July 24, 2014
I'll let you in on a little secret. Positive pregnancy tests don't even excite me anymore :( (FYI- if you want cheap Wondfo's which are the cheap HPT and OPK tests go here! This is the best price I've found and you can do combos of both or just some alone.
This was yesterday. The top one, yesterday - obviously darker than the ones preceding it (the days leading up to it) right? Nice progression, huh? The top would be 10 DPO if I ovulated.
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Then, this morning. This happened.
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Pretty cool, huh? Nope. I had a blood draw to check my HCG. 4. 4???? 4!?!??! Yup, 4. As in not even close to being pregnant. Seriously, how sensitive are these tests? 4 and under is not pregnant. Between 4-25 in inconclusive and 25 and over is pregnant. Do they really need to make tests THIS sensitive? I mean, I like knowing right away, just like the next gal, but come on!
I need to remind myself, to just toss them away without a second though until the line is a in your face YOU ARE PREGNANT line!
On the one hand, I'm seriously bummed. I never did let myself get excited because I thought it could just be hormones awry. On the other hand, I was actually kind of relieved my HCG was only 4. Before it was 7 so it's half. I guess that shows some improvement.
My son had a difficult time going to bed tonight. He was crying and I went in and told him it was night night time and asked if I laid down on the floor next to his crib and rubbed his belly he'd feel better. He told me yes and laid right down. As I was rubbing his belly, arm and head, I just started crying. I totally thought I'd be at peace either way, and I am...but, it just really hit me. I feel absolutely broken.
I don't think I ever understood before all this how incredibly lonely and frustrating it is for your body to be completely out of control. For all the people dealing with sickness, cancers, infertility, mental illness, it is scary. It's isolating, because you look ok on the outside and no one knows. And, even if they do, unless they are dealing with the same thing...they really, can't truly understand.
I had a moment of actual despair thinking I may never experience every moment I've shared with my son again. I have to keep believing I will. For one thing, it's made me value every single second with him. When I find myself getting tired or nearing the end of my rope, I really take a step back and realize that I can't get these moments back. Is it seriously worth me losing my temper? No. It's helped my patience parenting, being a wife, daughter, actor, employee...
You know, my husband and I from the time we were in premarital counseling always said we'd be open to adoption, but the reality is, it's near impossible unless you are wealthy. It cost more than IVF. Whenever I hear someone say "why can't they just adopt, there's so many children that need homes" I really want to smack them upside the head.
I for one would LOVE to adopt. But it cost upwards of $20,000 and beyond depending where you adopt from. We've even looked in to fostering to adopt, but I can't bear to bring a child into our home only to have the family take them away after they've been here. That scares me with adoption in the US too. In other countries that possibility is less likely.
I always thought (before) why adopt internationally when so many children need homes here. Well, they do, however it's become a business. Extremely expensive, with your odds increasing the more you "advertise" to potential mothers. Advertise? Excuse me? Yeah, you read that right.
The only silver lining of the whole adoption option is once it's said and done you can get a tax incentive to help recoup cost. However, that's after you max out all your credit cards I suppose. I know we would provide a wonderful family for a child.
I know from the bottom of my heart my journey isn't over with children. I know this is a set back and I'll bounce back. I always do.
My TCM appointment went well on Weds. They said my kidney channel was a bit weak. I asked if that could be from my UTI last week and they said that could be playing a part. They reworked my herbs to nourish my kidneys and build my blood. They also agreed with me to cut my royal jelly down to every other day, that it could have been monkeying with my hormones too much.
My TCM did give me the encouraging news that she really thought once I regulated that I would fall pregnant almost immediately. She said that everything about my pulse, health, etc showed I was the perfect example of someone who should get pregnant and carry a pregnancy very easily. I did the last time, so I'm just really trying to trust it'll happen again.
I keep reminding myself when I started there was one follicle on my ovary and my AMH was about nil at <.03. I always knew it'd take a good six months to see improvement in my egg quality. I'm approaching six months from my beginning of acupuncture at the end of this month. Next month will be my six month anniversary with herbs.
As my TCM reminded me. My body and health are like a delicate plant. You can't just throw a seed down and expect a tall plant the next day. You have to give it good soil, water, sunlight and nourishment and foster it and help it grow. Our bodies are the same way. It's a process.
I keep reminding myself how far I've come. My body was a wreck before and now I'm all in all, pretty healthy. No night sweats. My sleep has actually been very good the last three or four nights. Anxiety and depression aren't there anymore (except for my woe is me moments - see above, sigh.) My weight is back to a normal range. A tad under the norm, but good for me. I have energy.
I started reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For". It's a 40 day journey to learn what purpose does God intend to use me for. It's to take the perspective off what will make ME happy and learn what will make GOD happy and how can I do it. I think that's important for me right now.
There's a lot tumbling around in my head this evening. I'm really mentally exhausted.
To all you ladies out there going through this. I'm sorry. It sucks and we're on this journey together.
I'll let you in on a little secret. Positive pregnancy tests don't even excite me anymore :( (FYI- if you want cheap Wondfo's which are the cheap HPT and OPK tests go here! This is the best price I've found and you can do combos of both or just some alone.
This was yesterday. The top one, yesterday - obviously darker than the ones preceding it (the days leading up to it) right? Nice progression, huh? The top would be 10 DPO if I ovulated.
Then, this morning. This happened.
Pretty cool, huh? Nope. I had a blood draw to check my HCG. 4. 4???? 4!?!??! Yup, 4. As in not even close to being pregnant. Seriously, how sensitive are these tests? 4 and under is not pregnant. Between 4-25 in inconclusive and 25 and over is pregnant. Do they really need to make tests THIS sensitive? I mean, I like knowing right away, just like the next gal, but come on!
I need to remind myself, to just toss them away without a second though until the line is a in your face YOU ARE PREGNANT line!
On the one hand, I'm seriously bummed. I never did let myself get excited because I thought it could just be hormones awry. On the other hand, I was actually kind of relieved my HCG was only 4. Before it was 7 so it's half. I guess that shows some improvement.
My son had a difficult time going to bed tonight. He was crying and I went in and told him it was night night time and asked if I laid down on the floor next to his crib and rubbed his belly he'd feel better. He told me yes and laid right down. As I was rubbing his belly, arm and head, I just started crying. I totally thought I'd be at peace either way, and I am...but, it just really hit me. I feel absolutely broken.
I don't think I ever understood before all this how incredibly lonely and frustrating it is for your body to be completely out of control. For all the people dealing with sickness, cancers, infertility, mental illness, it is scary. It's isolating, because you look ok on the outside and no one knows. And, even if they do, unless they are dealing with the same thing...they really, can't truly understand.
I had a moment of actual despair thinking I may never experience every moment I've shared with my son again. I have to keep believing I will. For one thing, it's made me value every single second with him. When I find myself getting tired or nearing the end of my rope, I really take a step back and realize that I can't get these moments back. Is it seriously worth me losing my temper? No. It's helped my patience parenting, being a wife, daughter, actor, employee...
You know, my husband and I from the time we were in premarital counseling always said we'd be open to adoption, but the reality is, it's near impossible unless you are wealthy. It cost more than IVF. Whenever I hear someone say "why can't they just adopt, there's so many children that need homes" I really want to smack them upside the head.
I for one would LOVE to adopt. But it cost upwards of $20,000 and beyond depending where you adopt from. We've even looked in to fostering to adopt, but I can't bear to bring a child into our home only to have the family take them away after they've been here. That scares me with adoption in the US too. In other countries that possibility is less likely.
I always thought (before) why adopt internationally when so many children need homes here. Well, they do, however it's become a business. Extremely expensive, with your odds increasing the more you "advertise" to potential mothers. Advertise? Excuse me? Yeah, you read that right.
The only silver lining of the whole adoption option is once it's said and done you can get a tax incentive to help recoup cost. However, that's after you max out all your credit cards I suppose. I know we would provide a wonderful family for a child.
I know from the bottom of my heart my journey isn't over with children. I know this is a set back and I'll bounce back. I always do.
My TCM appointment went well on Weds. They said my kidney channel was a bit weak. I asked if that could be from my UTI last week and they said that could be playing a part. They reworked my herbs to nourish my kidneys and build my blood. They also agreed with me to cut my royal jelly down to every other day, that it could have been monkeying with my hormones too much.
My TCM did give me the encouraging news that she really thought once I regulated that I would fall pregnant almost immediately. She said that everything about my pulse, health, etc showed I was the perfect example of someone who should get pregnant and carry a pregnancy very easily. I did the last time, so I'm just really trying to trust it'll happen again.
I keep reminding myself when I started there was one follicle on my ovary and my AMH was about nil at <.03. I always knew it'd take a good six months to see improvement in my egg quality. I'm approaching six months from my beginning of acupuncture at the end of this month. Next month will be my six month anniversary with herbs.
As my TCM reminded me. My body and health are like a delicate plant. You can't just throw a seed down and expect a tall plant the next day. You have to give it good soil, water, sunlight and nourishment and foster it and help it grow. Our bodies are the same way. It's a process.
I keep reminding myself how far I've come. My body was a wreck before and now I'm all in all, pretty healthy. No night sweats. My sleep has actually been very good the last three or four nights. Anxiety and depression aren't there anymore (except for my woe is me moments - see above, sigh.) My weight is back to a normal range. A tad under the norm, but good for me. I have energy.
I started reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For". It's a 40 day journey to learn what purpose does God intend to use me for. It's to take the perspective off what will make ME happy and learn what will make GOD happy and how can I do it. I think that's important for me right now.
There's a lot tumbling around in my head this evening. I'm really mentally exhausted.
To all you ladies out there going through this. I'm sorry. It sucks and we're on this journey together.
I am not sure if I have commented previously, so forgive me. I also have POI. I have a son who will be three next week, conceived naturally as well.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to many of these feelings you write about in this post. I try my hardest to be calm and not lose it when my little man is throwing a fit :) I know I am SO lucky to have him. So many women with this dx are not so lucky as we have been. It's difficult, though.
It's been a hard year for me - accepting that my body is done (I am 38), and that I will never be pregnant again. It's a grieving process. Some days I feel good, other times it's like getting the "news" all over again.