How is my baby almost 13 months?

Dec. 8, 2017

Oh my gracious! How is my sweet boy almost 13 months old? I meant to update at a year and somehow another month passed. We had an incredible celebration. S had a Mickey Mouse party and was just so precious. He wasn't quite certain what to do with his cake, but flung it on his brother who didn't might licking it up in the least. These two are quite a handful. Quite the pair. I couldn't be more blessed.

It has been just incredible watching these two together. R is so, so so patient and kind with his brother. He had a birthday just 11 days after and S of course wants every single toy he grabs. Watching him graciously give everything to S is just so sweet. He has such a tender heart. And, S wants to be just like him. In every way. Their dynamic is so sweet.

He's doing great. He's settled into going to daycare a few days a week so I can work. A new teacher came in, and she has such a gentle spirit. S responds so well to her. He's running around, and WOW, such a climber. My first boy was nothing like that. S, anything he can scale, he will. He's such a determined and resolute little guy. He knows exactly what he wants and will not settle for less. He also has a little temper. If he doesn't get his way, he just throws his little body. I have to be careful he doesn't hurt himself.

On the flip side, he has such a good sense of humor. He's happy and easy going and plays well with others and quietly by himself. His happy place is outdoors and he could go for walks and play out there all day long. We have a back patio with a sliding glass door, and he always whips it wide open to go play in the sandbox. He's sleeping pretty good. The last few weeks, just one wake up per night, so that's a-ok by me. I listen to some women complain, but after R...wow. One wake up, is NICE. R would wake up 10-12 times per night. I was exhausted!!

We're still nursing and that is going strong. He is hit and miss on food. It's ironic, because early on he wanted EVERYTHING. Once he started teething though, he's become very picky. He's on the upper ranges for weight and height though, so I'm not concerned.

Our life is a bit of an upheaval right now. We are renters and our landlords told us they want to sell. We've spent the last several months looking at townhomes for purchase or places to rent. I'm praying the perfect opportunity presents itself. I'm emotional about moving. This was the place we got married, got pregnant, took our babies home. It will be hard to leave.

Work has been busy. My day job is for an inventory specialist and it's been chaotic with all the fires out here in SoCal. Young Living is going great, and I celebrated hitting Silver last month. It's been so fulfilling helping so many people find healthier options in their life. Such a God thing - I'm grateful it was placed in my path. Acting has been sloooooooow. I'm really needing to get my hair cut and some new headshots. One of my goals for the New Year.

On the baby front, I have moments where I'd really like another child. Financially, I know that isn't the most ideal situation. I think my husband is just overwhelmed by the whole idea. I'm sure as time plods on, it will be clear for both of us. Until then, I'm enjoying and thanking God for my two greatest blessings.

Health wise...I feel good. I've been trying to exercise - mostly pushing the stroller, but my hormones don't seem too wacky side effect wise. I take my progessense plus religiously as well as my Biosil, calcium (Young Living's is the bomb dot com) and prenatal (sans iron thank you very much.) I feel good. Just tired...but I credit that to the boys and work. lol

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season.

Blessings!

Almost One Year

Nov. 2, 2017

Wow. This is the one year anniversary of my due date. Granted, he decided to chill in there a little longer until eviction, but I'm amazed. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all. It still feels so vivid and recent that he was born. He's such an amazing kid. He's walking, talking more everyday. Watching him play with his big brother, honestly, it just brings tears to my eyes. They love each other so much. R, my oldest, is just incredible with him. An amazing big brother. And S, our little snowflake, just adores big brother. Always trying to do exactly what he does...which can be dangerous...literally and figuratively. I'm constantly chasing him making sure he doesn't hurt himself. He's fearless.

It's been a wild ride. I look at him everyday and thank my lucky stars. Wow, God knew what he was doing. Our life would NOT be complete without him in it. He has the most boisterous, lovely laugh, and so smart...oh, so smart. When he wakes up in the morning, when I get him out of the crib, he gives me the biggest bear hug. Feeling those arms wrapped around me...there is nothing like it.

R is thriving in school. He's in TK now and I'm shaking my head how that happened. He'll be five next month. I look at S turning one and then think, how in the world have five years gone by. I remember starting this blog four years ago, traumatized by having to wean him. Four years I've been here. Amazing. It really makes me think over this whole journey. There were some hard times. Lots of tears. But, oh so worth it. If you are reading - so. worth. it.

I'm going to make an effort to check in here more often.

God Bless!

Almost seven months

June 5, 2017

Wow! It's hard to believe, but we are less than a week away from 7 months. SEVEN MONTHS!! How did that happen? Our sweet boy is growing fast and he is such a sweet kid. He has the biggest belly laugh and his smile literally lights up the room. He's perfect in every way. He's a big guy! We got to his doctor's appointment tomorrow, but he's well over 19 lbs now and last appointment he was in the 96th percentile for height.

Sometimes I just catch myself staring at him and thinking about this whole journey. When I started this blog, I couldn't fathom it would end up here, but man am I blessed. I shake my head now...I wouldn't have written our story any other way.

I never mentioned his name...we'll call him S. Big brother is R. S is a delight to watch. I love this age. Watching them learn things is simply amazing to me. You can literally see the thought process in his little face as he tries something new. He's sitting up, trying to scoot around, feeding himself. Isn't it crazy how much babies learn in the first year? They go from one cell to an ENTIRE baby in 9 months...then that first year they evolve from a helpless little baby to a thinking, rationalizing little individual. Amazing.

Our boys are best buds. S screams every time his big brother leaves the room. He absolutely adores him. Just these last few weeks to the two have started playing together. Not just R entertaining his baby brother...legit playing together. I got teary eyed last night watching. I remember so distinctly R asking me for a baby and holding back tears just a few short years ago.

Adjusting to life with two has been an adventure. In a lot of ways, it was much easier than I anticipated. I think the age gap was ideal. R is old enough to be a great helped and can entertain himself when need be, and fortunately we have a pretty easy going little guy. He sleeps decent. Typically, he wakes once or twice at night. I kind of giggle listening to people get horrified he's still waking at night...but, to be honest, our first son woke anywhere from 6-12 times per night up until 14 months...sooooooo, once or twice, totally doable.

Logistically there are small challenges with time, trying to put S to bed and get R fed at the same time. Basically, what every mother struggles with. I sometimes feel bad for our older son because I know he doesn't have as much one on one time or feels left out. I really try to make sure we get quality time, especially at night once S is in bed. Story time and snuggle time are special. We finally got S accepting a bottle occasionally, so I want to make sure R and I hang a bit more. He needs that one on one time with me. Thankfully, he gets a lot of quality time with daddy.

Balancing work and finances have really been our biggest hurdles. I'm simply unable to pull as many hours so things have been tight. My husband has been working as our associate youth pastor at church and catering and bartending when shifts are available, but it is just SO tight. It is just so darn expensive here. I look at real estate listings back home and for 1/3 our rent, we could have a huge beautiful home with land. Kills me.

S starts daycare three days a week next month and just thinking about it gets me misty eyed. I simply don't want to send him...but it's one of those ya gotta do it situations in order to make ends meet. I've been really putting a lot of focus on building my Young Living oil business (shameless plug - go here for oils) so I can leave my "day job" and just be a mom, educate about oils and focus on acting again. It's been months since I've had any great auditions, and sadly, I've just not had time or energy to spend the necessary time on it. I really, really miss it. It's why I moved here. I need that little wiggle room to make it work, and quite honestly, I'm a total oil dork who loves using them and learning more about them everyday. I've taking to listening to lectures in the background while I'm working and I seriously am amazed by how powerful they are. Talk about God made everything with purpose.

As for my POF, I'm still asymptomatic. The only thing I could say I have is brain fog, but I think that is more "mom balancing 4298 things" fog than anything else. I was losing hair by the handfulls, like, horrid, and I'm not sure if that was JUST post partum hair loss or something else, because someone recommended I get a good fulvic mineral supplement and a silica supplement and my hair magically stopped falling out. My friend works for some of the leading supplement manufacturers and suggested the Vital Earth Fulvic-Humic blend and Biosil for silica.

As I researched silica, it's actually a collagen generator which is why it's so good for nail and hair health, but what's more, with my osteopenia history, it's great for bone health. Win win. I started taking a really good natural raw calcium when I was pregnant too that I like by Garden of Life. The doctor actually called me for my Dexa scan, but since I was nursing, they told me that bone loss is usually so gradual that I should call back once my son weaned and we'd do it then. I'm really hoping using the silica and raw calcium will increase my bone density.

All in all. Life is good. My boys are my world and I have to pinch myself how lucky we are.  I emailed our clinic a while back to ensure our coordinator was holding our extra embryo. We still are uncertain if we will transfer it, but I want that option available. In my heart, I know I'd transfer 100%. My husband however...still very uncertain. And, realistically, right now, financially that isn't feasible. But, it's amazing how God takes care of us. Every time I question how something will work and actually STOP trying to figure it out on my own and give it over to him...he always has a way. I mean, honestly, that's how we ended up here. I tried to "fix" my body for years, gave it over to God and he brought this amazing, incredible little boy into our lives and I would not change a single thing. So blessed.

Dear Embryo Donor

Dear Anonymous Embryo Donor,

You don't know me. I may just look like an average woman on the street. Maybe you see me hurried to get my son to school or hear my laughter ring out. You may see me smiling with friends or waiting in a grocery line. But, that isn't all of me.

You haven't seen my tears or seen me crumble in a pile asking God why. You haven't heard my prayers or glimpsed the pain in my eyes at yet another negative test. You don't know the burden on my heart or my marriage... You changed that.

You have blessed me. You have dried my eyes. You have answered my prayers. You have put a glint of happiness in my eyes and joy into my heart.

Dear donor, you have allowed me to once again feel that optimism of a positive pregnancy test. You have allowed me that moment of utter delight and tears or joy to see that flicker of a heart and hear that beautiful beat. You've given me the chance to experience the exhaustion, the sickness, the discomfort of growing a baby, and I'm grateful. You have allowed me to feel my baby move around inside me, taking my breath away with each kick. You have allowed me the utter amazement as I look at an ultrasound and count ten little fingers and ten little toes. See a little nose and mouth, legs and arms. You have given me the gift of childbirth - each mind boggling contraction bringing forth absolutely raw emotion and unmatched strength I didn't know I was capable of. You allowed me to see my incredible boy being brought into this world. To hold his slippery little body against my chest as his cord stopped pumping. For his father to cut the cord and stare at amazement at his son. To look into his big brown eyes and kiss every inch of his perfect little body. You have allowed me to feed him and sustain him. To hug him and cuddle him.

You have allowed me the honor or waking up to feed him, calm him, change him and love him. Utterly exhausted, I'm still grateful to catch a glimpse of his sweet face as he nurses by moonlight, to breathe in his unmistakable scent as I rock him to sleep, to feel that soft tickle of his hair against my chin.

You have allowed me the honor of calming him when he is tired. Hugging him when he is scared. Consoling him when he is inconsolable. You have granted me the privilege of caring for him when he is sick, fighting for him when he is helpless and loving him with every ounce of my being.

You have graced me with the gift of his laughter and his wide bright smile that lights up a room. You have let me be amazed by his strength, his easy demeanor and his endless chatter.

Dear donor, I will never be able to look you in the eyes and thank you from the very core of my being for such a selfless gift. You undoubtedly questioned what to do. You most likely wondered if a family could love your babies as much as you could. You may have considered destroying your embryos or donating them to science. You may have wavered wondering if you could do it. Let them go. You may have cried, questioned, cursed, yelled.

Thank you for your selflessness. Thank you for blessing our family with the gift of a child. Thank you for blessing our son with a life. An opportunity to grow, love, live. We will always let him know he was conceived, in love. You loved him so much you gave him an opportunity at life. He was wanted from day one. By you. By us. He will know how much we yearned for him. Prayed for him. He will know he is loved by all of us.

I look at my son and tears spring to my eyes on a daily basis knowing had you made a different decision, he would not exist. That is unfathomable to me. He is perfect. He is special. He is loved. I know with every fiber of my being our son was intended for us by God. He is with us for a reason.

Dear donor. Thank you. We love you. We pray for you.

You may look like an average man and woman on the street...but you are more. You are our angels. God bless you always.