Subchorionic Hematoma

March 15,

We are 6 weeks and 5 days! It was back to the doctor today and perfect timing. As soon as we pulled up to the office and I put one foot out of the car I felt a huge gush of blood. I kept hoping it was just endometrin discharge from my meds, but I could tell it was something more. I went immediately to the bathroom and gah. I'd have two liners on and it'd soaked through. Eck. Thankfully they are well stocked on pads.

I could feel a dull ache and cramping on the way and was thinking it was my jeans which are already feeling a bit tight. Can I just wear leggings or sweats this whole pregnancy? Seems legit to me, right? When I felt that gush though...

Perfect timing if it were to happen though right? And, I'd been forewarned by the doctor it'd occur again. I'd kind of lucked out until now so I thought maybe I'd be getting off easy.

It was in for the blood draw and back to waiting for my ultrasound. As soon as I got in, the doctor's assistant was scheduled to do my ultrasound today. I like her so I wasn't about complaining it was her. She found the baby right away and already I could tell he or she had grown considerably since last Thursday. Sure enough, our little snowflake was measuring right on target, 6 weeks 5 days. I could see that little flicker of a heart beat too. Always so reassuring. My husband took a little video of the heart and you can even see the little bean moving around a bit. It's so amazing so early that little life is moving, has a beating heart...just amazing.

The thing I was most relieved to see was the dark black line that was the "tear" last time looked considerably smaller to my untrained eye. She said it was a different angle, but even after she moved the wand around, it didn't look as long. It looked a tad thicker in one area, but didn't extend the whole side of the placenta.

Here are the photos. Top is 6 weeks. See the dark black line below the placenta? That is the tear. Bottom is  6 weeks 5 days. The dark line doesn't look as menacing. And, look how much the baby had grown. Amazing how quickly they grow!

She said the clot would hopefully be reabsorbed or bleed out, which it was doing now. Until it was clear, bedrest. My husband clarified what that meant. She basically said only get up to eat or go to the bathroom when I was bleeding. When I wasn't move slow, avoid lifting or straining and only do light activity. Try to limit errands to 15 minutes or so and keep my feet up. If no bleeding, I could do the stairs, incredibly slow and carefully. If I had cramping or any spotting or bleeding, no more.

They wanted me back next week for monitoring. I asked if since I had a visit scheduled with my OB next Weds if that could count as my monitoring visit since prenatal care is covered there and this is out of pocket and they said sure. As long as my OB releases photos of my u/s and my blood tests, I'm ok to go there next week. If my OB agrees to weekly monitoring, then I can do it there under my insurance, but if not, I'll still have to go back to the RE the weeks I'm not seen there. Fingers crossed my OB is cooperative. Considering it's an existing pregnancy and a complication, I'd assume it would be covered since it has nothing to do with "fertility" itself.

We've been very blessed throughout all this. I asked our prayer chain at church just for prayer throughout all this and dinner miraculously appeared on our doorstep last night. They put together a small chain to bring meals every other day so we don't have to worry about food or grocery shopping. It's amazing what a relief that is.

My husband has been diligently submitting applications on the days our son is in childcare to find in town employment. It looks like he will be leaving next week. We're still debating how to make it work, but I think I can put our son in full time daycare for the interim until everything is completely better. I know a few moms from the school would work with me to pick him up or drop him off since we are literally across the street. Our son has been doing really good understanding and having patience I can't do everything to help him.

I can't imagine this will be a long term set back. If so, I talked to my mom about coming to help for a bit and my mother in law offered as well. We'll see how the next week goes before making any arrangements. I'm optimistic it will be short lived.

Until next time - kicking my feet up, drinking lots of water, trying to relax and being grateful for this little one growing day by day.

God bless!

1dp5dt

Feb. 17, 2016

Well, one day down. Almost. Feeling good. Having really bad cramps. I'm trying to remember last time if they were this bad. Since it was a negative last time, I assume it was either from the procedure or the embryo had implanted and just arrested. I'll never know. I DO know that today, I'm having really bad cramping. It started super low like little bursts and has just morphed into really bad menstrual like cramps all over. Just dull and achy. Whenever I get up, I just feel sore and like there is a lot of pressure.

Other than that, I feel good. I didn't do the whole bedrest thing this time. I took it easy yesterday and was a couch potato watching shows, but I refused to work to limit stress. It was nice! My son came and snuggled with me before bed and I read him stories on the couch. I slept downstairs as well. I did want to avoid the stairs the first day - maybe a silly precaution, but that was one thing my RE was rather adamant about and I didn't want those "what if" feelings. I will admit it was nice to sleep without my son waking me. Fell to dad last night ;) Hm...maybe I need another night without the stairs, eh?

Last night it was very sweet. My husband pulled out the photo of the embryo at dinner and explained to our son that we called it a "snowflake" and it was tiny tiny and hopefully someday would be a baby. We explained it was in mommy's tummy and mommy couldn't pick him up for a little bit. After dinner, when we were on the couch, he lifted up my shirt and laid his head on my tummy. He kissed it. Melts my heart. I hope that little guy / gal in there is snuggling in deep. He / she has an amazing big brother waiting for them.

This morning, my son came down to wake me and we snuggled and watched cartoons and I got him ready. My husband dropped him at school, but I'm picking him up tonight. I've just been working from the couch today making sure to get up every few hours to get the blood pumping.

I started the Lovenox last night. Not too bad. I will say it stings to push that needle in, but it does to the rear as well. The Lovenox goes into your fat in your stomach. You have to basically squish it up and stab it in there. I think it actually stings more because you are watching it go in and have to give it a good shove. It did bruise a tiny bit - it just looks like a blood blister. It bled more than the intramuscular ones in my butt. I'm thinking the nurse was right and I'll have to move to my legs at some point. I'll have to take a photo later into this process. My stomach will be riddled with bruised dots. lol

An amazing thing yesterday. We received an anonymous donation. It came with a beautiful hand written note. Someone's uncle had passed away. They decided to give us a portion of the estate he left as he'd have wanted to gift it to a couple seeking the adoption process. They commented how he may not have understood this method, but getting with the times and all... lol. It was neat to hear about his life and his quirky personality. I've saved it to put in a memory box for our little Snowflake. We've so many things to share with him or her when they are older about how wanted they are, how blessed we are to have them in our family.

It was really neat to get and my husband and myself continuously find ourselves thanking God and amazing at how blessed we've been. A month ago, I remember crying and not knowing how we would do all this. I honestly made a decision one day to lay it at God's feet and found peace. I will never stop being amazed at how God works. There is no problem to big or too small.

Well, gearing up for my next shot and keeping my feet up and warm while I finish out the work day and can go get my son.

God bless!

Update

Dec. 9, 2015

Not a whole lot to report on the fertility front. My period was super SUPER light, like wear a liner light. It's amazing to me that when I went to my baseline my lining was 2.4mm and I blend heavier than I am now with I had a 10mm lining. I'm trying to wrap my head around that. I was seriously prepared for the heaviest period I've ever experienced. Hm...

We were thinking of a January transfer, but I think we may actually postpone until February Timing wise, I was going to be out of town until Jan. 3, and my coordinator is out of the office on medical leave and rather unresponsive. I think I'd have had to have started my birth control pills by now to work with the time line she anticipated.

But, even more exciting, I was contacted by a producer who'd interviewed me when I was doing publicity eons ago for some films I was in and he asked me to come down to Sundance to talk on a panel. He also said he'd give me a space for free in one of the celebrity suites to chat about oils. I've always wanted to go to Sundance and my hubby and I think it's a great opportunity on all fronts for me. So...that'd put me out of town Jan 21-24 anyway so basically unavailable for a later in January transfer.

With everything going on, we chatted about it and requested that I get my baseline right after that trip putting us in an early February. transfer. I'm waiting for my coordinator to get back to us, but that makes the most sense. I figure a few more weeks is just a few more weeks. I did also ask to chat with the doctor to review if we should change up the protocol and the scratching and embryo glue. I want to get his take on all of it.

Still wrestling with the one versus two scenario. I'm thinking we should just do one again, but then I get that nagging voice telling me to go with two. I'm sure it'll be clear when we need to pull the trigger. It was last time.

I still haven't called my TCM back. I'm wrestling with trying one more local out here versus the hour drive each way to where I was going. Part of me is also just enjoying not dealing with any fertility crap right now. No herbs. No acupuncture. No special diets or supplements. I'm just really kind of relaxing and letting the chips fall where they may. I'm sure I'll feel differently the closer we get, but for now, with everything going on...I just don't have the time. Our house is chaos with workers and adjusters in and out. I think the New Year will just feel sooooo much more settled.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays!

God Bless!

6dp5dt

Nov. 22, 2015

Today was my son's birthday and I couldn't help feeling blessed from the moment I woke. What a blessing he is. I've so much to be thankful for!

Yesterday, I tested to a negative and had a complete breakdown. I mean ugly sob, breakdown. I completely freaked. I know that's silly. I know it was early. I know. But, wow! I had to go for a walk to try and regroup. Only to walk in the house and go upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom and cry again. My friend told me to get FRER as she thought they'd be better than Wondfos. I'm not convinced as both gave me the false positives prior, but I picked up a few.

Last night, I looked in my basket of books on the floor and was drawn to Nerida Walker's book "God's Plan for Pregnancy." It spoke about not relying on signs, symptoms or the natural and placing your faith in God. This whole journey my faith has been there and I was really ashamed I was so unsettled by that yesterday.

This morning, I decided not to test. I wanted my focus, my love and my gratitude to be centered on my son. When I'll test again, I honestly don't know.

I did however lose it at church - big cry. Our pastor, who ran a adoption / foster home was talking about a specific five year old child and to hear the abuse this child faced...I broke down. My husband left the sanctuary to get me a kleenex. It sickens me people who are so cruel to children can get pregnant so easily. It sickens me any child could be treated that way.

I don't have any real "symptoms" but thinking back, I don't think I had any with Reed this early either.

Boy, this whole fertility stuff is a real mind trip...

God bless!

2dp5dt

Nov. 18, 2015

Well, two days in. Yesterday and today have been very, very crampy. I'm optomistic it's the wee one settling in for the long haul.

Monday, I did pretty good with the whole bed rest thing. I wasn't overly strict, but was a good couch potato. My friend got home around 8:30 that night and cooked dinner. I sat on a chair with my feet up on another chair in the kitchen and chatted with her. She was also a good sport and did my shots since it was in the left cheek. She was AWESOME! Very gentle. Barely left a mark.

I will say, bed rest and PIO shots are a pretty awful combo. What I've found makes the shots tolerable is moving around. So lying all day or lounging just makes the muscles hurt more. It's like when you work out and don't stretch. Whenever I did get up, I felt like an 80 year old woman waddling around. So, so tender.

Last night, I ended up getting an audition. I should have figured I would. Whenever I leave town or have a conflict, the calls come in. Since it wasn't until 6:15 in the evening I decided to go. The doctor had told me I could actually return to work that day since I sit behind a computer (little did he know I work from home so I'd be there anyway) so I figured going to an audition and walking that little bit wouldn't be bad. I can't help but think a little blood flow to the uterus helps anyways.

It was on the back lot at Universal and I was able to park super close to the trailer. I will say however it was not my finest moment as an actor. Super easy role. HOWEVER, I was so paranoid about my husband getting me from my friends, getting home to change, drive there, etc I gave the sides a once over and totally ignored the breakdown (a description of the character.) I've lived here 15 years and NEVER done that! Ever! I'm the epitome of professional and prepared. So, I drive all the way to town in rush hour on my day of bed rest (I was being a couch potato in my car...right?? Made sense to me) and pull into the studio, find a parking spot and turn on my phone to review the sides one last time and notice the breakdown. OOPS! I was wearing a completely inappropriate outfit.

Sh*t! I about had a panic attack in the car. I basically summoned all my "get your sh*t together" attitude, walked into the trailer restroom, tried to make things work with my hair and basically had the "just do what you came here to do pep talk." Long story short. I did the role well. This is the fourth time I've been in for this show. Casting knows me well and the whole way home I just had to keep repeating to myself she obviously likes my work. If I lose this role because I wore my damn sneakers instead of heels (which I had on and CHANGED by the way because I remembered my TCM told me to keep my feet warm and it was cold out) then I'd hope she'll continue calling me in until the role is right. I'm still irritated with myself over it. I'm always on my game when it comes to that. I totally dropped the ball.

I was able to get home in time for my son's bedtime. My husband was very sweet and carried me up the stairs so I could read him some stories before bed. My son, thought it was hilarious!

Today, my 48 hr bed rest was up, but my husband still insisted on carrying me down the stairs this morning. Once we surpassed the true 48 hrs since procedure I did climb them myself. This evening I took a super short walk to the store and it felt glorious. Tomorrow I will resume my daily walks. It really helps my tush feel better like I said before. Sitting around just makes me hurt.

I'm feeling really good about things. The cramps I feel are a good sign. I am incredibly tired. I know it's too early to be a pregnancy sign, but I think all the progesterone I'm taking is making me drag. Well, that and I'm sure the sitting around is just making me feel lazy and tired too.

My husband was saying I should test already and I had to explain it was WAY too early. I think he's just excited. Me too. Praying praying praying....

God Bless

PUPO

Nov. 16, 2015

We are PUPO!!! Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!!

The last few days were, I admit, a bit stressful and probably a bit hormonal and emotional on my part. I know my body is just rampant with hormones and to be honest, my butt is incredibly sore. The PIO injections are a little painful to do, but tolerable. It's the next day that is really killer. I think the left side is the worst because I'm not ambidextrous. Inserting it is ok, but when I pull back to check for blood I think I jostle the needle a bit too much causing bruising. With everything building up...it was a tense weekend.

Saturday I did acupuncture so they put the "hold" acupuncture on me :) They told me to finish my herbs, which I completed that night and they'd wait until I found out if (when!) I'm pregnant to adjust. They told me it is fine to take while pregnant and they are nourishing herbs to energize and strengthen me. I'm praying on that. I feel funny taking anything when pregnant. I'm hoping my body kicks in on it's own.

Sunday I went in for a massage which was glorious. Trying to explain to the masseuse why I had two large black circles drawn on my butt was interesting with her jilted English. She may have caught the grasp of what I was saying. If not, I'm sure she's seen crazier things.

Sunday night was a flurry of getting everything ready for my son and packing. We decided I'd stay at my friend's house overnight this evening and during the day tomorrow so I could get some proper rest. After my shower, it'd been raining and chilly so my husband suggested I put on my fleece pjs. I grabbed them without thinking and was wrestling with my son when I caught a glimpse of them...snowflakes!!! What a good omen. Frozen embryos are nicknamed "snowflakes" because they are frozen and each one is unique. It brought a tear to my eye!

This morning was a madhouse getting everyone out the door on time, and in fact we were late. I was soooo stressed. We made it to the clinic with one minute, that's right ONE MINUTE to spare until my OR prep. My husband dropped me at the door and I ran in while he parked. They called me back just as he walked into the waiting room.

Our transfer room was remarkably calming though. Dim lights. Relaxing music. I'd been instructed to have a full bladder and boy did I ever! The nurse told me to undress from the waist down and they'd be in to check my bladder. About five minutes later, she came in, fired up the u/s and said "wow! yes, full bladder!" So, off she and her assistant went to get the doctor. My husband and I took a moment to hole each other's hand and saw a quick prayer.

When he came in about ten fifteen minutes later he brought this beautiful photo of our little embryo! The mass on the right is our embryo. The circle to the left is it's shell. It was almost completely hatched and it's cells looked great.

He said it was PERFECT! He was thrilled with how our little bugger thawed. He gave me a big hug and answered some last minute questions.

He said it was a hatching 5AA embryo and beautiful quality!! We are so thrilled. We worried about degrading quality and instead got one awesome little snowflake to transfer!

He got me all set in the saddle (no modesty here folks) and showed us on the screen my uterus. I had a cm lining so it grew since my last appointment by almost a whole mm. He said it was a great lining and offered a cushy spot for our wee one. Once we were all set, they sent word to bring in the embryo.

A nurse came in with a long tube and cover and he inserted it into the catheter and showed us as our little babe was placed in my uterus and my hubby and I held hands and smiled in wonder. There was a gentle little flash of white. They then took the tube back to the lab to verify the embryo wasn't stuck in the tube. And that was it!

Our doctor told me to lay flat for about ten minutes, then go empty by bladder and come back for about 20 minutes to just let things settle in. They brought me a nice heated blanket and turned off the air since it was a bit chilly in there. I felt pampered.

Our doctor was wonderful. He was so warm and my husband commented how it was so nice to feel included. He looked to my husband, ensured we both saw what was going on, on the monitor. Such a warm man.

We snapped a photo (I scribbled out the office and names) and we were on our way. We had a little lunch date and he left me to nap and rest at my friends who was so cute to set out food, remotes, blankets. I'm being taken well care of.

During all of this, it's been incredibly touching and humbling. A mother's group I'm in was pulling for me and there were so many words of prayer, support, well wishes and baby dust being sent my way. An embryo group I'm in, I posted a photo of us PUPO and within hours there were almost 100 likes and so many words of encouragement. I know we live in a society nowadays where the internet can have such a bad connotation, but for journeys like this, those communities are so strong and encouraging. For something that started as isolating and desolate for us, we've found friendships and unconditional support...many of those relationships that we've taken into real life with phone calls, texts and in face meet ups. God has such an amazing way of working.

A month or so ago when my in-laws were visiting I found a medallion on my dresser when they left. It was of St. Gerard, who is the patron saint of fertility. They aren't Catholic so I was surprised...but I was raised Catholic and always still consider myself part Catholic even though my husband and I attend a Presbyterian Church. It also had special meaning to me because my dad's middle name is Gerard. I've been carrying this little medal with me to every fertility appointment and it came with us today. Ever since learning the Hail Mary when I was younger, I feel power when reaching out to Saints. I remember my mom praying to St. Joseph when they were selling my grandma's house. They buried the statue in the ground.

 So, for now, I rest, pray and wait. Our Beta is November 30. I know I'll cheat and test sooner, but I don't know when. My son's birthday is Sunday 6dp5dt (6 days past 5 day transfer) so I may be able to get a glimmer of a positive, but it's still early and I don't want to get bummed over a false negative or a real negative. I want it to be my son's happy day!

I'll keep you posted. And for everyone out there, it is National Embryo Adoption Awareness Day on November 25th!!! Get the word out what a blessing this is. So many couples who have done IVF are unaware donating their embryos is an option. What a tremendous gift to so many waiting families and what a beautiful thing to give your babes on ice a chance at life.

If I could ask anyone out there reading to offer a prayer or send a sticky baby vibe our way, I'm so grateful for it.

God bless you!! Always!

Embryo Adoption

Nov. 17, 2014

In my last few posts I've talked about Embryo adoption. I was shocked to log on to Facebook today and see this article scrolling across my feed. For any of you that are interested in it...check it out :)


http://www.people.com/article/embryo-adoption-liz-krainman

Acu update, Spotting and Investigating Adoption

Oct. 30, 2014

Well, onwards and upwards. It was back to TCM today to share with them the "period" and my new labs. They were happy with the progress. Although they'd have liked heavier blood flow, something is better than nothing. My sentiments exactly. My pulse was a bit stronger today, and nice and strong after my session.

She told me a peculiar thing though. To keep my feet warm. I had no idea that could alter a menstrual cycle, but she showed me how she always wore pantyhose even with sandals because your feet should always stay warm. Out of curiosity, I googled it. Apparently when you bleed you are most vulnerable so TCM says to not go barefoot and avoid swimming in cold water. Here is a link.

https://www.acufinder.com/Acupuncture+Information/Detail/ABCs+of+Fertility+Acupuncture,+Babies,+Chinese+Medicine+-+Part+1

I go around barefoot all the time, so I guess I'll be more conscious of that. I do love my slippers in the winter though, so just another excuse to get my annual pair of Snoozies. Have you tried this things?? You will fall in love.

My session was definitely more relaxed today. I was early, no stressors and I could just lay there. It heart like the dickens though. I won't like. The needles over my ovaries felt like daggers going in! "Hurt?" she asked. "Yes!!" I asked if it was because I was bleeding and she said yes. I'm very sensitive right now because of it. Sweet sassy molassy! She was right!

She was also happy with my labs. Although no beautiful numbers, they were drastically better than last time. And the beauty is, it was done naturally coaxing my body back into health without meds to mask symptoms. I like that.

Something else I feel I should share, full disclosure and all, is I started sending away for information on adoption. The cost of it all makes me want to cry, but we've never been opposed to adopting. I found a few nice Christian agencies (not that we are opposed to others, but these are non profit and I've moral issues with going some of the larger ones that work for profit) in this area. Some of which foster to adopt.

Fostering to adopt is something I'm not certain we want. The big reason - my heart can only handle so much heartache and bringing a child into our family that could leave would devastate me.

Adopting costs upwards of $35,000. A lot of agencies look a lot lower until you read into the "additional" costs. An adoption that looks to be $25,000 after the agency "fees" in usually about $10,000 more. It's all very overwhelming.

I did email our accountant though to discuss the adoption tax credits and how they are applied, so I do know we could get tax dollars back the year it is finalized. There are also numerous grants for me to research if we do decide to proceed in this direction.

There is also the adoption to adopt an embryo. I know my doctors had told me DE IVF, which is donor egg IVF with the egg fertilized with my husbands sperm, but I didn't realize how many families have undergone IVF and are putting their other embies up for adoption. I like that. Because otherwise, those little babes would never have a chance. But again, it is about a $10,000 fee to adopt them (none of which goes to the family by the way - just the agencies!!) and then you pay for the IVF procedure.

The funny thing is, before I never wanted to look seriously into the matter because I felt I was "giving" up on conceiving, but now all of a sudden, I don't feel that way at all. I feel very at peace with we will have another biological child, but this whole journey, with all my prayer, has also given me a certain peace bringing a child into our home another way. I just wish it wasn't so much money. It's staggering really.

So, after all that rambling, I don't know if adoption is a realistic avenue for our family, but I want to research it as best I can. I know we've a spot in our heart and family for a child. I've an odd peace we will conceive and have a healthy baby, but I've always been a bit type "A" in preparing for every outcome.

So, it is CD5 and I'm very optimistic this cycle. I feel good. I'm encouraged my estrogen levels are higher increasing my odds to ovulate, and I'm ensuring I eat well, get good rest and do my best to center myself mentally and spiritually.

Since I KNEW I had not ovulated recently and am not pregnant, I started my castor oil pack yesterday. I did it while I was working. Thankfully my husband was at class, otherwise I'm sure he'd have given me a strange look to come down stairs and find me without pants sitting on a garbage bag (to catch castor oil) with a pack sitting on my stomach! I also started taking my evening primrose and red raspberry leaf tea again. I never do when I even think I may have ovulated because I want to avoid uterine contractions.

I also got an early Christmas present. A nutribullet!! I've been juicing for the past few months, but my motor was shot and it's been tough to schedule with my friend juicing, so I researched different options and decided on the nutribullet because I think drinking the fiber is important too. So, I've been downing my organic veggies for easy absorption the past few days. Nice thing is, my family is hooked too, so it's a good way to get a variety of vitamins and minerals down the hatch. I know proper eating is essential to fertility!!

I've also been listening to Nerida Walker a lot. I play her in the background while I work to center myself when I need to. I think her ministry is amazing!

Off topic, I've continued making my homemade items and I'm falling in love with all of them. My sister-in-law has been doing the same. We've tossed around the idea of starting to sell some small scale to see how people like them. Who knew all these health problems would open so many doors, right? She has three kids and we're both adamant we give our kids the best outlook at a healthy future. I don't want my child to ever suffer health problems from exposure to toxins like I have. I know they come into contact with thousands a day, so if I can do a small part to limit that, you can be assured I will!

God Bless!