Goodbye 2022

 Dec 31, 2022

Last day of the year. I'm feeling really sad and sentimental tonight. It was nine years ago tonight that my premature ovarian failure journey began. I remember I took a pregnancy test before taking a sip of champagne and it was positive. From there, it all unraveled. Who knew positives tests don't always mean positive. 

I wouldn't trade my journey for anything. I got my son from it, but tonight it just reminds me after our most recent loss, or miss, or whatever you want to call it, how much it sucks to not be in control. A month ago, I was going to bed hopeful and optimistic for our transfer the next day. 

Tonight, we were suppose to be in AZ visiting my in-laws, but the night before we left, my mother in law came tested positive for COVID. She's doing ok, just run down. I think us not getting out of town as we planned and not being near family compounds all the big feelings I'm having right now.

We are gearing up to move again in two months, so I stare at all the bins of baby clothes and cloth diapers and baby things I'd saved and it just sickens me to give them all away. But it's silly for me to lug them to yet another house. When I did my purge last time we moved six months ago, we got rid of a lot. I pared it all down to clothes we'd reuse and gave all the rest away. I gave away all the baby toys and gear except two bins of my favorites. We donated the crib and highchair to the church knowing we could borrow them as needed if our transfer worked. Now...now...it just seems ridiculous to hold on to it all.

I keep telling myself even if I clear it all out, if we do get blessed in some way, I can get our needs from the local buy nothing group. Lord knows I've given away hundreds of items through there amidst our move and purge...but it just seems final. It feels like I'm giving up or moving on. But my heart isn't there. I'm not ready to move on.

I thought I would be. We thought we would be. We decided to transfer saying if it doesn't work, we'd have closure. Neither of us feel it. At all. 

After the failed transfer the doctor called me. My hormone levels were perfect. My lining was perfect. The transfer was perfect. He said it just must've been the embryo. That I could obviously get pregnant and carry a pregnancy and everything else looked good. But it was our last. He said we could use an egg donor, but I said no. That's not something we can afford. I did ask if all the embryos were used that were donated in our batch. He said it would take some digging, but he'd look into it. With the holidays if we didn't hear back by mid-January to call. I don't know if that is realistic, but certainly can't hurt to follow through.

If there are none, I'm not quite sure where that leaves us. The thought of trying to match and going through it all emotionally and financially seems daunting and irresponsible...but my heart sure says otherwise. 

I don't know. I'm just feeling lonely and sad. No one knows. I can't talk about it. I just want to be angry or sad sometimes and there is no one to talk through it with. My husband and I still talk but it's more of a we just don't know how to process it talk. 

It's the holidays and we are without family. Friends all had their own plans. I guess I just feel lonely and sad. Having my own little pity party tonight.