Goodbye 2022

 Dec 31, 2022

Last day of the year. I'm feeling really sad and sentimental tonight. It was nine years ago tonight that my premature ovarian failure journey began. I remember I took a pregnancy test before taking a sip of champagne and it was positive. From there, it all unraveled. Who knew positives tests don't always mean positive. 

I wouldn't trade my journey for anything. I got my son from it, but tonight it just reminds me after our most recent loss, or miss, or whatever you want to call it, how much it sucks to not be in control. A month ago, I was going to bed hopeful and optimistic for our transfer the next day. 

Tonight, we were suppose to be in AZ visiting my in-laws, but the night before we left, my mother in law came tested positive for COVID. She's doing ok, just run down. I think us not getting out of town as we planned and not being near family compounds all the big feelings I'm having right now.

We are gearing up to move again in two months, so I stare at all the bins of baby clothes and cloth diapers and baby things I'd saved and it just sickens me to give them all away. But it's silly for me to lug them to yet another house. When I did my purge last time we moved six months ago, we got rid of a lot. I pared it all down to clothes we'd reuse and gave all the rest away. I gave away all the baby toys and gear except two bins of my favorites. We donated the crib and highchair to the church knowing we could borrow them as needed if our transfer worked. Now...now...it just seems ridiculous to hold on to it all.

I keep telling myself even if I clear it all out, if we do get blessed in some way, I can get our needs from the local buy nothing group. Lord knows I've given away hundreds of items through there amidst our move and purge...but it just seems final. It feels like I'm giving up or moving on. But my heart isn't there. I'm not ready to move on.

I thought I would be. We thought we would be. We decided to transfer saying if it doesn't work, we'd have closure. Neither of us feel it. At all. 

After the failed transfer the doctor called me. My hormone levels were perfect. My lining was perfect. The transfer was perfect. He said it just must've been the embryo. That I could obviously get pregnant and carry a pregnancy and everything else looked good. But it was our last. He said we could use an egg donor, but I said no. That's not something we can afford. I did ask if all the embryos were used that were donated in our batch. He said it would take some digging, but he'd look into it. With the holidays if we didn't hear back by mid-January to call. I don't know if that is realistic, but certainly can't hurt to follow through.

If there are none, I'm not quite sure where that leaves us. The thought of trying to match and going through it all emotionally and financially seems daunting and irresponsible...but my heart sure says otherwise. 

I don't know. I'm just feeling lonely and sad. No one knows. I can't talk about it. I just want to be angry or sad sometimes and there is no one to talk through it with. My husband and I still talk but it's more of a we just don't know how to process it talk. 

It's the holidays and we are without family. Friends all had their own plans. I guess I just feel lonely and sad. Having my own little pity party tonight.

No words

 12/17/2022

I wish I could tell you how many unpublished posts are in my queue. But, none will be published. I can't find a subscriber list and think it's nonexistent at this point, so my publishing this is purely cathartic, and I *think* safe from eyes I know. My hope is I can find solace once again in the cyber infertility world.

Long story short, after five years of not thinking we had another embryo we got a HUGE bill from our clinic. Apparently, when the clinic merged with another financial billing firm, our account must've gotten lost. No one would tell us or confirm we had an embryo left and it was assumed it was re-donated since we'd had a live birth. Until we got a bill. I called billing immediately to check if we still had the embryo and was told that IF we did they would call us immediately. If not, just disregard the bill because systems had merged and a lot of people were being billed for embryos they didn't have. No phone call. A few months later an even BIGGER bill arrived. This time taking me to collections. WHAT???

I called the billing, the clinic and emailed every single email I could find. Including our doctor directly. HE was the one who replying and cc'd everyone who was pertinent to get to the bottom of it. We DID have an embryo. They'd waive a PORTION of the bill but not all of it. We were stunned.

This was over a year ago. As we grappled with all of this, we decided just to go through with all the preliminary things to see if a transfer was possible and my overall health. We did the initial ultrasound, all the bloodwork, the sonohysterogram, mammogram, etc and all was A-ok. Perfect in fact.

It took us a year to pray over it, think over it, be of the same heart, mind and body for this, save for it (including back storage they didn't waive because we couldn't get our embryo if we didn't pay $2000 EVEN though we'd been unaware we had an embryo - still bitter about it) and we transferred. And it didn't work. We are just absolutely devastated. We found out the official beta <2 last Tuesday. 

We decided that we would do this alone. No one knew. No one. No friends. No family. Not our kids. No one. Outside voices didn't help. Opinions and thoughts others knew better clouded the only voice that we knew meant anything. And boy, did we pray. A lot. And although it was something we shared together as a couple, we also both now carry that burden and pain alone. My heart aches. I'm angry. Frustrated. I have no idea why God would bring us through all this. I keep repeating the words "Your will be done" hoping for clarity or answers and getting none. I know long term we will find the answer. We will find peace, but right now, it's just a lot of pain.

And we are walking it in isolation. We are both grieving in waves. We both have fleeting what if thoughts. What if we'd done it sooner. What if we'd push harder with the clinic earlier. I've moments berating myself for things I could have done to make it more successful, gain more weight, exercise more, did I do TOO much bedrest, not enough, did I take my meds the same time every day. My mind reiterates none of that truly mattered. God's will is God's will, but the hurt and pain remains. We both feel just complete sadness and that WHY. We both thought we'd have closure even if it didn't work knowing we gave that little baby a chance, but neither of us do. We both thought so strongly, we both KNEW we'd have another child. I can't explain it. And we won't. Grieving that loss...hurts.

My period started as a great big flag of failure and every time I change I see the bruises from injections on my stomach and bottom. A gentle (or literal painful) reminder of the journey.

So, for now, we are just processing grief in waves. Trusting in God that someday we will understand. Until then, I ask His forgiveness for my bouts of frustration and anger and barrage of questions and grief and thinking I know better than Him. 

PUPO plus one day

  Edit: I never published this blog post for fear people would read it before I was ready. After our transfer was negative, I never wanted to publish it, but I've always been transparent about our journey, so feel I should... It still hurts.

Dec. 2, 2022

Well, yesterday was the big day. My labs had come back nice from my final appointment on Weds. Lining was 10.69, estrogen was 520 and progesterone 494.

So, yesterday morning, we got the kids off to school and scurried to the doctor's office. We had one little hatching embryo. They didn't regrade it after thaw, but he said it was high quality and it was good news it was hatching. When we looked at the photo, we both kind of giggled. It looks like a snowman. We decided we'd refer to this little embryo as Frosty. 

There were two photos. The one they gave us and one slightly progressed moving out of the shell that they put up on the screen. I got in my very exposed position, he threaded the catheter, the embriologist came in, and boom. Done. It is always neat because you can see the embryo go in and snuggle down. It's a little burst of white light.

After that, I laid there for ten minutes, emptied my bladder (thank you God!) and we headed home. My husband was sweet - got everything ready for me before he went to work. Got soup ready for me to reheat in the fridge, sparkling water, tea, popcorn, a butterfinger in case I needed something sweet and off he went.

My doctor didn't want "bed rest" perse, but just to take it easy, Rest and relax. So I turned on some tv and did some work. After school, my youngest came home for a snuggle - oldest was at gym, and then they went to his baseball pizza party. I got teary eyed, my husband sent a video - he earned "Best Sportsman" for the season. Pretty much the highest honor in my opinion. He is actually REALLY talented at baseball. He's six, but clearly very talented. His understanding of the game is uncanny.

Last night I did all my meds and slept downstairs. The PIO shots are really hurting this time. I feel like it's really hard for me to get moving. My muscles are just so achy. I don't know if I'm doing them too low, or just that is how my body is responding this time. The Lovenox stung a bit, but I actually don't have any bruising this morning. I wonder if the bruising will get worse as we go because my blood will be thinner.

Today, more just relaxing and working from home. This weekend I'm sure will get a bit more hectic with kid's schedules. I'm just suppose to take it easy. Not lift more than 10 lbs for a while and not to heavy exercise, no sex until heartbeat. Walking is fine so I'll start that back up tomorrow.

All in all, pretty good. Hoping this little angel snuggles in for the long haul. We love Frosty already!