Aug. 23, 2014
Weak and Wiry. Groan. Those were the words my TCM used.
I went in this morning for my bi-weekly appointment and they frowned. I haven't started my period, my temps are being uncooperative, and my pulse was weak and wiry. Am I nervous? Worried? Stressed? Changed my diet? I just sat there stunned. Um, no. I'm always a bit worried under the surface about my fertility, but, am I now worried? Yes. Hands down, yes.
I asked, "Well, but better than when I started right?" Pause. "No, pretty close. Your Qi and blood are really low."
Gulp. Groan. Sigh. Sniff.
I had to really hold back tears this time. Seven months of treatment in and I'm back to square one? The world does not seem fair. They just keep repeating the words "relax relax relax" to me as they talk about how weak I am. Um, that's not relaxing to hear.
As they began mixing herbs, she took me to the acupuncture room and began my fertility acupuncture. Apparently, they think the needles will open my energy channels to improve my Qi and they are giving a "wake up" call to my reproductive organs. I get the impression, the focus on the herbs these next few weeks is to nourish my Qi, build my blood and send the big "WAKE UP!!"
Today, it hurt! I guess when your Qi is low it can be more painful because it's really opening things up. The ones in my head were tender, between my thumb and forefinger, I barely felt, but the ones in my abdomen? Yowie!! The legs and feet were ok. Typically, there may be a slight poke as they go in, but this time, I'd actually get sporadic bursts of pain throughout the session. It really did feel like a bolt of energy.
As I laid there I tried so hard to relax, but what did I do? Worry. Worried about the fact I ran out of organic decaf and had two cups of "normal" decaf this week. Worry about the fact we never typically eat out, but ate out three times this week, one of those being Taco Bell. Gulp. Worry about the fact I was letting financial stress get hold of me. Worry about the fact my son has peanut and nut allergies now and I have to have a Epi Pen strapped to me at all times. Worry about I had ice cream, twice, this past week. Worry about the fact I was up late crying with my friend and comforting her through some problems.
Which one of those things set me over the edge? I had to do a mental head slap. Seriously, Em. Two cups of not organic decaf coffee aren't enough to hit rock bottom. So, last week wasn't the best. Most likely, everything came to a head and my body was tired today. That doesn't mean it's rock bottom. Just a crappy day.
My temps are just weird. Not high. Not low. In the middle. They were high but then dropped. My thinking, because I was sick, they were elevated before. According to other fertile signs, I could have ovulated last Tuesday. Or, my body is doing a fake out, which I'm rather accustomed to.
I'm suppose to go back next week for acupuncture, but I'll be out of town, so I'll go the following midweek. I'm hoping this session, getting back on track this week and being back on the fertility herbs full time now will mend whatever is broken.
My friend sent me the scripture "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not into thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and He shall direct thy path." A good reminder. Stop worrying about how to fix it. Trust it IS being fixed. My understanding is so limited and because I can't logically or scientifically figure out how things will right themselves, I start to doubt they will. But, that's what faith is, isn't it? Having no idea how it's POSSIBLE, but KNOWING it is.
In theory. Simple. In practice. Really, REALLY hard.
On the upside, we had an amazing family day. We went to a Family Sports Event for the family. It was really, quite incredible. Area vendors were there, all with activities for children. Our son jumped right in. Literally. It was a fun day!
Another woman in a Mommy Group of mine is also struggling with infertility. She kindly sent me a link to her blog. It was sad and beautiful all at the same time looking at her past entries. She tried for THREE YEARS to conceive her daughter trying various fertility treatments and the one cycle off. Wham! Pregnant. That cycle, her pulse was very weak. She'd sent it to me to be uplifting and it was such a blessing she let me in to her years of struggle. I really appreciated being part of her journey.
To all you ladies out there struggling with any kind of infertility. My heart aches with yours. Such a devastating and isolating thing. May you find peace and success growing your family in whatever way you choose. Biological child. DE IVF child. Adopted child. Fostered child.
God Bless!
Weak and Wiry. Groan. Those were the words my TCM used.
I went in this morning for my bi-weekly appointment and they frowned. I haven't started my period, my temps are being uncooperative, and my pulse was weak and wiry. Am I nervous? Worried? Stressed? Changed my diet? I just sat there stunned. Um, no. I'm always a bit worried under the surface about my fertility, but, am I now worried? Yes. Hands down, yes.
I asked, "Well, but better than when I started right?" Pause. "No, pretty close. Your Qi and blood are really low."
Gulp. Groan. Sigh. Sniff.
I had to really hold back tears this time. Seven months of treatment in and I'm back to square one? The world does not seem fair. They just keep repeating the words "relax relax relax" to me as they talk about how weak I am. Um, that's not relaxing to hear.
As they began mixing herbs, she took me to the acupuncture room and began my fertility acupuncture. Apparently, they think the needles will open my energy channels to improve my Qi and they are giving a "wake up" call to my reproductive organs. I get the impression, the focus on the herbs these next few weeks is to nourish my Qi, build my blood and send the big "WAKE UP!!"
Today, it hurt! I guess when your Qi is low it can be more painful because it's really opening things up. The ones in my head were tender, between my thumb and forefinger, I barely felt, but the ones in my abdomen? Yowie!! The legs and feet were ok. Typically, there may be a slight poke as they go in, but this time, I'd actually get sporadic bursts of pain throughout the session. It really did feel like a bolt of energy.
As I laid there I tried so hard to relax, but what did I do? Worry. Worried about the fact I ran out of organic decaf and had two cups of "normal" decaf this week. Worry about the fact we never typically eat out, but ate out three times this week, one of those being Taco Bell. Gulp. Worry about the fact I was letting financial stress get hold of me. Worry about the fact my son has peanut and nut allergies now and I have to have a Epi Pen strapped to me at all times. Worry about I had ice cream, twice, this past week. Worry about the fact I was up late crying with my friend and comforting her through some problems.
Which one of those things set me over the edge? I had to do a mental head slap. Seriously, Em. Two cups of not organic decaf coffee aren't enough to hit rock bottom. So, last week wasn't the best. Most likely, everything came to a head and my body was tired today. That doesn't mean it's rock bottom. Just a crappy day.
My temps are just weird. Not high. Not low. In the middle. They were high but then dropped. My thinking, because I was sick, they were elevated before. According to other fertile signs, I could have ovulated last Tuesday. Or, my body is doing a fake out, which I'm rather accustomed to.
I'm suppose to go back next week for acupuncture, but I'll be out of town, so I'll go the following midweek. I'm hoping this session, getting back on track this week and being back on the fertility herbs full time now will mend whatever is broken.
My friend sent me the scripture "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not into thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and He shall direct thy path." A good reminder. Stop worrying about how to fix it. Trust it IS being fixed. My understanding is so limited and because I can't logically or scientifically figure out how things will right themselves, I start to doubt they will. But, that's what faith is, isn't it? Having no idea how it's POSSIBLE, but KNOWING it is.
In theory. Simple. In practice. Really, REALLY hard.
On the upside, we had an amazing family day. We went to a Family Sports Event for the family. It was really, quite incredible. Area vendors were there, all with activities for children. Our son jumped right in. Literally. It was a fun day!
Another woman in a Mommy Group of mine is also struggling with infertility. She kindly sent me a link to her blog. It was sad and beautiful all at the same time looking at her past entries. She tried for THREE YEARS to conceive her daughter trying various fertility treatments and the one cycle off. Wham! Pregnant. That cycle, her pulse was very weak. She'd sent it to me to be uplifting and it was such a blessing she let me in to her years of struggle. I really appreciated being part of her journey.
To all you ladies out there struggling with any kind of infertility. My heart aches with yours. Such a devastating and isolating thing. May you find peace and success growing your family in whatever way you choose. Biological child. DE IVF child. Adopted child. Fostered child.
God Bless!
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