slapped me in the face. Happy New Year to you too!

My son was born November 22, 2012. He was our Turkey Baby born at 11:12 pm, just in time for me to shovel in some pie after snacking on ice chips all day long. We had no trouble conceiving him at all. Married May 2011, ditched the birth control and started trying in November and after a wonky cycle or two of my body not relying on birth control to man the ship for 14 years and regulate it's cycles, conceived on our third cycle. We got our BFP, big fat positive, on the test March 9^th, 2013. So, this baby making stuff is easy! Right?!

Gulp.

After having my son, I was just convinced that my period hadn’t returned since I was breast feeding. He was a horrible sleeper and nursed constantly through the night, so the constant nipple stimulation was keeping it at bay. Or, so I thought. My hubby and I started trying in September for a baby thinking maybe we’d just “catch that first egg.” And, we thought we had.

When we got back from our Christmas vacation, I thought before taking a sip of New Year champagne, why not take a test to make sure. And it was positive! And so were eight others over the next few days, but they never darkened and finally disappeared. I was heartbroken thinking I’d had a chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage. But, I never bled.

After going back and forth a dozen times with an incompetent midwife who assured me my test was wrong (Hello lady, I took NINE!!) and my period would come when it normally does despite my trying to explain I hadn’t had a post partum period yet so I wouldn't even know when that would be, I finally contacted another doctor. She ran an HCG test and my level was 5. Less than 4 is not pregnant. 5 is typically borderline pregnant. She told me most likely it was a CP and I’d start to bleed anytime. I didn’t.

When no period came, they started to take me a bit more seriously. She referred me to another doctor in the OBGYN department. The doctor I met with, who I shall refer to as “Jack Knob” because my other references to him aren’t PG enough for your web browsing eyes to see, came in and with no emotion took a gander at my ovaries in an ultra sound, which he said looked fine. He told me my endometrial lining was 2 mm so wouldn’t sustain the pregnancy if there was indeed a pregnancy. He assured me he’d run some tests and let me know what they said. He promised he’d call to discuss the outcome.

Well, my test did come back. My HCG level was 7 (four days later) so it was going up, but not at the rate of a viable pregnancy. And, that is just what he told me. He put it in some fancy doctor lingo in an email that took me to google to translate, but basically said the high LH as well as slightly elevated HCG in my blood had been giving me the false positives on the pregnancy tests.

I, however, saw my FSH and LH levels and about fell out of my chair. My FSH was 111.8 and my LH was 65.3. FSH in a normal, healthy woman should be UNDER 12!! 12!! Mine was 100 higher. LH levels ebb and flow. It’s the hormone that tells your egg to pop out, and that was a high number, but the two high together meant bad news. I’d gone to Google and boy, oh boy, was that a mistake. Either Premature Ovarian Failure, aka, you are done, no babies for you, or a Pituitary Tumor, aka brain tumor. Well, Happy Flippin’ New Year.

When this moron didn’t make the connection, I emailed him back saying I was alarmed by those two high numbers, much more than the HCG.  I asked to have further testing to rule out a brain tumor. He EMAILED me saying it was most likely ovarian failure and he’d repeat the tests in four weeks. Um, four weeks?? Yeah, right. I asked him to please run a prolactin test and estrogen test for me. He called and callously told me it was probably POF. When I asked what treatment there was, he said “None. Your ovaries don’t work anymore.” My response, sobbing like a baby.

My estrogen levels came back undetectable and my prolactin showed a slight elevation most likely from breastfeeding. I sought another opinion.

This time, I meant with a very frank, but nice and thorough doctor. She went through my chart with me and took a lot of information to consult with an infertility specialist friend of hers. Infertility isn’t covered by my health plan. She also did a u/s and said my lining was paper thin.

The lab results this time, absolutely devastated me. 

HCG 7

FSH  136.5

LH 98.8

AMH <.03

I was basically told I was a 100+ year old post menopausal woman. My options were egg donor or adoption. Through tears, I asked what my options were and she said birth control pills to regulate hormones. Trying to keep it together I explained that I’d researched POF and there were rare people who ovulated. Birth control would take away that possibility. She told me, sometimes women with POF do squirt out an egg here or there and maybe “God would throw me a bone.” Oddly enough, I know she meant that as my chances were nil, but I found it reassuring. Yes, he would!

My AMH levels basically said I had no eggs and no follicles left. Hmph. Since then, I’ve done a lot of research, and this isn’t exactly true. Yes, there are no follicles in the beginning stages growing, but that really doesn’t have anything to do with how many eggs you have left or their quality. The doctors assume you don’t because none are growing, but in theory, if you are under duress, your ovaries, non essential organs, are one of the first to shut down. Given my lack of sleep and high stress, it’s conceivable, that’s exactly what they did.

In my fervent research of the disease I learned that over the course of 10 years, there is a 5%-10% chance a woman can spontaneously get pregnant with POF. Yes, my numbers were way, way higher than most POF women so my chances were slimmer, but there was one. My own rational was, my doctor immediately wanted to prescribe birth control. How many women with POF follow that directive and take it? So, they are automatically removing themselves from the pool for spontaneous pregnancy. Further more, how many make fertility minded changes in their life with diet? Exercise? And, as I researched further (I'll get to that) with acupuncture, chiropractic care and herbs and supplements? How many of these women that just spontaneously got pregnant were actually trying to better their odds? If 5-10% of all women, most of whom aren't actively trying or preparing their bodies can get pregnant, my odds were looking a lot better. Because, I was doing it all!

I had her refer me to an RE who refused to see me because I didn’t have infertility insurance. When I pressed the issue saying I was at increased odds for osteoporosis, heart disease, stroke and cancer without the correct hormones in my body they woman relented a bit on the phone and admitted that yes, my “infertility” put me at severe health risk. She then gently told me, pushing for a visit was a waste of money because they would tell me my situation was helpless. She gave me the adoption or donor egg speech. The third doctor to tell me this. Sigh.

I did more research and learned about HRT, hormone replacement therapy, but I didn’t like the idea of a lifetime of pumping pharmaceuticals into my body. And then, I came across some blogs and articles about alternative, holistic approaches. The more I read, the more I was intrigued.  

Western and Eastern medicines approached reproductive issues, POF especially very differently. Western medicine, as brilliant as it is, treats the symptoms and tries to prevent future complications like osteoporosis. Eastern medicine treats the overall body and tries to correct overall health which in turn will gently prod your body into doing what it should be doing.

The first few weeks after my diagnosis, I was barely functional. I was listless and downright pissed. Yes, I was blessed with an amazing little boy, but I’d always dreamed of a big family. I had dreams for him to grow up with a brother or sister. I grew up with many and couldn’t imagine not. My husband was very supportive, but it wasn’t until the last test that the gravity of what happened sunk in. I thought he didn’t care, but in reality, he hadn’t believed it until then.

I decided to open up to my mom, and three close friends, one of whom was dealing with infertility herself. Her and I had a heart to heart and she told me about an acupuncturist / herbalist she went to. I made an appointment to join her on her next visit. They told me I was basically depleted. My pulse was extremely weak and I had depression of the liver. The liver channel isn’t the “liver” but I had a lot of anger, resentment, stress and negative emotion built up in my body blocking my hormonal flow. They told me I was extremely unhealthy and weak. They suggested I stop breastfeeding first and foremost because I was literally giving all my energy and nutrients to my baby. This was an emotional struggle. One, I will deal with in future blogs. Second, they told me to limit my stress and immediately. Third, they told me they needed to tell my ovaries to ‘wake up’ and started acupuncture that day. Once I weaned, they would give me herbs to nourish my body.

I also started seeing a chiropractor because a healthy alignment is important to your nervous and endocrine system, which is really what fires the messages for your body to produce and release hormones. After my initial consult, my spine was really out of whack. Most likely from stress, exhaustion and, his words, basically motherhood destroys the body. The nursing, crouching, cuddling, lugging kids and diaper bags and car seats around...all takes a toll.

My husband and I decided to turn our path to God. We've always had faith, but this problem was far to great for us to even think of handling on our own.

We also decided to reevaluate and take stock. My body was exhausted and weak. My son, now 13 months had yet to sleep through the night. The three months leading up to my diagnosis, I rarely slept more than 2-3 hrs a night, never more than an hour or two at a time. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was trying to work as close to full time as possible during all his naps and at night in addition to the two full work days I had while he was in daycare. We were struggling financially and my husband had been working sporadic part time jobs for the last three months of the year. I was at my breaking point, and my body just gave out.

We decided I needed to limit stress. God answered our prayers by assisting with my sons sleeping. He’s now a champ and sleeps all through the night and for lengthier naps. My husband, thankfully, got a job in town. He used to travel so when he was working, I single parented it at home. His job meant he was here to help, and a consistent income.

I began reading about all the things that affect your fertility. Diet. Toxins. The list seemed endless but I decided to make some big changes…