No words

 12/17/2022

I wish I could tell you how many unpublished posts are in my queue. But, none will be published. I can't find a subscriber list and think it's nonexistent at this point, so my publishing this is purely cathartic, and I *think* safe from eyes I know. My hope is I can find solace once again in the cyber infertility world.

Long story short, after five years of not thinking we had another embryo we got a HUGE bill from our clinic. Apparently, when the clinic merged with another financial billing firm, our account must've gotten lost. No one would tell us or confirm we had an embryo left and it was assumed it was re-donated since we'd had a live birth. Until we got a bill. I called billing immediately to check if we still had the embryo and was told that IF we did they would call us immediately. If not, just disregard the bill because systems had merged and a lot of people were being billed for embryos they didn't have. No phone call. A few months later an even BIGGER bill arrived. This time taking me to collections. WHAT???

I called the billing, the clinic and emailed every single email I could find. Including our doctor directly. HE was the one who replying and cc'd everyone who was pertinent to get to the bottom of it. We DID have an embryo. They'd waive a PORTION of the bill but not all of it. We were stunned.

This was over a year ago. As we grappled with all of this, we decided just to go through with all the preliminary things to see if a transfer was possible and my overall health. We did the initial ultrasound, all the bloodwork, the sonohysterogram, mammogram, etc and all was A-ok. Perfect in fact.

It took us a year to pray over it, think over it, be of the same heart, mind and body for this, save for it (including back storage they didn't waive because we couldn't get our embryo if we didn't pay $2000 EVEN though we'd been unaware we had an embryo - still bitter about it) and we transferred. And it didn't work. We are just absolutely devastated. We found out the official beta <2 last Tuesday. 

We decided that we would do this alone. No one knew. No one. No friends. No family. Not our kids. No one. Outside voices didn't help. Opinions and thoughts others knew better clouded the only voice that we knew meant anything. And boy, did we pray. A lot. And although it was something we shared together as a couple, we also both now carry that burden and pain alone. My heart aches. I'm angry. Frustrated. I have no idea why God would bring us through all this. I keep repeating the words "Your will be done" hoping for clarity or answers and getting none. I know long term we will find the answer. We will find peace, but right now, it's just a lot of pain.

And we are walking it in isolation. We are both grieving in waves. We both have fleeting what if thoughts. What if we'd done it sooner. What if we'd push harder with the clinic earlier. I've moments berating myself for things I could have done to make it more successful, gain more weight, exercise more, did I do TOO much bedrest, not enough, did I take my meds the same time every day. My mind reiterates none of that truly mattered. God's will is God's will, but the hurt and pain remains. We both feel just complete sadness and that WHY. We both thought we'd have closure even if it didn't work knowing we gave that little baby a chance, but neither of us do. We both thought so strongly, we both KNEW we'd have another child. I can't explain it. And we won't. Grieving that loss...hurts.

My period started as a great big flag of failure and every time I change I see the bruises from injections on my stomach and bottom. A gentle (or literal painful) reminder of the journey.

So, for now, we are just processing grief in waves. Trusting in God that someday we will understand. Until then, I ask His forgiveness for my bouts of frustration and anger and barrage of questions and grief and thinking I know better than Him.