Where to begin… I suppose a brief intro and overview is in
order. I'm post dating this to Jan. 1, 2014, so the order of my blog posts (which I had been writing privately as a POF diary for myself initially saved to my computer) are in the correct order. For your record, it is April 24. It took me over three months to process this diagnosis and be in a positive place sharing my story. So, don't beat yourself up if you need time. I also have not shared with anyone outside my immediate family circle aside from three close friends. It's still a bit too raw and I don't want any negativity, backlash or questioning of my motives or decision for treatment from anyone, especially those that are close. I'll let you know when I am able to make that personal and public announcement outside my own blogosphere so you can share in that "journey" too.
My name is Emily and I am blessed by one incredible son and
an awesome husband. My journey with secondary infertility began at the start of
this year. Or, shall I say, my knowledge of my infertility slapped me in the
face. Happy New Year to you too!
My son was born November 22, 2012. He was our Turkey Baby
born at 11:12 pm, just in time for me to shovel in some pie after snacking on
ice chips all day long. We had no trouble conceiving him at all. Married May
2011, ditched the birth control and started trying in November and after a
wonky cycle or two of my body not relying on birth control to man the ship for 14 years and regulate it's cycles,
conceived on our third cycle. We got our BFP, big fat positive, on the test
March 9th, 2013. So, this baby making stuff is easy! Right?!
Gulp.
After having my son, I was just convinced that my period hadn’t
returned since I was breast feeding. He was a horrible sleeper and nursed
constantly through the night, so the constant nipple stimulation was keeping it
at bay. Or, so I thought. My hubby and I started trying in September for a baby
thinking maybe we’d just “catch that first egg.” And, we thought we had.
When we got back from our Christmas vacation, I thought
before taking a sip of New Year champagne, why not take a test to make sure.
And it was positive! And so were eight others over the next few days, but they
never darkened and finally disappeared. I was heartbroken thinking I’d had a
chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage. But, I never bled.
After going back and forth a dozen times with an incompetent
midwife who assured me my test was wrong (Hello lady, I took NINE!!) and my
period would come when it normally does despite my trying to explain I hadn’t
had a post partum period yet so I wouldn't even know when that would be, I finally contacted another doctor. She ran an HCG
test and my level was 5. Less than 4 is not pregnant. 5 is typically borderline
pregnant. She told me most likely it was a CP and I’d start to bleed anytime. I
didn’t.
When no period came, they started to take me a bit more
seriously. She referred me to another doctor in the OBGYN department. The
doctor I met with, who I shall refer to as “Jack Knob” because my other
references to him aren’t PG enough for your web browsing eyes to see, came in
and with no emotion took a gander at my ovaries in an ultra sound, which he
said looked fine. He told me my endometrial lining was 2 mm so wouldn’t sustain
the pregnancy if there was indeed a pregnancy. He assured me he’d run some
tests and let me know what they said. He promised he’d call to discuss the
outcome.
Well, my test did come back. My HCG level was 7 (four days
later) so it was going up, but not at the rate of a viable pregnancy. And, that
is just what he told me. He put it in some fancy doctor lingo in an email that took me to
google to translate, but basically said the high LH as well as slightly elevated
HCG in my blood had been giving me the false positives on the pregnancy tests.
I, however, saw my FSH and LH levels and about fell out of
my chair. My FSH was 111.8 and my LH was 65.3. FSH in a normal, healthy woman
should be UNDER 12!! 12!! Mine was 100 higher. LH levels ebb and flow. It’s the
hormone that tells your egg to pop out, and that was a high number, but the two
high together meant bad news. I’d gone to Google and boy, oh boy, was that a
mistake. Either Premature Ovarian Failure, aka, you are done, no babies for
you, or a Pituitary Tumor, aka brain tumor. Well, Happy Flippin’ New Year.
When this moron didn’t make the connection, I emailed him
back saying I was alarmed by those two high numbers, much more than the HCG. I asked to have further testing to rule out a
brain tumor. He EMAILED me saying it was most likely ovarian failure and he’d
repeat the tests in four weeks. Um, four weeks?? Yeah, right. I asked him to
please run a prolactin test and estrogen test for me. He called and callously told
me it was probably POF. When I asked what treatment there was, he said “None.
Your ovaries don’t work anymore.” My response, sobbing like a baby.
My estrogen levels came back undetectable and my prolactin
showed a slight elevation most likely from breastfeeding. I sought another
opinion.
This time, I meant with a very frank, but nice and thorough
doctor. She went through my chart with me and took a lot of information to
consult with an infertility specialist friend of hers. Infertility isn’t
covered by my health plan. She also did a u/s and said my lining was paper
thin.
The lab results this time, absolutely devastated me.
HCG 7
FSH 136.5
LH 98.8
AMH <.03
I was
basically told I was a 100+ year old post menopausal woman. My options were egg
donor or adoption. Through tears, I asked what my options were and she said
birth control pills to regulate hormones. Trying to keep it together I
explained that I’d researched POF and there were rare people who ovulated.
Birth control would take away that possibility. She told me, sometimes women
with POF do squirt out an egg here or there and maybe “God would throw me a
bone.” Oddly enough, I know she meant that as my chances were nil, but I found
it reassuring. Yes, he would!
My AMH
levels basically said I had no eggs and no follicles left. Hmph. Since then, I’ve
done a lot of research, and this isn’t exactly true. Yes, there are no
follicles in the beginning stages growing, but that really doesn’t have
anything to do with how many eggs you have left or their quality. The doctors
assume you don’t because none are growing, but in theory, if you are under
duress, your ovaries, non essential organs, are one of the first to shut down.
Given my lack of sleep and high stress, it’s conceivable, that’s exactly what
they did.
In my fervent research of the disease I learned that over the course of 10 years, there is a 5%-10% chance a woman can spontaneously get pregnant with POF. Yes, my numbers were way, way higher than most POF women so my chances were slimmer, but there was one. My own rational was, my doctor immediately wanted to prescribe birth control. How many women with POF follow that directive and take it? So, they are automatically removing themselves from the pool for spontaneous pregnancy. Further more, how many make fertility minded changes in their life with diet? Exercise? And, as I researched further (I'll get to that) with acupuncture, chiropractic care and herbs and supplements? How many of these women that just spontaneously got pregnant were actually trying to better their odds? If 5-10% of all women, most of whom aren't actively trying or preparing their bodies can get pregnant, my odds were looking a lot better. Because, I was doing it all!
I had her
refer me to an RE who refused to see me because I didn’t have infertility
insurance. When I pressed the issue saying I was at increased odds for osteoporosis,
heart disease, stroke and cancer without the correct hormones in my body they
woman relented a bit on the phone and admitted that yes, my “infertility” put
me at severe health risk. She then gently told me, pushing for a visit was a
waste of money because they would tell me my situation was helpless. She gave
me the adoption or donor egg speech. The third doctor to tell me this. Sigh.
I did more
research and learned about HRT, hormone replacement therapy, but I didn’t like
the idea of a lifetime of pumping pharmaceuticals into my body. And then, I
came across some blogs and articles about alternative, holistic approaches. The
more I read, the more I was intrigued.
Western and
Eastern medicines approached reproductive issues, POF especially very
differently. Western medicine, as brilliant as it is, treats the symptoms and
tries to prevent future complications like osteoporosis. Eastern medicine
treats the overall body and tries to correct overall health which in turn will
gently prod your body into doing what it should be doing.
The first
few weeks after my diagnosis, I was barely functional. I was listless and
downright pissed. Yes, I was blessed with an amazing little boy, but I’d always
dreamed of a big family. I had dreams for him to grow up with a brother or
sister. I grew up with many and couldn’t imagine not. My husband was very
supportive, but it wasn’t until the last test that the gravity of what happened
sunk in. I thought he didn’t care, but in reality, he hadn’t believed it until
then.
I decided to
open up to my mom, and three close friends, one of whom was dealing with
infertility herself. Her and I had a heart to heart and she told me about an
acupuncturist / herbalist she went to. I made an appointment to join her on her
next visit. They told me I was basically depleted. My pulse was extremely weak
and I had depression of the liver. The liver channel isn’t the “liver” but I
had a lot of anger, resentment, stress and negative emotion built up in my body
blocking my hormonal flow. They told me I was extremely unhealthy and weak.
They suggested I stop breastfeeding first and foremost because I was literally
giving all my energy and nutrients to my baby. This was an emotional struggle.
One, I will deal with in future blogs. Second, they told me to limit my stress
and immediately. Third, they told me they needed to tell my ovaries to ‘wake up’
and started acupuncture that day. Once I weaned, they would give me herbs to
nourish my body.
I also started seeing a chiropractor because a healthy alignment is important to your nervous and endocrine system, which is really what fires the messages for your body to produce and release hormones. After my initial consult, my spine was really out of whack. Most likely from stress, exhaustion and, his words, basically motherhood destroys the body. The nursing, crouching, cuddling, lugging kids and diaper bags and car seats around...all takes a toll.
My husband
and I decided to turn our path to God. We've always had faith, but this problem
was far to great for us to even think of handling on our own.
We also
decided to reevaluate and take stock. My body was exhausted and weak. My son,
now 13 months had yet to sleep through the night. The three months leading up
to my diagnosis, I rarely slept more than 2-3 hrs a night, never more than an
hour or two at a time. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was trying to
work as close to full time as possible during all his naps and at night in
addition to the two full work days I had while he was in daycare. We were
struggling financially and my husband had been working sporadic part time jobs
for the last three months of the year. I was at my breaking point, and my body
just gave out.
We decided I
needed to limit stress. God answered our prayers by assisting with my sons
sleeping. He’s now a champ and sleeps all through the night and for lengthier
naps. My husband, thankfully, got a job in town. He used to travel so when he
was working, I single parented it at home. His job meant he was here to help,
and a consistent income.
I began
reading about all the things that affect your fertility. Diet. Toxins. The list
seemed endless but I decided to make some big changes…
