April 28, 2015
Well, it's official. The first meeting has been completed and my portion of our application is filled out. We are applying to foster to adopt. I'm a bundle of nerves and emotions preparing for potential heartbreak, but relinquishing to God's control and timing.
My husband stayed home with our son while I went to the meeting to do reconnaissance. At first, I thought it had been cancelled because at 9:50, I was still the only one there for a 10 am start. A few minutes later a couple arrived and then one man whose wife it turns out was home with his children. The woman from the agency arrived just in the knick of time.
She was a warm and very knowledgeable woman who walked us through the steps one by one. She was also very patient to listen to all my bazillion questions and what if scenarios. I was glad one other man there had questions and soon began to chime in because I felt like I was monopolizing the whole event.
A foster / adoptive mom was also there to share her experience with the process. It was helpful to get her perspective and I fear she was a bit more doom and gloom relaying experiences people within her support group have had, but the reality of it all is important to consider.
Without going into too much detail, the process can take up to 18 months to 2 years on average to finalize an adoption. My mind was reeling how I could possible "give up" "my" child after that amount of time, but when they broke down the logistics it wasn't as overwhelming and scary. Although, no matter how you look at it, it'd be a tremendous amount of heartbreak and grief.
There are two basic facets to the process. The foster side, which reunification is almost a guarantee and the adoptive side which means the bio family situation is very tumultuous. A family has 18 months to get their act together or for a relative to step in before their rights are terminated. That seems like forever to a foster family looking to adopt, but it's broken up into six month sections.
The first 6 months, the biological family, most times, the bio mom is all who is in the picture (there is exception of course, but I will refer to the bio mom as primary caregiver from here on out) has to do x,y and z. Many times rehab, counseling, leaving an abusive relationship, get a job or housing, and visit her children. If the bio mom does x,y,z there is a strong indication that there will be complete reunification.
If bio mom does none of these, it's a good indication the adoption will proceed on down the line, but she still has that next six months to turn things around. If she does not, all assistance for her to get her act together (bus tokens, counseling, government assistance) goes away and it's of her own accord to piece her life back together. If that does not occur by 18 months, her rights are terminated and an adoption can proceed. How fast that progresses is at the discretion of the courts.
All these times are approximate and there are always extenuating circumstances, but this was an example of a typical scenario. So, long story short, most times it's rather apparent early on if you have to ready your heart to say goodbye to the baby or child in your care. Still, let's be honest, no easy task.
The woman speaking was very honest about the situation many children are in. Most of them are malnourished, lagging in development from lack of stimulation and attention, some are abused and almost all neglected in some way. She said even newborns are often all of the above from lack of prenatal care and often times drug addictions, which is one of the major reasons newborn infants are taken into the foster system. Most newborns are premature.
She did say that once you remove the negativity and plant them in a thriving and loving environment with good and adequate nutrition and care, most children within a year or two are meeting their age appropriate milestones in development and social situations.
The certification process can take as little as several months to as long as we basically want it to. Once the application is turned in, background checks need to be done and the training begins. 18 hrs of foster training are required so you can learn how to deal with children's emotional, physical and psychological needs who are in the system. It also deals with how to deal with biological parents, expectations and how to prepare to give a child back, often times into a situation you know is not ideal.
First Aid, CPR and water safety are another requirement. Then comes the home assessment. A social worker comes into your home and susses out your family dynamic. All children or adults living there are interviewed. Your house is gone through with a fine tooth comb down to minute details like every item in your pantry must not be expired by even a day.
The thing I like about this agency is there are 2-3 home visits and the social worker really works with you to brainstorm how to fix things. He or she doesn't just dock you for not having outlet covers and say too bad for you. They make suggestions, look at alternative ways of storing things or locking things away and reevaluate once you make the changes.
All in all, a very valuable day. I gave my husband the info when I got home as he was hustling out the door to work. On his way he called me and we figured out our personal references. Two knew of our struggles, two did not. My boss did not either, but I called her to give her a heads up they'd be calling to verify my work. She shared she'd be happy to give a glowing reference as well and was thrilled for us. Turns out three of her nieces and nephews were adopted through foster to adopt as a sibling set.
As of now, we're entering into this both feet forward. I'm bracing myself for a wild ride. Both the adoptive mom and woman in charge said it's like a roller coaster. Once you finish the process of being certified, buckle up because it's going to get rocky. We could get a call anytime day or night for a child and they could show up with a baby and diaper bag in hand. You need diapers? Hustle to the store. Need formula? Hustle to the store. Clothes? Hustle to the store (or in our case, they'll be in boy clothing, boy or girl for a few days) ;)
My husband and I need to sit down and discuss what ages we are willing to take, any sibling sets and what qualities we absolutely will not accept. As of now, my only quality I will not is sexually aggressive. I have a small toddler and I will not stand for him to be in any situation to be abused sexually. Although my husband and I have to agree on an age, in the meeting I told her 0-2. My son has always been the oldest and I don't think it's fair to change the pecking order on him overnight. I want him to have the opportunity to be a big brother. May we reevaluate that or think twice if there is a sibling set, sure, but I feel pretty strongly about that. I think things like aggressiveness with a child as young as 0-2 can be redirected. Maybe I'll feel differently throughout the training.
It was a very educational, somewhat intimidating and rewarding day. I caught myself thinking if I got pregnant is this something I'd want to pursue, and the answer is, I think so. Maybe not during the same time as my pregnancy, but in the future, absolutely. I really do feel a calling. I think a child would bless our home, and I would hope we can be a blessing of stability and love for a child who needs it.
God bless!
Well, it's official. The first meeting has been completed and my portion of our application is filled out. We are applying to foster to adopt. I'm a bundle of nerves and emotions preparing for potential heartbreak, but relinquishing to God's control and timing.
My husband stayed home with our son while I went to the meeting to do reconnaissance. At first, I thought it had been cancelled because at 9:50, I was still the only one there for a 10 am start. A few minutes later a couple arrived and then one man whose wife it turns out was home with his children. The woman from the agency arrived just in the knick of time.
She was a warm and very knowledgeable woman who walked us through the steps one by one. She was also very patient to listen to all my bazillion questions and what if scenarios. I was glad one other man there had questions and soon began to chime in because I felt like I was monopolizing the whole event.
A foster / adoptive mom was also there to share her experience with the process. It was helpful to get her perspective and I fear she was a bit more doom and gloom relaying experiences people within her support group have had, but the reality of it all is important to consider.
Without going into too much detail, the process can take up to 18 months to 2 years on average to finalize an adoption. My mind was reeling how I could possible "give up" "my" child after that amount of time, but when they broke down the logistics it wasn't as overwhelming and scary. Although, no matter how you look at it, it'd be a tremendous amount of heartbreak and grief.
There are two basic facets to the process. The foster side, which reunification is almost a guarantee and the adoptive side which means the bio family situation is very tumultuous. A family has 18 months to get their act together or for a relative to step in before their rights are terminated. That seems like forever to a foster family looking to adopt, but it's broken up into six month sections.
The first 6 months, the biological family, most times, the bio mom is all who is in the picture (there is exception of course, but I will refer to the bio mom as primary caregiver from here on out) has to do x,y and z. Many times rehab, counseling, leaving an abusive relationship, get a job or housing, and visit her children. If the bio mom does x,y,z there is a strong indication that there will be complete reunification.
If bio mom does none of these, it's a good indication the adoption will proceed on down the line, but she still has that next six months to turn things around. If she does not, all assistance for her to get her act together (bus tokens, counseling, government assistance) goes away and it's of her own accord to piece her life back together. If that does not occur by 18 months, her rights are terminated and an adoption can proceed. How fast that progresses is at the discretion of the courts.
All these times are approximate and there are always extenuating circumstances, but this was an example of a typical scenario. So, long story short, most times it's rather apparent early on if you have to ready your heart to say goodbye to the baby or child in your care. Still, let's be honest, no easy task.
The woman speaking was very honest about the situation many children are in. Most of them are malnourished, lagging in development from lack of stimulation and attention, some are abused and almost all neglected in some way. She said even newborns are often all of the above from lack of prenatal care and often times drug addictions, which is one of the major reasons newborn infants are taken into the foster system. Most newborns are premature.
She did say that once you remove the negativity and plant them in a thriving and loving environment with good and adequate nutrition and care, most children within a year or two are meeting their age appropriate milestones in development and social situations.
The certification process can take as little as several months to as long as we basically want it to. Once the application is turned in, background checks need to be done and the training begins. 18 hrs of foster training are required so you can learn how to deal with children's emotional, physical and psychological needs who are in the system. It also deals with how to deal with biological parents, expectations and how to prepare to give a child back, often times into a situation you know is not ideal.
First Aid, CPR and water safety are another requirement. Then comes the home assessment. A social worker comes into your home and susses out your family dynamic. All children or adults living there are interviewed. Your house is gone through with a fine tooth comb down to minute details like every item in your pantry must not be expired by even a day.
The thing I like about this agency is there are 2-3 home visits and the social worker really works with you to brainstorm how to fix things. He or she doesn't just dock you for not having outlet covers and say too bad for you. They make suggestions, look at alternative ways of storing things or locking things away and reevaluate once you make the changes.
All in all, a very valuable day. I gave my husband the info when I got home as he was hustling out the door to work. On his way he called me and we figured out our personal references. Two knew of our struggles, two did not. My boss did not either, but I called her to give her a heads up they'd be calling to verify my work. She shared she'd be happy to give a glowing reference as well and was thrilled for us. Turns out three of her nieces and nephews were adopted through foster to adopt as a sibling set.
As of now, we're entering into this both feet forward. I'm bracing myself for a wild ride. Both the adoptive mom and woman in charge said it's like a roller coaster. Once you finish the process of being certified, buckle up because it's going to get rocky. We could get a call anytime day or night for a child and they could show up with a baby and diaper bag in hand. You need diapers? Hustle to the store. Need formula? Hustle to the store. Clothes? Hustle to the store (or in our case, they'll be in boy clothing, boy or girl for a few days) ;)
My husband and I need to sit down and discuss what ages we are willing to take, any sibling sets and what qualities we absolutely will not accept. As of now, my only quality I will not is sexually aggressive. I have a small toddler and I will not stand for him to be in any situation to be abused sexually. Although my husband and I have to agree on an age, in the meeting I told her 0-2. My son has always been the oldest and I don't think it's fair to change the pecking order on him overnight. I want him to have the opportunity to be a big brother. May we reevaluate that or think twice if there is a sibling set, sure, but I feel pretty strongly about that. I think things like aggressiveness with a child as young as 0-2 can be redirected. Maybe I'll feel differently throughout the training.
It was a very educational, somewhat intimidating and rewarding day. I caught myself thinking if I got pregnant is this something I'd want to pursue, and the answer is, I think so. Maybe not during the same time as my pregnancy, but in the future, absolutely. I really do feel a calling. I think a child would bless our home, and I would hope we can be a blessing of stability and love for a child who needs it.
God bless!
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