17 weeks 1 day

May 27, 2016

Our little bambino is doing well. I was back to my OB today for a checkup. Heart rate was good at 154. We went over my weight gain, which she was happy to see went up a bit, but she wants me to focus on getting more calories. She actually said high carbs, which I wasn't expecting...I was thinking more proteins. My heart did a happy dance to hear "don't be afraid to indulge." What my mind heard? "Ice cream."

Honestly though, I remember last time I didn't start gaining weight until further into my second trimester as well and there was one week in particular it was like I packed on 6 lbs or something. The following week 1/2 lb. I know it's all so variable with water weight, time of day, yada yada yada. I've no worries. I gained enough last time and my son was a healthy weight.

The irony is, I feel like I've gained quite a bit this time. But it's just my belly is much larger than last time. I was looking at photos, and I think I'm about two weeks ahead. I know that's common with second pregnancies, but I didn't expect to pop so soon. Sometimes I get to wondering how large this baby will be. My husband and myself are rather petite, so no one was too surprised our last baby wasn't huge. BUT, these aren't my genetics. This baby could really be any size. It's so funny, but I forget.

Before transfer I always had that lingering fear that this pregnancy would feel "different" or I'd feel differently toward this baby and that isn't the case at all. Instant connection. I know this baby is ours. And, he'll always know who his mommy and daddy and brother are.

My friend who also did EA gave birth two weeks ago. It was such a joy to go see them in the hospital and spend time with them when they got home. Any baby snuggles - nothing better! I get such a chuckle because people commenting on his photo on Facebook say "Oh, he looks just like his mommy." The nurses in the hospital thought he looked just like his daddy. It's so funny people perceive what they want to see, and also I'm a big believe in epigenetics. I'm actually taking a workshop in it next month at a conference. I'm pretty excited!

I had to get my second trimester blood test for the genetic screening and thankfully I read through their paperwork because the nurse forgot to mark the "donor ovum" box. I'm not sure how much that would have screwed up the interpretation, but they were grateful I caught it. I head to the geneticist in two weeks for the anatomy scan and all my fingers and toes are crossed the SCH has resolved and the partial previa has moved up. I've been slowly doing more physically, but still trying not to push it. I'd like more liberties to do some light workouts or longer, more brisk walks. I've always been a very physical and active person and it's therapeutic for me. If not, totally fine, no need to push it, but it'll be reassuring to know it's all better.

My doctor also chatted with me about starting aspirin, but we're holding off until the SCH is cleared. Apparently since I'm an "elderly pregnant" woman and all it should help reduce the risk of preeclamsia. considering my blood pressure has been in the 84/51 to 91/54 range (you'd think I was comatose) I'm fairly certain that won't be an issue, but I'm no doctor. Another of her concerns why she'd like the baby aspirin is in my last pregnancy I was induced for low amniotic fluid. Actually, they wanted to induce me several times, but with persistent daily, then every other day NST and AFI testing, we avoided it for over four weeks. She thinks with an aspirin regimen, it may increase blood flow to the placenta and reduce the risk of low amniotic fluid. If that is the case, then bring it on. I'd rather not have that stress, concern and risk to the baby for the last month.

All in all, our wee one is doing great. I feel him squirming around in there. Sometimes more than others, nothing too consistent. I'm waiting for the punches, kicks and movement on the outside. I know how exciting that will be for my son.

Until next time...God bless!

9 weeks 1 day

April 1, 2016

Happy April Fools' Day! One year ago today (not funny) I had my meeting with my current RE for a consult and was told in no uncertain terms it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to get pregnant on my own. I left discouraged, but having left my name on their embryo donor list.

At the time we were still uncertain if that was the answer for us, and my husband was really struggling with the decision, but we knew it was something we were seriously considering and it couldn't hurt to put our names down. Fast forward one month when we made the final decision to actively pursue it and I let our coordinator know and she said she tentatively had embryos for us.

It's been a year of a lot of ups and downs, a lot of tears and laughter, but here we are. Pregnant! A few years ago I didn't even know embryo donation or adoption was a possibility. Thank God for miracles!

I'm getting excited. Next week we take our blood test to find out if we are having another boy or a little girl. Our son is still 100% wanting a girl, nothing to do with a boy. We shall see if he will be thrilled or we'll have several months of convincing him how cool a brother will be.

I'm exhausted. There's really no way around it. I feel sick most the day and am just dragging. I know that's common with first tri. I sometimes wonder if it's amplified from all the meds since I'm getting meds and I know the placenta is starting to produce on it's own as well. Is the doubling up making me feel more sick?

I'm still taking my estrogen three times a day and am taking 2 ml of progesterone in my shot every night, estrogen third nights. I know the doctor said he'd most likely start to wean me off after 8 weeks and we're here at 9. I was reading morning sickness is strongest weeks 8-10 and that certainly seems to be the case. We'll see if they start to lesson my drugs after my 10 week appointment. Until then, I'm kind of staggering through this. I know it gets better. I keep reminding myself with my son the first tri was brutal, but I loved the rest of pregnancy. I keep getting upset with myself and saying "You should be happy! You should be thrilled!" And I am!! But, oh man, I do have my moments of thinking, "I forgot how awful first tri was..."

I've an appointment next Weds with my OB, Friday with genetics to do my blood test and I've my NT scan scheduled for the 20th I believe. Crazy it's all coming up so quickly.

I haven't had any more issues with bleeding. I'm hoping my ultrasound next week reveals the SCH was reabsorbed. :)

God Bless!

7 weeks 6 days

March 23, 2016

Off to the doctor today and all looks good. Our little bean is measuring on target and has a good heart beat of 157.

I headed in for the nurse visit a bit early and had to do an automated informational gathering on a computer. It all got interesting when it started asking my history and my husbands. I was trying to explain to the nurse it really had no bearing on the baby. When we got to ethnicity it really got interesting. "Should I put African American?" Blank stare.

"You're white."

 "I understand, but the genetic mother was African American and Caucasion, so if you are trying to figure out if you need to run certain genetic markers that are prevalent in the African American community, you do."

The nurse was clueless. "Um, You're white, so put white."

Sure. I put father as African American so it's noted in the file ;)

Next, we took my blood pressure, 103/55. My blood pressure is always a bit low. No surprise there. Weight, 103 lbs...so I lost weight. Honestly, not hugely surprised. I force myself to eat throughout the day, but certainly not feeling it.

My hubby and I strolled into the examination room and they had me undress completely and put the all so glamorous tie in the back robe on. After listening to an obscenely long video on the risks of birth defects and the genetic screenings, the doctor came in.

She asked about setting up my genetic screening, but I told her I didn't think it'd work because of the donor embryo so she set up a genetic counseling. I told her from my research the only test on the market suitable for donor eggs or embryos was Maternit21. Apparently this is covered by my insurance, but I have to call and get the 411 on the price. I called the company myself and they said I could have it done third party and pay them directly, so if that is the cheaper option, I'll go that route. My OB said she couldn't order it outside of Kaiser, but fortunately my RE already agreed to.

Next, she ordered a LOT of blood tests. She also threw in my estradoil and progesterone so I didn't have to drive an hour tomorrow morning and PAY to have those hormones checked. I love my OB. Same one that I had for prenatal care with my son. She also looked over my record and said my thyroid was a bit high last time - very much in normal ranges, but too high for pregnancy, so we are having that checked to head off any issues.

Because of my "advanced maternal age" ahem, 37 at deliver, I am considered high risk. Pair that with a history of infertility and the SCH, I'm firmly in that category.  I'm not phased by that though. In my eyes, that equals extra monitoring covered by my insurance. All good by me. I want to make sure all goes well. I had low amniotic fluid last pregnancy, so I want to make sure that is monitored as well.

She then checked my cervix, felt my abdomen and off we go with the ultrasound. And TWO sacs show up. WHAT?!?!? "Whoa whoa whoa" she said, "It's the machine. It's a mirror image. Not twins."

Husband - DEEP SIGH OF RELIEF.

The nurse switched out the probe and apparently, it was a defective probe because we were back to a singleton pregnancy. The baby was noticeably bigger today and we saw that little flicker of a heartbeat. She turned it on so we could hear. That sound never gets old.

At first when she measured the baby looked 7 weeks 3 days, but she found a clearer angle and 7 weeks 6 days, right on target. She also searched for the SCH and there it was. She kind of maneuvered the probe around to get a better angle and the best measurement she could get was 2.43 cm. She told me it'd most likely be reabsorbed into the body eventually.

I asked if there was heightened risk and she pretty much said, if you were going to lose the baby, you'd have lost it. The baby survived the first bleed so chances are VERY slim you'll have any issues going forward. She also mentioned if it was a large SCH she'd be more alarmed, but since it's smaller, she thinks it'll be fine.

Although she didn't have the measurements of the first and second u/s, I did bring in the hard copy for her and she thought it looks noticeably smaller from the first one.

She told me I didn't have to be on bedrest, but that I will be on pelvic rest (sorry hubby, no sex) could not lift more than 20 lbs, should avoid running and exercise and try not to over exert myself. I asked if walking was ok and she kind of paused and said ok, but to limit it to 15-20 min of a casual stroll. No fast walking.

So, my life feels more normal again. I still want to keep reminding myself to take it easy though. I'm kind of an overachiever and I'm well aware this is NOT the time to be so. When I called my mom to update her she kept saying "don't over do it. A messy house is ok. Not cooking dinner every night is ok. Putting your feet up is ok."

So, my next appointment is in two weeks. Typically, it's four weeks, but with the SCH she does want to monitor it carefully, so I'm appreciate of the extra monitoring. AND, best part, that means I can skip the 10 week out of pocket appointment with the RE. My OB also put in a script for progesterone for me. It'll take 1-2 weeks for them to compound, but if I still need it at that point, I can switch to a covered med.

From there off to the lab. I had to do the 1 hr glucose test (which I passed with flying colors) but choking down that horrid orange drink is just disgusting. Especially when you are queasy to start. When I stood up, I almost threw up and the lab tech said "If you throw up you have to drink another one and start over." Deep breaths - out to the sunshine. I laid on the grass for 45 minutes and chatted with my mom on the phone.

Back inside I went. They drew 12 vials of blood and I was done for the day. So now, I wait. I emailed my coordinator at the fertility clinic my u/s photo and the measurement of the SCH and will send her my estradiol and progesterone tomorrow.

I had to go get my son from school. The first time I've stepped out my front door in two weeks and the furthest I've walked. And it was WONDERFUL! Sun was shining, fresh air....ahhhhhh!

The one other thing my doctor stressed was eating. Somehow I've actually lost weight instead of gained any since transfer and am down to 103. Not ideal starting technically "underweight" to begin with. I just have such a hard time eating right now. I feel so ill every time I put something in my mouth. She suggested upping my B6 to 25mg twice a day instead of once and I've a feeling if I don't gain by 10 weeks she will prescribe medication...I really don't want that. I don't like meds to begin and while pregnant, no thanks. As I down all my fertility meds...hmpfh.

So, all in all. Baby looks great. Couch rest is lifted to just taking it easy and I'm just so peaceful tonight after seeing that little bean growing so well in there. It's barely 8:30 and I am EXHAUSTED though so off to take my shot for the night and head to bed.

God bless!

7 weeks 3 days

March 20, 2016

Just checking in. Pretty much exhausted and feeling sick all the time, so that sounds like good news. My biggest struggle right now is staying hydrated. I'm not throwing up, but water and liquids just make me feel ill. I'm trying to mix it up with sparkling juice and waters. As for food, just trying to eat often and small. A slice of cheese is sometimes all I can handle, but that's ok. Just nibbling every few hours so my blood sugar doesn't drop. I just feel full, like I ate five plates at Thanksgiving and want to vomit full, All. The. Time.

As for the bed rest, or couch rest, I've let up a bit. As my doctor said, with no bleeding, I can get up on my feet and do some slight excursions or activities for 15 min or so. Although nothing crazy, I stopped by a friend's baby shower Friday night and promptly parked myself on the couch and went to a baby expo Saturday and made myself homey in a glider that was for sale. I will say I started to feel a bit crampy on the last outing, so we took it easy today. I did go to a friend's church to watch her son speak, but that was literally walking from the door to a chair and back again. I'm really hoping Weds brings good news about moving around a bit more. I miss my walks and I think they helped last pregnancy manage morning sickness.

Not a whole lot of food sounds good perse, except carbs, which I know really means I need more protein, so I've been trying to stick with protein. The only food that DOES sound good all the time in pickled green beans that my parents can. Silly, but oh my goodness. Spicy and salty...sooooo good. Thankfully they are coming to visit in a month so I'm trying to savor the two jars I have.

Other than that, waiting to go in Weds and praying to see a nice strong heartbeat and healed SCH.

God bless.

Subchorionic Hematoma

March 15,

We are 6 weeks and 5 days! It was back to the doctor today and perfect timing. As soon as we pulled up to the office and I put one foot out of the car I felt a huge gush of blood. I kept hoping it was just endometrin discharge from my meds, but I could tell it was something more. I went immediately to the bathroom and gah. I'd have two liners on and it'd soaked through. Eck. Thankfully they are well stocked on pads.

I could feel a dull ache and cramping on the way and was thinking it was my jeans which are already feeling a bit tight. Can I just wear leggings or sweats this whole pregnancy? Seems legit to me, right? When I felt that gush though...

Perfect timing if it were to happen though right? And, I'd been forewarned by the doctor it'd occur again. I'd kind of lucked out until now so I thought maybe I'd be getting off easy.

It was in for the blood draw and back to waiting for my ultrasound. As soon as I got in, the doctor's assistant was scheduled to do my ultrasound today. I like her so I wasn't about complaining it was her. She found the baby right away and already I could tell he or she had grown considerably since last Thursday. Sure enough, our little snowflake was measuring right on target, 6 weeks 5 days. I could see that little flicker of a heart beat too. Always so reassuring. My husband took a little video of the heart and you can even see the little bean moving around a bit. It's so amazing so early that little life is moving, has a beating heart...just amazing.

The thing I was most relieved to see was the dark black line that was the "tear" last time looked considerably smaller to my untrained eye. She said it was a different angle, but even after she moved the wand around, it didn't look as long. It looked a tad thicker in one area, but didn't extend the whole side of the placenta.

Here are the photos. Top is 6 weeks. See the dark black line below the placenta? That is the tear. Bottom is  6 weeks 5 days. The dark line doesn't look as menacing. And, look how much the baby had grown. Amazing how quickly they grow!

She said the clot would hopefully be reabsorbed or bleed out, which it was doing now. Until it was clear, bedrest. My husband clarified what that meant. She basically said only get up to eat or go to the bathroom when I was bleeding. When I wasn't move slow, avoid lifting or straining and only do light activity. Try to limit errands to 15 minutes or so and keep my feet up. If no bleeding, I could do the stairs, incredibly slow and carefully. If I had cramping or any spotting or bleeding, no more.

They wanted me back next week for monitoring. I asked if since I had a visit scheduled with my OB next Weds if that could count as my monitoring visit since prenatal care is covered there and this is out of pocket and they said sure. As long as my OB releases photos of my u/s and my blood tests, I'm ok to go there next week. If my OB agrees to weekly monitoring, then I can do it there under my insurance, but if not, I'll still have to go back to the RE the weeks I'm not seen there. Fingers crossed my OB is cooperative. Considering it's an existing pregnancy and a complication, I'd assume it would be covered since it has nothing to do with "fertility" itself.

We've been very blessed throughout all this. I asked our prayer chain at church just for prayer throughout all this and dinner miraculously appeared on our doorstep last night. They put together a small chain to bring meals every other day so we don't have to worry about food or grocery shopping. It's amazing what a relief that is.

My husband has been diligently submitting applications on the days our son is in childcare to find in town employment. It looks like he will be leaving next week. We're still debating how to make it work, but I think I can put our son in full time daycare for the interim until everything is completely better. I know a few moms from the school would work with me to pick him up or drop him off since we are literally across the street. Our son has been doing really good understanding and having patience I can't do everything to help him.

I can't imagine this will be a long term set back. If so, I talked to my mom about coming to help for a bit and my mother in law offered as well. We'll see how the next week goes before making any arrangements. I'm optimistic it will be short lived.

Until next time - kicking my feet up, drinking lots of water, trying to relax and being grateful for this little one growing day by day.

God bless!

Bedrest

March 11, 2016

Well, I guess this was my second day of bedrest. The good news is I've stopped bleeding entirely. My doctor did prepare me that it'd most likely happen again and there'd probably be cramping and clotting. For now though, I'm feeling good.

I feel sick every time I eat, but I was that way with my first pregnancy as well. A walk outside in the fresh air always helped, but for now, just have to suck it up. Totally fine with it. After everything, morning sickness and bedrest, not gonna complain.

My hubby is struggling a bit. Just with the "I need to work" stress - he travels out of town, but can't at least until I go back for a checkup and we are able to game plan. The reality is though, he was job hunting in town this week anyway, so while our son was at daycare he was able to turn in a few applications. It would be an answer to our prayers for him to get in town employment! For me, I work from home on the computer, so I can still work.

I had to let my agency know about the pregnancy and bedrest. I was hoping to hold off until I was undeniably showing this time because auditions disappear when they know, but out of decency, I let them know what was up. I don't want them pitching me for roles that I can't legitimately go out and audition for. I think if this rectifies soon and I can get back in the game for a month or two before I'm really showing they will still submit me. Maybe...fingers crossed.

My husband is also struggling because I think he's realizing how much of the day to day stuff I typically did. Having to do it all is kind of a rude awakening. All in all, he's handling it really well. Our son is understanding mommy needs to rest and to be careful climbing around me so baby is ok. He gave my belly a kiss goodnight. My husband's been a good sport to carry me up and down the stairs so I can shower. This will be my first night back in my bed and I cannot wait.

I'm trying to let go of the I need to do everything guilt. A friend of ours ran to Costco today and I had her pick us up several of their prepared meals to just pop in the oven. My we need to eat everything healthy attitude is a bit to the wayside right now. As much as I want healthy food, the reality is we need food on the table and I can't prepare it. If this is long term, we'll try and figure something out, but for now, prepared meals it is. It was a pizza night for dinner. I had no complaints.

Other than that, not much to update. I go back in Tuesday for an ultrasound and monitoring. Have a wonderful weekend!

God Bless!

Highs and Lows

March 10, 2016

Well, the last 36 hrs have been a roller coaster.

Everything stated out great yesterday. I went it for my third beta and my coordinator called with great news.

Estradiol 1560
Progesterone >60
HCG 14,497

Awesome numbers for being almost six weeks along. So, happy dance.

A few hrs later though, I started bleeding bright red...a lot. And, I freaked. I called the doctor who was closed and got their answering service. Because "blood" was mentioned they patched me through to the on call doctor who happened to be mine.

I think he was seriously debating driving in last night to meet me at the office. Instead, we decided feet up, lots of fluids and bedrest for the night. I'd come in first thing today.

I was suppose to host an event with my friend tomorrow so I text her explaining what was going on, and she of course didn't care about the event. She was so sweet. They are LDS and in their faith, her husband holds the rite of "priesthood" and she offered him to come say a prayer over me. I was so touched I accepted so he and another friend, also LDS, came and anointed me with oil and said a prayer.

They were very sweet to explain what they were doing and why. Growing up Catholic, I wasn't weirded out my anointing or prayers. My husband and myself found it very comforting. I'd actually picked up a book before they came and was reading over scriptures about comfort and God's promise regarding no one shall miscarry.

When they left, I felt peaceful. I knew everything would be ok. Worry kept creeping in, yes and totally woke me several times, but by this morning, the bright red flow was pink spotting. Greatly reassuring.

My friend offered to watch our son so my husband could come to my appointment with me. When we arrived they decided to run my blood work again to check all my levels and after a wait, we finally got to go in. Everyone was very reassuring that bleeding is pretty common after IVF procedures.

As soon as he inserted the wand, I could see the sac in my uterus and we saw the tiniest of tiny babies. And, wait for it, a flicker! None of us expected to see a heart beat. I am only 6 weeks today. But there it was. He enlarged it and it was the most beautiful site. He turned up the volume and tears just erupted. I'm sure he sees that all the time, but I didn't even care what he though. He shows us the yolk, the baby, the heart beat and explained the baby looked perfect.

he then showed me the dark line and explained that it was a rip between the placenta and the uterus. He said there was a minimal chance of miscarriage, but that these tend to resolve themselves with close monitoring and bedrest. He told me for the next week to stay on bedrest, avoid any lifting, or strenuous reaching or exercise and absolutely take it easy.

He told us to keep our Tuesday appointment and to rest until then. So, here I am feet up.

Since that was my fertility doctor, I emailed my OB as well. I wanted it on record the issues I was having and also to see if it required any closer monitoring there. In all honesty, if my OB can do the bulk of monitoring it'd be SO much cheaper since it's all covered. Today, just going in and having labs run with an u/s was $445. I'm soooooo glad I did though. Money well spent. Reassurance and his expertise worthy way more than gold!

We're not certain what we are going to do in regards to my husband working. He travels out of town and obviously if I'm restricted to bed, that won't work. He is staying in town through next week. After that, we have a few options if the bedrest continues. Put our son in full time daycare when he's traveling and try to arrange for someone to come in the evenings or just have my son and I camp out in the living room every night (since I can't use the stairs) or see if some family will come out. I spoke with my mom briefly and she's willing to come if need be.

For now, rejoicing in hearing that little bean's heart. Feeling so grateful and relieved. I know this little one will be just fine. I just need to rest and take care of myself and the baby.

God Bless!

Update: My clinic just called and my numbers are great.

Estradiol 1228
Progesterone 44.7
HCG 18.379 which is a 70 hr doubling. Way ahead of the projected 96 hr doubling at this point.

1dp5dt

Feb. 17, 2016

Well, one day down. Almost. Feeling good. Having really bad cramps. I'm trying to remember last time if they were this bad. Since it was a negative last time, I assume it was either from the procedure or the embryo had implanted and just arrested. I'll never know. I DO know that today, I'm having really bad cramping. It started super low like little bursts and has just morphed into really bad menstrual like cramps all over. Just dull and achy. Whenever I get up, I just feel sore and like there is a lot of pressure.

Other than that, I feel good. I didn't do the whole bedrest thing this time. I took it easy yesterday and was a couch potato watching shows, but I refused to work to limit stress. It was nice! My son came and snuggled with me before bed and I read him stories on the couch. I slept downstairs as well. I did want to avoid the stairs the first day - maybe a silly precaution, but that was one thing my RE was rather adamant about and I didn't want those "what if" feelings. I will admit it was nice to sleep without my son waking me. Fell to dad last night ;) Hm...maybe I need another night without the stairs, eh?

Last night it was very sweet. My husband pulled out the photo of the embryo at dinner and explained to our son that we called it a "snowflake" and it was tiny tiny and hopefully someday would be a baby. We explained it was in mommy's tummy and mommy couldn't pick him up for a little bit. After dinner, when we were on the couch, he lifted up my shirt and laid his head on my tummy. He kissed it. Melts my heart. I hope that little guy / gal in there is snuggling in deep. He / she has an amazing big brother waiting for them.

This morning, my son came down to wake me and we snuggled and watched cartoons and I got him ready. My husband dropped him at school, but I'm picking him up tonight. I've just been working from the couch today making sure to get up every few hours to get the blood pumping.

I started the Lovenox last night. Not too bad. I will say it stings to push that needle in, but it does to the rear as well. The Lovenox goes into your fat in your stomach. You have to basically squish it up and stab it in there. I think it actually stings more because you are watching it go in and have to give it a good shove. It did bruise a tiny bit - it just looks like a blood blister. It bled more than the intramuscular ones in my butt. I'm thinking the nurse was right and I'll have to move to my legs at some point. I'll have to take a photo later into this process. My stomach will be riddled with bruised dots. lol

An amazing thing yesterday. We received an anonymous donation. It came with a beautiful hand written note. Someone's uncle had passed away. They decided to give us a portion of the estate he left as he'd have wanted to gift it to a couple seeking the adoption process. They commented how he may not have understood this method, but getting with the times and all... lol. It was neat to hear about his life and his quirky personality. I've saved it to put in a memory box for our little Snowflake. We've so many things to share with him or her when they are older about how wanted they are, how blessed we are to have them in our family.

It was really neat to get and my husband and myself continuously find ourselves thanking God and amazing at how blessed we've been. A month ago, I remember crying and not knowing how we would do all this. I honestly made a decision one day to lay it at God's feet and found peace. I will never stop being amazed at how God works. There is no problem to big or too small.

Well, gearing up for my next shot and keeping my feet up and warm while I finish out the work day and can go get my son.

God bless!