No words

 12/17/2022

I wish I could tell you how many unpublished posts are in my queue. But, none will be published. I can't find a subscriber list and think it's nonexistent at this point, so my publishing this is purely cathartic, and I *think* safe from eyes I know. My hope is I can find solace once again in the cyber infertility world.

Long story short, after five years of not thinking we had another embryo we got a HUGE bill from our clinic. Apparently, when the clinic merged with another financial billing firm, our account must've gotten lost. No one would tell us or confirm we had an embryo left and it was assumed it was re-donated since we'd had a live birth. Until we got a bill. I called billing immediately to check if we still had the embryo and was told that IF we did they would call us immediately. If not, just disregard the bill because systems had merged and a lot of people were being billed for embryos they didn't have. No phone call. A few months later an even BIGGER bill arrived. This time taking me to collections. WHAT???

I called the billing, the clinic and emailed every single email I could find. Including our doctor directly. HE was the one who replying and cc'd everyone who was pertinent to get to the bottom of it. We DID have an embryo. They'd waive a PORTION of the bill but not all of it. We were stunned.

This was over a year ago. As we grappled with all of this, we decided just to go through with all the preliminary things to see if a transfer was possible and my overall health. We did the initial ultrasound, all the bloodwork, the sonohysterogram, mammogram, etc and all was A-ok. Perfect in fact.

It took us a year to pray over it, think over it, be of the same heart, mind and body for this, save for it (including back storage they didn't waive because we couldn't get our embryo if we didn't pay $2000 EVEN though we'd been unaware we had an embryo - still bitter about it) and we transferred. And it didn't work. We are just absolutely devastated. We found out the official beta <2 last Tuesday. 

We decided that we would do this alone. No one knew. No one. No friends. No family. Not our kids. No one. Outside voices didn't help. Opinions and thoughts others knew better clouded the only voice that we knew meant anything. And boy, did we pray. A lot. And although it was something we shared together as a couple, we also both now carry that burden and pain alone. My heart aches. I'm angry. Frustrated. I have no idea why God would bring us through all this. I keep repeating the words "Your will be done" hoping for clarity or answers and getting none. I know long term we will find the answer. We will find peace, but right now, it's just a lot of pain.

And we are walking it in isolation. We are both grieving in waves. We both have fleeting what if thoughts. What if we'd done it sooner. What if we'd push harder with the clinic earlier. I've moments berating myself for things I could have done to make it more successful, gain more weight, exercise more, did I do TOO much bedrest, not enough, did I take my meds the same time every day. My mind reiterates none of that truly mattered. God's will is God's will, but the hurt and pain remains. We both feel just complete sadness and that WHY. We both thought we'd have closure even if it didn't work knowing we gave that little baby a chance, but neither of us do. We both thought so strongly, we both KNEW we'd have another child. I can't explain it. And we won't. Grieving that loss...hurts.

My period started as a great big flag of failure and every time I change I see the bruises from injections on my stomach and bottom. A gentle (or literal painful) reminder of the journey.

So, for now, we are just processing grief in waves. Trusting in God that someday we will understand. Until then, I ask His forgiveness for my bouts of frustration and anger and barrage of questions and grief and thinking I know better than Him. 

7 weeks 3 days

March 20, 2016

Just checking in. Pretty much exhausted and feeling sick all the time, so that sounds like good news. My biggest struggle right now is staying hydrated. I'm not throwing up, but water and liquids just make me feel ill. I'm trying to mix it up with sparkling juice and waters. As for food, just trying to eat often and small. A slice of cheese is sometimes all I can handle, but that's ok. Just nibbling every few hours so my blood sugar doesn't drop. I just feel full, like I ate five plates at Thanksgiving and want to vomit full, All. The. Time.

As for the bed rest, or couch rest, I've let up a bit. As my doctor said, with no bleeding, I can get up on my feet and do some slight excursions or activities for 15 min or so. Although nothing crazy, I stopped by a friend's baby shower Friday night and promptly parked myself on the couch and went to a baby expo Saturday and made myself homey in a glider that was for sale. I will say I started to feel a bit crampy on the last outing, so we took it easy today. I did go to a friend's church to watch her son speak, but that was literally walking from the door to a chair and back again. I'm really hoping Weds brings good news about moving around a bit more. I miss my walks and I think they helped last pregnancy manage morning sickness.

Not a whole lot of food sounds good perse, except carbs, which I know really means I need more protein, so I've been trying to stick with protein. The only food that DOES sound good all the time in pickled green beans that my parents can. Silly, but oh my goodness. Spicy and salty...sooooo good. Thankfully they are coming to visit in a month so I'm trying to savor the two jars I have.

Other than that, waiting to go in Weds and praying to see a nice strong heartbeat and healed SCH.

God bless.

Subchorionic Hematoma

March 15,

We are 6 weeks and 5 days! It was back to the doctor today and perfect timing. As soon as we pulled up to the office and I put one foot out of the car I felt a huge gush of blood. I kept hoping it was just endometrin discharge from my meds, but I could tell it was something more. I went immediately to the bathroom and gah. I'd have two liners on and it'd soaked through. Eck. Thankfully they are well stocked on pads.

I could feel a dull ache and cramping on the way and was thinking it was my jeans which are already feeling a bit tight. Can I just wear leggings or sweats this whole pregnancy? Seems legit to me, right? When I felt that gush though...

Perfect timing if it were to happen though right? And, I'd been forewarned by the doctor it'd occur again. I'd kind of lucked out until now so I thought maybe I'd be getting off easy.

It was in for the blood draw and back to waiting for my ultrasound. As soon as I got in, the doctor's assistant was scheduled to do my ultrasound today. I like her so I wasn't about complaining it was her. She found the baby right away and already I could tell he or she had grown considerably since last Thursday. Sure enough, our little snowflake was measuring right on target, 6 weeks 5 days. I could see that little flicker of a heart beat too. Always so reassuring. My husband took a little video of the heart and you can even see the little bean moving around a bit. It's so amazing so early that little life is moving, has a beating heart...just amazing.

The thing I was most relieved to see was the dark black line that was the "tear" last time looked considerably smaller to my untrained eye. She said it was a different angle, but even after she moved the wand around, it didn't look as long. It looked a tad thicker in one area, but didn't extend the whole side of the placenta.

Here are the photos. Top is 6 weeks. See the dark black line below the placenta? That is the tear. Bottom is  6 weeks 5 days. The dark line doesn't look as menacing. And, look how much the baby had grown. Amazing how quickly they grow!

She said the clot would hopefully be reabsorbed or bleed out, which it was doing now. Until it was clear, bedrest. My husband clarified what that meant. She basically said only get up to eat or go to the bathroom when I was bleeding. When I wasn't move slow, avoid lifting or straining and only do light activity. Try to limit errands to 15 minutes or so and keep my feet up. If no bleeding, I could do the stairs, incredibly slow and carefully. If I had cramping or any spotting or bleeding, no more.

They wanted me back next week for monitoring. I asked if since I had a visit scheduled with my OB next Weds if that could count as my monitoring visit since prenatal care is covered there and this is out of pocket and they said sure. As long as my OB releases photos of my u/s and my blood tests, I'm ok to go there next week. If my OB agrees to weekly monitoring, then I can do it there under my insurance, but if not, I'll still have to go back to the RE the weeks I'm not seen there. Fingers crossed my OB is cooperative. Considering it's an existing pregnancy and a complication, I'd assume it would be covered since it has nothing to do with "fertility" itself.

We've been very blessed throughout all this. I asked our prayer chain at church just for prayer throughout all this and dinner miraculously appeared on our doorstep last night. They put together a small chain to bring meals every other day so we don't have to worry about food or grocery shopping. It's amazing what a relief that is.

My husband has been diligently submitting applications on the days our son is in childcare to find in town employment. It looks like he will be leaving next week. We're still debating how to make it work, but I think I can put our son in full time daycare for the interim until everything is completely better. I know a few moms from the school would work with me to pick him up or drop him off since we are literally across the street. Our son has been doing really good understanding and having patience I can't do everything to help him.

I can't imagine this will be a long term set back. If so, I talked to my mom about coming to help for a bit and my mother in law offered as well. We'll see how the next week goes before making any arrangements. I'm optimistic it will be short lived.

Until next time - kicking my feet up, drinking lots of water, trying to relax and being grateful for this little one growing day by day.

God bless!

Highs and Lows

March 10, 2016

Well, the last 36 hrs have been a roller coaster.

Everything stated out great yesterday. I went it for my third beta and my coordinator called with great news.

Estradiol 1560
Progesterone >60
HCG 14,497

Awesome numbers for being almost six weeks along. So, happy dance.

A few hrs later though, I started bleeding bright red...a lot. And, I freaked. I called the doctor who was closed and got their answering service. Because "blood" was mentioned they patched me through to the on call doctor who happened to be mine.

I think he was seriously debating driving in last night to meet me at the office. Instead, we decided feet up, lots of fluids and bedrest for the night. I'd come in first thing today.

I was suppose to host an event with my friend tomorrow so I text her explaining what was going on, and she of course didn't care about the event. She was so sweet. They are LDS and in their faith, her husband holds the rite of "priesthood" and she offered him to come say a prayer over me. I was so touched I accepted so he and another friend, also LDS, came and anointed me with oil and said a prayer.

They were very sweet to explain what they were doing and why. Growing up Catholic, I wasn't weirded out my anointing or prayers. My husband and myself found it very comforting. I'd actually picked up a book before they came and was reading over scriptures about comfort and God's promise regarding no one shall miscarry.

When they left, I felt peaceful. I knew everything would be ok. Worry kept creeping in, yes and totally woke me several times, but by this morning, the bright red flow was pink spotting. Greatly reassuring.

My friend offered to watch our son so my husband could come to my appointment with me. When we arrived they decided to run my blood work again to check all my levels and after a wait, we finally got to go in. Everyone was very reassuring that bleeding is pretty common after IVF procedures.

As soon as he inserted the wand, I could see the sac in my uterus and we saw the tiniest of tiny babies. And, wait for it, a flicker! None of us expected to see a heart beat. I am only 6 weeks today. But there it was. He enlarged it and it was the most beautiful site. He turned up the volume and tears just erupted. I'm sure he sees that all the time, but I didn't even care what he though. He shows us the yolk, the baby, the heart beat and explained the baby looked perfect.

he then showed me the dark line and explained that it was a rip between the placenta and the uterus. He said there was a minimal chance of miscarriage, but that these tend to resolve themselves with close monitoring and bedrest. He told me for the next week to stay on bedrest, avoid any lifting, or strenuous reaching or exercise and absolutely take it easy.

He told us to keep our Tuesday appointment and to rest until then. So, here I am feet up.

Since that was my fertility doctor, I emailed my OB as well. I wanted it on record the issues I was having and also to see if it required any closer monitoring there. In all honesty, if my OB can do the bulk of monitoring it'd be SO much cheaper since it's all covered. Today, just going in and having labs run with an u/s was $445. I'm soooooo glad I did though. Money well spent. Reassurance and his expertise worthy way more than gold!

We're not certain what we are going to do in regards to my husband working. He travels out of town and obviously if I'm restricted to bed, that won't work. He is staying in town through next week. After that, we have a few options if the bedrest continues. Put our son in full time daycare when he's traveling and try to arrange for someone to come in the evenings or just have my son and I camp out in the living room every night (since I can't use the stairs) or see if some family will come out. I spoke with my mom briefly and she's willing to come if need be.

For now, rejoicing in hearing that little bean's heart. Feeling so grateful and relieved. I know this little one will be just fine. I just need to rest and take care of myself and the baby.

God Bless!

Update: My clinic just called and my numbers are great.

Estradiol 1228
Progesterone 44.7
HCG 18.379 which is a 70 hr doubling. Way ahead of the projected 96 hr doubling at this point.

Second Beta

March 2, 2016

Today was beta 2 day! I wasn’t as nervous going in this time knowing I had a strong number Monday, and I’d gone to the pharmacy to pick up my meds yesterday and taken a pregnancy test at Kaiser which turned immediately despite diluted urine, so I felt my numbers must be increasing.

Estrogen 535

Progesterone 42

HCG 2743

At first I got a bit uneasy because my numbers were slightly under the 48 hour doubling rate – 193 to be exact. I had a 89% doubling rate meaning my doubling time was closer to 52 or 53 hours. But, Google happy that I was, all the medical sites clearly stated doubling was 48-72 hrs when your HCG is up to 1200 and 72-96 hrs 1200-6000. After that it is >96 hrs. So, I’m still on the higher end of that.

Now, totally wish my coordinator had said that, but she DID tell me it’s a great number and not to worry it was slightly under. Still think the whole 72-96 hr doubling rate would have been worth mentioning, but ah well.

She did say my estrogen had dropped, but asked if tonight was my delestrogen shot. She said that was the reason. The day before my last draw I’d taken it, so it was on the lower end today because I’m due for it again. As far as my progesterone dropping a bit, I was a bit worried, but she said that they want it over 25, so even though it dropped, at 42, it’s still well over their mark they shoot for.

It’s so bizarre. This whole TTC journey is just so nerve-racking. I feel good and confident (after I talked myself down) but I just need to trust. So far this baby is growing nicely, so keep on little one.

My nurse from my OBs office called. Again, we went through the when was your last menstrual cycle. I’m not certain how many times I will have to say it doesn’t matter, I did a frozen embryo transfer on the 16^th. I don’t think that is an option to plug into their computer, and they instinctively treat that as “ovulation” day projecting my due date, but I have to keep restating the embryo was 5 days old. She kept insisting I was exactly 4 weeks and I was saying, “No, I’m 4 weeks 6 days.”

Ah well, it will get sorted out. I go into my OB on the 23^rd, so I will be 7 weeks 6 days. It will be exactly one week after my ultra sound with my RE. I wanted to try and push it a week, but they really were adamant I go between 7 and 8 weeks, so I think it’ll be fine. I still have to drive in for the blood draws at my fertility clinic because my insurance won’t cover them. The nice thing about this, is all my prenatal visits are covered, so I’m going to double dip as this for my second ultra sound so I don’t have to pay out of pocket at my RE for the second one.

I just can’t wait to hear the little heartbeat. There is such peace in knowing the heart is beating strong.

For now, I’m pregnant. The betas are looking good! My boobs are very sore, that is for sure and I’m tired. Other than a few moments of nausea this afternoon, I’m feeling great.

God bless! 

First Beta

Feb. 29, 2016

Happy leap day! It was also beta day! Sooooo much better than the last one.

Are you ready for it? Drum. Roll. Please....

HCG 1468!
Estradiol 1344
Progesterone 52.84

My doctor said my levels were right on target and my HCG was high for my date. 13dp5dt or the equivalent of 18 days past ovulation. I'm just excited to know this little guy / gal is burrowing in and getting snugly for the long haul.

I have to go back Weds to check on doubling. Ideally, HCG doubles every 48-72 hrs; however I read that once it's over 1200 it slows down a bit. We shall see what the number is Weds - praying for good numbers.

My husband is out of town, so once I got my son dropped off to school I hopped in the car and headed to my draw. The traffic was a bit of a nightmare and it took me over an hour to get there, but I knew it'd be quick to do the blood draw and I could head home to work. The lab tech was my usual woman, so sweet.

When I went to check out the receptionist asked me if I'd cheated and this time I was able to say yes with a smile :) "Congrats! From here on out you pay out of pocket."

LOL, funny how that is the second thing out of their mouth. Yeah yeah yeah. I get it.

I was getting rather agitated I didn't hear sooner from the doctor's office. They close at 5 and it wasn't until 4:30 that I finally heard back from the nurse. I know first betas they usually make the call between noon and 1, so once it hit 4 I emailed and left a voice message. My coordinator finally called me back and gave me a long explanation for why she hadn't called sooner just leaving me on the phone rolling my eyes like "get to it already." She started with my estradiol, then my progesterone and then I hear "Where did I put your HCG, I swear it was right here."

COME ON ALREADY!!!

1468! Yippee!

So, back on Weds for a second draw, then I believe a week later for a third and then back for my first ultrasound the following week. I don't know the date for sure, but if they are working on weeks, I'd be 6 weeks 6 days for the first ultra sound on March 16.

Pray for a good doubling number for me! I'm so excited. Thank you, God! Thank you, God! Thank you, God!

10dp5dt

Feb. 26, 2016

Getting so close to beta day! So many ladies go in at 9dp5dt or 10, but my clinic has been holding strict to 12, and since that is a Sunday, 13 it is. I'm feeling good though. Other than tender breasts and being incredibly tired, which I think has more to do with all the hormones than pregnancy this early in the game, I'm completely symptom free.

I haven't been too crazy testing. I test originally 4dp5dt and then again on 5 days, 7 days, 9 days. My line has always darkened. The last two days weren't crazy different, but significant enough to know it was progressing. I don't completely trust the "ink" on these Wondfos anyway. A lady in my EA forum completely freaked because hers was super light after being dark - sure enough she dipped another and it was dark again.

The top was 4 day and bottom was 9 day. I thought I was out of tests, but I found two mixed in with my old OPKs today. I might just go crazy and test again tomorrow ;) My OPKs I'll ship out to another Mama trying with hopes it'll bring her luck.

I'm down to my last Lovenox tonight. A friend had said she was sending me some, but it never arrived. Apparently her husband forgot to send them. I called around to all the area pharmacies and YOUCH! Some charge as much as $48 per vial (one vial per day.) Costco was the best bargain. I actually had my coordinator send a script for heparin because it was cheaper but figured why not give it a go with my insurance.

Turns out Lovenox IS covered, but ONLY if my Kaiser doctor prescribes it. After a bit of back and forth, she agreed to put in a prescription for two weeks. She doesn't understand my RE's decision to prescribe it to me, but honestly, she isn't a fertility doctor. He's one of the best and I trust him, so I'm going with what he says. I got the impression, I won't need it all through pregnancy, but just up until a point he feels certain my body won't reject the embryo. I'm sure I'll chat more with him in a few weeks at our first ultrasound about when that is.

I realized that I didn't tell you about my "spilling the beans" with my in-laws. Apparently, my husband who was with them for his grandma's funeral was having questions fired at him. They were unaware we'd transferred. I'd told them a month out, but with everything going on, I just think they forgot completely. Anyway, they asked when we were transferring and he said "We already have."

Then the questions started. How is it done? What is the procedure? When would we know? My poor hubby was just sitting there knowing all the while that we'd tested positive the day before. He finally text me "You have to call and tell them. I'll tell my mom you are calling to tell her about the procedure."

So, I called. When I got on the phone with her and she asked about it, I said "Well, Bryce wanted me to explain you'd be a grandma again in November."

Silence.

"Wait. What? Wait. It worked? It took?"

"Yes!"

She was overcome with emotion and having just said goodbye to a loved one, I think it was really an extra special thing for them to know a new baby would be blessing the family. Before she could tell Papa, I told her, let's FaceTime so my son could tell him. And boy did he ever. He just kept screaming "Big Brother" again into the phone.

My son is adamant we are having a girl. He tells me everyday "I want a girl." And, he's always pulling up my shirt and rubbing my belly and kissing it. I hope for his sake it's a girl...and if not, we will have several months trying to convince him how awesome a baby brother would be ;)

Anyway, just wanted to jump on and give you all an update. I'm feeling very peaceful and that God is in control. I've no fear for this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful for a nice strong beta and beautiful doubling. This little snowflake is well loved and cherished and we are so incredibly excited.

God bless!

Spilling the Beans

Feb. 21, 2015

Well, I woke up to a much stronger line. Top was yesterday, bottom was today. It darkened as it dried. I shot off a text to my hubby who is out of town who could notice right away it was darker. If man eyes can see it, everyone can see it :) I joked, do you want me to take the First Response to compare as well? "Sure!"

Instead I dug out a digital I didn't even know we had with an expiration this may and figured why not...

Undeniable.

This morning before church, my son and I called my mom to ask if they could skype however my son started screaming into the phone "Big Brother. I'm going to be a Big Brother." So...as of this moment, my mom knows, but not my step dad or sisters. She was at the bowling alley with them all when it happened. I told her she could tell, but I'd prefer to tell them myself so she swore she'd keep it under wraps until we can skype with my step dad.

Next, we Facetimed my sister and parents (dad and step mom - in case all the parental references are getting confusing) and she ran downstairs so my son could share his message. He screamed "Big Brother at them about a half dozen times." They stared clueless but I could hear my sister, who worked for years at a daycare start laughing and translate for them. Instantly, tears flooded my step mom's eyes and there were a lot of cheers!

My son recorded a special message for all his aunt's and uncles. Sadly, I don't think anyone can understand the little guy screaming Big Brother into the phone, but I did say if you need a translation let me know. We were going to try to skype or Facetime everyone individually, but I know everyone's schedules are hectic and wanted to ensure they all found out today.

I'll totally admit I let my best friend know yesterday as well as my friend who has also done EA. They both were ecstatic and my childhood friend called a flurry of emotion. I could tell she was crying.

It's funny. Last time we planned a wonderful and sentimental announcement near the end of first tri. With this one, we will do something to let people know more widespread, but for our family, we needed them to know right away as they've literally been there, praying every step of the way with us. Strength in numbers. Strength in prayers.

My husband's family doesn't know yet. He did tell me his brother does because he asked how things were going and he let him know we got a positive. As for his parents, they don't know. Today is his grandma's visitation, and the funeral is tomorrow. His parents are very peaceful with her passing. She was a strong woman of faith and her suffering is over. I know this unexpected joy would be received as good and comforting news to them.

I'm just so excited! I pray for this little baby, that he or she continues to grow strong. I pray for a great doubling beta, a strong heartbeat, a happy and healthy nine months, an uncomplicated pregnancy, a fantastic birth and a long, healthy life for this little person. That's not too much to ask for is it?? lol

We've been full of such peace and hope this time around. We've had such support and encouragement. We are blessed.

1dp5dt

Feb. 17, 2016

Well, one day down. Almost. Feeling good. Having really bad cramps. I'm trying to remember last time if they were this bad. Since it was a negative last time, I assume it was either from the procedure or the embryo had implanted and just arrested. I'll never know. I DO know that today, I'm having really bad cramping. It started super low like little bursts and has just morphed into really bad menstrual like cramps all over. Just dull and achy. Whenever I get up, I just feel sore and like there is a lot of pressure.

Other than that, I feel good. I didn't do the whole bedrest thing this time. I took it easy yesterday and was a couch potato watching shows, but I refused to work to limit stress. It was nice! My son came and snuggled with me before bed and I read him stories on the couch. I slept downstairs as well. I did want to avoid the stairs the first day - maybe a silly precaution, but that was one thing my RE was rather adamant about and I didn't want those "what if" feelings. I will admit it was nice to sleep without my son waking me. Fell to dad last night ;) Hm...maybe I need another night without the stairs, eh?

Last night it was very sweet. My husband pulled out the photo of the embryo at dinner and explained to our son that we called it a "snowflake" and it was tiny tiny and hopefully someday would be a baby. We explained it was in mommy's tummy and mommy couldn't pick him up for a little bit. After dinner, when we were on the couch, he lifted up my shirt and laid his head on my tummy. He kissed it. Melts my heart. I hope that little guy / gal in there is snuggling in deep. He / she has an amazing big brother waiting for them.

This morning, my son came down to wake me and we snuggled and watched cartoons and I got him ready. My husband dropped him at school, but I'm picking him up tonight. I've just been working from the couch today making sure to get up every few hours to get the blood pumping.

I started the Lovenox last night. Not too bad. I will say it stings to push that needle in, but it does to the rear as well. The Lovenox goes into your fat in your stomach. You have to basically squish it up and stab it in there. I think it actually stings more because you are watching it go in and have to give it a good shove. It did bruise a tiny bit - it just looks like a blood blister. It bled more than the intramuscular ones in my butt. I'm thinking the nurse was right and I'll have to move to my legs at some point. I'll have to take a photo later into this process. My stomach will be riddled with bruised dots. lol

An amazing thing yesterday. We received an anonymous donation. It came with a beautiful hand written note. Someone's uncle had passed away. They decided to give us a portion of the estate he left as he'd have wanted to gift it to a couple seeking the adoption process. They commented how he may not have understood this method, but getting with the times and all... lol. It was neat to hear about his life and his quirky personality. I've saved it to put in a memory box for our little Snowflake. We've so many things to share with him or her when they are older about how wanted they are, how blessed we are to have them in our family.

It was really neat to get and my husband and myself continuously find ourselves thanking God and amazing at how blessed we've been. A month ago, I remember crying and not knowing how we would do all this. I honestly made a decision one day to lay it at God's feet and found peace. I will never stop being amazed at how God works. There is no problem to big or too small.

Well, gearing up for my next shot and keeping my feet up and warm while I finish out the work day and can go get my son.

God bless!

PUPO

Feb. 16, 2016

Well, we are officially PUPO again! Hopefully with a better outcome this time.

Last night I got my last acupuncture session and we had dinner outside on the patio. It was a wonderful evening with my guys. Last night was a bit restless. My son's sound machine is going downhill and decided to come on full volume at midnight so that was the first wake up. Second was him needing to go potty at 2. Third was when he decided 4:45 was an appropriate wake up time. Fourth was when he decided 5:45 was REALLY the best wake up time. At that point, I sent my hubby with him so I could get an extra 45 minutes of sleep.

I got him off to school and took a nice walk to clear my head. Had a shower, hubby made breakfast and paid a few bills, then off we went. I put on my nice little Snowflake leggings for luck :)

We had no traffic and had left with plenty of time so there was no stress upon arrival. We actually we directed to wait in the "special" waiting room. Apparently there is a side waiting room. It's fancy and secluded. I'm thinking that is where people go before procedures to limit stress.

When they called us in, my bladder was very full. I got undressed, shimmied up on the table and she took a peak "Whoa! Your bladder is VERY full!"

Um, yup. Let's get this pony show on the road. 

After about ten minutes, I told my husband I had to empty at least part of my bladder. The nurse said no doubt and it was full enough I could count between 10-15. Sure enough, still plenty full when I got back to the room.

The doctor walked in and pulled out the photo of our wee one. One beautiful, hatched little embryo that looked perfect. He held up the photo to my and asked my husband "Looks just like her, right?" I really like our doctor. After my firing a few questions at him we found out that it was thawed last night. At that time it was just hatching, and by this morning, it was fully hatched and thriving. Our little guy / gal is ready to snuggle in.

They called back to the lab and had them bring in our babe. He inserted the tube into the catheter and it was the coolest thing. Last time, there was a bit of a glimmer on the screen, but today, there was a big white snowball that shot out of the catheter and snuggled in. I looked at the time on the monitor and it said 11:24:44. Come to find out, the clock on that was all wrong, because when I looked at my phone well after it was done it was 11:09. So...who knows the for sure time. I do know, both my husband and myself thought it was a magical moment.

After the all clear our tube was empty, I was instructed to lay for about ten minutes and then empty my bladder. So, waddle waddle waddle I went and took care of it.

After I got dressed, we had a nurse snap a photo of us before heading out. Here is our baby's first photo :)

We headed from there to acupuncture. It was a new woman there today who was very sweet. She did a few points on my head, ear, arms and legs and put a head lamp over my feet. She asked if I was cold and I said a bit so she pulled out this lovely, warm, snuggly fleece that lo and behold was covered in snowflakes. It made me smile.

After acupuncture, home again home again jiggidy jig. My friend had dropped off soup for us last night, so we warmed that up and watched a few of our favorite comedy shows to just relax and laugh. My hubby was so sweet to hook me up with some warming pads for my feet to keep them toasty warm.

Snuggle in wee one. We love you already.

We are a Go!

Feb. 11, 2016

Well, we are a go. Full steam ahead. My last monitoring visit was today. My lining is 9.7mm. Not as thick as I anticipated it being, but the doctor seemed pleased. He said it was almost ideal and the pattern was beautiful.

Last night, my husband got home from his business trip and we had the one versus two conversation again. He was leaning more towards two now. When he left it was a one. I feel like there's never a perfect answer. We both decided after chatting way too late about it, to pray, sleep on it and make the call this morning.

We decided that if it was a perfect embryo we will do one. If it degrades, we will do two. I wanted to chat with the doctor for his advice about when we should move on to two.

Traffic was a nightmare and I was a few minutes late, but it didn't seem to matter. The place is always packed, no matter what time I go. Thankfully, I did get a parking spot today. Sometimes I have to park down the street and walk in.

The doctor came in and during my exam we had the chat. I told him ideally we want a singleton pregnancy. It's safer, less stress and better financially. However, we want to be smart and of course will be blessed and happy if we have twins. I told him if we had the perfect lining and the perfect embryo again we'd do one, but are open to two if the embryo isn't great. He said ok and I kind of pushed, "what is your definition of not great." He told me the embryologist would grade them after thawing.

He said we could actually make the call the day of if we wanted to if the embryo was on the verge of good/great. I asked him flat out, your recommendation, when do we move to two. He said if it's "good" do two. The difference between excellent and good is immense when it comes to embryos. So...there we have it.

I got dressed, we met up in the office with a coordinator who wasn't typically mine (she was on vacation) and he put in the chart if it's excellent, thaw one. If good to fair, have them check with him to look at it and he'd make the call to do a second. I'd said right to my husband this morning "I just wish someone could tell us what to do." And, he did. So, poof! Thank you, God.

I LOVED this coordinator today. She is actually in charge of all the nurses there and is fabulous. She was soooooo sweet. We went over my meds, she gave me a few hints to make it less painful and avoid knots of oil in my muscle (massage and heat!) She also asked if I was combining my delestrogen and PIO shots so I could take one instead of two. Um, what? This is a possibility?

She went and snagged a few syringes and needles and showed me. You draw the delestrogen and PIO like normal. Draw air into the PIO so there is a large bubble on top and remove the needle. Take the delestrogen, put the end of the needle into the PIO and squirt it in. Put the needle to inject into the PIO and get the air bubbles out like normal. How did I not think to do this? Genius! She said she'd been trying to train her nurses to do this, but they never want to tell patients thinking they'll screw it up. She told me she'd done IVF herself in her 30s and knows how painful it is so if she can eliminate some of the shots and pain, she was all for it.

She also showed me how to inject the Lovenox and Heparin. Because I am slender, she told me it may be better for me to inject on my thigh. I guess they have a real tendency to bruise and get painful and she said I'd run out of stomach. Fortunately, I've got a lotta thigh ;)

Next, I they drew my blood. The woman wasn't my normal lab tech and she went through both sides of my vein. She couldn't figure out why blood wasn't coming out. Um, pull the needle back a smidge. Bingo. Turns out my estradoil is in a much better range than last time. My coordinator emailed it was ideal. Yay!

This evening, I went to acupuncture. I got along much better with the woman who does it. She did my needles and there were a few sensitive areas today. It's funny how she can insert a needle and I get tinges or little pains in other areas. When she put the one in the middle of my rib cage, but further down my stomach it was like electricity shot through in a cross pattern. Very strange. I really relaxed today. I'm going back Monday night at 6 pm then after my transfer Tuesday.

I'm feeling really good about things. I know it's all in God's hands and I just have to trust. I've a lot of wonderful women praying and sending positive thoughts.

God bless!

Blessed

Feb. 10, 2016

Today I am an overemotional, sappy, crying mess. But, today, I can't blame the meds. Well, maybe I'll blame the meds for the extra snot bubbles, gasps of air and overall magnitude of how I reacted.

There is a mom group that I've been blessed to be a part of since I was pregnant with my son. There's been highs and lows, births and deaths, disagreements, excitement, laughter and tears. I've had the good fortune of meeting some of these women outside the group here local to me and on a trip to MI 12 of us strong got together with all our little ones. And everyone, everyone is as amazing as I've thought they would be through knowing them in cyberspace. Many of them, I haven't had the good fortune to meet...yet.

Today, I literally broke down in big heaping sobs. These women got together and raised $850 for me. Somehow, someway, they not only did it from within the group, but from my personal friends and family as well. As I was reading through the list, I saw my sister, best friend and friend from highschool who I know also has had her share of heartbreak with infertility. The money, don't get me wrong is awesome. And, I'm so grateful for it, and it does relieve so much stress, but the sentiment behind it...I cannot even put into words. I'm crying again. Let me get a hold of myself...

The sweet gesture of them to do this and to write such loving, supportive things. I know so many of these ladies have their own trials, tribulations, angst or hardships...for them to come together and support me, I just, I have no words.

From day one when I was diagnosed, it was this group I turned to. Every tear, they comforted me, made me laugh, gave me courage to try the next step. It's amazing to me that a group of women, the majority I've never met have become such a strong part of my life. This was the group of kick ass (pardon my language) women that I turned to. They were there before all the support groups. They were there when my husband just didn't know how to react or comfort me. They were there when my own personal friends and family didn't know about this yet or were at a loss what to say or do. These women. These women are fabulous. If I could go to every single one of them and give them a giant, snotty faced hug, I would.

Tomorrow I head in for my final appointment before transfer. I head in knowing 176 women strong are praying and hoping and wishing me the best. That's powerful. For that, I am grateful. For that, I am blessed.

God bless!

My New TCM

Feb. 5, 2016

My new TCM and I didn't gel very well. She's very competent and friendly, just has some strong opinions about my treatment. I get it. She wanted me here six months ago and she wants me coming every other day. Well, I wasn't there and not gonna happen. When I tried to tell her that she just flat out said "Why?"

"Um, well, I work, and have a child to care for and no insurance coverage."

"Well, you need to."

"Um, again, I work, and have a child so I don't have childcare that often, and once again, no insurance coverage. This is expensive."

"Well, you need to."

You get the idea. We could have gone around in circles all day.

When I walked in, it was a nice clean office and had about six or so acupuncture rooms. Much nicer than my old place. She walked in and was very fluent in English. I can also tell she does indeed specializes in fertility because she read my chart and knew and understood exactly what I was doing as opposed to my other TCM's (who I adore.)

She wanted me coming every other day to stimulate my blood flow and build my uterine lining. I get it. But, I also know these visits are $65 a pop. I tried explaining to her that I'd been going to acupuncture for 2 1/2 yrs so I wasn't starting at ground zero. I made the decision to do what I can and trust it will help. Her response?

"One visit will do nothing for you."

Well, ok then. She pretty much informed me I'd be coming three times next week, the day before transfer (since they aren't open early enough for me to come that day) and then directly after transfer. I'd go home and lay flat for three days without moving and then come back in ten days in a row. Um, not gonna happen.

So, she put the needles in, pretty much all the same main points as my other TCM so it was nice to verify they both knew what they were doing. She didn't do any of the hands or head points though. What really bothered me is she never checked my pulse. Not before or after which seemed bizarre to me. After she put my needles in and put the heat lamp on, she left. No nice music like my other place. I just lay there in the dark trying to relax but becoming increasingly stressed out and upset about all the money these stupid sessions were going to take. By the time she came back in, I was over it.

I went to pay and she pushed for me to come back Saturday, Monday, Thursday, Saturday and then Monday / Tuesday. I flat out told her I can't and again she pushed me. BECAUSE! I HAVE A CHILD AND NO CHILDCARE. I WORK. AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO COME THAT MUCH! Seriously lady! I agreed to TWO visits next week and the day before and day of. All the studies I read stress the before and after transfer so I'm focusing on that.

I also told her I would not be lying flat for three days and that I'd discussed it with my doctor. She told me "That's opposite of what other doctors say." "Well, studies show lying completely still restricts blood flow and lessons implantation" To which she responded "That makes sense I agree with your doctor." I figure I'll fight the ten visits in a row battle with her later. I didn't have the energy.

I really just wanted to go back to my old TCM and have her do the after transfer visit. I'm tempted. The problem is it's an hour drive both ways there (more with traffic) and an hour visit. It's so much quicker here since she's right in town. If my husband is in town next week maybe I'll have them do my acupuncture for my Thursday visit when I have my last ultrasound.

I also had to drive back to the clinic today. The coordinator called and someone had brought in 11 Lovenox. so yay! 11 less to buy. Interesting fact, you actually insert a giant air bubble into yourself with this shot. I'm so use to making sure all the air gets out that it surprised me. I'm glad she explained it because I would have instinctually removed it. She also stocked me on syringes and needles since I was about out. I chatted with the financial folks there because I'd remembered seeing a sign that prices increase March 1. Given my beta is Feb 29...that'd suck if this was an unsuccessful transfer. Here's to hoping this little babe or babes snuggle in.

I just have to share...my shot last night, it was like a geyser. I was so relieved my son wasn't there when I did it. I must have hit a vein because when I removed the needle, the blood absolutely shot across the room. After I grabbed my alcohol swab to stop the bleeding and mop up the floor I started laughing. It was like a cheesy horror film.

I did my castor oil pack while I sat here and worked today. My abdomen feels heavy. I think it's the meds and how the lining is building so quickly, but I don't remember that feeling last time so early in the cycle.

Anyway, I'm using a gift certificate to a massage tomorrow. Now that I fought off the aggressive TCM I'm going to relax and de-stress. When I meet her head on next week I'll flat out say, this is what I can do. I think some is better than none, so let's work with it.

God bless!

Monitoring Visit 2

Feb. 4, 2016

Back to the clinic this morning. I was feeling good going in. I've been making sure to walk everyday to get the blood flowing and my son is big into the Pow Wows in the evening so lots of dancing there. I've also been drinking my POM juice, doing my femoral massage and abdomen massage and even threw in a castor oil pack and steam for good measure.

The good news is...my lining is at a 9! It was at a 9 for my last visit before transfer last time, so to be a week ahead is great news. It also had a beautiful triple stripe pattern. Yahoo! I'm to up my meds per protocol to get it nice and fluffy.

I talked to my doctor a bit about a new study that is out and how women shouldn't lay there after the procedure but get right up. Although the studies show that as best, he said he'd still like me to lay for about 10 minutes. The increase in pregnancy wasn't huge (although when you are dealing with infertility, a 5% risk looks astronomical) because he said sometimes the uterus is contracting from the catheter. My thought is, I can't control everything about this, so I'm just going to trust him. I have so far.

We did chat a bit more about bedrest though and he thinks strict bedrest is counter productive. He just told me to kind of be a couch potato and treat myself right the day of transfer and that I could get back to normal the next day if I wanted or just continue to take it easy. Getting up and walking around a bit was just fine. He said the female body isn't meant to be sedentary and that adequate blood flow is good to ensure proper implantation. I'm glad we were on the same page. Sounds good to me. My issue this go round is the NO STRESS! I had a work implosion last time and really let that stress me out to tears the day of transfer. This time. Nope.

Today I go into my new acupuncturist. We shall see how it goes.

We're still having the one versus two debate. Neither of us know at all. When I spoke to the doctor he told me frankly that he doubts there'd be any issue with my uterus that would prevent the implantation so it'd be issue with the embryo most likely to prevent a success. We're basically betting on the embryos. Do we risk just one again and have a no go and repeat this whole thing? If we transfer both and neither take, his thought is they were both duds and we saved ourselves another unsuccessful transfer? If they are both perfect...we may get twins. We put two in we've 21% chance of twins, but 70% chance of pregnancy. We put one in, we've 50%.  Decisions decisions.

We've just decided to pray about it and how we felt led jump in with two feet. As difficult as times have gotten in the past, I know there's always been a reason and I've never been dealt an issue we haven't faced head on, lived and learned from. If it's twins. It's twins and we'll count ourselves blessed.

A mommy friend who's experienced her own trials with infertility told me go for it. She said I put three in, three implanted, two had a heart beat and at the third appointment only one remained. You never know, so go for it and trust.

I had another woman in a mommy group reach out and offer me some of her unused meds as well. I am constantly surprised and humbled by people's generosity.

We haven't really told many people this time about our transfer. After the last, I just needed to experience this one privately. Well, except for all of you...and my mommy group...and my infertility groups...and... LOL You get the picture. My husband's parents at one time knew we were looking at Feb, but have never asked questions and neither of us have expounded. I just told my step mom and dad a few days ago. Other than that, a few close, close friends.

I'll keep you posted...

God Bless.

Back in the Saddle Again - Day 1

January 29, 2016

Back in the saddle, er, stirrups again. We are a go for transfer numero dos!

Sorry I've been MIA. I honestly needed a break from the whole fertility thing. The holidays were absolutely amazing and I had a really nice time kicking back with family. We hit the ground running when we got back to town and I did some travel for work. I got to go to Sundance for the first time and I loved it! My goal - make it a yearly tradition.

I'd started my birth control early Jan and my last day was the 24th. Which brings me to my baseline ultrasound this morning. I'll be completely 100% honest with you. I've been very lax, almost indifferent heading into this transfer. I know it was from not letting myself get too excited like I did the last time, but today, being there, I started to get optimistic and excited again. It really stemmed from my doctor.

He is just so wonderful. I was sitting in the stirrups for almost an hour. He sent his apologies but he was in a procedure - no biggie. I wouldn't want him rushing mine either. Caught up on Facebook. Because, what else do you do nowadays when you're killing time, right?

When he came in, even though he was running late, he was very patient with me and I never felt rushed. My lining was super thin, like he wanted it to be starting out and I had not a single follicle to be seen, which kind of reassured me this was the right thing to do. After he finished, he told me to get dressed and meet up in the other room.

I had my whole list of questions to go through with him.

#1. After reviewing my chart do you want to revise treatment at all?

No. He was happy with my lining and felt good about the protocol. I did ask if it was possible to do extra PIO everyday instead of endometrin (because it is SOOOO expensive. Think $6-$8 per pill three times a day for your whole first trimester. Ouch.) He said that he felt it absorbed better in the uterus than PIO, but once I was pregnant, he'd consider switching me to just PIO.

He did however suggest I consider Heparin or Lovenox. He said he didn't know if it'd help, but it certainly wouldn't hurt. He thought if there were any issues with implantation or my body rejecting the embryo this may take care of it. Since our embryo last time was such good quality, something to consider. Heparin is cheaper, but you take two shots. The nurse said it also burned more and caused more bruising. Lovenox is quadruple the price but in single vials. (Side note, I posted about the difference in a mom group I am in and someone was kind enough to offer to donate their meds. People truly are AMAZING and generous, especially in the infertility community.)

#2. Are we still looking at the same probabilities for success?

He said 50-60% for one embryo, 70%- a little higher for two embryos and of those about 30% chance of twins. So...doing the math - about a 21% chance of twins if we do two embryos. When I rationalize it this way - we had a 60% chance and were unsuccessful last time - 21% really shouldn't scare me.

#3. Should we monitor progesterone throughout the cycle?

Nope. He said he doubles up on progesterone with PIO and endometrin and there should be adequate amounts. Testing for progesterone is not accurate because of the way it is absorbed.

#4. What were his thoughts on embryo glue.

He basically told me he thought it was a lot of hype. It's essentially a protein mixture that the embryo is put in. He said it was a $500 additional charge and if he thought it would help he'd suggest it, but he didn't think it was worth it or would offer any advantages. I really appreciated his not trying to upsell me and being honest.

#5. His thoughts on endometrial scratching.

He said it was something he typically did after a woman had recurrent unsuccessful IVFs or miscarriages. He said he essentially roughed up the cervix and the theory was my body would go into overdrive repairing itself and building a thicker lining and be more receptive to implantation. He said he felt like it might help and certainly wouldn't hurt. He QUICKLY said, well "It WILL hurt. Very much, but it won't hurt your chances." He said if we were going to do it though, it had to be today. Gulp. How much is it? "Oh, no! I wouldn't charge you. If you want to do it, I can do it right now." Seriously? Not charge me? Sign me up.

So, off I went to undress from the waist down. Again. He said he'd insert the speculum like when you get a pap and insert a little tube so he could get in to where my uterus is. He used this little object, which felt like a daggar to scrape around the lining. And. It. Hurt. BAD. It was a minute of my gripping the table. He felt awful. He did his countdown. Thirty more seconds. Holy hell. I kept trying to consciously tell myself to relax relax relax.

When he was done, he was very apologetic and told me to lay there 5-10 minutes to gather myself and when I was ready come back into the office. After a few minutes I stood up and my legs were shaky as I readied myself.

After that, it was back to the office where I filled out some paperwork, collected my prescription, made my appointment for next week and was told what to price in case I decided to do the Lovenox or Heparin. And, I was on my merry way.

I swung into Walmart with my trusty GoodRX app, which if you don't have, you SHOULD! Way cheaper than some of the fertility pharmacies and picked up my Estrace and Medrol. My wonderful, wonderful friend was so kind to donate her unused meds from her last cycle to me so I have delestrogen, some endometrin and PIO here waiting.

This evening my coordinator called and told me my estrogen was perfect. PERFECT! It was 100 last time, so high, but they attributed it to my being on birth control. This time, coming off birth control it was 5. Just where they want it. Now to build up a nice thick lining. I'm drinking my POM juice and my son and I had a dance party to get my blood moving.

I'm just gearing up for my first shot to the tush of this cycle. All in all, feeling good. Pretty optimistic. Once my period is done, I'll do a few castor oil packs and V-steams. I'm trying out a new acupuncturist next Thursday just down the street from me. My hope is she can do two before transfer and one the day of.

We've been incredibly blessed. Every time I start to panic, I find a blessing. My friend who gave me her meds. The mom in my lovely mom group who donated her meds to me as well. A reader here (you know who you are) who found my fundraiser and donated anonymously to me. A cousin of mine donated money to us, completely shocking me. Ever since he heard what we were doing he'd been putting aside money from every paycheck. It literally brought me to tears.

It's so easy to get overwhelmed, but my life is good. I love my son. I love my husband. I laugh daily. I know, trust and believe that every need we have along the way is provided for. God is in control and he will be in control this cycle as well. The woman taking my blood today told me to relax. When I stress, my liver functions poorly and the cycles aren't as successful. I know that with my head. I will keep reminding my heart.

God Bless!

Update

Dec. 9, 2015

Not a whole lot to report on the fertility front. My period was super SUPER light, like wear a liner light. It's amazing to me that when I went to my baseline my lining was 2.4mm and I blend heavier than I am now with I had a 10mm lining. I'm trying to wrap my head around that. I was seriously prepared for the heaviest period I've ever experienced. Hm...

We were thinking of a January transfer, but I think we may actually postpone until February Timing wise, I was going to be out of town until Jan. 3, and my coordinator is out of the office on medical leave and rather unresponsive. I think I'd have had to have started my birth control pills by now to work with the time line she anticipated.

But, even more exciting, I was contacted by a producer who'd interviewed me when I was doing publicity eons ago for some films I was in and he asked me to come down to Sundance to talk on a panel. He also said he'd give me a space for free in one of the celebrity suites to chat about oils. I've always wanted to go to Sundance and my hubby and I think it's a great opportunity on all fronts for me. So...that'd put me out of town Jan 21-24 anyway so basically unavailable for a later in January transfer.

With everything going on, we chatted about it and requested that I get my baseline right after that trip putting us in an early February. transfer. I'm waiting for my coordinator to get back to us, but that makes the most sense. I figure a few more weeks is just a few more weeks. I did also ask to chat with the doctor to review if we should change up the protocol and the scratching and embryo glue. I want to get his take on all of it.

Still wrestling with the one versus two scenario. I'm thinking we should just do one again, but then I get that nagging voice telling me to go with two. I'm sure it'll be clear when we need to pull the trigger. It was last time.

I still haven't called my TCM back. I'm wrestling with trying one more local out here versus the hour drive each way to where I was going. Part of me is also just enjoying not dealing with any fertility crap right now. No herbs. No acupuncture. No special diets or supplements. I'm just really kind of relaxing and letting the chips fall where they may. I'm sure I'll feel differently the closer we get, but for now, with everything going on...I just don't have the time. Our house is chaos with workers and adjusters in and out. I think the New Year will just feel sooooo much more settled.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays!

God Bless!

CD1

Dec. 3, 2015

Well, when it rains, it pours. Literally.

The day after the official "no go" our pipe burst. Flooded our upstairs' bathroom, came through the ceiling and did some pretty bad damage to the living room, dining room and kitchen. I've gotta say, we keep it exciting! We've had workers in and out. We still don't have a sink - apparently they'll have to cut out part of the wall for that (can we say "Thank God we are renters right now???) Once we get the word on if there is asbestos, they'll be cutting out part of the ceiling to assess the damage.

We have six blowers going in here and it sounds like we are on an airplane. We can't hear a darn thing. My landlord text me asking if I was home because ServePro had been knocking at my door for five minutes. Why, yes I was. In fact, I was sitting RIGHT NEAR THE DOOR. Couldn't hear him. My poor hubby, I called on the phone to ask him a question and he said "You do know I'm downstairs in the kitchen, right?" Um, nope.

I'll really be glad when they leave. I didn't mind them so much at first, but we're screaming all day long. AND, it's super hot in here. Bright side, they're very soothing at night. It's kind of like a super loud white noise machine. My son slept until 7:15. Not saying that IS the reason, but if it is...totally want to install that bad boy as a permanent fixture by his bedroom door.

On the baby front, we're gearing up for try 2. I was so so so good about diet and all that for the last few years, but I will totally admit, I've kind of said screw it the past few days. Chocolate? Yes, please. Coffee? Yes, please. A drink? Yes, now. I'll shape back up, but I figured why not.

I was starting to wonder how long this waits for my period takes and right when I voiced it today, I got crampy and bingo. Ask and ye shall receive, eh? I've got some things I'd REALLY like to ask for. Wink wink.

Acting has been kind of slowing down a bit with the holidays coming. A few shows are wrapping up their last episode or two, but not much action right now. My day job has been just draining. I'm really starting to focus more on selling essential oils and am making some headway. I'd really like to JUST act, be a mom and sell oils on the side. I like doing it and I like helping people. We'll get there. As with everything, I'm learning...a process.

I was thinking one good thing about all this, my Nov. transfer would've put me in second tri and into the very beginning of third tri during pilot season. Not really ideal. My last go round with pregnancy, I think once I showed I had literally two auditions. Even after my son was born there were crickets for a few months while I had to remind everyone I wasn't pregnant anymore. To be honest, things have never rebounded like they were. That's ok though. I wouldn't trade a thing. My son will only be a child once and there is nothing more important to me.

Now that my period has arrived, I'll email my coordinator and see how we proceed with the Jan calendar and figure out when to start this birth control. I've no idea where I placed the remaining two packs.

It is 9:37 and I'm signing off to go to bed!

God Bless.

NEGATIVE

Nov. 30, 2015

NEGATIVE.

I'd prepared myself, but what a blow. I honestly felt at peace yesterday, but I just feel raw all over again. I know there is no rational reason why this didn't work. Ya think I could quit going over it all in my head? Yeah, you'd think...

This morning I woke up early and drove all the way to Pasadena trying to dodge morning traffic and trudged up to the third floor. Sitting in the waiting room I really took a look around. All those people. All those desperate people. All they want is babies. I felt a kinship with them. It sucks.

I was called back and went to the lab and pulled my Sharps container that was filled to the brim out of my purse.

Exhibit A:

The nurse laughed with me saying how tough us women were. She was telling me about how her husband was whining he had a headache yesterday and all I she could think was "Yeah, I do to, and a back ache, and a pulled shoulder, and and and, but I still cleaned 30 windows and cooked dinner." We laughed. She said "Good luck" and I gave a half-hearted smile.

As I went to financial to check out, the receptionist gave me a HUGE smile and asked if I'd "cheated." I said "Yes, not good news, but still keeping hope alive." She said "You must." I asked her to give my coordinator a call and see if I could get a new Sharps container from her. You know...in case. If not, I'd need it next time anyways.

I asked her if negative the plan of attack and she said a January transfer, that he won't cycle me during the holidays in December. Fair enough. She said when she called after they reviewed my labs they'd have more concrete answers.

So, I sat. And sat. And sad. She finally called just after 3:30 and confirmed it was negative. She said I would get a period and to email her my first day and they'd tell me when to start birth control. I'm so irritated I have to go back on that, but they want a bleed before my January cycle.

So. Square one.

I told my husband last night I might interview a few TCM out my way. The one I go to is an hour each way and it just eats into my weekends. And, I'm not thrilled that they kept doing "bring back menstruation" acupuncture right up until the end instead of the last day when they changed it to "hold pregnancy." They'd been giving me the incorrect herbs until that point as well. I really want to see if someone out here fits and works out financially who will also do acupuncture right after transfer.

I did ask my coordinator on the phone if they can check my progesterone midcycle next time to ensure I was getting enough to hold a pregnancy. She said they typically don't, but they'd be happy to put the order in for me.

I was also reading about endometrial scratching and embryo glue. I figure, why not discuss all options with the doctor. I'll cover those more in another blog.

For now, I told my hubby to pick up champagne on this way home from the gym. Nothing to celebrate, but I didn't drink it in a mimosa on Thanksgiving Day just in case, and I've wanted it sense. Why the hell not, right?

My mom was suggesting I drink some high caloric drinks to gain weight before the next round. I told her nonsense. How ideal it's right after Christmas. I'll put my 5-7 lbs of holiday weight to good use.

So, huge bummer, but I'll just put on my big girl panties, dust myself off and we'll start this all over again in a month. Silver lining - no hideous shots tonight. I can barely walk today, so my ass will have time to recoup in the interim. Right?

God bless.

12dp5dt

Nov. 28, 2015

Thank you for all the kind words and inspirational stories. So many people messaged me to keep hope alive of stories of negative HPTs and positive betas. Thank you. I DO know it is possible and there will always be a shred of hope I carry with me. I'm just trying to prepare myself in case there is a negative outcome. And, if there is, we'll just dust ourselves off and move forward and try again.

I will admit taking those shots last night plain sucked. I'd lie to say I wasn't bitter doing it last night. I just kept telling myself if it IS negative I only have tonight and tomorrow night left...if it does turn out to be positive, I'll happily continue for as long as necessary.

My one friend who had offered to sell me the rest of her leftover meds which I was going to buy when I got my positive texted me last night they are mine for my next cycle. I was really touched she offered to give them to me. That'll take some burden off when we begin our next round.

We also took the plunge and have our fundraisers. I'm still not ok asking people for money publicly. I just have a very difficult time asking people in that capacity. Our Bravelets fundraiser is doing double donations this Tuesday Dec. 1. Instead of a $10 donation per item, it will be $20. Considering the bracelets start at $25 not a bad deal.

And we have our Equal Exchange fundraiser as well if people are buying Christmas gifts for others.

I believe everything will work out.

I spent the greater part of last night lying awake thinking of everything I possibly did wrong. My husband and myself had a lot of tense moments the day of the transfer and an argument before. My boss, who I told I would not be working for two days sent me a rather rude email criticizing my work and I did five hours of free work for her reviewing a claim I'd submitted. Was all that anger and negativity bad for the baby? Should I not have gone to that audition? Was it not eating the stupid pineapple right away? Not listening to my TCM who told me to wait until I was stronger (bear in mind they've been saying this for two years - when, seriously will I ever be...) Was it my being too light? I've gotten back down to under 100. Day of transfer I weight myself at my friends and I was 100 lbs 8 oz with jeans and a sweatshirt on.

Probably none of the above. I know this mentally. I did use my oils liberally last night for sleep and even resorted to melatonin. Thankfully my husband let me take a nap this morning and I crashed for an hour and a half.

I'm feeling better today and more optimistic. If my beta isn't positive (like I said, shred of hope) I'm interested to hear if I can do a cycle back to back. I posted the question in my EA support forum and most people were able to do so. With the Christmas holiday, I'm not sure if it will be feasible. I just really wanted to avoid having to do another round of birth control in between. Knowing I'd have a solid bleed and start from scratch sounded promising.

On the flip side, like my husband said, if I can't do a back to back cycle, I will live it up this holiday and enjoy some spirits. Probably not the best way to physically prepare my body, lol. But, I admire his attitude.

I also have it all playing in my head what in the world should I do with our healthcare. I have to pick a plan and I was hoping to pick a low deductible plan for pregnancy. However, if I'm not pregnant, continue on the cheaper plan with the high deductible. The options for Covered CA are pretty miserable. None are good. I'm sickened how much out of pocket costs there are. I know the whole Obamacare helped a lot of people - it just really hit us hard. It raised our co-pays, deductibles and out of pockets and our premiums went up considerably in the process. So many things to think about. I still don't know what we will do for healthcare next year. I have to decide if we'll pay the big bucks for a plan that will cover pregnancy not leaving us $10,000 in out of pocket. Or pay $1000 a month for a plan that will only leave us with co-pays and no deductible. The options for self employed are grim.

Anyway, thank you again for your sweet stories. I was amazed how many of you have little miracles running around from late low betas, or slow doublers that your clinics cautioned you with not being optimistic. Amazing how life finds a way.

Monday will tell us how we'll more forward, and regardless what that news is...move forward we will. Thanks for the love.

God bless!

11dp5dt - Looking like bad news

Nov. 27, 2015

Well, it's 11dp5dt. I broke down and tested. BFN

I actually peed in a cup yesterday but couldn't get the nerve. My intention was to test when I got home from our gatherings. I knew testing before was bad. I stared at that cup on my counter forever and dumped it right down the toilet. I told my husband if it was negative I wouldn't be able to give myself my shot last night. He told me to test whenever I was ready although I knew he was chomping at the bit.

I read a bit of Nerida's book last night "God's Plan for Pregnancy" and I happened to flip to a chapter and read a paragraph saying if you were fearful of testing, that didn't lie in faith. It felt like the answer I needed. The past several days I kept chanting to myself "My Faith is Stronger Than My Fear."

Right now, I feel a little lost. Not in my faith necessarily. I prayed before testing and told God that no matter what, I loved him, I'd never forsake him and stand by him, but please please please please please...

I won't say there is a reason for this. Honestly, that's crap. There isn't one. I'm upset and sad. Really upset. Really sad. My silver lining is my husband was incredibly supportive, even more than I thought he'd be. We both were hit hard by this. I honestly didn't know how he'd feel about doing another round and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "We're doing another round. We're transferring two and if God's wants us to have twins, we're having twins."

What really sucks about all this is, it's hard enough seeing that negative after everything we've been through. It's an absolute punch in the gut because so much of my anger, tears and panic lie in the fact, I've no idea how in the hell we're going to pay for this. We scrimped and saved to put something together for the first and are still paying it off. I've honestly no clue.

I made us cinnamon rolls for breakfast with my little helper. I'm pretty certain more cinnamon, sugar and butter found it's way into his mouth than the roll. Not nutritious in the least, but it's OUR Thanksgiving and it seemed like a delicious breakfast, so we ate our sorrows away.

Afterwards my husband suggested I go for a walk. He'd stay here with Reed. Before I left, he stopped me and said WE are a family. We're not going to let this rip us apart. We're going to chose to be grateful for what we have and have FAITH that we WILL get pregnant and have another child. We both vocalized part of the grief we feel is that financial strain. It just plain sucks. To lose that baby, or embryo, or whatever anyone wants to call it is just painful enough, but knowing if we had the money we could just dust off and try this again...but we can't. It ANGERS me!

I went for a long walk and cried like a freak. My neighbors probably thing I'm a nut job. I'd regain my composure and start all over again.

I know it's ridiculous and my head tells me better, but I feel like it's my fault. My body. Of my not doing enough bedrest. Or doing TOO much. Or not insisting my TCM do acupuncture or after. Or, my stupid body that doesn't cooperate or isn't fertile. Or or or. I know in reality it probably has nothing to do with me and was probably an embryo with chromosome issues, but I'll always have that playing in the back of my mind.

My heart hurts if that embryo WAS good and my stupid body wouldn't allow it to have the life it deserved.I just honestly feel broken all over again like when I was diagnosed. It's silly and I'm ashamed but I do feel like I've let my husband down and let my kid down. My son still walks around telling me there is a baby in his belly. In fact he woke up from a nap two days ago and when I asked how his nape was he told me "My baby woke me up. She kicked me in my belly." Our friends had a baby two days ago and I was explaining his friend is now a big brother and he told me he wants to be one. ugh.

Not my most upbeat post. I'm sorry. I'm just filled with anger and sadness and confusion right now. I'm just really struggling with how we can do this again financially. How I can do it emotionally. We kind of feel like we just want to do it right away. I don't know if I want to wait, do the whole birth control again. My body never really had a full of period after it. Maybe this time I can shed my whole lining and start fresh.

I text our family the news. I just really couldn't stomach having to call everyone. Everyone just said maybe it's too early. It's 11 days past transfer or the equivalent of 16 DPO, 17 really if it was indeed a 6 day embryo. I suppose there is always a chance there will be a beta on Monday, but I know the chance is minute. A few friends called and my mom did straight away. I could tell she was crying on the other end too.

I called the clinic to come in today and get it over with, but they are closed. The thought of taking these meds and the shots especially for three more days just makes me want to vomit. My butt is sore beyond belief and I can't find a position to sleep at night. Doing it knowing there could be a baby made it bearable. Now, it just seems stupid. I'll continue on the chance there is a late implanter, but...

And, damnit, I'm having a small glass of wine with dinner. If I'm making this whole Thanksgiving dinner and there was a negative test, I'm having a drink.

Well, I typically try and keep my posts upbeat, but there ya have it. I'm a bitter, depressed mess right now. I haven't answered anyone's texts and I don't know when I intend to.

I'm so grateful and thankful for my husband and son. I swooped my little guy up for a proper snuggle straight away. I haven't been able to pick up my little guy and it felt good to carry my little koala around for a bit.

I can't stomach this is a reason for this, but the only silver lining I see was this last transfer was filled with so much tension between my husband and I. If it took this stupid experience for us to have more patience with each other and support, than I suppose that is best for our family and each other long term. That's all I got right now...

God bless!