It's the pits.

July 16, 2014

Today has been an emotional and trying day. I tested last Saturday because AF still hasn't come and got a positive. Still faint so I was thinking the POF again and after testing again today...still faint...so back to POF fake outs. Very sad. For any other woman, seeing a faint line on there would be cause for cheer, but for me, it's a "well, it could be a super early positive pregnancy test let me wait on pins and needles for the line to darken, or my body is being stupid again." One step forward two steps back.

I feel like my body was really co-operating and it's struggling again. I'm trying so incredibly hard to stay positive, but days like today just knock me down. I want to have a good cry, but I've a ton of work, it was like WWIII trying to get my son to take a nap who just so happens to be under the weather, I feel like a giant failure in the "acting" world right now unable to even secure auditions and my husband is wanting to throw in the towel here in CA and move to somewhere less expensive (meaning no more acting for me) and I'm all kinds of emotional because my hormones are awry.

To top it off I have, I think, a UTI. I can't even go to the doctor to get it checked out (long story short, CoveredCA, or, Obamacare had a system error and cancelled our health insurance on us. They admitted the glitch and sent a notification to our insurance, but it will take 10-14 days to get fixed. In the mean time...nada insurance) without paying hundreds of dollars for a stupid sample of urine to be tested. Luckily, I have my prescription from last time I had one. It was refilled and I didn't need it. I know...never assume, but I'm in some serious pain here.

I'm posting because I know so many others of you struggle day to day with the emotional and psychological aspects of this. It just sucks.

I will tack on here that my boobs are a bit achy. Kind of hot and tingly at the nipples. I remember they use to get that way, well, they did early in pregnancy, but I recall that feeling as I approached my period before. My chart is all out of whack, but I think I may have ovulated eleven days ago. I guess I'll know for sure in the next few days if I did or my temps are just higher than normal. If my hormones are going berserk that could by what is making my temps look off. FF has me 27 dpo which is obviously not accurate.

In the mean time, I keep taking my herbs, doing my exercises, eating healthy, meditating, praying and trusting that the Lord is working all this out for me because it is not the slightest in my hands.

Confusion, Frustration and Just Plain Blah

July 8, 2014

Well, it's been a while since my last post and I do apologize. I went on vacation (which was amazing and relaxing) to visit my family. 17 glorious days!! I kind of let the "baby making obsession" go out the window. I cheated more than I should have with foods, um, I ate ice cream, didn't obsess about all the organics as much at parties and get togethers and dare I say, had half a drink. Still not wild and crazy, but I "let it go" for a bit.

A few different times I sat down to write but was just feeling out of sorts and didn't. Thinking back, those are probably the times I should. A journey isn't a journey without the highs and lows. I felt very, very low a few of those days.

I intended to write before I left about my TCM appointment. I had delayed ovulation and they, and myself were attributing it to the CP last month. My TCM did say that my pulse was "nervous" and she thought perhaps I was worried about the delayed ovulation, thus making it delayed even more. Could be! At that point, I wasn't really obsessed about it, but it could have been that along with my meeting deadlines with work and packing for our trip.

Fertility Friend marked me as ovulating the day I left for my trip, but I didn't think I did. I never got much fertile CM, my cervix never opened and my temps did jump a bit, but nothing major and I think they remained up due to the three hour time difference. I was temping three hours ahead so my temps would be a bit inflated. I also didn't temp at the same time every day. Here, I temp at 4:30 am, there it was anywhere from 6-8. I decided not to obsess about it because the temps were already varying and I just wanted to sleep!

I did get another +OPK near the end of the trip and although my cervix didn't go super wide, it did get very high, soft and open a bit and then dropped down the next day as my temp shot up, so it could have been then.

In the mean time, I'm just still using the OPK's and tracking so I don't miss it. I'll take the pregnancy test every 4-5 days so if I get a positive I can quit with the herbs.

I was having quite a few days of being discouraged because of the confusion in my cycle and the OPK's remaining dark...not positive but dark. Knowing heightened LH can be caused in POF I was feeling like it was coming back full force. I also had a day or two of what I though were very, very faint positives on my pregnancy test which I attributed to low levels of HCG due to POF. I kept giving it over to God and saying I trust that He and my body are doing what it should. Good news, after my suspected O date, my LH lines have gotten lighter and the HCG test is completely negative so I think my hormones are righting.

I'll be heading back to my TCM in the next few days to have my herbs adjusted and have them see how my body is doing. I did go back to the chiropractor today and all was surprisingly well. I had to be adjusted in a few areas, but considering I've spent the last few weeks on planes, varying beds and sofas and spent a six hour flight with a toddler on my lap (and every other which way) on the plane yesterday, I was in good shape.

I was also a bit out of sorts due to the whole Hobby Lobby / Birth control debacle. I'll keep my personal views out of it because I'm of the feeling no one will change anyone's mind on the issue, but what did strike me as ironic is insurance covers terminating pregnancies but not assisting getting pregnant. I could be wrong, maybe if fertility was required to be covered and a company petitioned to "opt out" of that there would be the same public outrage, but I don't think there would be. In fact, continuing on, it's best to remove Pro-Life/Pro Choice and birth control and abortion out of this. I'm not arguing for or against, but making an observation about how some procedures regarding fertility are considered mainstream, acceptable and a necessity and others are not. A statement someone made about viagra during the conversation really hit home for me (I'll get to that in a minute.)

My frustration lies in the fact it's not just a reproductive choice for me and so many women who are infertile with POF, but a catastrophic health condition. If your ovaries don't work, they don't produce hormones which your body needs. Upon diagnosis I was faced with a list a mile long of what POF does...shortened lifespan, poor life quality, vaginal atrophy, diminished sex drive, extreme mood swings, lack of concentration, and increased risk of osteoporosis (this one was all but guaranteed to me) heart attack, stroke, and various cancers.

Health insurance options may cover birth control pills or HRT, but those don't fix the condition and also have a long list of side effects. Until real research is done on POF, there will be no treatment. And, until health insurance recognizes reproductive infertility as a health condition, there never will be research. Sure, they will do research on high cost reproductive procedures like IVF because people pay for it out of desperation regardless of coverage, but research to cure a condition to make you "operational again"...Hmph. And, if health insurance had to recognize infertility as a "health" condition, they'd most likely have to start covering infertility / fertility at some point.

As my mom says, viagra will always be covered because men run the industry and she has a point. POF is kind of the female equivalent. Someone made a flippant comment during a discussion that if men can't get it up they don't deserve to have children, and in my hormonal state I took great offense because I heard it as "I don't deserve to have children." We'll chalk my over reaction up to the POF raging hormones and I know the person didn't mean one iota of ill will, but in reality, it isn't all that far off. My belief is if abortions are covered, fertility should be. If viagra is covered and researched, POF should be researched, covered and treated as well.

I never engage in political (or religious as the case may be) conversation because I feel it's pointless arguing an issue people are already set in their ways, so forgive me if my ramblings and frustration have riled you up. Not my intention. I was just hoping to work through my feelings and maybe help people look at fertility (and its importance) in another light.  Before my diagnosis I thought of fertility coverage as a "choice" to grow your family and it never hit home that it SHOULD be a choice available, not only to grow your family but treat life altering conditions. I was ignorant. If any other organ in your body didn't function properly, it would be addressed and treated.

Stepping off soap box. <---- Maybe I can just leave my "blah" attitude at the door now and carry on.

In all truth today has been much better. As much as I miss my family, I feel optimistic about things...both my career and fertility.

Hang in there ladies!! God bless!