Update WAY overdue

Aug. 17, 2015

Wow!

I feel like my blog is way, way overdue. I was out of town for a month and after returning swamped catching  up with everything. Where to start...?

Well, I guess the first place to start is to tell you that no, no, I have not had a period yet. I'm on CD 148 and still, apparently going strong. I was really sick last week with the fever, aches, headache, soar throat, the whole nine yards. Part of me thinks I got hand foot and mouth because I had about a dozen canker sores in my mouth. They cleared up fast, so maybe it was just part of whatever little bug I got.

I also did the V-Steam a few weeks ago. My review is here. I didn't go into great depth my experience as a whole while I was doing it because I was trying to keep it somewhat professional since I was reviewing a product, but here goes. I had the brilliant (note sarcasm here) idea to do the steam on a Sunday evening while my son was still awake. I thought I could quietly slip into the restroom with a *gasp* magazine. It sounded blissful.

So, I got my herbs a steamin', prepared the throne and got out some magazines to sit back and relax for an hour. About five minutes into it, my son starts pounding on the door, screaming bloody murder. No fear, his dad was here. I just heard him yelling "In here buddy. Leave mom alone." Um, come get him please. So the pounding continues and the crying gets louder. I'm a bit indisposed so I'm hollering to go play with his trash trucks and singing songs with him through the door.

My husband was able to wrangle him so I delve back into my magazine for about five more minutes. And, he returns. This time with a vengeance. I'd locked the door and he was trying desperately to get in. Trying to talk him down, I tried to open the door on my end thinking, "whatever, he can just come in." I just wanted to reach at least 35 minutes doing the steam. Problem is, the door is locked. Like, from the inside too. Um....

"Babe!!!" "Babe!!!" I keep yelling and nothing. Apparently, my husband has gone out to the garage. By this point my son is full throttle. And, I'm starting to panic. I'm stripped naked from the bottom down dripping from the steam, and we're both grasping at the door. Finally my husband comes in and thinks I'm joking. Um, no. So, he got the screwdriver and can't figure how to get it off. I'm trying to talk my son off the ledge through the door and trying desperately to realign the handle on my end so I can get out. Finally...success. He'd loosened the screws so loose, the handle misaligned and locked me in. We tightened that bad boy up.

You can read about all the awesome things it did in my review...I just had to share how unglamourous those final moments were. I'm thinking the next one will be when he's sound asleep or at daycare while I work. Not exactly releasing the inner goddess in me with a laptop working while I do it, but this goddess has to take it where she can get it.

I did go to a baby expo the other day. I was working at a booth, but I was baby crazy being there to say the least. All these brand new babies and pregnant mommas. These teensy tiny little clothes. Sooooo cute. While I was there, I did a Zyto scan at our booth wondering what it'd tell me this time. Third time, and again totally accurate.

Basically the only things out of whack for me was an oil recommended for estrogen imbalance and several for releasing negative emotions and people and a few for pursuing a dream. Estrogen out of whack? Clearly yes. Me hung up on negative relationships. Check. Me striving toward a dream. Check.

Not to get into too much detail, but I put forth too much effort in some relationships. I think we all do. I'm trying really hard to put my focus on people and positivity and just release all the negative crap. I was surprised the Zyto picked that up. It's something this past week I've really been struggling with and came to terms with. In the past, I've always told my husband "I won't sink to their level or change who I am." The reality is, I don't have to change the core of my being, I just don't have to put my focus there. Allowing myself to be negatively effected by people and things is what got me to this health crisis to start with, so *breathe in* *breathe out* I've released it.

The greater purpose? Again, long story short, my parents were kind enough to allow my husband and myself an overnight trip. Our conversation initiated as a fight because he was saying he wanted to move, that my acting career had been moving slow and he was sick of living paycheck to paycheck in the most expensive city it seemed on earth. Ok, lot of valid points there, but ouch! Instant tears and instant seething anger. It evolved into a very positive conversation though.

Once I explained his job takes him out of town five days a week leaving me absolutely no time to write my projects, run the workshops I use to do where I fostered all of my casting relationships, very little time to focus on any submissions or take meetings and left me scrambling to get my hours in for my "day job" after our son went to bed. It was really eye opening to me how frustrated I'd allowed myself to get and how stagnant I felt. Instead of celebrating my auditions, I was spending my energy panicked finding a sitter rather than focusing on the role.

We decided his looking for an in town job that will allow me to meet up with some writing partners to finally get the two ideas I have rolling. We also spit balled a few things off each other. I'm not sure I've mentioned it in here, but he's a Second City grad and very funny. We spent a few hours on the beach and went for a super long walk through the cemetery game planning and dreaming again. We used to spend hours every night walking and planning and talking.

Obviously, we haven't done that since our son was born, but it really reconnected the two of us. I felt like we were a couple again and had the same focus. He also got some clarity and is refocusing on commercial acting again once he can get in town employment. That was where he was successful before and I know he will be again. I think him being in town more will relieve some strain on our relationship and allow us to reconnect more.

It also really gave us some focus on all the fertility woes and the toll they've taken. We just feel so strongly things are going to work out. In my heart of hearts it just feels like things will work out with all the fertility treatments and transfers, but if that is our reality, that is God's plan and I know we'll be doubly blessed by it.

So, all in all, an extremely accurate Zyto. I'm always amazed at how those things work. Our bodies really are miraculous and intricate things, aren't they? It's amazing how negative thoughts or needing the extra confidence to lunge ahead...your body just knows what it needs.

Tomorrow is back to my TCM for herbs and acupuncture. I've been without herbs about a week and a half now. I stuck to my two a day the whole time I was back home with family. I had very few fertile signs there if any. I DID however get rather "fertile" after doing that V-steam. I've had on and off cramping and much more cervical mucus.

On a whim I took an OPK and it was extremely positive so I took a pregnancy test since I hadn't in about a month. It came back light positive. It didn't really excite me because, let's face it, light positives and I don't have a good history. I retook it four days later. Still light positive. So, my hormones were a bit whacky, but I was also sick, and I know my body goes haywire hormonally when I get sick. I'm hoping now that I'm better it will improve.

The thing that upset me about the fake positive was, it was pretty dark for a fake out. I feel stupid because I always let that "could it be" thought flash through my mind and then instantly chastise myself. Check it out. Top was last Monday, bottom was last Friday. I haven't checked since although I'm sure I will tomorrow before heading into acupuncture as a "just in case."

On the EA front, I'm getting a wee bit agitated. After three emails, our coordinator sent me a brief email saying the embryos were still ours, but she was out of the office and would check in tomorrow on how things were progressing. That was a week ago. I tried contacting her twice to see what she learned and try to request a rough time line of things.

Once we get the final green light, I still need to get medical tests done, we need to draw up a contract and figure out our course of action since I don't cycle. I know my TCM wants to do acupuncture weekly leading up for a few months as well.

So much to think about. Well, apparently since I haven't written in six weeks I just spewed it all at you in one looooooong blog entry. I'll try to write more often. If I have a few moments to do a TCM update I will later this week.

As always, God Bless.

Back to Acu and Herbs

Oct. 24, 2014

This morning I woke up, and although I intended to take an HPT and OPK because I was heading in to acupuncture, I completely forgot. It's been nice not worrying about that stuff. I did take one with second morning urine before I left, and Hallelujah, Praise God, the HPT AND OPK WERE NEGATIVE!!! Why do I get so excited by that? It's been FIVE MONTHS (!!) since both were negative. That means great things for my hormones!

That was where my excitement ended for the day. I went in yesterday for an appointment with my TCM. I was a bit disheartened that although she said my pulses were ok, they were a bit weaker than my last visit. I feel though in context, I should rewind and give a brief overview of my week.

Without going into mind numbing detail, my husband almost lost his job this week so my stress level was a bit high to say the very least. Someone at work had falsely accused him of some things and while the "investigation" was underway, tensions were high in the household. That was resolved Weds evening.

Thursday was my appointment and it was honestly just one of those mornings where everything just was going wrong. It took me 25 minutes to get milk at the grocery store because of a faulty cash register. I was late getting on the road. Traffic was horrendous. I had a deadline to be home for my husband's workshop at school, and to top it off my TCM forgot about me. I called them and they hussled over, but my leisurely hour and a half appointment was reduced to 35 minutes.

When they read my pulse, I was frayed. As they started going on about how I should have my levels retested with the doctor because although I'm better than when I started, my channels will get stronger, than a bit weaker, than stronger, etc, but never up to perfect. Because it's been 9 months, they wanted to see the progress I'm making, I officially blurted out "Can my pulse be reading lower than it is from stress? I keep looking at the clock and I need to leave in 40 minutes."

Wide eyed they hussled me into the room and started poking me with needles as I frantically texted my husband to see if there was a workshop later in the afternoon he could take. Nope. Ugh.

She asked her questions and looked at my tongue while poking me.

To say I was trying desperately to hold back tears in an understatement. As soon as she walked out, they started pouring down my face. The gravity of what she said hit me. It's been nine months and they are feeling frustrated by lack of progress. She came back in to ask me how my appetite has been and I know she saw the tears. She didn't quite know what to say, and I felt like an idiot.

This session I kept repeating the mantra "I am healthy. I am healed" as I took deep breaths and reminding myself of some scripture passages that deal with fertility and fruitfulness. As it neared my 35 minutes, because that was all that time allowed, I was feeling a bit calmer about things. She came in to take my pulse and her eyes got wide, she gave me a smile and said "Better. Better. Good. It's good!"

We went back in the other room where I would pay and get my herbs and she told her husband, who translated to me that my pulse was a LOT stronger after my session. The circulation was much better and much stronger. They encouraged me to keep doing yoga and exercising to increase my circulation to get better blood flow to my reproductive organs, and I hustled out the door to fight traffic home with a new batch of herbs and to return next week for acupuncture.

The herbs this week are not pleasant. Sometimes it has a sweeter smell to it, but this batch smells more medicinal. It almost tastes like there is celery seed in there, but much stronger. Some batches are easier to swallow than others. This is not one of them.

I was feeling overly emotional and frustrated yesterday but I really took a moment to center myself yesterday. I feel good. I feel healthy. I've been praying and trusting and having faith this last month and it has brought me incredible peace and strength. Why was I letting my "natural" and "medical" circumstances doubt what I know to be true in my heart. I've put the negative feelings to the side and have decided to keep reminding myself and declaring to the universe, to God and everyone else that I am healed.

Last night, I started spotting. Just a tiny bit. I'm not entirely sure if that means my period is coming, or just breakthrough spotting again, but seeing my body "work" is such a wonderful thing.

In terms of my cycle, I still don't know what's happening. My temp today for instance was 97.18 at 4:10 am when I work, but I took it again at 6 am out of curiosity and it was 97.86. Make me wonder if my chart looks so erratic because the last week or so, some days I've been able to sleep until 5:15 or 5:30 which may inflate my temperatures more than I thought. If I use the BBT adjuster to allow for temping at different times, it isn't that wide a gap. My body just must run low until it hits a certain point in the morning.

So, nothing new to report really. I keep debating if I want to have the doctors run more tests. I know I don't want it midcycle because my LH and FSH will always look inflated then...they would with any woman. If I start my period, I may consider it on CD3, which is when all hormonal testing should be taken. But, in all honesty, I don't know if I want it. Will a medical measurement bring me peace or anxiety and stress? Part of me wants to just trust, know and believe that it will happen and not have any news that makes me doubt it. But, just hearing myself say that shows I must have doubt about what the numbers will present.

Anyway, I'm undecided. I see so many woman in these support groups agonize over their numbers and I can't imagine the stress being good.

God Bless!

Cycle Day 142

Oct. 19, 2014

Well, two people in two days have contacted me for updates, so I feel as though it's high time I post here.

There isn't a whole lot to report. Today officially marks the 142nd day of this cycle. I'm part of a mom group who has a 2ww (two week wait) thread on Facebook and several of the girls who I started it with are entering their third trimesters now, which is rather eye opening. Heck, several are finding out the sex of their baby since my last period. Oct. 31 will be five months of this unending cycle. THAT is crazy to me. Several moms pop on to the thread only to get pregnant the first month. It thrills me, but sometimes I just shake my head and think "if only I were that lucky!!"

I try not to let that get me down though. Although I didn't try very long for my son, I'm well aware had I gotten pregnant one or two months before I did, I wouldn't have this amazing little guy in my life, so when I DO get pregnant, I know it will be the right time then too.

My TCM doctor is still in China. She returns tomorrow I believe and they start seeing patients on the 22nd. Right now, my appointment is Saturday, but if my husband has some days off this week, I will try to get in sooner. My herbs should last another two days or so. I added vitamin C to the mix as it's support to be a super fertility antioxidant and elongate the LP.

I'm trying to remember if I updated you that I'm back on maca. I started back on it a month ago and it seems like it's helped things. I also added bee propolis back in, but only twice a week. I know the royal jelly was warming (which I only take every other day) but I know the propolis is suppose to be good, so I started small. The resveratrol the TCM suggested seems to be working great, or maybe it's just things were evening out already, but I'm keeping with it.

The good news is, my HPT's are still stark white, which is excellent. The OPKs are still dark, but the last time I tested, I had fertile signs. I'm only testing every 10-14 days now. My temps have actually been high the past few days. I did miss a day because my son woke up with a nightmare at 3:30 and by the time I got him to sleep, it was silly to try and temp an hour later when he woke. We'll see what happens over the next week or so.

My new philosophy has really been "Let go and let God" and to tell you the truth, I feel more at ease that way.

Although I can do the things I feel God directs me to do like take care of my body with exercise, organic diet, less toxins, and taking nourishing herbs and supplements, I obviously can't "will" my body to pop out an egg (or that would have happened over a year ago) so why obsess over it. The reality is, it will take a MIRACLE to get pregnant. It's a good thing I believe in miracles. I really have a calm about things and faith that God will provide.

I did order all my goods to start my homemade items which I'm excited to try. I'm particularly pumped to make my magnesium body butter. Many people have magnesium insufficiencies, those with POF in particular. Because POF has high risk of osteoporosis, it's important to get adequate calcium, vitamin D and to ensure it's being absorbed. Magnesium does that. It also, from what I read, helps you sleep. I'm going to make a batch up and spread it on my feet before bed. My sister in law did a body butter with cocoa butter and added peppermint which is genius. Chocolate peppermint anyone??

I also got all the goods for my chapstick, lotions, shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash and sunscreen. I actually gave a sample of my deodorant to a friend and she fell in love with it. She's pushing me to open my own business. It's a bit daunting to me, so I told her I'd start just by making stuff for friends if they want it. I was happy to hear that she loved it and said it worked for her better than any retail variety.

All in all, I'm feeling really good. I had a few sleepless nights, but it was more concern for my sick baby and work/ financial concerns. I just had a wonderful weekend full of family fun and am so incredibly grateful for all the blessings surrounding me.

Acu Update and Faint Positives

Sept. 15, 2014

Well, Saturday was back to acupuncture. Good news, my pulses were stronger at the start, and even stronger after the pricks. Still not perfect, but going in the right direction. She added another needle to the formation which was about one inch above my belly button. I still haven't quite found that point in any of my fertility books or online, but she seems to know what it's for. I have to remind myself she's treating the whole body, not just fertility. She tells me every time it's to increase Qi, menstruation and pregnancy.

I had my husband snap a picture of my stomach post treatment. This time, they seem to be more red, and one actually bruised. Ironically, the only one that really hurt, you can barely see.

Here is a link that will help you identify the points and why they are stimulated. The photo of the abdomen is almost identical to where she poked me except she did the three points above my naval. About one inch above center and two pokes about two inches above and to either side.

http://www.natural-health-for-fertility.com/acupressure-for-fertility.html#.VBb9f_ldU1I

If you scroll down she also did the Epang II spots as well as one spot directly above the Yintang but into my hairline.

The following images are from the book The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis, which I've recommended time and time again. She shows ALL the various fertility points and what they do. I'm just using these images to show which my acupuncturist used.

She used the LV point, in previous visits when she KNOWS I have not ovulated, she has also used the KI4

This visit, she used the SP 10, SP 8 and ST 36, she has used numerous others on other visits, including Ki 3,Sp 6. I've used acupressure on SP 9 before under their direction.

Although they have not done acupuncture in my ear before, I do stimulate both of these spots every night during meditation. They are good for stress relief.

My acupuncturist also does two spots between my thumb and forefinger to increase Qi.

The Infertility Cure is excellent because it shows all the spots, gives detailed information about each spot, how it should be stimulated and WHEN and also discusses which spots should be used for each specific condition of infertility.

Amazing stuff! I go back next Saturday again for acupuncture and a new batch of herbs. Then back one more time. They go to China for three weeks following that and will stock me on herbs and we will decide if I need more sessions of acupuncture when they return.

In other news, I tested last week to faint positives. My in-laws, awesome as they are came to town to watch my son on Saturday night so my husband and I could do a mini overnight vacation to see a comedy fest. I decided not to use OPK's or pregnancy tests all weekend and just relax.

I did test this morning and still faint positives and a blaring positive OPK. So, I'm just riding this out. I think I'll just test OPKs every few days now since I think I'm having a POF LH surge. Best not to waste my money and no reason to create anxiety.

Although FF still has my temps as O'ing 16 days ago, I'm fairly certain I didn't. My cervix is still firm and closed, but I am assured with that since it spent the last two months wide open. My feeling is, my body is sorting itself out and regrouping. Next time it opens, I hope will be the real deal.

Until then, I've really reflected on the message about resting in the Lord, and I have. Oddly enough, I've had no anxiety about it. My baby is around the corner. I know it.

Quick Update

Aug. 8, 2014

Well, a quick update. I skipped my TCM this week. I called and told them I had about a week of herbs leftover still so they said to just wait and come in next week when I'm out. I think that's the best bet. I think we'll have a better idea if I should start acupuncture again by that point. And...it saves me four hours of driving there, appointment and driving home in glorious LA traffic, I'm all for it.

I'm feeling pretty good. Still bloody exhausted. I'm not sure what that is all about. The last two weeks have been awful. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't get any energy, and the irony is, it's the best sleep I've had in months. I resorted to putting a mini scoop of regular coffee in with my decaf yesterday. Also, I felt really achy for several days. I thought the flu was rearing it's ugly head, but I feel better today. I didn't take herbs yesterday morning and just did a half dose at night in case I was coming down with something. I know the super herbs can grow viruses as well as heal my lady bits.

I did get a very positive OPK yesterday, and then today...the mother of all positive OPKs!! Holy crap, right!??! The test line is on the top.

My sister in law suggested I take a HPT "just in case" since I've been feeling pretty punky and it's that darn faint positive again. A dark faint, but faint. My gut tells me it's from the huge LH surge and low residual HCG. (Interesting fact, they've proven a super LH surge can show a faint on an HPT test. Kind of like OPKs look positive when you are pregnant. They didn't think it worked in reverse, but if you test at exactly the right time, you can see a faint from the super surge...)

So, either A. my body is all whacked out, or B. my body is surging (like it should) right now and may kick out an egg. I'm really thinking B this time. Maybe it's my optimism, but my temps have been low the last two weeks and yesterday I got a little temp hike, and today a major. So, my thinking is I ovulated yesterday and the OPK today was because my body still detected the surge. Also, overall, I've been sleeping pretty good and no hot flashes or problems focusing, which all tends to happen when my body goes crazy.

That dark line makes me think my body is screaming at my ovaries to just spit one out already!

The next few days, I'm sure will make things clearer, and if not...I'm pretty use to living in limbo right now ;) I'll have an answer for sure in two weeks if I ovulated or not, right?

In other news, acting has been going great recently. I've been keeping busy filming and auditioning, so it makes the "baby journey" a lot easier to swallow when I'm not being forced to think of it all the time. Good distractions. A watched pot never boils right?

**Just a quick edit. I started feeling sick again today. Achy all over. Exhausted. Constantly thirsty. I had to take a nap. I never nap on my work days. It honestly does feel like when I was pregnant with my son and had morning sickness, but according to my temperature, open cervix and negative tests, I know that isn't possible. Maybe I do have a touch of something. If I'm not better in a week or two, I'll go in and have everything checked out. I know they ran thyroid and autoimmune tests during my initial diagnosis, so I don't think it's that. Sucking it up and hoping I feel better soon. How stupid I feel a bit under the weather and I already jump to conclusions with hormones. Snap out of it, Em!

I called my TCM and am heading in tomorrow to adjust my herbs.

POF and False Positives

July 24, 2014

I'll let you in on a little secret. Positive pregnancy tests don't even excite me anymore :( (FYI- if you want cheap Wondfo's which are the cheap HPT and OPK tests go here! This is the best price I've found and you can do combos of both or just some alone.

This was yesterday. The top one, yesterday - obviously darker than the ones preceding it (the days leading up to it) right? Nice progression, huh? The top would be 10 DPO if I ovulated.

Then, this morning. This happened.

Pretty cool, huh? Nope. I had a blood draw to check my HCG. 4. 4???? 4!?!??! Yup, 4. As in not even close to being pregnant. Seriously, how sensitive are these tests? 4 and under is not pregnant. Between 4-25 in inconclusive and 25 and over is pregnant. Do they really need to make tests THIS sensitive? I mean, I like knowing right away, just like the next gal, but come on!

I need to remind myself, to just toss them away without a second though until the line is a in your face YOU ARE PREGNANT line!

On the one hand, I'm seriously bummed. I never did let myself get excited because I thought it could just be hormones awry. On the other hand, I was actually kind of relieved my HCG was only 4. Before it was 7 so it's half. I guess that shows some improvement.

My son had a difficult time going to bed tonight. He was crying and I went in and told him it was night night time and asked if I laid down on the floor next to his crib and rubbed his belly he'd feel better. He told me yes and laid right down. As I was rubbing his belly, arm and head, I just started crying. I totally thought I'd be at peace either way, and I am...but, it just really hit me. I feel absolutely broken.

I don't think I ever understood before all this how incredibly lonely and frustrating it is for your body to be completely out of control. For all the people dealing with sickness, cancers, infertility, mental illness, it is scary. It's isolating, because you look ok on the outside and no one knows. And, even if they do, unless they are dealing with the same thing...they really, can't truly understand.

I had a moment of actual despair thinking I may never experience every moment I've shared with my son again. I have to keep believing I will. For one thing, it's made me value every single second with him. When I find myself getting tired or nearing the end of my rope, I really take a step back and realize that I can't get these moments back. Is it seriously worth me losing my temper? No. It's helped my patience parenting, being a wife, daughter, actor, employee...

You know, my husband and I from the time we were in premarital counseling always said we'd be open to adoption, but the reality is, it's near impossible unless you are wealthy. It cost more than IVF. Whenever I hear someone say "why can't they just adopt, there's so many children that need homes" I really want to smack them upside the head.

I for one would LOVE to adopt. But it cost upwards of $20,000 and beyond depending where you adopt from. We've even looked in to fostering to adopt, but I can't bear to bring a child into our home only to have the family take them away after they've been here. That scares me with adoption in the US too. In other countries that possibility is less likely.

I always thought (before) why adopt internationally when so many children need homes here. Well, they do, however it's become a business. Extremely expensive, with your odds increasing the more you "advertise" to potential mothers. Advertise? Excuse me? Yeah, you read that right.

The only silver lining of the whole adoption option is once it's said and done you can get a tax incentive to help recoup cost. However, that's after you max out all your credit cards I suppose. I know we would provide a wonderful family for a child.

I know from the bottom of my heart my journey isn't over with children. I know this is a set back and I'll bounce back. I always do.

My TCM appointment went well on Weds. They said my kidney channel was a bit weak. I asked if that could be from my UTI last week and they said that could be playing a part. They reworked my herbs to nourish my kidneys and build my blood. They also agreed with me to cut my royal jelly down to every other day, that it could have been monkeying with my hormones too much.

My TCM did give me the encouraging news that she really thought once I regulated that I would fall pregnant almost immediately. She said that everything about my pulse, health, etc showed I was the perfect example of someone who should get pregnant and carry a pregnancy very easily. I did the last time, so I'm just really trying to trust it'll happen again.

I keep reminding myself when I started there was one follicle on my ovary and my AMH was about nil at <.03. I always knew it'd take a good six months to see improvement in my egg quality. I'm approaching six months from my beginning of acupuncture at the end of this month. Next month will be my six month anniversary with herbs.

As my TCM reminded me. My body and health are like a delicate plant. You can't just throw a seed down and expect a tall plant the next day. You have to give it good soil, water, sunlight and nourishment and foster it and help it grow. Our bodies are the same way. It's a process.

I keep reminding myself how far I've come. My body was a wreck before and now I'm all in all, pretty healthy. No night sweats. My sleep has actually been very good the last three or four nights. Anxiety and depression aren't there anymore (except for my woe is me moments - see above, sigh.) My weight is back to a normal range. A tad under the norm, but good for me. I have energy.

I started reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For". It's a 40 day journey to learn what purpose does God intend to use me for. It's to take the perspective off what will make ME happy and learn what will make GOD happy and how can I do it. I think that's important for me right now.

There's a lot tumbling around in my head this evening. I'm really mentally exhausted.

To all you ladies out there going through this. I'm sorry. It sucks and we're on this journey together.

Mid Cycle Confusion

May 21, 2014

Well, I'm not exactly sure what is going on with my cycle, but I'm fairly certain I ovulated or am about to. This is the third day of raised temps, but my cervix was still SHOW (soft, high, open, wet) and I still had fertile cervical mucus so I wasn't completely sold on ovulating quite yet, than this morning I got a positive OPK. I'm not entirely certain what could have caused my temps to rise (my son was sick, maybe a slightly elevated temp battling germs??) but I think I ovulated late last night or early this morning. I know for most people a positive OPK means impending ovulation, but for the last two charts and my chart that I conceived my son, I ovulated that day or the day before my positive OPK.

Why? Basically, I think I have short surges. I drink a lot of water during the days, so the only true time I can get a reading is FMU (first morning urine.) Since LH doesn't surge until mid-day, which is why they recommend mid day testing (I've tried, I drink way too much and can never get a concentrated sample) I have to test in the morning. So, whenever I get a positive, it is usually the day after ovulation and I am catching my LH surge trailing off. Sometimes, I can catch it just before I ovulate. They say ovulation impending in 12-48 hrs...with the average 24-36, but I just think I'm closer to the 12 hr window. I did test last night. My urine was quite diluted and there was a relatively dark test line, so not quite positive, but again, I think the dilution was the cause. After getting my positive today, I'm pretty sure that test would have been positive had I not had 32 oz of water between dinner and testing ;)

I guess we'll see what my temps do over the next few days to know for sure. The good news is, all signs point to O again. This will be three cycles in a row. And, if ovulation was yesterday that would be two charts in a row with a CD13 ovulation. It's nice to see a pattern emerging. Let's hope for a longer LP this time. Although, my funky temps may make it difficult to get a true read on it's length. I'm cure my TCM will analyze my chart and get a better feel than I.

My Pep Talk Numero Dos (And a rehash for my sanity)

April 20, 2014

Happy Easter!! What an amazing day. I’ve always been humbled by God’s sacrifice to send his only son to suffer, die and be risen to redeem us from our sins, but this year it really hit home. As I sat and read Reed the Easter story, I started to cry. I was holding my own son, who is so dear to me. That sacrifice is beyond compare. I am so happy and grateful to have a Creator that loves and treasures us so much. We are saved and healed by the stripes Jesus wore.

Today my temp dropped again so I’m rather confident I’ve started a new cycle. I did take an HPT in case, and it was negative. I’ll give it one more day to make sure my temp stays low tomorrow then start doing my castor oil packs and Epsom salt baths again until I ovulate. I feel refreshed. It’s a clean slate and I feel like I’m getting a handle on how my body is working. Ever since I ovulated, my OPK tests are extremely negative barely showing a second line at all, so I feel good knowing my LH is under control. I’ve no idea where my FSH is, but knowing one hormone dropped and that I ovulated, I’m confident it’s lower. I’m also almost three months into my treatment, so more than halfway to the 150 mark where my dormant follicles should be “awake.” Yahoo!

http://natural-fertility-info.com/increase-egg-health

I believe I listed it before, but here is a link to their POF page. I started with the supplements they suggested for the first few weeks, but a few weeks into treatment I talked more with my TCM and they suggested stopping all of these and letting their herbs work their magic. Because my problem was a hormonal imbalance, they said I was very delicate, and they didn’t want anything to interfere or more importantly hurt me in anyway. After my next cycle, I may ask them more about some of the supplements suggested here like Royal jelly to help with egg health too.

http://natural-fertility-info.com/premature-ovarian-failure.html

That site listed above has been my go-to through this whole journey. I research their info on other sites too and then speak with either my doctor or TCM to verify it will help my situation, but even for knowledge sake…most every fertility supplement is broken down somewhere eon there listing both the benefits and risks, dosage sizes, and excellent explanations for how each ones can help.

As I research my POF further, I really think it was caused by adrenal fatigue. Here are few links to it…

http://natural-fertility-info.com/is-my-adrenal-health-affecting-my-fertility.html

http://wynyardchiro.com.au/the-adrenals-and-pregnancy/

At the time I was diagnosed, my son (a miserable sleeper) had been up, quite literally every night almost all night long from birth. From the months of September to January, I was lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep a night, which was interrupted – consisting of 45 minute segments. In November and December, I rarely got more than 2 hrs of sleep. My husband often traveled when he did have work, so I had no night time help and when he was in town, he often catered which meant he’d work late and then sleep.

My son would only sleep if being held or his back rubbed in the crib. With my severe lack of sleep, I was also his primary care giver and struggling to work 30 hrs a week during his naps and after he went to bed at night. Often times, because it was just me, I’d have toast or cereal at night. My healthy diet I prided myself on, went out the window the last six months before my diagnosis. 

I was also the primary bread winner, as my husband was out of work the last three months before diagnosis. We were travelling, I was sleep deprived and highly stressed. As I’m watching my hormones fall back into line, I believe without a doubt my POF was adrenal failure. My hormones were wacky and my initial tests showed elevated pitocin levels which they attributed to breast feeding. The goods news is, if it was adrenal failure, I am now sleeping a full night (8 hrs), eating almost all organic and nutritious, meditating and exercising to reduce stress and my husband now has a full time job in town to help around the house and contribute more financially. No wonder my hormones are falling back in check.

Sorry for the repetitive nature…as things are getting back into swing, I took time to review all that has happened and how far I’ve come and reassure myself that it takes time. I’ve been patient thus far, and can remain so for total healing.

A Spot is a Spot

April 16, 2014

Squeeeeeee!

So, to the majority of ladies, this would be a big bummer and an eye roll, but to someone who was told her lady parts don’t work, it was literally enough to make me do a little dance for my hubby. Literally, I did a little dance.

I started spotting! Just a little, but it was a mix of brown and pink blood, which means older blood and some fresh blood. The first I’ve seen since having my son. My first thought was my period, but that’d make this cycle have a super short LP (which honestly, we have to start somewhere so I wouldn’t be devastated) or could it be implantation bleeding?? I’m really trying not to get my hopes up, but I guess there is a small possibility. According to my positive OPK’s and temp hike, I ovulated last Friday, which would put me 5 DPO.

If anything, things are starting to work again. At my last u/s my doctor told me, my endometrial lining was paper thin. The doctor before her had told me, basically it would be a pin drop worth of blood if I bled. And this was more than a pin drop J So, along with my fertile CM, cervix that is cooperating raising, lowering and opening, positive OPK’s that go negative when they are suppose to and temperature making a leap, I know have blood thickening up there.

Thank you God!

Just Gimme a Positive or a Period

April 6, 2014

I will admit to feeling a bit frustrated today. I’m 14 days with raised temps and still a negative pregnancy test and no period. Honestly, I’d welcome a positive or my period. It’d be a clear sign things are “healing” properly. I thought I saw a miniscule faint line on the test, but I refuse to get excited after my false positives rending a diagnosis of POF. I promised myself I wouldn’t test today. Yeah right. I’m having a cavity filled Tuesday so will be sure to test before that just in case (they use medicine) but I’ll try to withhold from testing tomorrow. I just can’t figure out if I didn’t ovulate why my temps stayed above coverline…they were all over the place before, and I didn’t get any more positive OPK’s. In fact, they’ve all been super faint. Today it started to darken slightly again, but still not enough for a positive. 

Find YOUR Happiness

April 5, 2014

Well, I’m 13 days past when Fertility Friend says I ovulated. 12 days past my positive OPK. So…if I DID ovulate, anywhere from 11-13 days past ovulation, or DPO in the TTC (trying to conceive) world. Negative pregnancy test. Well, I “think” I saw a slight tinge of a line, but realistically, it’s probably my mind playing tricks on me. And, after my false positives, until I see the line progression as it gets darker, I won’t get too excited. I am excited to see that my temps stayed above cover line though. Fingers crossed.

I’m feeling a bit discouraged this morning by negativity in the POF community. Someone in one of the support groups vented about hating seeing people post pregnancy stuff on FaceBook and someone replied that they’ve deleted and lost countless friends from posting too much about pregnancy. Come on ladies!! 

Let’s throw that negativity out. Yes, we all have the right to get hurt, discouraged, fed up, etc, but the key is to feel and process those feelings and then rise above it. Faulting someone else for their happiness is silly.

Can you imagine, if you deleted all your friends in relationships if you were single? Friends that ran marathons if you were paraplegic? Friends that were chefs or foodies if you were diabetic? You’d have none left. It can get obsessive making everyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells, handle you with kid gloves or hide parts of their lives and happiness from you.

The realistic approach is EVERYONE has their own trials and tribulations. Ours may be infertility and it sucks. BIG TIME! But, there are people dealing with cancer, death of loved ones, debt, depression, abuse, etc. We just don’t know what lies in people’s hearts or in their paths. Instead of faulting people who are celebrating their pregnancies or babies, let’s rejoice with them and hope and pray that we may follow in their footsteps, sooner than later. And, if you can’t do it, just “hide” their posts. Losing friends over our own internal struggle with acceptance, or, in our case, PATH to fertility and healing is silly and selfish. Life is too short to dwell on that.

I wrote a few weeks ago about the tinge of sadness I had over a friend’s pregnancy announcement. It was short lived, and wasn’t the pregnancy itself, but the eerie coincidence of it all. If I’d let myself mull over that, I’d be surrounded by negativity. That’s NOT healthy. And, it’s not Christian. Since then, a few other friends have announced their impending bundle of joy and I can honestly say I was elated with every single one. I guess until that woman posted in that support group about “deleting friends” as they got pregnant or rejoiced in their pregnancy, it never even occurred to me how many women feel that way.

Perhaps it is different for me because I DO have a healthy baby. Perhaps I am naïve. But, I know my “loss” was real when I heard the doctor diagnose me. BUT, I refuse to accept that diagnosis. Only the Lord can see who is barren, and it says right in the bible no man or woman shall be. I trust he will honor his promise. For those of you that aren’t religious, take heart that, scientifically, our bodies were created to heal themselves.

Long post short. Rejoice with others as they rejoice. Let’s not let our own sorrows deflate others. We’re bigger than that. Allow yourself to feel sorrow and grieve, yes. However, find your own happiness. Focus on healing. Focus on health. Focus on less stress. Focus on what you LOVE.

God Bless. 

And, a BFN and no O

March 21, 2014

Well, I didn’t ovulate last go round, but I’ve gotten two more LH surges. Who knows if I did this time. I keep temping, but my night waking throws a wrench in that. Most mornings, I have to temp at 4 or 4:30 when I first wake so my temps look so low. I keep hoping, but only time will tell. The upside is, my body is having fertile changes so I feel like it’s at least trying. There are waves of fertile CM with a raise soft, open cervix along with the positive OPK’s, so maybe one of these times, it’ll just shoot an egg out.

I’ll keep you posted.

Never say Never

March 7, 2014

I’m one step closer to “going live” on this blog. I’m a member of several forums and support groups and I just had a mom thank me for directing her to a website with information regarding herbs.  She said about her TEEN daughter “She is beyond the point of no return with her POF but herbal remedies might help with some of the physical issues.”

Are you kidding me right now?? Past the point of no return?? A TEEN!?!

Maybe she is. Maybe she was just born incredibly unlucky, but MAYBE SHE ISN’T!! This is why I’m so saddened by the medical profession. They don’t understand, your body is a WHOLE. Your body needs to be healthy through and through for it to function properly. How many teen girls out there are told they will never have functioning ovaries and just suck it up and get medicine for the rest of their life? It makes me sad and it makes me MAD!

No teen girl should be handed a diagnosis like that. You know what?  My numbers were past the point of no return by ALL medical stand points!! I’m one of the “worst” cases.

FSH 136.5

LH 98

Estradoil not even recognizable

AMF <.03

But, I don’t believe that nonsense. They handed me that “diagnosis” without even asking anything going on in my life. No symptoms, stresses, etc. My TCM listened to everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. They want to know all your stresses, how you handle them, any discharge, how often you have a bowel movement, what you eat, exercise, etc. The list goes on and on.

Please please please. No matter your age, NEVER let them tell you your case is hopeless. I just started reading The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis, and if you struggle with any type of infertility, please do yourself a favor and read this book. It will open you eyes. Your body is a WHOLE. It is not a part. Treat your WHOLE body right and your fertility will be restored.

God bless you. All of you out there struggling with infertility and especially this “disease.” With POF, you are written off as hopeless. Do not let them. Do not. Do not. Do not.

My LH was 98! 98!! Within a month I brought it down to not even register on an OPK. And you know what, I think I may have actually ovulated this month. My body surged last week but I never saw a temp shift. Well, two days ago, I got another positive OPK, fertile CM and a high soft cervix. This morning, my temp shifted by .38 degrees up. We will see if it stays up there and what the next two weeks brings, but six weeks ago I was told it was impossible. Hang in there!

Intro

Where to begin… I suppose a brief intro and overview is in order. I'm post dating this to Jan. 1, 2014, so the order of my blog posts (which I had been writing privately as a POF diary for myself initially saved to my computer) are in the correct order. For your record, it is April 24. It took me over three months to process this diagnosis and be in a positive place sharing my story. So, don't beat yourself up if you need time. I also have not shared with anyone outside my immediate family circle aside from three close friends. It's still a bit too raw and I don't want any negativity, backlash or questioning of my motives or decision for treatment from anyone, especially those that are close. I'll let you know when I am able to make that personal and public announcement outside my own blogosphere so you can share in that "journey" too. 

My name is Emily and I am blessed by one incredible son and an awesome husband. My journey with secondary infertility began at the start of this year. Or, shall I say, my knowledge of my infertility slapped me in the face. Happy New Year to you too!

My son was born November 22, 2012. He was our Turkey Baby born at 11:12 pm, just in time for me to shovel in some pie after snacking on ice chips all day long. We had no trouble conceiving him at all. Married May 2011, ditched the birth control and started trying in November and after a wonky cycle or two of my body not relying on birth control to man the ship for 14 years and regulate it's cycles, conceived on our third cycle. We got our BFP, big fat positive, on the test March 9^th, 2013. So, this baby making stuff is easy! Right?!

Gulp.

After having my son, I was just convinced that my period hadn’t returned since I was breast feeding. He was a horrible sleeper and nursed constantly through the night, so the constant nipple stimulation was keeping it at bay. Or, so I thought. My hubby and I started trying in September for a baby thinking maybe we’d just “catch that first egg.” And, we thought we had.

When we got back from our Christmas vacation, I thought before taking a sip of New Year champagne, why not take a test to make sure. And it was positive! And so were eight others over the next few days, but they never darkened and finally disappeared. I was heartbroken thinking I’d had a chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage. But, I never bled.

After going back and forth a dozen times with an incompetent midwife who assured me my test was wrong (Hello lady, I took NINE!!) and my period would come when it normally does despite my trying to explain I hadn’t had a post partum period yet so I wouldn't even know when that would be, I finally contacted another doctor. She ran an HCG test and my level was 5. Less than 4 is not pregnant. 5 is typically borderline pregnant. She told me most likely it was a CP and I’d start to bleed anytime. I didn’t.

When no period came, they started to take me a bit more seriously. She referred me to another doctor in the OBGYN department. The doctor I met with, who I shall refer to as “Jack Knob” because my other references to him aren’t PG enough for your web browsing eyes to see, came in and with no emotion took a gander at my ovaries in an ultra sound, which he said looked fine. He told me my endometrial lining was 2 mm so wouldn’t sustain the pregnancy if there was indeed a pregnancy. He assured me he’d run some tests and let me know what they said. He promised he’d call to discuss the outcome.

Well, my test did come back. My HCG level was 7 (four days later) so it was going up, but not at the rate of a viable pregnancy. And, that is just what he told me. He put it in some fancy doctor lingo in an email that took me to google to translate, but basically said the high LH as well as slightly elevated HCG in my blood had been giving me the false positives on the pregnancy tests.

I, however, saw my FSH and LH levels and about fell out of my chair. My FSH was 111.8 and my LH was 65.3. FSH in a normal, healthy woman should be UNDER 12!! 12!! Mine was 100 higher. LH levels ebb and flow. It’s the hormone that tells your egg to pop out, and that was a high number, but the two high together meant bad news. I’d gone to Google and boy, oh boy, was that a mistake. Either Premature Ovarian Failure, aka, you are done, no babies for you, or a Pituitary Tumor, aka brain tumor. Well, Happy Flippin’ New Year.

When this moron didn’t make the connection, I emailed him back saying I was alarmed by those two high numbers, much more than the HCG.  I asked to have further testing to rule out a brain tumor. He EMAILED me saying it was most likely ovarian failure and he’d repeat the tests in four weeks. Um, four weeks?? Yeah, right. I asked him to please run a prolactin test and estrogen test for me. He called and callously told me it was probably POF. When I asked what treatment there was, he said “None. Your ovaries don’t work anymore.” My response, sobbing like a baby.

My estrogen levels came back undetectable and my prolactin showed a slight elevation most likely from breastfeeding. I sought another opinion.

This time, I meant with a very frank, but nice and thorough doctor. She went through my chart with me and took a lot of information to consult with an infertility specialist friend of hers. Infertility isn’t covered by my health plan. She also did a u/s and said my lining was paper thin.

The lab results this time, absolutely devastated me. 

HCG 7

FSH  136.5

LH 98.8

AMH <.03

I was basically told I was a 100+ year old post menopausal woman. My options were egg donor or adoption. Through tears, I asked what my options were and she said birth control pills to regulate hormones. Trying to keep it together I explained that I’d researched POF and there were rare people who ovulated. Birth control would take away that possibility. She told me, sometimes women with POF do squirt out an egg here or there and maybe “God would throw me a bone.” Oddly enough, I know she meant that as my chances were nil, but I found it reassuring. Yes, he would!

My AMH levels basically said I had no eggs and no follicles left. Hmph. Since then, I’ve done a lot of research, and this isn’t exactly true. Yes, there are no follicles in the beginning stages growing, but that really doesn’t have anything to do with how many eggs you have left or their quality. The doctors assume you don’t because none are growing, but in theory, if you are under duress, your ovaries, non essential organs, are one of the first to shut down. Given my lack of sleep and high stress, it’s conceivable, that’s exactly what they did.

In my fervent research of the disease I learned that over the course of 10 years, there is a 5%-10% chance a woman can spontaneously get pregnant with POF. Yes, my numbers were way, way higher than most POF women so my chances were slimmer, but there was one. My own rational was, my doctor immediately wanted to prescribe birth control. How many women with POF follow that directive and take it? So, they are automatically removing themselves from the pool for spontaneous pregnancy. Further more, how many make fertility minded changes in their life with diet? Exercise? And, as I researched further (I'll get to that) with acupuncture, chiropractic care and herbs and supplements? How many of these women that just spontaneously got pregnant were actually trying to better their odds? If 5-10% of all women, most of whom aren't actively trying or preparing their bodies can get pregnant, my odds were looking a lot better. Because, I was doing it all!

I had her refer me to an RE who refused to see me because I didn’t have infertility insurance. When I pressed the issue saying I was at increased odds for osteoporosis, heart disease, stroke and cancer without the correct hormones in my body they woman relented a bit on the phone and admitted that yes, my “infertility” put me at severe health risk. She then gently told me, pushing for a visit was a waste of money because they would tell me my situation was helpless. She gave me the adoption or donor egg speech. The third doctor to tell me this. Sigh.

I did more research and learned about HRT, hormone replacement therapy, but I didn’t like the idea of a lifetime of pumping pharmaceuticals into my body. And then, I came across some blogs and articles about alternative, holistic approaches. The more I read, the more I was intrigued.  

Western and Eastern medicines approached reproductive issues, POF especially very differently. Western medicine, as brilliant as it is, treats the symptoms and tries to prevent future complications like osteoporosis. Eastern medicine treats the overall body and tries to correct overall health which in turn will gently prod your body into doing what it should be doing.

The first few weeks after my diagnosis, I was barely functional. I was listless and downright pissed. Yes, I was blessed with an amazing little boy, but I’d always dreamed of a big family. I had dreams for him to grow up with a brother or sister. I grew up with many and couldn’t imagine not. My husband was very supportive, but it wasn’t until the last test that the gravity of what happened sunk in. I thought he didn’t care, but in reality, he hadn’t believed it until then.

I decided to open up to my mom, and three close friends, one of whom was dealing with infertility herself. Her and I had a heart to heart and she told me about an acupuncturist / herbalist she went to. I made an appointment to join her on her next visit. They told me I was basically depleted. My pulse was extremely weak and I had depression of the liver. The liver channel isn’t the “liver” but I had a lot of anger, resentment, stress and negative emotion built up in my body blocking my hormonal flow. They told me I was extremely unhealthy and weak. They suggested I stop breastfeeding first and foremost because I was literally giving all my energy and nutrients to my baby. This was an emotional struggle. One, I will deal with in future blogs. Second, they told me to limit my stress and immediately. Third, they told me they needed to tell my ovaries to ‘wake up’ and started acupuncture that day. Once I weaned, they would give me herbs to nourish my body.

I also started seeing a chiropractor because a healthy alignment is important to your nervous and endocrine system, which is really what fires the messages for your body to produce and release hormones. After my initial consult, my spine was really out of whack. Most likely from stress, exhaustion and, his words, basically motherhood destroys the body. The nursing, crouching, cuddling, lugging kids and diaper bags and car seats around...all takes a toll.

My husband and I decided to turn our path to God. We've always had faith, but this problem was far to great for us to even think of handling on our own.

We also decided to reevaluate and take stock. My body was exhausted and weak. My son, now 13 months had yet to sleep through the night. The three months leading up to my diagnosis, I rarely slept more than 2-3 hrs a night, never more than an hour or two at a time. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was trying to work as close to full time as possible during all his naps and at night in addition to the two full work days I had while he was in daycare. We were struggling financially and my husband had been working sporadic part time jobs for the last three months of the year. I was at my breaking point, and my body just gave out.

We decided I needed to limit stress. God answered our prayers by assisting with my sons sleeping. He’s now a champ and sleeps all through the night and for lengthier naps. My husband, thankfully, got a job in town. He used to travel so when he was working, I single parented it at home. His job meant he was here to help, and a consistent income.

I began reading about all the things that affect your fertility. Diet. Toxins. The list seemed endless but I decided to make some big changes…