Biting the Bullet

May 28, 2015

Sorry, I feel like I've left you hanging! I haven't posted because there isn't a huge amount to update you on. I ended up spotting for about 10 days. Looking back at the period before the cycle I actually conceived my son I did the same thing. Interesting, knowing what I know now...

I guess the big news is, that on Monday, my husband approached me and said he wanted to actively pursue embryo adoption. We both had a nice talk and feel that if God wants to bless us with a biological child, it's his time. That could be while we wait, while we draw contracts, after the birth... We don't know, but we trust it. In the mean time, we both feel like this is a good opportunity for our family.

We had an open dialog about foster to adopt too. For many reasons, we've opted at this time to not pursue it. I'm a bit bummed, but realistically, we would have to commit to family meetings with the biological family for potentially 18 months several times a week which would require my not working (which we depend on.) My son now only goes to daycare 3 days (this is when I work) so if we tried to do visits his off days, the poor kid would have his schedule revolve around car rides and waiting around for our foster child's visits. I feel bad about restricting him to that. We love our time together.

The other thing is, and I admire my husband's honesty, he would not be able to be patient and lenient with the biological family without judgement. Fostering would require us keep their reunification at the forefront and to not speak badly of them in front of the child he felt would be challenging, but more to bite his tongue in front of them and when dealing with them. I appreciated his honesty. He's a very, say what you mean kind of guy, and as much as I love him, diplomacy isn't his forte.

I do so love the idea of foster to adopt though and we're still considering it as a future option. We've talked about potentially still doing the training now to see if our views change throughout it and if we are called to pursue it. I'll keep you posted.

So, that's where we're at. Still having faith, trudging along :)

God Bless!

Back to TCM

May 14, 2015

Well, today was back to TCM. My female half of the dynamic duo was back from China, and sadly, rather depressed. I think the full gravity of her father's passing has really hit her. She teared up several times during our session.

My pulses I gather were a bit weak today. She knew right off the bat I was dealing with some emotional things. They diagnosed it as depression. I know what that means for them. Stress, emotions, etc. They told me to "relax relax relax." That seems to be the motto that surrounds me whenever I visit. She did say my tongue looked good, so I guess my body overall is doing better.

I talked to them about my osteopenia diagnosis, low estrogen and trouble sleeping and asked them to brew help for all of the above into my magical herb concoction. My male TCM explained to me that they are really trying to fortify my kidney channel which would help all of the above. The kidney channel controls the ovaries, which control the estrogen, which controls the calcium in my bones. And all of the above help sleep.

Give me an extra dose of that, please.

During my acupuncture they put on a new music mix, which, apparently was suppose to be calming and therapeutic and it could not have been further from it. It was like a combo of Chinese music and an Irish jig. I laid there eyes wide open trying to stop my feet from doing the Riverdance on the table. When she came in to adjust my needles I tried to ask her to change it, but she didn't understand me and left. Ah well. I did mention to him when I was done that I prefer the other music. This one just made me want to dance.

I'm back tracking here to my chiropractor appointment this last Monday. I told him also about the osteopenia and he said he was glad I told him but was concerned if they were putting me on any medications. I told him no that I wanted to treat holistically, bracing myself for any backlash and he gave me the thumbs up and said "good for you. That stuff is nasty. Like, really bad for you."

I've been exploring how to raise my estrogen again. I've been doing more research on phytoestrogens. Although I'm still avoiding soy because it can wreak havoc on normal hormonal function, I'm trying to introduce a few phytoestrogens to see if a higher "estrogen" level in my body can help prevent osteoperosis and consequently lower my FSH enough to let me body take over hormone production.

Some of the phytoestrogen I've been using I believe has helped improve my estradiol levels. In my opinion, the shatavari root helps as well as some of the essential ols.

I feel like this is all a wait and see thing. Some will work. Some won't. And, it's important to remember that everybody's body chemistry is different so what works for me may not work for you.

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday and it feels a little bitter sweet to me. All the hub bub about fertility declining after 35 and throw on top of it I'm technically already post menopausal and it makes me feel like it's a lost cause...and then I regroup and say "Screw it. I reject the stupid diagnosis."

I guess what it all comes down to is faith. I was talking to my friend the other night (who just adopted the embryos) and she was asking me about our plans. I told her I just didn't know. I've been praying so hard for a clear definite sign and I've felt like my faith was lacking I hadn't gotten it yet. I said I was in awe, and a bit jealous how her signs were, quite literally, undeniable.

She said something that was so reassuring to me. She said sometimes you just need to start moving ahead and that your feelings are the best indication of God speaking in your life. If we start training for fost adopt and we get that feeling in our gut it isn't right, it isn't. Or if we start the adoption process with embryos and have that sinking feeling, it isn't right. If we start either and we feel excited...Bingo.

I told her my fear pursuing anything right now is that I've put so much faith in God that I will be healed or miraculously get pregnant, that I feel like I'm saying I've lost my faith if I pursue either option. She made me feel better about it not admitting defeat or losing faith. She made a good point that we could go ahead with either and still conceive. It will never be an "end of the road" situation.

I do feel that we've a lot of wonderful options and I'm excited and really scared to explore them. I know and trust our child will find his or her way into our family. Perhaps God had bigger plans than I intended and I need to graciously accept the journey. And, by that, I mean all the things I've learned about valuing my son even more, my relationship with my husband and family, living every day as healthy as I can, as full as I can and finding a closer relationship to God.

I suppose I've rambled long enough.

God Bless!

POF and Pregnant (not me!)

May 13, 2015

I just had to jump on here and update you all with some wonderful news. The support group I am a woman announced she is pregnant this morning.

She conceived through a non medicated IVF cycle. She had only one follicle, her FSH was 29 and was given a very grim prognosis, but she is now due Jan. 20! There are several more in that same group pregnant now, or holding beautiful babies that conceived 100% naturally with no medical intervention.

For many of us, we were given a one in a million or one in ten million odds, so to have several ladies in a forum of 996 members (many of woman many of whom are NOT trying to conceive, just there for moral support of physical ailments and emotional support) is amazing!! It just goes to show there are a LOT of miracle conceptions out there and those statistics are just not accurate.

I'm hoping this bit of news brings as much joy and a smile to your face as it did to me today!

As for me, I've been spotting over a week now. Annoying to say the least, but my blood work had shown a very high FSH and a lower estradoil level so I figure my body is busy sorting stuff out. I anticipate this is either my "period" and I had a thin endometrial lining from low estrogen, or it's just breakthrough bleeding and I'll start my period in a few weeks. Who knows.

All I DO know, is I had a horrible day yesterday trying to not let the depression take over. I kept telling God I needed a in your face sign and was praying for strength and woke up to this. It completely relieved my anxiety. God is in control. Always is.

God Bless.

Doctor Consult

May 4, 2015

Well, by endocrinologist called with my results. Other than my elevated LH and FSH and low estrogen, all my labs were normal. She even commented that my iron levels, although higher than normal, were far, far lower than she anticipated. She said I'm doing an excellent job managing my hemochromatosis.

She did say her recommendation was estrogen therapy to stop the bone loss. However, she told me until we were done trying to have children, that was out of the question as HRT would do nothing to prevent my bone loss. Interesting because that is what everyone seems to recommend for POF. She said HRT was a low dose estrogen, usually given to post menopausal woman to help with symptoms like hot flashes, but it was not a high enough dose to prevent bone loss in a 35 year old woman. She would put me on birth control pills, which is a much higher dose estrogen until I was 51, at the typical menopausal age.

I think a lot of POF advocates would disagree with the above assessment as HRT is touted as helping to prevent bone loss. I honestly just don't know who or what to believe. In my heart, I don't like the idea of a lifetime of pharmaceuticals that have a list a mile long of side effects.

I did appreciate she didn't push the subject. She said I have to be ready to give up the thought of having a baby first. We scheduled a dexa scan for in two years. She said without therapy she didn't anticipate it getting better, but with calcium, vitamin D and weight bearing exercises hopefully it wouldn't worsen too much.

I did ask her about just having bone loss in the spine and she said there was a bit in my hips as well. They define bone loss as two standard deviations away from another woman my same age. So, -2 is the cut off. My hips were -2.1 and my spine -2.3. So, although it does show bone loss, I don't think it's too alarming to be so slightly below. Given my petite size and low body mass, it's typical to be on the low end of that bell curve.

I really don't like the thought of birth control for the rest of my life. I blame part of my issues on being on it for 15 years to start with. For now, I think I'll just concentrate on being healthy and supplementing. There are a few oils and supplements that are phytoestrogens that I'd like to try to incorporate (slowly so as not to disrupt a good thing I've got going here) to try and elevate my estrogen levels to prevent bone loss naturally.

But, as always, just trusting my body will get things in gear on it's own with God's healing hand.

Cycle Day 42 Check In

May 3, 2015

Just a quick check in for you. Not a whole lot has changed here. Still feeling great, sleeping well and am asymptomatic. I did get a Zyto re-do at the event the other night and am happy to report my heart and inner child (emotional blockages) are clear. I really do think opening up about our struggles helped release a lot of my inner demons and depression.

It was funny, the oil it suggested was Brain Power. I had been running around like a maniac trying to get things set for that evening, juggle work, my son's schedule and some acting things. I had 30 "points" out of line and 20 were from that. So, honestly I just laughed and felt really good about it. I knew that was only a temporary issue from stress and a crazed mind.

The other oil suggested was celery seed, which I thought was really interesting because I can usually smell it in my TCM herbs. It's usually one of the strongest herbs in there, and I remember telling my mom I couldn't smell the celery seed in this last batch. Apparently, my body missed it.

The other one was a cortisol supplement, that I too think was only a temporary issue due to stress.

All in all, my imbalances were minor, which I honestly thought they would be going in. I feel great. My breasts have been a bit tender on and off so I feel like my body is pumping some hormones. I haven't been charting, but I'm on day 42 of this cycle. For now, just plugging along to see what happens.

I go back and forth about charting the next cycle. My TCM wants me to, but I find it liberating not. Honestly, I think I may just hold off on that. I've kind of placed it in God's hands and am trusting that. I feel like charting and all the testing just kept reinstating in my mind I was "sick" versus giving it to God and trusting and expecting I am well. The trusting I am healed has manifested as my feeling good and having no symptoms. I'll go with that. As silly as it sounds, I give my body affirmations it's well and functioning properly. Good thing I've always been a good listener, eh?  ;)

My next chore is to get into a gym. Right now, I've been really conscientious about taking long and fast strolls with my son every other day or so. When I'm working, I take mini breaks and do 50 jumping jacks before sitting back behind the desk. I know it's a minor change, but I want my circulation getting blood where it needs to go (hello, ovaries that's you) and to get some more weight bearing time in for my spine.

It's curious, my aunt went in for her dexa scan after chemo and she mentioned it's good she's being monitored because her sister (my mom ) and I have early onset osteopenia, but only in the spine. Her doctor said she's not convinced we do as any shadow in the spine could register as bone loss. An injury, misalignment, anything. She said she only really went by bone loss in the ankle. My doctor didn't check for that. I do have a phone consult on Monday to go over my results, so I'll ask about the bone loss only in the spine.

Off to church. God Bless and stay strong!